Author Topic: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice  (Read 1131 times)

MrMustache

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Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« on: December 13, 2017, 10:47:14 AM »
Hi Mustachians,


I've been starting to have the serious conversations with the SO on buying/renting. We are planning on waiting until after the wedding to purchase. I just recently started at a position at $120k/yr + 7% bonuses and she is around $50k/yr. Currently my savings is light, due to the fact I have aggressively paid down my bad choices down to $4k that is on a 0% card which is that way until May. Now that I got the majority of debt out of the way I am able to put away ~3.5k a month myself.  So by next October I should be able to sock away close to 35-40k. This is including 10% 401k, maxing roth IRA contributions.
For a general idea.. I used rocket loans to get some rough numbers. Since we are looking at having kids in 2019/2020 she wants to move next year once.. and stay there 10+ years. I can't talk her into renting to save 60-70k for 20% down.
300k house - 2600 a month including property taxes with 30k due at closing for down payment, closing costs, escrow. 3500 with the rest of bills, car note, insurance, phone, tolls, gas etc.
200k townhouse - 1800 a month including property taxes, HOA with 18k due at closing. I'm basically at 3k a month now with my current single family home rental.

 

My likes: No yardwork, snow shoveling, maintenance in general, lower cost of living area as taxes are a pain out here. 45 minute drive to and from work and 30 minutes from family. A fence would be nice to have but I've taken my outside on a leash every day for the past 6 years so that part I don't mind.

Her likes/must have's: Big fenced yard, updated kitchen with open floor plan, hardwood floors throughout(every place has carpet here for some reason still it seems. I'm with her on floor plan but I could slowly do renovations after saving). <10 minutes from parents for when we have kids and she has to be close to friends. Drive to work is shorter for me same distance for her.

Now we've pretty much fought about this every time we talk about it which brings me here to get outside opinions.

1 - Am I unreasonable for wanting to stay in a lower COL area with better prices/taxes?
2 - With having kids, is 30 minutes a never ending drive to a parents house? We would be about 10 minutes from my mom, 30 minutes from hers. We will also pretty much be home 5 days a week between us with working from home days by then.
3 - What would your thoughts be on "I need to be close to my friends"? IMO I do what's best for me I would never consider holding my future back for friends since I already did it once. A 30-45 minute drive at this point in life doesn't seem bad to me either.
4 - Am I also unreasonable for not wanting to do yardwork? I'm gone from 630am-630pm M-F. My only me time is weekends so to not spend it doing yardwork would be awesome

Sailor Sam

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Re: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2017, 11:33:12 AM »
Your wants and desires are all perfectly reasonable. Her wants and desires are also all perfectly reasonable. Marriage is compromise, and learning to deal with being half happy about half the time.

Your post troubles me, though. If you and your SO are fighting over - truly fighting and not just discussing - monetary issues then you are definitively not ready to get married. You still have some critical foundation to lay, to make sure you're not building your future happiness on sand. Have you and your SO done any premarital workshops or workbooks, or gone through any 100 questions before marriage lists?

Being on the same financial train with your spouse is one of the most powerful ways of building wealth. Being out of phase on finances can be truly devastating, both financially and emotionally. Make certain sure you're in the former group of people, with a 95% confidence radius, before saying any vows of signing any legal papers.

MrMustache

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Re: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2017, 11:42:32 AM »
It's a discussion that both of us get very frustrated with eachother on. We rarely argue at all outside of this topic so might not be classified as a fight to most.

For the premarital workshop we just found a pastor and going to be going through per-marital counseling and will definitely add the workshops to after new year agenda. Ultimately before any other discussions I wanted to make sure my expectations/wants weren't outrageous.

waltworks

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Re: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2017, 06:27:02 PM »
Well, it sounds like you're not really in a great financial position to buy a house right now. You would be in a year.

