Did you share your achievements with your family?

[achvfi]

Yesterday, July 4th is an independence day in US.

I shared with my in-laws that we are "half-a-millionaires" based on our total net worth, hoping to have a surprise celebration for our success so far on our FI journey on independence day. Disappointingly, Mother-in-law didn't even acknowledge the news. She was having none of it. All day long she kept changing the subject when I hint of our achievement.

I was hoping for surprise celebration, but I was surprised by family's reaction. It probably was too much of a surprise for her to digest. Its sad to see that even the closest family cant be happy for us.

I write this with a bit of disappointment, it's been a damper on my mood. I told my wife, we will have to celebrate on these achievements on our own and we will.

What do you think of my experience? Do you share your FI achievements with family and friends?

[ketchup]

For milestones like that, the usual reaction tends to be "Must be nice." whether that's vocalized or not.  People are much more receptive to celebrating buying a house, car, whatever.

[Kris]

I think a lot of people have anxiety about their own financial situations, and often prefer not to think about it/live in denial than to tackle the problem head on.

Hearing other people's financial achievements likely makes them feel even more anxious. So it's not likely to be a welcome conversation topic.

[fuzzy math]

Outside of the FIRE community you are unlikely to find anyone (unless they are much more rich than you) who will positively respond to those sorts of achievements. I'm not really sure why you thought you should go to your in-laws and co-opt the holiday for a celebration of your financial success though. I'm a little embarrassed for you that you brought it up multiple times, after getting a chilly reception to it. At least you know where you stand there now. When dealing with in-laws, my DH and I make the actual blood family member do the talking about anything that's questionable. Your wife should have been able to give you guidance on whether that would go over well or not.

[FIREstache]

I never give details to my friends or family about how large my stash is or that I'm hoping to FIRE in 2020, other than more vague comments like, "maybe within a few years" or "by the time I'm 60".

For one, I don't want to give a time frame when I'm not 100% and might be derailed.   Also, I would suspect they think I have much less than $1M, and I wouldn't want to sound like I was gloating about it.
 
When I finally do FIRE, I'm still not going to announce the size of my stash to anyone, but I will openly state to friends and family that I'm retiring when I finally give notice at work.

[achvfi]

I think a lot of people have anxiety about their own financial situations, and often prefer not to think about it/live in denial than to tackle the problem head on.

Hearing other people's financial achievements likely makes them feel even more anxious. So it's not likely to be a welcome conversation topic.

I think you are right on, about anxious part. I feel like MIL certainly is anxious about something.

Outside of the FIRE community you are unlikely to find anyone (unless they are much more rich than you) who will positively respond to those sorts of achievements. I'm not really sure why you thought you should go to your in-laws and co-opt the holiday for a celebration of your financial success though. I'm a little embarrassed for you that you brought it up multiple times, after getting a chilly reception to it. At least you know where you stand there now. When dealing with in-laws, my DH and I make the actual blood family member do the talking about anything that's questionable. Your wife should have been able to give you guidance on whether that would go over well or not.

What's puzzling is few years ago, they shared their finances and goals with us and have been good examples to look up to, particularly FIL. They are worth north of $2 million in investments etc. I figured they would appreciate what we are able to achieve as well. 

[bluebelle]

I tend not to share.....I reassure my elderly mother that I'm good, she worries because I have an old car.  I just tell her I'm keeping it because it's the easiest car for her to get in to.  30 years ago, when things were more more cash based, I learned not to say I was broke in front of my parents...."I'm broke" to me meant I had little cash in my pocket, they worried I couldn't make it to pay day.
I don't tell people what I make, there are only a few people that would be happy for me.  I finally broke the $200K barrier this year, and it just makes me rant about taxes.  I'm very conscious of bitching about taxes, since I know I could reverse engineer salary from tax rate, I assume others can too.   But damn-it, 51%, come on government, fuck off, at least send me a thank you card.
We've flown under the radar for a while now, but I'm pretty sure our secret is out.  We're retiring next year to a custom build lake front home.

