Anxiety about my mom (wreckless) coming to visit me

[littleqt]

My SO (27, M) and I (24, F) are hosting my mother this weekend at our humble apartment. I have a conflict about this I'm trying to resolve. My ways are very frugal. I rarely eat out at restaurants. But this weekend is my mother's birthday. I was planning to treat us all to a restaurant meal, maybe two, for this occasion.

It actually is a special occasion because my mom rarely gets out; she lives in a homeless shelter funded by a Christian organization. She rarely leaves the premises. How did this happen? She was always provided for by my father or boyfriends who were upper middle class to affluent. She had moral conflicts, became single, sold her house, squandered the 100's of thousands of dollars from the house sale in a couple years, and then had to go to the shelter, where she's been about a year.

I can't stand her ways. She thinks she is all better because she is Christian now. However, the two times I have visited she asks me to buy her things like $30 mascaras, which I wouldn't even purchase myself. I thought that buying her a train ticket to come visit me and spend time as a family was good enough, but she has already made requests over the phone for me to give her some of my clothes, for me to take her out for coffee, and for us to go to Whole Foods for specialty sodas and fresh breads and donuts. I reminded her I'm trying to save money for my emergency fund, and she said it's okay because she can spend her own money. She has about $1500 total, that is her total value. She said also she may want to get her hair colored, which she could pay for too. I know she wasn't trying to make me feel pity, she really meant it. I could hardly believe my ears and have since been stressing out over how ludicrous it is someone living in a homeless shelter wants to get their hair done and needs Whole Foods when they have only $1500!

Should I take us out to a restaurant for dinner? Or is it a good idea we eat all our meals at home? Maybe that would help her see people can be happy not spending money. Any thoughts? I know this story may sound kind of strange and rambly, but it's really bothering me. I also don't have a problem with people being Christian, I simply worry about her because even though she has a stonger belief system now, she still sees nothing wrong with spending willy nilly.

TL;DR My mom lives in a homeless shelter now because she squandered her wealth. She is visiting me this weekend for her birthday and wants me to spend more money, even her own from a pool of only $1500 left. Should we spend no money this weekend?

[Zamboni]

Oy! This is a tough one.

I say make a big deal about wanting to make a homemade cake for her birthday and wanting to serve her breakfast in bed and wanting to cook her a special dinner. And then, if you can afford it, also take her out to eat at her favorite place one time over the weekend . . . her birthday only comes once a year, after all. Make sure it is her favorite place. Make it special.

It sounds like she's having a hard time with changes in her appearance as she ages (gathering this from the focus on hair color and make up.) She's also probably really struggling with facing a bleak uncertain future of not looking pretty enough to find another partner, no delicious food, etc. Yes, she is coping with at least outwardly expressing denial; lots of people cope that way. Yes, she is also coping with "I may be a poor person, but I am a good person" through the sudden zealous religion. A lot of people cope that way as well.

So, look beyond her behavior and try to have compassion for her. She is struggling and these are her ways of coping so she doesn't completely fall apart at the seams. Yes, it sounds like she has idiotically squandered the money she needed to live, but she will always be your mom.

[WildJager]

Every guest to my home gets a delicious home made meal and all the wine they could drink.  I also provide the opportunity for a free place to sleep if need be, plenty of friendly conversation, and board games.  If they want to stay longer, I have no qualms with cooking them all the food they want.  Cooking for a crowd is often easier than just for a couple.  I invite them to visit some of my favorite hiking spots, or hit up the town biking or exploring nice points of interest.

That's generally the extent of my hospitality. 

I don't cater to (in my mind) petty desires or wastes like eating out.  I enjoy cooking, so my opinion might be biased that my food is better than what I could get at most restaurants (well... some, haha).  But the point is, when did the virtue of hanging out with loved ones go from inviting people into the fold to lavishing them with catered out entertainment?  I'm often amazed at how impressed and happy people becoming having a jovial home cooked meal with interesting games to enjoy the evening together.  (For those who haven't tackled modern board games... check them out, there is actually an interesting slew of adult games out there.  Bang! is a crowd-pleaser.)  Most people don't even realize that we don't own a TV... it is essentially a non issue when basic human interaction takes its course.

