Am I having a mid-life crisis or too stressed/burning wick at both ends

[Bearblastbeats]

I probably complain too much on this forum to begin with but I feel like I am struggling more so lately than I have in the past, and not really financially but just overwhelmed/stressed/doubtful/insecure. or maybe I'm just going crazy.

Within the past 2 months I:

-Left a job of 4 years I was comfortable at.
-Totaled my car the week between quitting and starting a new job.
-Bought a newish car in cash, though its not a car I 'wanted'.
-Started to realize I have a baby arriving in February.
-Started the purchasing process of buying a house.

I started the new job 5 weeks ago as a PM and have been doubting my choice ever since. I felt like a king there because I was one of 6 in my department and was competent to perform my job, made a few wins and everyone knew and respected me. I decided to leave because I was feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out with the workload and sales staff that I would get headaches 3 times a week. I also found that I was being substantially underpaid for the amount of work I doing, according to glassdoor. My title was project engineer but I was performing work as a drafter/designer, scheduler, estimator, engineer, and project manager. So I became a little resentful and found a job who would pay me close to the glassdoor worth estimator with the actual title of Project Manager. The new job is in the telecommunications industry and I know nothing much of it. They hired me because of my PM ability and construction background but I don't know if I want this sort of responsibility any longer.

I've never been so unsure of myself and I don't know if its because I going to be a father and I'm scared, or because I am still adjusting to my new job, or that I am buying a house and trying to figure out how I am going to pay for it.

I honestly feel that if I didn't have a baby on the way and in the midst of purchasing a new house, I would probably quit and do a menial job to cover expenses, not buy the house,  and not have to deal with demands of life. I recently watched the movie "Without a Trace" and felt compelled to go live in a cabin in the woods.

It just seems like a lot.

[eljefe-speaks]

It is a lot and IMHO I think anyone would be stressed in your situation. Speaking for myself, I would be enormously stressed by any single item in your list, let alone all combined. I bought a new motorcycle 2 weeks ago. It definitely IS the one I wanted. I CAN afford it. (Yes, of course, it will delay my time to FIRE.) The stress of having bought it has been nagging me every day and is just now beginning to subside a tad.

Edited to fix a factual error in the above and to add: the good news is that is appears all these stressful situations will be resolved simply by waiting them out. :)

[Bearblastbeats]

It is a lot and IMHO I think anyone would be stressed in your situation. Speaking for myself, I would be enormously stressed by any single item in your list, let alone all combined. I bought a new motorcycle 2 weeks ago. It definitely IS the one I wanted. I CAN afford it. (Yes, of course, it will delay my time to FIRE.) The stress of having bought it has been nagging me every day and is just now beginning to subside a tad.

Edited to fix a factual error in the above and to add: the good news is that is appears all these stressful situations will be resolved simply by waiting them out. :)

Hopefully so. I feel like breaking down some days.

[kei te pai]

Why are you buying the house now, if you are still working out how to pay for it? Is it because you think you have to because there is a baby on the way?
If at all possible I suggest putting this on hold for a year or two. Take one step at a time. Give new job the best efforts in the next 3 months.
Stash some cash. Plan how much leave you will be able to take when baby comes. Talk to your wife about how you are feeling. Maybe see a counsellor if the feelings persist.
Acknowledging your own personality and having realistic self expectations will help.

[Bearblastbeats]

Why are you buying the house now, if you are still working out how to pay for it? Is it because you think you have to because there is a baby on the way?
If at all possible I suggest putting this on hold for a year or two. Take one step at a time. Give new job the best efforts in the next 3 months.
Stash some cash. Plan how much leave you will be able to take when baby comes. Talk to your wife about how you are feeling. Maybe see a counsellor if the feelings persist.
Acknowledging your own personality and having realistic self expectations will help.

I think it may be too late to back out of the housing situation since I have put a deposit down, paid the inspector and appraiser, and having closing scheduled for dec 14th. I won't have a problem paying for the house now since I don't have any other debt aside from student loans (~$7k @ 5% remaining). I'm only figuring on 'working out paying' if I decide to do a drastic career change like demoting to a CAD operator or something.

[yodella]

I am sorry to hear the stress is getting you down. I think in your situation, with so many life changes at once, it's very understandable/normal to be feeling overwhelmed.

