Cut friend shaped dead weight from your life

[Icecreamarsenal]

I've realized for a long while now that I have to drop my friend. He's one of my oldest friends, dating back to middle school. He was the first kid I hung out with when I moved to my new town.
He's always been scrambled a bit, coming from a broken home.
His erratic behavior was always annoying. He would make plans to meet up with you, and not show up. One example of this that sticks out in my mind was when he was on the phone, literally said he was around the corner and that he should be there in 5 minutes. I was waiting to meet him, along with some other friends.  Not only did he not show, I didn't see or speak to him for 2 weeks.

I have to write these down to remind myself of the reasons.  Not included in this description are all the good things that he's done for me, and the loyalty that he's shown me.  Also not included are his tragic backstory. I've realized that those are firmly entrenched in the past, and it's affecting my present.

I've lent him money in the past.  I've made a lot of mistakes in the past, this being one of them. After I lent him the money, I rarely heard from him. He did eventually pay me the money back; it took almost 2 years.
The word is cliched, but it's COUNTLESS. The niggling things. My wife and other friends ask me why I continue to remain friends.  I wasn't sure, but...
The last straw is today.
He asked me to purchase something for him, that he would pick up over the weekend.  As you know, today is Monday.  I'm out for the amount of the purchase. But I'm done.
The funny thing is, the amount was trivial. $15.
I have so few friends, I counted him as one of them.
I'll try to find him again in 5 years.

[ivyhedge]

I have two thoughts: 1) either cut him totally, or don't. I don't understand the plan to check in after five years. That suggests you really don't want to cut ...


An alternative might be 2) responding more slowly to everything. Let the person take less of your physical time, your concern, your acknowledgement and they'll likely do the same with you, unless there's an unhealthy fixation binding you together, originating from his side (but that's not your issue to contemplate, and certainly not to fix).


Best,
Ivy

[Nords]

Cut friend shaped dead weight from your life

That's a great analogy!

Not included in this description are all the good things that he's done for me, and the loyalty that he's shown me.

A true friend cares about you.  While they can do good things for you and be loyal, they would also not do bad things to you or neglect you.

He may be on the "Friends" scoreboard, but he sounds like he's way behind on points.

[Neustache]

I've got a similar friend.  It's hard cutting her out, but she's perpetually sad and makes little real changes.  I can't help her, and I realize that now.  She also complains about being lonely but makes little effort to hang out with me, even when I invite her to do things.  She says I'm her best friend, but....evidence would show otherwise.  I'll have substantially less drama in my life and way less to worry about now!  I'm not doing an official cutting off, just hiding her status updates in my newsfeed on FB which will prevent me from reaching out to her (because I won't see her sad posts) and now that I'm cutting my own hair (she did mine) I won't have that reason to see her.  I wish her well, in life, though, and if she ever gets to the point of wanting to see me I'll happily oblige.  We had made plans to hang out a couple of weeks ago and she never showed or inquired about the details (when/where/etc.)  I'm done. 

[dude]

Lend him a decent sum of money that you can afford, and chances are, you'll never see him again.

Reminds me of one of my favorite movie scenes, from "A Bronx Tale," when C is trying to chase down the kid that owes him $20 and has been assiduously avoiding him, when Sonny, his mobster mentorwho happens upon the scene, asks him (paraphrasing, because I can't remember the dialogue exactly), "Why you after this kid?  C replies, "He owes me $20 and he's been ducking me." Sonny: "Are you good friends with this kid?"  To which C replies, "No, I don't really even like him."  Then C says, "So for $20 dollars, you get this kid who you don't even like out of your life.  Consider it money well-spent."

[Patrick A]

Just match his/her effort level.  Don't put any more time or energy into the relationship than they are and things should work out on their own.  Whatever happens, nobody will be at fault and the friendship will have faded away or found a new dynamic.

[mpg350]

I've got a similar friend.  It's hard cutting her out, but she's perpetually sad and makes little real changes.  I can't help her, and I realize that now.  She also complains about being lonely but makes little effort to hang out with me, even when I invite her to do things.  She says I'm her best friend, but....evidence would show otherwise.  I'll have substantially less drama in my life and way less to worry about now!  I'm not doing an official cutting off, just hiding her status updates in my newsfeed on FB which will prevent me from reaching out to her (because I won't see her sad posts) and now that I'm cutting my own hair (she did mine) I won't have that reason to see her.  I wish her well, in life, though, and if she ever gets to the point of wanting to see me I'll happily oblige.  We had made plans to hang out a couple of weeks ago and she never showed or inquired about the details (when/where/etc.)  I'm done.

