Now that I've figured this out, I wonder why microwave popcorn is a thing, and popcorn poppers are things. It takes exactly as long to just put any old pot with a lid on the stove on medium-high, add a little oil, wait 1 minute, add the popcorn, put the lid on, and watch it pop as it does to put the chemical-laden bag of microwave popcorn in a microwave and wait there while it pops. Also, it is a pleasant activity to pop it on the stove. When I figured this out, I got rid of my microwave due to lack of use.
One thing I learned is not to ever use coconut oil for this. They say it is the best for cooking at high temp, but it absorbs into the popcorn and then solidifies as the popcorn cools, and becomes gross in texture and overly heavy.