What is the best relationship advice you have received?

[galliver]

Hold hands when you fight.

It really changes the dynamic back to a team conversation.

I....want to try that. I mean, I don't really want to have the occasion to, but it's going to happen, and then I want to try this.

[ubermom4]

"Love isn't two people gazing at each other,  but two people who are gazing in the same direction, together"  - Random overheard conversation between a pastor and young man seeking dating advice on a ferry.

Am longtime lurker, new to posting. OUTSTANDING explanation. Thank you for sharing. I have been married for 20 years. About 10 years ago a friend told me 'not to say at least 70% of what you are thinking'. This helps me much of the time to pause and reflect. Good topic.

[Charm14]

This doesn't quite fit in with the rest, but a friend said to me the other day:

"The person your with is either planning with you or playing with you."

As long as you're both doing the same thing, I think that's all right.

[riverffashion]

Your spouse is not a mind reader. Be an adult and use your words to communicate. They can't know what you want or need if you don't tell them.

I see this passive-communication technique play out in my in-law's relationship, and I wish they would just TALK instead of dropping hints and using body language, and missing the mark over and over. It's honestly painful to watch.

So yea, don't expect your spouse to KNOW what you're thinking and what you want. If they do, great but don't assume that will always happen. I think women are sometimes encouraged to do this 'hard-to-get-well-he-should-know dance', and it's not healthy. Remember, use your words, and ensure your spouse does the same.

Also, assume that your spouse is acting out of love and caring for you. Sometimes the result is not what we want and can be misguided, but if you approach the issue assuming their best intentions (which is almost always the case) the conversation is relaxed and productive.

Love this.  So true

[Insanity]

Your spouse is not a mind reader. Be an adult and use your words to communicate. They can't know what you want or need if you don't tell them.

I see this passive-communication technique play out in my in-law's relationship, and I wish they would just TALK instead of dropping hints and using body language, and missing the mark over and over. It's honestly painful to watch.

So yea, don't expect your spouse to KNOW what you're thinking and what you want. If they do, great but don't assume that will always happen. I think women are sometimes encouraged to do this 'hard-to-get-well-he-should-know dance', and it's not healthy. Remember, use your words, and ensure your spouse does the same.

Also, assume that your spouse is acting out of love and caring for you. Sometimes the result is not what we want and can be misguided, but if you approach the issue assuming their best intentions (which is almost always the case) the conversation is relaxed and productive.

Let me this.  So true

My wife's response when I say that are one if two things:

1). You should know me well enough by now.

2). I guess I have to spell it out like you are a two year old.

The later is usually when we are arguing over not doing something she wanted.

[riverffashion]

Your spouse is not a mind reader. Be an adult and use your words to communicate. They can't know what you want or need if you don't tell them.

I see this passive-communication technique play out in my in-law's relationship, and I wish they would just TALK instead of dropping hints and using body language, and missing the mark over and over. It's honestly painful to watch.

So yea, don't expect your spouse to KNOW what you're thinking and what you want. If they do, great but don't assume that will always happen. I think women are sometimes encouraged to do this 'hard-to-get-well-he-should-know dance', and it's not healthy. Remember, use your words, and ensure your spouse does the same.

Also, assume that your spouse is acting out of love and caring for you. Sometimes the result is not what we want and can be misguided, but if you approach the issue assuming their best intentions (which is almost always the case) the conversation is relaxed and productive.

Love this.  So true

Esp the part about assuming your partner is acting out of love and cares for for you . in the past, I started so many fights ( and vice versa ) because I forgot that tiny piece of information . if it weren't so, why on earth we would waste our time ??

[Kris]

Your spouse is not a mind reader. Be an adult and use your words to communicate. They can't know what you want or need if you don't tell them.

I see this passive-communication technique play out in my in-law's relationship, and I wish they would just TALK instead of dropping hints and using body language, and missing the mark over and over. It's honestly painful to watch.

So yea, don't expect your spouse to KNOW what you're thinking and what you want. If they do, great but don't assume that will always happen. I think women are sometimes encouraged to do this 'hard-to-get-well-he-should-know dance', and it's not healthy. Remember, use your words, and ensure your spouse does the same.

Also, assume that your spouse is acting out of love and caring for you. Sometimes the result is not what we want and can be misguided, but if you approach the issue assuming their best intentions (which is almost always the case) the conversation is relaxed and productive.

Let me this.  So true

My wife's response when I say that are one if two things:

1). You should know me well enough by now.

2). I guess I have to spell it out like you are a two year old.

The later is usually when we are arguing over not doing something she wanted.

That is some passive-aggressive BS.

I hope you don't say crazy stuff like that to her.

