Author Topic: Increasing social connections/social capital  (Read 36935 times)

Linda_Norway

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #350 on: May 28, 2018, 06:26:31 AM »
Today I am going on a mushroom walk with a retired professor in the field and another 20 people with some mushroom knowledge. I know some of them from earlier trips, so it is a nice meetup. Not too far from home, 40 min driving or so.

The trip was niced. I had good contact with some of the people I knew from earlier and met some new ones. We found some mushrooms, despite it being crispy dry here.

A friend invited DH and me for a trip on their RIB, a rubber boat type made for speeding. It is to celebrate her Bf's birthday. I hope DH can for this time forget about his aversion for noisy speed boats and just join the trip. We were also to visit an island where there is something to see and where we have all been before.

I had misunderstood. My friend's BF did not have a birthday. It was only a boat trip.
DH really hates RIBs and other speedsboats. He figured that he would really not be nice company on such a trip. I was thinking of excuses how to tell my friend. But I thought that if I make something up, we will probably receive a new invitation for a boat trip some time later. So I decided to be honest and blame DH. I told her he dislikes fast boats, thank you for the invitation, but no thanks, we rather meet you again on some other occasion. I got a reply back with OK. So I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. I also understand DH, who said he would have hated the whole trip and would have been annoyed at everything about it. So would I have been, as I also hate such boats.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #351 on: May 31, 2018, 01:21:16 AM »
Yesterday we had the yearly membership meeting from the private road organization that I am leading this year. I had been dreading it big time. I had expected people to react in a bit of a hostile way.
But all in all, the discussions were polite. Our suggestions were accepted, with small positive modifications. A very difficult road case was discussed well, but ended with a very good solution that everyone agreed on.

I didn't want to lead the whole group. Not that I'm afraid for people, but I have a low voice and people often have difficulty hearing me. So I wrote the notes, while someone else lead the meeting.

I wasn't really a social event to make friends, but was a social experience nevertheless and something I had been dreading bigtime. A guy who I know came to me with some questions about hiking elsewhere in the country. As I had walked one of these routes, I could give him advice.

Raenia

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #352 on: May 31, 2018, 06:04:58 AM »
My partner ran into our upstairs neighbors while taking out the trash yesterday, and chatted a little while.  They invited us to dinner one day next week.  I'll make a dessert to bring to say thank you.  Hopefully we'll all hit it off and we'll invite them back in exchange.

We did go to this, though it turned out to be a cook-out of mostly college age folks.  We didn't stay long since it was a weeknight (it is summer break for them, but not for us working stiffs!) but it was nice to chat with them a bit.  Exhausting, though!  I'm not that far out of college myself, but they just seem so young now.

MrsWhipple

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #353 on: May 31, 2018, 12:32:15 PM »
Invited a couple over for dinner next week that I met through a hiking group. Their toddler is about the same age as ours, hoping we hit it off! Finding couple friends is like the hardest thing I've ever done, like dating but with 4-way intersectional issues. I don't know how polyamorous people pull it off, lol.

Serendip

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #354 on: May 31, 2018, 01:58:35 PM »
Invited a couple over for dinner next week that I met through a hiking group. Their toddler is about the same age as ours, hoping we hit it off! Finding couple friends is like the hardest thing I've ever done, like dating but with 4-way intersectional issues. I don't know how polyamorous people pull it off, lol.

Oh, this is both funny and a great question :)

We've had a few social events this week and this morning, I was so exhausted from an all-day event yesterday that I slept until almost 9am (we usually get up between 6:30 & 7:30) I bowed out of another event today so that I could have some solo time at home..tidying and podcasts as a rejuvenation recipe.


MrsWhipple

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #355 on: June 01, 2018, 12:46:42 PM »
I just made a Father's Day craft party for next week and invited 16 other mom friends to come make Sharpie mug presents. Now I feel sick. What if nobody comes? What if everybody comes?  AHHHHHHHHH

expatartist

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #356 on: June 02, 2018, 03:56:57 AM »
Have been trying to meet with a friend-of-a-friend for months. We've been virtually introduced as she's looking for ideas on how to utilize a former temple space she's inherited / leased for art or 'wellness' or cultural projects. Finally we're meeting tomorrow afternoon and I hope we can get to know one another and collaborate someday on this or another project.

First thing tomorrow AM a corporate HR colleague has offered to take me on an exploratory walk of our neighborhood. She's returned to this part of town reluctantly to take care of her mum, and I'm still learning what's where. So hopefully this can benefit both of us. I'm always slightly terrified of yet fascinated by those in our corporate divisions. They've often been with the foundation for decades, know everything about everyone, and are mostly very old-school Hong Kong: family here for generations, there's an entire level of etiquette and understanding in three+ continents, cultures and languages I can only grasp the surface of. But I try as best as possible to adapt my mid-American manners and so far that's worked ok, especially when keeping wine out of it.

