22 Gifts from 1 Grandma...for 1 Kid

[DaMa]

One more suggestion...if you can't beat them, join them.  Send the grandparents a wishlist of things you do want, or would like to have but would never pay for.  Include the event stuff (e.g. annual pass to zoo).  If they're going to overspend, it shouldn't be on junk.

I told my boys after they got Nintendo 64 for Christmas, that Santa was all done paying for the hot new video game console.  A few years later they might have mentioned to grandma that they wanted Playstation. 

[SeanTash]

I am shocked at antagonism towards re-gifting on this site, as it's super frugal :-). In all seriousness, we're talking about kids items here, not even adult items. Re-gifting of kids items is extremely logical. We've received so many kids toys/items at different times that we haven't re-gifted everything we'd like to from years ago and still have a stash of them. Unopened kids toys, especially for young birthday parties make a ton of sense. I've re-gifted a few times for adults, but it was like a book I didn't read but knew someone else would like and a gift for one of those gift stealing deals.

I have absolutely no qualms whatsoever about regifting - i have told people for years not to buy me stuff.
if they don't listen, well, i'm going to give it to someone else.
I even take the piss with cards - i will put a thin line through my name and give it to someone.
Most people see the funny side.
I really cbf wasting $5 and another part of a tree.
If i buy gifts, it will either be something like a hamper (that will get eaten/drunk) or donations in peoples names.
I just 100% refuse to engage in buying cr@p anymore.

[Cranky]

Also, check your local women't shelter - they are often in search of toys.

[damnedbee]

If I'm ever tempted to spoil my nieces, I make myself follow the 4 gifts rule: Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read. Then I can put a lot of thought into making those 4 things meaningful. Yes, 4 is still a lot, but the something they need is usually a deposit to their investment account.

Another idea would be to reach out to a local community center or church. Sometimes they have lists of less fortunate families who could use holiday "angels." This might satisfy grandma's urge to splurge in a way that feels more personal than something like Toys for Tots.

[jdfergason]

That's an incredible amount of gifts. I come from a big family where everyone has always bought a gift for everyone else. It's only one gift per person; but this quickly gets into large numbers with a large family. It can be stressful at times but its such a big part of our family culture that I cannot imagine how it's going to change anytime soon.

I can understand how hurtful it could be to be told that a gift (or in this case 22 gifts) is un-wanted. Your MIL probably felt like she was trying to do something kind and trying to be a part of your life, her daughters life, and her grandchilds life. It would feel like a huge slap in the face to have that gift rejected.

I get trying to keep the clutter in your home down and trying to teach your daughter not to buy into the whole consumerism thing and applaud you for it. I guess i'm just encouraging you to also take your MIL's feelings into account and try and find ways to include her in your lives and make her feel valued. That might help reduce her need to over gift.

[Mrs. Fire Lane]

I’m bumping this because my in-laws just gave my son a complete set of the 12-inch Avengers action figures and they said that this is the “appetizer” and they have “a lot more.”

I honestly don’t know how to feel about this.

[ender]

We've had very firm conversations with my parents around this topic.

It sucks and we probably hurt their feelings. It is what it is.

But my parents would shower our kid (their only grandkid) with gifts if we let them, which is a problem when there are two sets of grandparents as well as us and family who all want to give gifts too.

[darkadams00]

I glanced over the original thread from last year. I liked ideas about donations and college funds. As a grandparent myself, I also like the idea of keeping some of the gifts at the grandparents house. Our grands are under five years old, and having some toys at our house gives them something to play with when they spend time with us (sometimes up to a week). And they don’t have to tote toys back-and-forth when they visit. The fact that they have some toys in both houses doesn’t spoil them at all because when they’re playing at one house, the toys at the other house are “out of mind.” As a daily cyclist, I’ve also bought 2 bike seats and a couple helmets to take them out when they visit (and a cheap car seat to use in the car when needed)...it all cost $100s not $1000s and has made their time at my house constantly active, engaging for them, and fun for all of us. A few weeks ago, my oldest grandson said, “I can’t go home yet. I haven’t rode a bike! (his toddler grammar). It had rained, but he had made the point that he associated coming to our house with getting out on the bike. Totally awesome feeling for me!

Of course, this only applies if they visit more than 1-2 times per year. I wouldn’t do this if they only came for a short visit around the holidays.

