Author Topic: FIRE impact on your marriage  (Read 6982 times)

rob in cal

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FIRE impact on your marriage
« on: January 27, 2017, 11:31:03 PM »
   So I'm wondering how being FIRED has impacted marriages. I'm hoping that its positive, especially with having more time to devote to ones spouse and other family members.  OTOH, maybe there are some people for whom a structured work week was actually good for their relationship and now things are out of kilter?

pbkmaine

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2017, 12:06:15 AM »
It's an adjustment, but for us it's been positive. The key in our life was finding a place we both liked with lots of activities. We have things we do together (bike riding, swimming, watching sci-fi and murder mysteries) and things we do apart (computer and technology groups for him, social and volunteer activities for me.) We also have a big group of friends we do stuff with. But we fundamentally like each other and always have. My husband is a lot like my father, whom I adored. That makes it easy to be with him.

soccerluvof4

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2017, 07:29:11 AM »
My DW and I are very different though or values or end game is the same. The thing we had to learn was there are times in the day you spend together and times you need your space. We would have breakfast and go to the gym everyday and then within the house do our own things only to meat up with the kids around dinner time and then again run them in different directions. Shes a bigger reader and loves time and space for that and I like to watch TV. When I talk past tense its because she recently just took a job for a year or so till we see how this healthcare thing all shakes out. Now I miss her being around so that says how the adjustment worked out.
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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2017, 06:28:23 PM »
Initially, it took a bit of adjusting to having so much more face time together than when I was working but that sorted itself out. If you are prepared to negotiate and, when necessary, compromise in your relationship, FIRE will present a winnable challenge.

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2017, 07:47:46 PM »
A lot more facetime can be tricky. In our case, it was a lot more facetime, and a lot more time with both of us stuck with a toddler. Tempers run short and we bicker with each other more than we did pre-FIRE probably, but we also see each other a lot more then we did pre fire .. so it's hard to say if it's cause and effect
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ShortInSeattle

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2017, 02:46:34 AM »
My relationship was strong before FIRE, and it remains so after FIRE.  I don't imagine that the tone of a relationship will be dramatically impacted by having more time together, perhaps you just get more of what you already had. (the good or the bad)

There was an adjustment period for me, I worked from home and was used to having hours and hours of alone time. Then all of a sudden we were together ALL THE TIME. In my opinion the more time I have with DH the better, he is my favorite person, but I also felt a bit "itchy" for solitude, and I had to learn to communicate that need, and it's been zero problem.

As a general rule, I think we humans benefit from together time, alone time, shared friends, separate friends... you might need to communicate a bit more when work is no longer a factor to get what you need. As much as we may want to stop working, our work schedules and routines do shape our lives. It may take some time to re-calibrate, and that's fine.

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Cassie

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2017, 03:09:55 PM »
WE each have our own office and 2 tv's so it works.  We spend some time together and some not.

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2017, 09:27:49 AM »
As a general rule, I think we humans benefit from together time, alone time, shared friends, separate friends... you might need to communicate a bit more when work is no longer a factor to get what you need. As much as we may want to stop working, our work schedules and routines do shape our lives. It may take some time to re-calibrate, and that's fine.

We spend some time together and some not.

Lot's of good advice here. Science confirms: New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together
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katscratch

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2017, 09:58:07 AM »

Quote
Lot's of good advice here. Science confirms: New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together

hahahaha "including mothers and their newborn babies" 

--no advice from me, just peeking in ;)
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MayDay

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2017, 11:18:21 AM »
Not retired but I can see this being an issue for H and I.

I reeeeeeeeally like my alone time.  Ideally, completely alone in the house. 

Of course right now we have kids at home, so the alone time is rare.  I anticipate that when we both retire, we will value a house with either an office or den with a door that closes, or a basement family room, or something like that.  I'll also happily pay for a gym membership to get him out of the house for a couple hours. 

I will also bluntly tell H sometimes to give me alone time.  I get some of my social needs met by him and some met by other friends and social groups.  Right now he gets his social needs met by me and by coworkers.  When he retires, he better go join a club or something and make friends, because I have no interest in being his only social outlet. 

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chrisgermany

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2017, 03:33:54 AM »
Better than ever.
And it was always great.
I love to spend time with DH and now I can also have time alone whrnever I feel like it.
5 h with DH is not too much.
Right now we are travelling and I see him all around the clock.

deborah

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2017, 04:03:53 AM »
We have always had a lot of separateness, so I worried about how it would pan out in retirement. To make things worse, he retired first.

