Author Topic: Asking for money  (Read 9347 times)

englishteacheralex

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #50 on: March 04, 2019, 08:40:37 AM »
Is there a used baby gear place you could shop at? Or just put the word out among your friends to see if anybody has some of this stuff that they could lend you?

For our trips to visit family in major cities, we've taken to calling ahead at kid gear consignment shops and asking them to set aside that common stuff your daughter is requesting. When we get to the city, we drive to pick up the stuff. At the end of the trip, the consignment shops take it all back and give us back 1/2 of the money we spent (which wasn't much to begin with). We tell them up front that this is our plan and it works great. Much cheaper than renting the stuff, too.

Last time we bought and returned: a pack n play, a high chair, a big bag of toddler legos, and a bag of beach toys when we visited my uncle and aunt in LA (my mom flew to join us). I think the whole haul cost us $40? And then my mom got half of it back when she returned it (we told her to keep the money).

Oh: WE bought the stuff. They're our kids, we figure.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #51 on: March 04, 2019, 08:48:37 AM »
I think that when your daughter is visiting, it is time to tell her that she is making her life your financial burden. It takes away some of the joy you feel for meeting them, if it only means you have to pay and pay and pay, by her choice. Tell her that it is her life and her children and she is financially responsible for them. You do not want to sponsor her lifestyle. Name the various parties as an example. It is not normal to have catering for 50 people and let others pay for it. And name the planned investment for a bike trailer as an example.

Yes, it would be practical for you to have a second-hand high chair for the infant. That is the only item that is really needed for the trip. I wouldn't bother to buy a bike trailer. But look up where she can rent one near your place.

ixtap

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #52 on: March 04, 2019, 08:52:34 AM »
After my gramdson’s first birthday they’ll be coming to visit for a week so I’ll have to get ahead of that also. She’s already asked me to buy a high chair, ( makes sense ) small title pool ( no big deal ) and maybe a baby bike trailer to take him on bike rides,  but I’m sure other requests will be coming, “ to make their life and the trip easier. “ As mentioned, I certainly don’t mind helping, but never get the chance to offer before she starts asking. She’s become all too comfortable with asking for money.
I’m on it though !

It is fine if you want to have those things, many grandparents do. For the record, my ILs have a dozen grandchildren, all nearby and regular visitors, and have used a convertible high chair/ booster seat for all of them, rather than purchasing a dedicated high chair.

However, it is actually ridiculous for her to ask you to get these items. Parents should expect to provide for their own children while travelling.

Car Jack

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #53 on: March 04, 2019, 08:55:22 AM »
Cut the daughter off at the pass.  Tell her you want to go on vacation, but have spent all your vacation money on her parties.  Could she give you $10k so you could go on a proper vacation?

Seems quite reasonable to me.

SKL-HOU

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #54 on: March 04, 2019, 09:03:39 AM »
After my gramdson’s first birthday they’ll be coming to visit for a week so I’ll have to get ahead of that also. She’s already asked me to buy a high chair, ( makes sense ) small title pool ( no big deal ) and maybe a baby bike trailer to take him on bike rides,  but I’m sure other requests will be coming, “ to make their life and the trip easier. “ As mentioned, I certainly don’t mind helping, but never get the chance to offer before she starts asking. She’s become all too comfortable with asking for money.
I’m on it though !

It is fine if you want to have those things, many grandparents do. For the record, my ILs have a dozen grandchildren, all nearby and regular visitors, and have used a convertible high chair/ booster seat for all of them, rather than purchasing a dedicated high chair.

However, it is actually ridiculous for her to ask you to get these items. Parents should expect to provide for their own children while travelling.

I agree.

My parents live in another country. My son stays with them in the summers. Anything he needs my parents are happy to get him, however, I would never ask my parents to get these things. They do not accept money from me saying he is their grandson and they are happy to provide everything for him. The difference is it is their choice. I pay for the flight for my mom to come and pick up my son and take him to their country and bring him back. Sometimes my mom wants to pay for her travel but I fight that because she is the one doing me a favor so she shouldn't be paying for it (but sometimes she ends up paying because she wont allow me to).