Invite her to share your values.  If she rejects them... that's her loss frankly.  It's not your obligation, nor should it be your objective, to change yourself to fit her perception of what shared family time means.

[littleqt]

Thank you for your reply Zamboni. I understand she must see things so differently from me, so she would probably feel odd if we didn't eat out once.

Unfortunately though she has always had a fascination with looks; she was somewhat of a "trophy wife/gf." Psychotherapy is helping her a little so far. Her rekindled faith in God now is also helping her to see more in life than serving men.

It would be nice to feel more harmonious when we are together, but I think I have got to be very patient...

[littleqt]

Every guest to my home gets a delicious home made meal and all the wine they could drink.  I also provide the opportunity for a free place to sleep if need be, plenty of friendly conversation, and board games.

That sounds like such a delight! The board games is a good idea, didn't think of that one. Thank you :)

[okits]

What happens when the $1500 is gone?  Does the shelter provide all the basic essentials of life for her?  (And will they, indefinitely?) Can she get a job?  Does the government give her some kind of support?  If she's bad with money and being independent I'm wondering what her true prospects are for improving her life situation (could the final $1500 be a springboard to better things, or does squandering it not really matter because she's likely already in the life situation she's most able to sustain?)  If there's no real consequence to her spending the last of her money perhaps it doesn't need to be a point of worry or conflict for you.

I agree with Zamboni that she's probably struggling with denial and an inability to cope with her current situation.  She may be grasping at any kind of escapism or enjoyment that's within her reach.

You could tell her that your budget for her birthday celebration is $X and let her decide how she'd most enjoy spending it.  You could do frugal, at-home cake and dinner, then spend the money intended for restaurants at Whole Foods, on coffee, etc.  In advance you could find her some new-to-her thrift store clothes so she has new things to wear that were picked to suit her, not you.  These would be ways to "spoil" her a little without breaking the bank.

As far as making the visit special, tell her often that you're so glad to see her, that being together to celebrate her birthday is special, that it makes you happy just to talk to her, that you're so thankful to have her in your life.  Express to her that she, on her own, is special.  Just being with her.  She may be caught in a headspace where spending or treats signify "special", so she needs to hear that on her own, she is special enough. 

BTW, you're a good daughter.  She's lucky to have you.

[Zamboni]

okits nails it. She wants to feel special on her birthday and this is what she envisions as being special.

I really think your Mom is also making these comments about things to do (things that sound spendypants and crazy to you) because she just sincerely wants you all to have a good time together and this is her idea of a good time. Coffee talk, having some yummy bread at a fancy bakery, looking at/trying on clothes together, going to a make up party or the hair salon, these are probably the things she did with her favorite friends when she was younger. Remember, lipstick is a cheap luxury:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lipstick_index

Now she realizes she can't buy clothes anymore, so she wants to look at your clothes. I like okits thrift store idea (call it a consignment store to make it sound fancy?) OTOH, when was the last time you culled your wardrobe? Maybe she can help you with that? Whatever she doesn't want that you don't wear anymore you can take to charity and both feel good about it.

Or, if you have a minimalist wardrobe already or just don't want her pawing through your clothes, maybe you can go get one cup of coffee with her the first day, share coffee talk over it, and then buy a bag of whatever fancy coffee suits her to make and share at home for the rest of the trip? And then she can take what is left with her! You don't have to break the bank to do these things . . . just make sure there is an end to the spending in sight. As in "let's go get a cup of coffee together, and when we get back home we can visit more while I make the cake so that it has time to cool before frosting it."

I don't know how much hair dye costs, but it seems like Nice and Easy brand is under $10 and maybe you are up for helping her with that as well as a birthday treat? I personally would not be up for helping anyone with hair coloring, so don't make yourself crazy. Judging from the vast numbers of old ladies (and men!) I see sporting colored hair, though, she's by no mean alone or bizarre in wanting to do this.

Good luck!

