Author Topic: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend  (Read 55087 times)

TomTX

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #150 on: March 20, 2017, 06:01:51 AM »
Wow. You handled it well. I suggest just deleting his emails, messages. Don't even go there. I read it somewhere that sometimes, we just have to close that door. Not because you are angry or hurt, but because it leads nowhere.

Unfortunately, the emails continue. I received two long ones yesterday, one justifying that he can't stay with family when he visits them, and the other providing a detailed critique of me as a "prig," which is apparently a flaw that I don't see in myself. As he put it, "the money is only part of the problem." In truth, I recognize and acknowledge that I have some personal characteristics that are less than ideal. I could even see how someone who is more loosey goosey would call me a prig, since I am an orderly rule follower.

But it is still fascinating that someone who accuses me of insulting and condescending lectures has called me a lecturing, condescending, clueless, unempathic prig who acts like a school loan officer. And he will no doubt ask to borrow money from me again!

Okay, time to introduce a term to this group:

Zero Contact Protocol, or ZCP.

Normally used for manipulative, destructive or downright crazy ex-lovers - it is appropriate in this situation. You describe an unrepentant individual who will do nothing but harm you, and harm themselves. Emotional harm, financial harm - and possibly worse as they feel "betrayed" that they can't keep sucking on your tits any longer. WAHT? NO FREE MILKS!!" WAAAAHHH!!! MEAN MOMMY!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! PLEEZ PLEEZ PLEEZ MORE MIIIILLLK!!!! MEAN MOOOOMMMYY!!! YOU ARE A PRIG MOOOMMMY!!!

"Has to" stay in a hotel when his family has offered him a bed for the visit? On your dime? Ridiculously demanding infant. Next, he will want you to come change his diapers for him. That is not a metaphor. And that's just the last of a long, long line of unreasonable behavior. He is not a friend and actively makes your life worse. He can't even follow through on his threat that you won't hear from him again - so, you have to do ONE LAST THING for him. Fulfil it for him.

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. Set an automatic filter to send his emails to the trash. Block him on your phone. Shred any letters unopened. If you see him on the street, ignore him and keep walking. If he comes to your house, tell him to go away and keep the door locked. If he refuses, call the police.

ZERO CONTACT PROTOCOL.

Engage ZCP. NOW.

frugalecon

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #151 on: March 20, 2017, 06:23:10 AM »
Wow. You handled it well. I suggest just deleting his emails, messages. Don't even go there. I read it somewhere that sometimes, we just have to close that door. Not because you are angry or hurt, but because it leads nowhere.

Unfortunately, the emails continue. I received two long ones yesterday, one justifying that he can't stay with family when he visits them, and the other providing a detailed critique of me as a "prig," which is apparently a flaw that I don't see in myself. As he put it, "the money is only part of the problem." In truth, I recognize and acknowledge that I have some personal characteristics that are less than ideal. I could even see how someone who is more loosey goosey would call me a prig, since I am an orderly rule follower.

But it is still fascinating that someone who accuses me of insulting and condescending lectures has called me a lecturing, condescending, clueless, unempathic prig who acts like a school loan officer. And he will no doubt ask to borrow money from me again!

Okay, time to introduce a term to this group:

Zero Contact Protocol, or ZCP.

Normally used for manipulative, destructive or downright crazy ex-lovers - it is appropriate in this situation. You describe an unrepentant individual who will do nothing but harm you, and harm themselves. Emotional harm, financial harm - and possibly worse as they feel "betrayed" that they can't keep sucking on your tits any longer. WAHT? NO FREE MILKS!!" WAAAAHHH!!! MEAN MOMMY!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! PLEEZ PLEEZ PLEEZ MORE MIIIILLLK!!!! MEAN MOOOOMMMYY!!! YOU ARE A PRIG MOOOMMMY!!!

"Has to" stay in a hotel when his family has offered him a bed for the visit? On your dime? Ridiculously demanding infant. Next, he will want you to come change his diapers for him. That is not a metaphor. And that's just the last of a long, long line of unreasonable behavior. He is not a friend and actively makes your life worse. He can't even follow through on his threat that you won't hear from him again - so, you have to do ONE LAST THING for him. Fulfil it for him.

