Author Topic: aging parents are killing me!  (Read 15137 times)

albireo13

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aging parents are killing me!
« on: January 31, 2018, 04:28:40 AM »
I am 62yo, with 5 older kids.  Some of them are boomerang and we still need to be there for support. 
Still working, hoping the retire in a year.

  Anyway,  my aging parents have refused to move out of their home and we finally (after 5+ years of pushing) have them moved into a CCRC just yesterday.
They are 93 and 88yo and are very needy.   Over the last 2 years I have been driving back and forth to their home to deal with all sorts of crises ... about every 3 weeks.  It's 200miles each way so I burn a weekend.   This week we just got them moved.  Of course, they were not cooperative with packers so my sibs and I had to pack/unpack them for 4 straight days.   At 62 yo this has taken its toll.  I think I've aged 10 years in the last 3.

  They are killing me ... literally draining my life energy.   I am tired of the toll it is putting on my family.  They expect their grown children to take care of every little thing, and don't seem to acknowledge that we have our own lives and challenges and our own sons/daughters to spend time with.
I was hoping to enjoy my later years, and have plans for active lifestyle but, not sure that will happen.

   What is frustrating is they had made no plans at all for their later years.  They have the savings.  The unspoken  expectation is that the kids would somehow pick up the pieces and take care of them.   This has really stressed us out and my sibs and I at this point are all done.

  My wife and I have promised that we will not do this to our children.






Cranky

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2018, 04:51:25 AM »
It's hard.

My mom had a very specific idea about how she wanted to live, independently, not close to us ... and it didn't work out, because she outlived her whole support system. I feel badly that it didn't work the way she wanted it to, and that we had to step in. I also feel badly that my sister has to do so much at this point.

It is what it is, I guess. She didn't want to "be a burden" and that got to be it's own burden.

Trifele

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2018, 05:22:29 AM »
I hear you.   It is very, very hard.  We supported my in-laws (who were living independently, but should not have been) for many years, driving 150 miles round trip nearly every weekend.  We still have young children, and all those weekends traveling to provide that help took a toll on our family.  The in-laws refused to make plans or do reasonable things to create a sustainable living situation, despite having plenty of money.  It was extremely stressful.  A few months ago we got them moved to assisted living, which was extremely stressful in its own way for all involved.  Same story -- non-cooperative, no planning, and we ended up doing all the work for the move, packing up, cleaning out their house (they are hoarders) and getting it on the market.  We too are at the place where we are completely "done." 

Take care of yourself, OP.  It may take you some time to process and decompress from all this.  Try not to feel guilty; you have done a lot.  Now it's time to focus on yourself (most important) and your kids. Not sure why you say you can't have an active lifestyle in retirement?  If your parents are adequately cared for now, let that be what it is, and make your future the way you want it to be.   Good luck to you.   
« Last Edit: January 31, 2018, 02:59:07 PM by Trifele »

kanga1622

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2018, 05:23:12 AM »
I can’t imagine how hard that is. Unfortunately I won’t get this with my parents (both were gone by the time I was 35) but I do worry about my FIL. He is single and lives with his older sister. They both have health issues and he hides a lot from us regarding his health. There is zero chance I could have him live with us but we may have to put our foot down at some point and move him closer to one of his two sons. It will be so upsetting to him to leave his home and will take us weeks to clean out all his “stuff” but I am already putting those seeds into my DH’s brain so it won’t come as a shock to him.

Hopefully now that they aren’t in a stand alone home your visits to your parents can be more thoughtfully planned and joyful rather than feeling like last minute trips to put out fires.

herbgeek

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2018, 05:46:26 AM »
My husband is going through this now with his mom.  For the last 5 years, he's been trying to get her into senior housing of some sort, but she refuses to leave her 2nd floor, not up to code, way too big to take care of apartment.  She's been to the emergency room 3 times in 7 weeks, and diagnosed with COPD, and is finally admitting she can't live alone but it not at all happy about it.   She has been poor all her life, and has everything subsidized, so choices are fewer.    Hubby found her a nice, but not too fancy place.  A couple of the siblings also visited and agreed it was suitable.  But now she's hemming and hawing. 

Hubby found a second place that he's taking her to this Thursday.  Her response:  "I'm glad I'll have a choice and you aren't just dumping me into the first place you can."  Completely ungrateful.  She's lived her whole life not planning, and being in react mode.    But now she's out of time.  I think she still thinks one of her kids will take her in but that's not happening.  Her daughters barely talk to her as she allowed her dad to molest the daughters when they were young, and then enabled her husband to be an alcoholic for many years until his death. 

She's not coming here as I work from home, and can't have her continual TV on.  Plus she's never acknowledged me as part of the family even though I've been married to her son for 33 years.  She doesn't even talk to me the once I year or so I go with him to visit.

Its hard all around, and I'm watching my husband age before my very eyes.

Roadrunner53

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2018, 05:48:06 AM »
albireo13, what might be your plans 20 or 30 years from now? Life tends to creep up on us and all of a sudden we get old. I am around your age and I also do not have plans 'for the future'. I also have no children or support system except spouse. It is sad your parents had to leave the home that they seemed to want to stay in. Were there no options like hiring caretakers since you say they had savings?

Also, you might find some comfort that your parents must have loved you and respected you and sibs. When you get old your world closes in and you can't typically just get up and go. You need help to do simple things and yes, dependent on loved ones if you are lucky enough to have any.


tomorrowsomewherenew

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2018, 06:00:53 AM »
My grandparents, all four of them failed to plan. Same thing happened on my husband's side. (We're only in our 30s). I told my husband once we reach a certain age, we will be moving into an assisted living facility regardless of whether we need it or not. It prevents us from being a burden on our kid, and it also prevents us from looking like demented fools who think they can be almost 100 and still living on their own.

I understand that you're burnt out with this entire situation, but your parents are already very elderly and likely won't live that much longer. I wouldn't consider the current situation to be long term. I would also make a plan for yourself so you don't repeat history. 

albireo13

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2018, 06:02:13 AM »
We plan to invest in a CCRC before 80 yo ... probably by 75yo, assuming good health.  There are a few in the area we have identified already.  We also plan to downsize yet again, in maybe 3 years ... a modest ranch or a condo.

My parents were hoarders.  They lived in the same house for 50 years.  It was a major battle convincing them to throw away our old baby clothes and the crib I used as a baby (rusty, unsafe, and gross).

