Author Topic: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?  (Read 29751 times)

profnot

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #150 on: January 03, 2019, 10:21:52 PM »
Just to throw out a few ideas -

One nice guy I knew really liked teenagers.  So he would have a foreign exchange student live with him every school year.  Usually a guy in 11th grade.  He has kept in touch with almost all the kids and travels to visit some of them.

Foreign exchange students would take up the school year.  In summer, you could travel.


Another idea is the Big Brother program.  My brother did this with boys age 9 - 12 and found it very rewarding.  (Turns out my brother got cancer and died at age 59.  His wife was handicapped and could not have taken care of a child - even a teen - if they had adopted. So I'm glad he did his fathering in this way.)


I think you said your siblings have kids.  You could take them traveling during the summers - such as take them one at a time during the summer between her/his sophmore and junior year of high school.  That could be a life-time trip for a teen.  You already have a life-long relationship with these kids - a trip would deepen it.  Or you could live abroad and have each kid come stay with you rather than stay in US.

One retired gal I know likes to go to the hospital and hold babies who need cuddling.  She does this three days a week when she is not traveling.


There are lots of kids needing parenting and lots of different ways of doing it.     



MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #151 on: January 03, 2019, 10:31:47 PM »
Just to throw out a few ideas -

One nice guy I knew really liked teenagers.  So he would have a foreign exchange student live with him every school year.  Usually a guy in 11th grade.  He has kept in touch with almost all the kids and travels to visit some of them.

Foreign exchange students would take up the school year.  In summer, you could travel.


Another idea is the Big Brother program.  My brother did this with boys age 9 - 12 and found it very rewarding.  (Turns out my brother got cancer and died at age 59.  His wife was handicapped and could not have taken care of a child - even a teen - if they had adopted. So I'm glad he did his fathering in this way.)


I think you said your siblings have kids.  You could take them traveling during the summers - such as take them one at a time during the summer between her/his sophmore and junior year of high school.  That could be a life-time trip for a teen.  You already have a life-long relationship with these kids - a trip would deepen it.  Or you could live abroad and have each kid come stay with you rather than stay in US.

One retired gal I know likes to go to the hospital and hold babies who need cuddling.  She does this three days a week when she is not traveling.


There are lots of kids needing parenting and lots of different ways of doing it.   

Great ideas, thanks for sharing.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #152 on: January 03, 2019, 10:34:43 PM »
What are your next few actionable steps toward your dream? (Besides save up money until August.)

1. Researching surrogacy places
2. Enrolling in a surrogacy conference
3. Health check
4. Research baby budgets and the how to strategize FIRE
5. Researching and creating a plan for how I would make this work in reality

Fields of Gold

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #153 on: January 04, 2019, 11:19:47 AM »
You've touched on the cost and its impact on FIREing.  Sounds like fatherhood has been a life priority for more than six years.  If it took 250k Australian dollars (and selling some of your investments) in various unsuccessful attempts, then you could delay retirement and not travel as much.  If a child were born after spending $250k, then you'd find a way to balance work and being a single parent.  The child would get to see your work ethic, and you could model how to successfully balance career and family time.




MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #154 on: January 04, 2019, 12:57:36 PM »
You've touched on the cost and its impact on FIREing.  Sounds like fatherhood has been a life priority for more than six years.  If it took 250k Australian dollars (and selling some of your investments) in various unsuccessful attempts, then you could delay retirement and not travel as much.  If a child were born after spending $250k, then you'd find a way to balance work and being a single parent.  The child would get to see your work ethic, and you could model how to successfully balance career and family time.

One of the best things about MMM is teaching me to run the numbers, something I never did before with my life. I’ve started to work on my baby budgets for 0-1, 1-5, 5+.  The numbers are staggering particularly because right now I don’t have a mortgage and the associated costs of home ownership, don’t have a car and all of those associated costs and don’t, obviously, pay for any childcare. I’ll keep renting, but I’ll need to have a car and need childcare from 1-5yo. That means my savings and investments will be a bit less than I had planned. I will most definitely have to work longer, unless the market goes wild again and I hit my target for FIRE quicker. That’s particularly annoying because where I live and work isn’t quite where I’d want to raise a kid, but I won’t make this money and have my great job anywhere else. So I have two options: either bite that bullet and deal if I have the kid as soon as possible, or wait 2 years and try for the kid? The latter option would reduce the time where I live and work but increase my age. With the former option I worry that if the kid spends too much time here then leaving might be more dramatic, and I also would like the kid fluent in another language natively, but where I live is English speaking, unless I only get au pairs from the countries I’d like the kid to be fluent in. More thinking required on this!

deborah

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #155 on: January 04, 2019, 02:10:36 PM »
If you live where I think you live, you shouldn’t need a car. If you plan to rent there, do the Mustashian thing, and work out where everything is for the child and rent in that location so you don’t need a car and can catch public transport to work. Your city is multicultural. You should be able to live in a multicultural community where the child will hear the language you want it imprinted on every day, where any baby sitter you want to hire speaks that language at home.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #156 on: January 04, 2019, 02:16:40 PM »
If you live where I think you live, you shouldn’t need a car. If you plan to rent there, do the Mustashian thing, and work out where everything is for the child and rent in that location so you don’t need a car and can catch public transport to work. Your city is multicultural. You should be able to live in a multicultural community where the child will hear the language you want it imprinted on every day, where any baby sitter you want to hire speaks that language at home.

I was thinking, do I really need a car? During the week I can’t imagine using one, so that leaves the weekends. I’d use it to take the kid to things but we could just as easy walk with a stroller. I guess I have that parent panic of, what if the kid gets sick and I have to rush it to the hospital? Even if I do Uber or taxis I’ll need to have a car seat I carry with me. The pre-school would b in walking distance.

MayDay

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #157 on: January 04, 2019, 06:17:20 PM »
Uber has a car seat option.

If you are going to do it,I would definitely do it NOW. Don't wait.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #158 on: January 04, 2019, 06:24:07 PM »
Uber has a car seat option.

If you are going to do it,I would definitely do it NOW. Don't wait.

Yeah, that would be great

MrUpwardlyMobile

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #159 on: January 04, 2019, 08:05:25 PM »
Uber has a car seat option.

If you are going to do it,I would definitely do it NOW. Don't wait.

Yeah, that would be great

Uber has a front facing child seat option that is not fit for infants under 12 months and not even recommended for children under 24 months.

https://help.uber.com/riders/article/uber-car-seat?nodeId=3abcbae1-132b-42a9-8277-0dab00fa3879

https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/AAP-Updates-Recommendations-on-Car-Seats-for-Children.aspx

deborah

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #160 on: January 04, 2019, 08:30:03 PM »
Uber doesn’t appear to have that service where OP lives, however there are several taxi companies that are specifically for babies and young children. Taxis are exempt if the child is under 7. As Ubers are not taxis, they aren’t exempt, so should decline the fare.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #161 on: January 06, 2019, 05:43:04 AM »
Well, geez, now I’m not feeling so great about this. I’ve contacted several surrogacy agencies, and well, all that’s fine. None of this will be easy or simple, but again, it’s all doable.  While I was doing my research though I discovered blogs by children conceived through surrogacy advocating against surrogacy. Their basic argument was that surrogacy was the selling of human life, and it removed children from the birth mother and their is a deep link of child to mother that occurs in the womb, and removing this causes trauma for the child that might not manifest fully for years. The children experience issues like some adopted kids, low self esteem, loss of identity, etc.