[former player]

For a long time your mother's life seems to have been about looking pretty and getting a man to look after her.  At a guess I'd say that's probably the environment she grew up in, or at least the message she took from the environment she grew up in.  Then she finds that it's not working for her emotionally, and instead of turning to feminism, financial management and working her way out of it she turns to the church to deal with the emotional part of the problem any fails to find any solution to the financial part of the problem.   Which is a sticky position for her to be in, but if she hasn't seen the feminist light through the end of a marriage, a succession of boyfriends and homelessness she quite likely never will.

I'm with okits and Zamboni: give her a nice time on a budget for her birthday visit, but don't expect to be able to fix any of her problems - of which you are not one.

[sam]

Yes, in my opinion you shouldn’t worry and should treat your mum to the meal.

Perhaps give her the gift of a personal finance book to help her curb her spending and get her back on the right tracks.

Sounds like a bad combination of lifestyle creep and a sudden reduction in income.

Sam

[use2betrix]

That is a very sad situation, one that anyone not in it could truly understand.

This is, however, nearly the same dynamics of my father and my grandma and I see how they react.

Personally, I would treat her within reason. Maybe agree to a few certain things that you deem are reasonable. I do think this is a circumstance to go outside your standard lifestyle for a weekend.

The main importance is setting the boundaries from the beginning. You don't want her to start making this a weekend or even monthly reoccurrence which could prove difficult.

My dad visits his mom a couple times a year (they lived about 5 hrs apart) and would take them to eat and do a little reasonable shopping. He'd talk to her on the phone on Sunday's and send a reasonable amount of gifts for birthdays and Christmas. She has never been to our house. I think mostly due to poor health for traveling and my dad was concerned she would want to stay after seeing our comfortable middle class lifestyle my parents live.

It's hard for people with great parents to understand. If I think of my mom in that situation it's easy for me to think I'd do everything in the world to help her. I think of my grandma being in my moms place, and it'd be much more like how you are responding and how my dad does.

Sorry about your situation, that's a very tough one.

[Bucksandreds]

Your mom made you.  Don't blow your hard earned savings but buy her a coffee, buy her some fancy bread, take her out to dinner.  Make her feel special.  None of those things are going to negatively change your life.  The next part I'm going to say is optional but what I would do.  If my parents or SOs parents were in dire straits, I would make sure that I had an extra room for them to stay in.  It would allow me to positively influence their habits.  Now I would expect them not to have guests unless I say its ok, each time and I would expect them to be looking for work daily, or working, unless unable to.  Regardless of how you view the long term,  treat your mom on her special day.   

[rockstache]

I think for the duration on your visit, you need to remember that you cannot change her. Don't judge her either, no good can come of that. Through her example, you have built a different life for yourself with different principles, but that doesn't mean you need to openly criticize hers. Be loving, but firm as far as spending your own money (meaning only spend what you want/are prepared to). If she wants to spend her own money on things that seem crazy to you, then just keep in mind that she is an adult and not in your control. The visit won't last forever. Good luck!

[sleepyguy]

Very sad situation.  I'm not saying what is right or what is wrong... this is what I would do.

First... it's her b-day and she wants to feel "special" like most on that day.  I would take her out to dinner, maybe couple.  Cap her gifts to say $50-100 and be done with it.  Have that "financial" talk maybe a month from now.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot... let's say shes very well, no financial issues, staying for 2-3 days at your place... it's her b-day and she wants to eat out.  I assume it's a non-issue right?

So yeah, give her a bit of fun... have the serious talks a bit later.

[Dee18]

As others are suggesting, try to meet her goals in an MMM way:  feeling special, eating some favorite foods, looking pretty.  Maybe purchase a shirt for her on sale at TJ Maxx.  Offer to color her hair if that's what she wants.  Go for L'Oreal at 7.99  box.  It works great.  Whatever you decide, let her know ahead if possible.  My daughter came home from college this past week, a 6 day visit.  Over the Christmas holidays we ate out way too much.  A couple days before she came home this time I said, "pick your two favorite places to eat out and I'll plan our other meals around those...."  Your mother has mistakenly concluded that more expensive food, etc, is better.  MMM followers know that's not true.  The hardest part may be avoiding acting defensive.  Good luck!  Stressful family visits can be exhausting.

