AntimustacheVille, (suburbs Vancouver Canada) isolating cuz nobody has time

[Matte]

I’m trying to make this not whiney but I need to to vent/ask for advice.  Have any of you factored in demographics to your move?  Or moved somewhere because it suited yours and your kids lifestyles better?  We live in a higher income suburb (maple ridge) that is mostly debt swamped 2 income families.  Socially it seems like the only friends we can actually see are when they are between jobs or when the kids were under1 and the other moms were on leave.  After that it seems everybody is so busy trying to keep the lights on (and car payments up) between both working and daycare it just feels like nobody has time, being on the mustachian bandwagon since about 2013 we have no payments, wife stays at home and I have 4 months of parental leave.  How do you find friends with time? Move to richer or more humble communities?

[Goldielocks]

Hi Matt,  I am in North Delta and there are a lot of single income families here, or one parent is part time, or they take in foreign student borders or foster kids, that sort of thing.

So I would say that it is out there.   Friends say Vancouver and West Vancouver are hard because so many houses are empty or no kids at all.  North Vancouver also has a lot of single income families (that hang out doing rich people things).  It drives my friend (also FIRED, with a SO and two teens), nuts.   She met people by joining a running club / trail running club.

Meeting other parents through the school's parent association or sports club at the school is a good way to go.  The people that volunteer tend to be part time or have time to socialize.  Maple ridge and coquitlam both have a lot of families, so you should be ok... just get out there and join something  / volunteer at something regularly.   My cousin's wife (SAHM) meets people through the kids' gymnastics and gymboree type things.  Tot play time at the rec centre can work, too, but you need to approach other people.  At least in Maple ridge it won't be all nannies and no parents when you are there.

Try meetups..  Vancouver area seems to have an active meetup community for a wide range of clubs.  Every meetup I have ever posted has been well attended, and I am very random with it.

Good luck.

[Freedomin5]

Volunteer. People who have time to volunteer have time. And because you’re all working towards a common cause, it likely means you have similar interests and values which increases the chances of a friendship forming.

Or join an interest group. Or join several interest groups. We also make friends through church and all the church-associated activities.

[raincoast]

I live in downtown Vancouver - I don't have kids but when I moved here a few years ago I had trouble meeting people. This was my first time moving to a new city for something other than school.

I found that the way to meet people here is through activities. I'm in a run club, a writing group, and a community choir. There are young parents in each of them, although most are either child-free or have children who have grown up. When I lived in Ottawa I was in an adult recreational sports league.

I'm sure these activities, or something like them, exist in Maple Ridge, but you are probably also right that people in Maple Ridge don't have much time. They are probably all commuting 1 hour + each way in traffic, after working a minimum 8 hour day. That doesn't leave much time for anything else. Downtown, people have much shorter commutes, and everyone wants to get out of their cramped apartments.

[Metalcat]

Yeah, sure, you can absolutely move if you aren't happy where you are. It doesn't sound like anything is forcing you to stay there.

Otherwise, be creative.
I'm friends with A LOT of overworked parents who have no time. I make sure that they know that I'm available for last minute things, that their house can be a mess and I don't care, that I'll come over and cook for them on a weeknight if that's what would help them, and I've even just accompanied some of them to the grocery store to help them wrangle their kids while we shop together. I'll often volunteer to do a meal plan for them of easy, low cost meals.

My sister is doing an intensive degree while working full time, so she's crazy busy. I have her over while I batch cook, she chops a few things and does some dishes, but mostly just vents about her work and asks advice on her projects, then we go for a quick swim in the pool, and I send her home with lunches for the week.

Low cost, easy, healthy meals are my passion, which is why my suggestions revolve around food, but you can extrapolate that to whatever works for you. If you want to be involved in the lives of very busy people, then find out the pockets of their lives where you can fit. People usually desperately want friends in their busy lives, but don't have the energy for traditional adult socializing with all of it's pressures and bullshit.

