Author Topic: Any regrets after fire?  (Read 9114 times)

smoghat

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #50 on: June 13, 2018, 07:43:30 AM »
Yeah, you canít be truthful all the time with someone with dementia. Try to get her on antidepressants. It makes all the difference.

Dicey

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #51 on: June 14, 2018, 11:00:32 AM »
Yeah, you canít be truthful all the time with someone with dementia. Try to get her on antidepressants. It makes all the difference.
What makes all the difference for my MIL is Seroquel/Quetiapine:

"Antipsychotic
It can treat schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and depression"

She takes half of the lowest dose they make, just once a day.  She was combative (hitting and biting) and a flight risk. She would not still be in our home without it. Better living through chemistry, indeed, for her and for us. She's not a drugged out zombie, and still hits once in a while, but the burning anger and urge to flee have abated.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2018, 08:49:26 AM by Dicey »

aGracefulStomp

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #52 on: July 09, 2018, 04:04:11 PM »
Reading about how many families have taken advantage of persons who FIRE serves as an extremely good lesson for those who aren't FIRE yet.

I had a warning bell go off when I told my parents my savings rate and my dad later brought it up with bitterness and sarcasm. You forget that your parents are human and have the same emotions of jealousy and insecurity to deal with. Seeing as they are horrible with money and have already asked for a loan within 3 months of me starting full-time work, I'm seeing a lot of dark clouds ahead.

I don't plan on telling my family about any of my financial goals and milestones, and have stopped talking about my finances. I have since started downplaying my savings and dropping comments to indicate that my spending has gone up.

Exflyboy

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #53 on: July 11, 2018, 12:43:26 AM »
@Jakejake

My MIL (closely followed by her Son) is one of the biggest emotionally abusive narcissists I have ever met!

The problem (for MIL that is) is I don't do bullies.. In fact I have had to help my darling Wife to set some pretty strong boundaries, which after having learned to be a doormat to her overbearing Mother meant a lot of Un-learning.

Now my beloved (AKA HRH.. Hot RedHead) manages her family with aplomb.. I just quietly remain in the background with the metaphorical baseball bat should a toe cross the boundary.

I know this sounds extreme, but the stories I could tell are of the toe curling variety and my BIL has also learned the family tradition, but is much less intelligent so is easy to deal with.

So yeah I have to side with Dicey on this one. Growing a substantial backbone and letting the Parental units fund their own caregiving (either from savings or Medicaid) is definitely the way to go. Of course you can help set it up.. But then you back away rapidly lest you get sucked into the vortex.

HRH has just set up Medicaid for her own Mom.. She doesn't like the plan she has (of course) but it was made clear that if MIL wants to do something different then HRH will do nothing to help her. She has done way more than she should have already.


« Last Edit: July 11, 2018, 12:48:53 AM by Exflyboy »

BamBam20

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #54 on: July 13, 2018, 07:53:01 AM »
Two years into it, I don't regret doing it, but I regret letting my family know. I had no clue the extent to which they would view me as their personal on call servant/home care health worker, like if work doesn't own me, everyone's free to claim my time except myself.

My sibling who didn't manage her finances as well and is still working, I guess my parents' plan is to reward her with total freedom and to saddle me with permanent responsibility for watching my mom with dementia while dad's in the hospital and then residential rehab or hospice depending how this goes. And then I'm under orders to move my mom to my state against her will to live near me so my golden years can be spent caring for her.

I'm so angry and filled with resentment, especially since when their parents (my grandparents) were all dealing with lingering deaths from cancer or dementia that lasted decades, my parents didn't lift a finger to help with day to day care, they traveled the world enjoying their own early retirement and dumped the responsibility on their siblings (who were all still working full time jobs).

My husband Fire'd in April, I'm about a thousand miles away from him right now living in a freaking retirement community with my mother at the moment with no specific end date. It's the third time in the two years I've been retired I've been told "get a one way plane ticket tomorrow to come down here, you might be here a few weeks".

I would have been happier just working in a lot of ways - and it's not like they can't afford to hire full time care for my mom, she just refuses to acknowledge she needs it so this is their easy way out. I feel like I'm gonna punch out a window though every time they tell someone I'm down here on a vacation.

IF YOU DO IT, DON'T TELL YOUR FAMILY UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
This is an interesting point. I can definitely imagine that when someone retires early, people in general (family  included) start thinking "well have him/her do it because he/she is not doing anything anyway." Kind of sounds like it might be best to keep advantages (like early retirement) to yourself and keep a stealth wealth low profile. Thanks for the share.

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SwordGuy

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #55 on: July 13, 2018, 10:31:40 PM »
Two years into it, I don't regret doing it, but I regret letting my family know. I had no clue the extent to which they would view me as their personal on call servant/home care health worker, like if work doesn't own me, everyone's free to claim my time except myself.

My sibling who didn't manage her finances as well and is still working, I guess my parents' plan is to reward her with total freedom and to saddle me with permanent responsibility for watching my mom with dementia while dad's in the hospital and then residential rehab or hospice depending how this goes. And then I'm under orders to move my mom to my state against her will to live near me so my golden years can be spent caring for her.

I'm so angry and filled with resentment, especially since when their parents (my grandparents) were all dealing with lingering deaths from cancer or dementia that lasted decades, my parents didn't lift a finger to help with day to day care, they traveled the world enjoying their own early retirement and dumped the responsibility on their siblings (who were all still working full time jobs).

