Author Topic: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!  (Read 8657 times)

socalteacher

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Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« on: November 22, 2016, 04:32:47 PM »
My wife grew a stache over the past two months. I can not pinpoint the exact moment in time or what the specific catalyst was but the results have been awesome!

Here is some proof that things are really clicking along toward a shared perspective on money and life...

-We were on budget for the first time in 15 years for the month of October and we are looking like we will be under budget for November.
-We have sat down to talk finances at her request (twice) and the conversation did not involve her wanting to buy more stuff but actually to make the budget make more sense to her (she never really cared enough in the past).
-We sat down at the end of October to go over all spending, at her request.
-She did not spend all of her monthly discretionary money in the first 4 days of the month! She actually had a surplus (first ever, not kidding).
-She came up with the idea of tutoring once a week to cover our kids violin lessons and pay for all of their birthday expenses (which were already factored in the budget)
-She purged the house looking for stuff to sell to cover all of our Christmas expenses. As of yesterday and after some Craigslisting and using Amazon rewards points, Christmas will only cost us $50 from our monthly gift budget. I have a feeling that come December we will be at $0.
-The last one, she apologized to me for never caring to understand “all this stuff” and to make our families financial future a priority to her.

pbkmaine

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2016, 04:35:36 PM »
Awww! Nice!

HappierAtHome

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2016, 04:42:54 PM »
Woohoo! Congrats!

Icecreamarsenal

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2016, 07:58:43 PM »
That's great news man.  There's a synergy for a husband and wife team that can't be beat.

arebelspy

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2016, 04:40:32 AM »
Dynamite!  With two people working towards it, you guys will rocket to FI!  :)
I am a former teacher who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, spent some time traveling the world full time and am now settled with three kids.
If you want to know more about me, this Business Insider profile tells the story pretty well.
I (rarely) blog at AdventuringAlong.com. Check out the Now page to see what I'm up to currently.

stashgrower

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2016, 04:43:56 AM »
awwwwww!!! congrats :D

JohnGalt79

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2016, 07:08:34 AM »
Congratulations! 

And, please please please do some research / discussion to try to find out what led to the change in her mindset.  If you do learn any of the "whys", please share.  I suspect anything you learn in this department can help a lot of people/couples.

cdttmm

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2016, 06:18:01 AM »
Congratulations! This is such a great success story so thank you for taking the time to share it with us!

Metric Mouse

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2016, 06:52:13 AM »
Positive change is awesome! Super excited for you.

DailyGrindFree

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2016, 01:35:28 PM »
That is awesome. You will get to your destination a lot quicker now. Congrats.....

socalteacher

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #10 on: November 24, 2016, 02:46:09 PM »
Here are some things that I think helped push her to be reflective and help facilitate change...

-necessity, she works part time and we live in a HCOL area, we just refinanced the house so our payment went up significantly. There is no cushion now. Feet to the fire! I did this on purpose. Sink or swim right? If we can’t stay on budget that means credit cards and debt.
-relationship has always been me in charge of the finances and we have sort of had this me vs her relationship on money, never a team. Best way to describe would be like a parent vs child sort of thing. I cared about the long term and she acted like a child (her words, not mine, but I agree!).
-A few months ago we were going through the usual tension about money when she said something along the line, “You talk about being financially independent or not having to work but I don't know that I really believe that.” My response was to tell her I strongly believe she could retire way earlier than she could imagine and to challenge her to read from other perspectives and not take my word for it. She read some MMM and Frugalwoods. Root of Good also helped get the thoughts going.
-If you want to challenge someone on their materialism, take them to a 3rd world country. You will never see American consumerism in the same light. We have been to some very poor places in the world and it changed me and challenged her.




I asked her to share her thoughts and these are her words on the topic…..


My husband shared with me that some may want to understand why my mindset towards money had finally come in line with his. It was not a quick flip of a switch over night but rather it has been more like a dimmer that has slowly been changing over time. Here are a few things that I believe were contributors.