[littleqt]

For a long time your mother's life seems to have been about looking pretty and getting a man to look after her.  At a guess I'd say that's probably the environment she grew up in, or at least the message she took from the environment she grew up in.  Then she finds that it's not working for her emotionally, and instead of turning to feminism, financial management and working her way out of it she turns to the church to deal with the emotional part of the problem any fails to find any solution to the financial part of the problem.   Which is a sticky position for her to be in, but if she hasn't seen the feminist light through the end of a marriage, a succession of boyfriends and homelessness she quite likely never will.

Former Player, you have summed up her situation so perfectly. That is exactly why this whole shenanigans bothers me, and I worry about her, though there's not much I can do. It does seem taking her out for one treat would be nice and not too much, since she's not going to be changing her worldview this weekend.

[Venturing]

Also remember that your financial decisions are really none of her business. You don't have to justify to her that you aren't spending money because you are saving for an emergency fund. A simple but firm 'no' is the only response you have to give.

[littleqt]

What happens when the $1500 is gone?  Does the shelter provide all the basic essentials of life for her?  (And will they, indefinitely?) Can she get a job?  Does the government give her some kind of support?  If she's bad with money and being independent I'm wondering what her true prospects are for improving her life situation (could the final $1500 be a springboard to better things, or does squandering it not really matter because she's likely already in the life situation she's most able to sustain?) 

The shelter provides everything she needs, thank you to charities, local businesses, and people who donate. Fortunately the shelter has also set her up with a lawyer and psychiatrist. The $1500 is her own money that the lawyer found. It was discovered just the other week, not sure where it came from. I recommended she hold on to it for when she leaves the shelter, as emergency money. She doesn't need to spend it as the shelter provides everything she needs. Any additional small luxuries I can provide. I think she will be getting disability too when she leaves the shelter later this year. She will be able to leave when she gets a job. After that they will no longer provide assistance.

She is welcome to live with me if she can't sustain herself. Considering she blew through upwards of a million dollars in a few years, I wouldn't be surprised if it came down to this.

[galliver]

It's a little different but my younger sister visited me and my bf recently. Without too many details: she's a college grad as of last year, subsisting but underemployed, figuring out what she wants next; actually got a job in her field just after leaving us so don't bash on her she's a good kid. Just needed some time after all the stress&deadlines of college. :) Anyway, my sisters and I are close and I feel very maternal toward them; so I was really excited to have her here and to treat her to all the things we love about our area. In 5 days we went out for coffee twice, went out for dinner twice (once while visiting other sister at college 2 hrs away), but also made dinner and breakfast and went to a game night/potluck with friends and hung out at home. Oh, and I also gave her some of my clothes, haha. But I guess the key, to me, was that I wanted to do these things, knowing she would enjoy them, and proposed them rather than being asked. And knew I would receive gratitude for doing/providing them, rather than sullenness for not doing so.

Your mom has brought up a few things she wants to do, but it doesn't sound like one of them was dinner; maybe coffee and Whole Foods means more to her than a dinner out (personally, given the choice of how to hang out with mom/friend/sister, grabbing coffees and pastries and walking around on a Saturday morning, then shopping for ingredients and making something fancy at home sounds like more fun :) ). I don't know if it's better to ask or to assume (that's just a personality thing). I also like the idea of taking her shopping somewhere cheap (thrift or TJ Maxx/Ross/Marshalls) if you don't want to lose anything from your closet. Not sure how I would handle the hair request...offer to help do it at home, schedule things too tightly to leave time for it, or subtly refuse to cover it but let her spend her own money, since as mentioned she's an adult?

Good luck! I hope it's fun and not too much drama.

[Rosy]

My first thought was to find her a husband:) since she is not capable of living on her own - never mind the financial aspects. She needs to feel pretty and she needs to feel wanted and that is what she is hoping you will do for her this weekend. A new outfit and a new hairdo will go a long way toward making her feel better about herself, she needs that like you need to see the $ bills in your emergency account.