In my experience, the first few months at any new job are always a tough adjustment. It's always really hard for me to go from a place where I'm comfortable, know the ins and outs, know lots of people, have inside jokes, etc., to a totally new environment where I'm the "new kid" and have to start building from scratch again.

It's tough, but it's normal, and if you can give yourself some more time to make new work friends and just generally get your feet under you, you'll probably feel a lot better. I think it's one of those situations where the solution is just time.

I totally understand the impulse to run for the door, but that generally just brings a different set of problems - namely, you'll have to get a new job at some point, and go through all this again.

[Blueberries]

As everyone else said, it is a lot and that's why it feels like a lot.  I'm fond of therapy; I think everyone can benefit from it.  I would find a therapist that can help you work through the different stressors in your life. 

[soccerluvof4]

While its a lot there are plenty that are going through worse. Just know you will get through it and find ways to relax. Meditate, do yoga but catch your breathe and before you know it you will have a whole bunch of other stresses in your life. Learning how to deal and avoid ones you can control will take you far. Good luck! sure you'll be fine.

[mm1970]

Uhhh not a mid life crisis.
Too many changes at once.

You basically managed to roll up ALL the big stressors at once.  Wait, did anyone die?  You might be missing that.

New jobs are incredibly stressful
Babies?  ah ha ah
Car wreck
House

I mean, seriously

Cut yourself some slack.  Try and find ways to relax (meditate, walk, read, relax with a cup of tea, get lots of sleep.) 

But remember it's also a marathon not a sprint.  It could take months until you are comfortable at work.  You will prob be a zombie with the baby for at least 6 months.  And moving???

[Dee18]

Stress upon stress.  Your post brought back memories....years ago I had just moved to a new city and new job when I received notice that my long awaited adoption of a baby was happening ...in a week.  On the way to buy baby items I almost caused a really terrible wreck.  To this day I thank the other driver for managing to avoid the accident.

First...double check your facts.  Are you locked into the house?  It’s still 6 weeks away.  If you can get out of that, do.  A house is a lot of work and you are going to want to give your attention to your wife, baby, and new job.  You clearly left your old job for a valid reason, the headaches, but the fact you are feeling so stressed now suggests it might be good to talk with a professional about how to handle your feelings of stress.  Many people on MMM seem to have found meditation helpful, others counseling, and others more outdoor/ exercise time. Change is stressful, even when it’s from wonderful things like new babies and job opportunities.

[ysette9]

@bearblastbeats: we aren’t quite twins but at least close cousins. I switched jobs and roles and companies and industries about two months back. I also am now in a PM position whereas previously I always had “engineer” in my job title somewhere. It has been stressful and I have been wracked with insecurity. Look up Imposter Syndrome if you aren’t familiar with it already. It describes me very well and possibly you too. Just having an awareness of it has been helpful in managing my doubts.

In the past year to year-and-a-half we have: bought a house and moved, had a baby (preemie in the NICU), remodeled the house,  and I switched jobs. My grandmother died about a year ago. My husband’s job is almost two years old so that is old hat now. Oh yeah, our daycare closed unexpectedly on short notice so we scrambled like mad to find temporary childcare before lining something up. I think the stress of everything led to two rounds of pink eye and three ear infections for me over the course of month.

The good news is that this stuff all gets better just with letting some time pass, as someone else said.

Congrats on the upcoming baby! You are welcome to come over to the pregnancy & baby chat in the journals section if you like. There are great people there in a really supportive environment.

[MDfive21]

i'm 45.  i've come to understand mid-life crisis as:  that feeling when you realize that there is more to life than chasing the job/wife/stuff but now you're too deep into a certain career/family path to slow down.  you are compelled to keep at it despite your desperate need to slow down and take a little time off.

your life was always full of stress, but now you have experience and perspective that makes what you're doing much less palatable.  now you know that jobs, even good ones, can be stressful shitshows.  now you know that buying a house and having a kid aren't just #lifegoals, they are huge ongoing responsibilities.  it makes your youthful ideas of adulthood seem quaint in comparison to the real thing.

there are a hundred things i'd rather be doing right now, but for now i'm stuck.  it's depressing.  but i can't quit and work a goat farm because i have responsibilities. 

not sure if i'm helping but thanks for letting me vent!  hang in there.  you're not alone in this.