Unfortunately, my Mom has become very narcissistic in her old age and expects the world to revolve around her.   I get calls at work most days because she's bored or wants to complain about whatever.

  We tried to make it work at their house but, soon they can't drive and they really need assisted living at this point.   My 93yo Dad insists on driving and I expect a call about an accident every day.

   He already drove the car into a ditch a year ago and cracked some neck vertebrae.  Wore a horse collar for 3 months (still drove).

    They keep insisting they don't want to impose on us yet, they are actually doing just that by not lifting a finger to take care of themselves or plan for their future.  The bottom line is they have always had problems making hard decisions.



lizzzi

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2018, 06:27:59 AM »
Public health nurse here. Remember, you don't have any legal responsibility to take care of your elderly parents. If they are alert, oriented, and self-directing...well...unfortunately they have every right to make poor decisions. As they're going down that long, slippery slope of bad judgement and declining health, sometimes bending over backward to assist them is not a good idea--for anybody. You're often just shoring up a shaky care plan...enabling a situation that isn't good for them or for you...that may not even be safe. Try to refer them to some local services--their local Office for the Aging is a good place to start. Maybe they'll let an objective professional at least come out to talk to them, make an assessment, and offer suggestions.  Or sometimes the doctor can give them some good advice that they may follow--because the MD is often seen as an authority figure. But constantly turning your own lives upside-down--to where it is adversely affecting your own health and the lives of your children--is not the route to go. Just think what would happen to them if you disappeared in a puff of smoke. They would most likely manage somehow. And it does happen--the primary caregiver drops dead of a heart attack or something. It isn't right to let the care of selfish, demanding elderly parents ruin your own life/lives.  That is going too far.


big_slacker

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2018, 06:42:54 AM »
Could be worse, in many countries they'd be living in your house.

Sucky situation though.

craiglepaige

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2018, 07:39:01 AM »
This really sucks for everyone involved :(

My mother is 65yo and her health isn't good. She should be living with someone, specially after my father passed in 2016. My brothers and I would take her in in a second but she refused to move out of her house, although the house needs repairs and the area is getting worst by the minute.

When my wife and I bought our home in 2016, before my dad passed, we were planning on asking them both to move in with us since we have enough space and the lower level has a separate room and bathroom. That went out the window the day my dad died since it cemented her to the house even further.

Now we are scrambling to figure out how to best deal with the situation. All my brothers got families and my youngest (25yo) has a girlfriend and wants his freedom/privacy. Asking him to move back in would be unfair.

Because we are Puerto Ricans, and all the shit that's going on in Puerto Rico, we have thought about asking any one of my family members to move in with her and we will provide an income for that person as a caretaker. If that doesn't happen, we have no clue wtf to do.

This absolutely sucks.

slappy

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2018, 07:48:40 AM »
Public health nurse here. Remember, you don't have any legal responsibility to take care of your elderly parents. If they are alert, oriented, and self-directing...well...unfortunately they have every right to make poor decisions. As they're going down that long, slippery slope of bad judgement and declining health, sometimes bending over backward to assist them is not a good idea--for anybody. You're often just shoring up a shaky care plan...enabling a situation that isn't good for them or for you...that may not even be safe. Try to refer them to some local services--their local Office for the Aging is a good place to start. Maybe they'll let an objective professional at least come out to talk to them, make an assessment, and offer suggestions.  Or sometimes the doctor can give them some good advice that they may follow--because the MD is often seen as an authority figure. But constantly turning your own lives upside-down--to where it is adversely affecting your own health and the lives of your children--is not the route to go. Just think what would happen to them if you disappeared in a puff of smoke. They would most likely manage somehow. And it does happen--the primary caregiver drops dead of a heart attack or something. It isn't right to let the care of selfish, demanding elderly parents ruin your own life/lives.  That is going too far.

Unfortunately this is the route we have taken. My MIL won't help herself and just wants everyone to do for her. My husband made it clear that he has a family to support and that comes first for him. He's happy to help when he can, but not at the expense of his family.

honeybbq

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2018, 09:16:24 AM »
Maybe now that they are in a retirement community they'll be able to take care of themselves or rely on others near by?

I would install some boundaries:
- one visit per month
- no phone calls at work (don't pick up)
- ___???

You need to keep your sanity and live you own life. As long as they have a roof over their heads and food on a plate, they won't die. This is the same rule for children as for elderly parents. You can let them scream; it won't hurt them.

Sibley

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2018, 09:47:49 AM »
To add to lizzzi's comments.

Re driving - if you're in the US, each state has a process to evaluate if someone's no longer safe to drive. You can likely make a report and have the DMV/Secretary of State/whomever look into it. If the license is taken away, then driving is off the table. If they continue driving, they can be arrested. However, the process may or may not keep you anonymous. And it's the government. It can be a pain. But research it.

Caregivers are well known to have poorer health outcomes, etc BECAUSE they're not taking care of yourself. Don't let that happen to you. Take care of yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally. This is not entitled, or spoiled. This is basic you-need-to-be-ok.

Re the emergency trips to put out fires - what would happen if you didn't? Or delayed the trip? Seriously, what would happen?
They fell - you call local emergency services, they get taken to the hospital for treatment and you talk to doctors on the phone. Then you request a social worker. Suddenly, you've got local help, and if they get the doctor to say that they can't go home, suddenly the underlying problem is being addressed.
Car broke - well, should they be driving to begin with? Sorry, but I suspect a LOT of 70+ year olds should not be driving, regardless of what they think. So you give them the phone number for the cab. Let them deal with the consequences.
House problem? think this through - put the consequences back on them, not you.

There's a lot that you can do with a phone call. And if they're embarrassed having an ambulance come get them when they've fallen instead of you taking them to the doctor - your response is "sorry, but if you insist on living alone, this is the consequence." Maybe they'll figure out on their own that they need to move and at least be less resistant.

Calling you constantly? Have a conversation that you know they're lonely, and if they were willing to consider moving you could help them get somewhere that they could have a social life. Then tell them that if they call you during the work day, it needs to be an emergency. When they call you at work, answer AS IF THERE IS AN EMERGENCY. When it's not an emergency, abruptly change your tone, tell them that you need them to call only if it's an emergency and hang up. (note - if you're dealing with mental illness, personality disorders, etc this may not work since those issues may get in the way)

This is going to seem cruel. Because what you're doing is pushing the consequences of their decisions, or lack of decisions, back where they belong - on them. You want them to get a figurative slap in the face so they admit that the current situation isn't working. Yes, you're still going to get involved, but you can decrease the burden in the meantime.