Make her day special - you can always find coupons or early bird specials, no need to even tell her that. A visit to the coffee shop after she got her hair done would be lovely - so she can be out and about showing off her new do:)
I'm sure for her leaving the shelter will feel like coming out of jail. Is it possible that she's asking about your clothes, because she is learning something about money management and it is her subtle attempt at being frugal? (at your expense, lol)
The whole foods, try to determine why she really wants to go there - Open air markets are so much more fun, maybe get something there and then do a little comparison shopping at whole foods. Let her put together a dinner from the ingredients there and then cook it together, or let her drink the wine while you cook:)
I'd even make it a point to take her to Aldi - just to pick up their organic fresh fruit at less than half what you pay at the pricey stores - she may need training wheels on how to shop:)

A $30 mascara is way out of line given her temporary circumstances, but you can take her to Sephora and get her make-up done for free - take her picture and I bet she'll be happy with their mascara too. Sometimes, it's just all we know and we haven't learned to get all we want at a better price - it is a skill she probably never acquired, because it was not necessary or worse, because it was frowned upon in her circles.
No need for sermons - just think of cool mother - daughter tips.

The point is for her and for you to enjoy her birthday weekend - it will be fine:)

 

[Gracie]

I know Dave Ramsey isnt the favorite around here, but his Total Money Makeover could probably help your Mom in her current situation. Financial Peace (the book) may also appeal due to all the spiritual references included.

If she were my Mom, i would have a copy ready to give with a "I'm following a similar plan and this may help you."

[BFGirl]

What happens when the $1500 is gone?  Does the shelter provide all the basic essentials of life for her?  (And will they, indefinitely?) Can she get a job?  Does the government give her some kind of support?  If she's bad with money and being independent I'm wondering what her true prospects are for improving her life situation (could the final $1500 be a springboard to better things, or does squandering it not really matter because she's likely already in the life situation she's most able to sustain?) 

The shelter provides everything she needs, thank you to charities, local businesses, and people who donate. Fortunately the shelter has also set her up with a lawyer and psychiatrist. The $1500 is her own money that the lawyer found. It was discovered just the other week, not sure where it came from. I recommended she hold on to it for when she leaves the shelter, as emergency money. She doesn't need to spend it as the shelter provides everything she needs. Any additional small luxuries I can provide. I think she will be getting disability too when she leaves the shelter later this year. She will be able to leave when she gets a job. After that they will no longer provide assistance.

She is welcome to live with me if she can't sustain herself. Considering she blew through upwards of a million dollars in a few years, I wouldn't be surprised if it came down to this.

Wow, from around a million to a shelter...that makes me so sad.  I hope that things turn around for her and that she is able to get back on her feet and be in a better place.  She is probably about my age.

[littleqt]

What happens when the $1500 is gone?  Does the shelter provide all the basic essentials of life for her?  (And will they, indefinitely?) Can she get a job?  Does the government give her some kind of support?  If she's bad with money and being independent I'm wondering what her true prospects are for improving her life situation (could the final $1500 be a springboard to better things, or does squandering it not really matter because she's likely already in the life situation she's most able to sustain?) 

The shelter provides everything she needs, thank you to charities, local businesses, and people who donate. Fortunately the shelter has also set her up with a lawyer and psychiatrist. The $1500 is her own money that the lawyer found. It was discovered just the other week, not sure where it came from. I recommended she hold on to it for when she leaves the shelter, as emergency money. She doesn't need to spend it as the shelter provides everything she needs. Any additional small luxuries I can provide. I think she will be getting disability too when she leaves the shelter later this year. She will be able to leave when she gets a job. After that they will no longer provide assistance.

She is welcome to live with me if she can't sustain herself. Considering she blew through upwards of a million dollars in a few years, I wouldn't be surprised if it came down to this.

Wow, from around a million to a shelter...that makes me so sad.  I hope that things turn around for her and that she is able to get back on her feet and be in a better place.  She is probably about my age.

Yes, unfortunately she never learned money management though. She had me at age 20 and was always a stay at home mom. She's been objectified most of her life, so she has a lot to still experience, and I hope she will be able to enjoy her new life. Thank you.