But as others have said, come here to get your atta-boys, not expect people in the real world to pat you on the back.


BTW....Woot! Woot! congratulations!

[Davnasty]

Outside of the FIRE community you are unlikely to find anyone (unless they are much more rich than you) who will positively respond to those sorts of achievements. I'm not really sure why you thought you should go to your in-laws and co-opt the holiday for a celebration of your financial success though. I'm a little embarrassed for you that you brought it up multiple times, after getting a chilly reception to it. At least you know where you stand there now. When dealing with in-laws, my DH and I make the actual blood family member do the talking about anything that's questionable. Your wife should have been able to give you guidance on whether that would go over well or not.

What's puzzling is few years ago, they shared their finances and goals with us and have been good examples to look up to, particularly FIL. They are worth north of $2 million in investments etc. I figured they would appreciate what we are able to achieve as well.

Oh good, when I read your first post I thought that sounds super awkward, but I figured there must be some context I'm missing. It was MIL & FIL only I assume?

[achvfi]

We've flown under the radar for a while now, but I'm pretty sure our secret is out.  We're retiring next year to a custom build lake front home.

Wow, that sounds awesome. Congratulations!!

But as others have said, come here to get your atta-boys, not expect people in the real world to pat you on the back.



BTW....Woot! Woot! congratulations!

Thank you!! :)

Oh good, when I read your first post I thought that sounds super awkward, but I figured there must be some context I'm missing. It was MIL & FIL only I assume?

Yes only MIL & FIL.

[margarita]

No I never share.   As my elderly dad always said “ they are on a need to know basis and they don’t need to know”.

[MrThatsDifferent]

I’m not sure the reaction you were expecting? You’ve been around people enough to know that news like that generally inspires jealousy or regret. I tell people that I’m obsessed now with financial independence and I’m working on a strategy. That’s it. I won’t give numbers. If someone presses ill say my goal is $1.6m. It might take awhile but that’s the goal. If I started telling family they’d be either expecting better gifts, outright “loans” or hyper critical of everything. Why? They’re people too. All your partner has to do is tell the parents, we’re in a good safe space and fortunately not stressing over debt. I would imagine that’s all parents really care about. Actual numbers sounds like bragging.

[Buffaloski Boris]

Close family and a few friends. Otherwise no need to know, nothing to be gained by sharing info.

 FI has a lot of advantages. One of the drawbacks is that generally speaking, celebrations need to be kept to yourself and the FI community.

“Normal” is in debt and living a life of wage slavery. By contemporary standards if you’re FI or pursuing it, you’re a weirdo. Act accordingly.

[Freedomin5]

In older generations I’ve generally found that they see it as rude / uncouth to talk about personal finances. My parents are multi-millionaires who FIRE’d in their 40s, and they’ve been helping us get on solid financial footing for the past several years with full access to all our financials (helping us evaluate real estate deals, get our wills in order, advising us on mortgages, file our tax returns) and they still downplayed the fact and expressed disbelief when we told them we would probably be millionaires by the end of this year. It’s like we followed their advice and they can hardly believe their advice worked.

[DaMa]

Congratulations!!!

I recently told my mother my number to reassure her after she expressed concerns.  Since then she has made a couple of comments that have made me wish I had not told her.  I won't be making that mistake again.

[ender]

I suspect my inlaws would be happy about our current net worth. I have a lot more conversations with them about money/retirement/savings/etc than I do my immediate family. They are kinda the definition of millionaire next doors/Boglehead folks.

I don't know though that my inlaws know how much I make in software dev though... which is close to 2x what several of their kids make combined (but likely not even 1/2 what the other makes).

I don't necessarily see a lot of value in them knowing details though.