One person wrote the following: “Because somewhere between the narcissistic, selfish or desperate need for a child and the desire to make a buck, everyone else’s needs and wants are put before the kids needs. We, the children of surrogacy, become lost. That is the real tragedy. “

I’m haunted by this now. The kid wouldn’t know the donor mother, or the history or any information about siblings. I would never be able to give them that information. And I’ll never know how important that information would be. I would want to know. Hell, I hate the fact that I was circumcised without my consent as a baby, would the kid feel that it was wrong of me to bring it into the world knowing that it would never be able to know half of its genetic history?  I think if the donor was known and somehow involved, even if through sharing pictures and light communications, it would be different. I think there are ways to address these issues but not with what is available to me as a single man.

Someone earlier mentioned co-parenting, which I initially didn’t think would be right for me, but I can feel now, that ethically (my ethics only), it would be better than what I was contemplating.

I feel like everything is making it improbable to be a father and it crushes me as I know I would be a great one. I’m a bit bummed out as I thought I was making progress through this. I’m still going to attend the surrogacy conference but they don’t have the children of surrogacy as speakers. That’s a big miss, as the impact on the children and their sense of self should matter.

On one hand I’m quite sad about this, but on the other, glad my research revealed this information and I can make choices to not overly burden my kid. I’m starting to feel like I would be consciously adding so much weigh to the kid: child of a surrogate, single father raising, older parent, living in multiple countries, identity issues, lack of siblings, etc.

Although I know I’ve overcome so much, is that the life I want for my kid and how do I know it will cope, without some type of majoring suffering, especially because I wanted this so much and happened to have the money to make it happen?

This all feels so cruel.

sun and sand

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #162 on: January 06, 2019, 09:43:50 PM »
I feel for you. It sounds like you are thinking about having a child all the time. You seem certain that you would be a good dad. The most important part to being a good parent is being present in the moment. If you can do that, I say go for it. You do not know how long you will live. I adopted my second son at 44. I love him so much. I do not think that he minds that at 18 his mom is 63. I have a lot of energy and make sure I take fitness classes. One drawback is that I am retired and can not travel much as I would like to since he is a teenager and would rather be with his friends. Still, he goes to our beach house and to Spain where we have friends. I am a single mom and am so glad to have my two sons. At Christmas I had them both here and made a turkey.  Let us know your decision. Good luck!

Case

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #163 on: January 07, 2019, 11:26:52 AM »
Dude.

Kids get fucked up every day by all sorts of shit.
If not fucking up a kid was a valid reason not to have one, then no one should have kids.

Of course wanting a kid is selfish. You would be doing it because you WANT a kid. So what? Are kids that are accidents somehow more valid?
Also, I know two women who surrogate and they DO NOT do it for money. I'm sure that's a thing, but women who do it for the deep personal experience of giving someone a baby are also out there too, so....

Don't worry, you might be a great dad and do everything right and your kid could still end up an axe murderer. There's literally no predicting how your kid will turn out.

There's no "solve for x" here.

I repeat: if you will spend your life regretting not having a kid, then have a damn kid. A part of having a kid is knowing that shit might go very very wrong. That's a BIG part of the deal.

You can't just want a perfect, happy, healthy kid who has a great life. You have to also be ready for a kid who gets cancer, a fucked up kid, a kid who becomes a fucked up adult, a kid who dies, a kid who decides they hate you and never talks to you again, a kid who becomes a drug addict, a kid who is born with defects so severe they need 24hr care for life, etc, etc.

Yes.
You might go through all of this and not get the wonderful parenting experience that you hoped for.
That's parenting for you.
Only you can decide if you still want it despite all of the risks.

I take issue with your premise that having children should not be a rational choice (see one of your previous responses), but rather is a calling.  Raising a child not only effects you, but especially the child, and society as well.  Although there is some value in using gut instinct to decide if you really want a child or not, and this is indeed a highly important factor, this should not be the only factor.  Ensuring that the child has a reasonably promising future is certainly important, and I would argue at least equally important to your own personal urge to raise a child.  Because other people have to live with your choices too.  And simply feeling the calling to be a father is not enough.

Sure, a million different things might happen.  But I think the critical thing here is for the OP to decide if the cumulative risks related to 1) child-rearing in general, 2) his age, 3) his single status, 4) any other relevant things,... are too high or not.  And not just for his own self-focused interest in having a child, but for child as well.

Since these risks are not fully quantifiable, the best he can do is acknowledge that they are there.  And then try to make an educated choice on his own.  Simply making a choice because there is no other way to fulfill his need to raise a child, is insufficient in my opinion.  He is not the only one affected by the decision.

I don't know the answer to whether the situation he'd be putting a child into is too risky or not.  Certainly an average person (20s or 30s) having a child under average circumstances is not too high risk.  As people age, those risks go up.  Especially after age 35.  What if they OP was approaching 55 instead of 50?  What about 60?  70?  80?  At some point, fatherhood becomes ludicrous, because you're putting the child in a disastrous situation. 

To the OP, I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have a child for the reasons listed above.  Rather, I'm just suggesting you continue to think deeply about these things (clearly you already are thinking about them heavily), and not just make this an emotional choice.  Think rationally for the sake of your future child. 


I'm a red panda

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #164 on: January 07, 2019, 11:38:29 AM »
Well, geez, now I’m not feeling so great about this. I’ve contacted several surrogacy agencies, and well, all that’s fine. None of this will be easy or simple, but again, it’s all doable.  While I was doing my research though I discovered blogs by children conceived through surrogacy advocating against surrogacy. Their basic argument was that surrogacy was the selling of human life, and it removed children from the birth mother and their is a deep link of child to mother that occurs in the womb, and removing this causes trauma for the child that might not manifest fully for years. The children experience issues like some adopted kids, low self esteem, loss of identity, etc.

One person wrote the following: “Because somewhere between the narcissistic, selfish or desperate need for a child and the desire to make a buck, everyone else’s needs and wants are put before the kids needs. We, the children of surrogacy, become lost. That is the real tragedy. “

I’m haunted by this now. The kid wouldn’t know the donor mother, or the history or any information about siblings. I would never be able to give them that information. And I’ll never know how important that information would be. I would want to know. Hell, I hate the fact that I was circumcised without my consent as a baby, would the kid feel that it was wrong of me to bring it into the world knowing that it would never be able to know half of its genetic history?  I think if the donor was known and somehow involved, even if through sharing pictures and light communications, it would be different. I think there are ways to address these issues but not with what is available to me as a single man.

Someone earlier mentioned co-parenting, which I initially didn’t think would be right for me, but I can feel now, that ethically (my ethics only), it would be better than what I was contemplating.

I feel like everything is making it improbable to be a father and it crushes me as I know I would be a great one. I’m a bit bummed out as I thought I was making progress through this. I’m still going to attend the surrogacy conference but they don’t have the children of surrogacy as speakers. That’s a big miss, as the impact on the children and their sense of self should matter.