[okits]

Wow, okay.  At 44 she is not even a decade older than me.  She is really not too old to learn about money management, nor too old to start a new life (live independently, return to school, build a career, etc.) I hope she can get interested in these things and make a go of it.  Don't lose hope if progress is slow, it's definitely in the realm of possibility for her to turn it around (the therapy she's receiving will hopefully be a big help.)

[headachemustache]

Sorry for your distress about her situation. My sense is that you could coach her about money management/frugality until you're blue in the face, but it won't make much difference if she's so overwhelmed by loss/depression and unhealthy attempts to cope.  What stands out for me is your mention that the shelter has assigned her both an attorney and a psychiatrist.  I'm guessing that the latter is (hopefully) where she can get the help she most needs, as she might have deep-seated emotional issues and perhaps a full-fledged diagnosis that is driving her compulsive bottomless spending.  Psychiatrists tend to do more prescribing than therapy these days, therefore I wonder if a referral (from the psychiatrist) to a good therapist might be the ticket here, and you might consider advocating for this?  A therapist could help her to find some meaning in her life beyond the emptiness she seems to be desperately and impossibly trying to fill with all this spending.   Eventually, too, I imagine a job coach could help her to she see beyond where she is presently, and to help her to find opportunities in light of any disabilities she has.  The shelter or the doctor/therapist may be able to connect her with more services - I'd bet she's eligible.  If she's open to it, you might be able to even touch base with her doctor/psychiatrist, and share your concerns directly with her support network, too.

I hope that you can enjoy her visit and offer hospitality within YOUR means and comfort zone.  And I'm hoping that there will be the opportunity for you to express the evident care and compassion you have for her and find a way to encourage her to avail of the help that is being offered at the shelter, specifically around her emotional/mental health.  She may be in a lot of denial about her situation and/or may not have much hope for herself, but it will help her to know that you do have hope for her.

[J Boogie]

Not sure what style of Christianity she has taken to, but many of Christ's teachings (such as good stewardship) and Christian tradition mention the obligation to live in solidarity with the poor.  If you are Christian yourself, you can emphasize these aspects of the faith.  If you're not, this obviously won't be a helpful approach.

It's a shame that certain types of Christianity can distract from moral obligations.

I wish you the best, it sounds like a very difficult situation.





 

[Dicey]

My SO (27, M) and I (24, F) are hosting my mother this weekend at our humble apartment. I have a conflict about this I'm trying to resolve. My ways are very frugal. I rarely eat out at restaurants. But this weekend is my mother's birthday. I was planning to treat us all to a restaurant meal, maybe two, for this occasion.

It actually is a special occasion because my mom rarely gets out; she lives in a homeless shelter funded by a Christian organization. She rarely leaves the premises. How did this happen? She was always provided for by my father or boyfriends who were upper middle class to affluent. She had moral conflicts, became single, sold her house, squandered the 100's of thousands of dollars from the house sale in a couple years, and then had to go to the shelter, where she's been about a year.

I can't stand her ways. She thinks she is all better because she is Christian now. However, the two times I have visited she asks me to buy her things like $30 mascaras, which I wouldn't even purchase myself. I thought that buying her a train ticket to come visit me and spend time as a family was good enough, but she has already made requests over the phone for me to give her some of my clothes, for me to take her out for coffee, and for us to go to Whole Foods for specialty sodas and fresh breads and donuts. I reminded her I'm trying to save money for my emergency fund, and she said it's okay because she can spend her own money. She has about $1500 total, that is her total value. She said also she may want to get her hair colored, which she could pay for too. I know she wasn't trying to make me feel pity, she really meant it. I could hardly believe my ears and have since been stressing out over how ludicrous it is someone living in a homeless shelter wants to get their hair done and needs Whole Foods when they have only $1500!

Should I take us out to a restaurant for dinner? Or is it a good idea we eat all our meals at home? Maybe that would help her see people can be happy not spending money. Any thoughts? I know this story may sound kind of strange and rambly, but it's really bothering me. I also don't have a problem with people being Christian, I simply worry about her because even though she has a stonger belief system now, she still sees nothing wrong with spending willy nilly.

