Author Topic: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)  (Read 8056 times)

OtherJen

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #50 on: March 07, 2019, 01:03:50 PM »

I suspect this is more common than you might think.  My coworker's brother's wife asked her dad to *retire* so that he could help her more with her kid.  In our own family, my (very well-off) BIL and his wife ask my MIL to fly out across the country to babysit all the time - when the daycare is often closed, when they are transitioning schools and want extra hands to ease the transition for their kid, when they go on vacation (sometimes bringing MIL and sometimes leaving the kids with her), when it's a birthday or holiday, etc.  MIL has now gotten into the habit of flying back and forth every 6-8 weeks.  I actually think she's spent more time out there this past year than she has at home.  On the positive side, BIL at least is paying for her flights (with his miles from work).

We actually just learned that they didn't put their 1 yr old into daycare and instead SIL's mom watches him.  They had a nanny (who retired) for the first one, and wanted a similar experience for the second one.  We learned about this when SIL's mom got chickenpox and they asked MIL to fly out on very short notice to watch the grandkids until the other grandma recovered & wasn't contagious anymore.  Because heaven forbid they have a local back up plan/trade off using their sick time.

Yikes. When I was a teenager, my mother informed me in no uncertain terms that she had no plans to leave work to watch my future children. She has no recollection of this convo; I think it probably happened after yet another of my older female cousins had an unexpected kid with little money and no plan beyond family help (bonus of being one of the youngest in a huge extended family: learn from others' mistakes!).

Husband and I have no plans to have kids. If we did, my in-laws live 2 hours away and are not physically able to care for children alone (my FIL might be okay but I don't think he would want to, and MIL has some severe health issues). Out of the question. My dad is retired but still recovering from two hip replacements and cannot chase after kids. My mom still works full-time. I might ask my parents to cover a date night once or twice a year, but that's it. I'd feel awful asking for more and I'd never expect it. I feel bad enough asking for my parents to feed our pets when we go out of town once or twice per year, even though they genuinely enjoy the animals.

Even if we wanted to be parents, the required child care costs are truly frightening. That's enough to put me off.

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #51 on: March 07, 2019, 01:20:19 PM »
They ask your parents to fly out to come babysit? That's kind of weird. I do remember spending time with my grandparents as a child when my parents went out of town. I think that is part of what families do, but they lived in the same town.

Oh dear, I guess I'm weird then. I don't mind flying out to visit and babysit so they can go on a vacation. They both work hard at very demanding jobs, I'm glad I can give them a break. Plus I love playing with my granddaughter. Fortunately my son in an only child so there's no sibling rivalry to worry about.

I don't think it's weird if it's what you want to do. I definitely have a small build up of resentment about it because when my oldest son was born, he had multiple health problems for his first 18 months of life....which were very stressful. And I didn't have one iota of help from my parents even though they knew we were hanging on by a thread. Sometimes now, my mom will say "I should have come down to help you".....but she didn't, and it does suck to see all the help my brother gets. I probably need some therapy! lol

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #52 on: March 07, 2019, 01:25:00 PM »
I like what I’m reading here.  I’m 48. My kids are 21 and 25.  Recently divorced.  While married my ex had such a hard ass mentality that when the kids turned 18 they were automatically more independent.  He joined the military at 18 as did his dad so no help was needed as this was his mentality even though our kids were going a different direction.  There were a couple times I was uncomfortable like when my daughter let the dog eat her retainer, she paid for a new one,  or I split the bill getting their wisdom teeth pulled. Ouch.  She did get a nice car from us which floored me.

Fast forward to today, he’s out of the picture completely, cheating alcoholic ass hole. I still have one in college I’m helping to launch, never could have helped him like I am if I was still married. While I don’t shell out money to my daughter, I do rent my basement to her and her husband cheaper than I would a stranger and we both help each other often. Again so different than what would happen if I was still married but it’s very nice and I’m close to my kids.  We all appreciate each other.

When I plan for my future I’m running numbers to see what I would need to be comfortable and thinking how I can help them become home owners or help w healthcare, I’ve got Tricare til I die and I’m pretty concerned what their future healthcare will look like. I already paid for my son to have a 7000$ foot procedure that Tricare didn’t cover but he needed.

Anyway thanks to what I learned about enabling by living w an alcoholic, I’m confident I can be there for my kids in a healthy way.   


mm1970

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #53 on: March 07, 2019, 01:31:38 PM »
But I had several friends and coworkers in their 50's, and their kids (in their 20s) were also still on their phone plans.  I started to wonder why?

Because it’s cheaper that way, especially when we all live at home, since phone plan is usually bundled with internet. Or if there are a set number of telephone minutes, text minutes, and data, and one person (mom) primarily uses phone minutes while kids primarily use text/data.