 Wow I think I have the same friend but is the male version.  I feel for the guy and he is just going thru a divorce with two children.
Luckily he never ask for money.  I am still friends with him but he is so negative I can only take him in small doses.

[Erica/NWEdible]

I've done this a few times. There is something very liberating about saying, "this is the standard of behavior I require to spend my precious non-renewable time on a person" and then enforcing that. It's kinda cutting someone out, but it's more just self-respect. Gets easier each time, too as you realize added stress/drama/etc. isn't really that fun. Good luck.

[MidwestGal]

This one struck a chord with me; there's this person who used to be my friend, one of the first people I met after my move here.  She's not the kind of person to do well by herself because she gets lonely easily.  Story is, she got in this emotionally and financially abusive relationship.  Five years later, I'm done listening to her cry and complain about money and cheating and so on, while I offered either a silent shoulder or validation and a gentle urge to leave that wastoid or at least get counseling.  During this time, she hardly ever asked how I was doing.

I used to fantasize about her taking control of her stiuation, dumping her own dead weight to work on being happy.  It took me a while to realize that I was also fantasizing just as hard about dumping her from my life, so it finally happened.  I really wanted to help her and be her friend, some time ago.

[Adventine]

"this is the standard of behavior I require to spend my precious non-renewable time on a person"

Clever... I think I'm going to borrow that line when I need to deal with the emotionally abusive people in my life.

[CommonCents]

Just match his/her effort level.  Don't put any more time or energy into the relationship than they are and things should work out on their own.  Whatever happens, nobody will be at fault and the friendship will have faded away or found a new dynamic.

+1

Don't make plans contingent on him showing up.  Let him know you're having a BBQ at 1, or you're going to the movies at 7PM with people.  He shows up, great.  If he doesn't, don't wait for him.  You'll be less annoyed if you're not depending on him to show up to do your activity.  And if he asks, just be honest - that you like to see him, he hasn't followed through lots of times before and it's difficult to make plans with him as a result.

[Luck better Skill]

I've got a similar friend.  It's hard cutting her out, but she's perpetually sad and makes little real changes.  I can't help her, and I realize that now.  She also complains about being lonely but makes little effort to hang out with me, even when I invite her to do things.  She says I'm her best friend, but....evidence would show otherwise.  I'll have substantially less drama in my life and way less to worry about now!  I'm not doing an official cutting off, just hiding her status updates in my newsfeed on FB which will prevent me from reaching out to her (because I won't see her sad posts) and now that I'm cutting my own hair (she did mine) I won't have that reason to see her.  I wish her well, in life, though, and if she ever gets to the point of wanting to see me I'll happily oblige.  We had made plans to hang out a couple of weeks ago and she never showed or inquired about the details (when/where/etc.)  I'm done.

 Wow I think I have the same friend but is the male version.  I feel for the guy and he is just going thru a divorce with two children.
Luckily he never ask for money.  I am still friends with him but he is so negative I can only take him in small doses.

  I feel there is a difference between someone who is going through a low point in their life and a pessimist.  Now that low point could change them into a pessimist.  But I'd give the divorce guy some time then set him down and give him the suck it up for yourself and your children story. 

[socaso]

Just match his/her effort level.  Don't put any more time or energy into the relationship than they are and things should work out on their own.  Whatever happens, nobody will be at fault and the friendship will have faded away or found a new dynamic.

+1

Don't make plans contingent on him showing up.  Let him know you're having a BBQ at 1, or you're going to the movies at 7PM with people.  He shows up, great.  If he doesn't, don't wait for him.  You'll be less annoyed if you're not depending on him to show up to do your activity.  And if he asks, just be honest - that you like to see him, he hasn't followed through lots of times before and it's difficult to make plans with him as a result.

We have some friends who have been put in this category. They get invites to parties and group things but we have given up on hanging on one on one. It's cool when they show up for the group things, we have a nice time but it has grown hurtful how little effort they will put into doing one on one things.