J Boogie

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #55 on: March 04, 2019, 09:10:10 AM »
After my gramdson’s first birthday they’ll be coming to visit for a week so I’ll have to get ahead of that also. She’s already asked me to buy a high chair, ( makes sense ) small title pool ( no big deal ) and maybe a baby bike trailer to take him on bike rides,  but I’m sure other requests will be coming, “ to make their life and the trip easier. “ As mentioned, I certainly don’t mind helping, but never get the chance to offer before she starts asking. She’s become all too comfortable with asking for money.
I’m on it though !

Oh man. Maybe it's just me that thought this was an attitude related to parties. Clearly it's not. You are being taken for granted :( and my heart goes out to you.

I'm really sorry for this position you're in, especially since pulling back will make you the odd grandparent out (since they're all aboard the spoil train, choo choo)

I have a potential solution to allow you to give on your own terms.

I am 33 and have a toddler and one on the way. We get tons of things, mostly toys, and it sounds like that's probably true for you grandchild as well. Well, toys are in extreme abundance. There's no need to spend money on them. No child born in our time will ever have suffered from a lack of toys. But many will not be able to afford a good education given how much costs have gone up in that area.

When my wife's cousin offered to contribute to my son's 529, I was extremely grateful. And from the sounds of it, your daughter and her husband might not have this long term savings goal in mind. I know it's got to be way more exciting to see your grandchild light up from a new toy, so I want to make sure you know I'm offering this simply as a suggestion.











LaineyAZ

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #56 on: March 04, 2019, 09:21:49 AM »
It sounds like they don't live nearby.  As others have said, as a grandma you can check out the baby and child consignment shops to have things like a portable crib and bike trailer on hand for visits - no need to purchase new.

Dicey

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #57 on: March 04, 2019, 10:15:37 AM »
My younger self could have written either of these posts (except for the strikeout):

It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around this.  I’m 47 and have never, and would never, ask anyone to chip in on a party or an event I’m throwing.  I don’t recall a time in my life where I ever asked my parents for money either.  I bought my own clothes, car, gas and paid for college.  I guess I was just too independent.

Coming from a young(ish) 26 year old. My parents have not paid for a party since graduating colleg (which they did not help pay for with a penny).  This party was just a friends, family, food, and drinks in their backyard. The closest thing to monetary support I have received since being a teen was them offering to always provide a place to live if I ever needed it. I feel an extreme amount of gratitude for them allowing me to learn life's lessons on my own. These are invaluable and may make your daughter question whether the parties are even worth it.

I didn't get married until I was 54. We eloped. My parents died a few years later. It wasn't until long after they were gone that I realized they didn't give us so much as a wedding card. They were thrilled that I finally got married and really liked my new husband*. I think it just didn't occur to them, because I had never in my adult life asked them for anything. They helped to some degree with all of my five younger siblings' weddings, some more than once. They did let me move home gratis for a few months when I was in my early twenties, because I had cancer. The treatment, which I paid for myself, was more reasonably priced where they lived. It was a huge help.

This is relevant to your question, retiredat58, because I had learned from my parents how to fend for myself. Nothing has ever stopped my from figuring out how to finance my dreams on my own. I know I can handle anything that life throws at me. Though it felt like more of a shit sandwich at the time, I am grateful for the lessons their actions taught me.

It seems your daughter has picked up that unfortunate child-of-divorce trait of playing one parent off the other to get what they want. Weaning her will not be easy, but it is necessary for her to blossom into a fully formed, capable, independent human being. Keeping that goal in mind will help you stay the course. Best wishes to you and your daughter!

*If anyone's interested, here's how my darling husband won my parents over. First visit to their house, he noticed their kitchen faucet was difficult to turn. He diagnosed the problem, said, "This manufacturer has a lifetime warranty. Let me see what I can do." Comes home, contacts the company, they send him a replacement. (They knew by my parents address that it was legit, because it was a bulk buy by the builder. ) Next trip, DH installs the new one and earns the key to my mother's heart. Dad followed suit, because if mom's happy, everybody's happy.

