Author Topic: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired  (Read 3222 times)

stoaX

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Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« on: October 19, 2018, 03:29:07 PM »
My biggest fear about retiring is that other people will assume I have all the time in the world and that I will no longer have the excuse of "I've gotta get back to work" available.  Is this a reasonable fear? 

When do you mindlessly read MMM forums if you don't have a job to go to?  If my spouse sees me laying around strummin' the guitar, will she ask me to wash windows?  I think I've overused the "I'm busy at work" line and not developed other methods of deflecting the requests of other.  I will need a new strategy when I retire...

Tass

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2018, 03:57:02 PM »
Uhhh sorry this isn't the response you were looking for but maybe if you have the free time you should honor your spouse's requests? What circumstances require you to do so much deflecting that this is a concern for you??

stoaX

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2018, 04:12:51 PM »
Uhhh sorry this isn't the response you were looking for but maybe if you have the free time you should honor your spouse's requests? What circumstances require you to do so much deflecting that this is a concern for you??

Yeah, you're probably right about the spouse's requests. 

Regarding the other question, I've just noticed over the years that it has been convenient (and true) that I've cut short visits with relatives saying that I gotta go to work tomorrow.  I've also avoided or delayed expensive household projects using the "I don't have time for that" excuse.   Please note that I didn't say my fear was rational.

Tass

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2018, 04:36:42 PM »
I guess you'll have to be more honest. "I'm getting tired" and "I don't think this project is worthwhile," for example.

I am not even close to FIRE'd so maybe I shouldn't be giving advice here, I was just intrigued by your title.

BlueHouse

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2018, 04:51:08 PM »
I've overused the work excuse too.  I intend to continue "consulting", but just with unpredictable hours, after I no longer work for money. 

Work is the best excuse ever and I won't give it up! 

Freedomin5

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2018, 05:15:39 PM »
Yes, I dont understand why work is the only excuse you have to get out of something. I still work, but these are some of the ways I cut things short when necessary:

Im getting a bit tired.
Its time to leave.
I dont want to disturb you guys anymore. I know you must be tired.
Thank you for having us over.
Ill wash them later today after I finish strumming on my guitar.
Yes, you are right, I have more time than you. Let me help you.

Maybe the real question should be how to say no and set boundaries appropriately.

BlueHouse

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2018, 06:58:18 PM »

Maybe the real question should be how to say no and set boundaries appropriately.
You're so good at these.  Will you help me out with some more?  How do you answer these:

"Will you come on vacation with us?"
"Will you join us for a very uncomfortable family dinner in which we ask you invasive questions?"
"We don't understand introversion, so why don't you want to spend all of your time with us?"
"Don't you love us?"

SwordGuy

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2018, 07:43:25 PM »

"Will you come on vacation with us?"
Not this time.  Thanks, though!

"Will you join us for a very uncomfortable family dinner in which we ask you invasive questions?"
I'll come over for dinner, but personal questions are off limits.   Break this rule and I leave.  Do you agree?

"We don't understand introversion, so why don't you want to spend all of your time with us?"
Then it's time you did.   Go learn about it.  Then you'll know why.   And don't bring it up again until you've made a real effort to understand.

"Don't you love us?"
 Yes, I do.   But your behavior towards me is unpleasant for me to put up with, so I generally choose to spend my time elsewhere.   Fix that and I'll be more interested in spending more time with you.


They'll either get more offensive or change for the better.


If it's the latter, you just won.

If it's not, well, they're already offending you, so nothing's really changed.   "I've had my say, you've had your say, you're still engaging in behavior that I don't like, so, 'Bye.'   Let me know when you've reconsidered."


I've generally found that when I've tried over and over and over and over to make polite hints or redirects and they do not change their behavior, it's either because they are completely clueless about social cues or they don't give a damn about your feelings.   In either of those situations, being extremely blunt and clear is essential.

Set your boundaries frequently.  And enforce them.

Freedomin5

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2018, 10:21:55 PM »

Maybe the real question should be how to say no and set boundaries appropriately.
You're so good at these.  Will you help me out with some more?  How do you answer these:

"Will you come on vacation with us?"
"Will you join us for a very uncomfortable family dinner in which we ask you invasive questions?"
"We don't understand introversion, so why don't you want to spend all of your time with us?"
"Don't you love us?"

SwordGuy did a good job. Here are my responses, since I have actually been asked these questions before (except the last one).


"Will you come on vacation with us?"   
Sorry, I already have other commitments and can't make it this time. or Sorry, not in our budget for this year. or Sorry, we already spent our vacation budget.