1. I had very little education or modeling from my parents on how to handle money. They didn't have much but always found ways to provide, which I am thankful for. The negative side to this however was that coupled with my optimistic outlook I took a flippant “everything will be fine” attitude toward money. I felt my husband worried too much about it. Over the years I have seen how my husband’s careful attention to our finances has benefited our family IMMENSELY. I can work part time and enjoy being a mom of our three young children, we own a home, we have no debt (minus the home) and the list goes on. My parents are in their early 70’s now and my dad still works, must work, 7 days a week. I don’t want to ever work 7 days a week let alone till I am in my 70s. Clearly I must do something different! These two dramatic life differences have led me to understand that a flippant attitude towards our finances will not get me where I want to be. Which leads to another reason...

2. My long term life goals (which consisted of retiring at the age of 63, traveling, and being a grandma) were shaped by what most people think retirement is, not what I actually wanted. I never thought much about it.  My husband casually has been sharing about people he reads about who have FIRED. He has also casually mentioned we could do it as well if we wanted to. The idea was intriguing to me and I read some on my own about it.  I have realized I don’t want to work till I am 63. I do however want to travel and be an available grandma..I need a road map to make sure I actually get there. So we made one and for the first time I am driven and SUPER excited about seeing our plan come to fruition. My husband walked me through the possibilities with what we earn etc and plugged it into some calculators to show me the impact of a high savings rate. WOW! Why aren't more people doing this?

3. PAST: Although I would tell you happiness does not come from things, my behavior did not match that mindset. I deeply struggled with this. This also caused my husband to take on a more parent role in hovering over me when it came to spending. (Not good for our marriage.) Over many years this began to change. At first, my motivation was to just avoid conflict with him. Then I realized how much simpler my life was when I wasn’t running off to stores or having my mind consumed with things I wanted to get. Recently my husband also had me listen to a podcast on Opportunity Costs. This made a lot of sense to me and I began to filter my purchases this way, but still with no long term plan. NOW: When I spend money I intentionally weigh it against OUR priorities and long term goals. When I say no to buying something I am ok with that because that means I am saying yes to our future plan.

4. PAST: I didn’t want to talk about money or hear his thoughts on it. It always led to a fight. Those were his thoughts and I had no ownership of them. When I began to choose ON MY OWN to read and listen to topics on being wise and intentional with money it allowed me to take ownership of them as my own. Silly in hindsight, but really important. NOW: When we talk about money I feel like an equal. I am not just amusing him by listening, I am part of the conversation and want to be involved.
Knowledge and education are powerful. Although it took time, all the seeds my husband sowed finally took root. And now I can bloom!

Cassie

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2016, 04:27:06 PM »
You too will really blossom as a couple now! Money fights cause lots of divorces. YOu guys are awesome:))

Metric Mouse

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #12 on: November 24, 2016, 07:09:12 PM »
This is great to have your wife's perspective.  I think that this will help a lot of people in the same situation.

HAPPYINAZ

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2016, 01:26:01 PM »
Awesome!

Gerard

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #14 on: November 26, 2016, 09:21:14 PM »
Please thank your newly-mustachioed babe for sharing her introspections with us. That was good stuff, honest and perceptive.

arebelspy

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #15 on: November 26, 2016, 11:42:24 PM »
Every time I see this post pop up in my unread replies, the title gives me a very vivid picture. 
I am a former teacher who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, spent some time traveling the world full time and am now settled with three kids.
If you want to know more about me, this Business Insider profile tells the story pretty well.
I (rarely) blog at AdventuringAlong.com. Check out the Now page to see what I'm up to currently.

shanghaiMMM

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2016, 12:31:01 AM »

4. PAST: I didn’t want to talk about money or hear his thoughts on it. It always led to a fight. Those were his thoughts and I had no ownership of them. When I began to choose ON MY OWN to read and listen to topics on being wise and intentional with money it allowed me to take ownership of them as my own. Silly in hindsight, but really important. NOW: When we talk about money I feel like an equal. I am not just amusing him by listening, I am part of the conversation and want to be involved.
Knowledge and education are powerful. Although it took time, all the seeds my husband sowed finally took root. And now I can bloom!

