Author Topic: aging parents are killing me!  (Read 23706 times)

PKate

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #100 on: February 18, 2018, 05:33:19 PM »
Reading this thread makes me realize my DH and I need to have a serious talk with his parents.  They will most likely move in with us at some point  and they never want to be put in a nursing home.  It seems like it is a very good idea to start working on this before they get to a point where they can't live on their own.

Yes.  Yes it is.  Have been watching some family go through related issues now which are difficult.  (Due to an unforeseen death several years ago.)  It helps to be ahead of the curve, start thinking and planning, getting the family on board who need to be on board.  Before that, though, you'll want to have some discussions with DH about the boundaries you two will have re: the parents - although it sounds like you're on top of it and have probably already done so. 

Good point.  DH and I will have figure out what we want before we bring it up to the in laws.   We both know that we do not want to add an additions to the house to have them move in.  They would just fill it with stuff and it would drive our high property taxes even more.  They are pack rats and they will have to get rid most of their stuff before we will allow them to move in largely due to the fact we are downsizing now because I am slowly becoming disabled myself in my mid 40s.  My SIL already has her MIL and my brother is taking care of my mother so part of FIRE include paying for extra help medical expenses for me and potentially my in laws.

lhamo

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #101 on: February 18, 2018, 05:54:54 PM »
Yes, you need to start having the discussions now.   And make it very clear that there may be a difference between what they WANT and what is FEASIBLE/POSSIBLE.   Not everyone is functionally capable of remaining in their own home until their final days.  In fact, most are not.   Sometimes a physical deterioration makes it impossible, sometimes a mental one, sometimes a financial one.   You need to start getting clear with them about what support you can provide, both now and down the line.  You need to be upfront about your own limitations, physical and financial, related to your disability.   Don't let the expectations build too big.

We were very lucky that my sister living next door made it possible for my mom to remain in her rural home until age 86.  And that after she felt the risks were too great, she made the decision herself to move to assisted living.  And that I could find a place very close to me that was a good fit at a price she could afford, and take on the responsibility of doing most of the first-hand support.  And that my brother and sister both remained involved/engaged/supportive, too, over the last few months.  Our situation was about as good as it gets.  I wish everyone could have it as good as we did, but really the key to it all was reasonable expectations and honest communication on all sides.

I love and appreciate my family so much having gone through this the past few years.....

Zamboni

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #102 on: February 18, 2018, 08:02:14 PM »
I watched my grandparents go the two extremes.

One set moved into a cottage at a CCRC, made friends there, and also paid to move my two old maid aunts in there with them. They set up trusts to protect some assets for their children and provide for their siblings. Their last few years were as smooth as could possibly be.

The other set divorced in their late 70's, then grandma remarried a gold digger who took half her money a year later. They refused to look into care for themselves until it was too late and ended up in less than ideal situations.

So, of course, my Mom, child of the latter set, has given me the "promise me you will never put me in a home!" ultimatum. She has also informed me she is going to run out of money (which was not a news flash; she worked in only a minimal way and saved next to nothing. She also makes decisions well past the border of ridiculous like buying my 18 year old nephew a Camaro . . . because he really wanted it! That was after she gave me the "I'm going to run out of money" speech, to top it off.) She moved far away from me, to the rural area where my brother lives that has almost no healthcare infrastructure. I wish her a long and healthy life . . . and I never would commit to the promise she tried to force on me.

Apples

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #103 on: February 20, 2018, 09:30:36 AM »
lhamo's suggestion of discussing what parents want vs. what may be possible is key.  My grandfather told my grandma that "Don't you ever put me in a home" because "they're all terrible" and "that's where you put people while waiting for them to die".  But they never discussed what to do if, well, it was at the point that my grandma couldn't care for him (she can't lift him well) but she's afraid to shell out for in-home care because someone might steal stuff.  And now she's trying to fulfill a promise that she shouldn't keep.  There's also "strong German woman takes care of herself and her husband" vibes based on what her grandma did while she was growing up, but someone really needs to point out to her that medicine has advanced and expanded lifespans. 

Have all the what is possible discussions.  People can't age in-home if they sleep on the second floor, or will need a kid to do all their basic chores because they can't afford a housekeeper.  It's heartbreaking and a giant headache to watch.

Dicey

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #104 on: February 20, 2018, 01:44:01 PM »
lhamo's suggestion of discussing what parents want vs. what may be possible is key. My grandfather told my grandma that "Don't you ever put me in a home" because "they're all terrible" and "that's where you put people while waiting for them to die".  But they never discussed what to do if, well, it was at the point that my grandma couldn't care for him (she can't lift him well) but she's afraid to shell out for in-home care because someone might steal stuff.  And now she's trying to fulfill a promise that she shouldn't keep.  There's also "strong German woman takes care of herself and her husband" vibes based on what her grandma did while she was growing up, but someone really needs to point out to her that medicine has advanced and expanded lifespans. 

Have all the what is possible discussions.  People can't age in-home if they sleep on the second floor, or will need a kid to do all their basic chores because they can't afford a housekeeper.  It's heartbreaking and a giant headache to watch.

OMG, yes, Yes, YES! The right question after the "Don't put me in a home" statement is along the lines of, "Okay, what are you going to do when you can no longer care for yourself?" Magical thinking on their part does not translate into obligation on yours. Ask the next question, don't just accept the "You're a meanie if you put me in a home" guilt trip. I'm fine if they're determined to stay at home, but it's up to them to put the infrastructure in place before it is needed, including all the finances.

RetiredAt63

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #105 on: February 22, 2018, 07:18:01 AM »
And just to toss in that no-one can really predict their future health.  I have friends in their 70's and 80's who cross-country ski, are in great shape mentally and physically.  I also have friends who were healthy, had a health issue, and went downhill fast from what was a minor health setback to start with.  Literally, one went from surgery to dead in a month, and one went from an illness to ICU in 3 weeks.

Those whose parents are not looking to their future - ask how their friends are doing.  Ask how they would manage if they needed a knee/hip replacement (I know lots of people who have had them).  Ask how they would manage if  one of them started being a bit absent-minded (I know people with spouses/siblings who lived at home for a while but eventually had to move to assisted living).  Ask how they would manage if they had a small stroke that meant they were generally OK but could no longer drive (I know people that happened to).

Seriously, if parents are in their 60's or older, this is happening to their friends and acquaintances.   At some level they have to know it could happen to them, they are just not admitting it.  So coming at the topic sideways, by asking about friends, may make it easier for them to start thinking about it for themselves, even if they don't want to discuss it with you.  After all, they are your parents, they are "supposed" to look after you, not you after them.  They may feel very uncomfortable talking with you about it.

Milizard

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #106 on: February 22, 2018, 10:44:05 AM »
Um, yeah, they think that you owe it to them because they looked after you when you were a child.

Trifele

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #107 on: February 22, 2018, 11:07:37 AM »
Um, yeah, they think that you owe it to them because they looked after you when you were a child.

Depends on the parent.  My parents were more like RetiredAt63's . . . Extremely reluctant to ever ask one of their kids for help.  That's better (my opinion) than when the parent expects it all from you, but it comes with its own set of challenges. 

Roadrunner53

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #108 on: February 22, 2018, 03:27:57 PM »
Unless your parents are the most miserable people on earth, I would think there could be some kindness towards your parents. I loved my Mom and Dad and are no longer with me. My Dad died first and my Mom was pig headed and never wanted to take anything from me or my hub. She wanted to pay for things my hub did for her. He would tell her to keep her money and give him a glass of wine and they'd be even. She hated not paying and would sneak money into my husbands jacket. We had a hard time breaking her of it and really never did. She appreciated my hub so much. Hub took care of her lawn, gutters, spring clean up and fall clean up of the yard. Small repairs here and there. She loved him so much for all he did for her. She was so kind and generous, he loved her too.

