dealing with a spouse who is literally killing self with unhealthy lifestyle

[Sibley]

People do what they do for a reason. Eating carbs and sugar releases dopamine, the feel good hormone. It's an addiction.  By badgering, humiliating and belittling her you are making her feel shittier than she already does, and you are compounding the situation. Trust me, she doesn't like being fat. No-one does. It's not socially acceptable.

Try a little understanding and empathy. Try honouring your marriage vows. If you can't do that she is better off without you.

I'm guessing that you didn't read the OP's explanations of the full situation.

Rightflyer, if you disregard the health crisis, does that make the OP's behavior ok? The only reason everyone started giving him a pass was because his wife ended up in the hospital. Yeah, she's eating poorly and everything else. But that doesn't mean that the OP's behavior was good or helpful.

I still maintain that he's abusing his wife - verbally or emotionally, doesn't matter. The fact that her health is so bad is a side effect of OP's abuse. She's probably better off without him, and I sincerely hope that either he fixes his behavior or she leaves him.

[Milizard]

People do what they do for a reason. Eating carbs and sugar releases dopamine, the feel good hormone. It's an addiction.  By badgering, humiliating and belittling her you are making her feel shittier than she already does, and you are compounding the situation. Trust me, she doesn't like being fat. No-one does. It's not socially acceptable.

Try a little understanding and empathy. Try honouring your marriage vows. If you can't do that she is better off without you.

I'm guessing that you didn't read the OP's explanations of the full situation.

Rightflyer, if you disregard the health crisis, does that make the OP's behavior ok? The only reason everyone started giving him a pass was because his wife ended up in the hospital. Yeah, she's eating poorly and everything else. But that doesn't mean that the OP's behavior was good or helpful.

I still maintain that he's abusing his wife - verbally or emotionally, doesn't matter. The fact that her health is so bad is a side effect of OP's abuse. She's probably better off without him, and I sincerely hope that either he fixes his behavior or she leaves him.

I sensed a lot of frustration and fear from his post. There is no way to know whether his actions toward her were abusive or not.  The call to her employer was during an emergency situation, and it turned out he was right to be fearful for her.  Are you always patient and rational when you're scared and exasperated?

[Cowardly Toaster]

Incredible that people are shaming the OP. His wife is committing suicide in slow motion, he's tried everything, and he's obviously desperate to do something.

I'll flip the calling work thing around: If one of you had a spouse who was literally dying and you weren't willing to call their workplace if you thought it could save their life, then you are a bad person.

[GuitarStv]

Would the same rules about committing suicide in slow motion also apply to someone with a pack a day habit?  Smoking is no less damaging to one's health and overeating, and the logic that you can save a person's life by forcing them to quit would still apply.  Yet, I suspect that few people call the place of employment of their smoking spouse to discuss the ramifications of the situation with spouses supervisor.

[Milizard]

Would the same rules about committing suicide in slow motion also apply to someone with a pack a day habit?  Smoking is no less damaging to one's health and overeating, and the logic that you can save a person's life by forcing them to quit would still apply.  Yet, I suspect that few people call the place of employment of their smoking spouse to discuss the ramifications of the situation with spouses supervisor.

That is only comparable if the smoker is not able to get enough oxygen in their bloodstream and needs immediate O2, but is ignoring that fact and ignoring it and proceeding to go to work.

[partgypsy]

Has the OP given us any update?

[Dragonswan]

Was OP out of town when his wife had the medical emergency?  Otherwise, if the situation was that desperate why did he wait until his wife went to work and called the employer?  Why didn't he call for an ambulance when he got up in the morning to see to his wife?  His opening post reads like either he thought the job was part of the problem, called the job to tell them so and he happened to be right that this day her health was bad enough to land her in the hospital, or he couldn't get his wife to see his point and called her job to get them to do it for him and this day her health was bad enough to land her in the hospital - more like a coincidence, not that the OP knew his wife was on the edge that day and intervened because it was life or death.

Also, if this were really considered suicide in slow motion, he could have her committed to a mental health facility.  But no hospital would act on what he describes.  While it may be self destructive, it's not suicidal.

[ender]

Has the OP given us any update?

Yes, search the OP's username on page 1.... though if I were the OP I'd probably never come back to these forums given the reception they got.

Thank you.  I'm posting an update from the hospital. It turns out I may have saved my wife's life.

After I spoke with my wife's boss, she had a co-worker who is a part time paramedic check my wife's blood pressure, and it was so high, that they just called 911 and had an ambulance come and take her to the ER.

I spoke to the doctors at the ER, and they were shocked she hadn't come in sooner.  They said if I hadn't intervened, she most likely would not have survived today.  They said I was right to trust my instincts and follow up persistently.

My wife is now in the ER being administered by the doctors and nurses.  She is thankful that I was persistent in caring about her health and called her boss.  She had no idea her condition was so serious, even though other people had told her to go the ER and get addressed right away yesterday.