[herbgeek]

Nope.   My family and friends only know that I'm retired as of last month.  No one knows how much the stash that enables that is.    I have very jealous siblings who tease me constantly about my small house, small car etc.  If a number got thrown out there, I can only expect to have it thrown back at me in any conversation.

[ender]

Nope.   My family and friends only know that I'm retired as of last month.  No one knows how much the stash that enables that is.    I have very jealous siblings who tease me constantly about my small house, small car etc.  If a number got thrown out there, I can only expect to have it thrown back at me in any conversation.

It's funny to me that when we bought a new car (actually new, it was still "only" $16k) 100% of teasing about "you need to live" etc stopped.

[former player]

I've shared a bit.  My brother knows everything.  But I need a second executor for my will, and asked my cousin's son who is a solicitor and who kindly said yes.  It did involve disclosing my general financial picture, which obviously took my cousin completely aback - they have always been the "rich" side of the family. 

[achvfi]

I’m not sure the reaction you were expecting? You’ve been around people enough to know that news like that generally inspires jealousy or regret. I tell people that I’m obsessed now with financial independence and I’m working on a strategy. That’s it. I won’t give numbers. If someone presses ill say my goal is $1.6m. It might take awhile but that’s the goal. If I started telling family they’d be either expecting better gifts, outright “loans” or hyper critical of everything. Why? They’re people too. All your partner has to do is tell the parents, we’re in a good safe space and fortunately not stressing over debt. I would imagine that’s all parents really care about. Actual numbers sounds like bragging.

I was expecting them to say good job on establishing a good foundation for our growing family's financial security and encourage us to continue. Nothing more. I gave same information to my own parents. They were very proud and expressed happy emotions. I got surprised with MIL's reaction because, she usually celebrates small things and many times almost inconsequential things in life. I was expecting her to be happy about a big achievement in our lives, that we are very proud off.

At least I know what MIL real feelings are. I learnt my lesson, I wont share further updates with her.

[A Fella from Stella]

I remember when I was 27 and started learning about this stuff. I told my mother that we now had a positive net worth. She wasn't impressed. Nothing bad said, but not impressed.

Another time I remember an uncle saying he retired with $5,000,000 in the bank as he attempted to justify why he maybe should be listened to on the subject of success. I thought it was great, but other relatives felt it was tacky and maybe he was lying. The guy lived on a professional golf course. We once saw Arnold Palmer tee off in his backyard. Yet, the concept of real cash didn't seem real.

[BTDretire]

About a year before my mother died I told her we had just went over $1M in financial assets.
I think she was a little stunned and didn't say anything. Later in the day she said she said how happy she was that we were able to save that much. If she could have hung on 5 more years I could have told her we made it to $2M. But other than that, no one else in the family knows and I doubt anyone even suspects.

[TartanTallulah]

I'm British, working class, and Of A Certain Age. It's considered bad form to speak with pride about your financial situation. People are more likely to recoil than to celebrate. But I realise this isn't the case elsewhere, or in younger people.

Most of our family take our unostentatious lifestyle at face value and wouldn't be interested if I started talking numbers to them. My mother is the exception, but I know she wouldn't be able to avoid telling random acquaintances anything I disclosed to her, or 'phoning me up sucking her teeth about how I was heading for destitution every time the stock markets dipped a few points, so all I've told her is that she and my father can spend their money secure in the knowledge that we're not relying on an inheritance.

[Linea_Norway]

I haven't told my mother about our FIRE plans, but I have told her we are financially very comfortable. In reply she opened up and told me how much she had saved. It was part of my strategy to find out how she was doing, so now I know that I don't need to worry aboyt her. My mother tends to talk way too much about me tonothers. So I'm not giving exact numbers. I am very much in doubt where we should let her know when we are FIREd. But it would be weird not to. We could suddenly visit her at other times of the year. And we would move to a smaller and cheaper home, which is unusual for people of our age.