[Cooper62]

We had the same issue for many years while the kids were young.  It didn't stop until the grandparents retired and had to watch their money more.  It extended to gifts to the adults, as well.  I remember one Christmas my mother-in-law gave me a bunch of clothes.  Took the tags off everything.  None of it was my size.  Wish she'd at least left the tags on so I could have swapped it out for correct size.  All the clothes wound up at Goodwill.  When my brother-in-law got married she bought everything on the registry.  The brides family was upset because her relatives wanted to buy them some things for their house.  I know everything was done out of love so I tried to roll with it but wish much of that money was put in a college account.  Now that the oldest grandchild is in college extra funds would be helpful.  Things have really changed this year which I'm happy about.  In-laws only bought for the kids and suggested money we'd spend on adults go to a foodbank or charity helping all those impacted by Covid19.

[former player]

I hadn't come across the concept of an over-giver before reading this post, but it seems to fit here -

https://mariakillam.com/over-giver/

The quote that stood out to me is -

“Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it.”

[Sibley]

I hadn't come across the concept of an over-giver before reading this post, but it seems to fit here -

https://mariakillam.com/over-giver/

The quote that stood out to me is -

“Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it.”

Wow. A family member cut her off for 5 YEARS because she's an overgiver? I really hope that person stops giving advice and starts getting some therapy. That's some pretty serious boundary stomping. And her flippant post doesn't give me comfort that she really gets the seriousness of her offense.

[Sibley]

I’m bumping this because my in-laws just gave my son a complete set of the 12-inch Avengers action figures and they said that this is the “appetizer” and they have “a lot more.”

I honestly don’t know how to feel about this.

I'm not sure how many avengers there are, but 12 inch tall action figures are HUGE. As for the rest - well, the inlaws can keep it all at their house.

[Car Jack]

Sigh

My MIL (RIP) did this.  The inlaws lived 12 miles away, so it wasn't like they saw us only on Christmas or something.  In addition EVERY TIME they came by, they had some gift for each of our kids.  On one kid's birthday, they got the numerous gifts for the kid having a birthday and a couple for the other.  We asked them to knock it off and they wouldn't.  In addition, they'd often buy 2 of something so they'd have that toy at our house and at their house.

Some solutions:  We'd put aside presents.  Especially ones we could tell the kids had no need for.  Days later, we'd make the rounds.  Wal Mart, Toys R Us, Target.  Return without a receipt.  You know the bar codes are set up specifically for each store.  So if it came from Wal Mart, they scan and know.  The money goes into their account that we called their college fund.  My younger one (now 20) has like 9 grand in it now.

Other:  To toy/kids consignment shop.  Anything new and wrapped will get some money back.  Again, money into their account.

Some went to church toy collections for families in need.

Even then, the toys built and built.  I've been cleaning things out for years.  Literally small plastic pieces and broken toys by the trash barrel full.  Slowly but surely it will get done. 

Like I always say......you can't control other people.  You just do what you can and deal with it.

[Zamboni]

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Good link. I don't think that most over-givers understand how obnoxious their behaviour seems to many other people.

My kids are teenagers. Over-giving Nana still over gives. Kids have learned to try to channel her to specific things, and to not tell her everything they want (because she does buy EVERYTHING, and then some).

Anyway, funny/sad story from this year:
Nana pestered my kids for their "Christmas lists" starting in early November. My son turned this into an amusing exercise in mostly requesting presents that Nana won't want to give him but will anyway because she just can't stop herself, such as the "Pit Viper" sunglasses he requested this year.

My daughter rarely wants anything (seriously, she's an anti-consumer, lucky me), so this whole exercise is a lengthly semi-annual tug-o-war between her and Nana. My daughter has learned she must comply or be relentlessly Nana-hounded, and you can't just give Nana a list of 1 thing, she wants a list of at least 4-5 things, and then she buys it all. So my daughter thought and thought and came up with 3 things . . . and the only thing she really wanted (and needed!) was a particular pair of athletic sneakers. She even had her friends help her decide on the color before she put them on "the list". Anyway, you know Nana got her a pile of random stuff but NOT the sneakers she needs that she so carefully put on her list.

Daughter didn't say anything until everyone was gone, and then she said to me "I really was looking forward to having new shoes. Nana bugged me and bugged me and so I spent a lot of time picking them out. It was kinda the only thing I wanted. Oh well." Ugh!