[Erica/NWEdible]

"Two oxen yoked to the same cart." - my mom, describing marriage. Meaning: pull together, as equals, nothing will stop you. Pull in opposite directions and you won't go anywhere.

[Financial.Velociraptor]

"Make sure YOU are the CRAZY one!"

[Insanity]

Your spouse is not a mind reader. Be an adult and use your words to communicate. They can't know what you want or need if you don't tell them.

I see this passive-communication technique play out in my in-law's relationship, and I wish they would just TALK instead of dropping hints and using body language, and missing the mark over and over. It's honestly painful to watch.

So yea, don't expect your spouse to KNOW what you're thinking and what you want. If they do, great but don't assume that will always happen. I think women are sometimes encouraged to do this 'hard-to-get-well-he-should-know dance', and it's not healthy. Remember, use your words, and ensure your spouse does the same.

Also, assume that your spouse is acting out of love and caring for you. Sometimes the result is not what we want and can be misguided, but if you approach the issue assuming their best intentions (which is almost always the case) the conversation is relaxed and productive.

Let me this.  So true

My wife's response when I say that are one if two things:

1). You should know me well enough by now.

2). I guess I have to spell it out like you are a two year old.

The later is usually when we are arguing over not doing something she wanted.

That is some passive-aggressive BS.

I hope you don't say crazy stuff like that to her.

I have my faults, but that isn't one of them.


Like last night we went to  dinner and the movies. We had dessert at the restaurant.  When we got in line for the concessions, I gave her a hug.  She said not to squeeze her stomach.  She then ordered popcorn.  Before the movie she was eating it quickly and I said: "Jeez dear, you said your stomach was full and now you are rabidly eating that!".  She wasn't happy.  I tried suggesting not getting anything but that didn't work.  She is highly stressed right now as we just spent two months with our son having some issue or another (teething, sinus, virus) and now her dad has been in the hospital twice this week, should never have been released the first time).

[forummm]

I think there's too much good advice to put into one post. Which is why there are already over 100 here.

My contribution is this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Conversations-Must-Have-Before-Married/dp/1489541357/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436715991&sr=8-1&keywords=10+conversations+you+must+have+before+you+get+married

And that the conversations should never stop. People change and you should know where your partner is. And it helps to keep talking deeply over the years because it brings you closer together, and headed down the same path.

[snogirl]

Don't make your honey where you make your money or don't stick your pen in company ink. My sister told me that 30 years ago somehow its still stuck in my head?

[MauiNut]

To all married men: Just say "I'm Sorry, Dear".  You don't need to know the details.

[RetiredAt63]

I was at a wedding (bride and groom had just finished university, so still youngish) where the minister, in his sermon, pointed out that the "forsaking all others, and cleaving only unto each other" meant that the bride and groom were now each other's first priority, and that parents and siblings were no longer first.  Given how many young marrieds have in-law issues, I thought this was very appropriate.  Especially since at the wedding you have both sets of parents plus sibs present, so in a sense it was aimed at them too.

[shelivesthedream]

1. Always say sorry first, even if it was their fault.
2. If you have not explicitly verbalised something, your spouse does not know about it. Talk to each other, don't try to read each other's minds.
3. Cashmere bed socks.

---

Oh yes, along the lines of #2, the best thing we do is to remember that sometimes your spouse I just grumpy for reasons which are nothing to do with you, or even no reason at all, so don't get all huffy about it. We say "I'm just grumpy" and the other one either gives them some space or tries to be extra nice. Recognise when you are 'just grumpy' and let your spouse know so it doesn't escalate.

[riverffashion]

1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
2. Remember how much you love each other & express this love frequently.
3. Pick your battles.

[shelivesthedream]

3. Pick your battles.

+1

[Bob W]

My best advice received came from the book "His Needs,  Her Needs" by Willard Harley.   You can check out his site and they share all their info for free if you don't want to get the book at the library.

The things to remember are this --

Men want their wives to dress nice,  stay fit and look decent while having great sex.   If a woman does that and a decent domestic job they have done their part.

Women want their husbands to earn enough money to pay all the household expenses and fun stuff while being honest and trustworthy.   They also want them to spend a minimum of 24 hours per week in one on one time with them.   

And never make a bank relationship withdrawal (no negative comments or criticism). 

If you can do these simple things you will live in bliss everyday.   

[MissStache]

My best advice received came from the book "His Needs,  Her Needs" by Willard Harley.   You can check out his site and they share all their info for free if you don't want to get the book at the library.

The things to remember are this --

Men want their wives to dress nice,  stay fit and look decent while having great sex.   If a woman does that and a decent domestic job they have done their part.

Women want their husbands to earn enough money to pay all the household expenses and fun stuff while being honest and trustworthy.   They also want them to spend a minimum of 24 hours per week in one on one time with them.   

