Author Topic: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?  (Read 3196 times)

Giants99

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I am 32, she is 30.  I make roughly 75k, she makes mid 50s. 

Currently living in a condo I bought in 2013, prior to having met her.  Unfortunately it’s a one bedroom.  Plan to have a few kids.  Plan is to live here until she gets pregnant.  As soon as she announces pregnancy, we will start looking for a house.  No rush, could live here with a baby for a few months if need be.

We have discussed houses before and both agree on a specific town we want to live in.  I have roughly 100k of equity in the condo.  She paid me a nominal “rent” payment each month (650) and I pay all the bills, including the mortgage, HOA, gas, electric, cable, etc.  she has student loans, which I wanted her to get paid off (they pretty much are now).

Anyways, I want to either buy a starter home (275-300k) or buy a duplex (varies, 500k plus).  If we buy the starter home, it would later become a rental and we would move into a nice home within 5-6 years.  She wants to just buy a 400k house or so and then never move.

We live in north jersey which has very high property taxes, so I think we need the rental property as a way to hedge and deal with the high property taxes.

Given I am bringing basically all of the cash to this deal for the down payment should I put my foot down on this?  She is a teacher and the way her pay scale works, she will make like 90k in 8 Years compared to 55k now.  Presumably I will be making a good deal more as well too.

Thoughts or suggestions?
« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 08:06:06 PM by Giants99 »

Captain FIRE

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Whoa.  Your wife is your partner, not your child.  I don't recommend "putting your foot down" and throwing around weight because you make more money now or later.  I recommend talking to her and coming to a joint decision that respects both of you.  Even if you have separate finances (it's a little unclear based on your post), you're talking about the home you will both live in.  Talk now, or talk later in therapy, or you'll be talking even later in divorce court.

englishteacheralex

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Yeesh this is awful. I couldn't even read the whole thing. Feel sorry for your wife. This is not a way to be married.

Maybe take a Dave Ramsey class? There are lots of ways to address finances in marriage but Ramsey is popular with the ultra conservative set and has a good approach to marriage/money.

Long story short: your finances merged when you got married. There's no "personal" money. You both get equal votes.

But...is this a troll or something?
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jooniFLORisploo

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Thoughts or suggestions?

Continue conversing together until you reach a decision you're both happy with. You guys just haven't gotten to that point in the dialogue yet. It'll come, but it will require patience on both your parts.
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Giants99

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Whoa.  Your wife is your partner, not your child.  I don't recommend "putting your foot down" and throwing around weight because you make more money now or later.  I recommend talking to her and coming to a joint decision that respects both of you.  Even if you have separate finances (it's a little unclear based on your post), you're talking about the home you will both live in.  Talk now, or talk later in therapy, or you'll be talking even later in divorce court.

We got married over the summer and just recently merged finances.  I know it’s all our money now and you are right, needs to be a mutual decision.

Financially, which do you think is the best idea and how much better would it be for us to do it?  Any points you might suggest to bring up to the wife to support my argument?

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Whoa.  Your wife is your partner, not your child.  I don't recommend "putting your foot down" and throwing around weight because you make more money now or later.  I recommend talking to her and coming to a joint decision that respects both of you.  Even if you have separate finances (it's a little unclear based on your post), you're talking about the home you will both live in.  Talk now, or talk later in therapy, or you'll be talking even later in divorce court.

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SeattleCPA

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Yeesh this is awful. I couldn't even read the whole thing. Feel sorry for your wife. This is not a way to be married.

Maybe take a Dave Ramsey class? There are lots of ways to address finances in marriage but Ramsey is popular with the ultra conservative set and has a good approach to marriage/money.

Long story short: your finances merged when you got married. There's no "personal" money. You both get equal votes.

But...is this a troll or something?

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If I was your spouse, and you expressed your position and justification for it to me, I would be filing for divorce.

My wife and I are partners and friends and lovers.   There is no "mine" and "hers", there is only "ours".

Your description makes it seem that what you see is a roommate with benefits.


Perhaps I've misunderstood.  I hope so.



the_fixer

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Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2018, 11:30:49 PM »
Never mind not worth it
« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 11:36:53 PM by the_fixer »

ixtap

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Perhaps it would help the conversation if you realized you only have as much as you do because you received rent from your wife?