"Will you join us for a very uncomfortable family dinner in which we ask you invasive questions?"
If it's not absolutely necessary: Sorry, can't make it this time.
If you have to join for whatever reason: It depends on the question, but I just kind of shrug and give a non-committal answer. I also ask myself if they genuinely care and want to know, or if they're just being nosy. If they genuinely want to know about my life, I share; but if they are just being nosy or trying to find something to gossip about, I just smile and say nothing. I've found that most people are just trying to make conversation to fill an uncomfortable silence, so another strategy is to take the offense and ask them a bunch of questions, or to respond to their question with a question of your own: E.g. "Are you planning to have children soon? You're not getting any younger." Response: "Maybe. Are you planning to have any more kids?"

"We don't understand introversion, so why don't you want to spend all of your time with us?"
I've never had anyone admit to not understanding introversion, but for the second part of the question, I just explain, "Yup, I just kind of need time to rest.

"Don't you love us?"
Wow, I'm surprised that people have tried to guilt-trip you like this. I would just respond with, "Yup, I do." You can follow up with "What makes you feel like I don't love you?" if you actually want to try to have a conversation with the person or you feel the person is sincere in their question.

TartanTallulah

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #9 on: October 20, 2018, 01:03:04 PM »
I'm not at all worried about this. Work is not an excuse for not doing things I don't want to do, it's a REASON for being unable to do things I WOULD like to do, either because I'm unavailable due to being physically at work or too tired from having been at work. I'll be glad to be rid of it and be able to visit relatives, have guests to stay, travel to participate in or support other people at sporting events, or say, "Sure, I'll mind your dog/kids/granny for a few hours." And I'm looking forward to getting stuck into all those committing house and garden tasks that need doing and that I daren't even begin.

ender

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #10 on: October 20, 2018, 01:46:22 PM »
Don't retire from something, retire to something.


ixtap

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #11 on: October 20, 2018, 06:10:59 PM »
I have a CG Aux patrol that day.
I am teaching a class that day (also volunteer).
I have non profit paperwork that day.
That's my first day without commitments in awhile and I want to act retired for a day

Slow&Steady

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2018, 01:36:59 PM »

Maybe the real question should be how to say no and set boundaries appropriately.
You're so good at these.  Will you help me out with some more?  How do you answer these:

"Will you come on vacation with us?" NO
"Will you join us for a very uncomfortable family dinner in which we ask you invasive questions?" The last time I came over, it was uncomfortable for me, no thank you.
"We don't understand introversion, so why don't you want to spend all of your time with us?" I don't like to be around people sometimes
"Don't you love us?" Yes

I tend to be overly direct, so my answers are not always looked upon kindly but I also rarely have people try to push my boundaries. 

Signed, somebody that does not always like people.

DS

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2018, 02:17:56 PM »
Sorry, I don't want to.

Freedomin5

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2018, 04:54:38 PM »
Sorry, I don't want to.

Canadian here, so the sorry is kind of a given. Its an acknowledgement that I appreciate their thought and their invitation even though I have no desire to participate. Perhaps its culture-dependent, but not providing a slight acknowledgement of the other person sounds rude and petulant to my ears.

Moustachienne

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2018, 07:20:19 PM »
Haha! Good question and great answers. If we don't have "work" as an excuse, we do have to figure out how to assert ourselves honestly with other people.  The more interesting challenge though is that we have to learn to assert ourselves honestly with...ourselves.

When we no longer have "work" as an excuse, it makes us look at how we're spending our time and energy - our life, really.  No more cop out excuses!  When we have the time and money to do many things, what are we choosing? 

I think this scary question is why many people (Suzy Orman?) freak out at the idea of "retirement", early or not.  Sure, keep working if you have a great work life that fills your wants/needs but what are you doing clocking in to mindless cubicle tasks or even to good work that is keeping you from some other dream?  Taking that long walk off a short pier to owning our choices and maybe discovering our not so fabulous true selves keeps a lot of folk clocking in rather than facing the mirror.   

Once we take that walk and discover we're not fabulous, we're just us and that's OK, that is the beginning of wisdom and freedom.

Retired one year and loving it!  Come on in, the water's fine.  :)

wordnerd

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2018, 09:27:22 PM »
Haha! Good question and great answers. If we don't have "work" as an excuse, we do have to figure out how to assert ourselves honestly with other people.  The more interesting challenge though is that we have to learn to assert ourselves honestly with...ourselves.