And never make a bank relationship withdrawal (no negative comments or criticism). 

If you can do these simple things you will live in bliss everyday.

You probably shouldn't be getting marriage advice from books written in the Victorian era...

[shelivesthedream]

My best advice received came from the book "His Needs,  Her Needs" by Willard Harley.   You can check out his site and they share all their info for free if you don't want to get the book at the library.

The things to remember are this --

Men want their wives to dress nice,  stay fit and look decent while having great sex.   If a woman does that and a decent domestic job they have done their part.

Women want their husbands to earn enough money to pay all the household expenses and fun stuff while being honest and trustworthy.   They also want them to spend a minimum of 24 hours per week in one on one time with them.   

And never make a bank relationship withdrawal (no negative comments or criticism). 

If you can do these simple things you will live in bliss everyday.

Weirdly specific and not true. I mainly want my husband to listen to me talk about my pet projects/interests, get things down from high shelves, remind me to wash on a socially acceptable schedule and clean the loo. Bonus points for sharing cool facts about mediaeval bookbinding.

[scrubbyfish]

Delightful thread :)   Following.

[Secretly Saving]

Be kind to each other.

[scrubbyfish]

"You need to make a decision."

I just remembered that. I don't think I've received much relationship advice, which was interesting for me to realize via this thread, but this one I got in 2014. I was with a person that had several very concerning behaviours. When I had learned the latest, his brother-in-law commended my calm, my focus on making sure the environment stayed enjoyable for everyone despite the latest discovery, etc. And then he said these words. Him viewing me with so much respect and compassion and admiration first, and then saying these words very calmly, let me able to take it in. Here was a guy (partner's BIL) that I respected so much, who I knew to be an honest, faithful, fun, and caring man, and he was telling me it was as straightforward as that. "You know about this guy now. All that's left to do is decide whether to be with him or not." No tips on how to cope, or how to change my partner, or to "just accept it". You need to make a decision. Oh! Somehow, this guy was able to transmit his rational brain to me, and I was able to borrow it long enough to walk.

[Bumbling Bee]

it's not having similar temperaments that make a relationship; it's having the same values.

[screwit]

Always say Please and Thank You.
Especially over the little, daily things and especially when you are tired and stressed and not communicating well at all.

[mrpercentage]

It was a question.

Do you really want to start all this shit over again with someone else?

[iamlittlehedgehog]

On our wishing tree these were the favorite pieces of advice given

-You love for each other counts more when times are tough

- Take care of yourself so you can take care of them

-You spouse is number 1 priority above anyone else in this world. Treat them like that.

- Pick your battles - together. By that I mean both people need to determine what is priority and what isn't. The dishes may be important but sometimes that time may be better spent together.

[NorCal]

All women are crazy.  The key to dating is to find out how crazy and what type of crazy in the shortest amount of time.

A date where you find out someone is batsh** insane on the first date is the most successful date you'll ever go on.  You've ruled them out in the shortest amount of time.  And you probably got a good story out of it.

The ones to watch out for are the ones you don't find their crazy side for a year.

The key is finding the one that is the right type of crazy for you.

[CheapskateWife]

"love is a verb, not a feeling" 

When my husband is being silly and driving me crazy, I love him.
When my husband is being unreasonable and cranky, I love him.
When my husband is being selfish and thinking only of himself, I love him.

Loving him by serving, being kind, being thoughtful, brings him back around to being the wonderful, thoughtful, reasonable, sexy man I fell in love with.

[NorCal]

"love is a verb, not a feeling" 

Does that apply to love for oneself as well?



Couldn't resist.

[DeltaBond]

"Never trust a junkie."
"There are only 2 kinds of junkies, users and non-users, but they are all still junkies."
"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option."
"Listen to men about how men are."

[Bracken_Joy]

Always assume good intent.

[Bracken_Joy]

It's not catchy or anything, but I find it helpful to remind myself: "You two are on the SAME team".

My wife loves this idea/concept, of us against the world. She refers to us as a team quite a bit.

This was actually part of our vows.

[GuitarStv]

My best advice received came from the book "His Needs,  Her Needs" by Willard Harley.   You can check out his site and they share all their info for free if you don't want to get the book at the library.

The things to remember are this --

Men want their wives to dress nice,  stay fit and look decent while having great sex.   If a woman does that and a decent domestic job they have done their part.

Women want their husbands to earn enough money to pay all the household expenses and fun stuff while being honest and trustworthy.   They also want them to spend a minimum of 24 hours per week in one on one time with them.   

And never make a bank relationship withdrawal (no negative comments or criticism). 

If you can do these simple things you will live in bliss everyday.

Based on this advice, wouldn't the high earning man just be better off hiring a string of prostitutes and a maid?  Why get married at all?

[pbkmaine]

Be lovable.