Jtrey17

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2018, 05:40:56 AM »
If I was your spouse, and you expressed your position and justification for it to me, I would be filing for divorce.

My wife and I are partners and friends and lovers.   There is no "mine" and "hers", there is only "ours".

Your description makes it seem that what you see is a roommate with benefits.


Perhaps I've misunderstood.  I hope so.
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former player

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2018, 06:05:04 AM »
I'm not sure I understand the reasoning behind having a rental.  Isn't it the case that in the USA the landlord rather than the tenant is responsible for property taxes?  If so, then by having two houses subject to high property taxes you are doubling your risk.  Also, there are big changes in the effects of property tax coming your way because of the recent "Tax Cuts" Act.  It will take a while for the effects of that to shake out in property taxes and the property market.

You already have a joint annual income of $125k.  Your wife has a steady job with a good income and excellent prospects for future pay rises that will take you to $150k.  On that basis and with a down payment of $100k, a $400k property doesn't look unreasonable to me (but I was in the London property market for many years so I have that bias).  On the downside, having kids will probably decrease income and increase expenses, so you need to take that into account as well.

I understand (having been corrected on this on another thread) that current best advice is for baby to sleep in the same room as the parents for the first six months.  So you have plenty of time before one bedroom becomes an issue.

If you are really concerned about your $100k then a post-nuptial financial agreement would be the way to go.  If you treat your wife as an equal partner in the marriage it may never come into effect.
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Zamboni

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2018, 06:28:15 AM »
I seem to recall a couple of sayings:
"Happy wife, happy life."
"If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

Therefore, I am going to come down firmly on her side here.

Also, I don't think the "starter home, then real home" concept works well unless you are a realtor who makes money on transactions.

Rather, it sounds like you want to be a landlord. Are you serious and all in on building a real estate portfolio? Have your read several laws books about the fundamentals of land lording? Do you know the local land lord-tenant laws? If not, again I think you should just go with your wife's plan entirely. You can buy small homes that you want to rent and move frequently (ARS did that to start his real estate empire), but don't even think about it unless and until 1) you have your wife's full buy-in (sounds like you definitely do not) and 2) you have done lots of homework (sounds like you have not.)

Ocinfo

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2018, 07:12:29 AM »
I can see why most of the responses are pretty negative. There have been posts on here discussing how people should manage money in marriage. It surprises me how traditional the community is in this regard but is socially liberal in most other regards. My wife and I have separate finances and don’t have any shared accounts. We do both know passwords to the other’s accounts and we keep a unified Mint account and NW spreadsheet so we are aware of what each has.

We were together for 10 years before getting married and it just made more sense to keep the same system in place post marriage (been married over 5 years so nearly 16 years together). It works for us, in part because we will not be having kids and we’re both very independent. We have also dealt with, until recently, a big pay difference. It’s extremely important to not make the lower earner feel less important or indebted to the other.

Whether you merge your finances or not, it’s still a joint decision with both of you having equal votes and likely with her having 51%.


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coopdog

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2018, 07:38:13 AM »
I think you are solving a problem you don't have yet. It could take more time than you think to get pregnant. Enjoy your first year of marriage together and stop thinking about it. A lot can change in a year.


nick663

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2018, 07:59:16 AM »
My girlfriend (now wife) and I had a similar arrangement while dating where she kicked in $400/month "rent" on a house I owned and we split the utilities.  Many years later, that equity rolled into our home purchase as "ours" as she lived there for the majority of the time the mortgage was present and had been paying like the mortgage was partially in her name (we split finances proportionally by income).

When shopping for our house we put together a list of what we would both like, talked about it, and made the best decision for both of us.  This involved both of us compromising on certain things (welcome to marriage).

YttriumNitrate

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2018, 08:11:02 AM »
Three questions:

1. How many kids are you planning on having?
2. Will both of you continue to work after the kids are born?
3. What is the cost of daycare in your area?

Try running the numbers considering these factors.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 08:13:04 AM by YttriumNitrate »

MrUpwardlyMobile

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2018, 08:18:18 AM »
Perhaps it would help the conversation if you realized you only have as much as you do because you received rent from your wife?
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Giants99

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2018, 08:31:20 AM »
Three questions:

1. How many kids are you planning on having?
2. Will both of you continue to work after the kids are born?
3. What is the cost of daycare in your area?

Try running the numbers considering these factors.