You can also add more seniors to your roster of friends. My favourite daytime hang out buddy is 67 and lives a few blocks away. She's got way more energy than I do though, so I often have to get her to scale back whatever plans she wants to get up to.

DH and I are also friends with some really young people, the kind whose socializing has virtually no expectations, is often last minute, and who rarely say no to "hey, want to go to a free krav maga class?" on a week night.

As someone already mentioned, volunteering is great for kind of forcing friendships, lol. I've been on the same volunteer exec team for 3 years, and despite not overly liking each other at the beginning, we're now all pretty *ride or die* for each other. It's like a family, we drive each other nuts, but the loyalty is very real. I also see them all the god damn time. They're all overworked and have no time, and yet we spend a lot of quality time together and have a lot of fun.

No matter what, you are going to have to swim against the current somehow if you don't want to live the same life as everyone else in your cohort. That may involve moving, it may not. Figure out what life you want to be living, and make changes accordingly.

However, unless you move into a frat house or a retirement community, I think it's going to require creative and active solutions for you to get around the "everyone is too busy" challenge no matter where you live.

[bbates728]

I'm friends with A LOT of overworked parents who have no time. I make sure that they know that I'm available for last minute things, that their house can be a mess and I don't care, that I'll come over and cook for them on a weeknight if that's what would help them, and I've even just accompanied some of them to the grocery store to help them wrangle their kids while we shop together. I'll often volunteer to do a meal plan for them of easy, low cost meals.

My sister is doing an intensive degree while working full time, so she's crazy busy. I have her over while I batch cook, she chops a few things and does some dishes, but mostly just vents about her work and asks advice on her projects, then we go for a quick swim in the pool, and I send her home with lunches for the week.

Low cost, easy, healthy meals are my passion, which is why my suggestions revolve around food, but you can extrapolate that to whatever works for you. If you want to be involved in the lives of very busy people, then find out the pockets of their lives where you can fit. People usually desperately want friends in their busy lives, but don't have the energy for traditional adult socializing with all of it's pressures and bullshit.

Dammit Malkynn, that is perfect. I am definitely stealing the idea of meal prepping with other people. Hell, I may not even wait until I am FIREd to start.

The elegant simplicity of doing mundane tasks to save money is great and will foster discussions surrounding being financially disciplined. This all sounds very hygge and cozy!

[Metalcat]

I'm friends with A LOT of overworked parents who have no time. I make sure that they know that I'm available for last minute things, that their house can be a mess and I don't care, that I'll come over and cook for them on a weeknight if that's what would help them, and I've even just accompanied some of them to the grocery store to help them wrangle their kids while we shop together. I'll often volunteer to do a meal plan for them of easy, low cost meals.

My sister is doing an intensive degree while working full time, so she's crazy busy. I have her over while I batch cook, she chops a few things and does some dishes, but mostly just vents about her work and asks advice on her projects, then we go for a quick swim in the pool, and I send her home with lunches for the week.

Low cost, easy, healthy meals are my passion, which is why my suggestions revolve around food, but you can extrapolate that to whatever works for you. If you want to be involved in the lives of very busy people, then find out the pockets of their lives where you can fit. People usually desperately want friends in their busy lives, but don't have the energy for traditional adult socializing with all of it's pressures and bullshit.

Dammit Malkynn, that is perfect. I am definitely stealing the idea of meal prepping with other people. Hell, I may not even wait until I am FIREd to start.

The elegant simplicity of doing mundane tasks to save money is great and will foster discussions surrounding being financially disciplined. This all sounds very hygge and cozy!

Well, that's really what life is.
The reason no one really wants to carve out time to go out for a dinner or whatever grown ups do, is that it's not really part of day to day life, so it's hard to work it in as a regular routine.

I think a lot of people are lonely because they've forgotten how to have develop bonds with people within the routines of day to day life.

It's takes awhile for the people in my life to really come around to the weirdness of me inviting myself along to their boring chores, or accepting that I would rather come over and do their dishes and chat with them than not see them because they have dishes to do.