Since I'm here for the long haul and not just flitting through like most foreigners in HK, I'm keen to meet more people from the Territory. Their insights and wisdom mean a lot.

KBecks

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #357 on: June 02, 2018, 05:37:56 AM »
I just made a Father's Day craft party for next week and invited 16 other mom friends to come make Sharpie mug presents. Now I feel sick. What if nobody comes? What if everybody comes?  AHHHHHHHHH

That is really cool!  Have fun with it.  :)

DagobertDuck

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #358 on: June 02, 2018, 02:50:23 PM »
I'm following this one!

Linda_Norway

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #359 on: June 05, 2018, 04:20:34 AM »
A while ago I contacted a person I had met at a course and asked if we could stay in touch, by email. She doesn't have facebook. She mailed me back and wants to stay in touch. I can visit her at home if I ever pass her house, which is a bit out in the country.

I talked with one of my frugal colleagues about my planned early retirement. She asked when I had in mind to retire. Then I answered, latest at the age of 50. I am almost hitting 45 now. The plan is to retire in 2020 at age 46, but I am not saying that to others just yet.

Astatine

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #360 on: June 05, 2018, 04:42:27 AM »
I did a couple of Pokemon Go raids with other people today. I'd met a couple of them a few times before but mostly they were strangers.

We have nothing social planned next weekend. This is the first time in a long time.

pachnik

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #361 on: June 05, 2018, 06:44:31 AM »
Last weekend, I went to a potluck for a friend's birthday.  A really great group of women there.  I enjoyed chatting very much. 

continuing with yoga on Tuesday nights though it isn't particularly social because I really like it.

Tris Prior

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #362 on: June 05, 2018, 07:26:34 AM »
I went back to dance classes, because that used to be a social outlet for me. Turns out I'm the only one in the class. Fail! Oh well, at least it's a good workout.

I've been having a hard time with this lately - seems that everyone I know is busy or cancels plans with me or is sick. I'm feeling pretty isolated. Last Saturday we participated in our neighborhood yard sale but while we had some nice chats with people who stopped by, they moved on quickly - it was a 200-household sale and people literally run through it to snap up as many bargains as possible. It made me think, though, if there are better ways to meet others who are nearby. Considering joining Nextdoor because I read on some other forum that folks were having some success finding social gatherings on it. My neighborhood's pretty kid-heavy though and we're not parents. Maybe worth a try?

Carrie

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #363 on: June 05, 2018, 08:25:21 AM »
We have a dinner with neighbors on Friday, a kid birthday to attend on Saturday, and sometime next week there will be a recipe swap/wine evening in our neighborhood that I'm planning to attend. I may meet up with others throughout the week at the pool.

That will be enough to last me a while!
We're doing some renovations so won't be hosting anyone at our house for a while.

Astatine

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #364 on: June 06, 2018, 03:30:35 AM »
A lot of my maintaining connections is happening online. Social media and messenger (mostly through private groups). I think if I ever got rid of my smart phone and/or my social media accounts my social life would drop to just weekly dinner with 4 friends and not much else.

Hirondelle

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #365 on: June 06, 2018, 09:49:19 AM »
Went out with a newish friend and her coworkers last week. Tonight we're meeting up again with two other common friends. This connection is slowly getting solid (unfortunately she's moving across the world next month). Will also be going out with a part of this group this weekend.

Also slowly making friends at the gym. One girl asked for my phone number to see if we could meet up for drinks with a small group (3-4 folks) later this or next week.

I have a housewarming of an old friend + one of her other friends who's slowly becoming mine now too as we keep meeting up with the 3 of us :). Actually the two of us seem to be an even better fit than we both are with our common friend.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #366 on: June 06, 2018, 10:48:12 AM »
A lot of my maintaining connections is happening online. Social media and messenger (mostly through private groups). I think if I ever got rid of my smart phone and/or my social media accounts my social life would drop to just weekly dinner with 4 friends and not much else.

That's why they call it social media! :-) I literally don't know the phone number of several of my close friends. We use Facebook Messenger, e-mail, Whatsapp, etc. I have a little five-person group chat on FB Messenger that's been running since January of 2014. We didn't know each other very well back then (people I'd met maybe twice) but we were all going to this big week-long music event and someone started the group to help us plan for it. We never stopped chatting, and now we're all pretty much BFFs.

I have a housewarming of an old friend + one of her other friends who's slowly becoming mine now too as we keep meeting up with the 3 of us :). Actually the two of us seem to be an even better fit than we both are with our common friend.

My mom always jokes that she met all of her best friends through this one (fairly annoying) friend of hers, and she inevitably becomes better friends with the friends-of-friend, and then they all feel bad for leaving out the OG friend... I guess some people are good at making cool friends :-)

I had a really good social night last Friday (my "birthday eve" celebration) and talked to two existing friends, a person I didn't know who came with one of my friends, and three different musicians I really love who were all in the band. Oh, and a stranger at the bar because we both got there before our respective friends showed up.

