Author Topic: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member  (Read 5842 times)

freya

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Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« on: November 13, 2017, 05:28:24 PM »
Wondering if anyone else has this situation.  My sister and her husband are both high income earners living in a low cost area (Western Massachusetts), and have always been big spenders. That's fine and dandy for them, but here's the problem.  My sister likes to plan extravagant family outings, making decisions unilaterally, then send me an abrupt demand to pay my share of the costs.  Today, she texted me while I was at work to say that she'd just bought tickets to Hamilton at $400 each, and that I needed to pay for my ticket and also cover my share of my mother's ticket since it was intended to be a gift for her.  My mother has never even heard of Hamilton and has little interest in Broadway shows, and neither the show nor the idea of the random gift (it's not for any specific event) was ever discussed.

The backdrop is that my mother and I live in the NYC area, and I'm constantly visiting local family members or vice versa, and taking care of lots of day to day stuff for them.  So I feel less need for formal gatherings than she does.

Just wondering how people (Mustachians especially) deal with family members who equate "togetherness" with "spending lots of money."  I thought of offering to treat for dinner before the show, but flat out refusing to pay for the Hamilton ticket, and using this as a prelude to further discussion.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2017, 05:35:38 PM by freya »

Juslookin

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2017, 06:13:40 PM »
Mustachian or not, that's just outrageous and rude. Just tell her no. You don't need to give any excuse either. My answer would simply be "No, you should have asked me first".

Who does that?

mm1970

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2017, 06:14:54 PM »
You need new family members.

Just kidding.  I've never had to deal with this, so I'd just start with "no".

No, sorry, I'm not going to Hamilton, and I'm not going to pay for mom's ticket, and see you next time I'm in town.

MrsPete

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2017, 07:00:09 PM »
You need new family members.

Just kidding.  I've never had to deal with this, so I'd just start with "no".

No, sorry, I'm not going to Hamilton, and I'm not going to pay for mom's ticket, and see you next time I'm in town.
Yeah, I'd handle it just like this.  I'd temper it with, "What?  You bought tickets without asking me first?  I'm sorry, but that's just not in our budget  - you know we're tightening our budget and planning for retirement.  Those are hot tickets.  I'm sure you'll have no problem reselling them." 

You won't have to do this too many times before she catches on that she ought to consult you. 

SwordGuy

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2017, 07:13:12 PM »
Mustachian or not, that's just outrageous and rude. Just tell her no. You don't need to give any excuse either. My answer would simply be "No, you should have asked me first".

Exactly right!   "No, you should have asked me first."

Repeat after the expected whining or guilt trip as often as necessary, or until you tire of it and just hang up.

Who does that?

Someone who desperately needs to learn manners and get clue-by-4ed with some enforced boundaries on acceptable behavior.

So sorry you have to put up with that.

freya

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2017, 07:50:58 PM »
Whew, thanks!

I'm afraid that my "no" response was interpreted not as a statement that I should be consulted before my money is spent but as a slight to family togetherness.  It is amazing how those two things are equated in some people's minds.

I did offer to treat the gang for dinner before they depart for the show.  Dinner is far more social than a show anyway.  And I bet my sister's kids will be whining that they want to go home halfway through it.

SC93

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2017, 10:03:24 PM »
My family would never even think of doing this to me because I will tell them to get F'ed! Last week they were arguing over what we were going to have for Thanksgiving.... I said, "Y'all have what ever you want! I'm having hot dogs and nachos at the race track". "And if y'all want to argue at Christmas don't even call me because I won't be there for that either".

This is YOUR life, don't let your family (or anyone else) run it for you.

Since your sister makes great money as do I, what we do is.... we pay for about everything. $300-$700 or what ever the amount.... that's not a big deal to us (I can make that in a day) but to most of my family that is a month's pay. So we usually pay for everything and never even think about it..... I guess they will be paying for their own food this Thanksgiving though! LMAO

Milizard

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2017, 10:04:44 PM »
It's nice that you were able to resolve it. I would have been more direct, texting back, "$400????????  Do you think I'm made of money?".  :-P

partgypsy

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2017, 06:27:29 AM »
I have to admit, I was the family member who would plan things for the family. But, it would be me planning say 5 days in the mountains, and 300 would cover the entire trip per person. And yes, I would go back and forth with the other people involved before putting money down.