On one hand I’m quite sad about this, but on the other, glad my research revealed this information and I can make choices to not overly burden my kid. I’m starting to feel like I would be consciously adding so much weigh to the kid: child of a surrogate, single father raising, older parent, living in multiple countries, identity issues, lack of siblings, etc.

Although I know I’ve overcome so much, is that the life I want for my kid and how do I know it will cope, without some type of majoring suffering, especially because I wanted this so much and happened to have the money to make it happen?

This all feels so cruel.

This is good stuff for you to think about.
There are ethical issues to using a surrogate. There are ethical issues to adopting. There are ethical issues to biological children between couples. 

It's all very complicated, and you have to come to the conclusion yourself.

Metalcat

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #165 on: January 07, 2019, 12:43:32 PM »
Dude.

Kids get fucked up every day by all sorts of shit.
If not fucking up a kid was a valid reason not to have one, then no one should have kids.

Of course wanting a kid is selfish. You would be doing it because you WANT a kid. So what? Are kids that are accidents somehow more valid?
Also, I know two women who surrogate and they DO NOT do it for money. I'm sure that's a thing, but women who do it for the deep personal experience of giving someone a baby are also out there too, so....

Don't worry, you might be a great dad and do everything right and your kid could still end up an axe murderer. There's literally no predicting how your kid will turn out.

There's no "solve for x" here.

I repeat: if you will spend your life regretting not having a kid, then have a damn kid. A part of having a kid is knowing that shit might go very very wrong. That's a BIG part of the deal.

You can't just want a perfect, happy, healthy kid who has a great life. You have to also be ready for a kid who gets cancer, a fucked up kid, a kid who becomes a fucked up adult, a kid who dies, a kid who decides they hate you and never talks to you again, a kid who becomes a drug addict, a kid who is born with defects so severe they need 24hr care for life, etc, etc.

Yes.
You might go through all of this and not get the wonderful parenting experience that you hoped for.
That's parenting for you.
Only you can decide if you still want it despite all of the risks.

I take issue with your premise that having children should not be a rational choice (see one of your previous responses), but rather is a calling.  Raising a child not only effects you, but especially the child, and society as well.  Although there is some value in using gut instinct to decide if you really want a child or not, and this is indeed a highly important factor, this should not be the only factor.  Ensuring that the child has a reasonably promising future is certainly important, and I would argue at least equally important to your own personal urge to raise a child.  Because other people have to live with your choices too.  And simply feeling the calling to be a father is not enough.

Sure, a million different things might happen.  But I think the critical thing here is for the OP to decide if the cumulative risks related to 1) child-rearing in general, 2) his age, 3) his single status, 4) any other relevant things,... are too high or not.  And not just for his own self-focused interest in having a child, but for child as well.

Since these risks are not fully quantifiable, the best he can do is acknowledge that they are there.  And then try to make an educated choice on his own.  Simply making a choice because there is no other way to fulfill his need to raise a child, is insufficient in my opinion.  He is not the only one affected by the decision.

I don't know the answer to whether the situation he'd be putting a child into is too risky or not.  Certainly an average person (20s or 30s) having a child under average circumstances is not too high risk.  As people age, those risks go up.  Especially after age 35.  What if they OP was approaching 55 instead of 50?  What about 60?  70?  80?  At some point, fatherhood becomes ludicrous, because you're putting the child in a disastrous situation. 

To the OP, I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have a child for the reasons listed above.  Rather, I'm just suggesting you continue to think deeply about these things (clearly you already are thinking about them heavily), and not just make this an emotional choice.  Think rationally for the sake of your future child.

Everything I have said is under the presumption that OP has the capacity and means to provide a good life for a child. He's said this over and over and I'm offering my perspective based on that presupposition.

I don't personally think his age and marital status actually offer all that much in terms of risk to the health and well-being of a child. I think they are factors that make it much more risky for his own long term health and well being.

You may have a different opinion on that and think that those are significant risks. On that, we can just choose to disagree.

However, I can and will absolutely agree with you that if someone's situation is too risky to be able to reasonably predict that they will be able to provide a great life for a child, then no, they shouldn't have one just because they want to.

My point I was trying to make in my last post was that even if you do remove all known risks, you still can't guarantee that a child will turn out happy and healthy, and that's a serious possibility that even the best parental candidates need to consider before taking that leap.

Case

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #166 on: January 07, 2019, 01:50:32 PM »
Dude.

Kids get fucked up every day by all sorts of shit.
If not fucking up a kid was a valid reason not to have one, then no one should have kids.

Of course wanting a kid is selfish. You would be doing it because you WANT a kid. So what? Are kids that are accidents somehow more valid?
Also, I know two women who surrogate and they DO NOT do it for money. I'm sure that's a thing, but women who do it for the deep personal experience of giving someone a baby are also out there too, so....

Don't worry, you might be a great dad and do everything right and your kid could still end up an axe murderer. There's literally no predicting how your kid will turn out.

There's no "solve for x" here.

I repeat: if you will spend your life regretting not having a kid, then have a damn kid. A part of having a kid is knowing that shit might go very very wrong. That's a BIG part of the deal.

You can't just want a perfect, happy, healthy kid who has a great life. You have to also be ready for a kid who gets cancer, a fucked up kid, a kid who becomes a fucked up adult, a kid who dies, a kid who decides they hate you and never talks to you again, a kid who becomes a drug addict, a kid who is born with defects so severe they need 24hr care for life, etc, etc.

Yes.
You might go through all of this and not get the wonderful parenting experience that you hoped for.
That's parenting for you.
Only you can decide if you still want it despite all of the risks.

I take issue with your premise that having children should not be a rational choice (see one of your previous responses), but rather is a calling.  Raising a child not only effects you, but especially the child, and society as well.  Although there is some value in using gut instinct to decide if you really want a child or not, and this is indeed a highly important factor, this should not be the only factor.  Ensuring that the child has a reasonably promising future is certainly important, and I would argue at least equally important to your own personal urge to raise a child.  Because other people have to live with your choices too.  And simply feeling the calling to be a father is not enough.

Sure, a million different things might happen.  But I think the critical thing here is for the OP to decide if the cumulative risks related to 1) child-rearing in general, 2) his age, 3) his single status, 4) any other relevant things,... are too high or not.  And not just for his own self-focused interest in having a child, but for child as well.

Since these risks are not fully quantifiable, the best he can do is acknowledge that they are there.  And then try to make an educated choice on his own.  Simply making a choice because there is no other way to fulfill his need to raise a child, is insufficient in my opinion.  He is not the only one affected by the decision.

I don't know the answer to whether the situation he'd be putting a child into is too risky or not.  Certainly an average person (20s or 30s) having a child under average circumstances is not too high risk.  As people age, those risks go up.  Especially after age 35.  What if they OP was approaching 55 instead of 50?  What about 60?  70?  80?  At some point, fatherhood becomes ludicrous, because you're putting the child in a disastrous situation. 

To the OP, I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have a child for the reasons listed above.  Rather, I'm just suggesting you continue to think deeply about these things (clearly you already are thinking about them heavily), and not just make this an emotional choice.  Think rationally for the sake of your future child.

Everything I have said is under the presumption that OP has the capacity and means to provide a good life for a child. He's said this over and over and I'm offering my perspective based on that presupposition.