Cassie

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #58 on: March 04, 2019, 11:16:04 AM »
My mom bought a used crib and high chair for our visits and some toys. This was all that was needed and I didn’t ask her too. Yikes, just buy the bare minimum and ignore the other requests.

NonprofitER

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #59 on: March 04, 2019, 11:37:29 AM »
Just a thought - rather than buying a high chair, you could get a small/collapsible clip on high chair (IE, Google Clip on high chair and see examples).  OR BETTER YET, SEND A LINK TO ONE TO YOUR DAUGHTER with a note like, "AH! Here's what you could buy and bring with you/ use on future travel/trips!".

If you want to keep one at your house, I wouldn't blame you (many grandparents do), but at least the clip on versions take up less room and are less obnoxious to store.  We lived overseas when our daughter was age 0 - 2, and we never asked our parents to buy anything when we were visiting. At most we asked them to borrow a car seat from a friend, when possible, or we rented one. Everything else we hauled with us (across 24 hours door to door, including a 12+ hr overnight flight) or improvised/ did without.

This is not normal adult behavior!

marble_faun

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #60 on: March 04, 2019, 01:06:01 PM »
Wow, to me it sounds like you are being taken advantage of. 

I'm in my 30s and haven't asked my parents for money since college. I would be ashamed to mooch off my parents at this point in life, especially for something optional like a party. 

Time to end this pattern with your daughter. Decline all requests to subsidize her expenses.  If these parties and items of travel equipment are truly necessary, she will find a way to budget and pay for them.

It will be hard to change course at first, but you can show love to the family in other ways.  The college fund you mentioned will be far more worthwhile and valued in the end.

AMandM

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #61 on: March 04, 2019, 06:47:41 PM »
It seems to me that the real problem from your perspective is not the expenses themselves. It's that your daughter makes it impossible for you to be generous, because she pre-emptively demands and expects gifts you would have liked to *offer*. It's not about your money (which you have control over), it's about her attitude (which you do not have control over).  If I'm right, that puts you in a really tough spot.

Here are various ideas that might or might not be workable for you. Take what seems helpful and ignore the rest!

-Definitely ignore all after-the-fact whining and hinting about how expensive something was, or respond as others suggested with "Lesson learned" messages.

-Raise the overall issue directly with your daughter. "You usually ask me to buy things that are part of your plans before I have the chance to offer. That makes it impossible for me to be generous, and instead I feel like a vending machine. Can you tell me your plans without asking for anything?" or maybe even, "From now on, if you make plans based on expecting contributions from me, I won't help."

-Simply say no to all her requests. Put your generosity to work in other ways: take your grandson on outings, have him over to your place to visit, invest in a 529 plan, save up to offer him a trip when he's older, give him books, later on give him music lessons, etc.

-Pretend your daughter didn't ask for anything, then decide what you would have offered to do/give. Do that and no more. For instance, if my 1yo grandson were coming for a week-long visit, I'd borrow (or buy second-hand) a portacrib and a booster seat. I'd make sure there was a toddler-safe area for him to roam and play in. I'd borrow some books from the library.

It's mystifying to me how your daughter developed this habit after being brought up frugally by you.  I wonder if it would be fruitful for you to think about that, as a possible path towards changing the dynamic between the two of you. (To be clear, I mean think about it for yourself--you don't owe us internet strangers any details you don't want to share.)

Good luck!

MayDay

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #62 on: March 04, 2019, 07:40:18 PM »
^^ yes!

I will say that it is extremely helpful for grandparents to have a high chair, stroller, etc. But buy (used) what you want to store! Let her know what works for you and offer that she can Amazon you anything else she wants.


I don't know how often she visits but a high chair and pack and play sound reasonable, a bike trailer does not. But maybe they come frequently. Perhaps you can buy your grandchild the bike trailer for their birthday! Or buy it for your daughter for mother's day!

Just Joe

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Re: Asking for money
« Reply #63 on: March 04, 2019, 09:50:18 PM »
Remind daughter that you have no one to look out for your current and future expenses. You have to be careful b/c you don't know what the future will bring... Consequently you'll be making different choices (as suggested by everyone here) and you just know that daughter will understand...

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!