1. 2 or 3.
2. Yes. 
3. It’s expensive, like 10k per kid full time, full year.  Wife would have summers off though so it would be somewhat less. 

Giants99

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2018, 08:39:26 AM »
I'm not sure I understand the reasoning behind having a rental.  Isn't it the case that in the USA the landlord rather than the tenant is responsible for property taxes?  If so, then by having two houses subject to high property taxes you are doubling your risk.  Also, there are big changes in the effects of property tax coming your way because of the recent "Tax Cuts" Act.  It will take a while for the effects of that to shake out in property taxes and the property market.

You already have a joint annual income of $125k.  Your wife has a steady job with a good income and excellent prospects for future pay rises that will take you to $150k.  On that basis and with a down payment of $100k, a $400k property doesn't look unreasonable to me (but I was in the London property market for many years so I have that bias).  On the downside, having kids will probably decrease income and increase expenses, so you need to take that into account as well.

I understand (having been corrected on this on another thread) that current best advice is for baby to sleep in the same room as the parents for the first six months.  So you have plenty of time before one bedroom becomes an issue.

If you are really concerned about your $100k then a post-nuptial financial agreement would be the way to go.  If you treat your wife as an equal partner in the marriage it may never come into effect.

Rental property can write off property taxes as an expense, as they could prior to the tax change.  It’s really just about getting a property to take the edge off of housing expenses in general. 

Most likely scenario would be live in “starter home” for approximately 5-6 years, rent it out, buy “forever home”, live there for 30-35 years.  Keep rental all that time, having it make me money.  Retire, have two paid off houses.  Eventually sell off “forever home”, pocket cash and move back into “starter home” for retirement.

MrUpwardlyMobile

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2018, 08:58:29 AM »
Three questions:

1. How many kids are you planning on having?
2. Will both of you continue to work after the kids are born?
3. What is the cost of daycare in your area?

Try running the numbers considering these factors.

1. 2 or 3.
2. Yes. 
3. It’s expensive, like 10k per kid full time, full year.  Wife would have summers off though so it would be somewhat less.
you may be under estimating daycare costs. Across the Hudson, daycare will cost us 1600-2100 per month.
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Jon Bon

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2018, 09:07:29 AM »
I'm not sure I understand the reasoning behind having a rental.  Isn't it the case that in the USA the landlord rather than the tenant is responsible for property taxes?  If so, then by having two houses subject to high property taxes you are doubling your risk.  Also, there are big changes in the effects of property tax coming your way because of the recent "Tax Cuts" Act.  It will take a while for the effects of that to shake out in property taxes and the property market.

You already have a joint annual income of $125k.  Your wife has a steady job with a good income and excellent prospects for future pay rises that will take you to $150k.  On that basis and with a down payment of $100k, a $400k property doesn't look unreasonable to me (but I was in the London property market for many years so I have that bias).  On the downside, having kids will probably decrease income and increase expenses, so you need to take that into account as well.

I understand (having been corrected on this on another thread) that current best advice is for baby to sleep in the same room as the parents for the first six months.  So you have plenty of time before one bedroom becomes an issue.

If you are really concerned about your $100k then a post-nuptial financial agreement would be the way to go.  If you treat your wife as an equal partner in the marriage it may never come into effect.

Rental property can write off property taxes as an expense, as they could prior to the tax change.  It’s really just about getting a property to take the edge off of housing expenses in general. 

Most likely scenario would be live in “starter home” for approximately 5-6 years, rent it out, buy “forever home”, live there for 30-35 years.  Keep rental all that time, having it make me money.  Retire, have two paid off houses.  Eventually sell off “forever home”, pocket cash and move back into “starter home” for retirement.

Numbers are good here.

400k house that rents for 4500 a month, yes that works. 400k house that rents for 2500 a month? This is terrible and you should never do this! Unfortunately lots of people tend to think its a good idea because "it makes money" (Which is actually not true). I would not go into this thinking about buying a house and keeping it as a rental unless you are confident it will beat the 1% rule, and or it is a multifamily.

As to your initial comments I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and you did not mean to come off that way. Sure we have all put our foot down with our spouses at one time or another, and sometimes they put their foot down on us. However, a house does not feel like the type of thing you should be doing this on, unless your spouse wants something crazy expensive and way beyond your means.  The fact that you have "pre-marriage equity" straight up does not apply anymore.

