We each have our own experiences to think through and guide us in our decisions. My experiences come down firmly on the "no child" side. There are several reasons, all of which have been (I think) only marginally mentioned...
My uncle had three kids, then a break of 15 years, then two more. One Christmas he was talking about being an older father. He said it was a mistake. As near as I remember it (it really stuck with me) "The human body is made to be able to keep up with young kids when you are in your 20s and 30s. If you have kids later, you have difficulty because you can't go for possibly days with little or no sleep. You don't have as much stamina for chasing kids around. You want to take it easy, and they are revved up with childhood energy, and can't. And it's bad for them because you have more and better stuff. When we had the first three, all our furniture was hand-me-downs, and it didn't matter if something was scratched or broken. Now we have good stuff and we care if it is wrecked." This is a man who was always the centre of his community, and the most vigorous person I have known for his age.
My best friend had a daughter at 42. Her boyfriend left her as soon as he knew she was pregnant, so she raised her daughter as a single mother. She died the day she was 60. She isn't the only person I know who is in our age bracket who has died recently in their 60s. It happens more frequently than I expected. To many people who are apparently as fit and well as those who aren't. Although many people do last well into their 70s, I suspect that it is wishful thinking for you to expect to last well into your 80s or 90s - no country has those life expectancies. My friend really wanted her daughter, and I was amazed at the life changes she made to be able to look after her. I think you may be significantly underestimating the differences that having a child will make to your life, and the difficulties there are in being a single parent.
I also had an acquaintance who decided to have children even though she would be a single mum. She said that no-one was against it. I really got stuck into her about that (especially as she had been admitted to mental health institutions several times), and certainly take umbrage at your suggestion that no-one is against single mothers by choice. I am still quite opposed to it and think that IVF for single women shouldn't exist. However, it does. My problems with single parents by choice are mainly because it is much more difficult for a child to end up with no parents, if it initially has two.
I also wonder what problems you will find with being a single father. I suspect that, even if your child is a boy, there will be some much more challenging times than there would be for a single mother, especially with the way men with children are looked at strangely, when women aren't. One of the men on the forum told a story of having his daughter taken from him when he crossed a border, and it was her screams that made the border people start to believe his story (if I'm correct, he had sole custody). Men also tend to get preference in all sorts of things - jobs... If you are a single parent, will you change to being treated like a woman?
Lastly, your plans include living in a LCOL country. I suspect this means a third world country. This really raises my concerns. Children die in third world countries because there are diseases which are not prevalent in developed countries. Natural disasters tend to have more impact on the population of an area than a similar one in a developed country. Two small children in my family (with their mother) lived in a refugee shelter for several months after one such disaster in a third world country. Also, how can you have a close family environment for your child if you both live in another country?
Ok, lots to unpack here and don’t get me wrong, your stories scare the crap out of me. They are indeed possible. I guess, anything is possible. You could also have someone tell traumatic stories of parents in their 20s and 30s who have regretted children, been abandoned, died early, etc. Those stories don’t deter those people. No one gets guarantees but we can’t stop living.
Your uncle: I can’t imagine anything worse than regretting children, and having messed up furniture as one of the reasons. Yes, the energy thing will be an issue. I know that. So I’ll have to have an au pair or nanny or manny or whoever to help me out. Takes a village and all. I’ll also try to keep the kid in sports and other activities to give outlets for that energy. That will give me rest and recharge time to play. Any different than parents who work 40-60 hours and then have to play with the kids, but give them an iPad instead?
Your friend who passed at 60: how horrible, sorry to hear. Can’t do much about death. It could happen tomorrow or 50 years from now. It will most likely happen at some point within that timeframe. No one knows their number, ever. I grew up with 2 kids who lost their dad when they were 1. Again, no one stops having kids cause the could die. I’ve got nothing to go on but my own parents, both in their late 60s and still active. Both have lead riskier lives than I have (both smokers or ex smokers). Grandmother in her mid 90s (ex smoker).
Single mom through IVF: well, you’re entitled to your opinion about what women should be able to do with their bodies and plan their families, but I’ll disagree. Whether they chose to be a single mom or it happened to them by circumstance, it happens, all the time and they survive and the kids survive. Easy? No. We’ve had 2 presidents (Clinton and Obama) raised by single moms. Half of marriages end in divorce, as soon as they do, all the one that involve children become single parent households until a new partner is found. You’re condemning s large portion of people.
Single father problems: This one I think about a lot, because it’s definitely real. It, btw, has nothing to do with age. There are lots of single fathers out there and yes, we’ll need to navigate all of that. I was just at the airport and watched this father deal with the issue of taking his daughter to the bathroom—he didn’t want to let her go to the ladies alone but when he took her into the men’s, there were too many trying to get to the urinals. It was awkward. I’m sure they worked something out. Because, that’s what you do. Humans figure out a way. I will need to be prepared for the, is this your child, where is the mother, has she granted permission for travel type discussions. And fair enough. Some men steal and do awful things to children. I will be prepared for this because I will have to be.
LCOL: Well, I’m thinking Buenos Aires, Panama, Portugal, Budapest, Spain, France, Thailand, Malaysia or Malta. The places generally listed as great, affordable places for retirees. They might be 3rd world to you, I think we’ll be ok. My plan is to be retired after 4-6 years. We’ll either fly to family for extended times or fly them to us.