SEAKSR

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #109 on: February 22, 2018, 04:06:22 PM »
This thread has inspired me to have a real sir down with my siblings to discuss how we are going to handle our parents aging. I know my mom wants to live with my sister, but you have all brought up so many points that we've never discussed. Time to start! Thanks guys!

Trifele

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #110 on: February 22, 2018, 04:08:12 PM »
Unless your parents are the most miserable people on earth, I would think there could be some kindness towards your parents. I loved my Mom and Dad and are no longer with me. My Dad died first and my Mom was pig headed and never wanted to take anything from me or my hub. She wanted to pay for things my hub did for her. He would tell her to keep her money and give him a glass of wine and they'd be even. She hated not paying and would sneak money into my husbands jacket. We had a hard time breaking her of it and really never did. She appreciated my hub so much. Hub took care of her lawn, gutters, spring clean up and fall clean up of the yard. Small repairs here and there. She loved him so much for all he did for her. She was so kind and generous, he loved her too.

Your mom sounds like my dad.  :)  I love him to the moon and back.  However, he is a stubborn old cuss, and will not willingly let me do anything for him.  I knew his gutters needed cleaning one day, and I made the mistake of telling him I was coming by after work to clean them.  When I got there, he had already gone up on the roof and done it himself.  He's in his 80s, and has a tricky knee.   When I said "Dad, you should let me do that for you,"  he says "I'm old.  You still have young kids."  As in -- better that he falls off the roof than I take the chance.   Here I am, way grown up with gray hair, and he's still trying to take care of me.  :)

Would I rather that he was demanding, and sucked the life out of me?  No way, but absolute refusal of help creates its own stress for a child.  I worry about him all the time.  A little middle ground would be nice.



Roadrunner53

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #111 on: February 22, 2018, 04:20:06 PM »
Trifele, one thing, buy a Gutter Clutter Buster for the gutters. This thing is awesome and hooks up to a shop vac (heavy duty one) and you can stand on the ground in most cases and suck the gutters of the debris! I found this for my Hub who has dangled by his balls for years on a ladder scooping the crap out with his hands and a pail. This thing is awesome and my Hub has said a million times he wished he had this thing 30 years ago!

https://www.gutterclutterbuster.com/

I am not advertising this thing, I was so worried about my Hub hanging by his balls at our house and Moms that I investigated and by chance found this on line. You could bring this to your Dad's and he will be amazed and no one will get hurt!

My Mom was a saint and wish she had lived another 20 years! I guess as we age we don't want to be seen as unable to do things like we used to. My Hub had some serious health problems and doesn't have the get up and go he used to but he will be 66 so I keep telling him he isn't 23 year old anymore.

Milizard

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #112 on: February 22, 2018, 04:40:03 PM »
Unless your parents are the most miserable people on earth, I would think there could be some kindness towards your parents. I loved my Mom and Dad and are no longer with me. My Dad died first and my Mom was pig headed and never wanted to take anything from me or my hub. She wanted to pay for things my hub did for her. He would tell her to keep her money and give him a glass of wine and they'd be even. She hated not paying and would sneak money into my husbands jacket. We had a hard time breaking her of it and really never did. She appreciated my hub so much. Hub took care of her lawn, gutters, spring clean up and fall clean up of the yard. Small repairs here and there. She loved him so much for all he did for her. She was so kind and generous, he loved her too.

Eh, we all have our limits.  Mine was 24/7 care, spoon-feeding thickened liquids and changing shitty diapers, but YMMV.

Trifele

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #113 on: February 23, 2018, 03:18:39 AM »
Trifele, one thing, buy a Gutter Clutter Buster for the gutters.

Thanks for that!  That looks like a neat tool! 

Edited to add:  Beats the heck out of the way he has been doing it, which was go up onto the roof with his shop vac, reverse it, and walk around the edges blowing the leaves out. [shudder]
« Last Edit: February 23, 2018, 05:30:29 AM by Trifele »

Trifele

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #114 on: February 23, 2018, 03:27:41 AM »
Eh, we all have our limits. 

Yes we do.  I reached my limits with my in laws (needy hoarders, no planning, serious health problems).  But I know that others like you have gone through much tougher situations. There's a whole spectrum of how this aging thing can go, and the burdens placed on us adult kids.  Variables such as parent's health, finances, personality, willingness to plan, willingness to make changes all factor in.  Then mix in additional variables like our location, our own personalities, relationship with our parents, our OWN family/spouse/kid issues, finances, health, etc. and it's easy to see how we've had different experiences.  Some common threads though -- stress and guilt.


Edited for spelling
« Last Edit: February 23, 2018, 06:12:59 AM by Trifele »

CU Tiger

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #115 on: February 23, 2018, 06:13:32 AM »
My grandparents, all four of them failed to plan. Same thing happened on my husband's side. (We're only in our 30s). I told my husband once we reach a certain age, we will be moving into an assisted living facility regardless of whether we need it or not. It prevents us from being a burden on our kid, and it also prevents us from looking like demented fools who think they can be almost 100 and still living on their own.

I understand that you're burnt out with this entire situation, but your parents are already very elderly and likely won't live that much longer. I wouldn't consider the current situation to be long term. I would also make a plan for yourself so you don't repeat history.

I think you're drastically underestimating how much your own decision-making, once you are 80 years old, will resemble the horror stories in these comments, and not the decision-making of a calm, logical 30-something talking about stuff in the distant future.

While none of us know how our health or mental acuity will be when we are old, there are things we can do to make things better now. Staying active and mentally connected help. Planning ahead with proper saving and investments so you have financial freedom. I live in a city with lots of nice assisted living communities. Many people I know, at age 65-75 will decide to sell up and move into one when they are still completely independent. They drive, still do all their usual activities, but now they are in place to get more care if it becomes necessary. The older person clinging to their house when they cannot care for themselves, expecting aging adult children to sacrifice their own lives enabling 80 and 90 year olds to live alone... We should all plan now to do better.

My husband and I have no kids, so our plan now is moving into an elder community at 70.

MayDay

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #116 on: February 23, 2018, 08:20:22 AM »
CU Tiger, exactly. I don't expect to make great decisions at 80, which is why I plan to move  into a CCRC by 70 or 75!  And I may even downsize to a condo with no snow shoveling or yardwork in my early 60's.

They key is to set yourself up for success while you are still making good decisions.

Out of my 4 parents/in-laws, we've got 2 75 year olds and a 60 year old that think they'll stay in their houses forever (all honesty eoth lots of stairs and lots of snow removal and lawn mowing required), a 60 year old who would move into a condo today.

My FIL is definitely having some aging related issues but refuses to discuss. Refused the offer of a cleaning lady that he doesn't have to pay for. Totalled his car in a mysterious accident. Ugh.

CoffeeR

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #117 on: February 27, 2018, 02:37:38 PM »
So far, I'm blessed in this regard. My parents are still (relatively) healthy, active, but they are 75+.  My wife asked me to point out to them a new retirement community that was being build. I did and I had to do nothing else. They immediately checked it out, signed up, made the finances work and they will move in this year.

Personally, if I was a bachelor and I needed a home base, I would move into a retirement community at age 62 (earliest allowed around here). I own a home, but I don't need to own one anymore.



Dicey

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #118 on: February 27, 2018, 11:06:31 PM »
So far, I'm blessed in this regard. My parents are still (relatively) healthy, active, but they are 75+.  My wife asked me to point out to them a new retirement community that was being build. I did and I had to do nothing else. They immediately checked it out, signed up, made the finances work and they will move in this year.

