Author Topic: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition  (Read 17665 times)

Captain Cactus

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 280
COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« on: September 29, 2020, 12:38:38 PM »
Hello all:

I knew it was coming eventually:  Holiday guilt because we're not getting together with my out-of-state mother for Thanksgiving and Christmas due to COVID-19.

She lives alone, in another state, a 5 hour drive from here.  Recently retired.  Today she asked if we were getting together for the holidays and I said we aren't getting together with anyone, including my wife's family that lives here in town, on those holidays.  All we've been talking about for 7 months is this darn virus, so she knows it's a serious topic.  At the same time it's as though she thinks it's ok to let down our guard because it's a holiday and we're entitled to see one another.

Anyone else facing holiday guilt associated with COVID?  Share your stories and commiserations below! 



K_in_the_kitchen

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 227
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2020, 12:59:12 PM »
I'm expecting more holiday guilt, even if Thanksgiving and Christmas haven't been brought up yet (mostly because DH's family doesn't plan this far ahead).  The guilt is compounded by other family members choosing to gather for the holidays, which means the spotlight of disapproval shines even more brightly on us.

My MIL was already surprised to hear I wouldn't be flying across the country for my dad's wedding.  To her it's inexcusable (or perhaps just unthinkable) not to go. While Covid was certainly a deciding factor, I'm not sure I would have gone even if it wasn't. I have strong opinions about climate change and flying for non-emergency reasons.

We didn't see MIL for Mother's Day, but DH's siblings did.  We didn't see my dad for Father's Day (before he moved), but my siblings did. My family got together for the 4th of July, we didn't attend. At least we're consistent!

Sibley

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4785
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2020, 01:04:32 PM »
It probably won't be a big deal for my family (knock on wood). We're pretty low key in general, and while mom likes to get everyone together it rarely happens. When it does happen I usually end up needing to withdraw quite a bit, just because I don't handle it well. Apparently, I am a cat - do not change my routine. Which is interesting when it's my house being used as the gathering spot.

Good luck to everyone.

Dollar Slice

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6535
  • Age: 43
  • Location: New York City
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2020, 01:04:56 PM »
I'm actually experiencing COVID holiday relief. It really helps having an immediate family who is on the same page about this.

I really don't enjoy Thanksgivings with my brother & SIL at their house - I always (literally every time I've been there) get migraines every day I'm in their home and it's generally a miserable time. So this year everyone decided it was just too much risk, and I get to skip it with no guilt or drama!

Hanukkah is usually not as bad, since it's hosted at my parents' house, and that means I don't have to travel so far or stay so long (~15 miles vs ~150). My brother & SIL and nephew will not be visiting due to COVID, and we've all agreed not to do a gift exchange since shopping in stores and going to the post office etc. is an additional risk.

The good news is that since I'm so close to my parents, we can see each other for low-key holiday dinners. They're the only people in my 'bubble' that I have seen indoors and unmasked. They also have visited two friends who live in a very low-COVID rural area and are incredibly high-risk (the wife has a clotting disorder and recently almost died from multiple pulmonary embolisms, and the husband has a serious inflammatory blood vessel disease, among other problems). They've all gotten tested multiple times and are very careful so I am confident that we can be a safe little group. Testing is pretty much available on demand here in NYC (they're constantly encouraging us to get tested so they can keep an eye on neighborhood trends), so I can get tested before visiting if I want to.

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8629
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2020, 01:13:35 PM »
Ours started in May or June when my niece and nephew texted me saying they were excited that we are coming home for Christmas!  I had to break the news that it ain't happening.  It was our plan...in Feb.

My stepfather is a cancer patient, so we cannot go visit them either.  We are taking a mellow vacation (long weekend to a lodge) at Thanksgiving though.

My kids can't go back to school yet.  Not getting on a plane.

GuitarStv

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 17198
  • Age: 39
  • Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #5 on: September 29, 2020, 01:18:12 PM »
We're planning on doing a zoom meeting between the different branches of the family during our thanksgiving dinners in different places.  :P

MrThatsDifferent

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2021
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2020, 01:39:01 PM »
Hello all:

I knew it was coming eventually:  Holiday guilt because we're not getting together with my out-of-state mother for Thanksgiving and Christmas due to COVID-19.

