Author Topic: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding  (Read 2032 times)

tthree

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WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« on: June 17, 2017, 10:22:14 AM »
BIL is having a destination wedding in a tropical Caribbean location this winter.  Obviously we feel compelled to go as it is a sibling's wedding (family guilt and all that jazz).  However, this is a huge financial commitment as we are a family of four.  I am anticipating attending the wedding will cost us $5000.  We can afford the $5K, but DH loathes the concept of a hot holiday, is keeping family peace worth $5K? I have a feeling if we decline attending MIL will offer to pay, which will only make the situation more awkward.  Not taking the kids really isn't an option, as we have no one to watch them at home for 7+ days.  What would you do? 

Laura33

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2017, 10:35:49 AM »
Can the blood relative go and the other stay home with the kids? 

If not, yeah, suck it up and go.

Signed, in-law who who just blew several grand and a week's vacation in a concrete bunker in a hot buggy hell-hole for the sake of family peace.  Sigh.
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Noodle

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2017, 10:42:39 AM »
Assuming you can handle the kids on your own, in your shoes I might send your DH (he's the sibling, right) and keep everyone else home. I do think that passing up a sibling's wedding is a huge deal, and although people rightfully gripe about destination weddings, once you get to a point where a lot of people have to travel and get hotel rooms anyway, I think it's less of an issue where they're going. (In fact, depending where you live, the destination might be easier to get to than the actual hometown.) Or would be it be possible to stay less than the full week? Then maybe it would be easier to get someone to stay with your kids and you could go too.

tthree

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2017, 11:50:13 AM »
rightfully gripe about destination weddings, once you get to a point where a lot of people have to travel and get hotel rooms anyway, I think it's less of an issue where they're going. (In fact, depending where you live, the destination might be easier to get to than the actual hometown.) Or would be it be possible to stay less than the full week? Then maybe it would be easier to get someone to stay with your kids and you could go too.
It's a rightful gripe.  95% of family live within a two hour drive, so the difference for almost everyone is thousands of dollars.  I will look into staying less days, but the airport we will all be flying out of has limited flights, and most of these things are a package deal.

tthree

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 11:54:13 AM »
Can the blood relative go and the other stay home with the kids? 

If not, yeah, suck it up and go.

Signed, in-law who who just blew several grand and a week's vacation in a concrete bunker in a hot buggy hell-hole for the sake of family peace.  Sigh.
Just DH going is definitely an optional, especially since I don't know if I can take the required days off work.

If I can get the time off work, we will most likely suck up the $5K and all go.

Thanks for the commiseration, I mostly just wanted to complain.

Dicey

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2017, 12:16:07 PM »
Can the blood relative go and the other stay home with the kids? 

If not, yeah, suck it up and go.

Signed, in-law who who just blew several grand and a week's vacation in a concrete bunker in a hot buggy hell-hole for the sake of family peace.  Sigh.
Just DH going is definitely an optional, especially since I don't know if I can take the required days off work.

If I can get the time off work, we will most likely suck up the $5K and all go.

Thanks for the commiseration, I mostly just wanted to complain.
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Frankies Girl

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 12:18:16 PM »
Why do you have to go for seven days? Do a two day trip, find someone to watch the kids for that time and treat it as a mini vacation that happens to include a wedding.
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Laura33

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2017, 03:57:25 PM »
Can the blood relative go and the other stay home with the kids? 

If not, yeah, suck it up and go.

Signed, in-law who who just blew several grand and a week's vacation in a concrete bunker in a hot buggy hell-hole for the sake of family peace.  Sigh.
Just DH going is definitely an optional, especially since I don't know if I can take the required days off work.

If I can get the time off work, we will most likely suck up the $5K and all go.

Thanks for the commiseration, I mostly just wanted to complain.

Or, you know, maybe you have an evil boss and you just can't get the time off work, so sorry. . . . 
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sokoloff

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2017, 04:08:09 PM »
The family peace that I'm most interested in keeping is located in the home where I normally sleep (my immediate family). Any family outside of that is far, far lower on the list of my concerns.

No way would I feel compelled to take my family of 4 for a 7-day tropical vacation just because a family member is getting married. Sending the related spouse alone or taking the couple for a 2-night trip is far more reasonable.

accolay

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2017, 04:12:15 PM »
What's up with people having destination weddings expecting people to pony up to travel there too? What a PITA...

tthree

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2017, 05:41:22 PM »
Why do you have to go for seven days? Do a two day trip, find someone to watch the kids for that time and treat it as a mini vacation that happens to include a wedding.
From our small airport flights are extreme limited, and the closest airport with more flight options is an 8 hour drive.  If you want a direct flight, most are just once a week, and usually part of an all-inclusive package.  If you don't fly direct, travel time could be up to 24 hours, and prices are crazy ($1000 return).

Tick-Tock

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2017, 09:14:00 AM »
I didn't go to my stepbrother's wedding because of work and finances, and I definitely think it affected my relationship with the couple.  It's been more than 15 years, and I still feel bad about it. 