Then my social anxiety ramped up and I totally chickened out of talking to the person I wanted to talk to last night :-(  Although he did come say hello to me, I didn't do much more than a "fine thanks how are you" kind of thing. I'd wanted to tell him something specific, but I was just feeling too shy. Ugh, why am I so weird? I can be so outgoing one day and the next I'm practically hiding under the table...

MrsWhipple

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #367 on: June 06, 2018, 02:51:35 PM »
I just made a Father's Day craft party for next week and invited 16 other mom friends to come make Sharpie mug presents. Now I feel sick. What if nobody comes? What if everybody comes?  AHHHHHHHHH
Update! This went super well, there were six other moms and six other kids and it was just about perfect for our small house and yard to cover. And we all had muffins and coffee and watermelon and now I'm just a little bit exhausted but I think it went well. Someone said I should make it an annual tradition, so maybe I will :)

Serendip

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #368 on: June 06, 2018, 05:24:39 PM »
Going to go to a community garden event "weeding wednesday" (just for a short while since we are having a friend over for dinner but wanting to make the effort)

Linda_Norway

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #369 on: June 07, 2018, 08:48:02 AM »
This morning on my way walking down the steep hill to the train station, I was picked up by a woman I know well, as we are in a board together. Chatted all the way to the next city, 10 further than I had planned.

On my way back up I was picked up by another woman, which turned out to be one of my neighbours. i hadn't talked to her after our initial greeting. So we had 10 minutes of chatting in her car en she invited us to drop by for a coffee some time.

At work I met someone who had worked with DH. Happens often in a small country. We had plenty to talk about during the lunch.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #370 on: June 07, 2018, 10:13:34 AM »
I invited six people to go to a last-minute concert this weekend (late announcement/pop-up kind of thing). Heard back a 'yes' from two of them already. :-)  Ideally I'll end up with four yeses and two nos since the best table in that place is a table for five...

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #371 on: June 07, 2018, 05:24:13 PM »
I'm on such a roll today! Made arrangements to see my parents for Father's day (but not on Father's day, so we had to figure that out), invited my mom and her friend to come do something in the city one night, and invited my brother to hang out. Brother is a big deal since I've been more or less continually annoyed at him for three years running, and I've only spent one on one time with him once in that period. (He said "maybe" which is probably a "no," but at least I'm making an effort.)

Hirondelle

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #372 on: June 08, 2018, 12:06:02 AM »

I have a housewarming of an old friend + one of her other friends who's slowly becoming mine now too as we keep meeting up with the 3 of us :). Actually the two of us seem to be an even better fit than we both are with our common friend.

My mom always jokes that she met all of her best friends through this one (fairly annoying) friend of hers, and she inevitably becomes better friends with the friends-of-friend, and then they all feel bad for leaving out the OG friend... I guess some people are good at making cool friends :-)


That's so funny right? At the gym last night we had a similar discussion! I hang out with two girls there are who are friends and they met through a common friend/flatmate and now are way better friends than with the person they met through.

I also have a situation like that in hometown now. At birthdays we often hang out with some of my friends' boyfriends and their friends. Now I don't like the boyfriends and their friends as much (very childish, still in the "drinking a lot is cool" mode at 25 yo) but one of them has a brother who regularly shows up and he's super nice to the point where we biked home together last weekend and ended up talking for another 30 min at the point where we needed to split up to each get to our own houses.

Dicey

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #373 on: June 08, 2018, 02:27:31 AM »
I want to share this somewhere and this seems a good place. I belong to a couple of boards and one of them is giving me fits, as I have whinged about elsewhere. For a different board, I am the Hospitality Chair. Today was our annual Crossover Luncheon, where incoming and outgoing board members hand off their duties and break bread together. I chose the restaurant, planned the menu, and negotiated a fair rate months ago. Today, everything came together. The food was awesome, the setting perfect, and everyone loved it. I got so many compliments. We were a group of 21 and no one had a single complaint! Best of all, it was Mediterranean Cuisine, with all the dishes served family style. There was a lot of food left over, so everyone took to-go bags. Nothing was wasted, which made my mustachian heart very happy. It was a blast. It felt great that everyone was happy and wasn't scrutinizing/criticising my every move.  Hmmm, maybe it's time to re-think that other board when my term is up...I'm still passionate for the cause, but the board is becoming too much Not.Fun.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #374 on: June 08, 2018, 03:58:51 AM »
I want to share this somewhere and this seems a good place. I belong to a couple of boards and one of them is giving me fits, as I have whinged about elsewhere. For a different board, I am the Hospitality Chair. Today was our annual Crossover Luncheon, where incoming and outgoing board members hand off their duties and break bread together. I chose the restaurant, planned the menu, and negotiated a fair rate months ago. Today, everything came together. The food was awesome, the setting perfect, and everyone loved it. I got so many compliments. We were a group of 21 and no one had a single complaint! Best of all, it was Mediterranean Cuisine, with all the dishes served family style. There was a lot of food left over, so everyone took to-go bags. Nothing was wasted, which made my mustachian heart very happy. It was a blast. It felt great that everyone was happy and wasn't scrutinizing/criticising my every move.  Hmmm, maybe it's time to re-think that other board when my term is up...I'm still passionate for the cause, but the board is becoming too much Not.Fun.