She lives alone, in another state, a 5 hour drive from here.  Recently retired.  Today she asked if we were getting together for the holidays and I said we aren't getting together with anyone, including my wife's family that lives here in town, on those holidays.  All we've been talking about for 7 months is this darn virus, so she knows it's a serious topic.  At the same time it's as though she thinks it's ok to let down our guard because it's a holiday and we're entitled to see one another.

Anyone else facing holiday guilt associated with COVID?  Share your stories and commiserations below!

Iíd imagine sheís lonely and scared and wants to feel safe and with people she loves. As a parent she would probably risk her life a thousand times over for her children. I donít fault her for the desire. People have different tolerances. My family is taking this seriously but wouldnít even consider not being together for special events. Only Iím missing out because I live in another country. Iíd give anything to be with them.

erutio

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 655
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2020, 01:44:15 PM »
Can't the mutual parties quarantine hard for ~7 days prior to meeting up for the holiday?  I guess that depends on if your family is all WFH and have kids e-learning.

Runrooster

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 241
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2020, 02:09:02 PM »
Our family had a lot of contention about getting together recently before my 86 yo father's heart surgery.  3 siblings live within driving distance, one lives a 2-hour flight away.  I voted against her/husband coming, saying Dad will recover from surgery but not from covid and is already fragile.  One sister voted for doctor sister to come, saying she must know enough about PPE since she hasn't caught covid despite her more than half time health care job.  They bought the tickets anyway, then rearranged the flight to vacation with their (local to them) son out of state, then came two weeks later anyway.  Fortunately no one caught covid on the plane or during the visit, but now they feel lax enough to repeat the process over Thanksgiving.  I thought the point was to see Dad "one last time" in case of death by surgery, but now seems like they think they're invulnerable.

There is also minor pressure to attend niece's wedding on New Year's, same 2 hour flight away.  Dad wants to go but Mom doesn't and I don't, so I don't think any of the three of us will go.  My brother and sister will probably both attend, so hopefully quarantine for 2 weeks after returning.  A vaccine would be really nice about now.

pachnik

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1868
  • Age: 56
  • Location: Vancouver, BC
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2020, 02:27:15 PM »
I am feeling the guilt a bit already re: Canadian Thanksgiving.  It is in about 2 weeks. 

Usually either my brother or I would host it.  My parents and aunt and uncle would come as well as me, my husband and my brother's family.  Both my husband and I think it is too risky to gather with the older generation all of whom are in their 80's and two have COPD on top of that.   However, my mom who has mild COPD is the worst about social distancing.  I wonder if she and my dad discussed it and decided it was worth it to take chances and visit with their grandkids. 

My husband and I will cook a turkey dinner regardless and since my parents live on the next block, I will deliver it to them.  So they'll get the food but there will be no get together. 

Jouer

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 463
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #10 on: September 29, 2020, 02:34:15 PM »
No guilt from family but it does suck to cancel plans to see them. We were planning on going home to Ottawa (from Toronto) for 10 days around Thanksgiving but with 700 new daily cases in the province (half of them here in TO), those plans have been cancelled.

slappy

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1207
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #11 on: September 29, 2020, 02:37:23 PM »
I live less than a mile from our family. We had a get together last weekend. 6 adults, 5 kids. The next day my husband received notification of possible exposure from somewhere he had been recently, and a week later he had symptoms and tested positive.

GuitarStv

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 17198
  • Age: 39
  • Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #12 on: September 29, 2020, 02:38:59 PM »
No guilt from family but it does suck to cancel plans to see them. We were planning on going home to Ottawa (from Toronto) for 10 days around Thanksgiving but with 700 new daily cases in the province (half of them here in TO), those plans have been cancelled.

Buckle up, unfortunately I think it's getting a lot worse before it gets better.

Captain Cactus

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 280
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #13 on: September 29, 2020, 03:04:42 PM »
ďBut we feeeeel healthy...it shoooould be safe...Ē.  Iíll bet a dollar weíll see a post-Christmas COVID spike and some people will die as a result of getting together with loved ones for the holidays. 

Not getting together will sting on the day of the holiday, but the next day itíll be over and people will move on.

I havenít gone anywhere since March.  Worked from home.  Occasional grocery store every few weeks.  Chinese pickup a handful of times.  A few picnics outside at my in-laws.  Havenít gone on vacation anywhere, havenít gone to the in laws condo in New Hampshire.  My mother has been out there living her best life on one hand (restaurants, driving in car with people, etc...) and then she talks about being cautious and conservative when she speaks with me on the phone.  I have a nasty autoimmune condition and my youngest son has a respiratory thing. 