When I visit one of my dearest friends in another city, the vast majority of the time I end up hanging out with her in-laws, helping with bath time, or convincing her toddler to eat his dinner. If I depended on her having the time and energy to go out for a meal with me, I would see her once every few years. Instead, I see her every time I'm in town, no matter what because seeing her is a priority.

Please note, I'm NOT someone who loves kids. So these are not activities I would ever choose on my own.

People aren't used to really genuinely being someone else's priority and it takes a bit for them to adjust to it and trust it, but once they do, that's when it's so much easier and more fun to be friends. 

[Zikoris]

Well, for starters, get on Facebook and join the ChooseFI Vancouver group, because we have a HUGE local FIRE community that encompasses all the suburbs, probably including a lot of people in Maple Ridge. I will admit we don't do big meetups out there because those of us who organize them mostly live in Vancouver and Burnaby, but hey, I'm sure you didn't move to the sticks with the intention of never driving anywhere, lol.

[Wrenchturner]

I'm friends with A LOT of overworked parents who have no time. I make sure that they know that I'm available for last minute things, that their house can be a mess and I don't care, that I'll come over and cook for them on a weeknight if that's what would help them, and I've even just accompanied some of them to the grocery store to help them wrangle their kids while we shop together. I'll often volunteer to do a meal plan for them of easy, low cost meals.

My sister is doing an intensive degree while working full time, so she's crazy busy. I have her over while I batch cook, she chops a few things and does some dishes, but mostly just vents about her work and asks advice on her projects, then we go for a quick swim in the pool, and I send her home with lunches for the week.

Low cost, easy, healthy meals are my passion, which is why my suggestions revolve around food, but you can extrapolate that to whatever works for you. If you want to be involved in the lives of very busy people, then find out the pockets of their lives where you can fit. People usually desperately want friends in their busy lives, but don't have the energy for traditional adult socializing with all of it's pressures and bullshit.

Dammit Malkynn, that is perfect. I am definitely stealing the idea of meal prepping with other people. Hell, I may not even wait until I am FIREd to start.

The elegant simplicity of doing mundane tasks to save money is great and will foster discussions surrounding being financially disciplined. This all sounds very hygge and cozy!

Well, that's really what life is.
The reason no one really wants to carve out time to go out for a dinner or whatever grown ups do, is that it's not really part of day to day life, so it's hard to work it in as a regular routine.

I think a lot of people are lonely because they've forgotten how to have develop bonds with people within the routines of day to day life.

It's takes awhile for the people in my life to really come around to the weirdness of me inviting myself along to their boring chores, or accepting that I would rather come over and do their dishes and chat with them than not see them because they have dishes to do.

When I visit one of my dearest friends in another city, the vast majority of the time I end up hanging out with her in-laws, helping with bath time, or convincing her toddler to eat his dinner. If I depended on her having the time and energy to go out for a meal with me, I would see her once every few years. Instead, I see her every time I'm in town, no matter what because seeing her is a priority.

Please note, I'm NOT someone who loves kids. So these are not activities I would ever choose on my own.

People aren't used to really genuinely being someone else's priority and it takes a bit for them to adjust to it and trust it, but once they do, that's when it's so much easier and more fun to be friends.

This is a very ancient type of bonding and I think it's a great idea!  One of the tragedies of the modern nuclear family.

[damyst]

Have any of you factored in demographics to your move?  Or moved somewhere because it suited yours and your kids lifestyles better?

Yes, we moved to Vancouver because it suits our lifestyle so incredibly well.
Super easy car-free commutes, stunning parks and beaches a few minutes walk from home, plentiful amenities and free activities.
I can't think of a better reason to move house, honestly.

There are obviously plenty of like-minded people around, but even so it's hard to find them without being deliberate about the search (i.e. participating in common-interest groups, as others have suggested).

In my experience, physical proximity to friends does help a lot with arranging meetups. We used to live in a place that was an hour's drive away from our longtime friends. Visits were very rare, and we gradually drifted apart. Now, we can meet friends for coffee and run errands in the same outing and be back home in under two hours.