Personally, if I was a bachelor and I needed a home base, I would move into a retirement community at age 62 (earliest allowed around here). I own a home, but I don't need to own one anymore.
You are wise, indeed!

Dee18

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #119 on: February 28, 2018, 08:34:18 AM »
My 94 year old mother lives alone in the house I grew up in, 400 miles away from where I live.  She has help one day a week.  Her only sister is 86 and lives in her condo, with paid assistants, 500 miles from my mom. My mother's 94 year old cousin, with whom she was raised, lives in her own home with a paid live in caregiver, 800 miles away.  None of them have been willing to move into any sort of retirement community/assisted living, or to another city to be near family. But all of them lived well within their means and have enough assets for the assistance they need.  Having known these women, I would have expected each of them to move into retirement communities once widowed.  I think they planned to.  But my aunt and mother were in their 80s when they lost their husbands and they were totally resistant to change then.  My takeaway from all of this is to plan to have substantial assets to use in my later years, but also to move in my 70s to where I can age in place with support as needed (though I, like them, may change my mind). I know I am fortunate that none of them need my financial support. None of them needed any assistance at all until the last four years.  I attribute that to the fact that they all did exercise, eat sensibly, engage in their communities, maintain long friendships, have colonoscopies, etc....all the things research says we should do.  And of course I realize some of it is genetics and some of it is luck. My sister and I would be much less stressed if they were in assisted living communities, and I really wish my mother had agreed to relocate near me, but they are all still mentally competent to make their own choices. "Growing old" really can mean many, many different experiences.

Sibley

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #120 on: February 28, 2018, 07:48:07 PM »
My 94 year old mother lives alone in the house I grew up in, 400 miles away from where I live.  She has help one day a week.  Her only sister is 86 and lives in her condo, with paid assistants, 500 miles from my mom. My mother's 94 year old cousin, with whom she was raised, lives in her own home with a paid live in caregiver, 800 miles away.  None of them have been willing to move into any sort of retirement community/assisted living, or to another city to be near family. But all of them lived well within their means and have enough assets for the assistance they need.  Having known these women, I would have expected each of them to move into retirement communities once widowed.  I think they planned to.  But my aunt and mother were in their 80s when they lost their husbands and they were totally resistant to change then.  My takeaway from all of this is to plan to have substantial assets to use in my later years, but also to move in my 70s to where I can age in place with support as needed (though I, like them, may change my mind). I know I am fortunate that none of them need my financial support. None of them needed any assistance at all until the last four years.  I attribute that to the fact that they all did exercise, eat sensibly, engage in their communities, maintain long friendships, have colonoscopies, etc....all the things research says we should do.  And of course I realize some of it is genetics and some of it is luck. My sister and I would be much less stressed if they were in assisted living communities, and I really wish my mother had agreed to relocate near me, but they are all still mentally competent to make their own choices. "Growing old" really can mean many, many different experiences.

You can't convince them to at least consolidate and have all 3 in one home? Likely have more social interaction that way.

davo

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #121 on: October 03, 2018, 07:00:14 AM »
Oh my, I am so glad to be reading this now! I just started looking for assisted living for my parents, or rather added it to my to-do list but have not jumped in yet.

My brother and I work well as a team and that is a big relief for me.

My Dad is being difficult to work with and cannot organize his mind to find an assisted living place on his own. He can barely can manage his medication. Recently the fire department is called to their apartment twice per week to pick one of them up off of the ground after falling.

They didn't plan for anything and do not have any assets. Luckily they have Social Security, a Navy pension, and a Veterans Administration "Aid & Assistance" benefit to help pay for assisted living. That doesn't look like it will cover the whole cost and I am NOT looking forward to paying the extra money each month. I know I am not required to do that, and I can choose what I am willing to pay for and what I am willing to do.

I resent them for not saving or planning, and now I may be spending money on their retirement instead of paying my own debts and saving for my retirement!

I've decided that I am leaving on a vacation with my girlfriend for the next two weeks, and will not deal with parents issues while away. When I get back if my parents aren't fully cooperating I am getting a lawyer to pursue forced power of attorney over them for their own safety. I don't know if that is the correct legal term.

I am willing to help provide their needs, I am not willing to stress myself out on their bullshit. Oh yeah, I do love them and I feel compassion for them. I just have worked very hard to grow up, overcome family difficulties, and improve my life since becoming an adult. I do not want their chaos to ruin the life I enjoy today.

~edit - grammar

@davo  Do they qualify for Medicaid? Look into that.

It turns out yes!! I wish I has called a legal professional knowledgeable about medicaid MUCH sooner!

Wow, so much has changed for me and my parents since this post in February 2018! After a few hospitalizations and legal work, they are in a nursing home together with medicaid application in process, likely to be approved.


MaybeBabyMustache

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #122 on: October 03, 2018, 07:31:04 AM »
Oh my, I am so glad to be reading this now! I just started looking for assisted living for my parents, or rather added it to my to-do list but have not jumped in yet.

My brother and I work well as a team and that is a big relief for me.

My Dad is being difficult to work with and cannot organize his mind to find an assisted living place on his own. He can barely can manage his medication. Recently the fire department is called to their apartment twice per week to pick one of them up off of the ground after falling.

They didn't plan for anything and do not have any assets. Luckily they have Social Security, a Navy pension, and a Veterans Administration "Aid & Assistance" benefit to help pay for assisted living. That doesn't look like it will cover the whole cost and I am NOT looking forward to paying the extra money each month. I know I am not required to do that, and I can choose what I am willing to pay for and what I am willing to do.

I resent them for not saving or planning, and now I may be spending money on their retirement instead of paying my own debts and saving for my retirement!

I've decided that I am leaving on a vacation with my girlfriend for the next two weeks, and will not deal with parents issues while away. When I get back if my parents aren't fully cooperating I am getting a lawyer to pursue forced power of attorney over them for their own safety. I don't know if that is the correct legal term.

I am willing to help provide their needs, I am not willing to stress myself out on their bullshit. Oh yeah, I do love them and I feel compassion for them. I just have worked very hard to grow up, overcome family difficulties, and improve my life since becoming an adult. I do not want their chaos to ruin the life I enjoy today.

~edit - grammar

@davo  Do they qualify for Medicaid? Look into that.

It turns out yes!! I wish I has called a legal professional knowledgeable about medicaid MUCH sooner!

Wow, so much has changed for me and my parents since this post in February 2018! After a few hospitalizations and legal work, they are in a nursing home together with medicaid application in process, likely to be approved.

This is why I love this forum. Seeing that someone posted a reply that was helpful & gave you information that made your life easier. It makes me so happy. @davo - thrilled that it looks like you are getting the help you need with your family

dude

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #123 on: October 03, 2018, 07:51:55 AM »
I am 62yo, with 5 older kids.  Some of them are boomerang and we still need to be there for support. 
Still working, hoping the retire in a year.

  Anyway,  my aging parents have refused to move out of their home and we finally (after 5+ years of pushing) have them moved into a CCRC just yesterday.
They are 93 and 88yo and are very needy.   Over the last 2 years I have been driving back and forth to their home to deal with all sorts of crises ... about every 3 weeks.  It's 200miles each way so I burn a weekend.   This week we just got them moved.  Of course, they were not cooperative with packers so my sibs and I had to pack/unpack them for 4 straight days.   At 62 yo this has taken its toll.  I think I've aged 10 years in the last 3.

  They are killing me ... literally draining my life energy.   I am tired of the toll it is putting on my family.  They expect their grown children to take care of every little thing, and don't seem to acknowledge that we have our own lives and challenges and our own sons/daughters to spend time with.
I was hoping to enjoy my later years, and have plans for active lifestyle but, not sure that will happen.