I don't personally think his age and marital status actually offer all that much in terms of risk to the health and well-being of a child. I think they are factors that make it much more risky for his own long term health and well being.

You may have a different opinion on that and think that those are significant risks. On that, we can just choose to disagree.

However, I can and will absolutely agree with you that if someone's situation is too risky to be able to reasonably predict that they will be able to provide a great life for a child, then no, they shouldn't have one just because they want to.

My point I was trying to make in my last post was that even if you do remove all known risks, you still can't guarantee that a child will turn out happy and healthy, and that's a serious possibility that even the best parental candidates need to consider before taking that leap.

Thanks for the discourse; cool that we can boil things down to root of disagreement and acknowledge it.  I appreciate that.

I am not certain whether his age is too much of a risk, but think it is a big concern because he is pretty far above some commonly recommended cut-offs.  If everyone in society started having kids at that age, it would no doubt be for the worse... and possibly significantly worse.  The deleterious effects of having children at old age are more well-published for women, but I think sperm get old too.

In terms of being single, I have zero concerns about his competency in being able to overcome fatigue/etc...  these are challenges but ones he seems likely to be able to overcome.  The bigger concern in my opinion is the lack of a safety net that a spouse provides, in the event that he dies, falls terribly ill, etc... (e.g. things that are more likely as you age).   So I do disagree with you there.

It's easy for people to chime in and say "well, I had a kid at 43 and everything turner out ok"; singular experiences don't matter as much as the statistics.  So my point is, based on the imperfect knowledge we are limited to, supplying the seed for a child when you are almost 50 brings some serious concern with it... but I wouldn't go so far as to say he shouldn't have a kid.  That part of the equation is for him to decide... part of his determination of the cumulative risk.  My goal is to shift the conversation away from individual potential outcomes, to more of a viewpoint of making an educated choice based on the approximate likelihood of outcomes.

To your last point (and some previous ones), my counter-statement is: I see your point, but the point I was intending is that regardless of that, the objective should be to determine if the chance of a good outcome for the child is reasonably good.

Perhaps a good illustration is as follows:
Let's compare MTD to some guy who has a child at a young age but doesn't really want to be a father.  I would agree that the drive/desire/calling to be a good father probably trumps MTD's age and single status, because having a father that doesn't want you is very likely to mess you up.  However, my point is that this example doesn't actually matter; MTD still needs to decide if having a child is overall a good thing for the child.  Examples of his situation being better than other terrible situations are not relevant; they are basically straw man arguments.

partgypsy

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #167 on: January 07, 2019, 02:04:37 PM »
I cannot speak for children of surrogate, but I would not let that weigh on you too much. Intentional child, accidental child, adopted child, child when too young, child when too old, there is always something to feed parental guilt!

The most important thing for a child is to be loved and be raised in a stable environment. I considered being an egg donor, or possibly a surrogate when in grad school, because a) it was a decent amount of money b) in my mind I thought I would be able to do this great thing, allow a couple who really wanted a child, to have a child. I didn't mind at all the idea my genetic material would be out there, as long as the child was raised in a loving home. The only reason I didn't do it, is that the procedures for stimulating and harvesting the eggs may impact future fertility, and I knew I wanted kids in the future (my Mom and sister dissuaded me when they told me that). Aside from that I did not have ethical concerns.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2019, 02:13:54 PM by partgypsy »

marion10

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #168 on: January 07, 2019, 02:26:52 PM »
I have two friends who became fathers later in life- one at age 50 and the other around 55 - they both have younger spouses. I would say right now, they are active engaged fathers who love their children very much- but they have the younger spouse as a safety net. I have another younger friend who is an only child and lost his father at about age 12 and then his mother at age 21. It has been very, very difficult for him (although he is finishing up his master's degree)- part of this (IMHO) due to his mother's denial about how ill she was and the estate was not in good shape.

Fields of Gold

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #169 on: January 07, 2019, 02:37:32 PM »
It's easy for people to chime in and say "well, I had a kid at 43 and everything turner out ok"; singular experiences don't matter as much as the statistics.  So my point is, based on the imperfect knowledge we are limited to, supplying the seed for a child when you are almost 50 brings some serious concern with it... but I wouldn't go so far as to say he shouldn't have a kid.  That part of the equation is for him to decide... part of his determination of the cumulative risk.  My goal is to shift the conversation away from individual potential outcomes, to more of a viewpoint of making an educated choice based on the approximate likelihood of outcomes.

OP answered that he had his sperm professionally evaluated and they were cleared.  The embryos are also evaluated and carefully selected as part of the surrogacy process.

I'm a red panda

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #170 on: January 07, 2019, 02:49:57 PM »
It's easy for people to chime in and say "well, I had a kid at 43 and everything turner out ok"; singular experiences don't matter as much as the statistics.  So my point is, based on the imperfect knowledge we are limited to, supplying the seed for a child when you are almost 50 brings some serious concern with it... but I wouldn't go so far as to say he shouldn't have a kid.  That part of the equation is for him to decide... part of his determination of the cumulative risk.  My goal is to shift the conversation away from individual potential outcomes, to more of a viewpoint of making an educated choice based on the approximate likelihood of outcomes.

OP answered that he had his sperm professionally evaluated and they were cleared.  The embryos are also evaluated and carefully selected as part of the surrogacy process.

That isn't going to do anything to look for de novo genetic anomalies, which happen at a greater rate with age.
There is no such thing as "clearing sperm", since it is produced continuously and only a very small subset can ever be looked at.  They can evaluate for risk factors, but that's it.


Yes, pre-implantation genetic testing can be done; but when a full cycle goes through, and all the embryos are abnormal; you still have to pay. (Not to mention a perfect embryo doesn't necessarily mean implantation will happen, or a pregnancy will carry to term). OP has replied that going through all that money without a child would be very upsetting to him.   

Venturing

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #171 on: January 08, 2019, 12:08:41 AM »
My husband has walked a similar path to you; this is our story.

My husband had turned 50 and still had never met the right girl and never had children. When my husband was 54 his father passed away. His father said that his one regret for my husband was that he had never had children as he knew that my husband would be an amazing dad. My husband had never considered other routes to parenthood but had accepted the awesome uncle role.

Six weeks later I (then 26) years old started a new job and met an older man there that I quite fancied...... 7 years and 4 kids later my husband's world has been turned upside down ;)

Plenty of people thought I was mad for marrying somebody so much older than me. Realistically I may outlive him by decades. But I decided back then that I would much rather have a shorter marriage to a man I love than not to have that marriage at all. The same applies to our parenting. He may not be in our children's lives for as long as he would like to be but he's an amazing dad while he is (and if he takes after his own parents then our children will fly the nest well before he goes).

People lose spouses and parents far earlier than they expect for any number of reasons. I'm not going to live my life from a place of fear. I believe in working out what you really want and enjoying it while you can. By all means take sensible measures (decide on a guardian, build strong support networks and set aside some money) but it sounds to me like you know what it is you really want to do.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #172 on: January 08, 2019, 12:46:54 AM »
My husband has walked a similar path to you; this is our story.