Again numbers on what you are looking for are a big deal, I also heard the tax situation in NJ is completely untenable, like all the public pension funds are so underfunded a tax bomb is coming at some point? True? Yes? No? Maybe just something to may attention too.


YttriumNitrate

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2018, 11:33:51 AM »
1. 2 or 3.
2. Yes. 
3. It’s expensive, like 10k per kid full time, full year.  Wife would have summers off though so it would be somewhat less.
Using this $400k house as an example, you'll be paying about $11k a year in property taxes. Assuming a $300k loan, a 4.5% 30 year fixed loan (rates seem to be going up after all) with $1500 a year in insurance, your monthly PITI would be close to $2,600 a month or $31,000 a year. Using MrUpwardlyMobile's low range number of $1600 a month for daycare, that's another $19,000 per kid per year.

Assuming your combined incomes get to $150k, you'll be be paying about $13k a year to FICA, $10k federal and maybe $5k in state income tax. With two kids in daycare that totals $97,000 a year in expenses before you've eaten or heated your house. Things could be pretty tight for a while...

WhiteTrashCash

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2018, 11:36:44 AM »
I'm just impressed that you were able to purchase a house that came with a free wife. That's incredible.

jooniFLORisploo

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2018, 11:38:13 AM »
YttriumNitrate, that was awesome!!
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Giants99

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2018, 11:55:49 AM »
1. 2 or 3.
2. Yes. 
3. It’s expensive, like 10k per kid full time, full year.  Wife would have summers off though so it would be somewhat less.
Using this $400k house as an example, you'll be paying about $11k a year in property taxes. Assuming a $300k loan, a 4.5% 30 year fixed loan (rates seem to be going up after all) with $1500 a year in insurance, your monthly PITI would be close to $2,600 a month or $31,000 a year. Using MrUpwardlyMobile's low range number of $1600 a month for daycare, that's another $19,000 per kid per year.

Assuming your combined incomes get to $150k, you'll be be paying about $13k a year to FICA, $10k federal and maybe $5k in state income tax. With two kids in daycare that totals $97,000 a year in expenses before you've eaten or heated your house. Things could be pretty tight for a while...

This supports my argument for the 300k starter house, which would have more like $8500 in property taxes.  We soldier through for the lean years with kids in pre school/daycare, then in 5-6 years those expenses are largely gone and our incomes should be higher.  Then we rent it out and get a house in the 400-450k price range. 

I do think the estimated day care costs you quoted are high though.  Either way, you can knock off two months in the summer for when she is on summer break.

Tuskalusa

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2018, 12:09:47 PM »
I think you might want to start by going to a bunch of open houses together to see what your money buys you. When we were first married, we had lots of grand plans for our first house. We looked at everything, and we settled on a 3-bedroom condo. We had a lot of conversations like yours. After looking at lots of things, we realized what our life and schedules would support. (Condo, move in ready but in need of updates). Our loan was approved for $400k, but we settled on a $320k house.

Also, if you’re planning on having kids, keep in mind that you won’t have a ton of time to do remodels for the first few years. You also will probably need daycare, since you are both working. That takes up a good amount of cash. So, make sure to get a house that acknowledges these realities. (BTW, I can see why you wife is pushing for a more expensive house that you can settle in to. With kids in your plans, you are hitting a period of time when you need to settle in and focus on family...probably more than remodeling or learning to be a landlord.)

The $300k house sounds like a good balance, if there’s something available in your area.

jooniFLORisploo

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2018, 12:11:59 PM »
Giants99:

1. Have you tried a calculator like NYT buy vs rent? (You can modify your inputs so that you're ultimately viewing ownership costs for each potential purchase, rather than deciding rent vs buy.)

2. Some child care spaces will only hold a spot if you're paying for it year-round. Some will additionally only hold the spot if you're actively using it year round.

3. Before/after school care can also be expensive, hard to get/keep, etc. Daycare costs don't necessarily drop a LOT from pre-K to school-age. When you factor in other costs for school-age kids...

4. Usually two people can continue hunting for a property that meets both person's needs. i.e. Maybe instead, you guys find a 400k forever home with a suite you can rent out immediately and ongoing, then purchase a rental house later.
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Zamboni

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2018, 06:20:25 PM »
I'm just impressed that you were able to purchase a house that came with a free wife. That's incredible.