My parents in law did retire early, long before FIRE ever was a thing. So once, I told FIL about it. I think we even mentioned the year. He let us know that we had done a good job. He wasn't terribly surprised, as we have always lived below our means.

I have also told a few old friends now. One responded that it was as expected, us living the way we do. A friend of my own age was very impressed and started thinking about his own choices that made it impossible to FIRE and time soon.

I don't dare to tell my brother yet. He has been without a job for a long time and can't be in a great financial position. He has a good job now. I don't know if my mother has given him financial aid without my knowledge.

My BIL and his girlfriend have also luved below their means and have had good jobs. They could have been on their way to FIRE, but made the choice to work part time forever. Also they got two children now. I think they are financially comfortable, but not rich. I do think we will tell them when the time comes and I don't think they will be surpriced at all. I don't expect any gratulations though.

[Imma]

I'm British, working class, and Of A Certain Age. It's considered bad form to speak with pride about your financial situation. People are more likely to recoil than to celebrate. But I realise this isn't the case elsewhere, or in younger people.

Most of our family take our unostentatious lifestyle at face value and wouldn't be interested if I started talking numbers to them. My mother is the exception, but I know she wouldn't be able to avoid telling random acquaintances anything I disclosed to her, or 'phoning me up sucking her teeth about how I was heading for destitution every time the stock markets dipped a few points, so all I've told her is that she and my father can spend their money secure in the knowledge that we're not relying on an inheritance.

I'm from a similar family, although not British and probably a bit younger (milennial). One advantage of my family is that the type of job/education I have doesn't mean anything to them so they have no idea how much I make. I live in a former council home and we don't have a car so we can't have money. We would never tell our family we're investing, because they'd be so worried because they don't understand. We made the mistake of telling one relative we had a creditcard (we talked about purchasing something on the internet) and they're worried we're up to our eyeballs in debt because why else would you have a creditcard? They are so anti-debt they were very negative when we bought our super cheap house because we needed a small mortgage. They just see the debt and don't understand that we also gained an asset at the same time. I think they are worried everytime we spend some money exactly because we are mustachian - we seem poor. They should be more worried about the sibling who seems to have more money and lives in a rented flat in the capital.

I have told our mothers we are financially ok and there's no need to worry about us, ever, and at least one of them kind of believes it. I have certainly never told them I want to FIRE at 40. As my partner doesn't want to quit working I guess most people will just assume I'm a housewife which isn't terribly uncommon in our council estate.

[Money Badger]

@achvfi,  Good question... and a timely one.   A good reason this like minded MMM forum exists is there are so few who "get it".   So my advice is to NOT share or even try to "help" family with behavior change...   Here's an example of how it can back fire:

Last night:  Me: "Hey, great news Hon', the July 1st quarterly investments did really well!   We earned $X just for going on vacation last week."     
Spouse: "Um that's great...   We really need to spend $X + more on new furniture to decorate our child's college apartment."   
Me (thinking): I worked incredibly hard to save those assets that created that passive income stream for our FIRE plan.   And we already have a basement full of extra furniture that's nearly new!

In fairness, my spouse generally is frugal and usually makes good choices and gets why we're doing well.   But the reality after years of conversations to align on managing finances is that we would be deeply in debt and/or bankrupt if I didn't manage our resources.  Further, other incidents with family over the years led to snide comments and even arguments when the topic of finances came up.   So share or vent on MMM is my suggestion ;-)   As achieving FIRE is not for everyone.   Hope it helps!

[SwordGuy]

I didn't share our FIRE plans with my dad because he had died before we found MMM.   He would have understood it, though.

I did share our plans with my mom.  She didn't understand it until we started buying and renovating rental property.  She didn't understand stock market investments, but brick and mortar rental property she understood, and she fully supported us in our plan.

We didn't share our plan with my wife's dad because he had passed years before.    Didn't share with my wife's mom either, she would blab to any and all.   We just let her know we were well off so she didn't need to worry.