Why worse? People who are at home all day by themselves tend to get into a routine that isn't sharing with anyone else. It can be difficult when the second one retires. I used to teach sewing to a lot of SAH women who talked about problems they'd had when their husbands eventually retired. You really need to give up space when they do retire. And these people are used to doing all the work around the house. Sometimes the second retiree would like to be contributing. And the first retiree might find it difficult to give up jobs, but at the same time resentful that the second retiree doesn't do more around the house (no one has to be rational).

So I had a lot of misgivings. But these are our golden years - I really do think that, just about every day. Retirement together is wonderful!

And, I look at what my elderly parents are going through, and I wonder whether having a wonderful life together now is, in some way, preparation so we have built up enough love for one another to get through the miserable time at the end of life, when your partner can't hear you, can't remember what was said a few minutes ago, and is so unsteady on their feet that they need constant supervision.

Gunny

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2017, 06:48:31 AM »
For the first 24 years of our marriage I spent months away from home serving overseas.  Since ERing I have spent most of my time around my DW.  The one thing that strikes me is how important she is/was in the overall success and happiness in my life.  I guess I kind of took it for granted that she would keep the home fires burning when I was away.  I've realized since FIRE that she is so much more than that.  We are stronger now as a couple after 25 years of marriage since I FIREd. 

Secretly Saving

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2017, 10:44:00 AM »
For the first 24 years of our marriage I spent months away from home serving overseas.  Since ERing I have spent most of my time around my DW.  The one thing that strikes me is how important she is/was in the overall success and happiness in my life.  I guess I kind of took it for granted that she would keep the home fires burning when I was away.  I've realized since FIRE that she is so much more than that.  We are stronger now as a couple after 25 years of marriage since I FIREd.

This is a lovely sentiment, Gunny!

Dicey

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2017, 11:39:54 PM »
We're FI, but only I am RE. When DH's father died, we realized his mom was in trouble. She has Alzheimer's, so I retired and we moved her in with us. I can handle it, but DH is a doer. He would go bonkers if he wasn't working and was stuck at home with his mother. He can retire with a generous defined benefit pension in about five years. By then, hopefully we will be free to travel FT together. I can hardly wait.

FIRE doesn't always look like what you planned.
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arebelspy

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2017, 02:07:41 AM »
FIRE magnifies things.  If your marriage is an issue, it will magnify that.  If it's good, ditto.

Luckily it also gives you time to work on it if it's not your ideal.

We love spending time together.  That's one of the benefits to FIRE, for us. :)
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dixonge

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2017, 04:29:19 AM »
Live in a small camper together for half a year. If you can survive that, you're good to go! :)

(Ask me how I know...)

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Cassie

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2017, 04:57:26 PM »
Being flexible also helps. We spent Fri and Sat together doing fun things. Today he wanted to see a movie that I did not want to see at the theater.  I wanted to see one on demand at home that had just come out and he didn't want to see it. Easy solution that we each just did what we wanted.

Metric Mouse

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2017, 04:37:24 AM »
As a general rule, I think we humans benefit from together time, alone time, shared friends, separate friends... you might need to communicate a bit more when work is no longer a factor to get what you need. As much as we may want to stop working, our work schedules and routines do shape our lives. It may take some time to re-calibrate, and that's fine.

We spend some time together and some not.

Lot's of good advice here. Science confirms: New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together
Interesting. Thank you for sharing.
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mara

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #19 on: March 06, 2017, 07:02:28 AM »
Isn't marriage always a work in progress? We've gone through so many stages, I've probably forgotten some of them.

A few years back, I learned something very important, that—if allowed—our differences make us stronger as a team. We both benefit greatly when we seek each other's counsel on matters concerning our individual strengths.

Also, one can choose not to be offended.

He vastly prefers his current retired lifestyle over his past hateful corporate job. I'll be retiring from a good part-time consulting gig this year to join him.

One time I told my father, "You need a hobby." He said, "Your mother is my hobby." I think I am lucky enough to have followed in my mother's footsteps. My dues are good cooking and pleasant companionship. I think I can manage.

mara

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #20 on: March 06, 2017, 07:58:56 AM »
I should add, he has several other hobbies he enjoys, too.