It can actually be very Mustachian. You know, we talk about borrowing tools from neighbors so we don’t have to purchase our own, or co-housing, etc. all as Mustachian principles, and doing so allows me to live in a bigger house than I could otherwise afford or use nicer tools than I could otherwise afford, but when kids and parents do the same thing, the kids are suddenly deemed “moochers” who aren’t paying their own way.

I’m not saying that kids should be lazy and live off their parents’ money; I am saying that perhaps this thing with parents supporting kids and vice versa isn’t always an indication of poor character or moral values in the kids (lazy, entitled) or parents (enabling, poor financial stewards who are giving away their own retirement funds).
Yep.  That's the point I made later in my post.  It's cheaper to have a family plan, once they are on - why kick them off.  If it's not broken...

mm1970

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #54 on: March 07, 2019, 01:42:33 PM »
They ask your parents to fly out to come babysit? That's kind of weird. I do remember spending time with my grandparents as a child when my parents went out of town. I think that is part of what families do, but they lived in the same town.

Oh dear, I guess I'm weird then. I don't mind flying out to visit and babysit so they can go on a vacation. They both work hard at very demanding jobs, I'm glad I can give them a break. Plus I love playing with my granddaughter. Fortunately my son in an only child so there's no sibling rivalry to worry about.
Yes, I think this is going to vary a LOT on family dynamics.

We are on the opposite coast from our parents.  I used to fly my mom out annually to give her a break, a vacation.  She babysat my big kid so we could have a "date night" once or twice, but never for a weekend away or anything like that.  She wasn't in the kind of mental or physical state to do that. 

We now fly out MIL every year or two to see her grandkids.  We occasionally take her on a vacation with us, but have never asked to leave the kids with her so we could go away (so our big kid is almost 13 and we haven't had a kid free vacation in 13 years).  That's not our dynamic.  Even when we go visit, we rarely get a date night - because we go to see them, and they want to see US.  They don't want to babysit.  Once we went to visit family and we arranged to leave our big kid (who was 10, I think) an extra week.  He hung out with cousins and grandma for a week before spouse went out and retrieved him.  I think that was a very fun week for big kid and for everyone.

Some of all of our dynamic is that we were older parents.  Yeah, my MIL is pretty spry, but she watched her other grandchildren 1-3 days a week.  She's done her time.  She's 75 and my younger child is 6.  That's asking a lot.

My neighbor has the opposite dynamic.  Her mom will come out and babysit the 3 kids for a weekend or a week.  She'll do the same for the cousins who are a few hours south of here.  Grandma loves it, the kids love it too.

Neither one is wrong or right, it's just different.  If I got invited to go somewhere for a week with my spouse, no kids, what would I do?  I guess I wouldn't mind leaving them with a grandparent.  I'd never ask though.  I would also not ask a friend to watch them, nor would I be interested in paying a sitter.  So, we'd probably decline to go.

mm1970

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #55 on: March 07, 2019, 01:44:59 PM »
We ask for our parents to come stay to help out when one or the other of us is on work travel. We wouldn’t be able to work a full day otherwise because of the hours our nanny works and commute time. It is also exhausting being a single parent to two little kids for 7-10 days at a time. Thankfully our parents are happy for the excuse to come visit with the littles and are generally helpful. I am very glad we have this as an option.
My husband travels a lot.  When he's gone, I just work shorter days.  I used to either try and make up the hours after he's back.  Or sometimes I'd take all my PTO.  I already earn less than he does.  Using the PTO was more relaxing, I'll admit.

Now that they are older (6/12) it's much easier.  Still, sometimes it truly sucks, like last night when the little one was in tears about everything, and they fought constantly!