Pigeon

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2017, 06:04:23 AM »
I wouldn't go to anyone's destination wedding. That includes my siblings. It probably would include my kids. If a couple wants to have a destination wedding, they need to realize that they are trying to place a huge financial burden on their families, and that some people will choose not to come.

Their wedding, their choice, but it is an invitation, not a command performance. Your wedding is not my very overpriced vacation. I'd wish them well and send a gift and not give it a second thought.

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2017, 06:27:35 AM »
An investment in years of family peace is not the worst thing ever.

Also... DH and I paid around $1000/mo. for 12 months min. for DH to visit his dad while his dad was sick. Money well spent. Still a lot of money.

Maybe one day you will look back on this trip as money well spent.

human

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2017, 07:43:54 AM »
For me it isn't about the money it's about vacation days. If my own brother told me that he was having a week long wedding trip on a beach somewhere I'd tell him off. I decide where I spend my vacation. He would understand though and that would be the end of the strife.

Pigeon

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2017, 08:22:16 AM »
Seriously, if a couple is so self-absorbed that they can't understand that expecting everyone to play (and pay through the nose) along with a destination wedding, I'm not sure the peace is worth keeping with them. 

Many couples have destination weddings specifically because they don't care if their family and friends come--it keeps their cost down if people don't.


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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2017, 01:50:20 PM »
In that situation for this household, it would just be the related person going, if anyone.  It would be very tempting, in this techie age, to ask that the wedding be filmed and possibly streamed over the internet.  Many don't want to cough up multiple thousands of dollars to see someone else get married at a location that is near no one's family.  This sort of thing is frequently just an effort on the part of the "happy couple" to start on their own honeymoon faster and trim catering costs by ensuring that none but those bound by family ties show up, while still roping in gifts from those who can't afford/stand to attend but still feel obligated to send a gift because they were "invited."

An investment in years of family peace is not the worst thing ever.

Also... DH and I paid around $1000/mo. for 12 months min. for DH to visit his dad while his dad was sick. Money well spent. Still a lot of money.

Maybe one day you will look back on this trip as money well spent.

That is a lot of money, but I also think the situation is completely different.  Your FIL certainly didn't choose to get sick, and I'm guessing that when he got sick he was at home or a hospital versus an exotic location purely for his own amusement.  I think your family's travel spending sounds completely worth it.
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prognastat

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2017, 01:56:32 PM »
I would travel back to the country of my birth, which would be similarly expensive, if one of my brothers or sisters were getting married and I could get the time off work.

I wouldn't travel to some sort of expensive exotic location though since I would consider this an exceedingly selfish action on their part that i would refuse to take part in/support.
« Last Edit: July 03, 2017, 02:09:38 PM by prognastat »

iris lily

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2017, 01:59:22 PM »
Seriously, if a couple is so self-absorbed that they can't understand that expecting everyone to play (and pay through the nose) along with a destination wedding, I'm not sure the peace is worth keeping with them. 

Many couples have destination weddings specifically because they don't care if their family and friends come--it keeps their cost down if people don't.
yep, this exactly.

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #19 on: July 03, 2017, 07:03:06 PM »
In that situation for this household, it would just be the related person going, if anyone.  It would be very tempting, in this techie age, to ask that the wedding be filmed and possibly streamed over the internet.  Many don't want to cough up multiple thousands of dollars to see someone else get married at a location that is near no one's family.  This sort of thing is frequently just an effort on the part of the "happy couple" to start on their own honeymoon faster and trim catering costs by ensuring that none but those bound by family ties show up, while still roping in gifts from those who can't afford/stand to attend but still feel obligated to send a gift because they were "invited."

An investment in years of family peace is not the worst thing ever.

Also... DH and I paid around $1000/mo. for 12 months min. for DH to visit his dad while his dad was sick. Money well spent. Still a lot of money.

Maybe one day you will look back on this trip as money well spent.

That is a lot of money, but I also think the situation is completely different.  Your FIL certainly didn't choose to get sick, and I'm guessing that when he got sick he was at home or a hospital versus an exotic location purely for his own amusement.  I think your family's travel spending sounds completely worth it.

True. I guess I bring it up because we went on a frivolous New York family trip before FIL got sick, and at the time I was choked about the cost but DH is so grateful to have had the non-sick family time.

So... I guess what I'm sayin is that if OP feels resigned to go, and does go, they should just feel grateful to have had the family time because you never know what the future holds. Shrug. YMMV.

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Re: WWYD: BIL's destination wedding
« Reply #20 on: July 04, 2017, 07:54:02 PM »
Agree with others - let DH go by himself. You have children to look after. That's a fine enough excuse. Once this couple have children then they'll realise how difficult it was to attend this destination wedding. Perhaps they chose this destination so that only a few will turn up? Anyway the day is about them, not your family. You will just be extras to the main actors so I wouldn't feel too guilty about missing the wedding and looking after my progeny. Buy them expensive gifts if you want your guilt assuaged.