   What is frustrating is they had made no plans at all for their later years.  They have the savings.  The unspoken  expectation is that the kids would somehow pick up the pieces and take care of them.   This has really stressed us out and my sibs and I at this point are all done.

  My wife and I have promised that we will not do this to our children.

That is rough, very sorry to hear it.

I don't/won't have the same problem with my own parents, as only one is still alive, and she's not at all the needy type (she lives in FL by herself), but my spouse is an only child with the sole burden of taking care of her parents. They're both just into their 80's and so far haven't been too bad, other than having shitloads of health problems the past 8-10 years, but I do worry very much about how much of my life energy they will take up as they age. I love her parents, but I don't have any desire to be involved in the daily issues that are surely coming as they grow older, but I fully expect my wife will expect me to pitch in. I'm willing to help out to some degree, but I don't really want to be spending my best retirement years worrying about and caring for them. Sounds selfish, I guess, but seriously, they're HER parents, not mine. We've talked occasionally about moving to SoCal, but she can't be far from her parents, which means we'd have to move them out there with us, and there's absolutely NFW I want any part of that. So we're likely stuck where we are until they've shed their mortal coils.

saguaro

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #124 on: October 03, 2018, 10:21:12 AM »
That is rough, very sorry to hear it.

I don't/won't have the same problem with my own parents, as only one is still alive, and she's not at all the needy type (she lives in FL by herself), but my spouse is an only child with the sole burden of taking care of her parents. They're both just into their 80's and so far haven't been too bad, other than having shitloads of health problems the past 8-10 years, but I do worry very much about how much of my life energy they will take up as they age. I love her parents, but I don't have any desire to be involved in the daily issues that are surely coming as they grow older, but I fully expect my wife will expect me to pitch in. I'm willing to help out to some degree, but I don't really want to be spending my best retirement years worrying about and caring for them. Sounds selfish, I guess, but seriously, they're HER parents, not mine. We've talked occasionally about moving to SoCal, but she can't be far from her parents, which means we'd have to move them out there with us, and there's absolutely NFW I want any part of that. So we're likely stuck where we are until they've shed their mortal coils.

My own parents have both passed now, but MIL and FIL (86 and 88 respectively) are still living independently at this point.  FIL is still doing pretty well but MIL seems to be sliding into dementia and it's looking like FIL, who is doing most of the work caring for her, may not be able to continue much longer.   DH realizes that he may need to get involved in some future care issues/decisions, but to the bolded above, he has made clear to me is that he does not expect me to do any caregiving for them.  He has one sister who is estranged with the parents right now so unless that resolves, he's basically an only child.  With my parents, DH and BILs stayed out of any caregiving (one BIL only did some home related stuff like clearing gutters) but the caregiving / trips to the hospital, etc. was seen as being the childrens' responsibility.   That's not to say spouses can help, and families as well as expectations vary widely in this kind of situation, but in my family, this is how it went and it was expected of us (I could expound about not having plans, unrealistic expectations and lack of boundaries but I won't).   Incidentally, I went through hell with my own family, who were very much like what the OP described in his post, and that is a good part of why DH doesn't want me involved.  There will be issues with his parents, different from my own family but issues nonetheless, and he doesn't want me to deal with that.  Besides it's his family.

One good thing that while my in laws are absolute spendthrifts and we worried they would outlive their money, they haven't yet as we know they have delegated lawn care and cleaning to paid outside services.  So likely that in home care or memory care facility is what will happen but we really don't know until we get there.

Linda_Norway

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #125 on: October 04, 2018, 02:42:53 AM »
My 68 year old mother is living along in her big house. A good friend of hers lives in an elderly apartment complex, where you move in when still healthy and where you can expect help from the others when needed help. Until you are so needy that you'll need to move into a caring/nursing facility. Sometimes there is an apartment for sale at the friend's complex. But my mother is not willing to consider moving there. My mother's house needs maintenance, but at least she is going to hire people to do this for her. She has a pension and good savings and is also hiring a regular gardener and a painter. So far, so good. I also have the impression that she doesn't mind being on her own, having grown into her own habits. We are living in another country and can therefore not make regular visits.

When we are FIREd, we plan to help her brushing up her house if she ever wants to sell it. We might then move in with her for 2-3 months to sort things out with small repairs and do some modernizing.

RetiredAt63

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #126 on: October 06, 2018, 04:56:39 PM »
My 68 year old mother is living along in her big house. A good friend of hers lives in an elderly apartment complex, where you move in when still healthy and where you can expect help from the others when needed help. Until you are so needy that you'll need to move into a caring/nursing facility. Sometimes there is an apartment for sale at the friend's complex. But my mother is not willing to consider moving there. My mother's house needs maintenance, but at least she is going to hire people to do this for her. She has a pension and good savings and is also hiring a regular gardener and a painter. So far, so good. I also have the impression that she doesn't mind being on her own, having grown into her own habits. We are living in another country and can therefore not make regular visits.

When we are FIREd, we plan to help her brushing up her house if she ever wants to sell it. We might then move in with her for 2-3 months to sort things out with small repairs and do some modernizing.

I don't remember adopting you, but I seem to have. 
Spoiler: show
Except my daughter lives in another city, not another country, so I guess Linda's mother is not me.  But her mother and I are leading very similar lives.  It is perfectly viable as long as we have our health and some money.

Linda_Norway

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #127 on: October 08, 2018, 02:33:23 AM »
My 68 year old mother is living along in her big house. A good friend of hers lives in an elderly apartment complex, where you move in when still healthy and where you can expect help from the others when needed help. Until you are so needy that you'll need to move into a caring/nursing facility. Sometimes there is an apartment for sale at the friend's complex. But my mother is not willing to consider moving there. My mother's house needs maintenance, but at least she is going to hire people to do this for her. She has a pension and good savings and is also hiring a regular gardener and a painter. So far, so good. I also have the impression that she doesn't mind being on her own, having grown into her own habits. We are living in another country and can therefore not make regular visits.

When we are FIREd, we plan to help her brushing up her house if she ever wants to sell it. We might then move in with her for 2-3 months to sort things out with small repairs and do some modernizing.

I don't remember adopting you, but I seem to have. 
Spoiler: show
Except my daughter lives in another city, not another country, so I guess Linda's mother is not me.  But her mother and I are leading very similar lives.  It is perfectly viable as long as we have our health and some money.


:-D

My mother is not living in Canada.

familyandfarming

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #128 on: October 11, 2018, 12:09:12 PM »
If thereís one thing that Iíve learned from dealing with aging parents is to get my own house in order! Iíve become a minimalist in my attitudes toward stuff. My children donít want this stuff! I encourage all who are approaching their Ď60ís to get into a ďpurge modeĒ and eliminate stuff that doesnít matter now! Your children will thank you later!

Pigeon

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #129 on: October 11, 2018, 12:41:35 PM »
If thereís one thing that Iíve learned from dealing with aging parents is to get my own house in order! Iíve become a minimalist in my attitudes toward stuff. My children donít want this stuff! I encourage all who are approaching their Ď60ís to get into a ďpurge modeĒ and eliminate stuff that doesnít matter now! Your children will thank you later!

So true.  I've had to liquidate the homes of various relatives.  Don't do that to your children.  I remember one conversation with my MIL who was in her 90s.  We were trying to get her to consider the possibility of moving to some very nice senior living facilities, where she  already had a number of friends.  She was unwilling to entertain the idea, although she was socially isolated and increasingly unable to manage the large family home after raising 5 kids for 65 years.  It was full to the rafters with stuff.

