I married young and my husband was a much older divorced dad who ran his own business. We had a large family so I have been a stay at home mom for many years. My husband is a workaholic who is just now starting to retire-he works around 4 hours a day but most of the day is spent at home with me and it's driving me crazy. I am a homebody with a parent with Alzheimers. My husband suffers from ADHD and depression and I didn't really have to deal with it much because he worked 60-80 hours a week for years. He doesn't want to travel, doesn't have any hobbies but he does think that he is still the boss but with nobody to boss around it's directed at me. He is spending more time in the kitchen which I thought would be good but he makes a tremendous mess so I have to clean up afterward. He controls the television, blares his classical music all day and asks what each and every telephone call, piece of mail is, etc and it's driving me crazy. We had an excellent marriage until now. He has gone for treatment but left it. I'm afraid if I talk about counseling together it will result in divorce and that would be financially devastating to me.
Has anyone here found that they are incompatible with their spouse in retirement but had no problems before that? Please don't leave cruel comments, I have several autoimmune diseases that leave me tired most of the time so I tend to be a homebody because I only have so much energy to expend each day.
I totally get the "I only have so much energy to expend each day". I know that is a real thing, but lucky for me things mysteriously improve sometimes:) Stress certainly does not help and while I can usually manage and on occasion even power through, I am totally exhausted afterwards. Worse, the exhaustion can carry over into the next day, so I'm beat, before I ever get up.
I wanted to chime in about your comment of financial devastation if you were to divorce. First off, don't build that up in your head. Fear is never a good negotiator and right now you need your wits about you to improve this new situation you find yourself in.
I agree with the poster who mentioned even if he does not want to get help - you need someone on your side that you can talk to and can give you tips on how to deal with your situation. You may have to try more than one counselor to find one, that works best for you - that is paramount.
Having a parent with Alzheimer's is a huge responsibility and energy drain.
You need time to yourself and peace and quiet, to nap and regenerate or just watch some brainless but entertaining show on TV - a place you can curl up with a glass of wine or tea and a good book if you feel like it.
My suggestion would be to immediately set up a space for yourself, preferably with your own TV and computer so you can check-out, when you need to.
I don't know what to say about the kitchen. I just tell him to get out, the kitchen is my domain - I can do it better and faster and he's in my way. I'll ask him for help when I need it and I set him up with a cutting board and the veggies or potatoes or whatever. We have a sip of something while I cook and he preps and fills the glasses and sets the table.
When I am too tired after dinner I ask him to help with the dishes, more often than not, he just says you cooked, I'll clean. Expecting you to clean up his mess when he is now retired is unacceptable in my book.
You need to be upfront with him, nip it in the bud or he will run right over you in his anxiety. Explain to him in no uncertain terms that you already have a full time job and you really could use his help around the house. Tell him it would be great if he took over supper a couple of nights a week or started fixing breakfast or whatever - ask him to run the vacuum or something that is not too unmanly:)
Get him involved in a way that relieves you whether that is washing the sheets and towels or him going grocery shopping.
I doubt he'll quit hogging the TV, so get your own. I had to, because I am not a big fan of war movies:)
You love him, so that puts you miles ahead in the game, ask his input, figure it out between the two of you. He has too much energy - so find something for him to do or better yet get involved with/in. Local politics-poker with his friends? Building a shed? Painting the house?
It is an adjustment, hang in there, eventually this may resolve itself to your satisfaction. Meanwhile - go get support, wishing you the best.