:-)

MrUpwardlyMobile

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2018, 07:20:41 PM »
1. 2 or 3.
2. Yes. 
3. It’s expensive, like 10k per kid full time, full year.  Wife would have summers off though so it would be somewhat less.
Using this $400k house as an example, you'll be paying about $11k a year in property taxes. Assuming a $300k loan, a 4.5% 30 year fixed loan (rates seem to be going up after all) with $1500 a year in insurance, your monthly PITI would be close to $2,600 a month or $31,000 a year. Using MrUpwardlyMobile's low range number of $1600 a month for daycare, that's another $19,000 per kid per year.

Assuming your combined incomes get to $150k, you'll be be paying about $13k a year to FICA, $10k federal and maybe $5k in state income tax. With two kids in daycare that totals $97,000 a year in expenses before you've eaten or heated your house. Things could be pretty tight for a while...

This supports my argument for the 300k starter house, which would have more like $8500 in property taxes.  We soldier through for the lean years with kids in pre school/daycare, then in 5-6 years those expenses are largely gone and our incomes should be higher.  Then we rent it out and get a house in the 400-450k price range. 

I do think the estimated day care costs you quoted are high though.  Either way, you can knock off two months in the summer for when she is on summer break.
. Daycare is north jersey is closer to $16,000 per year.  Additionally, if either of you gets overtime or bonuses from working extra, the hour constraints on daycare will be hurting your income levels.
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calimom

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2018, 10:04:03 PM »
Yes, with that kind of income/asset disparity, you need to make ALL the decisions. Plus, she should make you a sandwich whenever you want.

Tuskalusa

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #31 on: January 13, 2018, 11:44:05 PM »
Here in CA, most daycares will charge based on full year enrollment. If you were to pull your kids out for the summer, you might not be able to get them back in during the fall. Something to think about.

It seems like you’re assimilating this information to support your ideas for the house.  Your wife’s thoughts on why she might want a different situation are valid. Just because you’re bringing in more equity now doesn’t mean that you’ll always be the one with the upper hand financially forever. It you guys are in this marriage together, this needs to be an equal decision with equal weight.

Lyssa

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #32 on: January 14, 2018, 12:31:11 AM »
You don't get to "put your foot down" re major life decisions in a marriage, regardless of how much you make.

Both of you need to be fully on board re where you live, on roughly what budget, if and how many kids to have and how to raise them. Minor stuff (hobbies of each spouse, how they spend their respective "play money", get togethers with friends etc.) can and sometimes should be decided unilaterally, but a home purchase? This would almost surely create resentment down the line.

JacobEhrgott

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2018, 06:27:44 AM »
Hi there,

I’m pretty big into real estate and a 275k Single family home is going to lose money every month once you turn it into a rental. The only thing you’d be gaining is equity via loan pay down but it would feel like a noose around your neck imo. I’d go straight for the 400k home if you have 25% to put down and plan to be there in 5 years anyway.

Jake

Northern gal

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2018, 06:36:05 AM »
I'm just impressed that you were able to purchase a house that came with a free wife. That's incredible.

+1.

I’m all for people working out their own relationship dynamic - someone out there is buying all those “50 shades” books after all, so i don’t think everything always has to be talked to death by consensus just because it’s politically correct to do so.

BUT there needs to be consent. If your wife says “honey I’m not interested in money please can you take charge” that is very different to you “putting your foot down” because you want to do the starter home thing.

From personal experience, accumulating your first $100k is a big milestone and it can feel monumental, I think you will find you relax a little once you see your wealth accumulation accelerate. Chances are your next $100k, and the ones after that, will be easier and easier. Until one day a $100k mismatch between your wife and yourself will not seem like such a big deal anymore and you will start to notice that adequate  financial resources are a necessary but not a sufficient condition for a happy family or life.

I did the starter home / upgrade route and it barely paid off. I probably made minimum wage on the time spent doing up houses. It did feel safer at the time though, if I had lost my job at any given time I may think differently but as it is I didn’t and thus could have gone straight for the nicer house, in hindsight.