Her argument was that she couldn't possibly handle downsizing all that stuff.  When we offered to help her, she refused because she couldn't possibly expect us to deal with it.  When dh asked her who she thought would ultimately have to clear it all out, she plugged her ears and started humming loudly.

saguaro

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #130 on: October 11, 2018, 12:52:45 PM »
If thereís one thing that Iíve learned from dealing with aging parents is to get my own house in order! Iíve become a minimalist in my attitudes toward stuff. My children donít want this stuff! I encourage all who are approaching their Ď60ís to get into a ďpurge modeĒ and eliminate stuff that doesnít matter now! Your children will thank you later!

Same here.   Siblings and I are dealing with tons of parents' stuff now that they have both passed.  They kept everything.  My sisters in particular are pretty mad about having to deal with it.  Even though I have been purging stuff in my home on and off over the last 10 years, dealing with all my parents' stuff has made me more aggressive in the purging efforts and I am waaaaaay more picky about what I will keep.  Stuff that I kept before is now getting tossed, shredded, donated.   We don't have kids so there's no one who will want any of it, it's just we consider it our responsibility to deal with it and not place the burden on any family.   Besides DH has a collection that he wants to sell and frankly I would rather have the money from it than leave to family who might not know what to do with it anyway.  And there's the fact that if we have to move anywhere, which is likely,  it's going to be a lot easier without all the stuff.

bacchi

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #131 on: October 11, 2018, 12:53:12 PM »
I need to have this conversation with my siblings this Christmas. My sis, in particular, is very much a non-confrontational person. She'll avoid the issue with our parents until it's left to me to be the jerk when I insist that they move from their 3000 square foot stuffed-with-crap McMansion.

Good times.

LiveLean

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #132 on: October 11, 2018, 01:54:32 PM »
I'm seeing this on both sides of the family. Have an uncle who had to liquidate everything to afford aunt's nursing home in 2013. She lasted until mid-2016. He's now 84 and living in his childhood bedroom near Pittsburgh as his childhood home is now owned by his brother-in-law and rented to my uncle's daughter, who lets him live with her in the home he previously last lived in circa 1952. Six years ago he was living in a Florida 55-and-over golf community with an untouched lump sum retirement he took instead of a pension. Now he wakes up every morning wondering what the hell happened.

On the other side of the family tree, I have a never-married 85-year-old aunt who my dad just signed over to a nursing home in NYC for $18K/month. Thankfully she has enough money to pay for that for 4-5 years, but she'd have a helluva lot more had she at some point in the 1970s or '80s bought an apartment somewhere in Manhattan (she worked at the World Trade Center until the mid-90s). Instead she stayed in a shitty rent-controlled apartment in Brooklyn that looks like the worst episode of Hoarders you can imagine.

And yet my dad, who isn't in great shape health-wise at 79 but due to a life of MMM living can afford whatever care and living situation he'll want/need for as long as he'll need, feels guilty about leaving his sister alone in an NYC nursing home - he lives mostly in Florida - even though he's never been close to her.

Not sure what the lesson is here other than to take better care of yourself -- in the case of my aunts and my dad - and prepare better financially as in the case of my uncle and one aunt. Of course, Father Time wins eventually but you'd like those final years to be relatively enjoyable.


happyfeet

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #133 on: October 11, 2018, 02:14:38 PM »
I am pretty sure an elder attorney can help married couples navigate the nursing home situation so that the remaining spouse is not left destitute.

Sad reads here.  I am 60, single and don't ever want to burden my kids.


saguaro

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #134 on: October 11, 2018, 02:25:00 PM »
I am pretty sure an elder attorney can help married couples navigate the nursing home situation so that the remaining spouse is not left destitute.

Just before my mom died, she went into a nursing home on rehab status and we were just starting the work out the financials of keeping her there permanently as she was not progressing in the rehab.   One of the things my sister did was contact an elder law attorney and discussed the options with him but my mom's condition suddenly worsened and she went into hospice instead.   But from what I understand there were ways for my dad to keep the house, his vehicle and his retirement money (so long as it was below a certain threshold) with Mom in the nursing home on Medicaid however we didn't continue as Mom passed away days after. 
« Last Edit: October 11, 2018, 02:27:17 PM by saguaro »

RetiredAt63

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #135 on: October 11, 2018, 06:53:37 PM »
My 68 year old mother is living along in her big house. A good friend of hers lives in an elderly apartment complex, where you move in when still healthy and where you can expect help from the others when needed help. Until you are so needy that you'll need to move into a caring/nursing facility. Sometimes there is an apartment for sale at the friend's complex. But my mother is not willing to consider moving there. My mother's house needs maintenance, but at least she is going to hire people to do this for her. She has a pension and good savings and is also hiring a regular gardener and a painter. So far, so good. I also have the impression that she doesn't mind being on her own, having grown into her own habits. We are living in another country and can therefore not make regular visits.

When we are FIREd, we plan to help her brushing up her house if she ever wants to sell it. We might then move in with her for 2-3 months to sort things out with small repairs and do some modernizing.

I don't remember adopting you, but I seem to have. 
Spoiler: show
Except my daughter lives in another city, not another country, so I guess Linda's mother is not me.  But her mother and I are leading very similar lives.  It is perfectly viable as long as we have our health and some money.


:-D

My mother is not living in Canada.

Your mother and I are twin sisters in spirit.    ;-)

Fig

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #136 on: October 12, 2018, 12:47:45 AM »
I have a frail and elderly uncle (many miles away) who is cared for full-time by his granddaughter, who is in her early 20s. She's promised he won't have to go into residential care but he won't agree to any paid help at home either. I feel for him but he needs round the clock attention and I have no idea how she copes. Because of this, my parents recently took advice on arranging their finances for such eventualities. After reading this thread, I'm going to talk to them further about what they have in mind if they reach that stage of life, though I suspect a disconnect may later arise between knowing what's sensible and knowing when it's necessary. That said, it makes my heart ache to think of them having to leave their home.

I hoped I'll make wise decisions as I age but I very much understand why people might resist relatives' suggestions to move into senior communities while relatively young or healthy. I can see the social and pragmatic benefits but I'm not fond of living in close quarters with others, awkward soul that I am, and being surrounded only by my declining peers and elders might feel like the beginning of the end. Thankfully, my parents have a small house and live fairly minimally, so they won't have any need to downsize, and they've started to hire people for work they used to tackle themselves.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 12:54:42 AM by Fig »

kina

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #137 on: October 12, 2018, 04:19:19 AM »
I have a frail and elderly uncle (many miles away) who is cared for full-time by his granddaughter, who is in her early 20s. She's promised he won't have to go into residential care but he won't agree to any paid help at home either. I feel for him but he needs round the clock attention and I have no idea how she copes. Because of this, my parents recently took advice on arranging their finances for such eventualities. After reading this thread, I'm going to talk to them further about what they have in mind if they reach that stage of life, though I suspect a disconnect may later arise between knowing what's sensible and knowing when it's necessary. That said, it makes my heart ache to think of them having to leave their home.

I hoped I'll make wise decisions as I age but I very much understand why people might resist relatives' suggestions to move into senior communities while relatively young or healthy. I can see the social and pragmatic benefits but I'm not fond of living in close quarters with others, awkward soul that I am, and being surrounded only by my declining peers and elders might feel like the beginning of the end. Thankfully, my parents have a small house and live fairly minimally, so they won't have any need to downsize, and they've started to hire people for work they used to tackle themselves.
I think it is very wrong to ask someone to promise this. As strongly as I feel a person should 'keep their word' I even more strongly feel this is a promise one should not be held to and hope the family, if not the uncle himself, will release her from it.

dude

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #138 on: October 12, 2018, 07:01:52 AM »
If thereís one thing that Iíve learned from dealing with aging parents is to get my own house in order! Iíve become a minimalist in my attitudes toward stuff. My children donít want this stuff! I encourage all who are approaching their Ď60ís to get into a ďpurge modeĒ and eliminate stuff that doesnít matter now! Your children will thank you later!