Now, this isn't the best way to explain this concept. But you get the idea. Stop running yourself ragged fixing a problem caused by your stubborn, fearful parent. Let them deal with the consequences of their choices (within reason of course, if it's really bad then yes you'll need to step in, but a lot of what you're dealing with is probably not life or death). Tell them that you'll be happy to help them find somewhere to move, etc. Have empathy for them. But let them face the consequences.

albireo13

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2018, 10:29:30 AM »
My Dad isn't too bad to deal with.  His problem is the driving and he is also a control freak.  Now that they have just (1 day ago) moved to a CCRC, in a different state they may have to retest for a drivers license.  That may take care of the driving.

  My Mom is now clearly sufferring from dementia ... memory problems, confusion, agitated behavior, paranoia creeping in, beligerent behavior.
It is driving my Dad nuts.  However, the CCRC is the best place for them.  They have seen this before and can provide support services.

My wife and I both work full time and are away all day.  Having my parents move in with us is not an option ... on many levels.


Dicey

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2018, 10:45:51 AM »
Remember the instruction to put on your own air mask first? You'd be wise to heed it.

There's another saw about lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Your parents are doing exactly what it pleases them to do, without regard to others. Your children's needs (if they're minors) should always come first.

I have bt,dt with my parents. My MIL has Alz. and lives with us. Believe me, I know this chapter and verse.

dude

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2018, 10:46:36 AM »
If there's a silver lining, it looks like you have some good longevity genes in your family. Hopefully you'll still get to enjoy your later years.

mm1970

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #17 on: January 31, 2018, 10:49:48 AM »
I am 62yo, with 5 older kids.  Some of them are boomerang and we still need to be there for support. 
Still working, hoping the retire in a year.

  Anyway,  my aging parents have refused to move out of their home and we finally (after 5+ years of pushing) have them moved into a CCRC just yesterday.
They are 93 and 88yo and are very needy.   Over the last 2 years I have been driving back and forth to their home to deal with all sorts of crises ... about every 3 weeks.  It's 200miles each way so I burn a weekend.   This week we just got them moved.  Of course, they were not cooperative with packers so my sibs and I had to pack/unpack them for 4 straight days.   At 62 yo this has taken its toll.  I think I've aged 10 years in the last 3.

  They are killing me ... literally draining my life energy.   I am tired of the toll it is putting on my family.  They expect their grown children to take care of every little thing, and don't seem to acknowledge that we have our own lives and challenges and our own sons/daughters to spend time with.
I was hoping to enjoy my later years, and have plans for active lifestyle but, not sure that will happen.

   What is frustrating is they had made no plans at all for their later years.  They have the savings.  The unspoken  expectation is that the kids would somehow pick up the pieces and take care of them.   This has really stressed us out and my sibs and I at this point are all done.

  My wife and I have promised that we will not do this to our children.
This is very difficult as people age, and they lose their physical and mental capacity.  As far as I can tell, it's very hard to figure out which type of "old person" you are going to be.

For example, when my husband's paternal grandparents aged (hitting their 80s), they were much the same.  My in-laws bought a house nearer to them so they would be nearby and could help out.  But, at that point my in laws were in their 60s.  So, there were limits as they had grandchildren and FIL was still working.  So, the grandparents expected my inlaws to do all of the maintenance on the house and on the property.  It took several difficult conversations before they got across "no, you just need to pay the neighbor kid $20 to mow the lawn.  We are  not mowing your lawn."  And when the topic of finances came up, the grandparents would agree on how to pay their bills and then not do it... and laugh about it.

Part of it is personality, and part is when they grew up.  "I raised you now you take care of me."  Well, that's not my personal philosophy, to be honest.  My MIL would go over and do the laundry and bathe HER MIL when she had had surgery.  Eventually they ended up in a Medicaid home, and grandpa died, so it was just grandma for 15 years or so.  They had regular visits there, and MIl would still help with laundry sometimes.  (By now, my inlaws were divorced.)  The memory loss thing is tough - husband's grandmother in the home basically had lost her short term memory for most of those years.  She would tell the same old stories over and over.  The good thing about this is you could tell her something every week and she got excited.  She always was excited to talk about our older son, who is carrying on the family name.  But by the time our younger son was born, she was past the point of even remembering he existed.  It got to where they had to write down on a calendar when they came to visit, so she wouldn't feel alone - she literally couldn't remember a visit.

In contrast, 2 other grandparents were the opposite.  They moved into assisted living and had great, happy, open lives.  Met new people, played cards, went out.  That's their personality - they aren't the kind to rely on family for everything.

You are not alone.  You have to set boundaries, and recognize that they are going to be unhappy.

In my own family, I haven't experienced this.  My grandparents all died young or fast.  My mother died fairly young (67) and my dad at 81, and he was still living independently when it happened.


I'm a red panda

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #18 on: January 31, 2018, 10:52:11 AM »
Public health nurse here. Remember, you don't have any legal responsibility to take care of your elderly parents.

Depends on the jurisdiction...Filial responsibility laws are very much a thing, though rarely enforced in the US.

saguaro

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #19 on: January 31, 2018, 10:54:56 AM »
Public health nurse here. Remember, you don't have any legal responsibility to take care of your elderly parents. If they are alert, oriented, and self-directing...well...unfortunately they have every right to make poor decisions. As they're going down that long, slippery slope of bad judgement and declining health, sometimes bending over backward to assist them is not a good idea--for anybody. You're often just shoring up a shaky care plan...enabling a situation that isn't good for them or for you...that may not even be safe. Try to refer them to some local services--their local Office for the Aging is a good place to start. Maybe they'll let an objective professional at least come out to talk to them, make an assessment, and offer suggestions.  Or sometimes the doctor can give them some good advice that they may follow--because the MD is often seen as an authority figure. But constantly turning your own lives upside-down--to where it is adversely affecting your own health and the lives of your children--is not the route to go. Just think what would happen to them if you disappeared in a puff of smoke. They would most likely manage somehow. And it does happen--the primary caregiver drops dead of a heart attack or something. It isn't right to let the care of selfish, demanding elderly parents ruin your own life/lives.  That is going too far.