Finally, as a mum, I’d say your wife’s concerns around a “move in ready” place are valid. The only caution I’d put on it is kids mark houses. They bang toy trains into corners, use crayons on walls and distribute all kinds of stuff on carpets. Save your sanity by making allowance for this, (in addition to obviously trying to teach them not to).
« Last Edit: January 15, 2018, 05:00:55 AM by Northern gal »

clarkfan1979

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #35 on: January 15, 2018, 07:13:21 PM »
I screen the houses first, then we look at them together and we make a joint decision. My wife is not very good at understanding how much house we can afford. If my wife was picking the housing list we wouldn't be able to qualify for 75% of them. She openly admits that she pays more attention to the actual house than the numbers. However, she is very good at making it a home.

ysette9

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #36 on: January 15, 2018, 07:31:16 PM »
We bought a “starter home” with the intent of staying in it 5 years or so. Looking back on it, it was a silly move and we are lucky property values went up in that time or it would have been a costly mistake. If I could do it over I would just rent until I had the money to buy what I really wanted. There are all sorts of transactional costs related with buying and selling and moving. Why waste those resources?

We combined money when we got married. It took some getting used to because we had been together for a long time before also. But I really appreciated becoming a team instead of two halves. We suddenly had our goals and our money and our joint vision for what we were doing. We are a kick-ass team and our net worth has gone crazy ever since we teamed up. Marriage to a like-minded individual has been the most powerful engine on our path to FIRE. My point is that it is critical that you two be a team and make joint decisions because it will really help you both. If you are butting heads then you aren’t going to go anywhere.

And yes to what someone else said:  babies are supposed to sleep in the same room as you for the first six months to reduce SIDS risk. Also, making a baby can take a long time, so don’t delay there nor take it for granted.
"It'll be great!"

Domigab

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #37 on: January 16, 2018, 02:47:39 PM »
This happened with my parents. My father picked the house they bought because he was buying it outright. My mom still resents him to this day about the house. The marriage did not survive for other reasons. In my experience unilateral financial decisions and mistakes have not helped my marriage. We are working through it but it takes time to rebuild trust. My brother lives in North NJ. For two older children the cost of daycare is a minimum of $2k.

J_Stache

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2018, 03:01:27 PM »
Especially in NJ, it's often easier to rent a condo than a house (and for the same monthly rent).  I'd consider staying in the condo for a while longer and saving up a down payment for the "forever home" and renting out the condo. 

Christof

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2018, 03:18:58 PM »
Can't tell you what to do... However, we bought a house intending to have about three kids when we were in our late twenties. We didn't feel old then and were actually pretty early for buying this kind of house in Germany. What we didn't expect was that it took us eight years to get our first and only child. In hindsight we shouldn't have bought a house before having a kid. Kids don't need a lot the first year or two, but love, food and sleep. Now it's hard to move or downgrade, because we are kind of established in this community.

Having a kid for me was a bigger change than I expected. I changed a lot of priorities to the point that I don't recall what it was like when we had 24 hours to ourselves each day.

mustachepungoeshere

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #40 on: January 16, 2018, 03:31:54 PM »
This happened with my parents. My father picked the house they bought because he was buying it outright. My mom still resents him to this day about the house. The marriage did not survive for other reasons. In my experience unilateral financial decisions and mistakes have not helped my marriage. We are working through it but it takes time to rebuild trust. My brother lives in North NJ. For two older children the cost of daycare is a minimum of $2k.

I knew a couple like this.

He put wood panelling in their house because it had been in his parents' house when he grew up. His wife hated it, she said it was dated then.

They lived in the house for all 60 years of their marriage. He died a few years ago, but she is still there and so is the wood panelling.

She still hates it, but isn't up to doing major renovations at 90-something. I can't imagine being bitter about something for so long.

Penelope Vandergast

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #41 on: January 17, 2018, 11:54:07 AM »
On daycare costs: Many daycare providers will require you to sign a 12-month contract. They are running a business and can't have people wandering in and out when they feel like it. Even if you don't use daycare in the summer, you might still have to pay for it in order to keep your spot. Good daycare centers in urban areas can have waitlists that are literally years long, as in, you sign up for a spot when you are pregnant, and maybe when the kid is 2 or 3 you might get a slot.

I also agree that you seem to be forgetting that your wife is bringing a substantial amount of income into your household, among other things, and that "putting your foot down" about something as important as WHERE YOU LIVE AND SPEND YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE rightly would, in many cases, result in no wife. I mean, what if she did that to you?

arob54600

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #42 on: January 17, 2018, 01:25:45 PM »
I would just like to say, although buying a house is a big decision and can greatly impact living costs, things can change. You might move in to a house and NEVER want to move again. OR you might get the keys and know instantly that you've made a horrible mistake... like us.