Same here.   Siblings and I are dealing with tons of parents' stuff now that they have both passed.  They kept everything.  My sisters in particular are pretty mad about having to deal with it.  Even though I have been purging stuff in my home on and off over the last 10 years, dealing with all my parents' stuff has made me more aggressive in the purging efforts and I am waaaaaay more picky about what I will keep.  Stuff that I kept before is now getting tossed, shredded, donated.   We don't have kids so there's no one who will want any of it, it's just we consider it our responsibility to deal with it and not place the burden on any family.   Besides DH has a collection that he wants to sell and frankly I would rather have the money from it than leave to family who might not know what to do with it anyway.  And there's the fact that if we have to move anywhere, which is likely,  it's going to be a lot easier without all the stuff.

Oh god, don't get me started on this! MIL is a hoarder and despite my wife telling her to stop buying and collecting shit, she still does it (mostly from tag sales). She's made it clear that the burden of clearing all this shit out is going to be HERS, not her parents', but they don't do shit about it. I told her we're simply going to get a large dumpster and EVERTHING is going in it. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend any of my time weeding through the shit to find the few items worth keeping.

slackmax

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #139 on: October 12, 2018, 07:04:25 AM »
My parents DID plan for their future, and still ended up being a huge burden on me and my sister.  One sister is totally unburdened by all this, but she her own problems to contend with.

Dad had dementia and was a huge burden on my mom. Mom decided she wanted to move into very expensive retirement place, even though she could have had in home care for dad for much less cost.   

In retirement place, Dad was still huge burden on Mom. Finally Dad went into memory care at the retirement place. Paid for 90 percent by long term care insurance (an example of good planning).  Now Mom is unburdened. 7 months later Dad dies. Huge burden of handling the will falls on me, my sister, and Mom.

Prior to all this, many hospital visits for both Mom and Dad burdening my sister and me. 

Always having to make decisions for the parents. Plan for them. Watch out for their mistakes. Fix their mistakes.  Watch out for and correct ripoffs by retirement place staff and medical places. Lots of vultures out there preying on feeble minded old people.

I am bitter about it, and this is even WITH my parents having planned for their future. 

I've read the horror stories here about the people whose parents did not plan, and they have it much worse.   

NewPerspective

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #140 on: October 12, 2018, 07:59:26 AM »
I'm going through some of this right now.  I'm an only child.  My parents are divorced, my mother never remarried and is very much a loner (no friends).  She has been in bad health for years but just this year started dialysis.  It has been very stressful.  She had an infection that required an almost two week hospital stay earlier this year.  This required me to take time off work, etc.  She has no money and has not made plans for the future.  She has told me to put her in a nursing home if she needs care however she has not and will not actually make plans for herself.  (very frustrating and it does feel like a burden).  I try not to dwell too much on the what ifs of the situation.  I don't know what will happen or how things will play out.  She is only 65 and my grandmother (her mother) lived to be 98, but my grandmother was healthy her whole life.  My mom has type II diabetes (and has for a long time).

My father, whom I had not been in contact with in about 20 years, contacted me out of the blue earlier this year to tell me he has stage three colon cancer.  We have been in touch sporadically since then, most recently, last week when he called to say the cancer has spread to his liver and is terminal.  This situation is very confusing for me.  I'm sad of course but I'm also not close with him (but I don't hate him or anything like that.  He had his own issues that I believe prevented him from being the type of father he would have like to have been).  He wants to be in touch now and we do live in the same town.  He also has no money or anything to his name.  I'm still trying to figure out what role I want to play in this.  I understand his desire to have me in his life now that he is at the end of it but it isn't a great feeling for me.

It all feels very heavy.

Hula Hoop

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #141 on: October 12, 2018, 09:31:19 AM »
NP - that does sound like a difficult situation with both your parents.  I know that you are not close, but I'm still very worry to hear about your father.  I wish you luck in detangling the various emotions you are feeling about all this.

mm1970

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #142 on: October 12, 2018, 09:42:34 AM »
My parents DID plan for their future, and still ended up being a huge burden on me and my sister.  One sister is totally unburdened by all this, but she her own problems to contend with.

Dad had dementia and was a huge burden on my mom. Mom decided she wanted to move into very expensive retirement place, even though she could have had in home care for dad for much less cost.   

In retirement place, Dad was still huge burden on Mom. Finally Dad went into memory care at the retirement place. Paid for 90 percent by long term care insurance (an example of good planning).  Now Mom is unburdened. 7 months later Dad dies. Huge burden of handling the will falls on me, my sister, and Mom.

Prior to all this, many hospital visits for both Mom and Dad burdening my sister and me. 

Always having to make decisions for the parents. Plan for them. Watch out for their mistakes. Fix their mistakes.  Watch out for and correct ripoffs by retirement place staff and medical places. Lots of vultures out there preying on feeble minded old people.

I am bitter about it, and this is even WITH my parents having planned for their future. 

I've read the horror stories here about the people whose parents did not plan, and they have it much worse.   

This sounds tough (I did not go through this, my parents are both dead).

But, hear me out a bit (just thinking out loud).

As we age, our mental faculties start to go.  Not for everyone, and not at the same rate.  But I can already tell you that my mental capacity in my late 40's isn't what it was in my 30s.  I work with many people in their 60's (with whom I've been working for 10-20 years), and I see the same slow decline in them.  I know my father's memory went.  My husband's grandmother remembered very little her last 10 years.  My FIL is feeling like his mind doesn't work like it used to.

It's a thing.

So, when it gets to the point where your parents are aging and need to go to the hospital - yes, it's going to be a burden.  My stepfather has a LOT of hospital visits these days (recovering from cancer), and luckily he has a brother and a sister nearby who are both retired (like he is) and are healthy enough to drive him.  My sister and her family live near by and help out a lot at the house with yard work and such.

The reason why we hear about the elderly being cheated or taken advantage of is because their mental faculties start to go.  SOMEONE has to keep them from making mistakes, etc.  My husband's paternal grandparents were in the lovely category of not being fully "there" at the end AND thinking it was funny to agree to do one thing but do something else (like when it comes to paying bills, etc.).  They figured that their son should come over and do all the yard work on the house because they didn't want to pay someone to do it.  That sort of thing.

As far as handling the wills and such - someone has to do that, and it's going to be a burden.  I'm not sure what you are going with there.  Would you have rather they assigned a lawyer to handle everything and get paid a lot of $$?

saguaro

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #143 on: October 12, 2018, 10:47:00 AM »
If thereís one thing that Iíve learned from dealing with aging parents is to get my own house in order! Iíve become a minimalist in my attitudes toward stuff. My children donít want this stuff! I encourage all who are approaching their Ď60ís to get into a ďpurge modeĒ and eliminate stuff that doesnít matter now! Your children will thank you later!

Same here.   Siblings and I are dealing with tons of parents' stuff now that they have both passed.  They kept everything.  My sisters in particular are pretty mad about having to deal with it.  Even though I have been purging stuff in my home on and off over the last 10 years, dealing with all my parents' stuff has made me more aggressive in the purging efforts and I am waaaaaay more picky about what I will keep.  Stuff that I kept before is now getting tossed, shredded, donated.   We don't have kids so there's no one who will want any of it, it's just we consider it our responsibility to deal with it and not place the burden on any family.   Besides DH has a collection that he wants to sell and frankly I would rather have the money from it than leave to family who might not know what to do with it anyway.  And there's the fact that if we have to move anywhere, which is likely,  it's going to be a lot easier without all the stuff.