Nice for you that this lunch went so well. And great to hear that no food was wasted. Nice that everyone thought so and was like-minded in that matter.

Board jobs can be a lot of work and sometimes a PITA to work on. I am personally on a board where I have very little influence and do all the administrative work. I put another person to do a task (drawing a map) and he is just not doing it or procrastinating, while I am very much an "on-time" kind of person. The board is also in general giving me stress and sleepless nights. Although the yearly meeting with the members went much better than I had anticipated.

But at least I now have a good contact with the other woman on the board.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #375 on: June 09, 2018, 12:00:54 AM »
Then my social anxiety ramped up and I totally chickened out of talking to the person I wanted to talk to last night :-(  Although he did come say hello to me, I didn't do much more than a "fine thanks how are you" kind of thing. I'd wanted to tell him something specific, but I was just feeling too shy. Ugh, why am I so weird? I can be so outgoing one day and the next I'm practically hiding under the table...

Hurrah for Slicey! Saw this person again tonight and I dredged up the bravery to say a quick hello. He is someone semi-famous that I deeply admire, and I know him well enough to say hello, but am still really shy about reaching out because I always feel like he's got better things to do than talk to a total nobody like me. But I managed to say hi tonight, and instead of a quick hello, it was like... the best conversation I've ever had. We talked for ages, and he was incredibly kind and gave me all kinds of advice and really listened to me. I can't even tell you how happy I am that I pushed myself to take a deep breath and say hello :-)

Dicey

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #376 on: June 09, 2018, 12:37:33 AM »
Then my social anxiety ramped up and I totally chickened out of talking to the person I wanted to talk to last night :-(  Although he did come say hello to me, I didn't do much more than a "fine thanks how are you" kind of thing. I'd wanted to tell him something specific, but I was just feeling too shy. Ugh, why am I so weird? I can be so outgoing one day and the next I'm practically hiding under the table...

Hurrah for Slicey! Saw this person again tonight and I dredged up the bravery to say a quick hello. He is someone semi-famous that I deeply admire, and I know him well enough to say hello, but am still really shy about reaching out because I always feel like he's got better things to do than talk to a total nobody like me. But I managed to say hi tonight, and instead of a quick hello, it was like... the best conversation I've ever had. We talked for ages, and he was incredibly kind and gave me all kinds of advice and really listened to me. I can't even tell you how happy I am that I pushed myself to take a deep breath and say hello :-)
Yay! But hey, you're semi-famous around here, and deeply admired as well, so this person ain't got nothin' on you, Slicey.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #377 on: June 09, 2018, 01:33:07 AM »
Then my social anxiety ramped up and I totally chickened out of talking to the person I wanted to talk to last night :-(  Although he did come say hello to me, I didn't do much more than a "fine thanks how are you" kind of thing. I'd wanted to tell him something specific, but I was just feeling too shy. Ugh, why am I so weird? I can be so outgoing one day and the next I'm practically hiding under the table...

Hurrah for Slicey! Saw this person again tonight and I dredged up the bravery to say a quick hello. He is someone semi-famous that I deeply admire, and I know him well enough to say hello, but am still really shy about reaching out because I always feel like he's got better things to do than talk to a total nobody like me. But I managed to say hi tonight, and instead of a quick hello, it was like... the best conversation I've ever had. We talked for ages, and he was incredibly kind and gave me all kinds of advice and really listened to me. I can't even tell you how happy I am that I pushed myself to take a deep breath and say hello :-)
Yay! But hey, you're semi-famous around here, and deeply admired as well, so this person ain't got nothin' on you, Slicey.

Haha - thanks! :-)  I don't say 'deeply admire' lightly though, I mean like... deep deep. Like one of my top humans on the planet. Not just his work, but as a human being. I've never met anyone even remotely like him. Gah! I'm going to be coasting on this for months...

Hirondelle

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #378 on: June 09, 2018, 01:57:32 AM »
Then my social anxiety ramped up and I totally chickened out of talking to the person I wanted to talk to last night :-(  Although he did come say hello to me, I didn't do much more than a "fine thanks how are you" kind of thing. I'd wanted to tell him something specific, but I was just feeling too shy. Ugh, why am I so weird? I can be so outgoing one day and the next I'm practically hiding under the table...