I find people who do that (buy extravagant things and then ask others to cover it) may have impulsity issues or undiagnosed spending addictions.

PS- my oldest daughter was really into Hamilton, knows the lyrics by heart. I even contemplated taking a mom daughter trip to NYC so we could see it with the original cast, but the cheapest tickets were around 900, and that didn't include transportation, lodging, time off work. Maybe I should have done it anyways, but at the time it was too much. We will probably see it off Broadway at some point.

nereo

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #9 on: November 14, 2017, 07:02:07 AM »
We have family members on both sides that have done similar things.  To them such expenses are normal and a part of life - to us, not so much.

The way we've handled it is two-fold.
First, we've pulled the 'event planner' aside and explained to them that "spending $xxx on something is not in our budget".  We left it at that - didn't try to justify our budget nor turn it into them being irresponsible. 
Second - we have been proactive and found/suggested events that everyone could enjoy for not a lot of money. That's eased most of the tension as we still get family bonding time but at a fraction of the cost.

Finally, we never prevent them from doing really expensive things, saying instead "we'll meet you afterwards".  Generally we end up doing the low-cost options, though on occasion they do things without us because we don't want to pay $500 for a meal at a trendy restaurant (seriously).

IME sticking to "its simply not in our budget" curtails these things.  Occasionally a snide comment is made about us being 'cheapskates' - but whatever.  Being vague helps - we don't discuss our home values or debts or salaries, but when pressed we can say we are "saving for a down payment" and/or "we want to get rid of these student loans".

ReadySetMillionaire

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #10 on: November 14, 2017, 07:13:29 AM »
Whew, thanks!

I'm afraid that my "no" response was interpreted not as a statement that I should be consulted before my money is spent but as a slight to family togetherness.  It is amazing how those two things are equated in some people's minds.

I did offer to treat the gang for dinner before they depart for the show.  Dinner is far more social than a show anyway.  And I bet my sister's kids will be whining that they want to go home halfway through it.

Since she didn't take it how you wanted her to, it wouldn't be a bad idea to call her afterwards to discuss. Otherwise this will be a recurring problem.

Laura33

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2017, 07:57:45 AM »
Honestly, your sister sounds like a bully.  Yeah, it's possible she sees your response as a slight on your relationship, but it's more likely that she knows that family togetherness is your weak spot, so she dove right for it to try to guilt you into changing your mind.  You need a consistent, calm response that you whip out every time she pulls this, along the lines of, "gee, I'd love to spend time with you, but that's not in my budget.  Can we have dinner at my place instead?"  [Or insert some other free/cheap get-together]  If she really is clueless, repeatedly offering her a simpler alternative will emphasize that you do want to get together; if she's just using it as a guilt trip to bend you to her will, the consistent response will eventually persuade her that you are done being a pushover. 

Also, expect it to get worse before it gets better -- people who are used to getting their way will tend to get even more aggressive the first time you say no, because they are used to you giving in, so they just assume if they push harder, you will resume your rightful (submissive) role.  Kind of like kids and tantrums, btw -- this is basically an adult tantrum, and so treating it as such tends to work very well.  FWIW, remaining calm and saying the same thing over and over will drive this kind of personality nuts more quickly than anything else -- first you're not doing what she wants, and now she can't even get you upset or angry or guilty about it?  It just sucks all of her power away from her, if she is so insignificant that she can't even ruffle your feathers.

And, yeah, I do have one of these.  I still remember when my SIL invited us and her other sister out to a very fancy restaurant (one of those with a famous-name chef) to celebrate her birthday.  DH and I were just married and had just bought a townhouse, so I was worried at the cost, but the SIL had introduced us and was clearly excited to have me in the family and wanted to include me, so I put my hesitations aside and went.  And boy had she set this up -- she had gotten the chef's table and set up this fantastic menu (e.g., we were greeted with the largest tray of charcuterie I have ever seen), which was definitely delicious, but waaaaay more food than we could possibly eat, and of course paired bottles of wine with each course.  And then she presented us with the tab.  For like $800*.  Because after all it was her birthday. 

