Author Topic: Could you be this badass?  (Read 2035 times)

ThatGuy

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Could you be this badass?
« on: January 17, 2019, 03:47:54 PM »
We had to put my mom in a nursing home, she has Alzhiemer's and was getting to be more than my dad could handle.  Just a few weeks ago he had knee replacement surgery and I have been staying with him ever since to help him until he is able to take care of himself.  I asked him when he wanted me to leave and his answer was he wanted me to stay forever.  He's lonely even though he is a member in a couple of clubs and he regularly hangs out at Mcdonald's with some folks that are around his age.  I'm 55 and I live alone.  I really like living alone but my question is, would you move back in with a parent?  It would be a boost to my bottom line but I don't know if I could do it.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2019, 10:07:36 PM by ThatGuy »

Stachless

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Re: Could you ne this badass?
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2019, 05:25:10 PM »
I would like to think that in your situation, I would.  Not for the $$$ savings, but for the chance to spend some quality time with your dad at time in his life where he could really use it.  You know this, but he won't be around forever and you'll have the rest of your life to go back to living alone.

Good luck either way!

lexde

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2019, 08:13:48 AM »
Maybe I’m biased because I lost my dad at 17, but I’d definitely go back and live with him if I didn’t have a family of my own (I don’t currently).

Just keep in mind that it’ll be hard to leave if you commit.

I wish there was a program to set up cohabitation with older single people... My grandmother is in her 80s and is very lonely. She has a paid off house and would let someone live with her for free just for the company. (I cannot do that for unrelated reasons).

ketchup

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2019, 08:30:44 AM »
My dad (early 60s, retired) moved in with my grandma (mid 80s) about two years ago.  Up to that point, she lived alone, but really was getting to the point where she needed help.  It's only gotten moreso with time.

He's been a saint helping her like that, but it's gotten to be a lot of work.  He's more than willing to shoulder it, but be aware of what you're potentially signing yourself up for.  Without his help, she'd either need to have full-time live-in help, or need to move to a nursing home, and she wants nothing to do with either option ("I don't want strangers in the house." is very heartbreaking to hear from her).  He definitely doesn't want to leave, but he's aware that he's "stuck" one way or another.

I consider what he's doing to be badass, but not in any financial context.

trollwithamustache

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2019, 08:41:45 AM »
Don't be scared to look for Hospice type help if he isn't 100% independent.  The hospice style in home help / maybe just a housekeeper? can be a big boost in terms of when you are there with him, you guys hang out and do stuff together. Otherwise, you'll be there cleaning his toilet/buying groceries and resenting the last few years you get together.

Living with him  doesn't  necessarily increase quality time.






Malkynn

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2019, 07:29:27 AM »
Some people like living with their parents, some don't. It's not necessarily badass, it's a very personal decision.

Do what makes sense for you, choosing what will be best for you and your dad is what's badass.


BicycleB

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2019, 07:48:37 PM »
It's a judgment call. It depends on the personalities involved.

I could never have lived with my dad as an adult, because he was a pain in the rear. Mom I could live with, but she would prefer her space. In practice, Dad when old got Alzheimer's. We grew closer through the process of my sister and I caring for him, but did not live with him; arranged assisted living, visited frequently, took him to the doctor, etc. Point being, loneliness is a legit need and filling some of it is great, but you have to find solutions that work for both sides. If none exist that are totally satisfying on both sides, you have to decide what is best.

MarciaB

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2019, 10:22:37 AM »
It seems to me that you and your dad would need an "operating agreement" of some kind. A long talk that irons out expectations and responsibilities like who pays for what. And whether you need to check in if you're going to be late for dinner. And how housework happens. And how much personal care you are willing to take on as he ages (bathing? toileting? dressing? banking? etc.). How loud can the TV be on when you're both in the house? What about overnight guests? On and on and on.

Because things will change as time moves on, and it's better to have straightforward conversations up front (manage expectations on both sides).

If you enjoy his company then I would lean towards moving in. But get all the expectations out in the open first. As other posters say, it would be very hard to move back out if things don't go well.

BudgetSlasher

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2019, 11:16:23 AM »
I wouldn't move back in. But, that has to do more with personalities; after about a week of constantly being around my parents it seems like everything (at least with my mom) has a little bit of conflict to it.

Now in a situation where there was a separated in-law suite (say over the garage or in a detached building) . . . I would consider it if it was simply socialize from time to time, help with an odd job around the house, have dinner a couple times a week and generally keep an eye on them.

I have a few friends and family that have that kind of arrangement one has a large shed that has been converted into an in-law apartment for his MIL and another has his father living in a separate house on a separate lot (that is essentially his front yard), but his dad does move into his house for the winter.


Linda_Norway

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2019, 06:08:18 AM »
I would not move back in. You enjoy living on your own. Please keep it that way. You could move closer to your dad and visit him on a daily basis, and maybe have dinner together. But moving in would eventually change you into being a full time caregiver, which is maybe not how you imagined your life to be. Also, if you live in his house, he might not as easily be assigned third-party help when he needs it, as long as he has a caregiver living with him.

TRD

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2019, 03:06:03 AM »
I have a couple times. Once for me when I needed it. Twice for parents to help with recovery from
various surgeries. For the most part we do well together until one day it becomes absolutely imperative for me to leave again because they start forgetting I’m not 12.

I’d do it again if need be but I always go in with an exit plan.

Roger D

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2019, 04:40:47 AM »
I would not move into his house. But I would rent a house next door (or at least in the same street) so that I could help out while still having my own life.

Or, it can be the other way around. My ageing father bought a house five doors away from where my sister lived. I think it worked out well.

I'm a red panda

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2019, 07:37:27 AM »
In my family, it is very common for the parent to move in with the child at this stage in life.
But if you are not tied to a home, moving in with your parent seems to be about the same.

I'd just make sure it isn't a "my house, my rules" situation. You are an adult and should be independent.

ThatGuy

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2019, 05:10:11 PM »
Today I went back to my house.  I was with my dad for a month and I'm going back to work soon so I thought now would be a good time to go.  I could tell he was upset, my sister and I have started talking about options.  No matter what I do it's going to take some time to get everything sorted out.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2019, 12:04:21 AM »
Today I went back to my house.  I was with my dad for a month and I'm going back to work soon so I thought now would be a good time to go.  I could tell he was upset, my sister and I have started talking about options.  No matter what I do it's going to take some time to get everything sorted out.

Good luck to you. I hope you will find a good solution.

ThatGuy

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Re: Could you be this badass?
« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2019, 10:16:05 AM »
Today I went back to my house.  I was with my dad for a month and I'm going back to work soon so I thought now would be a good time to go.  I could tell he was upset, my sister and I have started talking about options.  No matter what I do it's going to take some time to get everything sorted out.

Good luck to you. I hope you will find a good solution.

Thank you, I do too.