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. Set an automatic filter to send his emails to the trash. Block him on your phone. Shred any letters unopened. If you see him on the street, ignore him and keep walking. If he comes to your house, tell him to go away and keep the door locked. If he refuses, call the police.

ZERO CONTACT PROTOCOL.

Engage ZCP. NOW.

I agree that ZCP seems warranted here, especially since this person proposed a break in communication.

But I should make clear that he isn't refusing a bed his family has offered. His claim is that his family will not permit him to stay with them. It is true (and probably not surprising) that he has had conflicts with family members over the years. I doubt that he has actually asked them if they could put him up for a few days, but rather he is forecasting what their response would be.

pbkmaine

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #152 on: March 20, 2017, 06:36:16 AM »
Why do you continue to engage with a person who insults you?

frugalecon

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #153 on: March 20, 2017, 06:44:12 AM »
Why do you continue to engage with a person who insults you?

That is a good question, and I should apologize to the whole forum for taking up so much server space on this probably tedious tale. This is someone I have known for decades, and it has just been difficult for me to set boundaries with him. But I feel like I have turned the corner, in part thanks to some of the advice I have received here. (The "Emotional Blackmail" book that someone referenced above is very useful.) His demanding behavior has always been there, but it was manageable because we live far apart. It is just now that he is in truly dire financial conditions that things are escalating.

He is someone who has always harbored a lot of anger at the world, and it is now increasingly being turned on me. That is why I eagerly accepted his suggestion of a stoppage in communication. It is just difficult for him to stick to it.

aceyou

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #154 on: March 20, 2017, 06:56:52 AM »
Yep, this person is an anchor. 

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #155 on: March 20, 2017, 07:33:31 AM »
Why do you continue to engage with a person who insults you?

That is a good question, and I should apologize to the whole forum for taking up so much server space on this probably tedious tale. This is someone I have known for decades, and it has just been difficult for me to set boundaries with him. But I feel like I have turned the corner, in part thanks to some of the advice I have received here. (The "Emotional Blackmail" book that someone referenced above is very useful.) His demanding behavior has always been there, but it was manageable because we live far apart. It is just now that he is in truly dire financial conditions that things are escalating.

He is someone who has always harbored a lot of anger at the world, and it is now increasingly being turned on me. That is why I eagerly accepted his suggestion of a stoppage in communication. It is just difficult for him to stick to it.

If you respond to ANY of his insults/explanations/diatribes, you encourage him to continue. It doesn't matter whether HE sticks to the stoppage in communication; it only matters if YOU do.

From one rules follower to another, stay strong. You are in the right and he is in the oh so wrong.

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #156 on: March 20, 2017, 07:41:03 AM »
You seem like you're a very generous person and you want to help. It's hard to flip a switch and turn that off.

However, doing everything you can for a person is only occasionally the right choice. Children learn by making mistakes and figuring out a solution for themselves. It's how they grow as people. If a parent swooped in every time and did things for them, they would never learn to do things for themselves. An adult is exactly the same. If you see someone making mistakes, swooping in and fixing things for them is only sometimes the best solution. When you want to help this person, think of the lesson you could be taking away from them. It's much harder to step back and let things happen than it is to fix is when you're able to. I'm not judging at all because it's definitely my instinct too.

Re: his suggestion of stopping communication. It wasn't a real suggestion. It was emotional blackmail. That doesn't mean it's not the best choice. I would cut off communication.

Some final unsolicited advice: stop justifying his behaviour. You don't seem to be able to describe him acting like an asshole without explaining why he's acting like an asshole in the next sentence. He called me a prig, but maybe I am one. He wants me to bank roll his hotel stay, but his family might not let him stay so he needs it. Nope nope nope.

Dicey

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #157 on: March 20, 2017, 08:11:29 AM »
Some final unsolicited advice: stop justifying his behaviour. You don't seem to be able to describe him acting like an asshole without explaining why he's acting like an asshole in the next sentence. He called me a prig, but maybe I am one. He wants me to bank roll his hotel stay, but his family might not let him stay so he needs it. Nope nope nope.
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pbkmaine

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #158 on: March 20, 2017, 08:25:36 AM »
Why do you continue to engage with a person who insults you?

...That is why I eagerly accepted his suggestion of a stoppage in communication. It is just difficult for him to stick to it.