Hurrah for Slicey! Saw this person again tonight and I dredged up the bravery to say a quick hello. He is someone semi-famous that I deeply admire, and I know him well enough to say hello, but am still really shy about reaching out because I always feel like he's got better things to do than talk to a total nobody like me. But I managed to say hi tonight, and instead of a quick hello, it was like... the best conversation I've ever had. We talked for ages, and he was incredibly kind and gave me all kinds of advice and really listened to me. I can't even tell you how happy I am that I pushed myself to take a deep breath and say hello :-)
Yay! But hey, you're semi-famous around here, and deeply admired as well, so this person ain't got nothin' on you, Slicey.

Haha - thanks! :-)  I don't say 'deeply admire' lightly though, I mean like... deep deep. Like one of my top humans on the planet. Not just his work, but as a human being. I've never met anyone even remotely like him. Gah! I'm going to be coasting on this for months...

Yay for Slicey! Little hellos can have big results.

pachnik

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #379 on: June 09, 2018, 07:09:54 AM »
Then my social anxiety ramped up and I totally chickened out of talking to the person I wanted to talk to last night :-(  Although he did come say hello to me, I didn't do much more than a "fine thanks how are you" kind of thing. I'd wanted to tell him something specific, but I was just feeling too shy. Ugh, why am I so weird? I can be so outgoing one day and the next I'm practically hiding under the table...

Hurrah for Slicey! Saw this person again tonight and I dredged up the bravery to say a quick hello. He is someone semi-famous that I deeply admire, and I know him well enough to say hello, but am still really shy about reaching out because I always feel like he's got better things to do than talk to a total nobody like me. But I managed to say hi tonight, and instead of a quick hello, it was like... the best conversation I've ever had. We talked for ages, and he was incredibly kind and gave me all kinds of advice and really listened to me. I can't even tell you how happy I am that I pushed myself to take a deep breath and say hello :-)

This is so cool!    Good on you for having the courage to say hi!

Serendip

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #380 on: June 09, 2018, 09:31:05 PM »
Nice update @Dollar Slice !
Great job putting your friendly self out into the world--
Isn't that just the best when it yields unexpected connections??

I am holed up at home tonight after an event last night & full day of work. Trying to establish some more regular ways to get out in the evening (I often work evenings and if I don't..then it is really hard for me to rally energy to get out, even when it's still lovely & light out) Contemplating a running group, but might give myself 4 weeks to go consistently before I attempt that!


Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #381 on: June 10, 2018, 12:33:26 PM »
Nice update @Dollar Slice !
Great job putting your friendly self out into the world--
Isn't that just the best when it yields unexpected connections??

Yes... :-) I'm still going over that conversation in my head. All the ways he is a master at making someone feel seen/heard/cared for. (Not just me, a couple of times someone walked up and interrupted us to tell him how much they admire his work etc and it was a master class in talking to people in a way that they would walk away with a big smile). I want so badly to be able to do that.

I've had such a lovely weekend of social stuff... Friday night of course I walked away glowing. Saturday I had invited a bunch of people to a concert and we ended up with a nice big group and had a ton of fun. We sat right in front and I managed not to be shy when a couple of the band members talked to us before/after the show.

Mustachian bonus: it turned out one of the servers was a good friend of one of my friends, so his girlfriend came to sit with us and we got the best service all night long including about ten refills on my tap water without having to ask. We were there for six hours and it was really hot so this was a major advantage over ordering a lot of cold drinks. :-)  (I did order some wine and tipped enormously so as not to be an ass...)

Trifele

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #382 on: June 10, 2018, 01:17:08 PM »
Congrats on your fabulous weekend @Dollar Slice!!  Absolutely fantastic.  :)

I have been a slug lately and between work suckage (long hours, stress) and long hours working on our house, I have done zero in the way of new connections. 

On a positive note, we are having some friends over for dinner tonight.  Friends who don't mind they are eating in a dusty construction area.  :)
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 05:24:23 PM by Trifele »

Astatine

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #383 on: June 10, 2018, 08:08:29 PM »
Yay Dollar Slice!!!!

We had a friend over for dinner last night. It was pretty casual (we don’t own a dining table so meals are always eaten on laps sitting in the couch) but excellent fun.

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #384 on: June 11, 2018, 04:55:54 PM »
I'm so happy for you @Dollar Slice !!! Congratulations on being brave! I'm going to try to remember your success when I'm feeling too chicken to talk to people.

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #385 on: June 12, 2018, 09:09:46 PM »
Such a lovely story of success, Dollar Slice!!  Made me happy to hear it.  I am sure that your idol also enjoyed and learned from you, as well!

I reached out to a new woman at church who is also a mom at my kids' school and who also is involved in two of the same charity groups that I volunteer for.  Actually she reached out to me first, a couple of times and to my embarrassment, I completely blew her off the first time (because I had to run), and the second time I forgot who she was. Maybe she even reached out to me a third time, I think she did.  And she got annoyed because I kept forgetting who she is.