skp

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #56 on: March 07, 2019, 01:54:52 PM »
Baby boomer here with 31 and 33 year old sons. I try to treat them like I was treated.
I grew up blue collar, my parents were frugal.  Birthday and Christmas I got something small and I got savings bonds for college.  I did get piano lessons and summer camps.  My grandparents bought my clothes.  I got a downpayment on a car after I graduated college, and had 1/2 of college paid for. My parents paid for our wedding reception.  My husband grew up blue collar, his dad was a good investor.  He was an only child and had 4 years at an expensive private college paid for.  He also didn't have a car. Bought his own after he graduated.  My ILs did all the childcare for me.  My mother did full time child care for my sister (location was the reason- ILs lived closer to me- husband , mom lived 10minutes away from sister).  My parents gifted my children bonds for birthdays and Christmas. They got one  gift for Christmas and birthdays. They did not buy my children any clothes (my MIL did) or pay for summer camp or piano lessons- we had to cover that ourselves.
I am trying  to treat my children similarly.  They grew up middle class. We live rural and there is not much here to live the life of the rich and famous. My AC did not have a car or cell phone until the oldest went to college.  They could use our car and I didn't think they needed a cell.  They had state school tuition room and board paid for.  They were responsible for books and  spend money.  They both shared a "hand me down car" when they went to college. They both had their wedding receptions paid for.  They are on my cell phone plan because it is cheaper that way- my husband still has his flip phone and we are grandfathered into a $10 a month cell plan.  I am not going to ruin a good thing just because someone in some article is going to label my AC "spoiled" because I do it.  I did give the youngest money for a down payment on a house. And I'll give the same amount to his brother if he ever settles down enough to want one.
My youngest is now expecting a baby and I am seriously contemplating helping them with childcare.  I don't live close enough to actually provide it, but I am still working part time for health benefits and don't really need the money.  I am FI.  I was thinking of either paying for the entire thing or just giving them a check every once in a while so that they don't totally rely on me to pay for it in case something comes up and I can't do it any more.  I had childcare covered.  I think I owe it to pay it foreward.  Adding I will also definitely open a 529 and deposit money for college as birthday/ Christmas gifts.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 02:00:54 PM by skp »

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #57 on: March 07, 2019, 03:01:37 PM »
They ask your parents to fly out to come babysit? That's kind of weird. I do remember spending time with my grandparents as a child when my parents went out of town. I think that is part of what families do, but they lived in the same town.

Oh dear, I guess I'm weird then. I don't mind flying out to visit and babysit so they can go on a vacation. They both work hard at very demanding jobs, I'm glad I can give them a break. Plus I love playing with my granddaughter. Fortunately my son in an only child so there's no sibling rivalry to worry about.

My parents are counting down the days until I decide my kids are old enough that they can fly out to my house to watch them, and I'll leave. (Or that I'll fly the kids to them, without me.)  As of right now, I refuse to do "Camp Grandma and Grandpa"

As a kid, I was dropped off with my grandparents when my parents went to Hawaii or Europe. It was a 4 hour car trip, not a plane ride though.

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #58 on: March 07, 2019, 05:48:27 PM »
They ask your parents to fly out to come babysit? That's kind of weird. I do remember spending time with my grandparents as a child when my parents went out of town. I think that is part of what families do, but they lived in the same town.

Oh dear, I guess I'm weird then. I don't mind flying out to visit and babysit so they can go on a vacation. They both work hard at very demanding jobs, I'm glad I can give them a break. Plus I love playing with my granddaughter. Fortunately my son in an only child so there's no sibling rivalry to worry about.

I don't think it's weird if it's what you want to do. I definitely have a small build up of resentment about it because when my oldest son was born, he had multiple health problems for his first 18 months of life....which were very stressful. And I didn't have one iota of help from my parents even though they knew we were hanging on by a thread. Sometimes now, my mom will say "I should have come down to help you".....but she didn't, and it does suck to see all the help my brother gets. I probably need some therapy! lol

I'm sorry about your son, that must have been exhausting (physically and emotionally). I can't blame you for being resentful under the circumstances. I would be too!

Parizade

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #59 on: March 07, 2019, 06:07:53 PM »
They ask your parents to fly out to come babysit? That's kind of weird. I do remember spending time with my grandparents as a child when my parents went out of town. I think that is part of what families do, but they lived in the same town.

Oh dear, I guess I'm weird then. I don't mind flying out to visit and babysit so they can go on a vacation. They both work hard at very demanding jobs, I'm glad I can give them a break. Plus I love playing with my granddaughter. Fortunately my son in an only child so there's no sibling rivalry to worry about.
Yes, I think this is going to vary a LOT on family dynamics.

We are on the opposite coast from our parents.  I used to fly my mom out annually to give her a break, a vacation.  She babysat my big kid so we could have a "date night" once or twice, but never for a weekend away or anything like that.  She wasn't in the kind of mental or physical state to do that. 

We now fly out MIL every year or two to see her grandkids.  We occasionally take her on a vacation with us, but have never asked to leave the kids with her so we could go away (so our big kid is almost 13 and we haven't had a kid free vacation in 13 years).  That's not our dynamic.  Even when we go visit, we rarely get a date night - because we go to see them, and they want to see US.  They don't want to babysit.  Once we went to visit family and we arranged to leave our big kid (who was 10, I think) an extra week.  He hung out with cousins and grandma for a week before spouse went out and retrieved him.  I think that was a very fun week for big kid and for everyone.

Some of all of our dynamic is that we were older parents.  Yeah, my MIL is pretty spry, but she watched her other grandchildren 1-3 days a week.  She's done her time.  She's 75 and my younger child is 6.  That's asking a lot.