You can't control what he does. But YOU can stick to it. The next text he sends, tell him you think his suggestion to stop communicating is a good one. Then block him. Block his phone numbers, his emails, his social media accounts.

At this point, his behavior is not the problem. Yours is.

RedmondStash

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #159 on: March 20, 2017, 08:41:14 AM »
Why do you continue to engage with a person who insults you?

...That is why I eagerly accepted his suggestion of a stoppage in communication. It is just difficult for him to stick to it.

You can't control what he does. But YOU can stick to it. The next text he sends, tell him you think his suggestion to stop communicating is a good one. Then block him. Block his phone numbers, his emails, his social media accounts.

At this point, his behavior is not the problem. Yours is.

Honestly, I just would not respond to him at all. Ever. You don't owe him a reply; his behavior has gone beyond the bounds of social courtesy, so that means you don't owe him any social courtesy anymore. He burned that bridge himself.

It's really hard letting go of someone you thought of as a friend. I'm glad you're turning the corner. And the truth is that it doesn't matter whether his need for money is real or not. It's not your responsibility. He's trying to make his problems your problems, but they're not.

Not your circus; not your monkeys.

You can do this.

yuka

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #160 on: May 10, 2017, 10:01:09 AM »
My addition to everyone who says to break off contact:

If you're enjoying the circus more than you're bothered by it, and if there's no chance of ever giving in, then by all means continue.

In your shoes, I think I would automate responses to every email from your leech. Probably something that will go from an irritating answer to really alienating yourself to him once he realizes that it's an automatic response, maybe "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am sticking to our agreement not to contact one another."

https://www.lifewire.com/how-to-send-canned-replies-automatically-in-gmail-1172080

Of course, make sure that the messages skip directly over your inbox so you're not paying them any mind. I think over time this will prove a more frustrating and definitive response, as he can't delude himself with the notion that you're mulling over a response.

partgypsy

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #161 on: May 10, 2017, 11:01:37 AM »
Wow! I really identified with some of this, in that I have some family members, who act this way. It is hard because you had a relationship with them, maybe they had been there for you in the past, and now this (downward spiral sh*t show). Part of your conflict about ending support or contact with them, is that you may suspect some of this is due to undiagnosed psychological or emotional problems, and so not really their fault. But you know what? if they had any self-insight would realize by now, that it can't always be other's people's fault why their life is the way it is. This person is not at that point where they have any self insight. But I have been called exactly the same type of names when I offered emotional support but not financial support; I'm superior, pretentious, concescending etc (heck my ex recently called me "smug" when asking him to keep to the custody agreement). They know those words hurt.

In this case, like what other people said, you can't save him. At this point if he has so little insight to not understand why he basically has no friends and is verbally attacking someone who gave him 1K! in the past year simply for drawing boundaries, then any more talk from you will not help. 
« Last Edit: May 15, 2017, 08:47:15 AM by partgypsy »

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #162 on: May 10, 2017, 05:31:46 PM »
Is there some reason why you haven't blocked his emails yet? As entertaining as this is for the rest of us, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying hearing from this guy.

frugalecon

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #163 on: May 10, 2017, 06:19:09 PM »
Is there some reason why you haven't blocked his emails yet? As entertaining as this is for the rest of us, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying hearing from this guy.

Haven't heard from him in about six weeks. I assumed this thread would fade to obscurity...

TomTX

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #164 on: May 11, 2017, 04:44:39 PM »
Is there some reason why you haven't blocked his emails yet? As entertaining as this is for the rest of us, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying hearing from this guy.

Haven't heard from him in about six weeks. I assumed this thread would fade to obscurity...

Everything lives forever on the Internet :D

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #165 on: May 11, 2017, 07:36:39 PM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.
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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #166 on: May 11, 2017, 09:11:27 PM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

I should put an alert in my calendar for august 2032 to come here and speak from my heart about maintaining​ boundaries.
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partgypsy

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #167 on: May 15, 2017, 08:48:08 AM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

I should put an alert in my calendar for august 2032 to come here and speak from my heart about maintaining​ boundaries.

lol!

Dicey

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #168 on: May 15, 2017, 11:28:02 AM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

Funny, the OP has posted a few tidbits on another thread about money lending. Every time, I think to myself, "I know who that is!"