Made it this far, certainly canít let up at this point or in the middle of winter when everyone is visiting in doors, visiting relatives hugging, etc... my mother isnít happy but hopefully sheíll come around to accept and understand once we get closer into the winter and closer to the holidays.

Paul der Krake

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5252
  • Age: 12
  • Location: UTC-10:00
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2020, 03:09:24 PM »
We live 6 and 12 time zones away from our respective families. Not feeling a shred of guilt over not traveling a quarter or a half world away just because itís Christmas. Video calling is ubiquitous and free, it will do.

Neustache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1224
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #15 on: September 29, 2020, 03:12:08 PM »
We are doing Thanksgiving in October outside.  People will roast their own hot dogs over a fire.   It will need to be fast due to bathroom issues.

MIL and FIL may not be happy about it, but we are!  They refuse to take even the most minor precautions, so this is all you get!  I think the kids will enjoy it. 


If MIL and FIL agree to a hard quarantine for Christmas, we could possibly do that in early January (I can't quarantine until school is out right before Christmas).  BUT we would have to believe they'll do it.  I'm not sure I trust them.



Freedomin5

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3472
  • Location: China
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #16 on: September 29, 2020, 04:01:57 PM »
Nope. No guilt here. It is what it is, and family and friends around us understand how serious it is. Most of us went through 2-week mandatory quarantine (like, a police officer and public health official and nurse escorted you to your home and locked you in), and no one wants to repeat that. Besides, our family lives a 12-hour flight away. My mom and I both flew during the height of COVID (me to get back to my expat job and mom to return home after being stuck abroad for five months), and we know what an anxiety-provoking ordeal it is, especially international flights.

Fi(re) on the Farm

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 212
  • Location: New Englandish
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2020, 04:32:59 PM »
My mom, who is in her early 80's but really active, usually does Thanksgiving at her house with about 20 people. My sister and I are trying to convince her that it's not a good idea this year. Her reaction was "well, I guess we won't invite X and her daughter". That still leaves 18 people in a smaller house.  I pretty much told her that she could either do it with my step sibling's family or with our family and my sister who would have to take public transportation shouldn't come.

She's not happy with me but I'm going to stand my ground on this one.

Mr. Green

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2669
  • Age: 37
  • Location: Wilmington, NC
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #18 on: September 29, 2020, 10:11:31 PM »
We just started talking about it in the last few days. I talked to my mom on the phone tonight and told her we wouldn't be doing any of the usual big family get togethers at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don't know why, but she was surprised. I explained that it's basically the most unsafe thing we can do, that 1 in 3 people who don't get sick enough to be hostpitalized deal with symptoms that linger for months, and my wife could be pregnant at the time. It isn't worth risking the future health of our child (something that hasn't been studied well) for a couple holiday get togethers. Honestly, I'm not sure if we'll even go to visit at all. We would stay with my sister since she's the only family member I know taking it really seriously. But knowing how other people will likely let their guard down during the holidays means the risk will be higher. I'm inclinded to skip the visits altogether.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2020, 10:16:12 PM by Mr. Green »

justchristine

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 423
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #19 on: September 30, 2020, 05:40:44 AM »
I'm giving in to guilt but doing it as safely as possible.  I'm an only child and my parents live 4hrs away with no other family to speak of around them.  I haven't seen them since last Christmas and I know they would be devastated if I didn't come this Christmas.  They're almost 80 and at this point, their mental well being is as important as their physical.  They really don't leave the house much other than groceries and dr visists (all safely masked) so I'm not too afraid of them giving it to me.  I plan on being ultra careful in the 2 weeks before I go and will try to make the trip without stopping.

Malcat

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4433
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #20 on: September 30, 2020, 06:08:45 AM »
Lol, no.

I tend to have virtually no guilt about doing what I believe is the right thing to do.

NotJen

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 879
  • Location: USA
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #21 on: September 30, 2020, 06:28:31 AM »
Whatever happens, there will be no guilt, and I will not guilt anyone to try to get my way.  Thatís not what we do.

But as that sister that lives far away, and may be left out of small family gatherings, it feels bad.  Really bad.

Iím dying to see my family.  It doesnít have to be Christmas, but thatís my last hope of seeing them since the same time last year.  I desperately hope we can work out a safe-as-possible visit.  I can quarantine beforehand, and drive instead of fly.