My husband had turned 50 and still had never met the right girl and never had children. When my husband was 54 his father passed away. His father said that his one regret for my husband was that he had never had children as he knew that my husband would be an amazing dad. My husband had never considered other routes to parenthood but had accepted the awesome uncle role.

Six weeks later I (then 26) years old started a new job and met an older man there that I quite fancied...... 7 years and 4 kids later my husband's world has been turned upside down ;)

Plenty of people thought I was mad for marrying somebody so much older than me. Realistically I may outlive him by decades. But I decided back then that I would much rather have a shorter marriage to a man I love than not to have that marriage at all. The same applies to our parenting. He may not be in our children's lives for as long as he would like to be but he's an amazing dad while he is (and if he takes after his own parents then our children will fly the nest well before he goes).

People lose spouses and parents far earlier than they expect for any number of reasons. I'm not going to live my life from a place of fear. I believe in working out what you really want and enjoying it while you can. By all means take sensible measures (decide on a guardian, build strong support networks and set aside some money) but it sounds to me like you know what it is you really want to do.

You made me cry.  Thank you.

NUF

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #173 on: January 08, 2019, 12:37:38 PM »
I've been reading along and keep thinking of the following:  https://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

I don't have any advice but want you to know that I appreciate how thoughtful you're being about this decision. I wish you peace in whatever decision you make and also in grieving the end of your marriage. Best of luck.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #174 on: January 11, 2019, 02:22:24 AM »
Thanks again everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts, it’s meant so much to me. I had been feeling a bit down after reading those blogs and started to move away from the idea a bit. However, I’m committed to the research and investigation plan I’ve created for myself.  Today I met with a father who just had his 11 week old sone through surrogacy.  The father is only a couple years younger than myself. He shared so much information, particularly about how I can keep the birth mother or tummy mummy in my chikd’s life. He let me hold his son and I was like, yes, this, this is what I want. I shared my fears and concerns and he shared his perspective. He definitely made me feel more confident about it all. He also made clear I’d be looking at a bit more than $100k, which, quite frankly, is fine. I still have more research to do and I’m by no means settled on a path, but at least I have options to address the concerns raised by the blogger.

socaso

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #175 on: January 11, 2019, 02:40:09 PM »
I say do it. I love my kid so much. I knew I wanted to be a parent when I was still a kid myself (probably about 14) and I did a lot of this and that and finally had my kid when I was 37. It's worth everything. It'll be more challenging on your own but you know that as you were raised in a single parent household.

There is a great book by Jennifer Grant called "Good Stuff" that has a lot of sweet stories of her childhood with her father, Cary Grant. He was in his 60's when she was born and he devoted himself to her. It really made me change my mind on what age a parent should be.

Just make sure you have the financials lined up, life insurance if you need it, who will be the guardian if anything happens to you. That sort of thing.

Good luck, there's nothing like the love you will have for your child.

Hula Hoop

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #176 on: January 12, 2019, 02:57:51 AM »
socaso - that book sounds like it would be a great gift for my husband, who was 46 and 49 when our kids were born.  He is an excellent dad.  Nothing to do with age - he also would have been a great dad if he'd had kids in his 20s.  He just loves kids and spends hours playing with them.  Way more patience than me, in fact.

I agree with the others - it's going to have some very tough moments, particularly in the beginning.  But with only one kid and enough money and family help being a single parent by choice is totally do-able IMO.  Go for it - but do it soon.

MayDay

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #177 on: January 29, 2019, 05:21:00 AM »
I can't remember the exact name of it, but there is a trauma theory that I think it pretty well accepted now.  Basically every traumatic thing that happens to a baby/kid adds up.  And babies/kids are resilient so they can deal with a few of them happening.  Separation from the birth mother is one of those traumas. 

That isn't to say you shouldn't do it, but you should be aware that YES it is traumatic.  So what can you do to minimize the other traumas and help them work through this trauma? 

DadJokes

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #178 on: January 29, 2019, 10:47:48 AM »
This may have been covered, but why not reach your FIRE number, then save another 100k and go with the surrogacy option then? It would at best add a couple years to your retirement date, and you would have the ability to spend all your time with the child as you want to.

LadyMaWhiskers

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #179 on: January 29, 2019, 11:23:52 AM »
I can't remember the exact name of it, but there is a trauma theory that I think it pretty well accepted now.  Basically every traumatic thing that happens to a baby/kid adds up.  And babies/kids are resilient so they can deal with a few of them happening.  Separation from the birth mother is one of those traumas. 

That isn't to say you shouldn't do it, but you should be aware that YES it is traumatic.  So what can you do to minimize the other traumas and help them work through this trauma?

Robert Zapolsky has some good lectures on YouTube about this (search depression).

Captain FIRE

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #180 on: January 29, 2019, 12:32:49 PM »
You mention the availability of family support a lot.  Please have crystal clear, can't be misunderstood, concrete conversations with those family members, to be certain on both sides what support they anticipate offering.  Obviously things can change, such if they have a health issue, but at least this way you have an idea about the "maximum" help and if your ideas match up. 

My folks were always pressuring us to have kids.  Based on the way they talked about grandkids and the fact that my sister, her husband and son lived with them for 2 years when my nephew was young, where they helped out a ton, we foolishly assumed that my folks would want to help us too.  However, this turned out to be completely wrong.  They rarely visit, but expect us to do so.  When there, they never offer that we go have a date night/walk outside together/sleep in one morning, etc while they watch my son.  Except under rare circumstances, they won't even play alone with my son either without one of us joining in.  (They also think at not quite 2 that he should play by himself a lot more than he does.)  It's frankly exhausting visiting their house, because they still expect the same amount of "help" around the house (e.g. doing dishes, setting/clearing table, assisting with cooking, taking care of their odds & ends projects, etc.) as when we visited before kid, don't toddler proof the house at all so we have to actively follow him around the house so he doesn't break something/hurt himself, and remembering to pack everything we might possible need into the car is a pain (as one small example, my mom will buy preferred drinks for everyone in the family, including lactose-free milk for another family member, but not whole milk for my son so we need to remember to bring up a sufficient supply and keep it cold).  It's weird.  It's not what we expected, but fortunately we weren't reliant on this help.  Once he turns ~5, it'll be a lot easier to visit I think because he'll be more independent. 

FWIW, before kids I thought I had plenty of energy for kids and dismissed my husband's concerns about energy.  Now, I'm exhausted a lot of the time, which wears on you in so many other ways.  We're 39/43 and trying for another so I'm not anti-older parents, but I am concerned that you aren't weighing this concern expressed by multiple parents sufficiently.  My strong recommendation is that if you are going to do it, start now as the process may take a while and your energy and health is only likely to drop.  Kids can learn new languages even after 5; I have several friends completely fluent in English who moved here age ~10.  And as you mentioned, you can always get a cultural au pair earlier on.

In terms of health, get a check up now definitely, particularly as you flagged some specific concerns for you, but also know that can change at any time.  My dad had a clean checkup just a week before his heart attack 15 years ago.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #181 on: January 29, 2019, 12:39:19 PM »
I can't remember the exact name of it, but there is a trauma theory that I think it pretty well accepted now.  Basically every traumatic thing that happens to a baby/kid adds up.  And babies/kids are resilient so they can deal with a few of them happening.  Separation from the birth mother is one of those traumas. 