TL;DR My mom lives in a homeless shelter now because she squandered her wealth. She is visiting me this weekend for her birthday and wants me to spend more money, even her own from a pool of only $1500 left. Should we spend no money this weekend?

Well, for a moment I considered going all GN on you for that headline, but I guess you could say her life has been a train wreck, so I'll zip it. However this is my stern advice and I hope you will heed it. Sorry, I'm going to shout it, so if you're sensitive, cover whatever you need to.

SHE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE! A WEEKEND WITH YOU WILL DO NOTHING TO MODIFY HER HABITS. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER/MIL, LET HER DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WORKS FOR HER. YOUR WEEKEND WILL BE MORE PLEASANT ALL AROUND IF YOU REMEMBER THIS EVERY MOMENT SHE IS THERE.

As they sing endlessly in that horrible mouse factory movie (Free at the library including popcorn and I could.not.sit.through.it.), LET IT GO!!!!!
(End of shouting. Sorry, I couldn't help it.)

[littleqt]

Psychiatrists tend to do more prescribing than therapy these days, therefore I wonder if a referral (from the psychiatrist) to a good therapist might be the ticket here, and you might consider advocating for this?

Oh yes, I forgot that she actually has a psychotherapist now! She has done some treatments to resolve issues with her parents. Now she is going to begin exploring what are her values. The shelter has a lot of support for her. Thank you.

[littleqt]

My SO (27, M) and I (24, F) are hosting my mother this weekend at our humble apartment. I have a conflict about this I'm trying to resolve. My ways are very frugal. I rarely eat out at restaurants. But this weekend is my mother's birthday. I was planning to treat us all to a restaurant meal, maybe two, for this occasion.

It actually is a special occasion because my mom rarely gets out; she lives in a homeless shelter funded by a Christian organization. She rarely leaves the premises. How did this happen? She was always provided for by my father or boyfriends who were upper middle class to affluent. She had moral conflicts, became single, sold her house, squandered the 100's of thousands of dollars from the house sale in a couple years, and then had to go to the shelter, where she's been about a year.

I can't stand her ways. She thinks she is all better because she is Christian now. However, the two times I have visited she asks me to buy her things like $30 mascaras, which I wouldn't even purchase myself. I thought that buying her a train ticket to come visit me and spend time as a family was good enough, but she has already made requests over the phone for me to give her some of my clothes, for me to take her out for coffee, and for us to go to Whole Foods for specialty sodas and fresh breads and donuts. I reminded her I'm trying to save money for my emergency fund, and she said it's okay because she can spend her own money. She has about $1500 total, that is her total value. She said also she may want to get her hair colored, which she could pay for too. I know she wasn't trying to make me feel pity, she really meant it. I could hardly believe my ears and have since been stressing out over how ludicrous it is someone living in a homeless shelter wants to get their hair done and needs Whole Foods when they have only $1500!

Should I take us out to a restaurant for dinner? Or is it a good idea we eat all our meals at home? Maybe that would help her see people can be happy not spending money. Any thoughts? I know this story may sound kind of strange and rambly, but it's really bothering me. I also don't have a problem with people being Christian, I simply worry about her because even though she has a stonger belief system now, she still sees nothing wrong with spending willy nilly.

TL;DR My mom lives in a homeless shelter now because she squandered her wealth. She is visiting me this weekend for her birthday and wants me to spend more money, even her own from a pool of only $1500 left. Should we spend no money this weekend?

Well, for a moment I considered going all GN on you for that headline, but I guess you could say her life has been a train wreck, so I'll zip it. However this is my stern advice and I hope you will heed it. Sorry, I'm going to shout it, so if you're sensitive, cover whatever you need to.

SHE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE! A WEEKEND WITH YOU WILL DO NOTHING TO MODIFY HER HABITS. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER/MIL, LET HER DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WORKS FOR HER. YOUR WEEKEND WILL BE MORE PLEASANT ALL AROUND IF YOU REMEMBER THIS EVERY MOMENT SHE IS THERE.

As they sing endlessly in that horrible mouse factory movie (Free at the library including popcorn and I could.not.sit.through.it.), LET IT GO!!!!!
(End of shouting. Sorry, I couldn't help it.)