Dicey

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #21 on: March 06, 2017, 08:52:14 AM »
Also, one can choose not to be offended....

One time I told my father, "You need a hobby." He said, "Your mother is my hobby." I think I am lucky enough to have followed in my mother's footsteps. My dues are good cooking and pleasant companionship. I think I can manage.
Wow and Wowza! Excellent points to ponder.
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steveo

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #22 on: March 06, 2017, 01:41:00 PM »
Also, one can choose not to be offended.

This is good advice at any time in a marriage.

Rollin

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #23 on: March 07, 2017, 06:15:29 AM »
We're FI, but only I am RE. When DH's father died, we realized his mom was in trouble. She has Alzheimer's, so I retired and we moved her in with us. I can handle it, but DH is a doer. He would go bonkers if he wasn't working and was stuck at home with his mother. He can retire with a generous defined benefit pension in about five years. By then, hopefully we will be free to travel FT together. I can hardly wait.

FIRE doesn't always look like what you planned.

We have always had a lot of separateness, so I worried about how it would pan out in retirement. To make things worse, he retired first.

Why worse? People who are at home all day by themselves tend to get into a routine that isn't sharing with anyone else. It can be difficult when the second one retires. I used to teach sewing to a lot of SAH women who talked about problems they'd had when their husbands eventually retired. You really need to give up space when they do retire. And these people are used to doing all the work around the house. Sometimes the second retiree would like to be contributing. And the first retiree might find it difficult to give up jobs, but at the same time resentful that the second retiree doesn't do more around the house (no one has to be rational).

So I had a lot of misgivings. But these are our golden years - I really do think that, just about every day. Retirement together is wonderful!

And, I look at what my elderly parents are going through, and I wonder whether having a wonderful life together now is, in some way, preparation so we have built up enough love for one another to get through the miserable time at the end of life, when your partner can't hear you, can't remember what was said a few minutes ago, and is so unsteady on their feet that they need constant supervision.

These are related for me. At the moment I am like a crab that has outgrown its shell, and in the soft or molting process to get one that fits. Things were the way I planned at first (almost totally unplanned me time!), but now that the parental unit is down I am the main caregiver. Pre- FIRE I said I wanted to spend more time with my parents in post-FIRE. I guess I didn't specify how much :)

Back to the OPs question, me and DW had some adjustments. I wasn't sure why she did certain things in the morning and I got judgmental and hurt thinking we weren't communicating enough. However, her routine before I FIREd was just what she is doing now. Once I adjusted to that I was fine (it wasn't about me - BTW I was a little vulnerable at the time - see soft shell crab definition :))
« Last Edit: March 07, 2017, 06:21:13 AM by Rollin »
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dude

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #24 on: March 10, 2017, 08:08:39 AM »
I've posted on this before, but this is one that definitely concerns me.  Because of an age difference (I'm 7 years her senior), different attitudes about continuing to work (I can't wait to be done with this shit, she likes her work and co-workers), and different interests (I'm an avid outdoor recreationist, she prefers shopping malls), I worry there will be some issues when I pull the plug in two years and she continues to work.  I have a burning desire to get out and see and experience things while I have the fitness and energy to do so (I'm an avid rock/ice climber, backcountry snowboarder, surfer (when I'm where there's surf!)). Retiring at just shy of 54, I figure I have a 10-year window where I'll still be able to do these things at a high(ish) level; I've maintained a pretty crushing fitness regimen for decades in anticipation of the payoff later in life. My wife gets a little antsy when I go away too much (and her "too much" is hardly even close to enough for me). Though I'm hoping that I can play while she's working, thus freeing up more weekend days to spend with her. But she's made comments to the effect of, "I hope you don't think you are going to just be jetting off here and there to go climbing whenever you feel like it; you've got a wife, you know." I cringe every time she says this, because I really do want to jet off here and there (mostly to the intermountain west) to go on weeks' long climbing and camping trips. So I'm fully expecting some friction and working on figuring out ways to mitigate it come FIRE time for me.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2017, 12:02:20 AM »
I've posted on this before, but this is one that definitely concerns me.  Because of an age difference (I'm 7 years her senior), different attitudes about continuing to work (I can't wait to be done with this shit, she likes her work and co-workers), and different interests (I'm an avid outdoor recreationist, she prefers shopping malls), I worry there will be some issues when I pull the plug in two years and she continues to work.  I have a burning desire to get out and see and experience things while I have the fitness and energy to do so (I'm an avid rock/ice climber, backcountry snowboarder, surfer (when I'm where there's surf!)). Retiring at just shy of 54, I figure I have a 10-year window where I'll still be able to do these things at a high(ish) level; I've maintained a pretty crushing fitness regimen for decades in anticipation of the payoff later in life. My wife gets a little antsy when I go away too much (and her "too much" is hardly even close to enough for me). Though I'm hoping that I can play while she's working, thus freeing up more weekend days to spend with her. But she's made comments to the effect of, "I hope you don't think you are going to just be jetting off here and there to go climbing whenever you feel like it; you've got a wife, you know." I cringe every time she says this, because I really do want to jet off here and there (mostly to the intermountain west) to go on weeks' long climbing and camping trips. So I'm fully expecting some friction and working on figuring out ways to mitigate it come FIRE time for me.