So I made a point of sitting down with her the next time I saw her, and we had ten minutes of awesome conversation before my husband and kids pulled me away. It turns out that she is a really cool, interesting person and I like her a lot.  Sometimes I wish I weren't so face blind and oblivious... we could have been friends for months! But I am looking forward to seeing her again in the autumn.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #386 on: June 12, 2018, 11:17:22 PM »
Sometimes I wish I weren't so face blind and oblivious... we could have been friends for months!

I am usually OK with faces (although there's a lot of "I'm not sure if I've actually talked to them before or just seen them around") but I'm horrible with names. I literally have people I've known for years that I don't know their name because I'm too embarrassed to ask again. Ugh. And they always remember MY name, of course! I need an app for this, like I can surreptitiously snap a photo of them and put in their name as soon as I meet them, and then have a record to refer back to. I remember things much better if I see it written down.

I am sure that your idol also enjoyed and learned from you, as well!

I did give him some advice, haha. But it was basically just "you should definitely do whatever [other guy] told you" because he was telling me about some advice he got from someone we both know who is extremely brilliant and very good at applying it to practical situations.

I'm probably going to see my new buddy a couple of times next week, I guess I'll find out if we're friends now or if it was just some crazy late-night one-off thing after a couple glasses of wine. Hopefully I'll be having one of my "on" days and not one of my "hide under the table" days...

Astatine

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #387 on: June 13, 2018, 06:41:39 AM »
A question for people in this thread: how much energy (time/emotional/mental etc) are you putting in to maintaining existing friendships vs trying to make new connections?

I keep finding myself wanting to expand my social circles but I think what I would find more satisfying in the long run is maintaining and building existing friendships/acquaintances.

But then, I rarely feel like I fit in anywhere, like I'm on the outside looking in and it can all come tumbling down at any time if I say or do the wrong thing (I have a LOT of hangups from childhood that I haven't quite gotten over yet). But I don't know if that's because I haven't found "my people" yet or if childhood trauma-reactions just make everything feel not quite right. Thoughts?

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #388 on: June 13, 2018, 11:11:20 AM »
A question for people in this thread: how much energy (time/emotional/mental etc) are you putting in to maintaining existing friendships vs trying to make new connections?

Hmm. I haven't really thought about it that way, honestly. I'm really just an opportunist. If I'm doing something fun that I can convince friends to go to, that's great. If someone needs something and I can help, great. If I'm going to an event and couldn't get anyone to come with me, I'll try to make new connections (or deepen a connection with whichever random acquaintance I run into).

I have been pushing to deepen a couple of existing friendships lately, in part because both of them lost a close family member and I could see they needed some extra emotional support. I only moved here 4 years ago and even my closer friends aren't *that* close. I'm no one's BFF right now, which is kind of hard. (This weekend I did have a few drinks and heavily implied that the people I was with were my best friends, but I'm not sure if that counts... haha.)

Not sure about the "fitting in" part. I will say that I've changed a lot over the years... when I was in high school and college I definitely didn't feel like I fit in, and I tended to have a couple of close friends and not a big friend circle. Early working years were the same except I often didn't have any close friends living locally and didn't go out much. At some point I started forcing myself to be more outgoing, and with the advent of online interest groups (and developing new interests myself) I started finding my tribe. Then I moved to NYC and was truly where I belonged, and started meeting tons of people. I've gone from the nerdy kid people made fun of to being almost... popular? Cool? I dunno. It's very weird to me how people's perceptions of you can change so drastically. And I still have a lot of anxiety/insecurity about it (hence joining this thread).

I guess I would spend some time thinking about why you don't feel like you fit in - where the disconnect is between you and your existing group. And also what kind of friend circle you actually want - are you the kind of person that really likes having a couple of very close friends? Or are you the kind of person who wants to have lots of people in your life, even if they aren't as close? And if what you want isn't what you have, what are some steps towards change?

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #389 on: June 13, 2018, 08:51:46 PM »

I am usually OK with faces (although there's a lot of "I'm not sure if I've actually talked to them before or just seen them around") but I'm horrible with names. I literally have people I've known for years that I don't know their name because I'm too embarrassed to ask again. Ugh. And they always remember MY name, of course! I need an app for this, like I can surreptitiously snap a photo of them and put in their name as soon as I meet them, and then have a record to refer back to. I remember things much better if I see it written down.

Yes, me too!


I'm probably going to see my new buddy a couple of times next week, I guess I'll find out if we're friends now or if it was just some crazy late-night one-off thing after a couple glasses of wine. Hopefully I'll be having one of my "on" days and not one of my "hide under the table" days...

I hope you really become friends!! Though maybe a little distance is good.  It's sometimes more fun to have crushes on people than to have them turn all human on you.