Unfortunately this is the route we have taken. My MIL won't help herself and just wants everyone to do for her. My husband made it clear that he has a family to support and that comes first for him. He's happy to help when he can, but not at the expense of his family.

I fervently wish that my sister, who lived 5 minutes from my parents, established better boundaries with both of them, who were used to having her do for them.  This had gone on for years, long before they needed care (it was a convenience but not a need) but became a real problem when they needed more help.   My other sister and I pitched in but with both of us further away, it really fell on this one sister for the day to day needs and the inevitable emergencies, which became more frequent.   My folks refused to change their situation, which was clearly not working, expecting that their daughters would take care of things and in spite of medical professionals advising they get in-home help during my mother's final months.  They had the money but didn't want to spend it.  I told sister I would support her pulling back when she complained she couldn't do anymore, but she never could bring herself to carry it out (granted, it is hard) despite developing some health problems herself.  I felt for her but at the same time, I did make it clear that I was not going to do more to make up for it, I had my own health to look after.  Sounds harsh but I was not going to kill myself.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2018, 11:36:18 AM by saguaro »

Moustachienne

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #20 on: January 31, 2018, 11:24:05 AM »
Hoo boy do I feel everyone on this thread!  Currently dealing with 92 year old MIL, a hoarder who's insisted on staying in her house.  Sadly, she's now easier to help because she's *extremely* frail with multiple health issues.  At least she's only a 30 minute drive away but given the huge increase in her needs, DH and I are spending a lot of time and a lot of mental energy dealing with her.  We've decided to consider it our full-time job, something we can do since we retired last year. 

Like others here, we consider this an object lesson on the importance of trying our best to set ourselves up for a better extreme old age.  Even more important as we don't have kids to rescue us from bad decisions!

But will we make good decisions?

This only some what tongue in cheek NYT articles suggests not: Things I'll Do differently When I Grow Old - https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/05/well/family/thing-ill-do-differently-when-im-old.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fwell&action=click&contentCollection=well&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=1&pgtype=sectionfront

The sanctimonious comments on the article from some people are a hoot.  Dealing with a stubborn parent (or two!) is not for the faint-hearted and you've got to laugh/cry.  You can legally walk away, I guess, but unless your upbringing was toxic, you're not going to do that.

One thing that's helped me is to try to let go of how things "should" be (if the parent was reasonable, the medical system more co-ordinated, the family dynamics smoother, etc) and be clear eyed about how they actually are and what can/needs to be done in a less than ideal situation.

Signing off now to talk to home caregivers about increasing coverage!   Good luck all!

slappy

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #21 on: January 31, 2018, 11:26:32 AM »
Public health nurse here. Remember, you don't have any legal responsibility to take care of your elderly parents. If they are alert, oriented, and self-directing...well...unfortunately they have every right to make poor decisions. As they're going down that long, slippery slope of bad judgement and declining health, sometimes bending over backward to assist them is not a good idea--for anybody. You're often just shoring up a shaky care plan...enabling a situation that isn't good for them or for you...that may not even be safe. Try to refer them to some local services--their local Office for the Aging is a good place to start. Maybe they'll let an objective professional at least come out to talk to them, make an assessment, and offer suggestions.  Or sometimes the doctor can give them some good advice that they may follow--because the MD is often seen as an authority figure. But constantly turning your own lives upside-down--to where it is adversely affecting your own health and the lives of your children--is not the route to go. Just think what would happen to them if you disappeared in a puff of smoke. They would most likely manage somehow. And it does happen--the primary caregiver drops dead of a heart attack or something. It isn't right to let the care of selfish, demanding elderly parents ruin your own life/lives.  That is going too far.

Unfortunately this is the route we have taken. My MIL won't help herself and just wants everyone to do for her. My husband made it clear that he has a family to support and that comes first for him. He's happy to help when he can, but not at the expense of his family.

I fervently wish that my sister, who lived 5 minutes from my parents, established better boundaries with both my parents, who were used to having her do for them.  This went on for years, long before they needed care but became a real problem when they needed more help.   My other sister and I pitched in but with both of us further away, it really fell on this one sister for the day to day needs and the inevitable emergencies, which became more frequent.   My folks just refused to do anything just expecting that their daughters would take care of things, even after medical professionals advised they get in-home help during my mother's final months.   I told sister I would support her pulling back when she complained she couldn't do it anymore, but she never could bring herself to do it (granted, it is hard).  I felt for her but at the same time, I did make it clear that I was not going to jump in to make up for it.   Sounds harsh but I was not going to kill myself.

We actually have the opposite situation. I have a SIL that uses my MIL essentially as a nanny, even though DH and I believe that it not really safe to do so. I told him years ago that the woman can barely walk straight (and refuses to do any physical activity to help herself), so I certainly don't feel comfortable having her drive my kids around. Yet my SIL has her driving the kids to school twice a week. Once I showed up just as she was arriving and my niece's car seat was only half buckled, because my MIL wasn't strong enough to buckle it. So here is a woman that I feel is unsafe driving, and who can't even buckle the car seat properly. No, no, no. If my SIL wants to take chances with her own children just to make her life a bit more convenient, that's on her. But I think my husband kind of thinks that my SIL can take on the burden of dealing his mom as she ages as sort of a payback for all the free childcare she has received. Of course, my husband would never turn his back on his mom or his sister, but until the need is truly there (not just imagined because it inconveniences the sister in law) we don't feel the need to burden ourselves.  My husband has told his mother that he will not be able to help her in the ways she seems to expect (ie living with us) so she needs to work on taking care of herself (ie participating in physical activity to strengthen herself and lessen the fall risk).

saguaro

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2018, 12:02:23 PM »
Trimmed for brevity:

We actually have the opposite situation. I have a SIL that uses my MIL essentially as a nanny, even though DH and I believe that it not really safe to do so. I told him years ago that the woman can barely walk straight (and refuses to do any physical activity to help herself), so I certainly don't feel comfortable having her drive my kids around. Yet my SIL has her driving the kids to school twice a week. Once I showed up just as she was arriving and my niece's car seat was only half buckled, because my MIL wasn't strong enough to buckle it. So here is a woman that I feel is unsafe driving, and who can't even buckle the car seat properly. No, no, no. If my SIL wants to take chances with her own children just to make her life a bit more convenient, that's on her. But I think my husband kind of thinks that my SIL can take on the burden of dealing his mom as she ages as sort of a payback for all the free childcare she has received.