I can relate to everything here and it's my biggest worry when I FIRE in 5-7 years.

Paul der Krake

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2017, 12:25:50 AM »
For maximum effect, read this thread with the following on repeat:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07GTOMMdRsc

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2017, 01:05:08 AM »
I've posted on this before, but this is one that definitely concerns me.  Because of an age difference (I'm 7 years her senior), different attitudes about continuing to work (I can't wait to be done with this shit, she likes her work and co-workers), and different interests (I'm an avid outdoor recreationist, she prefers shopping malls), I worry there will be some issues when I pull the plug in two years and she continues to work.  I have a burning desire to get out and see and experience things while I have the fitness and energy to do so (I'm an avid rock/ice climber, backcountry snowboarder, surfer (when I'm where there's surf!)). Retiring at just shy of 54, I figure I have a 10-year window where I'll still be able to do these things at a high(ish) level; I've maintained a pretty crushing fitness regimen for decades in anticipation of the payoff later in life. My wife gets a little antsy when I go away too much (and her "too much" is hardly even close to enough for me). Though I'm hoping that I can play while she's working, thus freeing up more weekend days to spend with her. But she's made comments to the effect of, "I hope you don't think you are going to just be jetting off here and there to go climbing whenever you feel like it; you've got a wife, you know." I cringe every time she says this, because I really do want to jet off here and there (mostly to the intermountain west) to go on weeks' long climbing and camping trips. So I'm fully expecting some friction and working on figuring out ways to mitigate it come FIRE time for me.
Dude, talk to her and find common ground before you retire.

Villanelle

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2017, 01:35:16 AM »
I actually anticipate needing a somewhat larger home in FIRE.  DH and I are not super social, and most of our social time is spent together (sometimes alone, and sometimes with others, though more often the former than the latter).  However, we both require lots of solitary time, too.  He's worked what most would consider insane hours most of our marriage.  (We were tickled when he got an assignment that was only 50-55 hours most weeks!  That lasted 3 years.)  I anticipate having a "library"-- bedroom for me with no bed, bookcases, my favorite comfy chair, and which is painted in my favorite colors.  I actually had this several moves ago, and it was heaven.  And then DH will likely have a desk somewhere and a comfy chair of his own, and whatever else he wants.  This likely could be combined with a guest room so we don't need another extra room, but it would then need to be a slightly larger room than if it were functioning solely as a guest room.  Of we ever have a basement, it would likely work for one or both purposes, but we've never lived in a place where basements are a thing, and likely never will.

That said, I may already be RE, due to living overseas so long that it might be tough for me to find a job that pays enough to make it worthwhile.  DH, OTOH, may follow roughly the same path my dad did.  At nearly 74, dad is still working, though it's very part time as a consultant.  Work, in some ways, is DH's hobby.  I worry about what he'll retire *to*, and part of the solution for that may be that he always does some kind of work, if he can find a way to translate his future jobs into consulting or part time work. 

Cassie

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2017, 01:37:23 PM »
V: not sure how big your house is now but we downsized to 1400 sq ft and each have our own private space. We use 2 bedrooms as offices and one of them is small and is also our guest room. We have 2 tv's  (one in living room and one in bedroom). It has worked out quite well. 