    A question for people in this thread: how much energy (time/emotional/mental etc) are you putting in to maintaining existing friendships vs trying to make new connections?
Though I have an old friend with whom I chat with every week, I'm spending more time on new connections because we are relatively new in this community, and the first few years I was too busy taking care of young kids and elderly parents to socialize much.  A few times a year I visit neighborhoods where I used to live and manage to see a whole bunch of people in a day, and it's great. But otherwise, I'm trying to make new friends since I expect we'll be living here a good long time.

Also, the old friends with whom I am in the most contact, now have different politics than me, and it's a bit of a strain.  I love them and all, but it's more relaxing to be with friends around whom I can say anything without thinking too much.

Quote
I rarely feel like I fit in anywhere, like I'm on the outside looking in and it can all come tumbling down at any time if I say or do the wrong thing (I have a LOT of hangups from childhood that I haven't quite gotten over yet). But I don't know if that's because I haven't found "my people" yet or if childhood trauma-reactions just make everything feel not quite right. Thoughts?

One of the big breakthroughs for me in the last decade has been to realize how awkward OTHER people usually are!  Maybe I'm wrong, but I think most people are basically lonely. At any rate, even when I don't fit in, I'm not afraid of people any more. 

In terms of feeling like a good fit, the best conditions I find for friendship is when a group of people who are new to one another come together (like to a new school or program or housing group), then spend a fair amount of time working or studying together. That's not enough for cohesion though.  The next step is for this group of people to travel together among strangers.  Then you feel like you know each other!
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 04:07:19 AM by Poundwise »

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #390 on: June 13, 2018, 10:13:54 PM »
I hope you really become friends!! Though maybe a little distance is good.  It's sometimes more fun to have crushes on people than to have them turn all human on you.

Oh, I don't mean like dinner parties and board games. I'm thinking more like elevating the relationship from "gee, there he is, I should say hi but I don't want to bother him" to something slightly less pathetic. ;-) It would be nice if I always felt that comfortable talking to him, that's all.

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #391 on: June 14, 2018, 11:36:20 AM »
Often summer months mean more blissful seclusion for me, but this summer I'm proud to say I've had more interactions than my norm.
I've texted friends more (which is still weird for me - I miss good old fashioned phone calls), I've visited with acquaintances at the pool, we've had dinner with a new (to the neighborhood) family. The dinner was reciprocal,  so that's fun!
I still feel like I need to do a better job of visiting with the across-the-street family, but we won't be hosting anything at our house until our current house projects are finished.
I've made more effort to introduce myself & chit chat if I start seeing the same person over & over. It's amazing how few people bother with that (like at school functions or neighborhood pool).

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #392 on: June 15, 2018, 11:18:58 PM »
I'd say I am primarily trying to deepen existing connections - shifting friendly acquaintances into real friends, where possible. It's difficult right now because a lot of spoons are being used up on medical stuff.

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #393 on: June 16, 2018, 04:55:59 AM »
A question for people in this thread: how much energy (time/emotional/mental etc) are you putting in to maintaining existing friendships vs trying to make new connections?

To me the current desire for new connections is because I moved to a new area. However, my old connections are highly important to me and I put much effort in maintaining them. With some friends this is easy as they're good texters and we stay up to date of each other's life events, while for others it's hard as they don't like texting and meeting up is really the only way to stay in touch.


I had an extremely social week. First we had a dinner with some co-workers. Love frugal dinner parties ($3 for food/drinks and a whole lot of fun). Then Thursday there were drinks organized by my sports club. Funnily enough, my other sports club turned out to be there too so I talked to a bunch of people I usually only see in a sports-environment. It was fun, but not really satisfying/deepening as all contacts are still superficial.

Then last night we had a reunion from my masters programme and it was amazing. These folks feel like family. My coworkers thought I was crazy to leave work early and travel 3+ hours for the alumni BBQ, but some people who live abroad now had actually taken planes or 6h bus rides to be there and it was great to see everyone again. I think there we see the point of staying in touch with old friends. As I live elsewhere I don't talk to everyone regularly, but when we get back together it's always like nothing has ever changed.

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #394 on: June 16, 2018, 01:49:54 PM »
A question for people in this thread: how much energy (time/emotional/mental etc) are you putting in to maintaining existing friendships vs trying to make new connections?

I keep finding myself wanting to expand my social circles but I think what I would find more satisfying in the long run is maintaining and building existing friendships/acquaintances.


Deepening existing connections and creating new ones are balanced goals for me.