If it were me, I'd keep renting until after you have the first kid. Your whole idea of what constitutes a great house may change drastically at that point (most likely to what your wife wants) and the argument will be over by mutual agreement. At the very least you'll have a nice stash saved up for DP and expenses.

Realistically, doing what your wife wants on this is probably the best move. It might not be financially optimal, but you guys have a money firehose available, so you'll be fine financially regardless. In the big picture being FI 6 months sooner is worthless if you're divorced and miserable, right?

-W

aasdfadsf

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Re: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2017, 07:03:39 PM »
We will also pretty much be home 5 days a week between us with working from home days by then.
...
I'm gone from 630am-630pm M-F. My only me time is weekends so to not spend it doing yardwork would be awesome

I'm not sure how these things are both possible unless it's the SO who will be working from home 5 days a week. Do not expect that you can care for a baby and actually get a full work day in at the same time. Not unless you want your work to suck and/or your stress level to explode. If you have access to grandparents, this is a godsend.

MrMustache

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Re: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2017, 07:37:22 AM »
Does SO not do yardwork?

She helped once in the past year with trimming bushes. I do the trimming, grass cutting, raking, snow shoveling, weeds, bagging, dog waste pickup.



We will also pretty much be home 5 days a week between us with working from home days by then.
...
I'm gone from 630am-630pm M-F. My only me time is weekends so to not spend it doing yardwork would be awesome

I'm not sure how these things are both possible unless it's the SO who will be working from home 5 days a week. Do not expect that you can care for a baby and actually get a full work day in at the same time. Not unless you want your work to suck and/or your stress level to explode. If you have access to grandparents, this is a godsend.

I'll get over that part then. I spoke with a coworker about how it is when he works from home (my job is very doable with even a ton of distractions). Grandparents would be retiring before kids and it wouldn't be a far drive. Plus we have access to emergency nanny (sister that does it for a living) if we needed someone within 10 minutes.

Well, it sounds like you're not really in a great financial position to buy a house right now. You would be in a year.

If it were me, I'd keep renting until after you have the first kid. Your whole idea of what constitutes a great house may change drastically at that point (most likely to what your wife wants) and the argument will be over by mutual agreement. At the very least you'll have a nice stash saved up for DP and expenses.

Realistically, doing what your wife wants on this is probably the best move. It might not be financially optimal, but you guys have a money firehose available, so you'll be fine financially regardless. In the big picture being FI 6 months sooner is worthless if you're divorced and miserable, right?

-W

I will try having the conversation about renting one more year. She wants to be in the "forever home" and have the nursery and all that setup but seemed like a strict moving once and not again for a long time. She sees renting as throwing money away although I don't think sees that we can save almost 100k in 24 months with our current situation and keep a cushion the entire step of the way.

Dicey

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Re: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2017, 10:42:36 AM »
One note I heard is that she wants things (in this demand-list house) that she/you plural cannot yet afford. Something to think about and discuss, perhaps.

Also, have you floated the idea of free, unlimited daycare past the potential grandparents or is this just assumed?

Back to add one more thought. Easy access to a park-like park is far cheaper (and more social) than maintaining a park-like backyard.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2017, 10:45:10 AM by Dicey »

MrMustache

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Re: Having the conversation with SO on buying. Need advice
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2017, 12:23:29 PM »
One note I heard is that she wants things (in this demand-list house) that she/you plural cannot yet afford. Something to think about and discuss, perhaps.

Also, have you floated the idea of free, unlimited daycare past the potential grandparents or is this just assumed?

Back to add one more thought. Easy access to a park-like park is far cheaper (and more social) than maintaining a park-like backyard.

This one was discussed and would maybe be 1-3 days a week probably 1-2 days though realistically. She just wants to be close to them so we can go over there at a moments notice and not spend more than 10-15 minutes doing so. The areas I was looking has parks, clubhouses, pools, gyms, basketball and tennis courts, walking trails for the dogs, water for fishing/kayaking (huge pond). Only thing it doesn't have is a fenced yard but tons of open land.