[mathlete]

Man that is stressful! I know she means well but it’s crazy that people can’t put themselves in the other person’s mindset sometimes.

Receiving 22 items that you did not need or want means 22 objects that you need to inventory, care for, and find a place for amongst limited square footage. Happy Holidays!

[Dicey]

We gave our bonus kid (who still lives with us) 14 gifts yesterday. All of them were food items from Grocery Outlet that will be easy to stick in his bike bag. The currency that was taped to each item prior to wrapping  was his real gift. His older, married, pregnant sister and her family received an Amazon gift card of significantly higher value, because she lives too far away for us to visit. Our soon to be oldest of two grandbabies will probably get the same amount deposited into her 529 by the end of the year. All done. Feels right.

[trygeek]

[/quote]

Not all grandparents!  Mine are almost 4, 14 months, and 11 months.  When I asked I say:

I don't buy gifts.  I just put money in their college savings.  I'd be surprised if any of my kids remember one gift their grandparents gave them before they were 10 years old.  But every one of them remembers and appreciates the money they had for college.  They will never forget that.
[/quote]


I really like this idea and think I will do this when I have my own grandchildren. Now the question is how much to invest so college is paid for. I mean you could do 5,000 per year for ages 1-10 and have a good base of 50000 to grow for the next 8 years but I don't know if that will be enough or will it be too much..??

[AMandM]

@lukebuz How did things go this year?

And for some comfort to others, not all grandparents are like this! My own grandmothers gave us at most one gift apiece; one grandmother lived on the other side of the continent and came from a culture that doesn't celebrate Christmas, and I don't think she always sent a gift. My parents did the same for our kids--one gift apiece at Christmas, sometimes also one on their birthdays--and now we do the same for our grandkids.

On my husband's side the story is different but also hopeful. He grew up in a house where every child had his personal mountain of gifts on Christmas morning, and my MIL's initial impulse was to do the same for the grandkids. But we had conversations over the course of a few years, with goodwill and respect on both sides, and she drastically reduced the number of gifts.

[Wolfpack Mustachian]

And just to present the other side of things - despite my minimalistic instincts, at the young age my kids are, I do still enjoy them having gifts from their grandparents to open up. The gifts tend to be a lot of drawing books/crayons and the like to play with, candy and things that we divvy out over the course of weeks if not months (but we now don't have to buy), clothes items like a new/bigger set of mittens, scarfs, etc., and a few plastic toy things that yes, they will likely use and get tired of, but they enjoy for awhile. One side does bigger gifts (i.e. a new bicycle/electric scooter, etc.), while the other side does many smaller individual gifts but usually ones that are useful, and it is fun to watch young kids tear up a lot of wrapping paper in excitement. The added bonus is we don't have to buy many of the consumables we would (my kids go through a crap ton of paper and drawings supplies/candy for treats and so on). I agree that they likely won't remember any individual gift, but I do think they'll remember the fun of opening up gifts on Christmas. It's taken a few years to get the hang of how to handle it (going ahead and separating things, knowing where to put unopened items that will be used but over time, being willing to immediately or very quickly donate anything that doesn't fit or for any particular reason needs to leave), and I wouldn't be upset if they got fewer gifts or college funds instead. However, it's what their grandparents like to do, and it's turned out to be not that bad for our situation.

ETA: My post was not to minimize anyone's frustration but to hopefully provide some thoughts if you do have someone who wants to give a lot of gifts. It can be manageable if you work with them on what they give, and there is some fun excitement from having more than just one or two gifts to open, especially if you have a kid younger than 10.

[Sandi_k]

To the posters recommending having them put money in a college fund, how do you handle this transaction? Is it a check made out to the kid? Made out to the parent? Some kind of bank transfer you set up? Do you have the grandparents create the accounts?

I set up an account for my nieces and nephew years ago at Schwab. It's a custodial Coverdell account, and I set up auto-transfers monthly from my checking account.

The oldest is heading for college next year. My $4k of contributions is now worth more than $9k. Enough to pay for one semester at a state school, so maybe not life-changing. But way better than $4k of crap through the years. (We have bought modest gifts, on the order of $40 per birthday and Xmas, per kid).

;)

[wageslave23]

I understand your frustration.  But I think there are bigger problems in the world.  At least they have a grandparent that cares about them.  At least they received gifts.  Let them play with one toy a week and then donate it afterwards if you don't want it around.   Not really something to stress over.