[mm1970]

@Bearblastbeats: we aren’t quite twins but at least close cousins. I switched jobs and roles and companies and industries about two months back. I also am now in a PM position whereas previously I always had “engineer” in my job title somewhere. It has been stressful and I have been wracked with insecurity. Look up Imposter Syndrome if you aren’t familiar with it already. It describes me very well and possibly you too. Just having an awareness of it has been helpful in managing my doubts.

In the past year to year-and-a-half we have: bought a house and moved, had a baby (preemie in the NICU), remodeled the house,  and I switched jobs. My grandmother died about a year ago. My husband’s job is almost two years old so that is old hat now. Oh yeah, our daycare closed unexpectedly on short notice so we scrambled like mad to find temporary childcare before lining something up. I think the stress of everything led to two rounds of pink eye and three ear infections for me over the course of month.

The good news is that this stuff all gets better just with letting some time pass, as someone else said.

Congrats on the upcoming baby! You are welcome to come over to the pregnancy & baby chat in the journals section if you like. There are great people there in a really supportive environment.

The switch from engineer to PM is BRUTAL.

It took 6 months before I felt like I had any clue what I was doing.  It's been 10 now and maybe I'm half way there.

[ysette9]

I’ve found myself contemplating more and more how now that I am older than I was, the world is no longer my oyster of endless possibilities. Certain possibilities have closed on me just because I am in my late 30s now rather than 18. That is a tough concept to wrap my mind around and causes a certain sense of restlessness.

That said, I can also look back at all of the decision points in my past, and while there are certainly things I wish I could have done differently, overall I feel like my life is on the right track. My career has been pretty good, I married the right person who I would marry over again in a heartbeat. We had the two kids that we desperately wanted and they are turning out to be pretty cool little people. I love in a wonderful part of the world.

Yes, I still have that itch for an international adventure and still hope to do it. It will be more encumbered than how I had imagined it would go years ago, but that is okay.  Lots of the big dreams I have for various fun are still stewing in the back of my mind, and I tell myself that is what FIRE is for. Hopefully it happens that way!

[Bearblastbeats]

Time is definitely making my situations seem a little better. I need to remember that I am still the new kid at my job and I'm still in the learning curve.

As far as the house, I'm just going through the motions now. My GF is stressing about it more than I am but I am sure everything will come out just fine. I have already paid the appraiser and the inspector as well as putting a deposit on the house so I might as well see this one through.

I received an email last night from a job I had applied for before getting this current one, and we set up an interview for today at noon. It's another construction project manager position for TJX. It will deal with overseeing construction of new DCs and renovations of existing. An ex coworker of mine had this job at TJX and said that they pay north of 90k a year but it will require more work and travel across the country. I suppose I'll do the interview and gauge what it really is about, and at 90k a year, that's 17K more than I make now.

Is it worth it to get the pay bump even though I've been at my new job for only 5 months, or should I stay put here doing telecommunications? Telecom is the future some say.

[big_slacker]

Just remember that stress + rest = growth. You're in a stress phase due to a BUNCH of changes happening at once. Take care of yourself, build in or USE stress relief valves. Exercise, outdoors, great sleep, meditation, etc.

You should not change jobs during a house purchase, haha! IMO unless you're miserable at the new gig, give it a year or two.

[mm1970]

Just remember that stress + rest = growth. You're in a stress phase due to a BUNCH of changes happening at once. Take care of yourself, build in or USE stress relief valves. Exercise, outdoors, great sleep, meditation, etc.

You should not change jobs during a house purchase, haha! IMO unless you're miserable at the new gig, give it a year or two.

Also, when you are having a baby is NOT a time to change jobs either.

[golden1]

Uhhh not a mid life crisis.
Too many changes at once.

You basically managed to roll up ALL the big stressors at once.  Wait, did anyone die?  You might be missing that.

Yeah pretty much.  If I had all that going on all at once, I would be certifiable. 

Honestly, since you really can't drop any of the balls you have going, I would just focus on getting through one day at a time for now.  The house is an acute stressor, and it will pass within a specific time period, so you have an end date there.  The job is something you will gradually get more comfortable doing.  Give it another 3-6 months before thinking of changing jobs.  The kid will be tough, but it might actually put the job situation into perspective. 