My neighbor has the opposite dynamic.  Her mom will come out and babysit the 3 kids for a weekend or a week.  She'll do the same for the cousins who are a few hours south of here.  Grandma loves it, the kids love it too.

Neither one is wrong or right, it's just different.  If I got invited to go somewhere for a week with my spouse, no kids, what would I do?  I guess I wouldn't mind leaving them with a grandparent.  I'd never ask though.  I would also not ask a friend to watch them, nor would I be interested in paying a sitter.  So, we'd probably decline to go.

Exactly, I'm young enough and healthy enough and I can afford it so why not? I'm glad I can help them, and I'm glad they want to take romantic vacations together and have date nights. It's good to see my son so happy with his spouse. My granddaughter likes it because I let her play outside barefoot all day (shhh, don't tell Mom).

Parizade

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #60 on: March 07, 2019, 06:14:52 PM »
They ask your parents to fly out to come babysit? That's kind of weird. I do remember spending time with my grandparents as a child when my parents went out of town. I think that is part of what families do, but they lived in the same town.

Oh dear, I guess I'm weird then. I don't mind flying out to visit and babysit so they can go on a vacation. They both work hard at very demanding jobs, I'm glad I can give them a break. Plus I love playing with my granddaughter. Fortunately my son in an only child so there's no sibling rivalry to worry about.

My parents are counting down the days until I decide my kids are old enough that they can fly out to my house to watch them, and I'll leave. (Or that I'll fly the kids to them, without me.)  As of right now, I refuse to do "Camp Grandma and Grandpa"

As a kid, I was dropped off with my grandparents when my parents went to Hawaii or Europe. It was a 4 hour car trip, not a plane ride though.

That sounds like me, I look forward to their vacations so I can play grandma. I'm glad they trust me to be responsible (though I know it stresses DIL a bit).

calimom

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Re: Article: The New 30 Something (nyt) (Millennials get parental help)
« Reply #61 on: March 07, 2019, 09:51:07 PM »
The reference in the article to the show thirtysomething was interesting. My mother, an early Boomer and I, a late model Gen X-er, then an early teen, used to watch that show with religious fever way back when. Tuesday nights at 10, that's where we were, checking out the trials and tribulations of 1980s Philadelphia  yuppies. It was so far from the life we knew.

Fast forward a couple of decades my mother came for a visit in my thirtysomething widowhood. I'd bought a house which almost immediately went underwater in value. Plus there were some necessary emergency repairs. The small business I acquired used up a lot of my ready cash for the deposit and required monthly payments to the original owner. I was working like crazy and had no income. On top of which my toddler daughter was in an expensive preschool (the older kids had Montessori and the baby was going to have it too!) There were payments to the lawyer who was handling the legal guardianship of my teenage stepdaughter. My son wanted to join Little League so there were expenses for the uniform plus the fees involved. I was wrangling with the car insurance company over a payout for an uninsured motorist death benefit claim. You get the picture. My finances were in total disarray. At some point in our conversation/my tale of woe, I had to get up to...change a diaper? Referee a fight? Change the channel to Clifford the Big Red Dog? I came back to the dining room table and my mother had written a check out to me for $15,000 dollars. I didn't want to take it but I knew I had to.

A few years later when everything evened out, the house was behaving, youngest DD was in public kindergarten, the insurance came through, my business was up and running, I attempted to pay my mother back. She confided that she'd given similar amounts to my older sisters to fund one BIL's rehab, the other sister's tax troubles and didn't wish or need to be repaid. In her mind it would come out on the other end. I was to accept the gift in the spirit it was given. As others have said here, it was  a transfer of intergenerational wealth.

In regards to free childcare, my children's other grandmother has been free and easy with her gifts. My children are her only grandchildren. As opposed to my own mother who, between her and my stepfather who had between them 11. All it took for my MIL in a phone conversation about the stress I had about late summer work, camps ending, daycare break and the upcoming school year, was for her to board the next plane out to the west coast to jump in and help me out for a month. Which then became a yearly thing and to this day I gratefully accept. She's happy to do it! And not only that will do things like clean out the fridge, sort through outgrown clothing and kid stuff, and take the kids shopping for new school clothes and supplies. And pay for it. There's a part of me who thinks I need to be in charge of all the things all the time and another that says, just go for it.

I willingly pay for the oldest's cellphone and healthcare. As of this month, she's on her on, has landed a great job with benefits. I do know the younger two will need my help in the years to come. I have it , it's budgeted for and I'm happy to provide minimal comforts. Like my own mother I do believe in a bootstrappy way of bringing up children, but realistically understand that some assistance is needed.