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need honest dialogue about trouble adjusting in retirement

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reformed spendthrift:
I married young and my husband was a much older divorced dad who ran his own business. We had a large family so I have been a stay at home mom for many years. My husband is a workaholic who is just now starting to retire-he works around 4 hours a day but most of the day is spent at home with me and it's driving me crazy. I am a homebody with a parent with Alzheimers. My husband suffers from ADHD and depression and I didn't really have to deal with it much because he worked 60-80 hours a week for years. He doesn't want to travel, doesn't have any hobbies but he does think that he is still the boss but with nobody to boss around it's directed at me. He is spending more time in the kitchen which I thought would be good but he makes a tremendous mess so I have to clean up afterward. He controls the television, blares his classical music all day and asks what each and every telephone call, piece of mail is, etc and it's driving me crazy. We had an excellent marriage until now. He has gone for treatment but left it.  I'm afraid if I talk about counseling together it will result in divorce and that would be financially devastating to me.

Has anyone here found that they are incompatible with their spouse in retirement but had no problems before that? Please don't leave cruel comments, I have several autoimmune diseases that leave me tired most of the time so I tend to be a homebody because I only have so much energy to expend each day.

ixtap:
It is an adjustment period. My father was like this for awhile, but now he is less The Boss than he was even while he was working. It is like it had to get worse before it could get better.

He sounds like the kind of person who defined himself by his work (there is even a current thread here about someone who doesn't know who he is if he isn't an engineer). He needs time to find the new him.

Is there a cause that he could volunteer with to keep him out of the house for awhile? Could he take up a hobby that keeps him busy? Have you sat down and discussed the new division of labor for the new reality?

What is his reasoning for not cleaning up after himself in the kitchen? Personally, I love the "the cook doesn't have to do the dishes" division of labor, but I find it isn't all that practical with our current lifestyle.

reformed spendthrift:
Thank you for your kind words- I worried about putting this "out there" because I do love my husband.

The reason for his messiness is the ADHD. He is forever dropping things, rushing things, forgetting appts. etc. I never had to deal with his ADHD because he was gone so much of the time. He tends to always be in a rush so he tends to rush his cooking, cleaning etc to the point where I worry if the meat is completely done.

As he is older and I have always been the traditional wife, I think it may be a little late to start the talk about division of labor. He does all the outside work so I am happy with that.

joonifloofeefloo:
I don't have a spouse, so cannot comment, but wanted to pop in a supportive comment so that you keep feeling okay about putting this out there.

Your post sounds fair, reasonable, authentic.
A LOT of couples have a hard time adjusting to the second person newly being home full-time.
Sounds, messes -or tidying up after the other- questions, reduced privacy, reduced solitude, different rhythm.
For me, those kinds of things are hard to cope with -even in a housemate, AirBnB neighbour, etc- and I could sure see how that could be so even within the context of a long marriage. Those are BIG changes.

You're definitely not alone.

The positive in a marriage (vs AirBnB neighbour, etc) is that there is time available for everyone to readjust. I could imagine that taking 1-5 years, though.

Sibley:
OP, it is never too late to discuss and adjust division of labor.

Think of it this way - right now, things aren't working for YOU. If you don't sort these issues out, over time it will lead to resentment, which will destroy your relationship.

So, yes, it's an adjustment for both of you. You both need to come to a new arrangement that works for you, individually and combined. Good luck.

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