Guilty.I made this mistake. I found out about MMM, FIRE etc and got super excited. I rushed in and told my now wife all the things I wanted to do to in order to save money and retire early. As I look back, it seems obvious that this would cause conflict. If someone rushed in and told me to spend more or buy more stuff, I would think they were crazy, and yet that's effectively what I did!

I have backed off a mile and lo and behold, my wife is now mentioning things like decluttering and areas we could save money on. It's much more exciting this way! 

Metric Mouse

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #17 on: November 29, 2016, 03:37:46 AM »

4. PAST: I didn’t want to talk about money or hear his thoughts on it. It always led to a fight. Those were his thoughts and I had no ownership of them. When I began to choose ON MY OWN to read and listen to topics on being wise and intentional with money it allowed me to take ownership of them as my own. Silly in hindsight, but really important. NOW: When we talk about money I feel like an equal. I am not just amusing him by listening, I am part of the conversation and want to be involved.
Knowledge and education are powerful. Although it took time, all the seeds my husband sowed finally took root. And now I can bloom!

Guilty.I made this mistake. I found out about MMM, FIRE etc and got super excited. I rushed in and told my now wife all the things I wanted to do to in order to save money and retire early. As I look back, it seems obvious that this would cause conflict. If someone rushed in and told me to spend more or buy more stuff, I would think they were crazy, and yet that's effectively what I did!

I have backed off a mile and lo and behold, my wife is now mentioning things like decluttering and areas we could save money on. It's much more exciting this way!

It's kinda infectious, isn't it. :D

tthree

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #18 on: November 29, 2016, 10:38:03 AM »
Thank-you for sharing your wife's reflections.  If my DH every gets there I have a feeling his 1&2 would be the same.

socalteacher

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #19 on: November 30, 2016, 05:26:39 PM »
Thank-you for sharing your wife's reflections.  If my DH every gets there I have a feeling his 1&2 would be the same.

It is all about slowly changing/challenging that mindset and the prior learning that the person comes into the marriage with.

Another thing that I thought of was some of the subtle little things I did to challenge her thinking. Over a year ago we were driving on a trip and spending 3+ hours in the car. I asked if she would be ok with me listening to a podcast I had been trying to get to. It was a Radical Personal Finance podcast on opportunity cost (episode 169 to be exact). She listened to it and after it was over I think that was one of the first times we had a positive/productive conversation about money and buying stuff. I think the key was that it was a general conversation about money and not me coming at her over an issue or something she had done. I had no idea that it had influenced her until much later.

Another thing I tried to do was lead silently. I purged most of my personal belongings that were "mine", stuff collected over the years. I cleaned out all of my clothes and simplified my closet. I started to save up my little fund that is allocated to me for anything I want. Over time it adds up! When I spend that money it is on something I really enjoy. Modeling when done quietly and not in an "in your face" kind of way helps too.


Guesl982374

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #20 on: December 01, 2016, 07:21:09 AM »
Best Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa present ever!

Toffeemama

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #21 on: December 01, 2016, 08:44:28 AM »
Congrats!  It's awesome to see a couple really start to work as a true, badass team!  Maybe she'll even grow a bigger mustache than yours ;) 

Stash Engineer

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #22 on: December 02, 2016, 11:48:39 AM »
You sir, are winning!  My wife and I are in a very similar position to yours pre-light-bulb-moment.  I'm usually the initiator of money conversations and most of our conversations currently revolve around her trying to explain why we can't achieve the budgeted expenditure numbers.  She is starting to ask more questions about how I came up with the numbers and I think she's generally shocked at how much money we spend overall though.  The one that really surprised her was the yearly grocery spend (over $7k last year).  I tried to listen to Richest Man in Babylon on a recent car trip, but she got annoyed at the context of the story and totally missed the point.  I'll have to try the more straight forward stuff like the podcast you suggested.

