Author Topic: Finding My Tribe  (Read 1965 times)

badassCraig

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Finding My Tribe
« on: October 13, 2018, 10:31:08 PM »
I'm 37 years old with a wife and two kids (both boys under 6).  While I love my family I generally have a feeling of being "alone" and a bit disconnected in the world.  It's odd and discomforting.

I think what's missing is feeling connected through work and finding people I generally enjoy (who enjoy me as well).

Initial ideas include finding people who similarly are interested in hiking, travel, baseball, lifestyle design, creativity, fresh ideas, writing, and most of all, shared experiences.

I'm going to look around for local groups as a place to start and see where things take me.


FamilyGuy

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2018, 10:56:53 PM »
Ok. Wish you the best !!

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2018, 11:06:37 PM »
Very cool. Is meetup.com very active where you are? It can be awesome for just what you describe.

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2018, 08:51:01 PM »
Ok. Wish you the best !!

Thanks!

I'm also trying to find new ways to speak and interact with my wife, and new activities with my boys.  They love to play and run and be wild, which is not my jam, but my six year old likes sports and my three year old is showing an interest in art.

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2018, 08:52:38 PM »
Very cool. Is meetup.com very active where you are? It can be awesome for just what you describe.

Yes, there are a lot of groups where I live!  A couple of the ones of interest don't seem very active, but I'm going to keep looking and exploring.

Mrs.Piano

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2018, 09:17:20 PM »
What does your wife say about these situations? And have you considered taking the kids and getting involved as a family in Campfire or another youth organization?

Matz_70

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2018, 09:31:24 PM »
I think I can relate.

What helps me is writing down the things that I love on a piece of paper.

When I feel lonely, I plan or organise activities that are on the piece of paper.

When in the activity, I remind myself of that.

It creates better memories and things to look forward to for me. Hope this helps?

eco mom

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2018, 10:33:02 PM »
Have you considered attending a church? Before you get annoyed and say you're not religious, there are churches for that, too.

I am an atheist who had some exposure to Unitarian Universalism as a child. In college I went a bit more, and then after moving to Seattle, I found the local congregation here. It's basically what I call the "believe what you want to believe" church. It focuses more on the inherent dignity and worth of everyone, regardless of beliefs, and is a very welcoming community. Ours in particular has what we call "covenant groups" where you get together in small groups and have discussions. I was part of our "young adult" group (age up to 35) and made some timeless friendships. One friend from there, I ended up being her bridesmaid and she ended up marrying a mutual friend we both also met there. The sense of community I got from the church is rivaled only by parent discussion groups I've been in and the close-knit dorm I lived in in college.

I also second meetup.com. And if you hike with the kids, I've heard good things about Hike it, Baby!

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2018, 10:36:23 PM »
What does your wife say about these situations? And have you considered taking the kids and getting involved as a family in Campfire or another youth organization?

My wife is pretty supportive.  I watched a playoff baseball game tonight with an old friend and I remembered that we have a weekly community dinner we go to as a family, and I have a weekly men's game night and a weekly men's breakfast I go to as well.  I had kind of lost sight of that as we had been traveling/away.

Campfire sounds interesting!  Closest is 3 hours away from where I live but we have a lot of similar options here I'm sure.  Thanks!

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2018, 10:37:26 PM »
I think I can relate.

What helps me is writing down the things that I love on a piece of paper.

When I feel lonely, I plan or organise activities that are on the piece of paper.

When in the activity, I remind myself of that.

It creates better memories and things to look forward to for me. Hope this helps?

I like the idea, thanks!

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2018, 10:46:35 PM »
Have you considered attending a church? Before you get annoyed and say you're not religious, there are churches for that, too.

I am an atheist who had some exposure to Unitarian Universalism as a child. In college I went a bit more, and then after moving to Seattle, I found the local congregation here. It's basically what I call the "believe what you want to believe" church. It focuses more on the inherent dignity and worth of everyone, regardless of beliefs, and is a very welcoming community. Ours in particular has what we call "covenant groups" where you get together in small groups and have discussions. I was part of our "young adult" group (age up to 35) and made some timeless friendships. One friend from there, I ended up being her bridesmaid and she ended up marrying a mutual friend we both also met there. The sense of community I got from the church is rivaled only by parent discussion groups I've been in and the close-knit dorm I lived in in college.

I also second meetup.com. And if you hike with the kids, I've heard good things about Hike it, Baby!

I grew up Catholic and we attend a Lutheran Church now (although somewhat sporadically) that has fantastic programming for kids and a group of parents who meetup briefly during the kids activity time.  There is one family we've made some headway building a relationship with ... we should reach out to them again to hangout.

We were super involved at our previous congregation in the year leading into our first child.  In fact so much so that I applied for a job when one opened up there.  When I didn't quite get it I struggled with that and felt heartbroken, and also we decided to attend our current church which was right down the road and close to our new home and also had much better family programing and other young families.  So I can definitely relate though to the possibilities you are describing.