That isn't to say you shouldn't do it, but you should be aware that YES it is traumatic.  So what can you do to minimize the other traumas and help them work through this trauma?

Yes, I’ve done some research on this and one way to address is to try and connect with the birth mother and the the donor, if possible.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #182 on: January 29, 2019, 12:42:02 PM »
This may have been covered, but why not reach your FIRE number, then save another 100k and go with the surrogacy option then? It would at best add a couple years to your retirement date, and you would have the ability to spend all your time with the child as you want to.

If I was a bit younger it be fine but I started the FIRE journey late too. I’ll hit FIRE around 52 for me as a single person but I’d be 55 to hit the number I’d want for being a single parent. 55 is definitely too late to start having kids as a single person so that won’t work.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #183 on: January 29, 2019, 12:53:47 PM »
You mention the availability of family support a lot.  Please have crystal clear, can't be misunderstood, concrete conversations with those family members, to be certain on both sides what support they anticipate offering.  Obviously things can change, such if they have a health issue, but at least this way you have an idea about the "maximum" help and if your ideas match up. 

My folks were always pressuring us to have kids.  Based on the way they talked about grandkids and the fact that my sister, her husband and son lived with them for 2 years when my nephew was young, where they helped out a ton, we foolishly assumed that my folks would want to help us too.  However, this turned out to be completely wrong.  They rarely visit, but expect us to do so.  When there, they never offer that we go have a date night/walk outside together/sleep in one morning, etc while they watch my son.  Except under rare circumstances, they won't even play alone with my son either without one of us joining in.  (They also think at not quite 2 that he should play by himself a lot more than he does.)  It's frankly exhausting visiting their house, because they still expect the same amount of "help" around the house (e.g. doing dishes, setting/clearing table, assisting with cooking, taking care of their odds & ends projects, etc.) as when we visited before kid, don't toddler proof the house at all so we have to actively follow him around the house so he doesn't break something/hurt himself, and remembering to pack everything we might possible need into the car is a pain (as one small example, my mom will buy preferred drinks for everyone in the family, including lactose-free milk for another family member, but not whole milk for my son so we need to remember to bring up a sufficient supply and keep it cold).  It's weird.  It's not what we expected, but fortunately we weren't reliant on this help.  Once he turns ~5, it'll be a lot easier to visit I think because he'll be more independent. 

FWIW, before kids I thought I had plenty of energy for kids and dismissed my husband's concerns about energy.  Now, I'm exhausted a lot of the time, which wears on you in so many other ways.  We're 39/43 and trying for another so I'm not anti-older parents, but I am concerned that you aren't weighing this concern expressed by multiple parents sufficiently.  My strong recommendation is that if you are going to do it, start now as the process may take a while and your energy and health is only likely to drop.  Kids can learn new languages even after 5; I have several friends completely fluent in English who moved here age ~10.  And as you mentioned, you can always get a cultural au pair earlier on.

In terms of health, get a check up now definitely, particularly as you flagged some specific concerns for you, but also know that can change at any time.  My dad had a clean checkup just a week before his heart attack 15 years ago.

Thanks. I know exactly what you mean. The help I’m looking for with family would mostly be that first year. I’ll be on paternity leave and living with my family or near for 6 months to a year. Still, night feedings will all be on me.

I hear what you’re saying about energy and that’s something I’m thinking about. It’s clear that I’ll need a nanny, it’ll be too much for an au pair. I’m ok with that, except it will mean that FIRE goals will be delayed more, which may not be too bad. I want to travel and live in different countries with the kid, and traveling at 6 or 7 would probably be easier.

I still am not sure what I’m going to do. I’ve got some more meetings to discuss this and look at everything.

ysette9

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #184 on: January 29, 2019, 12:57:40 PM »
I really hope that the OP has a baby vis surrogacy because I think he will be a great parent. The thought and care and desire and planning is all already more than 90% of parents out there do before having a baby.

I feel like there is this extra burden of justifying your worthiness as a potential parent for people who don’t get free sex babies. And yet now many quasi-qualified or not-at-all qualified people make babies every day and then stumble through parenthood with little judgement?

And if you do go down the surrogacy route, come check us out in the Fertility, Baby, and Pregnancy Chat in the journals section. There are people there who are trying and making their families in all sorts of different ways.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #185 on: January 29, 2019, 01:08:30 PM »
I really hope that the OP has a baby vis surrogacy because I think he will be a great parent. The thought and care and desire and planning is all already more than 90% of parents out there do before having a baby.

I feel like there is this extra burden of justifying your worthiness as a potential parent for people who don’t get free sex babies. And yet now many quasi-qualified or not-at-all qualified people make babies every day and then stumble through parenthood with little judgement?

And if you do go down the surrogacy route, come check us out in the Fertility, Baby, and Pregnancy Chat in the journals section. There are people there who are trying and making their families in all sorts of different ways.

Thank you for that! I have to admit I work on managing my annoyance at how many people have children so easily, without thought or planning and don’t get get scrutinized. I know where it’s coming from and it’ll make me a better parent if it happens, but sheesh, it’d be a better world if others put this much thought into having kids.

Mrs. Green

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #186 on: January 29, 2019, 01:29:27 PM »
I can relate to your situation in two very direct ways, but not sure if it will be helpful.

1.   I have twin boys via a surrogate (my sister). My ex husband was not helpful and we divorced (long story) where I became a single mom. Doing it alone is very hard.

2.  I ened up marrying a man (a very, very good man) who is your age and 11 years older than me. Long story short, he ended up adopting my son's. He is 52 with 12 year old boys... a dad! :)

PS: I have done all of this while working from home as essentially an at home parent to my boys. Also hard but very much worth it

Should you go the surrogacy route in the US and you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out.

Big hugs to you!

Sent from my SM-S727VL using Tapatalk


MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #187 on: January 29, 2019, 06:41:49 PM »
I can relate to your situation in two very direct ways, but not sure if it will be helpful.

1.   I have twin boys via a surrogate (my sister). My ex husband was not helpful and we divorced (long story) where I became a single mom. Doing it alone is very hard.

2.  I ened up marrying a man (a very, very good man) who is your age and 11 years older than me. Long story short, he ended up adopting my son's. He is 52 with 12 year old boys... a dad! :)

PS: I have done all of this while working from home as essentially an at home parent to my boys. Also hard but very much worth it

Should you go the surrogacy route in the US and you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out.

Big hugs to you!

Sent from my SM-S727VL using Tapatalk

Thank you for sharing!

Padonak

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #188 on: January 29, 2019, 07:44:46 PM »
Here is what I would do if I were you, OP (keeping in mind that you are open to relocating to other, low cost countries when you FIRE).

1. Accelerate your path to FIRE either by increasing income or reducing current and future expenses. Alternatively, take a long sabbatical with an option to return to work or find another job if need be.
2. More to a low cost country. For example, the Philippines (main reasons: LCOL country, easy to get a long term visa, many women want to have children with somebody who will take responsibility and not run away, age gap b/w farther and mother is less of a concern).
3. Get situated there and find a woman you want to have a child with (not necessarily a future wife, but that's an option as well).
--Take your time to find the right woman, obviously don't pick the first one that likes you.
--Be open and honest about your intentions: you are looking for a future mother of your child, will take care of the child and help the mother, but will not be a walking wallet for her big family.
--If you find the right one, have a child with her, maybe more than one. If not, stay childless.