On the subject of necroposting: I love it when an interesting old thread gets resurrected and/or updated by the OP. Bring it!
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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #169 on: May 15, 2017, 03:38:41 PM »
This thread has always been click bait for me... I just came for the dysfunction!

frugalecon

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #170 on: May 24, 2017, 09:20:36 AM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

Funny, the OP has posted a few tidbits on another thread about money lending. Every time, I think to myself, "I know who that is!"

On the subject of necroposting: I love it when an interesting old thread gets resurrected and/or updated by the OP. Bring it!

Well, Dicey, I'm sad to say that I did get an email from him a few days ago alerting me that he had almost exhausted the windfall that he received several months ago, and still had no job. Not sure why he would share that info with a haughty, condescending, insulting, lecturing prig like me, but I assume it is a prelude to a request for cash. I predict a fire hose of vitriol will soon be directed at me. I can't imagine what it must be like to live like that.

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #171 on: May 24, 2017, 09:23:15 AM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

Funny, the OP has posted a few tidbits on another thread about money lending. Every time, I think to myself, "I know who that is!"

On the subject of necroposting: I love it when an interesting old thread gets resurrected and/or updated by the OP. Bring it!

Well, Dicey, I'm sad to say that I did get an email from him a few days ago alerting me that he had almost exhausted the windfall that he received several months ago, and still had no job. Not sure why he would share that info with a haughty, condescending, insulting, lecturing prig like me, but I assume it is a prelude to a request for cash. I predict a fire hose of vitriol will soon be directed at me. I can't imagine what it must be like to live like that.

I imagine he was thinking "see if you had given me money when I asked for it, I would not be in this position, so it is your fault."

Do not respond or reengage a conversation with him.  At this point I would just give him the gift of silence.

frugalecon

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #172 on: May 24, 2017, 09:35:09 AM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

Funny, the OP has posted a few tidbits on another thread about money lending. Every time, I think to myself, "I know who that is!"

On the subject of necroposting: I love it when an interesting old thread gets resurrected and/or updated by the OP. Bring it!

Well, Dicey, I'm sad to say that I did get an email from him a few days ago alerting me that he had almost exhausted the windfall that he received several months ago, and still had no job. Not sure why he would share that info with a haughty, condescending, insulting, lecturing prig like me, but I assume it is a prelude to a request for cash. I predict a fire hose of vitriol will soon be directed at me. I can't imagine what it must be like to live like that.

I imagine he was thinking "see if you had given me money when I asked for it, I would not be in this position, so it is your fault."

Do not respond or reengage a conversation with him.  At this point I would just give him the gift of silence.

Yeah, I didn't take the bait, but I expect he will try again, if only because he doesn't have many alternatives.

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #173 on: May 24, 2017, 02:21:53 PM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

Funny, the OP has posted a few tidbits on another thread about money lending. Every time, I think to myself, "I know who that is!"

On the subject of necroposting: I love it when an interesting old thread gets resurrected and/or updated by the OP. Bring it!

Well, Dicey, I'm sad to say that I did get an email from him a few days ago alerting me that he had almost exhausted the windfall that he received several months ago, and still had no job. Not sure why he would share that info with a haughty, condescending, insulting, lecturing prig like me, but I assume it is a prelude to a request for cash. I predict a fire hose of vitriol will soon be directed at me. I can't imagine what it must be like to live like that.

I imagine he was thinking "see if you had given me money when I asked for it, I would not be in this position, so it is your fault."

Do not respond or reengage a conversation with him.  At this point I would just give him the gift of silence.

Yeah, I didn't take the bait, but I expect he will try again, if only because he doesn't have many alternatives.

Stick to your guns, frugalecon.  The gift of silence is a gift for you, too.
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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #174 on: May 24, 2017, 03:00:39 PM »
Please don't respond to him. No responses at all to any phone calls, texts, emails. No acknowledgement whatsoever to any attempts of contact from him.

He called you horrible things and was verbally abusive after you helped him with money/support multiple times. This is not a friend.

He does not see you as a friend. He does not treat you like a friend. He does not respect you, think well of you, or appreciate anything you have ever done for him. You are not allowed to have an opinion, offer advice, or otherwise comment on his choices/life - your sole reason for being in his eyes is to provide him with support and money when he demands it.

He doesn't deserve any more of your time, or to take up any more of your head space.