Sister also got free child care from my parents when my nephews were very young.  About 2 days a week.  Parents were both retired and were in decent health at the time so they could handle it.   Not a bad thing but I suspect sister did all she did because she wanted to pay it back and I get that but still it was way too much for her to do.  She more than paid it back IMHO. 


dodojojo

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2018, 12:15:23 PM »
I envy those who have siblings who pitch in or at the very least, are cooperative.  I'm dealing with a sibling, who literally, has my mother's home situation in his hands and he will not respond to internal family discussions and procrastinates on external deadlines.  I'm far, far away, constantly having to prod him to respond and deal with deadlines.  I have had a month-long headache.  If he screws up my mom's home situation, he has no means to help her so it kills me that he doesn't recognize the urgency and get his ass in gear.  It's some demented form of passive aggressive retaliation.  I can't explain it otherwise.

Roadrunner53

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2018, 12:25:49 PM »
Sometimes people just don't see people are failing in health. My Mom was in excruciating pain due to cancer and they put her on heavy duty drugs. This started in August in 2013. She went thru radiation. It was hell. I was with her nearly every day and took her to appointments and there were many. She had all kinds of foods and I even started buying her frozen entrees so all she had to do was warm them up in the microwave. I didn't realize that she wasn't eating! She lived alone and was always very independent. Sometimes I would ask her what she had for dinner and she'd say eggs. I didn't question it. One day I came to the house and she had these pants on that were always baggy but they were HUGE on her and that is when I realized she had lost a lot of weight right in front of my face! It turned out she no longer could use the microwave, remote control or phone. She developed a brain disorder from the cancer. It happened so quickly. All the time I thought it was the heavy duty drugs that were messing with her mind. 8 months later she was gone. So, my point is, I was with her every day and didn't recognize her weight loss and was frustrated with her inability to use the microwave and other stuff. Scary stuff...

mm1970

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2018, 01:28:02 PM »
Public health nurse here. Remember, you don't have any legal responsibility to take care of your elderly parents. If they are alert, oriented, and self-directing...well...unfortunately they have every right to make poor decisions. As they're going down that long, slippery slope of bad judgement and declining health, sometimes bending over backward to assist them is not a good idea--for anybody. You're often just shoring up a shaky care plan...enabling a situation that isn't good for them or for you...that may not even be safe. Try to refer them to some local services--their local Office for the Aging is a good place to start. Maybe they'll let an objective professional at least come out to talk to them, make an assessment, and offer suggestions.  Or sometimes the doctor can give them some good advice that they may follow--because the MD is often seen as an authority figure. But constantly turning your own lives upside-down--to where it is adversely affecting your own health and the lives of your children--is not the route to go. Just think what would happen to them if you disappeared in a puff of smoke. They would most likely manage somehow. And it does happen--the primary caregiver drops dead of a heart attack or something. It isn't right to let the care of selfish, demanding elderly parents ruin your own life/lives.  That is going too far.

Unfortunately this is the route we have taken. My MIL won't help herself and just wants everyone to do for her. My husband made it clear that he has a family to support and that comes first for him. He's happy to help when he can, but not at the expense of his family.

I fervently wish that my sister, who lived 5 minutes from my parents, established better boundaries with both of them, who were used to having her do for them.  This had gone on for years, long before they needed care (it was a convenience but not a need) but became a real problem when they needed more help.   My other sister and I pitched in but with both of us further away, it really fell on this one sister for the day to day needs and the inevitable emergencies, which became more frequent.   My folks refused to change their situation, which was clearly not working, expecting that their daughters would take care of things and in spite of medical professionals advising they get in-home help during my mother's final months.  They had the money but didn't want to spend it.  I told sister I would support her pulling back when she complained she couldn't do anymore, but she never could bring herself to carry it out (granted, it is hard) despite developing some health problems herself.  I felt for her but at the same time, I did make it clear that I was not going to do more to make up for it, I had my own health to look after.  Sounds harsh but I was not going to kill myself.
My stepfather has been through a lot since my mom died.  He just completed a 6 month stint of chemo, radiation, and surgery for cancer.  And he lives in a rural area, far from me.

We are quite lucky that he has people.  He has siblings that are retired who can drive him to the hospital 2 hours away (and he would do the same for them).  My sister and brother in law and nephew live nearby.  They drop off food, get the mail, plow the driveway, mow the lawn.  My stepdad says "I don't know what I would DO without your brother in law!"  To which I say "he's a keeper."  It took several attempts by my sister to get him to hire a cleaning person.  He never noticed the dirt, and my sister would go over and clean for an entire day before we flew out to visit.  I think he felt bad about (1) not being able to do it and (2) spending the money.  But he has the money!  I tell him to spend it.  Likewise, his will leaves everything to his 3 stepchildren, and he mentioned giving away the land to my sister and brother in law now instead of later.  Great!  As I live far away and my brother nearby is a "taker" (only stops if he wants something), I don't care if he leaves the whole lot to my sister, her husband, and my nephew.

I can sort of see not wanting to spend the money.  Some of it is wanting to have the safety net, some is wanting to leave it to your kids.  I think "spend it!"  Seriously, if I manage to retire with millions, and end up spending it all to keep myself and my husband in a reasonably nice retirement home for 10 years, more the better.  My kids and grandkids won't inherit a penny but they can relax with their own lives and come visit.

tipster350

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #26 on: January 31, 2018, 02:33:06 PM »
I feel your pain. In my situation I am single, have both a parent and a sibling who need help. There is no one but me to bear the burden. They got themselves into a terrible crisis with no money due to bad choices and stubbornness, but in the end I was left holding the bag....without me stepping in they would have died and I couldn't have that on my conscience. For 3 years my life was an unmitigated hell trying to keep them alive, get them appropriate housing, and get them help while working a highly stressful job with many other issues going on. Even then I drew the line at wants. I provided for their needs and anything over and above that was subject to my availability and needs for rest.

When they were finally somewhat stabilized in a better living situation and had daily assistance, I pulled way back. I view myself as the executive/manager ensuring that their help continues, and I take care of the major needs that they cannot do for themselves. I step in as the situation requires. Beyond that I set firm boundaries around my time. I visit regularly, and I do extras as I can but I have my own needs and I deserve my own life. I have never recovered from the stress. My health has taken a hit and I've aged a lot. The stress is still there but is at a lower intensity.