Adventine

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1593
  • Age: 31
  • Location: Manila, Philippines
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2020, 06:42:31 AM »
I will be very happy to have an ultra low key 2020 holiday season, with none of the tiresome giant family gatherings and obligatory parties.  Fortunately, everyone in my social circle is taking the pandemic seriously.

Thanksgiving isn't a thing where I live, but this is a country where Christmas season traditionally starts in September. Office buildings and shopping malls started playing Christmas music literally on September 1. That hasn't stopped, not even with COVID.

RetiredAt63

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 14613
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #23 on: September 30, 2020, 06:59:06 AM »
I have no expectations about Thanksgiving, DD is in Toronto and both Toronto and Ottawa have increasing numbers.  Plus now she is working from home half the time and going in to a public-facing job half the time so her exposure is higher.  We'll Skype instead.

YttriumNitrate

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1108
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #24 on: September 30, 2020, 07:08:23 AM »
For the past few years, my holiday gatherings have been fairly low key with maybe 7-10 people. I'm not sure about Thanksgiving, but for Christmas we'll be pre-quarantining. My son is excited that his Christmas vacation is starting a week early.

rantk81

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 720
  • Age: 39
  • Location: Chicago
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #25 on: September 30, 2020, 07:09:48 AM »
I am really looking forward to a peaceful, calm, low-key Thanksgiving and X-Mas!

dcheesi

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 994
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #26 on: September 30, 2020, 08:06:08 AM »
So far I feel like we've been caving in to family pressure on holidays etc. SO is Jewish, and we've had several family gatherings for high holidays and other events. Her parents are still active and social, and don't seem to be as worried as I think they ought to be at their age, but it also makes us feel like stick-in-the-muds for trying to follow distancing/mask rules within the family.

So far we've drawn the line at traveling to see extended family for Thanksgiving, as we have in past years, in part because of an elderly relative up there. I doubt they'll have the usual big gathering, but even if they do, we won't be attending. But assuming SO's parents don't travel up there, they'll inevitably want to hold a local family gathering instead.

Xmas is (of course) all on my side of the family, and that's totally up in the air at this point. My family situation has changed radically over the past year, so things will be different regardless. But my SiL will probably still want to see her adult kids*, which means she and my brother will likely still be coming up from Florida(!) for the holidays. [* or possibly just her son who's local, as her daughter takes COVID way more seriously and may not want to fly home, or contact her far less cautious mother].
« Last Edit: October 02, 2020, 05:37:14 AM by dcheesi »

terran

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3253
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #27 on: September 30, 2020, 08:13:13 AM »
We're planning on doing a zoom meeting between the different branches of the family during our thanksgiving dinners in different places.  :P

We've been doing this all along with my wife's family. We've actually "seen" them more than we normally do. It works surprisingly well.

the_fixer

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1032
  • Location: Colorado
  • mind on my money money on my mind
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #28 on: September 30, 2020, 08:34:40 AM »
Yep, got the txt from my sister yesterday.

Her words.

ďare we going to attend or are we still too scared of the rona to leave the houseĒ

Pissed me off, this is not the first time she has said it this year.

We go out and do stuff all of the time like work, hiking, biking, paddle boarding, camping, socially distanced BYOE BBQ or picnics with friends and even a 2 week camping trip to Jackson WY.

Meanwhile they are going on vacation in Vegas next week, staying on the strip and hitting the casinos and this is just one of many trips to party with friends they have made this year.

I have tried to explain that we are 15 years older than her (she is mid 30ís), my wife has serious health issues that are particularly bad for covid outcomes and that we are trying to be cautious while still doing stuff but she just responds that we are just scared.

My last response to her was basically that what she calls scared I call looking at the facts, data,  using my brain and making an educated decision to avoid an outcome that could have a severe impact on our future health and financial wellbeing and that I am at peace with our choices.

Honestly I am ready to write her off from my life she has been consistently toxic on so many levels.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

PoutineLover

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1370
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #29 on: September 30, 2020, 08:59:09 AM »
I'm sad about missing holidays and not getting to see my family. We're already long distance and it's not the same to do it on zoom. But my region is saying no gatherings at all, so there won't be a thanksgiving dinner and Christmas is still undecided. Usually we host 20 people here, and with social distancing that's just not possible, so if anything it'll just be a very small gathering instead and zoom with everyone else.