[ketchup]

My girlfriend just cut things off with a longtime "friend" off last night.  Unnecessary negativity and all-around awfulness in her life, now gone.

[Nords]

My girlfriend just cut things off with a longtime "friend" off last night.  Unnecessary negativity and all-around awfulness in her life, now gone.

It really cuts down on the gossiping and venting, too...

[Grid]

Just match his/her effort level.  Don't put any more time or energy into the relationship than they are and things should work out on their own.  Whatever happens, nobody will be at fault and the friendship will have faded away or found a new dynamic.

+1 as well.

[Icecreamarsenal]

Just match his/her effort level.  Don't put any more time or energy into the relationship than they are and things should work out on their own.  Whatever happens, nobody will be at fault and the friendship will have faded away or found a new dynamic.

+1

Don't make plans contingent on him showing up.  Let him know you're having a BBQ at 1, or you're going to the movies at 7PM with people.  He shows up, great.  If he doesn't, don't wait for him.  You'll be less annoyed if you're not depending on him to show up to do your activity.  And if he asks, just be honest - that you like to see him, he hasn't followed through lots of times before and it's difficult to make plans with him as a result.

We have some friends who have been put in this category. They get invites to parties and group things but we have given up on hanging on one on one. It's cool when they show up for the group things, we have a nice time but it has grown hurtful how little effort they will put into doing one on one things.

I get the idea of just matching the level of effort. But things get muddied because as mentioned above, it's hurtful.

[scrubbyfish]

There are some awesome posts at captainawkward.com about this topic.

http://captainawkward.com/2011/08/03/reader-question-85-you-can-just-stop-being-friends-with-people-who-annoy-the-shit-out-of-you-seriously-really-truly/

http://captainawkward.com/2014/07/01/595-q-how-do-i-stop-being-so-grumpy-at-people-who-are-monopolizing-my-time-and-attention-a-speak-up/#more-7019

At the end of each post are additional "related posts", too.

From reading this stuff, I've started realizing what I need to say to a guy in my life that drives me batty in very specific things/ways, but who I can't immediately delete from my life. I really do get to go past polite at this stage and give a strong, firm limit now.

[germaine]

I've got a similar friend.  It's hard cutting her out, but she's perpetually sad and makes little real changes.  I can't help her, and I realize that now.  She also complains about being lonely but makes little effort to hang out with me, even when I invite her to do things.  She says I'm her best friend, but....evidence would show otherwise.  I'll have substantially less drama in my life and way less to worry about now!  I'm not doing an official cutting off, just hiding her status updates in my newsfeed on FB which will prevent me from reaching out to her (because I won't see her sad posts) and now that I'm cutting my own hair (she did mine) I won't have that reason to see her.  I wish her well, in life, though, and if she ever gets to the point of wanting to see me I'll happily oblige.  We had made plans to hang out a couple of weeks ago and she never showed or inquired about the details (when/where/etc.)  I'm done.

She sounds (from the relatively info here) clinically depressed.  Even when I really want to see friends and do things, if I'm on a downswing, it's an incredible struggle to actually go see my friends and do things.

[bikebum]

I'll try to find him again in 5 years.

That's cool you are open to being friends in the future. Sometimes people eventually get their act together. It's hard to cut-off friends but sometimes it's the right thing to do.

[Icecreamarsenal]

I'll try to find him again in 5 years.

That's cool you are open to being friends in the future. Sometimes people eventually get their act together. It's hard to cut-off friends but sometimes it's the right thing to do.

He actually came over the other day. I wouldn't pick up his calls or return his texts so he got in touch with my wife and ended up coming over.
It was fine, no big confrontation. Actually no confrontation at all. But I was relieved when he left, as was he, I think. 

I'm open to being friends because I remember reading an article titled 'the 5 biggest regrets of people on their deathbed'. I'll search for it and post it up.

[hybrid]

I've had to let a few friends go over the years, and I've almost always been the one up who initiated the "break-up". In my cases these were usually very good people overall, but they lost sight of how the friendship compact is supposed to work and I ultimately culled them from my social circle. Several years ago a very old friend of mine and I drifted apart. He became very socially conservative and sadly picked up all the negative Rush Limbaugh stereotypes that are associated with that. When he basically insisted I was an envious person because I supported more progressive policies that was the last straw and I said "no mas", which was a shame. But sometimes people just go down different paths.