The good thing about this plan is its flexibility. Do you prefer your future child to be of a particular ethnicity/culture? Pick a country accordingly. Worried about getting divorced and losing your assets you worked so hard to accumulate? Don't get married, just have a child and take care of him/her and the mother. Feel like getting married and bringing the family back home? You can do it at any point. Worried about being too old to take care of your child? In a more traditional society, this is less of a concern for fathers (e.g. if you have money, hire a maid for cheap, etc).

The biggest risk with this plan is finding the wrong woman to have a child with. Which is why I would tread carefully, take it slow, talk to other successful expat men who live in the same country and have children with local women.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 08:02:59 PM by Padonak »

Lightfoot

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #189 on: January 29, 2019, 09:11:52 PM »
On age, I know some in this string are saying its irresponsible to be a single parent at your age, but you know yourself and how healthy you are, and there are responsible things you should do to ensure the kid can grow up. You'll need to have your final arrangements in place, arrange for someone to take care of the kid if you were to pass, get enough life insurance to get the kid from birth to college if you were to go early. Set up a trust for your assets so you can pass them directly to the kid for their use.

You'll be like my father who saw his youngest go to college when he was 74, saw my brother graduate at 78, and now over 80 still has 15 more years left in him. So being a parent later in life is completely doable, and can be super rewarding. My dad was glad he waited as he's admitted he be a horrible parent if he'd has me and my brother earlier in his life.

mbl

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #190 on: January 30, 2019, 05:45:05 AM »
The only aspect that I would comment on that generates concern is whether the birth mother/surrogate would be around to nurse the baby and nurture it in infancy.   I realize that many infants aren't breastfed and many don't have their mother present but to intentionally exclude that part of the bonding, feeding and mothering for lack of a better word, would seem sad to me.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #191 on: January 30, 2019, 06:02:20 AM »
Here is what I would do if I were you, OP (keeping in mind that you are open to relocating to other, low cost countries when you FIRE).

1. Accelerate your path to FIRE either by increasing income or reducing current and future expenses. Alternatively, take a long sabbatical with an option to return to work or find another job if need be.
2. More to a low cost country. For example, the Philippines (main reasons: LCOL country, easy to get a long term visa, many women want to have children with somebody who will take responsibility and not run away, age gap b/w farther and mother is less of a concern).
3. Get situated there and find a woman you want to have a child with (not necessarily a future wife, but that's an option as well).
--Take your time to find the right woman, obviously don't pick the first one that likes you.
--Be open and honest about your intentions: you are looking for a future mother of your child, will take care of the child and help the mother, but will not be a walking wallet for her big family.
--If you find the right one, have a child with her, maybe more than one. If not, stay childless.

The good thing about this plan is its flexibility. Do you prefer your future child to be of a particular ethnicity/culture? Pick a country accordingly. Worried about getting divorced and losing your assets you worked so hard to accumulate? Don't get married, just have a child and take care of him/her and the mother. Feel like getting married and bringing the family back home? You can do it at any point. Worried about being too old to take care of your child? In a more traditional society, this is less of a concern for fathers (e.g. if you have money, hire a maid for cheap, etc).

The biggest risk with this plan is finding the wrong woman to have a child with. Which is why I would tread carefully, take it slow, talk to other successful expat men who live in the same country and have children with local women.

Umm, thanks for the thought but this doesn’t seem doable. Primarily, having a baby as a foreigner leaves me extremely vulnerable. If it doesn’t work out with the mother I would be fighting a custody battle I’d most likely lose. That would be devastating and I would never one a child used to blackmail me. Way too risky.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #192 on: January 30, 2019, 06:05:05 AM »
The only aspect that I would comment on that generates concern is whether the birth mother/surrogate would be around to nurse the baby and nurture it in infancy.   I realize that many infants aren't breastfed and many don't have their mother present but to intentionally exclude that part of the bonding, feeding and mothering for lack of a better word, would seem sad to me.

I wasn’t breastfed. Neither were any siblings or cousins or parents. Lots of people I grew up with weren’t breastfed. I have friends who can’t breastfeed for various reasons. I would still feed the kid and we’d bond. I’ve been told there are also milk banks, but formula will be fine and has its own advantages.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #193 on: January 30, 2019, 06:05:35 AM »
On age, I know some in this string are saying its irresponsible to be a single parent at your age, but you know yourself and how healthy you are, and there are responsible things you should do to ensure the kid can grow up. You'll need to have your final arrangements in place, arrange for someone to take care of the kid if you were to pass, get enough life insurance to get the kid from birth to college if you were to go early. Set up a trust for your assets so you can pass them directly to the kid for their use.

You'll be like my father who saw his youngest go to college when he was 74, saw my brother graduate at 78, and now over 80 still has 15 more years left in him. So being a parent later in life is completely doable, and can be super rewarding. My dad was glad he waited as he's admitted he be a horrible parent if he'd has me and my brother earlier in his life.

Thanks for sharing.

mbl

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #194 on: January 30, 2019, 06:11:55 AM »
The only aspect that I would comment on that generates concern is whether the birth mother/surrogate would be around to nurse the baby and nurture it in infancy.   I realize that many infants aren't breastfed and many don't have their mother present but to intentionally exclude that part of the bonding, feeding and mothering for lack of a better word, would seem sad to me.

I wasn’t breastfed. Neither were any siblings or cousins or parents. Lots of people I grew up with weren’t breastfed. I have friends who can’t breastfeed for various reasons. I would still feed the kid and we’d bond. I’ve been told there are also milk banks, but formula will be fine and has its own advantages.

I also meant and obviously didn't express this well, that excluding a mother from the infant's life, intentionally due to your current situation, seems sad to me.
Again, JMHO.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #195 on: January 30, 2019, 12:13:46 PM »
The only aspect that I would comment on that generates concern is whether the birth mother/surrogate would be around to nurse the baby and nurture it in infancy.   I realize that many infants aren't breastfed and many don't have their mother present but to intentionally exclude that part of the bonding, feeding and mothering for lack of a better word, would seem sad to me.

I wasn’t breastfed. Neither were any siblings or cousins or parents. Lots of people I grew up with weren’t breastfed. I have friends who can’t breastfeed for various reasons. I would still feed the kid and we’d bond. I’ve been told there are also milk banks, but formula will be fine and has its own advantages.

I also meant and obviously didn't express this well, that excluding a mother from the infant's life, intentionally due to your current situation, seems sad to me.
Again, JMHO.

Sure. There’s lots of things that are sad: infertility, losing babies, marriages crumbling under the weight, watching families with 2 parents hurt and abuse children, men abandoning women and letting children grow up fatherless, etc. I could wallow in the sadness or I could do act. I could look at how to get the tummy mummy involved, or ensure there are plenty of women around who love my kid, and ensure I love my kid and I’m present the child every day. I can do something about the sadness. Will life be perfect? Nope, no one gets a perfect life. No one. I can choose to the best parent I can be every day. That’s what matters.