Oh god, don't get me started on this! MIL is a hoarder and despite my wife telling her to stop buying and collecting shit, she still does it (mostly from tag sales). She's made it clear that the burden of clearing all this shit out is going to be HERS, not her parents', but they don't do shit about it. I told her we're simply going to get a large dumpster and EVERTHING is going in it. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend any of my time weeding through the shit to find the few items worth keeping.

To the bolded, I very nearly told this to my Mom years ago.   Now to her credit, she said she was trying to go through things and she did give some childhood stuff back to me and my sibs.  Parents did succeed in getting rid of very some large items including an upright piano and a camper but in total it amounted to only 4 large items among still TONS of stuff.    I told my Mom at the time that none of us could take the stuff on, nor would me and my one sister (another lives out of state) would have the time to go through everything.  We just simply wouldn't.   I didn't have the heart to say we would get a dumpster though that was at the back of my mind.  But I did say we would have to go the estate sale and donation route, that was harsh enough.

Now, after spending nearly a year going through stuff, dealing with the dust, the grime, the coughing and sneezing for a week after a cleanout, I have said let's get a dumpster or, better yet, hiring a junk removal company to deal whatever we don't sell at an estate sale and be done with it.  But sister, who has the financial and legal authority to pull the trigger on calling the estate sale people, junk people, realtor,  etc. agrees then comes up with a bunch of reasons not to do it and we have to do this or that thing.  Initial plan per my sister after Dad died a year ago was to clean out and sell this past spring, but now it's going to be next year!?!   I finally stopped calling her to plan days to come down and do cleanouts (yes, I was the one pushing to get the house cleaned out as part of giving her the help she rants she doesn't get) but now it seems not to be a priority for her.   And the house sits empty with still a lot of stuff in it.

kanga1622

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #144 on: October 12, 2018, 11:05:37 AM »
If thereís one thing that Iíve learned from dealing with aging parents is to get my own house in order! Iíve become a minimalist in my attitudes toward stuff. My children donít want this stuff! I encourage all who are approaching their Ď60ís to get into a ďpurge modeĒ and eliminate stuff that doesnít matter now! Your children will thank you later!

Same here.   Siblings and I are dealing with tons of parents' stuff now that they have both passed.  They kept everything.  My sisters in particular are pretty mad about having to deal with it.  Even though I have been purging stuff in my home on and off over the last 10 years, dealing with all my parents' stuff has made me more aggressive in the purging efforts and I am waaaaaay more picky about what I will keep.  Stuff that I kept before is now getting tossed, shredded, donated.   We don't have kids so there's no one who will want any of it, it's just we consider it our responsibility to deal with it and not place the burden on any family.   Besides DH has a collection that he wants to sell and frankly I would rather have the money from it than leave to family who might not know what to do with it anyway.  And there's the fact that if we have to move anywhere, which is likely,  it's going to be a lot easier without all the stuff.

Oh god, don't get me started on this! MIL is a hoarder and despite my wife telling her to stop buying and collecting shit, she still does it (mostly from tag sales). She's made it clear that the burden of clearing all this shit out is going to be HERS, not her parents', but they don't do shit about it. I told her we're simply going to get a large dumpster and EVERTHING is going in it. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend any of my time weeding through the shit to find the few items worth keeping.

To the bolded, I very nearly told this to my Mom years ago.   Now to her credit, she said she was trying to go through things and she did give some childhood stuff back to me and my sibs.  Parents did succeed in getting rid of very some large items including an upright piano and a camper but in total it amounted to only 4 large items among still TONS of stuff.    I told my Mom at the time that none of us could take the stuff on, nor would me and my one sister (another lives out of state) would have the time to go through everything.  We just simply wouldn't.   I didn't have the heart to say we would get a dumpster though that was at the back of my mind.  But I did say we would have to go the estate sale and donation route, that was harsh enough.

Now, after spending nearly a year going through stuff, dealing with the dust, the grime, the coughing and sneezing for a week after a cleanout, I have said let's get a dumpster or, better yet, hiring a junk removal company to deal whatever we don't sell at an estate sale and be done with it.  But sister, who has the financial and legal authority to pull the trigger on calling the estate sale people, junk people, realtor,  etc. agrees then comes up with a bunch of reasons not to do it and we have to do this or that thing.  Initial plan per my sister after Dad died a year ago was to clean out and sell this past spring, but now it's going to be next year!?!   I finally stopped calling her to plan days to come down and do cleanouts (yes, I was the one pushing to get the house cleaned out as part of giving her the help she rants she doesn't get) but now it seems not to be a priority for her.   And the house sits empty with still a lot of stuff in it.

Does she realize the longer the house sits empty, the more issues it is likely to have? My dad passed in November and we had the estate sale in July. We spent several different weekends cleaning out parts of the house and then a full week right before the estate sale. We did throw a LOT away and there was still a lot that didn't sell at the sale. We could tell that without someone in and out of the house on a regular basis that mice found their way in and were not taken care of quickly, a small water leak was missed that needed a larger repair than would have otherwise, and not using drains connected to sewer can allow them to dry out and send sewer gas back into the house. I was so glad to be able to cross the house and "stuff" off the list so we could focus on the rest of the estate details.

dude

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #145 on: October 12, 2018, 11:10:22 AM »
If thereís one thing that Iíve learned from dealing with aging parents is to get my own house in order! Iíve become a minimalist in my attitudes toward stuff. My children donít want this stuff! I encourage all who are approaching their Ď60ís to get into a ďpurge modeĒ and eliminate stuff that doesnít matter now! Your children will thank you later!

Same here.   Siblings and I are dealing with tons of parents' stuff now that they have both passed.  They kept everything.  My sisters in particular are pretty mad about having to deal with it.  Even though I have been purging stuff in my home on and off over the last 10 years, dealing with all my parents' stuff has made me more aggressive in the purging efforts and I am waaaaaay more picky about what I will keep.  Stuff that I kept before is now getting tossed, shredded, donated.   We don't have kids so there's no one who will want any of it, it's just we consider it our responsibility to deal with it and not place the burden on any family.   Besides DH has a collection that he wants to sell and frankly I would rather have the money from it than leave to family who might not know what to do with it anyway.  And there's the fact that if we have to move anywhere, which is likely,  it's going to be a lot easier without all the stuff.

Oh god, don't get me started on this! MIL is a hoarder and despite my wife telling her to stop buying and collecting shit, she still does it (mostly from tag sales). She's made it clear that the burden of clearing all this shit out is going to be HERS, not her parents', but they don't do shit about it. I told her we're simply going to get a large dumpster and EVERTHING is going in it. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend any of my time weeding through the shit to find the few items worth keeping.

To the bolded, I very nearly told this to my Mom years ago.   Now to her credit, she said she was trying to go through things and she did give some childhood stuff back to me and my sibs.  Parents did succeed in getting rid of very some large items including an upright piano and a camper but in total it amounted to only 4 large items among still TONS of stuff.    I told my Mom at the time that none of us could take the stuff on, nor would me and my one sister (another lives out of state) would have the time to go through everything.  We just simply wouldn't.   I didn't have the heart to say we would get a dumpster though that was at the back of my mind.  But I did say we would have to go the estate sale and donation route, that was harsh enough.

Now, after spending nearly a year going through stuff, dealing with the dust, the grime, the coughing and sneezing for a week after a cleanout, I have said let's get a dumpster or, better yet, hiring a junk removal company to deal whatever we don't sell at an estate sale and be done with it.  But sister, who has the financial and legal authority to pull the trigger on calling the estate sale people, junk people, realtor,  etc. agrees then comes up with a bunch of reasons not to do it and we have to do this or that thing.  Initial plan per my sister after Dad died a year ago was to clean out and sell this past spring, but now it's going to be next year!?!   I finally stopped calling her to plan days to come down and do cleanouts (yes, I was the one pushing to get the house cleaned out as part of giving her the help she rants she doesn't get) but now it seems not to be a priority for her.   And the house sits empty with still a lot of stuff in it.