RetiredAt63

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 14613
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2020, 09:30:08 AM »
For those of you getting all the awkward thrown at you by rude/inconsiderate/thoughtless relatives, may I recommend Captain Awkward?  Her best advice is return the awkward to sender.  People who are like that depend on the rest of us to respect normal civility and be given a bye.

the_fixer

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1032
  • Location: Colorado
  • mind on my money money on my mind
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #31 on: September 30, 2020, 10:19:36 AM »
For those of you getting all the awkward thrown at you by rude/inconsiderate/thoughtless relatives, may I recommend Captain Awkward?  Her best advice is return the awkward to sender.  People who are like that depend on the rest of us to respect normal civility and be given a bye.
Could you share an example? I am normally a peace maker and an easy going type person so find it hard to deal with that type of conflict / situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sibley

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4785
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #32 on: September 30, 2020, 10:24:22 AM »
For those of you getting all the awkward thrown at you by rude/inconsiderate/thoughtless relatives, may I recommend Captain Awkward?  Her best advice is return the awkward to sender.  People who are like that depend on the rest of us to respect normal civility and be given a bye.
Could you share an example? I am normally a peace maker and an easy going type person so find it hard to deal with that type of conflict / situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This might be helpful.
https://captainawkward.com/2020/04/16/link-the-answer-to-all-your-social-distancing-loophole-questions-is-no/

NumberJohnny5

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 664
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #33 on: September 30, 2020, 10:51:08 AM »
Yep, got the txt from my sister yesterday.

Her words.

ďare we going to attend or are we still too scared of the rona to leave the houseĒ

Pissed me off, this is not the first time she has said it this year.

Have you tried agreeing with her?

"Yes, I am still too scared to lose my wife to Covid. She means the world to me, and I'll gladly trade one Christmas away from family to have Christmas with her for the next twenty."

I suck at writing right now, but you get the idea. I find it kinda takes the steam out of their argument if you straight up agree with them. They may switch tactics; if you can't agree with their new statement, just keep agreeing with their prior one. "You were 100% spot on when you said we were too scared to come. I couldn't have said it better myself." If nothing else, you can be amused at them arguing against themselves.

As for us, not much will change Re: Holidays. We're taking basic precautions, but aren't being overly strict. Reason being, we probably all had Covid already. Wife took care of Covid patients back in July without proper PPE, she got sick, then me, then our two sons (one of whom still can't smell anything); only our daughter didn't have any symptoms that we know of. Wife took two Covid tests (one standard, one antibody) and our youngest took a standard test, all came back negative, so we're still taking at least basic precautions (for example, on long drive we stopped at Arby's, bunch of workers came in to eat right after us and none were wearing masks, so now we won't visit family for a MINIMUM of four days after, probably a bit longer, just in case).

Malcat

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4433
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #34 on: September 30, 2020, 10:55:45 AM »
For those of you getting all the awkward thrown at you by rude/inconsiderate/thoughtless relatives, may I recommend Captain Awkward?  Her best advice is return the awkward to sender.  People who are like that depend on the rest of us to respect normal civility and be given a bye.
Could you share an example? I am normally a peace maker and an easy going type person so find it hard to deal with that type of conflict / situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just have a canned answer to give people in advance "I'm not willing to take any unnecessary risks, but I will miss you terribly over the holidays."

Don't be the peace maker, nobody is forcing you to, it's just a habit you've cultivated in yourself, and like any habit, it can be broken.

the_fixer

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1032
  • Location: Colorado
  • mind on my money money on my mind
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #35 on: September 30, 2020, 11:08:45 AM »
Fair enough, I guess growing up in an abusive environment molds us and I will be the first to admit it has affected the way I handle situations.  I could stand to be a little less of a punching bag for those around me and let them deal with their issues rather than trying to absorb their dysfunction.

Thanks for the free coaching session :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sibley

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4785
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #36 on: September 30, 2020, 11:32:41 AM »
Fair enough, I guess growing up in an abusive environment molds us and I will be the first to admit it has affected the way I handle situations.  I could stand to be a little less of a punching bag for those around me and let them deal with their issues rather than trying to absorb their dysfunction.

Thanks for the free coaching session :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You should definitely spend some time reading Captain Awkward. You may find it quite helpful.

John Galt incarnate!