Slinky

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #30 on: March 14, 2017, 05:05:59 PM »
Same here. We have just under 1500 sq ft and I have the master bedroom and loft for my studio and my husband has the tiny bedroom and a workshop out back as his space. Heaven! We each have a place to go that is our own where we can hang out and have space and quiet and do whatever we want. This last weekend, we were so busy working on projects in our respective spaces that we barely saw each other. When we did, he watched a movie while I read a book and we mostly ignored each other. We also do NOT have a guest room and I strongly prefer it that way. I also occasionally refer to myself as "Super Introvert Girl", so yeah.

Cassie

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #31 on: March 14, 2017, 05:51:48 PM »
We love to host people so not only do we have a guest room but we use our RV for one also.  I think some separate space is key to happiness:))

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #32 on: March 18, 2017, 10:30:59 AM »
I've posted on this before, but this is one that definitely concerns me.  Because of an age difference (I'm 7 years her senior), different attitudes about continuing to work (I can't wait to be done with this shit, she likes her work and co-workers), and different interests (I'm an avid outdoor recreationist, she prefers shopping malls), I worry there will be some issues when I pull the plug in two years and she continues to work.  I have a burning desire to get out and see and experience things while I have the fitness and energy to do so (I'm an avid rock/ice climber, backcountry snowboarder, surfer (when I'm where there's surf!)). Retiring at just shy of 54, I figure I have a 10-year window where I'll still be able to do these things at a high(ish) level; I've maintained a pretty crushing fitness regimen for decades in anticipation of the payoff later in life. My wife gets a little antsy when I go away too much (and her "too much" is hardly even close to enough for me). Though I'm hoping that I can play while she's working, thus freeing up more weekend days to spend with her. But she's made comments to the effect of, "I hope you don't think you are going to just be jetting off here and there to go climbing whenever you feel like it; you've got a wife, you know." I cringe every time she says this, because I really do want to jet off here and there (mostly to the intermountain west) to go on weeks' long climbing and camping trips. So I'm fully expecting some friction and working on figuring out ways to mitigate it come FIRE time for me.
I know I've mentioned this here before but I know several (actually lots) of couples where one is FIRE and the other is still working who've dealt with this. All have found a way to make it work over time after sometimes a bumpy start where the working spouse didn't want the retired spouse gone as often. They eventually found a compromise that really worked well for them and both were happy. I know you planned to have your DW join.you at the beginning or end of your adventures for a vacation together and that what most of the people I know do and it seems to work out great.

As for the OP, I FIREd shortly after divorcing and the divorce was sort of FIRE related. Long story but our long agreed upon job, FIRE and life plans (discussed before marriage and during marriage) didn't happen and we were unable to find a compromise.
Retired at 42 to play!

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #33 on: March 18, 2017, 04:37:18 PM »
FIRE had one completely unanticipated effect on our marriage. When we were both working, our schedules were built around our jobs and we were pretty much in sync. Without jobs, our schedules evolved differently. I am early to bed and early to rise (in bed by 10 PM most nights and up at 5 AM). My wife likes to stay up past midnight and does not wake up until 7:30 AM.  We make a point of sharing our evening meal together, but otherwise we are on separate tracks most of the day.  We are both pretty independent, so this works out OK. The only negative is that with separate bed times, sex is much less spontaneous,  it has to be planned.

Blissful Biker

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #34 on: March 18, 2017, 05:02:20 PM »
I have loved reading these posts.  My husband works from home and I normally work in an office, but have been working from home for the past six months.  He is having a hard time with someone in his space, messing up his routines and can get cranky.  We really have a wonderful marriage...when I am away most of the day, as I will be again soon.  Still have the pedal to the medal to FI but not in such a rush to FIRE. 

Linda_Norway

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #35 on: March 18, 2017, 05:27:44 PM »
I have loved reading these posts.  My husband works from home and I normally work in an office, but have been working from home for the past six months.  He is having a hard time with someone in his space, messing up his routines and can get cranky.  We really have a wonderful marriage...when I am away most of the day, as I will be again soon.  Still have the pedal to the medal to FI but not in such a rush to FIRE.