I know it's entertaining for us when you post this guy's messed up life and how he keeps making demands and bashing you, but this isn't healthy FOR YOU. I do hope you block this asshole permanently and forget he ever existed for your own peace of mind. You deserve less crap in your life in general, and this is one easy block away from reducing the levels.
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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #175 on: May 24, 2017, 03:18:50 PM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

Funny, the OP has posted a few tidbits on another thread about money lending. Every time, I think to myself, "I know who that is!"

On the subject of necroposting: I love it when an interesting old thread gets resurrected and/or updated by the OP. Bring it!

Well, Dicey, I'm sad to say that I did get an email from him a few days ago alerting me that he had almost exhausted the windfall that he received several months ago, and still had no job. Not sure why he would share that info with a haughty, condescending, insulting, lecturing prig like me, but I assume it is a prelude to a request for cash. I predict a fire hose of vitriol will soon be directed at me. I can't imagine what it must be like to live like that.
Hi Frugalecon, been following your thread. In my experience, and I don't understand why, but if you are kind and overly generous to some people they treat you with disdain. Perhaps they don't value the relationship as much as you do. 

If you wish not to be tempted to respond to his emails, could you mark his emails as spam? But then you would have no new info to report! lol I suppose he could then resort to calling you, which might catch you on the back foot.

Frankies Girl has said it more eloquently than me!

TomTX

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #176 on: May 24, 2017, 07:10:41 PM »
People around here like to dig up threads from years ago and make a really passionate point. I wouldn't worry about it.

Funny, the OP has posted a few tidbits on another thread about money lending. Every time, I think to myself, "I know who that is!"

On the subject of necroposting: I love it when an interesting old thread gets resurrected and/or updated by the OP. Bring it!

Well, Dicey, I'm sad to say that I did get an email from him a few days ago alerting me that he had almost exhausted the windfall that he received several months ago, and still had no job. Not sure why he would share that info with a haughty, condescending, insulting, lecturing prig like me, but I assume it is a prelude to a request for cash. I predict a fire hose of vitriol will soon be directed at me. I can't imagine what it must be like to live like that.

Why are you even seeing his emails? It is very easy to set up a filter so that they go directly in the trash.

But if you LIKE that sort of thing, I guess I could shoot a fire hose of vitriol at you for $1,000. ;)

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #177 on: May 24, 2017, 08:54:54 PM »
I don't know Frugalecon and don't really care.

But honestly, after reading this thread, I'm not sure who's the bigger asshole--Frugalecon's former friend or Frugalecon. Maybe even one more--those who beg Frugalecon not to give in to his friend. I mean, Goddamn, how hard is it to move one's pointer and click the "spam" icon?

[MOD NOTE: Racist joke deleted]

Nice knowing everyone here. I have a feeling I'll now be removed from this forum.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2017, 07:18:55 AM by FrugalToque »

TomTX

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #178 on: May 25, 2017, 05:35:39 AM »
I don't know Frugalecon and don't really care.

But honestly, after reading this thread, I'm not sure who's the bigger asshole--Frugalecon's former friend or Frugalecon. Maybe even one more--those who beg Frugalecon not to give in to his friend. I mean, Goddamn, how hard is it to move one's pointer and click the "spam" icon?

[racist joke quote gone]


You make fair points, not sure why you would be banned. Facepunches are encouraged.

You're right - I've said my piece, hoping to help.  It either helped or not. There's no point in continuing to follow the trainwreck.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2017, 07:19:17 AM by FrugalToque »

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #179 on: May 25, 2017, 07:13:18 AM »
I don't know Frugalecon and don't really care.

But honestly, after reading this thread, I'm not sure who's the bigger asshole--Frugalecon's former friend or Frugalecon. Maybe even one more--those who beg Frugalecon not to give in to his friend. I mean, Goddamn, how hard is it to move one's pointer and click the "spam" icon?

[racist joke quote]

Nice knowing everyone here. I have a feeling I'll now be removed from this forum.

You make fair points, not sure why you would be banned. Facepunches are encouraged.

You're right - I've said my piece, hoping to help.  It either helped or not. There's no point in continuing to follow the trainwreck.
I think it's the crude attempt at humor that's beyond the pale. Buh-bye Mike.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2017, 07:19:42 AM by FrugalToque »
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TomTX

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #180 on: May 25, 2017, 08:05:03 PM »
Ah, apparently I ignored the joke - don't even have a vague recollection what it was. I have a bad habit of pulling out what appears to be pertinent from forum posts and dumping the rest before it hits long term memory.