You're going to have too look at setting some boundaries around what you are/are not willing to do. As they have resources and access to care, there is no need for you to kill yourself and impact your own family at the level you are at now. You, too, deserve rest, relaxation, family time, and health.

albireo13

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #27 on: January 31, 2018, 02:40:23 PM »
So, my wife having surgery Friday and they need me to
come over this weekend to unpack and setup their apartment.
I love my life.

Sibley

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #28 on: January 31, 2018, 02:55:45 PM »
So, my wife having surgery Friday and they need me to
come over this weekend to unpack and setup their apartment.
I love my life.

The answer is no. They can hire someone to unpack and setup their apartment for them. They can do one box a day. They can figure it out, somehow. Your wife comes first. Their lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part. Put the consequences back where they belong - on them.

Will they like it? Absolutely not. Does not change the answer. Your wife needs you, she's having surgery. End of story. Period.

albireo13

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #29 on: January 31, 2018, 02:59:20 PM »
Yup. I agree and thats what's happening.
The pain is having to even argue the point.

Trifele

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #30 on: January 31, 2018, 03:02:14 PM »
So, my wife having surgery Friday and they need me to
come over this weekend to unpack and setup their apartment.
I love my life.

The answer is no. They can hire someone to unpack and setup their apartment for them. They can do one box a day. They can figure it out, somehow. Your wife comes first. Their lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part. Put the consequences back where they belong - on them.

Will they like it? Absolutely not. Does not change the answer. Your wife needs you, she's having surgery. End of story. Period.

X2 Albireo.  I think you should say no to this.  They'll be fine.  (It took my in-laws months to unpack at their new apartment without our help, but it got done and nobody died.)

EDITED to add:  I see you posted just ahead of me on this Albireo.  Well done.   
« Last Edit: February 01, 2018, 04:20:39 AM by Trifele »

NoraLenderbee

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #31 on: January 31, 2018, 03:30:02 PM »
My sympathy. It's really hard.

They (or you) can hire people to help them unpack and move furniture. The CCRC should be able to provide information about hiring small services like this. I would give them a call. There are lots of people in CCRCs with no children around, so the CCRC must have some way to deal with it, even if it's just providing a list of recommendations.

Right now, you need to be with your wife. For the longer term, think in terms of hiring care rather than being the carer.

They just moved, right? So you don't know yet how much things will change, what the CCRC can help with, etc. Are they closer to you than before (in distance)?

 

GU

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #32 on: January 31, 2018, 04:35:26 PM »
My grandparents, all four of them failed to plan. Same thing happened on my husband's side. (We're only in our 30s). I told my husband once we reach a certain age, we will be moving into an assisted living facility regardless of whether we need it or not. It prevents us from being a burden on our kid, and it also prevents us from looking like demented fools who think they can be almost 100 and still living on their own.

I understand that you're burnt out with this entire situation, but your parents are already very elderly and likely won't live that much longer. I wouldn't consider the current situation to be long term. I would also make a plan for yourself so you don't repeat history.

I think you're drastically underestimating how much your own decision-making, once you are 80 years old, will resemble the horror stories in these comments, and not the decision-making of a calm, logical 30-something talking about stuff in the distant future. 

tipster350

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #33 on: January 31, 2018, 04:52:04 PM »
So, my wife having surgery Friday and they need me to
come over this weekend to unpack and setup their apartment.
I love my life.

You don't have to argue the point. It's time to learn about how to set healthy boundaries.

albireo13

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #34 on: January 31, 2018, 05:40:13 PM »
I think I will kill myself at 85 rather than drag my kids through this.
I dont see any problem with that. At that point Im done

debbie does duncan

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #35 on: January 31, 2018, 06:53:38 PM »

SC93

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #36 on: January 31, 2018, 07:40:47 PM »
Yes, I know it is hard. My wife goes to her mother's house (she is there right now) 1 time during the week and 1 time on the weekend. Sometimes she spends the night on the weekend. Her mom is 90 and still gets around good enough to go to Macy's, Dillards & antique malls. While I totally support her going there, it wears her out so I sometimes get on to her for going over there too much. I go over myself and clean her moms bathrooms and vacuum. While I see it gets people down taking care of their parents, my dad died when I was 10 and my mom died when I was 18 so I wish I had that dilemma.

As for your adult 'children'.... you need to read a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. The problem is that we were all taught to raise great kids when we should have been taught to raise great ADULTS.

Lmoot

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #37 on: February 01, 2018, 06:50:53 AM »
Coming from a country where the older people live with family, and family generally sticks close by geographically, I can’t help but feel sad for the elderly in “well developed” countries. It makes sense that 1st world elderly feel their world shrinking, and therefore are more desperate, grasping at attention and help, while simultaneously clinging to their warped idea of independence and “not being a burden”. Thinking back to my grandmother and great grandmother in Africa, they were not demanding of time and attention, because they never felt lacking. They were part of the family and the community and the hustle bustle.

I am not blaming or trying to guilt anyone. I know our modern society is not supportive of this type of aging family model, I’m just noting the difference as I have seen in 2 very different worlds. Fear makes people act irrationally, and add age to that, and that’s a lot to deal with.  In American society at least, future of the elderly is unknown, to them and to their loved ones. The family expectation, at least the modern expectation, is that everybody grows up and scatters to create their own little individual family packets, separate from other members of the family except for special occasions. This leaves the future completely unknown, it means sacrifices and changes by one or multiple parties will need to be made in the future. For many elderly people in other countries, they know their future will be with their family, and vice versa, so the fear of the unknown is somewhat mitigated, and the guilt of causing someone to uproot their life (or the resentment when they won’t), is removed, since it is the societal expectation.

Unfortunately/fortunately, depending on the situation and who you are, our society places a high value on independence and pursuit of [personal] happiness, and youthfulness (whereas many other societies place a higher value on the elderly and duty to the family community). It creates a society in which aging is distasteful, and neediness is shameful, and those who are aging feel pressure to deny both (to the frustration of their loved ones), because they know what the likely alternative is...which makes them less bearable and ironically less likely to be taken in by family, who already have permission from society to compartmentalize their nuclear family away from those on the “outside”.

Last year my best friend’s grandmother committed suicide at the age of 83 so she wouldn’t be a burden to her son and granddaughter, who were researching senior living facilities and were trying to do the best they could, and knew how. It was the most tragic thing I personally witnessed someone go through...the feelings of guilt of my friend.