Thanks for the heads up on the "Hike it, Baby!" groups.  My 3 and 6 year old complain about going for walks/hikes but I think they'd like it a lot more if other kids are involved.

Cheers!

Bateaux

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2018, 05:46:27 AM »
I'm 37 years old with a wife and two kids (both boys under 6).  While I love my family I generally have a feeling of being "alone" and a bit disconnected in the world.  It's odd and discomforting.

I think what's missing is feeling connected through work and finding people I generally enjoy (who enjoy me as well).

Initial ideas include finding people who similarly are interested in hiking, travel, baseball, lifestyle design, creativity, fresh ideas, writing, and most of all, shared experiences.

I'm going to look around for local groups as a place to start and see where things take me.

I'm still seeking my tribe. I'm 50 my kids are grown and almost independent and FIRE is close. My tribe is out there and doing all these exciting things.  I've been out there doing those same things with my tribe.  My greatest desire for FIRE is to get out and hike the AT, PCT and Maybe the CDT.  I want to go out on my sailboat for days at a time totally independent of land.  I want to load up my bike with my gear to cross states and mountain ranges.  I want to walk beaches in exotic places.  I also want to relieve suffering.  I'd love to be in Florida and other places hit with horrific storms working my ass off for free to help the residents.  It's coming soon.  Very soon.

JennT

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2018, 01:37:12 PM »
I'm in the same boat, with different circumstances.

I'm 33, female, not married, don't want children, and have always been frugal. I've recently discovered the wonderful world of FI which has really helped me start to clarify what's important to me. I've recently relocated to a new city with very traditional values that for the most part are vastly different from my own. I know my tribe is out there, but I haven't found them yet.

So far I've found that going to free events (like yoga in the park during the summer) and volunteering at events I'm personally interested in has helped me meet people that I might align with. So, that's an option too!

eco mom

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2018, 11:31:37 PM »
I second volunteering! Idealist.org can hook you up with some good gigs (not sure where you are or whether it works outside US - but it's a great option here anyway)

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2018, 11:39:28 PM »
Quote
I'm still seeking my tribe. I'm 50 my kids are grown and almost independent and FIRE is close. My tribe is out there and doing all these exciting things.  I've been out there doing those same things with my tribe.  My greatest desire for FIRE is to get out and hike the AT, PCT and Maybe the CDT.  I want to go out on my sailboat for days at a time totally independent of land.  I want to load up my bike with my gear to cross states and mountain ranges.  I want to walk beaches in exotic places.  I also want to relieve suffering.  I'd love to be in Florida and other places hit with horrific storms working my ass off for free to help the residents.  It's coming soon.  Very soon.

That is awesome!  I hope to hike the AT some day too.  And relieving suffering is an awesome goal.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2018, 11:41:13 PM by badassCraig »

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2018, 11:42:37 PM »
Just wanted to report that I've been to two Meetup.com events and have enjoyed them quite a bit and made a new friend or two from it.  Also been connecting with some old friends too.  That's helped lift my spirits and I continue to work at it.

GoodToGrow

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2018, 01:06:45 AM »
Best of fortune in your endeavors to everyone on here. 

I also can relate.  Now 38 living overseas as an engineer in a very isolated life coming off of a failed marriage can really put one in a negative place mentally / emotionally. 

I can't offer you any advice, but can share what is working for me. 
  • I was very depressed and not in the right mind, trying to self-medicate and had a consistent pity-party.  So that doesn't help and I don't recommend doing it (=
  • There was a lot of focus on 'what's wrong with me' and 'how do I improve myself'.  Meh, looking back now there's a time and a place, but it turns out this line of thinking is not really in keeping with my inner self and was not a path to enlightenment.  These are actually pretty selfish thoughts.
  • Focus outward.  I tend to get thousands of times more enjoyment for helping others than doing something selfish, and it doesn't have to be world-shattering things.  We all have problems, and I'm not saying to ignore them or never address them (although I am more guilty of this than most), but life does not stop today and I had to realize that Rome was not built in a day (I was actually, I think, too harsh on myself)
  • Exercise, eat right and travel.  Exercise daily.  If not physically then mentally.  I've been trying to wrap my head around is space an endless box of something akin to cartesian coordinates or is it warped like Einstein et al say.
  • It's nobodies job to make me happy.  It's nothings job to make me happy.  I would rather be unhappy alone and not negatively impact others than to be bringing others down.  A good shut up goes a long way.   Fulfillment is not through connection, but isolation for me is damning.  You are married so have not the same problem, but I have to check myself to not try to rush into things for the sake of the feeling of connecting.  I do not believe feeling something equates to truth, but do find I explore the world and corners of it searching for something.  What it is, I do not know.  The difference is, I no longer care and try to just enjoy the journey

badassCraig

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2018, 10:01:17 PM »
Best of fortune in your endeavors to everyone on here. 