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1991
  • Location: On Cloud Nine
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #37 on: September 30, 2020, 11:47:09 AM »
Hello all:

I knew it was coming eventually:  Holiday guilt because we're not getting together with my out-of-state mother for Thanksgiving and Christmas due to COVID-19.

She lives alone, in another state, a 5 hour drive from here.  Recently retired.  Today she asked if we were getting together for the holidays and I said we aren't getting together with anyone, including my wife's family that lives here in town, on those holidays.  All we've been talking about for 7 months is this darn virus, so she knows it's a serious topic.  At the same time it's as though she thinks it's ok to let down our guard because it's a holiday and we're entitled to see one another.

Anyone else facing holiday guilt associated with COVID?  Share your stories and commiserations below!

No.

On holidays, phone calls/emails/cards are typical of how my family and I "get together"
due to the fact that except for one sister all of my immediate family  lives  ~3000 miles away and I don't fly.

Sometimes I visit my sister who lives ~ 250 miles away.

I enjoy taking the train to visit her and my nieces/nephew.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2020, 11:53:06 AM by John Galt incarnate! »

John Galt incarnate!

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1991
  • Location: On Cloud Nine
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #38 on: September 30, 2020, 12:03:10 PM »
I'm sad about missing holidays and not getting to see my family. We're already long distance and it's not the same to do it on zoom.

I  have what I call a "hybrid" personality.

Sometimes I like solitude  and sometimes to be among people so I'm not sad about not visiting  family members  on holidays.

May you soon cheer up.

regenaeb

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 35
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #39 on: September 30, 2020, 12:15:15 PM »
Guilt no, disappointment yes. We always plan to visit my Dad and step Mom in PA at Thanksgiving. But as of right now PA is on the "no go" list for MA. Hubby is in the military and cannot go to any state that will require him to quarantine for 14 days afterwards per MA "no go" list. He can only go if it is for duty on military orders. I could take my girls and go by myself, but then they would miss 2 weeks of school afterwards since we have to quarantine for 14 days when we return. We live on a military installation and they take this stuff very seriously, they won't except a negative test, you must 14 day quarantine before returning to school on base. So we are disappointed we will not be seeing them this Thanksgiving.

As for Christmas, we normally go to FL to our house (it is currently a rental and always needs something attended to) and stay with hubby's family while we are there. My girls get to see all their old friends and family we haven't seen in a year. But just like above FL is on the "no go" list. I am more disappointed about not getting to FL.

Still hoping these 2 states might be able to turn things around, but I highly doubt it. FL just opened restaurant and bars to full 100% capacity and the Governor said business' don't have to enforce mask mandates. So you can guess what's going to happen in FL in about 4 weeks.

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8629
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #40 on: September 30, 2020, 02:24:51 PM »
I live less than a mile from our family. We had a get together last weekend. 6 adults, 5 kids. The next day my husband received notification of possible exposure from somewhere he had been recently, and a week later he had symptoms and tested positive.
Gah!!  I'm so sorry.

Jouer

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 463
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #41 on: September 30, 2020, 02:30:50 PM »
No guilt from family but it does suck to cancel plans to see them. We were planning on going home to Ottawa (from Toronto) for 10 days around Thanksgiving but with 700 new daily cases in the province (half of them here in TO), those plans have been cancelled.

Buckle up, unfortunately I think it's getting a lot worse before it gets better.

Yea man, I think you are right.

Last night as my wife and I were discussing what we wanted to do here by ourselves for Thanksgiving, she blurted out "oh no Christmas could be cancelled, too" and started to cry. In 40 years she hasn't spent a single Christmas away from her family so this is going to be tough on her. I'm pre-emptively working on physical distanced options. 

Shwaa

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 62
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #42 on: September 30, 2020, 02:43:53 PM »
Honestly it's nice to have an excuse NOT to go this year...

I love my family but I do not enjoy spending holidays with them, and I generally spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas with them.  Typical family drama and tension that I am sure many others experience at holiday gatherings. 

Neustache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1224
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #43 on: September 30, 2020, 04:53:16 PM »
For those of you getting all the awkward thrown at you by rude/inconsiderate/thoughtless relatives, may I recommend Captain Awkward?  Her best advice is return the awkward to sender.  People who are like that depend on the rest of us to respect normal civility and be given a bye.

We did this! It was super awkward!  But after 6 months of being the civil ones (mostly, I had sorta called it out twice before) I was DONE!