BTDretire

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #181 on: May 26, 2017, 05:45:13 AM »
Just in case anyone is interested in the continuing story of my friend, he is still unemployed, alas, though he has had two temporary jobs in the interim. He quit one because he thought he had landed a six-figure position, but it turned out to be a possibly criminal enterprise. (Medicare and Medicaid fraud) He got another temporary gig that lasted a week before he was let go. It sounded like there were personality conflicts. I did end up contributing $1k so that he could make his August rent, but then two weeks later he texted me asking about another $1k so that he could start putting together money for his Seotember bills. I declined because of bills I had to pay and made some suggestions, which were not well received. He has some irons in the fire, but I am not terribly optimistic. I really can't fathom an employer taking a chance on him given how he presents. It is very sad to watch someone fall into poverty.
How much more money do you think you would give him?

I have decided that I won't give him any more money, other than small amounts for Xmas and birthday.
Oh my God, Just stop!
You're his friend because you are a money machine, if you stop dispensing money you won't be his friend. Stop, just stop. I can't believe you gave him another $1,000. He quit a job because he thought he had another! Bad decision after bad decision. I suspect he new before he quit there was something wrong with that new job. You aren't going to change him.
 STOP THE INSANITY!
 Find a single mother struggling with 3 kids, if you must get a good feeling for giving away money.
Although I don't think you feel good when you give this guy money.
STOP THE INSANITY!

frugalecon

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #182 on: June 05, 2017, 09:43:15 PM »
Ok, gang, this is the end of the line. For anyone who doesn't want to read the end, hit backspace.

So a few weeks ago the dude in question reached out with a light email, and I weakened and responded, and fairly quickly it escalated into a request for cash because it is an "emergency," though it sounded like the rubber really wouldn't hit the road until July 1. I am traveling, but replied I was open to talking later this week. I marshaled talking points, assembled a list of helpful links, and prepared to say that at this time I was only willing to talk about his options, but I wasn't willing to offer financial assistance.

But then a few hours ago I received an email, stating that he had sent me a letter with a deposit slip, and he had discovered his bank had branches in my city, and he would need to access my funds quickly, and it really wasn't even clear why. But I needed to deposit funds soon. I realized at that point that I really wasn't going to be able to have the conversation with him that I had envisioned, so the only response I could give him was that he had misunderstood the contact I was willing to have, and then I shared a list of potentially helpful links.

And then, I initiated ZCP. Email and phone calls blocked on all accounts and phone numbers. Hopefully this is really the end of the road for this saga. Any postal correspondence will be immediately burned. Hopefully he will figure out how to manage his life a bit better.

But in the meantime, please resume normal posting, and give thanks for the people with good mental health who are out there.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2017, 09:45:58 PM by frugalecon »

LeRainDrop

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #183 on: June 05, 2017, 09:59:00 PM »
This is a sad storyline.  I can relate to many of the feelings you've experienced.  I'm sorry you've had to go through this, frugalecon.

Dicey

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #184 on: June 05, 2017, 10:11:27 PM »
You're a good egg, frugalecon. Letting go of this so-called friend will hopefully make room in your life for a new, true friend.
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SC93

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #185 on: June 05, 2017, 10:15:53 PM »
I didn't read many replies but I see a major problem and it also applies to many others in the US. In your original statement you said, "He is continuing to seek jobs in his field". How about the world step out of their 'field' and just find a job.... ANY damn job that pays MONEY? If a job is what they seek. B!tch and complain about not finding a job in your 'field'.... ppfftttt How about changing your field to mowing grass or working at 7-11?

As for your 'friend', I usually try to hang with almost anyone but he is the type that I don't and won't ever hang with. Life is short... look how much time you've already wasted jacking with him. You can't get time back, this ain't no game where you can reset the clock...

sequoia

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #186 on: June 06, 2017, 05:22:42 AM »
Ok, gang, this is the end of the line. For anyone who doesn't want to read the end, hit backspace.