 
« Last Edit: February 01, 2018, 06:59:50 AM by Lmoot »

I'm a red panda

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #38 on: February 01, 2018, 07:10:55 AM »
So, my wife having surgery Friday and they need me to
come over this weekend to unpack and setup their apartment.
I love my life.

You don't have to argue the point. It's time to learn about how to set healthy boundaries.

Agree.  "That won't work for me." is a really good sentence to learn, and easier than "no".

Unpacking is not an essential, life sustaining task. Your wife comes first, they can wait.

Sibley

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #39 on: February 01, 2018, 07:17:14 AM »
Lmoot, you're absolutely correct. The US does not have a culture in which multiple generations live together. There are massive advantages in that system. However, there can be massive problems with that system when you're dealing with mental illness, abusive behaviors, personality disorders, etc.

This is a problem that the US does not how how to solve, because it's a relatively new problem. The extension of lifespan, our fear of death leading us to keep people alive at all costs, medical science and technology is ABLE to keep people alive in many cases, societal shifts which moved the elderly out of extended family living situations - all combined to create the mess that we're currently dealing with.

If average lifespan is 65-70 the societal realities are very different than when average lifespan is 80-85 (for example, I don't know current estimates). And we've made that jump in a relatively short period of time. Of course we're struggling - our society is NOT setup to handle the number of people living into their 80s and 90s, and even beyond.

I suspect that eventually we'll shift back to a norm of communal living, whether with family or otherwise, so that we don't have a large number of elderly individuals living alone or with their spouse. However, along with that I sincerely hope that we moderate our "keep people alive as long as possible" approach to a gentler one that emphasizes quality of life. There are truly some people that would be better off dying at 60 vs. 90. For that matter, there are some people who would be better off dying in childhood. Collectively, we haven't figured out how to balance what we can do with what we should do.

SC93

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #40 on: February 01, 2018, 07:22:29 AM »
Food, medicine and doctors appointments are something they NEED. Unpacking is something they WANT you to do. Come back on Monday and let us know if it was more important to take care of your wife after surgery or make their apartment look pretty.

Roadrunner53

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #41 on: February 01, 2018, 07:34:40 AM »
My grandfather lived to age 110. He outlived two of his children. He still had property and no one wanted to sell it. Then the uncle who was managing the property passed away and we grandchildren figured it was TIME to sell this property, 8 years later. There was no insurance on it and a bunch of tumbled down buildings on it. Plus a couple of ponds. Just a lawsuit waiting to happen. UGH, there was a lot of bad blood and greed. Grandfather lived in his home till 100 then in a nursing home till 110. He was still 'with it' till the end. Just frail. He never went on Medicaid either, he paid for 10 years in the home! WOW! His children were too old to take care of him!

Fishindude

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #42 on: February 01, 2018, 08:48:07 AM »
Been there, done that for the last ten years or so of my moms life and going through it again now with my mother in law.
Was a pain in the rear while it was going on, but in the end I'm glad I was able to help mom in any way.  You only get one mom & dad, be grateful you have the opportunity to see them thru to old age.

mm1970

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #43 on: February 01, 2018, 10:29:00 AM »
My grandparents, all four of them failed to plan. Same thing happened on my husband's side. (We're only in our 30s). I told my husband once we reach a certain age, we will be moving into an assisted living facility regardless of whether we need it or not. It prevents us from being a burden on our kid, and it also prevents us from looking like demented fools who think they can be almost 100 and still living on their own.

I understand that you're burnt out with this entire situation, but your parents are already very elderly and likely won't live that much longer. I wouldn't consider the current situation to be long term. I would also make a plan for yourself so you don't repeat history.

I think you're drastically underestimating how much your own decision-making, once you are 80 years old, will resemble the horror stories in these comments, and not the decision-making of a calm, logical 30-something talking about stuff in the distant future.
As I understood it, the person is saying they'll make this move long before 80.

mm1970

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #44 on: February 01, 2018, 10:33:44 AM »
Coming from a country where the older people live with family, and family generally sticks close by geographically, I can’t help but feel sad for the elderly in “well developed” countries. It makes sense that 1st world elderly feel their world shrinking, and therefore are more desperate, grasping at attention and help, while simultaneously clinging to their warped idea of independence and “not being a burden”. Thinking back to my grandmother and great grandmother in Africa, they were not demanding of time and attention, because they never felt lacking. They were part of the family and the community and the hustle bustle.

I am not blaming or trying to guilt anyone. I know our modern society is not supportive of this type of aging family model, I’m just noting the difference as I have seen in 2 very different worlds. Fear makes people act irrationally, and add age to that, and that’s a lot to deal with.  In American society at least, future of the elderly is unknown, to them and to their loved ones. The family expectation, at least the modern expectation, is that everybody grows up and scatters to create their own little individual family packets, separate from other members of the family except for special occasions. This leaves the future completely unknown, it means sacrifices and changes by one or multiple parties will need to be made in the future. For many elderly people in other countries, they know their future will be with their family, and vice versa, so the fear of the unknown is somewhat mitigated, and the guilt of causing someone to uproot their life (or the resentment when they won’t), is removed, since it is the societal expectation.

Unfortunately/fortunately, depending on the situation and who you are, our society places a high value on independence and pursuit of [personal] happiness, and youthfulness (whereas many other societies place a higher value on the elderly and duty to the family community). It creates a society in which aging is distasteful, and neediness is shameful, and those who are aging feel pressure to deny both (to the frustration of their loved ones), because they know what the likely alternative is...which makes them less bearable and ironically less likely to be taken in by family, who already have permission from society to compartmentalize their nuclear family away from those on the “outside”.

Last year my best friend’s grandmother committed suicide at the age of 83 so she wouldn’t be a burden to her son and granddaughter, who were researching senior living facilities and were trying to do the best they could, and knew how. It was the most tragic thing I personally witnessed someone go through...the feelings of guilt of my friend.
Yes, that is a good point, but the multi-generational household is a full time thing too.  As I've read, many countries have these and there are grandparents who care for the home and grandchildren while the parents work and bring in the money.  I have a friend who sort of did this here in the USA, though it was a grandfather who was old and frail and owned the home, and one of his many grandchildren (plus wife and 2 kids) lived with him and took care of him until he died.