I gotta say, I was really impressed with how my mom handled this in the wake of my stepfather passing (suddenly). She unsentimentally went through a bunch of stuff, discarded the vast majority of it, and moved from the northeast to Florida with no misgivings. The only stuff she left was stuff that was ours (the kids) and all my stepfather's many tools (he was a carpenter by trade and tinkerer by nature) because she figured my brothers/brother-in-law would want them (she was correct). Kudos to mom.

Dicey

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #146 on: October 12, 2018, 11:29:44 AM »
My parents DID plan for their future, and still ended up being a huge burden on me and my sister.  One sister is totally unburdened by all this, but she her own problems to contend with.

Dad had dementia and was a huge burden on my mom. Mom decided she wanted to move into very expensive retirement place, even though she could have had in home care for dad for much less cost.   

In retirement place, Dad was still huge burden on Mom. Finally Dad went into memory care at the retirement place. Paid for 90 percent by long term care insurance (an example of good planning).  Now Mom is unburdened. 7 months later Dad dies. Huge burden of handling the will falls on me, my sister, and Mom.

Prior to all this, many hospital visits for both Mom and Dad burdening my sister and me. 

Always having to make decisions for the parents. Plan for them. Watch out for their mistakes. Fix their mistakes.  Watch out for and correct ripoffs by retirement place staff and medical places. Lots of vultures out there preying on feeble minded old people.

I am bitter about it, and this is even WITH my parents having planned for their future. 

I've read the horror stories here about the people whose parents did not plan, and they have it much worse.   
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saguaro

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #147 on: October 12, 2018, 11:45:35 AM »

Oh god, don't get me started on this! MIL is a hoarder and despite my wife telling her to stop buying and collecting shit, she still does it (mostly from tag sales). She's made it clear that the burden of clearing all this shit out is going to be HERS, not her parents', but they don't do shit about it. I told her we're simply going to get a large dumpster and EVERTHING is going in it. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend any of my time weeding through the shit to find the few items worth keeping.

To the bolded, I very nearly told this to my Mom years ago.   Now to her credit, she said she was trying to go through things and she did give some childhood stuff back to me and my sibs.  Parents did succeed in getting rid of very some large items including an upright piano and a camper but in total it amounted to only 4 large items among still TONS of stuff.    I told my Mom at the time that none of us could take the stuff on, nor would me and my one sister (another lives out of state) would have the time to go through everything.  We just simply wouldn't.   I didn't have the heart to say we would get a dumpster though that was at the back of my mind.  But I did say we would have to go the estate sale and donation route, that was harsh enough.

Now, after spending nearly a year going through stuff, dealing with the dust, the grime, the coughing and sneezing for a week after a cleanout, I have said let's get a dumpster or, better yet, hiring a junk removal company to deal whatever we don't sell at an estate sale and be done with it.  But sister, who has the financial and legal authority to pull the trigger on calling the estate sale people, junk people, realtor,  etc. agrees then comes up with a bunch of reasons not to do it and we have to do this or that thing.  Initial plan per my sister after Dad died a year ago was to clean out and sell this past spring, but now it's going to be next year!?!   I finally stopped calling her to plan days to come down and do cleanouts (yes, I was the one pushing to get the house cleaned out as part of giving her the help she rants she doesn't get) but now it seems not to be a priority for her.   And the house sits empty with still a lot of stuff in it.

Does she realize the longer the house sits empty, the more issues it is likely to have?  My dad passed in November and we had the estate sale in July. We spent several different weekends cleaning out parts of the house and then a full week right before the estate sale. We did throw a LOT away and there was still a lot that didn't sell at the sale. We could tell that without someone in and out of the house on a regular basis that mice found their way in and were not taken care of quickly, a small water leak was missed that needed a larger repair than would have otherwise, and not using drains connected to sewer can allow them to dry out and send sewer gas back into the house. I was so glad to be able to cross the house and "stuff" off the list so we could focus on the rest of the estate details.

Yes, both my other sister (the out of state one) and I have told her that not only can issues develop with the house from sitting empty but there's the risk of theft and vandalism as well.  It's in a major city.   While the surrounding neighborhood is okay and there are trustworthy neighbors who knew my parents for years still around (including an in-law relative of same sister who is sitting on things) there's risks no matter where you live.   There's still valuable items in the house that my sister has not secured by taking them out nor will she allow me to do so, just to give them to her!    She won't let me or other sister help with calling places like estate sale companies, etc.  We are at a complete standstill.   I hate doing this but made the decision to let go of the rope, so to speak, and let her deal with any fallout from her decisions.   When she finally takes action, and she will when the next round of property taxes hit or runs out of money, then I will discuss with her how I can help her but until then, I refuse to spend any more time or effort on it.   I know it sounds harsh but sister has a history of making a decision, wanting our help on it and after other sister and I have expended the efforts, then changes her mind.   She is doing this again and I, and my other sister, who has flown in multiple times to help out in various ways (long story) only be rendered a waste of time, we can't do it anymore.   

@dude, you are lucky that your mom was realistic as well as considerate enough to do what she did.  And I bet she was happy to be rid of what was tossed and that the tools were useful to someone else. 
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 11:49:03 AM by saguaro »

familyandfarming

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #148 on: October 12, 2018, 12:40:50 PM »
I have been so into my minimalism, before I go to sleep, instead of "counting sheep" I mentally go through cabinets, drawers and rooms and figure out what else I can purge! In the morning, I take photos, ask my children if they see the need, and most of the time, they respond, "No!" It's good stuff that my local charities are thrilled to receive! Do this before you are forced to!!

Here's another idea for all of you dealing with your parent's junk! My mom, age 90, is a victim of the Great Depression. Everything in her house is a "treasure". When she passes, my siblings and I are planning on having an EVERYTHING IS FREE! day in the large driveway of our parent's house. After choosing what we want and what our families want, we will take everything that is just too much to deal with and put it out. We will make signs around their small town and shake every person's hand that comes, thanking them for being in our parent's lives, as most will know my parents (they lived in the same house for 60+ years). Is it valuable stuff? Nah. My mom started collecting after dad died, and it's mostly from thrift stores!

Sibley

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #149 on: October 12, 2018, 01:09:23 PM »
Yes, both my other sister (the out of state one) and I have told her that not only can issues develop with the house from sitting empty but there's the risk of theft and vandalism as well.  It's in a major city.   While the surrounding neighborhood is okay and there are trustworthy neighbors who knew my parents for years still around (including an in-law relative of same sister who is sitting on things) there's risks no matter where you live.   There's still valuable items in the house that my sister has not secured by taking them out nor will she allow me to do so, just to give them to her!    She won't let me or other sister help with calling places like estate sale companies, etc.  We are at a complete standstill.   I hate doing this but made the decision to let go of the rope, so to speak, and let her deal with any fallout from her decisions.   When she finally takes action, and she will when the next round of property taxes hit or runs out of money, then I will discuss with her how I can help her but until then, I refuse to spend any more time or effort on it.   I know it sounds harsh but sister has a history of making a decision, wanting our help on it and after other sister and I have expended the efforts, then changes her mind.   She is doing this again and I, and my other sister, who has flown in multiple times to help out in various ways (long story) only be rendered a waste of time, we can't do it anymore.   

...

If I were in your place, when your sister actually decides to get things done, I'd say sorry, I tried to help earlier and now I don't have time/money. Shouldn't gotten moving earlier. Of course, I'm capable of being petty.