So a few weeks ago the dude in question reached out with a light email, and I weakened and responded, and fairly quickly it escalated into a request for cash because it is an "emergency," though it sounded like the rubber really wouldn't hit the road until July 1. I am traveling, but replied I was open to talking later this week. I marshaled talking points, assembled a list of helpful links, and prepared to say that at this time I was only willing to talk about his options, but I wasn't willing to offer financial assistance.

But then a few hours ago I received an email, stating that he had sent me a letter with a deposit slip, and he had discovered his bank had branches in my city, and he would need to access my funds quickly, and it really wasn't even clear why. But I needed to deposit funds soon. I realized at that point that I really wasn't going to be able to have the conversation with him that I had envisioned, so the only response I could give him was that he had misunderstood the contact I was willing to have, and then I shared a list of potentially helpful links.

And then, I initiated ZCP. Email and phone calls blocked on all accounts and phone numbers. Hopefully this is really the end of the road for this saga. Any postal correspondence will be immediately burned. Hopefully he will figure out how to manage his life a bit better.

But in the meantime, please resume normal posting, and give thanks for the people with good mental health who are out there.

Wow...he is sending you a deposit slip? Does he thinks you are an ATM? All kidding aside, I am glad this is the end of the line, and you initiate ZCP.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #187 on: June 06, 2017, 09:53:10 AM »
Good to see that you are now cutting future contact. Finally he has shown you his reason for being your "friend" in a way that makes everything crystal clear.

RedmondStash

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #188 on: June 06, 2017, 10:35:09 AM »
Ok, gang, this is the end of the line. For anyone who doesn't want to read the end, hit backspace.

So a few weeks ago the dude in question reached out with a light email, and I weakened and responded, and fairly quickly it escalated into a request for cash because it is an "emergency," though it sounded like the rubber really wouldn't hit the road until July 1. I am traveling, but replied I was open to talking later this week. I marshaled talking points, assembled a list of helpful links, and prepared to say that at this time I was only willing to talk about his options, but I wasn't willing to offer financial assistance.

But then a few hours ago I received an email, stating that he had sent me a letter with a deposit slip, and he had discovered his bank had branches in my city, and he would need to access my funds quickly, and it really wasn't even clear why. But I needed to deposit funds soon. I realized at that point that I really wasn't going to be able to have the conversation with him that I had envisioned, so the only response I could give him was that he had misunderstood the contact I was willing to have, and then I shared a list of potentially helpful links.

And then, I initiated ZCP. Email and phone calls blocked on all accounts and phone numbers. Hopefully this is really the end of the road for this saga. Any postal correspondence will be immediately burned. Hopefully he will figure out how to manage his life a bit better.

But in the meantime, please resume normal posting, and give thanks for the people with good mental health who are out there.

Well done. Hard to do, I know.

Herbert Derp

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #189 on: June 06, 2017, 01:08:08 PM »
But then a few hours ago I received an email, stating that he had sent me a letter with a deposit slip, and he had discovered his bank had branches in my city, and he would need to access my funds quickly, and it really wasn't even clear why. But I needed to deposit funds soon.

Damn, he didn't even offer to send you any Nigerian gold in return! What a shame.

Dave1442397

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #190 on: June 06, 2017, 01:32:04 PM »
Deposit a penny to his account. Write "For your thoughts" on the deposit slip.

Good for you for finally shutting him down.

semiretired31

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Re: Advice for Unemployed 64-year old friend
« Reply #191 on: June 06, 2017, 02:10:20 PM »
I'm assuming he didn't pay you back the $1000 you gave him why would you want to give him another $1000?

It doesn't look like your money is really helping him out and in fact might be just prolonging a decision he will ultimately have to make himself.

Makes me thing of scene from Rounders:

Mike McDermott:      What can you do for me? I mean five hundred isn't even enough to get me started

Joey Knish:              Five hundred won't help, what's two grand going to do? What kind of trouble you in?
.
.
.
.

Mike McDermott:      This is the one time I don't need you to tell me how I fucked up, I know I fucked up, what I need from you is money, I need whatever money you can give me

Joey Knish:               That's the thing, this time there is no money, I give you two grand what's that buy you? A day? No I give it to you I'm wasting it

Mike McDermott:       That's fucking great

Love this movie and this scene.  "It's like that saying.... In the poker game of life, women are the rake.  The motherf'n rake."  "What saying?!!" "I don't know, but there should be one."