We bought our first house 3 years ago with every intention of it being a forever home.  Unknown to me, it was a horribly racist and hostile neighborhood. I am mixed race and my husband is white, I had never been so uncomfortable in my surroundings. I had no way of knowing until we had already signed the paperwork and moved in. I am talking assholes shooting at our house pretending to "squirrel hunt". The police getting called for suspicious activity when we are hanging out on the patio quietly minding our own business. Neighbors threating to kill other neighbors dogs. This was all in little white nice suburbia.  We put our house back on the market and got the hell out, luckily the market was with us.

What I am trying to say is, you can do all the research and all the planning, the price can be right, but until you move in and meet who you have to deal with everyday, you don't know what you got. I couldn't stand our last house, luckily my husband really worked with me and got to understand why I was so upset and cared enough to move us to a much more diverse and wonderful neighborhood (for both of us).

Thinking about your spouse's needs can never be wrong, so I would start with that and then build.

JLee

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #43 on: January 17, 2018, 01:29:38 PM »
1. 2 or 3.
2. Yes. 
3. It’s expensive, like 10k per kid full time, full year.  Wife would have summers off though so it would be somewhat less.
Using this $400k house as an example, you'll be paying about $11k a year in property taxes. Assuming a $300k loan, a 4.5% 30 year fixed loan (rates seem to be going up after all) with $1500 a year in insurance, your monthly PITI would be close to $2,600 a month or $31,000 a year. Using MrUpwardlyMobile's low range number of $1600 a month for daycare, that's another $19,000 per kid per year.

Assuming your combined incomes get to $150k, you'll be be paying about $13k a year to FICA, $10k federal and maybe $5k in state income tax. With two kids in daycare that totals $97,000 a year in expenses before you've eaten or heated your house. Things could be pretty tight for a while...

This supports my argument for the 300k starter house, which would have more like $8500 in property taxes.  We soldier through for the lean years with kids in pre school/daycare, then in 5-6 years those expenses are largely gone and our incomes should be higher.  Then we rent it out and get a house in the 400-450k price range. 

I do think the estimated day care costs you quoted are high though.  Either way, you can knock off two months in the summer for when she is on summer break.

I'm renting a 2br apartment in north Jersey for just under $2k/mo.  I would not consider buying anything here...the taxes are obscene.

From what I've seen, houses in the $300k range are not in great areas.

Mr. Boh

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #44 on: January 18, 2018, 03:20:52 PM »
Yes, with that kind of income/asset disparity, you need to make ALL the decisions. Plus, she should make you a sandwich whenever you want.

Too funny! I'm going to show this to my wife because I really like sandwiches.

canuckystan

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #45 on: February 14, 2018, 08:20:22 AM »
Happy wife happy life.  Put your foot down and be miserable for years.  And if the day comes where you are unemployed and she makes more, watch all your toys go bye bye when she puts her foot down. 

MommyCake

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Re: Personally bringing 100k to home purchase with wife, I make the decisions?
« Reply #46 on: February 14, 2018, 12:56:46 PM »
I'm also in North Jersey, own some rental property, and have children.  Our daycare in Bergen County costs exactly $351 a week for one toddler, over 18k a year.  I believe other counties in North Jersey (Passaic county for example) may be less expensive.  So yes, I agree with the others who say you may be underestimating daycare costs.

I would suggest talking to your wife about the possibility of purchasing a multi-family home.  In many areas of north jersey, you can get a two family for 300-400k.  Linden/Union county is a good example.  You can live in one apt and rent the other.  The tenant will cover the taxes and then some, greatly reducing what you would need to kick in out of your own paycheck(s).  The 400k house may be just slightly out of reach right now given your combined income.  Go over the numbers with her so that she understands it will be a stretch.  Remind her that it is important not to overextend yourselves because once the baby/babies arrive expenses will increase and you will want to (probably) start saving for college. 

This is just a suggestion from someone local who has been through the same situation.  This strategy worked for me.  We were able to save a significant portion of income, enabling us to afford a single family home within only a couple of years.  The two bedroom apartment was big enough for us at first, because as others have said, your baby will sleep in the same room as you for quite a while.