I don't expect her to change in a weekend, or perhaps ever. I don't like to control people, but was just wondering if we should go out to eat or not because of the unusual situation. Thankfully because of the replies I have a much better objective and peace of mind now.

[rubybeth]

Littleqt, I feel for you. My MIL is also lives in relative poverty while being mentally/physically disabled, and it's emotionally draining. I think you should treat your mom to some little extravagances, and don't do anything to make her feel guilty about it, or feel badly about it yourself, either. One of the best things that DH and I do with his mom is to take her with us to do things--museums, dinner out, etc.

It's the quality time more than the food, but of course, she doesn't get to eat out a lot on a fixed income. To us, a meal out is a very small percentage of our income/income potential, while for her, spending $50 on a nice meal is the income percentage equivalent of us spending nearly $1,000 on something we don't need. I wouldn't let your mom spend any of her $1,500.

I also like the idea of introducing her to Dave Ramsey. That's what got DH and I started on this financial journey, and he speaks to those who have been through a lot. With the $1,500, she's already completed Baby Step 1!

[DollarBill]

Genuine question here for everyone that offered advice:

Would you have given the same advice if it was her Dad?

@littleqt...Could we get an update on how the weekend played out?

[DollarBill]

Genuine question here for everyone that offered advice:

Would you have given the same advice if it was her Dad?

@littleqt...Could we get an update on how the weekend played out?

Anyone??

[headachemustache]

Genuine question here for everyone that offered advice:

Would you have given the same advice if it was her Dad?

Anyone??

Yes!

[DollarBill]

Genuine question here for everyone that offered advice:

Would you have given the same advice if it was her Dad?

Anyone??

Yes!

Is that a yes...it would be the same? You would also like to hear a reply?

[headachemustache]

Yes, advice would be the same, and yes, it would be great to get an update from the OP.

[DollarBill]

Yes, advice would be the same, and yes, it would be great to get an update from the OP.

Thanks...I thought you had some solid advice to share. I'm probably looking to hear from some of the others that were leaning more toward "Just make her feel special because she's your Mom". This post has been really thought provoking for me. Mostly about how we all treat people differently...especially when it comes to different genders.

[clarkfan1979]

Her wanting to spend a lot of money on appearances isn't totally irrational. That would help her increase her chances of finding another partner. If you ask her to cut this out of her budget she will most likely fight you. You have to let her spend money on what she thinks is important, regardless of what you think. I would buy her one dinner at a restaurant and all the meals at home. I wouldn't buy her anything else. If you do, expect to get similar requests in the future.

[bogart]

I haven't read all the comments, though I did read the OP's post and replies to subsequent comments.

The one thing I have to say that may be a useful addition to things already said (or maybe somebody already already said it :) !) is that this is just a weekend and it doesn't sounds like one that's likely to lead either to your (the OP's) financial ruin or to your mom's "salvation" (no religious implications intended, though certainly not excluded).  She's moving in a better direction, maybe, than she was (sounds like it to me, but I'm not a fan of the dependent partner role -- but even if one were, she wasn't in a successful version of that right now, so becoming more independent, even if not 100% so, is an improvement), and you can afford to treat her to some things that aren't wild extravagances and that she may once have been able to take for granted but can't anymore.  On her birthday.  I'd try to keep those things in mind as the weekend unfolds and not sweat the small(ish) variations from what a better version of the weekend (from your perspective) would look like.

I wish your mom luck. 

[Kris]

Genuine question here for everyone that offered advice:

Would you have given the same advice if it was her Dad?

@littleqt...Could we get an update on how the weekend played out?

DollarBill, in what way are you sensing that advice would be different if it were her dad?

[MrsPete]

I know the weekend's gone, but here's what I think I'd do in this tricky situation:  If I'd already decided I was going to treat her to two meals out and one present, I'd give her two meals out and one present.  That decision wasn't reached without some thought.  I'd stick to it.

Did I read correctly that mom is only 44?  Somehow I was picturing her much older, someone who had no choices left.  She's absolutely young enough to turn herself around and improve her life!  Thing is, SHE has to want it AND realize that the first step requires sacrifice.