When I went off to college, my Mom's comment was, "You're leaving just as you're getting to be a nice person to live with again."
That's awesome that she admitted it to you. I have started an "adult" relationship with my 23 year old and let me tell you, it's soooooo much nicer than our DAD and 16 year old emotional teen girl relationship from five years back.
I think "being there" for teens is a very different need than when they're younger.
I have a LOT more empathy for my poor mom now, though. She tried really really hard and I was such a jerk about it in high school.
Lots of good points. I will say that I agree, "being there" for teens really involves being willing to do what THEY want to do when THEY want to do it and if your schedule doesn't align with their whims, too bad. I admit, I was exactly the same way at 17... I'll also admit, I'm a cheap/stern/homebody who probably ISN'T much fun to be around 90% of the time BUT I am making an effort to be pleasant and offer suggestions like "hey, let's play a quick round of a board game or what have you".... I'm also quick to show up when a tire goes flat and she needs a hand (she still has to change the tire... I just teach and supervise). I'll keep putting in the effort because I know it makes a difference, even if it's not immediately seen.
To your second point, I also agree, becoming an adult, and then a parent made me realize what a complete shit I was at 18, but, then again, when I hit 30 I realized I was still at dumb ass at 25, then I hit 35 and realized I didn't know shit at 30, I hit 40 and yep, came to terms with the fact that I'm probably never gonna get this game figured out and I almost always look back and think "damn, I was a real mess back then (last year....)".....
We are kindred spirits.
I always scratch my head when I hear people (usually women in my family) talk about how they don't want to go back to work so they can "be there" when their kids are teenagers.
I think the kindred spirits thing may be the biggest issue. Me and kiddo are night and day. She's into material things (aren't all teens?) and watching TV, playing with her iphone (that she bought, she knows I'd never do that) and I'm a very active person who enjoys working outside, with my hands, and reading for down-time... She and her mother are the kindred spirits in this house, maybe I'm jealous?
I agree that "being there" for a teen may not be the smartest goal to have. My purpose wasn't to raise her, just to be around to watch the process and offer support/advice/lessons learned when I can. I try to wait for "teaching moments" and provide value when I can rather than be "all knowing dad" all the time... I admit I've still got a lot to learn but damn, I wish they'd listen to us a little more and make their path a little less bumpy....
I also have a 7 yo who is fine at this point but geez I don't want another difficult teen. The other two were the easiest and best kids ever as well. They are just struggling growing up.
Damn steveo, just damn.... that really puts my bitching into perspective doesn't it (not saying you are bitching, that I was with my OP).
When we were raising our oldest, she was HELL from 13-17, we were attending family counseling at one point and the counselor asked "Is she doing drugs? Is she engaged in unprotected sex? Is she drinking?" and those type of questions, the answer to which was no/no/no... he looked at us and asked, what's the problem then?
I feel for you and the challenges you are facing, it's not easy. I will say each kid is so different it's mind blowing some times. The oldest was a real PITA, the youngest waited until 11th grade to become a challenge but, even then, she's a minor irritant compared to the drama of her big sister.
Hang in there! I'd say it gets better BUT, I don't know that I'll ever stop worrying about my kids or hoping they have an easier life. I guess that's the role of a parent.