My husband Fire'd in April, I'm about a thousand miles away from him right now living in a freaking retirement community with my mother at the moment with no specific end date. It's the third time in the two years I've been retired I've been told "get a one way plane ticket tomorrow to come down here, you might be here a few weeks".

I would have been happier just working in a lot of ways - and it's not like they can't afford to hire full time care for my mom, she just refuses to acknowledge she needs it so this is their easy way out. I feel like I'm gonna punch out a window though every time they tell someone I'm down here on a vacation.

IF YOU DO IT, DON'T TELL YOUR FAMILY UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
This is an interesting point. I can definitely imagine that when someone retires early, people in general (family  included) start thinking "well have him/her do it because he/she is not doing anything anyway." Kind of sounds like it might be best to keep advantages (like early retirement) to yourself and keep a stealth wealth low profile. Thanks for the share.



Some years ago I was working on a contract in Ethiopia, far from my wife and kids back here in the states.  I came home for Christmas and we all went to visit my parents.   My dad needed cataract surgery so he couldn't see very well and my mom needed some other surgery - I forget what for, but nothing life threatening.  They would both be recovering at the same time.   

They expected me to drop what I was doing and hang around with them for several weeks to take care of them.


I told them that if I didn't go back to work in Ethiopia after Christmas, then the company wouldn't get paid and other folks would not be able to pay their mortgages.   I told them they had plenty of money, they could hire someone to help with the chores and such while they recovered.


They did not like that answer.   


If they hadn't had other options, of course I would have found a way to help them.  But they were perfectly capable of helping themselves so I expected them to do so.


Sometimes tough love is the answer.



Jakejake

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #56 on: July 14, 2018, 09:17:19 AM »
They expected me to drop what I was doing and hang around with them for several weeks to take care of them.

I told them that if I didn't go back to work in Ethiopia after Christmas, then the company wouldn't get paid and other folks would not be able to pay their mortgages.   I told them they had plenty of money, they could hire someone to help with the chores and such while they recovered.

They did not like that answer.   
Wow. That's unbelievable that you weren't even retired, and they tried to pull that on you!  Especially since cataract surgery can be staggered doing one eye, then the other, and it sounds like the two surgeries with your parents didn't have to be scheduled at the same time anyway if they weren't life threatening.

An update from me - I flew back home the second week in June. My mom threatened some violence against the woman we hired to help her out and we ended up letting her go for her own safety. I think mom believed that would magically cause me to fly back down there. Nope. 

I got a revealing glimpse into her mind, though. My sister reported that mom complained I hadn't even been down to visit since dad got sick. My sister corrected her. Mom got huffy saying "well, yes, for one week. But not permanently."

Ha. Confirming what I suspected - the expectation is for me to leave my husband to move in with her for the rest of her life. That makes it a thousand times easier now to just keep saying no, understanding that whenever I go it doesn't result in gratitude, just resentment because I eventually return home.


Exflyboy

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #57 on: July 14, 2018, 09:11:53 PM »
@Jakejake .. Now you're getting it!

Your Mother is a narcissist and you are expected to be a doormat.. There in only one way to break the cycle and that is .. "Hell NO!"


Good for you!

Whiskey

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Re: Any regrets after fire?
« Reply #58 on: July 21, 2018, 06:52:17 PM »
Two years into it, I don't regret doing it, but I regret letting my family know. I had no clue the extent to which they would view me as their personal on call servant/home care health worker, like if work doesn't own me, everyone's free to claim my time except myself.

My sibling who didn't manage her finances as well and is still working, I guess my parents' plan is to reward her with total freedom and to saddle me with permanent responsibility for watching my mom with dementia while dad's in the hospital and then residential rehab or hospice depending how this goes. And then I'm under orders to move my mom to my state against her will to live near me so my golden years can be spent caring for her.

I'm so angry and filled with resentment, especially since when their parents (my grandparents) were all dealing with lingering deaths from cancer or dementia that lasted decades, my parents didn't lift a finger to help with day to day care, they traveled the world enjoying their own early retirement and dumped the responsibility on their siblings (who were all still working full time jobs).

My husband Fire'd in April, I'm about a thousand miles away from him right now living in a freaking retirement community with my mother at the moment with no specific end date. It's the third time in the two years I've been retired I've been told "get a one way plane ticket tomorrow to come down here, you might be here a few weeks".

I would have been happier just working in a lot of ways - and it's not like they can't afford to hire full time care for my mom, she just refuses to acknowledge she needs it so this is their easy way out. I feel like I'm gonna punch out a window though every time they tell someone I'm down here on a vacation.

IF YOU DO IT, DON'T TELL YOUR FAMILY UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
@Jakejake, oh wow! I'm a caregiver for my MIL who has ALZ and lives with us. I had literally met her once before DH and  I eloped. Three weeks later, DH's dad died and we realized there was a problem. That was over 5 years ago.

This makes me perhaps more qualified than most here to do this: Sorry, but you're desperately in need of a face punch. As kind and gentle a face punch as possible, but still a face punch. No one can take advantage of you unless you let them! You need to dig deep and figure out why you are allowing them to manipulate you. This hair shirt you are wearing needs to be shed. You might want to consider a little bit of counselling to figure out why you are letting your parents literally shit on you. This is NOT okay, and it's clearly not good for your health or your marriage. This is serious "Put on your air mask first time."

Shocking as this sounds,  this problem is NOT about being FIRE. The dynamics that allow them to play you like this exist whether you are working or not. You must learn how to defend yourself. Otherwise, the danger of losing yourself down their rabbit hole is real.

YOU CAN DO THIS!


This!