WTF?  Who does that?  If she'd asked if I wanted to take her out for her birthday, I'd have said of course, and chosen a reasonable restaurant -- or at a bare minimum, taken over the planning to keep the menu and wine reasonable (we could easily have eaten at the same restaurant for less than half that cost).  But being presented with the check at the end was a real dick move that left us feeling like we had to pay to preserve family harmony.  And it was delicious, but not $400 delicious.  I really felt bad for her other sister, though, who made a lot less than the rest of us at the time -- I mean, you just don't do that, period, but you sure as hell don't do that to people who make maybe half of what you do.  Lucky for me, SIL was just clueless, not mean-spirited, and she's changed her ways since then. 

*Note that this was 20 years ago.  By today's inflated dining-out standards, it would probably have exceeded $2K.

coppertop

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2017, 10:31:29 AM »
Wow.  I wanted to celebrate my 60th birthday with family and friends.  And...I paid. The entire bill.  It's so rude to 'invite' people out and then expect them to pay.  If you want to do a Dutch treat type of meal, then you should talk to the other people involved to see what they'd be comfortable spending. 

NoVa

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2017, 11:02:35 AM »
Don't have any family members like that on either my or wife's side. Big event coming up, siblings who are going to get a present for someone throw out ideas and budgets, everyone finally agrees, THEN the money is spent. You can't commit other people without their consent. This isn't MMM talk, this is just common sense.

pachnik

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2017, 11:13:20 AM »
I guess I've got to be grateful that in my family we just order take-out (KFC usually), make a salad and a cake and that's it for birthdays.

For milestone birthdays, anniversaries etc., my sister-in-law and I put our heads together before any spending happens.  Usually it is a BBQ and everyone brings something.

badassprof

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2017, 02:06:55 PM »
Wow.  I wanted to celebrate my 60th birthday with family and friends.  And...I paid. The entire bill.  It's so rude to 'invite' people out and then expect them to pay.  If you want to do a Dutch treat type of meal, then you should talk to the other people involved to see what they'd be comfortable spending.

Yes, I wonder if this is a cultural thing? Where I grew up, inviting means that you pay, whatever the activity.

freya

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2017, 03:58:49 PM »
It wasn't so much that I couldn't afford Hamilton tickets as I just wanted to be consulted about it.   Big expenses are fine as long as there's sufficient thought process that goes into the decision, and of course the opportunity (and time) for me to decline the invite or offer alternatives.  In my view the conversation should have started along the lines of "we're coming down that weekend and would like to do something special with you and Mom.  We have an idea to splurge on tickets to Hamilton, what do you think?"  Amazing that we'd even talked just 2 days before and this never came up.

It is amazing that this can be seen as acceptable behavior by some.  Not most, thankfully.  I am viewing this as a combination of financial strong-arming and a hint of emotional blackmail:  if you really cared about Mom and my kids & me you'd go along with this and not be a heartless skinflint.

Laura33

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Re: Dealing with spendy event-planning family member
« Reply #17 on: November 14, 2017, 06:22:19 PM »
Wow.  I wanted to celebrate my 60th birthday with family and friends.  And...I paid. The entire bill.  It's so rude to 'invite' people out and then expect them to pay.  If you want to do a Dutch treat type of meal, then you should talk to the other people involved to see what they'd be comfortable spending.

Yes, I wonder if this is a cultural thing? Where I grew up, inviting means that you pay, whatever the activity.

Not here, at least.  We do the same as Coppertop:  we had a two-significant-birthdays-and-significant-anniversary party at my favorite restaurant for the whole family, and we picked up the tab.  It’s just what you do.  And like I said, she’s come around, too; I think she was just young and relatively clueless (she was not that far out of school and used to her dad paying for a lot of stuff).