Anyways, thanks for the insight and the motivation!

Icecreamarsenal

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #23 on: December 06, 2016, 10:53:36 AM »
I like the clear way your wife described the reasons why she took to mustachianism.  Although my wife is already mustachian, I will share this with her to see her response.

socalteacher

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #24 on: December 06, 2016, 07:54:52 PM »
I like the clear way your wife described the reasons why she took to mustachianism.  Although my wife is already mustachian, I will share this with her to see her response.

That would be awesome to get her thoughts. I would have dropped some serious coin along the way if we could have gotten here sooner! Never in my dreams would I have thought we would be on budget three months in a row, let alone in the month of December!

This was definitely the one area that we never felt we were a team on. I am just now coming to the realization of the impact this is having on our family not only on our financial picture but also the mindset we are passing on to our kids.

Cheers to fatt staches!

Kaspian

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #25 on: December 07, 2016, 02:41:24 PM »
Here are some things that I think helped push her to be reflective and help facilitate change...

You may think you hand a hand in it, but... 

What a woman may secretly never tell you:  There was actually a guest on "The View" or "Ellen" that they admired who talked about the importance of budgets and money.  Occam's razor.

Either way, it's good news for you!

:P 

FIRE Artist

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #26 on: December 07, 2016, 02:57:27 PM »
Here are some things that I think helped push her to be reflective and help facilitate change...

You may think you hand a hand in it, but... 

What a woman may secretly never tell you:  There was actually a guest on "The View" or "Ellen" that they admired who talked about the importance of budgets and money.  Occam's razor.

Either way, it's good news for you!

:P

This little sexist "joke" helps this thread how?

Icecreamarsenal

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #27 on: December 10, 2016, 10:39:11 AM »
Here are some things that I think helped push her to be reflective and help facilitate change...

You may think you hand a hand in it, but... 

What a woman may secretly never tell you:  There was actually a guest on "The View" or "Ellen" that they admired who talked about the importance of budgets and money.  Occam's razor.

Either way, it's good news for you!

:P

This little sexist "joke" helps this thread how?

Yeah, I'm not sure where this patronizing attitude comes from, uninvited.  Some may consider it harmless, as I'm sure he does, but it limits the scope of a woman's existence by subtly reinforcing presupposed brackets to a proper existence for genders.  The harm in these antediluvian anachronisms is subtle but life-altering, degree by degree.
I'm not a white knight, but dammit dude, my son has a lot more unspoken advantages than his sister.  Nor am I a wet blanket or have outrage-philia, as I likely wouldn't bring this up at a dinner party or other social interaction, but the internet is a different matter.

Get your mind right son!

Also I don't think you used occam's razor correctly.  You may have mislearned that from Top Gear or ESPN.

SassyG

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #28 on: December 22, 2016, 11:00:24 PM »
Great story!! So thankful you shared her words on it. A fantastic insight into the other side, which will certainly help others with the same struggle. Good on ya!

crimwell

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Re: Wow babe, that mustache is looking good on you!
« Reply #29 on: January 01, 2017, 10:10:56 AM »
Here are some things that I think helped push her to be reflective and help facilitate change...

You may think you hand a hand in it, but... 

What a woman may secretly never tell you:  There was actually a guest on "The View" or "Ellen" that they admired who talked about the importance of budgets and money.  Occam's razor.

Either way, it's good news for you!

:P

This little sexist "joke" helps this thread how?

I agree with this that it's uncalled for, but actually a lot of the original poster's comments about being the parent to his wife's child, wife not thinking long term and spending too much, him providing a good example and leading his wife, etc, were already making me feel a bit uncomfortable with some of the sexist connotations even though I'm sure they weren't meant that way, and obviously his wife has endorsed those statements herself.

Sorry to throw cold water on accomplishments of original poster and his wife.  Being on the same page financially is one of the most important aspects of this goal.