[Weisass]

Wow, and I thought my kids were over-gifted by my family.... it is tough to. break these habits, but if they won't listen to your requests, I think donation (and being very VOCAL that you did that) may be your best bet. Good luck!

[kevj1085]

I totally get what you're saying, I think every family member just wants to give the young ones something fun to open on the big day, which unfortunately turns into a good deal of excess. I like your idea on donation for the extras, but have you considered possibly hanging on to them and either using as a regift for the inevitable next kids birthday party your child goes to, or just storing them for a time your child earns something due to either hard work or good grades, etc? I'm just thinking of other options, but yours is of course great too.

[Kem]

This took 8 years to break some family of.  The vocalization of gifting to donations helped.   Telling the child as they opened a gift in front of the gifter that they'd have to go and remove a similar sized toy to donate or donate the gift itself helped a ton.   Now the worst offenders obtain 1 nice gift that's actually been requested by the child and usually 1 small activity.
.
All gifts once opened must be earned before they're allowed to play with them - that's been enforced per child since age 3.  The continued use of toys, games, etc must then be reearned.
.
We still have 1 offender - the MIL gave more gifts than all other family combined.  Not thoughtful... And the process was 100% about her including a few tantrums.

[DrinkCoffeeStackMoney]

Wow! 22 gifts for one kid. Crazy.

We usually buy my sister in laws four girls a Christmas dress and 5-6 gifts each every year. This is because up until this year they've been underemployed and couldn't afford to do a lot for the kids. This year we still bought the same amount but the parents went all out because they are in a much better financial situation now due to a new job. This resulted in mountains of gifts for each kid and they literally opened presents from 5:30am till 7:30am. TWO FLIPPING HOURS! We were at their house on Christmas morning and there wasn't even room to walk once everything was unwrapped and scattered about. It was insanity.
Next year if the parents are in the same financial situation we are cutting back to one dress and 1-2 gifts per child, because this year was just nuts.

[lakemom]

An entire 3 seat sofa, piled to the top.  We asked her to "reduce" and "limit" the giving, as we have a small, efficient house and our kid already has mountains of toys (he doesn't play with).  So, we get this...

He is going to get to pick his favorite 5, and the rest go to Toys of Tots.  She will be absolutely ENRAGED.

I have 4 grands...they each got ONE present from us for Christmas.  Some form of clock (either a kit or puzzle/learning toy based on age/ability) with 12 coupons for time spent with us for various activities (baking/hiking/sleepover/boating again based on their age in 2021).  The card read...the best gift of all is the gift of time. 

[lukebuz]

so...

I have a story for you this year!

Not exactly sure how many toys the original "22 gifts" offender is going to get this year - haven't been up there yet.  However, the other set of grandparents (my parents) did it this year.

Ready for this?

Without even asking us, they bought a 14-foot trampoline (the HUGE KIND) and said it was available for pickup anytime (direct from store).   NO FUCKING WAY.  I'm NOT FUCKING LOOKING AT A UGLY-ASS TRAMPOLINE IN MY YARD FOR THE NEXT DECADE!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

If I wanted to have to mow around, care for, clean, maintain and look at an ugly trampoline, we'd have bought one already.

I called them immediately, and said "thanks for the gift, but we will not be picking it up".  I mean, you at least have to get parent's permission before buying something like that.  It's almost as bad as buying someone a dog without talking to them first.

OH LORDY.

[AMandM]

HOLY COW!

All my sympathy, OP--and I say this as someone who owns and loves a 16-ft trampoline.

[wonkette]

Not trying to start a debate but my Dad was an emergency room physician and is prone to dark humor.  He calls trampolines moneymakers because of the many, many injuries he treated and refused to let my sister and I play on them growing up. Feel free to blame the refusal on your doctor's advice if it makes your life easier!

Can you "pick up" the item and then immediately return it for store credit?

[Wolfpack Mustachian]

so...

I have a story for you this year!

Not exactly sure how many toys the original "22 gifts" offender is going to get this year - haven't been up there yet.  However, the other set of grandparents (my parents) did it this year.

Ready for this?