I easily hermit myself with just a few close people but part of this goal for me is to open up a bit more to stretching beyond my comfort circles.
 Part of this is developing acquaintance relationships into friendships (when the connection is there) by being proactive with plans and practicing socialability (is that a word? ) :)

Have added a few new people into my circle of friends this spring and it feels great. And, it just takes time.

sui generis

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #395 on: June 16, 2018, 01:59:11 PM »
I'd like both to deepen some existing connections and to make new ones.  But I find the latter a little more important to me right now.  To just be able to have some brief, not very deep social interactions is one thing I am really missing.  I think it's because where I work, I sometimes don't speak to another human practically at all some days, and although I barely cross over into extrovert territory, I have no realized how it feels to be isolated and lonely and just desperate for human interaction.  It's become even more important for me to do stuff with other people in my non-work time, which has been happening a lot in the last few weeks, thankfully, so that I can be happy.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #396 on: June 17, 2018, 11:22:03 PM »
Had another very fun and social weekend :-)  My friend is having surgery in a week so I said we would have All The Fun this weekend and organized a bunch of stuff. We went out Saturday night until 3AM with (frugal!) live music and food and drinks and dancing. I was in an outgoing mood and things went really well. (I was even brave enough to walk up to one of the band members during an intermission to tell him he's amazing.) Tonight I had a big group of friends come to yet another concert (invited four, who invited three more, plus another five showed up). I had a chance to talk with some people I didn't know that well. And at the end of the night invited one of them to come to an event next week since her husband will be away for a work trip and she'll be home alone all week.

Also talked to some strangers and gave one guy my contact info because he said he had just moved to NYC and I figured he could maybe use a new friend. I also reached out via text to three people who are in the borderline acquaintance/friend zone, because a friend had extra tickets and asked if I could help her find a good home for them (for free). One of the three people said yes and was so grateful and happy and had a great time. The other two were really pleased that I thought of them but couldn't make it. Strengthening relationships left, right, and center over here! :-)

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #397 on: June 18, 2018, 06:55:02 AM »
I had a very social weekend as well.  My sister came over on Friday to help with some wedding planning, then we had a bunch of friends over on Saturday for drinks and hanging out.  Sunday we hosted a birthday/Father's day brunch for my partner's dad.  It was all really fun, but I'm exhausted and got almost none of my housework done.  Gonna be a lot of catching up this week, and a bunch more last minute things for the wedding.  All this socializing is great, and I'm glad we did it, but I can't wait for a quiet weekend.  Unfortunately, it'll be a few weeks before we can have one.

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #398 on: June 18, 2018, 10:41:16 AM »
A question for people in this thread: how much energy (time/emotional/mental etc) are you putting in to maintaining existing friendships vs trying to make new connections?

I keep finding myself wanting to expand my social circles but I think what I would find more satisfying in the long run is maintaining and building existing friendships/acquaintances.

But then, I rarely feel like I fit in anywhere, like I'm on the outside looking in and it can all come tumbling down at any time if I say or do the wrong thing (I have a LOT of hangups from childhood that I haven't quite gotten over yet). But I don't know if that's because I haven't found "my people" yet or if childhood trauma-reactions just make everything feel not quite right. Thoughts?

I can relate to this feeling a lot. I too was bullied as a child, but I also feel like I don't have much in common with the people that I've been encountering, or that they all think I'm this awkward weirdo.

I'm focusing almost exclusively on meeting new people because my existing friendships are so transient. Most people I know are actively trying to move out of my hometown. I just found out last week that *another* friend, whom I'd hoped to get closer to, is moving to the other end of the country in a few months. This has happened to me over and over again for literally decades and it's so frustrating! I have plenty of online friends and connections, and a small social circle who all happens to live in another city (about 5 hours' drive for me, we'll actually be traveling to see them this weekend and I'm pretty excited about it); what I'm starved for is local friends with whom I can do things in person.

Anyway! I went to my community garden's potluck on Saturday. That's a pretty easy thing to attend even for someone like me who gets social anxiety - you can ask pretty much anyone there, "what are you growing this year?" and "how is your garden looking?" and that will start people talking.

sui generis

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Re: Increasing social connections/social capital
« Reply #399 on: June 18, 2018, 11:06:40 AM »

I'm focusing almost exclusively on meeting new people because my existing friendships are so transient. Most people I know are actively trying to move out of my hometown. I just found out last week that *another* friend, whom I'd hoped to get closer to, is moving to the other end of the country in a few months. This has happened to me over and over again for literally decades and it's so frustrating! I have plenty of online friends and connections, and a small social circle who all happens to live in another city (about 5 hours' drive for me, we'll actually be traveling to see them this weekend and I'm pretty excited about it); what I'm starved for is local friends with whom I can do things in person.


I can relate to this feeling so much!  Either they move, or they have babies and you know, in either case, you can stay friends of course, but it won't be the same and certainly not the same amount of time (if any at all).  I thought I was getting old enough that friends would no longer be having their first babies, but I accidentally made some friends that are a little younger than me, and poof!  From now on, I'm only making friends with people in their 60s or 70s!  Maybe they'll be less likely to move and almost for sure won't be having any babies!