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #196 on: January 30, 2019, 12:27:17 PM »
The only aspect that I would comment on that generates concern is whether the birth mother/surrogate would be around to nurse the baby and nurture it in infancy.   I realize that many infants aren't breastfed and many don't have their mother present but to intentionally exclude that part of the bonding, feeding and mothering for lack of a better word, would seem sad to me.

I wasn’t breastfed. Neither were any siblings or cousins or parents. Lots of people I grew up with weren’t breastfed. I have friends who can’t breastfeed for various reasons. I would still feed the kid and we’d bond. I’ve been told there are also milk banks, but formula will be fine and has its own advantages.

I also meant and obviously didn't express this well, that excluding a mother from the infant's life, intentionally due to your current situation, seems sad to me.
Again, JMHO.

Sure. There’s lots of things that are sad: infertility, losing babies, marriages crumbling under the weight, watching families with 2 parents hurt and abuse children, men abandoning women and letting children grow up fatherless, etc. I could wallow in the sadness or I could do act. I could look at how to get the tummy mummy involved, or ensure there are plenty of women around who love my kid, and ensure I love my kid and I’m present the child every day. I can do something about the sadness. Will life be perfect? Nope, no one gets a perfect life. No one. I can choose to the best parent I can be every day. That’s what matters.

A-fuckin-men

For some reason, you are being held to a higher standard than most people who choose to reproduce P-in-V style.

I've seen countless cases of people having babies in circumstances that would be considered "sad" or "tragic" and yet nobody really thinks much of it because babies were conceived in loooooooooooooove or whatever. 

Bitches gonna judge.

Be a crazy good dad, hope your kid doesn't end up a serial killer or something, and don't worry too much about the opinions of people on the internet.
Sane parents don't do that...they just feel guilty about everything in general...always...yeah...you're kind of fucked.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #197 on: January 30, 2019, 02:33:41 PM »
The only aspect that I would comment on that generates concern is whether the birth mother/surrogate would be around to nurse the baby and nurture it in infancy.   I realize that many infants aren't breastfed and many don't have their mother present but to intentionally exclude that part of the bonding, feeding and mothering for lack of a better word, would seem sad to me.

I wasn’t breastfed. Neither were any siblings or cousins or parents. Lots of people I grew up with weren’t breastfed. I have friends who can’t breastfeed for various reasons. I would still feed the kid and we’d bond. I’ve been told there are also milk banks, but formula will be fine and has its own advantages.

I also meant and obviously didn't express this well, that excluding a mother from the infant's life, intentionally due to your current situation, seems sad to me.
Again, JMHO.

Sure. There’s lots of things that are sad: infertility, losing babies, marriages crumbling under the weight, watching families with 2 parents hurt and abuse children, men abandoning women and letting children grow up fatherless, etc. I could wallow in the sadness or I could do act. I could look at how to get the tummy mummy involved, or ensure there are plenty of women around who love my kid, and ensure I love my kid and I’m present the child every day. I can do something about the sadness. Will life be perfect? Nope, no one gets a perfect life. No one. I can choose to the best parent I can be every day. That’s what matters.

A-fuckin-men

For some reason, you are being held to a higher standard than most people who choose to reproduce P-in-V style.

I've seen countless cases of people having babies in circumstances that would be considered "sad" or "tragic" and yet nobody really thinks much of it because babies were conceived in loooooooooooooove or whatever. 

Bitches gonna judge.

Be a crazy good dad, hope your kid doesn't end up a serial killer or something, and don't worry too much about the opinions of people on the internet.
Sane parents don't do that...they just feel guilty about everything in general...always...yeah...you're kind of fucked.

Lol, thanks. Seeing how a lot of serial killers come from traditional 2 parent homes, I’ve got a pretty good chance mine should beat the odds. ;-)

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #198 on: January 30, 2019, 04:08:20 PM »
I opened up Facebook yesterday to see the sad news that an old high school friend is dying from an inoperable blood clot on his brain.  I haven't seen him for over 30 years in person, but he was one of the biggest, most joyful personalities I ever encountered.  And I watched him meet and marry his lovely wife and raise their young daughter (she is only 4 now) over the past few years on Facebook, and that was clearly the most joyous period of his life.  I can't believe how much pain they must be in to lose him.  But they had him, and he them, for those beautiful years.

My own dad died at age 52.  Yes, the loss is unbearable, but loss is part of life.

I hope you have a child, and cherish them.

How horrible. No one is promised tomorrow, so yes, make the most out of today.

mbl

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Re: $100k to be a single dad or travel the world?
« Reply #199 on: January 31, 2019, 07:02:03 AM »
The only aspect that I would comment on that generates concern is whether the birth mother/surrogate would be around to nurse the baby and nurture it in infancy.   I realize that many infants aren't breastfed and many don't have their mother present but to intentionally exclude that part of the bonding, feeding and mothering for lack of a better word, would seem sad to me.

I wasn’t breastfed. Neither were any siblings or cousins or parents. Lots of people I grew up with weren’t breastfed. I have friends who can’t breastfeed for various reasons. I would still feed the kid and we’d bond. I’ve been told there are also milk banks, but formula will be fine and has its own advantages.

I also meant and obviously didn't express this well, that excluding a mother from the infant's life, intentionally due to your current situation, seems sad to me.
Again, JMHO.

Sure. There’s lots of things that are sad: infertility, losing babies, marriages crumbling under the weight, watching families with 2 parents hurt and abuse children, men abandoning women and letting children grow up fatherless, etc. I could wallow in the sadness or I could do act. I could look at how to get the tummy mummy involved, or ensure there are plenty of women around who love my kid, and ensure I love my kid and I’m present the child every day. I can do something about the sadness. Will life be perfect? Nope, no one gets a perfect life. No one. I can choose to the best parent I can be every day. That’s what matters.

A-fuckin-men

For some reason, you are being held to a higher standard than most people who choose to reproduce P-in-V style.

I've seen countless cases of people having babies in circumstances that would be considered "sad" or "tragic" and yet nobody really thinks much of it because babies were conceived in loooooooooooooove or whatever. 

Bitches gonna judge.

Be a crazy good dad, hope your kid doesn't end up a serial killer or something, and don't worry too much about the opinions of people on the internet.
Sane parents don't do that...they just feel guilty about everything in general...always...yeah...you're kind of fucked.

From the OP:
"Anyways, love your thoughts, but please be gentle as this is quite personal and sensitive and I’m not looking at getting into an argument with anyone. If you can’t have kids and you want them, it sucks so much you wouldn’t believe it. "

The OP asked for thoughts.  I didn't attack him, I didn't curse at him, I didn't denigrate him.  I gave my thoughts.
The opinion, or judgement or thoughts, as he included above was how he was framing the discussion.

Now, obviously, he doesn't agree and perhaps doesn't want to hear any thoughts that might point out a downside such as that which I shared.
But, he has opened it up in a public forum and is bound to get opinions that are different than his own.
Again, I constructed my response as respectfully as possible considering that I was presenting something that is what I consider a major flaw in his plan.
A pre-meditated choice.   Not equivalent to some of the examples that he gave which are circumstances often well beyond the control of the individual(loss of a child, infertility, domestic abuse, death, etc....)

I would hope that one could have a reasonable discourse here but your best response was:
Quote
Bitches gonna judge.

One will just have to consider the source.....