I understand your husband well. Our routines are what keeps us functioning from day to day and someone intruding them is a bit disturbing. I will be tested next month when FIL comes to stay with us for a week while we work. FIL has been with us before and tends to make tea for me for breakfast. During the week, I am a very grumpy morning person and certainly don't want to waste time on drinking tea. I prefer so much to be left alone at that time.
Don't take it personal from your husband.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #36 on: March 19, 2017, 07:26:45 PM »
I have loved reading these posts.  My husband works from home and I normally work in an office, but have been working from home for the past six months.  He is having a hard time with someone in his space, messing up his routines and can get cranky.  We really have a wonderful marriage...when I am away most of the day, as I will be again soon.  Still have the pedal to the medal to FI but not in such a rush to FIRE.
My dad retired during my senior year in High School.  The first couple years took some adjustment.  He was used to having a secretary at work to do things for him, and my mom shut that down the first time he (out of habit) asked her to do some menial task :P  She was used to being queen of the house, and was unaccustomed to having another adult share her space and the responsibilities, and it took some time before they found the right balance in their new roles as both empty nesters and retirees.

I also plan to retire when our youngest is a senior in high school.  It'll just be several years earlier than my dad was :)

Goldielocks

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #37 on: March 19, 2017, 11:56:31 PM »
....she's made comments to the effect of, "I hope you don't think you are going to just be jetting off here and there to go climbing whenever you feel like it; you've got a wife, you know." I cringe every time she says this, because I really do want to jet off here and there

This one is pretty easy to solve -- just plan the trips in advance.   Even vaguely plan the year as in -- "I plan to take 4 -5 day trips once every three months..."  and then you let her know a couple of weeks in advance with more details..

Double bonus if you also plan for weekends with her at the same time you give the vague annual schedule...  "Lets go to xxx for a few days in March, and to YYY for a 4 day weekend in october, too".

spartana

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #38 on: March 20, 2017, 12:28:22 AM »
....she's made comments to the effect of, "I hope you don't think you are going to just be jetting off here and there to go climbing whenever you feel like it; you've got a wife, you know." I cringe every time she says this, because I really do want to jet off here and there

This one is pretty easy to solve -- just plan the trips in advance.   Even vaguely plan the year as in -- "I plan to take 4 -5 day trips once every three months..."  and then you let her know a couple of weeks in advance with more details..

Double bonus if you also plan for weekends with her at the same time you give the vague annual schedule...  "Lets go to xxx for a few days in March, and to YYY for a 4 day weekend in october, too".
I think the problem is that in my case (and I believe dude's case also) I like to go for a month or 2 at a time a couple of times a year and that can cause problems in a relationship if your spouse is still working - especially if they are working by choice not necessity. I'm not married but has been.an issue when it comes to dating or potential relationships. Good news is that lots of couples (including many on.this forum) made it work very successfully.
Retired at 42 to play!

dude

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Re: FIRE impact on your marriage
« Reply #39 on: March 21, 2017, 11:55:17 AM »
....she's made comments to the effect of, "I hope you don't think you are going to just be jetting off here and there to go climbing whenever you feel like it; you've got a wife, you know." I cringe every time she says this, because I really do want to jet off here and there

This one is pretty easy to solve -- just plan the trips in advance.   Even vaguely plan the year as in -- "I plan to take 4 -5 day trips once every three months..."  and then you let her know a couple of weeks in advance with more details..

Double bonus if you also plan for weekends with her at the same time you give the vague annual schedule...  "Lets go to xxx for a few days in March, and to YYY for a 4 day weekend in october, too".
I think the problem is that in my case (and I believe dude's case also) I like to go for a month or 2 at a time a couple of times a year and that can cause problems in a relationship if your spouse is still working - especially if they are working by choice not necessity. I'm not married but has been.an issue when it comes to dating or potential relationships. Good news is that lots of couples (including many on.this forum) made it work very successfully.

Yeah, the kicker of it is, I don't think she minds so much the actual being gone part -- she's pretty independent and enjoys having the house to herself.  What drives a lot of her comments is her meddlesome friends commenting "oh, he's gone again?"  I don't know why she lets that bother her, but she'll tell me that so-and-so made such a comment, and it bothers her.  I've told her she could be a total rock star wife by simply saying, "yeah, it makes him really happy to spend time in the mountains, so I'm happy to let him go," followed by, "oh, and he took me to Honduras, Costa Rica and Italy last year" (her meddlesome friends don't go anywhere).

I think we'll be okay.  There will be some friction at times, just as there always has been (and always is in ANY relationship involving two human beings), but in the end I think we'll come to a reasonable compromise.  Hell, I just spent two of the last three weeks in Utah and Iceland, and didn't hear a peep out of her!  :-) (also, I'm taking her to Colorado and Mexico in the next two months)