I also can relate.  Now 38 living overseas as an engineer in a very isolated life coming off of a failed marriage can really put one in a negative place mentally / emotionally. 

I can't offer you any advice, but can share what is working for me. 
  • I was very depressed and not in the right mind, trying to self-medicate and had a consistent pity-party.  So that doesn't help and I don't recommend doing it (=
  • There was a lot of focus on 'what's wrong with me' and 'how do I improve myself'.  Meh, looking back now there's a time and a place, but it turns out this line of thinking is not really in keeping with my inner self and was not a path to enlightenment.  These are actually pretty selfish thoughts.
  • Focus outward.  I tend to get thousands of times more enjoyment for helping others than doing something selfish, and it doesn't have to be world-shattering things.  We all have problems, and I'm not saying to ignore them or never address them (although I am more guilty of this than most), but life does not stop today and I had to realize that Rome was not built in a day (I was actually, I think, too harsh on myself)
  • Exercise, eat right and travel.  Exercise daily.  If not physically then mentally.  I've been trying to wrap my head around is space an endless box of something akin to cartesian coordinates or is it warped like Einstein et al say.
  • It's nobodies job to make me happy.  It's nothings job to make me happy.  I would rather be unhappy alone and not negatively impact others than to be bringing others down.  A good shut up goes a long way.   Fulfillment is not through connection, but isolation for me is damning.  You are married so have not the same problem, but I have to check myself to not try to rush into things for the sake of the feeling of connecting.  I do not believe feeling something equates to truth, but do find I explore the world and corners of it searching for something.  What it is, I do not know.  The difference is, I no longer care and try to just enjoy the journey

Thanks GTG!  I appreciate hearing your experience and your thoughts/ideas.

Zikoris

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2018, 11:36:22 AM »
I found I started to meet a lot more like-minded people a few years ago when I started getting actively involved in organizing events and meetups for local FIRE people. Gradually it's become that most people I'm friends with are in some way related to financial independence, either pursuing it themselves or pretty familiar with it. It does seem to work out better that way. Everyone is into free or cheap activities, and nobody looks at you like you have two heads.

Jim Fiction

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2018, 06:53:26 PM »
I can relate, my friends have kind of scattered and it isn't as easy as it used to be to get together and as an adult (I'm 34) it can be somewhat difficult to make new friends.

KBCB

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2018, 10:50:27 AM »
I would like to do this as well. :) Where would you look for local clubs/groups?

Zikoris

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2018, 10:53:29 AM »
I would like to do this as well. :) Where would you look for local clubs/groups?

I would try Facebook and Meetup. Our group mostly operates on Facebook.

Trifele

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #22 on: November 18, 2018, 06:33:35 AM »
I can totally relate to this.  I am lonely as well, and feel like our family is somewhat isolated.  Our family and old friends are far away, and we have yet to make many connections in our new home.  Spouse and I are 52 and 51, but we still have kids at home so we are in an odd "older parent" demographic.  Seems like when we meet families with kids our age, the parents are usually significantly younger than we are.  Sometimes that's fine, and sometimes it's just awkward. 

I hope to FIRE soon, and at the top of my to-do list is to start making more connections -- either for the family, or on my own.   

Good luck to all!  Thanks for the tips for on line resources.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #23 on: November 19, 2018, 04:47:45 AM »
I can totally relate to this.  I am lonely as well, and feel like our family is somewhat isolated.  Our family and old friends are far away, and we have yet to make many connections in our new home.  Spouse and I are 52 and 51, but we still have kids at home so we are in an odd "older parent" demographic.  Seems like when we meet families with kids our age, the parents are usually significantly younger than we are.  Sometimes that's fine, and sometimes it's just awkward. 

I hope to FIRE soon, and at the top of my to-do list is to start making more connections -- either for the family, or on my own.   

Good luck to all!  Thanks for the tips for on line resources.

We will relocate after FIRE. That means saying goodbye to local friends/acquaintances and start over again finding friends. I think that as we belong to the older half of the population (I will be 46 at FIRE), we could try making friends with other older people. I have met several people a bit older than myself (in their 50-ies or early 60-ies) who have either retired early or who get some disability pension. They have time to spend with you outside normal working hours. I have noticed that I can easily get along with these people, as long as we have some interests in common.

soccerluvof4

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Re: Finding My Tribe
« Reply #24 on: November 19, 2018, 05:42:30 AM »
I can relate to this as well. I am 54 and my DW is 50. She went back to work since we Fire'd for Health insurance since we have 4 kids so I go to the YMCA and do all the house stuff but don't get to have to much one on one intelligent conversations with adults. I dont need much but some or one or two friends that i can hookup with would be nice. All my friends have slipped on as mostly our fault because once we had kids we made it all about them and sports and stuff. Some of that I regret most I dont.  Most of my time is chasing kids to stuff and I am going to coach one of my kids basketball teams this winter. Gotta get myself out there more but i feel like #7 most of the time in a family of 6.