History counts for much, but the present is what is ultimately important. Sounds to me OP like you've outgrown your old friend. You know what, that's OK.   

[ontario74]

Cut two out this year. Both were raging bores. One had no idea how friendship was supposed to work, i.e. she kept score, and the other just wasn't all that bright. Can't say I miss them! Actually, I feel a lot better not having them around.

[Peony]

I have so few friends, I counted him as one of them.

This kind of sounds to me like you're feeling you might want to be part of a bigger circle. So maybe rather than investing much energy in an unsatisfying friendship with the person you describe, you might want to consciously reach out to some new people who interest you. Go have a beer with someone you've been wanting to know better!

I just spent some time today with someone who I think is going to be a friend and it is a great feeling. She is from another country, has a job that is unlike that of anyone else I know, and seems to have an unique take on life. While I cherish most of my old friends, I am looking forward to expanding my horizons by knowing this new person. And I have a couple of other people on my "get to know" list. Even though I'm old.

[kib]

I've got a similar friend.  I wish her well, in life, though, and if she ever gets to the point of wanting to see me I'll happily oblige.  We had made plans to hang out a couple of weeks ago and she never showed or inquired about the details (when/where/etc.)  I'm done.

She sounds (from the relatively info here) clinically depressed.  Even when I really want to see friends and do things, if I'm on a downswing, it's an incredible struggle to actually go see my friends and do things.

To me ... while it's hard to be sociable when I'm depressed, it's not that hard to be adult and realistic about my illness. There's a difference between taking and running away, or promising and disappearing, and calling - as far before the appointment as possible - and saying, "I'm sorry to bail, but this isn't a good idea for me, I just wouldn't be fit company right now."  In other words there's a difference between being depressed and being inconsiderate.

[stripey]

I'll try to find him again in 5 years.

That's cool you are open to being friends in the future. Sometimes people eventually get their act together. It's hard to cut-off friends but sometimes it's the right thing to do.

He actually came over the other day. I wouldn't pick up his calls or return his texts so he got in touch with my wife and ended up coming over.
It was fine, no big confrontation. Actually no confrontation at all. But I was relieved when he left, as was he, I think. 

I'm open to being friends because I remember reading an article titled 'the 5 biggest regrets of people on their deathbed'. I'll search for it and post it up.

I agree that burning bridges is often a bad idea (unless there is a serious amount of abuse in the relationship, which in your case it doesn't really sound like there is). Particularly if you've been friends for a long time and you may need to encounter them socially in the future, keeping things civil is a good idea.

[Exhale]

In other words there's a difference between being depressed and being inconsiderate.

+1

I finally had to tell a friend that her alcoholism was making it impossible for us to share friendship (she was buzzed/drunk all of the time). Of course, I only did this after all the other steps/interventions. To this day, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Then, two years later, she sent me a letter thanking me for being so honest with her. She wrote how it was knowing that I loved her and yet couldn't be around her that finally got her into treatment. I was deeply grateful that she reached out to let me know. It helped me feel okay (and so happy for her).

[Juslookin]

I did this only once in my life. I mean people come and go from your life on a fairly regular basis as people move on and naturally drift apart. But there came a point in my life where a friend was just wasting my life's energy.

Her and I were very close but our husbands never, mostly because we never did anything together on the weekend. Our kids were little and we did stuff during the week, just her and I and kids.  They were always doing "family stuff" on the weekends, if you count hanging out and even vacationing with her husband's friends as family stuff.

She would often make plans and cancel on me for evenings, leaving me with tickets to a play once, that she still owed me for, I took DH.  All the while DH was telling me that she treated me like crap but I was still having fun with her and was willing to accept it.

The last straw was a 4th of july party we had. Potluck party, invited bunch of people, she actually said that her and her family were coming.  I was surprised but excited that my other friends would meet her family. They were a no show, no call until the next week. I didn't answer, never answered again.

My sister in law bumped into her once and she told me that the "friend" had been held up at one of her husbands friends parties on the fourth and just couldn't get away. Okey dokey, buhbye.

[DeltaBond]

The good people in your life won't ever need to be discussed.  Seriously, I'm sure you know at least ONE person who truly deserves your time and energy more than this 'human'.