I can't believe the junk I'm seeing some of the other posters throw up.  I'm being a control freak?  You know what, if it means I care about my wife's heath over her salary, I'll take being a control freak and have my wife alive than dead.  My kids would much prefer the same thing as well.

It's amazing how nasty some of these people get, assuming the worst and post the vitriol on here.  I'm guessing these people are saints and absolutely do nothing wrong in life.  I'm just astounded.

[golden1]

I agree with Sibley and I urge him to divorce her.

$100 bucks says she gets healthy within a year of the divorce. 

[Rightflyer]

I agree with Sibley and I urge him to divorce her.

$100 bucks says she gets healthy within a year of the divorce.

I agree.

A divorce is probably the kick in the butt she needs.

[BlueHouse]

Incredible that people are shaming the OP. His wife is committing suicide in slow motion, he's tried everything, and he's obviously desperate to do something.

I'll flip the calling work thing around: If one of you had a spouse who was literally dying and you weren't willing to call their workplace if you thought it could save their life, then you are a bad person.

I'll just remind you that Jehovah's Witnesses believe they are literally saving you from certain death if they can't convert you.  Knowing that information makes me a little more sympathetic when they try to "save me" but I still get a little bit irked. 

[SnackDog]

I think to establish credentials here we may need everyone to post a recent photo (maybe holding a New York Times to establish date) of themselves. Full body.  No baggy clothes, either.

[wenchsenior]

I think to establish credentials here we may need everyone to post a recent photo (maybe holding a New York Times to establish date) of themselves. Full body.  No baggy clothes, either.

Well, I'd post my joke Christmas photo, of me in my greenhouse in a bikini, Santa hat, and snowboots.  Except I'm holding a glass of wine, which doesn't really set the best example in the world.

In all seriousness, I just hope both halves of this couple are doing better right now.  Very upsetting and stressful situation.

[Roadrunner53]

Seems this thread has been stagnant for quite a while. Can OP catch us up on how your wife is doing?

I have a couple of suggestions.

1. First, can you find out what your wife's favorite foods are and the two of you work together to make a healthy version of her favorites? Spark People has lots of good recipes and weight loss help.

2. Second, can you encourage your wife to go on an evening walk together with you. Get step counters and work toward goals of a certain amount of steps and work up.

Tell her you would like to work on this health makeover with her. I have read about married couples working together to achieve weight loss. Look it up on line.

[MDfive21]

i have a strategy that is counter to most of the suggestions in this thread.  i was in a similar situation to OP's, not food related but i don't want to go into that much detail on a public forum.

the only thing that worked, after years of trying to change the behavior of another human being, was to give up and detach physically and emotionally.  i stood in and picked up the slack with child rearing, cleaning the house and everything else that should have been shared.  in a way it was positive because i'm much closer with my kid as a result. 

detaching was the only way i could stay sane.  continuing to care was making me literally crazy and sick.  but when i made the decision to reduce contact, i began to make positive changes to my own routine and slowly gained my strength back.  i changed my already pretty good diet to a stellar one.  hit the gym, played more sports etc.  basically only spoke to the other half for functional things like who's in charge of the kid and what obligations we have outside the home.  it's important to note that this was strictly a strategy for my own mental health.  i was going nuts.

the other half will see the positive changes and at first be mad, then jealous, then all other kinds of crazy but she will never change until SHE wants to and has the drive to do it.  eventually she realized she wanted to be in a relationship again and made major changes.  things are pretty much ok now, but not because i did anything to change her.  she did it all herself while i was detached and mildly supportive.

bottom line:  OP take care of yourself and let your wife live in peace or die in peace.  forcing a change isn't going to work.  she'll change when she hits bottom as she defines it, not as you define it.

[Cassie]

Once I detach from someone I no longer love them so couldn’t remain in a marriage forever. I did until my youngest was 18. I tried to get the loving feelings back but gone was gone.

[GreenSheep]

This makes me think of Rich Roll and his wife, Julie Piatt. He's a chubby-lawyer-turned-ultrarunner with an excellent podcast on which she is occasionally a guest. Years ago, he ate mostly fast food and other processed foods, and she was vegetarian. She tried and tried to get him to eat better and exercise, and she finally just stopped. She told him that she loved him and that she was letting it go so that he could do what he felt was best for himself. He says he was skeptical at first, but when she really didn't bring it up again, he realized he was on his own (in terms of lifestyle -- she was still very much involved in his life as his wife), and he was suddenly motivated to get healthy. Sometimes backing off is the best plan.

[Kyle Schuant]

I think to establish credentials here we may need everyone to post a recent photo (maybe holding a New York Times to establish date) of themselves. Full body.  No baggy clothes, either.

Hey, don't look at me, this was my response.

Frankly, your wife sounds awful, but fairly typical for a modern Western person. Someone has to keep all those doctors employed. But you sound awful, too. A man shouldn't badmouth his wife to others, even strangers. Disloyalty isn't attractive. Has there ever been an instance in which someone whined, complained and berated their spouse on a regular basis, and the result was positive lifestyle change and hot sex?