See what you can do to manage stress.  See a therapist, or try CBT or meditation techniques. 

It will get better.

[Bearblastbeats]

Just remember that stress + rest = growth. You're in a stress phase due to a BUNCH of changes happening at once. Take care of yourself, build in or USE stress relief valves. Exercise, outdoors, great sleep, meditation, etc.

You should not change jobs during a house purchase, haha! IMO unless you're miserable at the new gig, give it a year or two.

Also, when you are having a baby is NOT a time to change jobs either.

Well, the reason I switched from my last job WAS because we are having a baby so that I can now support my family without the need for my GF t work FT.

[ysette9]

I strongly vote for not having a job that requires travel when you have a tiny baby at home. As a 2x mother I can say that for me personally, I really really really needed my husband there physically to help and to be my brain when sleep deprivation deprived me of my own. When he did have to travel I had my father stay with me and still almost lost my shit. Do what you can to not put your girlfriend in that position.

[Bearblastbeats]

I strongly vote for not having a job that requires travel when you have a tiny baby at home. As a 2x mother I can say that for me personally, I really really really needed my husband there physically to help and to be my brain when sleep deprivation deprived me of my own. When he did have to travel I had my father stay with me and still almost lost my shit. Do what you can to not put your girlfriend in that position.

Yea. I would rather be home every night. My last job has me flying out every month to a new site and it gets old real quick.

[nessness]

I can relate. In a 5-month period last year, I had a baby, sold my house, left my job of 5 years, moved 1200 miles, bought a new house, started a new job (same organization but totally different role), and went back to full time work (I'd been working part time since having my first kid 2 years before). It was A LOT, and I was constantly stressed and overwhelmed and felt like I was failing at everything.

But things slowed down and I settled in, and they will for you too (maybe not for a while, since..baby), and you'll adapt to your new normal.

When I started my previous job, my old boss said it would take 6 months to a year to really settle in, and I found that to be case. I settled in a little more quickly at my current job, but partly because it was still within the same organization. But unless there are major red flags, I think it's too soon to really know if your new job is a good fit.

[Scortius]

If it matters, I found buying a home to be one of, if not the most, stressful moments of my life. More stressful than going through college, much more stressful than doing a PhD, more stressful than my wife and I having two children. There is something so scary and final about a home purchase once an offer is accepted. All that worrying about what did the inspector miss, am I making a huge mistake, can we actually afford this, does this mean we're living here forever? It did go away, but it took a little time. If available, I would look into checking with a therapist for at least a few sessions to sort things out. I feel great now, but for a while there it was physically unhealthy.

[MrThatsDifferent]

Seek therapy. There is nothing shameful or weak about it. It will help you, it will give you a safe space to discuss and work through things. You aren’t alone and there are resources to help. You’ve come to this forum for help, do it a bit better and find a professional.

[Bearblastbeats]

Like every other thing in my life that has troubled me, I turn to Dylan.

"The only thing I knew how to do was to keep on keepin' on. Like a bird that flew"

[mm1970]

I strongly vote for not having a job that requires travel when you have a tiny baby at home. As a 2x mother I can say that for me personally, I really really really needed my husband there physically to help and to be my brain when sleep deprivation deprived me of my own. When he did have to travel I had my father stay with me and still almost lost my shit. Do what you can to not put your girlfriend in that position.

Yes.  My husband had a very busy contract when kid #2 was born, such that he was traveling 25% of the first 6 weeks.  It just about killed me.

It scares me how close I was to losing it 3 days in a row when baby #2 cried for 5 straight hours every night.

[ysette9]

Oh lord, that sounds appalling.
I found myself thinking murderous thoughts at my then-toddler when she started waking up to scream during the one reliable 3-hour stretch of sleep that the baby would give me, thus ensuring that I never slept more than 2 hours at a time. Naturally this all happened when my husband was on travel.
Never. Again.

[Linea_Norway]

+1 to not getting a job with more travel. The salary increase is not worth it.

At work, learn to say no sometimes. If you are the committed person who always delivers, your boss will dump more and more tasks and responsibilities on you. Make sure you don't take up more than you can handle. See if some of your tasks could be automated/made more efficient or whether you could delegate something to another person.