ITA. The first part (say the first 5 years) is when you are figuring out your differences. Each of us grow up with certain assumptions about how life is and What You Do, and it's really not until you are married (or living together) for a while that you even realize that other people don't necessarily share the same assumptions. Like, I assumed that "budget" meant identify targets for each category, and then try to spend less than that every month; DH, OTOH, had the silly idea that if you put money in a category, that meant you could actually spend it (a/k/a "they're more like guidelines, really"). Silly, silly man. So obviously, we had to figure out a compromise. Multiply x1000, and you have the first X years of our marriage.
And then, once you get settled in to a normal life, and assuming everything goes well, you have to figure out how much is enough -- what lifestyle do you really want? Kids or no? Little house, big house, apartment? City, burbs, rural? SAH or WOH? For me, the first few years of having an actual job and paying bills felt a little like playing, because I suddenly had the freedom to define myself however I wanted -- and that was a little scary, so I was almost in a rush to settle down into a life that felt comfortable. So when you add another partner to that mix, now you're talking about meshing two sets of possibilities together, while at the same time you're learning what your money will actually get you. And that gap between the dreams and what your money buys is where the conflict lies -- e.g., what do you do when one of you wants to upgrade to a bigger house, and the other isn't necessarily happy about the extra years of work necessary to pay for it? But it's also not always money-related -- for ex., DH likes to go out and do different things; he wants to go out to eat multiple times a week just as entertainment, with the different settings and flavors and all of that. I am much happier as a homebody; I mean, I like to travel, and I do get bored after say a whole week just sitting at home, but I am a nester, and I need time in my nest to recharge. So we have had to find a balance of activities that suits both of us.
Eventually I think you reach an equilibrium, where you have figured out how to meet in the middle. But once you get closer to FIRE, I think it all starts up again. I mean, it's one thing to dream of telling the asshole boss to take this job and shove it; it's another to decide that it's actually time to cut all those ties permanently. It's funny, when we were first married, DH was the one saying we should retire at 55 (I just laughed, because he also thought we'd magically have like $10MM at 55), but then @15 years later, when he actually started to look harder at the numbers, he decided that 65-ish was more realistic; and now I, the one who thought we wouldn't have enough until 65-70, have realized that we can retire right now, if we just cut the super-fancy lifestyle. But I am also realizing that he doesn't actually want to retire -- he has a Ph.D in E.E., total geek, and his current job gives him access to equipment whose combined cost probably started with a "B." He's not going to want to walk away from that!!! It's like a pet. So now we are re-evaluating what the post-FIRE vision means; we both want to do the slow-travel thing, but he is going to want some periodic tie back to all the fun equipment, so maybe a part-time consulting role or something. And I have had to back off on the "FIRE now!" push, because he simply doesn't want to. He's always supported me emotionally in getting what I want (both with important things, like the kids and being near family and deciding to go part-time, and with unimportant stuff, like persuading me to get my StupidCar, which I'd have never, ever sprung for without a major push, and which I adore right down to the ground). So I need to care equally about making sure he has what is important to him, even if that's a lot more money than I think is necessary.
It is weird, because I think right now feels more fraught than any time since the beginning of our marriage, because we are looking at kids moving out in the next few years + sufficient investments to support ourselves without paid work, and so for the first time in decades, we will soon once again have the freedom to decide who we want to be when we grow up, and what kind of life we want as a couple when there are no more kids needing us to care for them. And that is kind of terrifying in and of itself, but doubly so when there are two people who need to be happy with the result. I am hoping that the communication skills we have developed over the past 22 years will also help us navigate this really-good-but-scary change, just like we got through much harder things in the past.