FIL laughed at us for not attending church because people are not wearing masks.  Since I am a teacher and had just finished a hellish week of virtual school, I was...on edge.  I called him out on it.  Then tattled to MIL about the rude behavior we have endured from FIL over the 'Rona.  I wish I had said things better, been more calm in my delivery, but I think it was good to clear the air.   I will be kind and polite to them, but now he KNOWS that he is going to get called out on it, I suspect he'll stop. 


Captain Cactus

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 280
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #44 on: September 30, 2020, 05:48:57 PM »
For those of you getting all the awkward thrown at you by rude/inconsiderate/thoughtless relatives, may I recommend Captain Awkward?  Her best advice is return the awkward to sender.  People who are like that depend on the rest of us to respect normal civility and be given a bye.

We did this! It was super awkward!  But after 6 months of being the civil ones (mostly, I had sorta called it out twice before) I was DONE!

FIL laughed at us for not attending church because people are not wearing masks.  Since I am a teacher and had just finished a hellish week of virtual school, I was...on edge.  I called him out on it.  Then tattled to MIL about the rude behavior we have endured from FIL over the 'Rona.  I wish I had said things better, been more calm in my delivery, but I think it was good to clear the air.   I will be kind and polite to them, but now he KNOWS that he is going to get called out on it, I suspect he'll stop.

What did he say that made you finally call him out?  And then what did you say to him?  And then what did he say back to you?

I am super curious because I may need a script to follow...

Joel

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 838
  • Location: California
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #45 on: September 30, 2020, 09:09:43 PM »
I went to college 30 minutes from my parents house. My mother in particular is heavy on the guilt tripping, especially around the holidays. Post college we moved 2 hours away to a town in between both families. The first holiday season that we shared holidays meant we were traveling both directions to see both families on each occasion. That was way too much. We finally decided one family per holiday. Around this time, an opportunity was presented to us to move to Europe for work. So whenever any attempted guilt trips started, my response has always been wait until we move to Europe. That pretty much shut down the nonsense.

MayDay

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4572
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #46 on: October 01, 2020, 05:57:42 AM »
We only ever have fairly small family gatherings but of course this year my entire family planned a big trip to FL for Dec 26-31. From my 85 year old grandpa all the way to the 1 year old great granddaughter.

That is cancelled since FL sucks. We may still visit in laws over t day (5 people all being careful) and we will likely visit my parents over Xmas (2 people being careful). Just depends how bad things are at the time. As two working parents with kids who barely go to school we may also send the kids to my parents for a week or so to do virtual school there.

jrhampt

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1246
  • Age: 43
  • Location: Connecticut
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #47 on: October 01, 2020, 09:47:33 AM »
We usually try to get together the extended family (siblings + parents) for Christmas but even if we exclude the 80+ set, it would be 5 different households in 5 different states all over the country (both coasts, north, south, and midwest) with varying levels of risk and travel advisories trying to find a place to stay for a week or so in December.  I just can't work out how this would be at all feasible, but my sister is holding out hope.  Not a single one of our households is able to isolate right now either due to various combinations of jobs, school, and roommates.  I suppose maybe there's some way to do it with rapid covid testing?  But I haven't come up with anything so far and there's no way to know where the hotspots will be 3 months from now. 

Malcat

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4433
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #48 on: October 01, 2020, 10:53:13 AM »
Fair enough, I guess growing up in an abusive environment molds us and I will be the first to admit it has affected the way I handle situations.  I could stand to be a little less of a punching bag for those around me and let them deal with their issues rather than trying to absorb their dysfunction.

Thanks for the free coaching session :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I grew up in an extremely fucked up environment, it's exactly *why* I value my boundaries so much.

I deeply love my family and adore being close to them...but with boundaries.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2020, 10:57:25 AM by Malcat »

mcneally

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 193
Re: COVID-19: Holiday Guilt Edition
« Reply #49 on: October 01, 2020, 02:08:20 PM »
Can't the mutual parties quarantine hard for ~7 days prior to meeting up for the holiday? 

I'm a bit baffled this isn't the majority opinion for those who have close family within driving distance (up quarantine to 10-14 days if you want). I'd assume if you're unwilling to visit your parents, you're probably already working from home and not going to the office- basically already quarantining anyway. I get not wanting a big extended family gathering if you don't 100% trust everybody, but I'll be visiting my parents.