When we no longer have "work" as an excuse, it makes us look at how we're spending our time and energy - our life, really.  No more cop out excuses!  When we have the time and money to do many things, what are we choosing? 

I think this scary question is why many people (Suzy Orman?) freak out at the idea of "retirement", early or not.  Sure, keep working if you have a great work life that fills your wants/needs but what are you doing clocking in to mindless cubicle tasks or even to good work that is keeping you from some other dream?  Taking that long walk off a short pier to owning our choices and maybe discovering our not so fabulous true selves keeps a lot of folk clocking in rather than facing the mirror.   

Once we take that walk and discover we're not fabulous, we're just us and that's OK, that is the beginning of wisdom and freedom.

Retired one year and loving it!  Come on in, the water's fine.  :)

Yes! This hits home on a lot of levels.

stoaX

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2018, 03:14:25 PM »
Wow - thanks everyone for the great responses.  Y'all are right: setting boundaries, honestly telling people no, and retiring to something are all important pieces to having some control over your time once retired.  I gotta get better at all of them. 

DS

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2018, 08:32:19 AM »
Sorry, I don't want to.

Canadian here, so the sorry is kind of a given. Its an acknowledgement that I appreciate their thought and their invitation even though I have no desire to participate. Perhaps its culture-dependent, but not providing a slight acknowledgement of the other person sounds rude and petulant to my ears.

Some good articles out there about replacing sorry with thank you, just food for thought. Thank you is a better way of showing acknowledgement and appreciation to me.

GuitarStv

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2018, 08:37:37 AM »
My plan is to sell my car and ride my bicycle everywhere in retirement.  That makes getting out of stuff you don't want to do a lot easier.

Slow&Steady

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2018, 11:17:55 AM »
Sorry, I don't want to.

Canadian here, so the sorry is kind of a given. Its an acknowledgement that I appreciate their thought and their invitation even though I have no desire to participate. Perhaps its culture-dependent, but not providing a slight acknowledgement of the other person sounds rude and petulant to my ears.

Some good articles out there about replacing sorry with thank you, just food for thought. Thank you is a better way of showing acknowledgement and appreciation to me.
+1 on the replacing sorry with thank you

omachi

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #21 on: October 25, 2018, 12:01:23 PM »
Just adding that you can say no without giving a reason. A simple, "No, I won't be joining you. Hope you have a great time." is all that's required to decline politely. If they want to be rude and pry, you can respond with the "I'm not interested." If that hurts, well, their fault for prying.

soccerluvof4

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #22 on: October 27, 2018, 03:44:47 AM »
Just adding that you can say no without giving a reason. A simple, "No, I won't be joining you. Hope you have a great time." is all that's required to decline politely. If they want to be rude and pry, you can respond with the "I'm not interested." If that hurts, well, their fault for prying.







^+1 or even just "perhaps next time but thanks for asking"

SnackDog

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #23 on: October 27, 2018, 07:27:15 AM »
I have to wash my hair that night.

smoghat

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #24 on: November 01, 2018, 07:05:39 AM »
People dont seem to register that Im retired, so I just say work calls... if they ask, I tell the, I have to work on my house or some such.

stoaX

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #25 on: November 02, 2018, 10:46:12 AM »
Just adding that you can say no without giving a reason. A simple, "No, I won't be joining you. Hope you have a great time." is all that's required to decline politely. If they want to be rude and pry, you can respond with the "I'm not interested." If that hurts, well, their fault for prying.

I will practice politely declining invitations in front of the mirror today - thanks!







^+1 or even just "perhaps next time but thanks for asking"

stoaX

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #26 on: November 02, 2018, 10:48:36 AM »
I have to wash my hair that night.

The lack of hair on my head will make this a tough excuse to use.  Perhaps I should invest in a toupee. 

GuitarStv

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #27 on: November 02, 2018, 12:03:31 PM »
I have to wash my hair that night.

The lack of hair on my head will make this a tough excuse to use.  Perhaps I should invest in a toupee.

Do you have armpit hair?  :P

Abe Froman

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #28 on: November 02, 2018, 01:17:17 PM »
No, but I wear a mirkin.

firefamily

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Re: Being at work is no longer an excuse if you're retired
« Reply #29 on: November 03, 2018, 07:09:43 PM »
This has not been an issue for our family. We just say "I'd better get on my way" or "Thanks for having me", and nobody ever asks for a reason. Keep in mind that even people who like you may be looking for an excuse to get back to other things to do anyway, but don't want to be rude and ask you to leave. Often, they are happy to move on anyway and see you another time.