Without even asking us, they bought a 14-foot trampoline (the HUGE KIND) and said it was available for pickup anytime (direct from store).   NO FUCKING WAY.  I'm NOT FUCKING LOOKING AT A UGLY-ASS TRAMPOLINE IN MY YARD FOR THE NEXT DECADE!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

If I wanted to have to mow around, care for, clean, maintain and look at an ugly trampoline, we'd have bought one already.

I called them immediately, and said "thanks for the gift, but we will not be picking it up".  I mean, you at least have to get parent's permission before buying something like that.  It's almost as bad as buying someone a dog without talking to them first.

OH LORDY.

That is pretty presumptuous. At some point, you're almost to the level of getting someone else an animal for a pet without asking. I've sort of almost had that happen, but thankfully it was only a fish.

[DaMa]

Not all grandparents!  Mine are almost 4, 14 months, and 11 months.  When I asked I say:

I don't buy gifts.  I just put money in their college savings.  I'd be surprised if any of my kids remember one gift their grandparents gave them before they were 10 years old.  But every one of them remembers and appreciates the money they had for college.  They will never forget that.
[/quote]


I really like this idea and think I will do this when I have my own grandchildren. Now the question is how much to invest so college is paid for. I mean you could do 5,000 per year for ages 1-10 and have a good base of 50000 to grow for the next 8 years but I don't know if that will be enough or will it be too much..??
[/quote]

That quote is mine.  My grandkids all have other grandparents who gift generously, so they have plenty of new toys.  I put $50 each for birthday and Christmas in a savings account at a local credit union that pays a $50 dividend every year.  (The interest is minimal.) This is theirs to do whatever they want with when they turn 18.  Other family members have also put money in.

I also have 529 plans for each, where I have an auto pay for $50 for birthday and Christmas.  I also started each 529 with $500 when they were born.  This year for the first time, I added more up to the max I can deduct on my state taxes .  These accounts are technically mine, and I could move the funds, or even withdraw them.  I do intend them for education only, and if one child doesn't go, the funds can be moved to another family member.  529s have very specific rules, so make sure that's really what you want.  I kept the amounts low until now, because I didn't know what I'd do if one didn't go to college. 

I do intend to give them a gift (a book) and cash (equal to their age) for their birthdays once they are 5.  I'm a reader, so I want to encourage reading.  My mom used to give my children their age in 1's in a card for their birthdays, and they loved that.

Hope that helps!

[teacherwithamustache]

Yall or your brother/sister or bro inlaw/sis inlaw need to have more kids.  Grandma has too much time on her hands =)

[zolotiyeruki]

Wow, lukebuz, you have my sympathies.  A freakin' trampoline?*  What this sounds like is an attempt to show love (or curry favor) with the grandkids, and in the pursuit of that goal, the parents' wishes/feelings/needs are completely irrelevant.

On a smaller scale, the first Christmas after DW and were married, my lovely mother gifted us a Willow Tree nativity.  Very nice, very expensive, very fashionable, ...and very much to my mother's taste.  But not to ours.  We were poor college students, living in a one-bedroom apartment, ...and already had a nativity.  We didn't need an extraordinarily expensive (to us) nativity, didn't like it (creepy faceless figurines!), and had nowhere to put it.  However, knowing that my mother took great care in her selection of gifts, I did not want to offend my mom.  So I called my dad and explained our predicament--"I know it means a lot to Mom, and it's really nice, and I know it's really expensive, but it's not to our taste, and we don't want to offend her, etc. What do you suggest?", implicitly hoping that he'd give us good advice without telling my mom.  Apparently, I was a bit too subtle, because he subsequently discussed it with Mom, and let us know we could return it to them.  I did so, naively thinking (I was 22, cut me some slack!) that they'd find another gift, or just drop the whole thing, and no harm done.  Nope.  Mom was terribly insulted, although she never admitted it.  Fortunately, a few years later, the burgeoning population of grandchildren reached the point where she was overwhelmed with the time and effort required to find just the right gift for each, and that's when she and Dad started sending money to their kids instead, with a note that basically said "We can't keep up any more, so please use this money to get something your family would enjoy."  We have gratefully done just that ever since, and made sure to tell Grandma and Grandpa how their generous gift is bringing delight to our family.

*We had a 14-foot trampoline growing up (this was in the early 90's), and it was an instant hit in the neighborhood.  I think two injuries resulted over the years, including a really nasty forearm fracture.  Eventually, the insurance company convinced my parents to get rid of it.