What we have in the US is yes, a lot of people move away.  I did.  No jobs for what I wanted to be in my home town.  Even when you live near your family, you build your own nuclear family and buy your own house.  So you'll have grandparents who work, live, and "retire".  Many of them really don't want to be burdened with their grandchildren "I raised my kids, you raise yours", and then when they get frail - wonder why nobody is jumping up to ask them to move in.

My spouse's sister still lives in their home town.  When she and her husband built their massive house, they built it with a large master on the first floor, thinking forward to when her parents might need to move in.  Then again, they were a close family and her mother babysat.  Well, then spouse's parents divorced and now they both live with other people.  There's no way my SIL will let MIL's boyfriend move in!

Milizard

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #45 on: February 01, 2018, 01:24:30 PM »
I am 62yo, with 5 older kids.  Some of them are boomerang and we still need to be there for support. 
Still working, hoping the retire in a year.

  Anyway,  my aging parents have refused to move out of their home and we finally (after 5+ years of pushing) have them moved into a CCRC just yesterday.
They are 93 and 88yo and are very needy.   Over the last 2 years I have been driving back and forth to their home to deal with all sorts of crises ... about every 3 weeks.  It's 200miles each way so I burn a weekend.   This week we just got them moved.  Of course, they were not cooperative with packers so my sibs and I had to pack/unpack them for 4 straight days.   At 62 yo this has taken its toll.  I think I've aged 10 years in the last 3.

  They are killing me ... literally draining my life energy.   I am tired of the toll it is putting on my family.  They expect their grown children to take care of every little thing, and don't seem to acknowledge that we have our own lives and challenges and our own sons/daughters to spend time with.
I was hoping to enjoy my later years, and have plans for active lifestyle but, not sure that will happen.

   What is frustrating is they had made no plans at all for their later years.  They have the savings.  The unspoken  expectation is that the kids would somehow pick up the pieces and take care of them.   This has really stressed us out and my sibs and I at this point are all done.

  My wife and I have promised that we will not do this to our children.

You may think this is bad, but where I stand, you've been fortunate.  Your kids older, you more established and almost ready to retire, having siblings to help you. I'm 45, my kids are 5 & 7, and I took care of my mother--1.25 miles away, from 2011 until December of last year.  2-3 times a day, every day, 360+ days a year.  I believe my younger child was born at < 5 lbs and 2.5 weeks early due to the stress.  And now I'm a bad daughter because I wouldn't move her in with me so I could spoon feed her and change her shitty diapers since she's been left incapacitated by a massive stroke late last year.  And my half siblings, one living even closer to her, while the other having absolutely nothing better to do, did not lift a finger to help...but, they are very interested in what they might inherit once she's gone!  Meanwhile, my career has been put on hold during the very worst time, while I've been focusing more energy on taking care of my mother than my own children (my awesome husband taking up the slack).

So, yes, I absolutely understand what a pain in the ass it is, but count your blessings that it hasn't been worse.

Just Joe

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #46 on: February 01, 2018, 02:47:10 PM »
For a variety of reasons, DW and I are considering building a detached garage. If necessary that garage could be renovated into a comfortable one level cottage instead for elderly relatives. Local building codes allow this.

Sibley

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #47 on: February 01, 2018, 03:15:59 PM »
You may think this is bad, but where I stand, you've been fortunate.  Your kids older, you more established and almost ready to retire, having siblings to help you. I'm 45, my kids are 5 & 7, and I took care of my mother--1.25 miles away, from 2011 until December of last year.  2-3 times a day, every day, 360+ days a year.  I believe my younger child was born at < 5 lbs and 2.5 weeks early due to the stress.  And now I'm a bad daughter because I wouldn't move her in with me so I could spoon feed her and change her shitty diapers since she's been left incapacitated by a massive stroke late last year.  And my half siblings, one living even closer to her, while the other having absolutely nothing better to do, did not lift a finger to help...but, they are very interested in what they might inherit once she's gone!  Meanwhile, my career has been put on hold during the very worst time, while I've been focusing more energy on taking care of my mother than my own children (my awesome husband taking up the slack).

So, yes, I absolutely understand what a pain in the ass it is, but count your blessings that it hasn't been worse.

I really hope that she's in a nursing home or some sort of assisted living. People forget that 50 or 75 years ago, whatever problems probably would have killed you before most of that care was needed. Providing 24/7 care is not something that non-dedicated staff can do.

Milizard

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #48 on: February 01, 2018, 03:38:18 PM »
You may think this is bad, but where I stand, you've been fortunate.  Your kids older, you more established and almost ready to retire, having siblings to help you. I'm 45, my kids are 5 & 7, and I took care of my mother--1.25 miles away, from 2011 until December of last year.  2-3 times a day, every day, 360+ days a year.  I believe my younger child was born at < 5 lbs and 2.5 weeks early due to the stress.  And now I'm a bad daughter because I wouldn't move her in with me so I could spoon feed her and change her shitty diapers since she's been left incapacitated by a massive stroke late last year.  And my half siblings, one living even closer to her, while the other having absolutely nothing better to do, did not lift a finger to help...but, they are very interested in what they might inherit once she's gone!  Meanwhile, my career has been put on hold during the very worst time, while I've been focusing more energy on taking care of my mother than my own children (my awesome husband taking up the slack).

So, yes, I absolutely understand what a pain in the ass it is, but count your blessings that it hasn't been worse.

I really hope that she's in a nursing home or some sort of assisted living. People forget that 50 or 75 years ago, whatever problems probably would have killed you before most of that care was needed. Providing 24/7 care is not something that non-dedicated staff can do.

She is now, but very unhappy about it.  A family friend and I did the 24/7 thing for a while, but the worst of her condition came at the end of that time.

Roadrunner53

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Re: aging parents are killing me!
« Reply #49 on: February 01, 2018, 03:49:05 PM »
In 2013 when my Mom was in the nursing home she was in on Medicare. She was in on rehab status. She started to go downhill and Medicare will approve 100 days if you are progressing with rehab. I was informed that she was not improving and Medicare was cutting her off even though she had not been there 100 days. It was teetering on the point where I was going to have to take her out or pay $12,000 a month. She took a turn for the worse and did pass after 45 days in the nursing home. Can you imagine paying $12K a month for nursing care? This is CT and everything cost too much. If we had to pay that she would have used up all her money she had in no time before Medicaid would kick in. She would have rather died (and did) than to have had to use all her hard earned money on a nursing home.