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Other => Off Topic => Topic started by: Glenstache on October 11, 2016, 09:52:08 AM

Title: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 11, 2016, 09:52:08 AM
Could definitely use some levity to cut through a bad day. Tell me your best stupid short jokes. Here's one to get it started:

A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, says, "Bartender, I'd like five beers."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on October 11, 2016, 10:23:10 AM
A baby seal walks into a club...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Proud Foot on October 11, 2016, 10:23:34 AM
Two men walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: cliffhanger on October 11, 2016, 11:07:01 AM
Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Jeremy E. on October 11, 2016, 11:09:44 AM
I would tell a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: TheOldestYoungMan on October 11, 2016, 11:33:26 AM
In other news, Chevrolet recently announced they were closing their aquatics and aerospace divisions.  Apparently "like a rock" was a poor choice in brand-wide marketing.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mississippi Mudstache on October 11, 2016, 12:24:01 PM
Why does a flamingo stand with one leg off the ground?

Because if it stood with both legs off the ground, it'd fall down!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Jeremy E. on October 11, 2016, 01:07:25 PM
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on October 11, 2016, 01:17:21 PM
How do you keep a mustachian in suspense?


posting to follow
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Royale with Moustache on October 11, 2016, 01:30:36 PM
Did you hear Bob Barker finally died?

Yeah I guess he was walking to the store when he got run over by a BRAND NEW CAR!!!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mississippi Mudstache on October 11, 2016, 02:12:30 PM
What happens when you run behind a car?

You get exhausted.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 11, 2016, 02:20:24 PM
Did you hear about the two peanuts who got on the subway?
One of them was assaulted! (a-Salt-ed)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: ketchup on October 11, 2016, 03:11:07 PM
What happens when you run behind a car?

You get exhausted.
And when you run in front of a car?

You get tired.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: uppy on October 11, 2016, 03:57:56 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

Also posting to follow :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Jaguar Paw on October 11, 2016, 05:58:51 PM
Did you hear about that new pirate movie?
It's rated Arghhhhhh....

what's a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet?
(they answer R).
(close one eye, make a hook and speak out of the corner of you mouth) You think it's the arghh but it's the sea!

snare drum. curtain.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dee on October 11, 2016, 06:26:51 PM
You can never explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on October 11, 2016, 06:44:59 PM
How do you keep a mustachian in suspense?


posting to follow

Sorry, I don't have time to post the punchline today.  Maybe tomorrow.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nobodyspecial on October 11, 2016, 09:02:50 PM
3 dyslexics walk into a bra
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Sailor Sam on October 11, 2016, 09:06:21 PM
How do you sneak up on a special rabbit?
Unique up on on it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Greenway52 on October 11, 2016, 09:09:15 PM
Q: Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies washroom?

A: To boldly go where no man has been before.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Primm on October 11, 2016, 09:18:00 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Primm on October 11, 2016, 09:18:36 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sisto on October 11, 2016, 10:05:30 PM
What is it called when an astronaut has athlete's foot. Missile toe

So these two lions were eating a clown and one said to the other does this taste funny to you.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on October 11, 2016, 10:29:44 PM
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dollar Slice on October 11, 2016, 11:25:21 PM
(This one requires sound effects...)

Two whales went to a bar for a couple of beers.

One of them said to the other: [Here, the joke teller makes a long, weird noise that sounds like whale song... the longer the better]

The other one said: Dude, you are WASTED!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Frankies Girl on October 11, 2016, 11:56:48 PM
A guy has a stray cat come up, and he didn't like cats, so he picks it up, drives it out into the country and releases it.

He gets home, and the cat is curled up on the porch.

So the next day, he takes the cat several counties over and lets it go.

Pulling into his driveway, there sits the cat.

So the next day, he packs up the cat and drives out into the wilderness. He follows tiny dirt roads, off into the woods where the tracks are hard to see and keeps driving until hours later he arrives in a small clearing and gets out and releases the cat.

He turns around and drives off, but after a few hours, he stops and calls home. His wife answers.

"Hey hon, is that cat back on the front porch?"

The wife looks out "Oh, yes! He's sitting right by the door!"

So the husband sighs and says, "Well could you put him on the phone? I'm lost as hell and I need directions."

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on October 12, 2016, 12:09:37 AM
Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was intense.



Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 12, 2016, 12:14:21 AM
Yes to all of these jokes.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: marty998 on October 12, 2016, 01:21:55 AM
Members of the Flat Earth Society can be found all around the world.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Frankies Girl on October 12, 2016, 02:15:13 AM
A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender tells him "Hey buddy, you gotta leave; we don't serve string in here!"

So the string goes outside, ties itself into a half hitch, and rolls around on the ground until its ends were all messy. Then goes right back into the bar.

"Hey buddy - didn't I tell you we don't serve string in here?"

The string answers back, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: cliffhanger on October 12, 2016, 06:05:55 AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no fucking idea.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on October 12, 2016, 09:11:55 AM
Members of the Flat Earth Society can be found all around the world.

Globe.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Heywood57 on October 12, 2016, 10:06:43 AM

Dyslexia affects every three out of two people
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 12, 2016, 10:12:33 AM
How do you keep a mustachian in suspense?


posting to follow

Sorry, I don't have time to post the punchline today.  Maybe tomorrow.
oh good... posting to follow...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Sailor Sam on October 12, 2016, 11:06:59 AM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his britches, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender eyeballs him, and says 'You've got a wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: No Name Guy on October 12, 2016, 01:36:40 PM
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender asks "Why such the long face?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Spork on October 12, 2016, 01:48:13 PM
How do you sneak up on a special rabbit?
Unique up on on it.

How do you catch a trained rabbit?
Tame way.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: meerkat on October 12, 2016, 02:01:27 PM
What is something brown and sticky?

A stick.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Goldielocks on October 12, 2016, 02:05:22 PM
You can never explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.

+1000!
------

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of funding.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on October 12, 2016, 02:10:22 PM
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean.

------

How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't, you get down off a duck.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: marty998 on October 12, 2016, 02:22:52 PM
Members of the Flat Earth Society can be found all around the world.

Globe.

Dang. Can't even tell a joke properly these days.

Feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe :/
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Royale with Moustache on October 12, 2016, 03:02:47 PM
What is something brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's Brown and Rhymes With Snoop?

Dr. Dre
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: CowboyAndIndian on October 12, 2016, 03:25:58 PM
What's the difference between a circus and whorehouse?

One's full of cunning stunts, other is full of stunning c***ts

(Sorry, If anyone is offended, will remove this one)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Landlady on October 12, 2016, 03:40:23 PM
What do you call a baby quail?












A quaalude.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on October 12, 2016, 06:10:02 PM
How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't, you get down off a duck.

First one I haven't gotten.

Gonna declare this thread shame free, if you miss a pun, okay to say so.  :D

Though just as I was typing this, the wife solved it (down in the second sentence==what you use in pillows).  Still going to click post anyways, in case someone else missed this one, or to mention it's okay to be confused.  :P

(I will probably replace "off" with "from" when I retell the down joke.  The "Globe" was a good edit for the flat earth one.)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on October 12, 2016, 06:16:30 PM
How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't, you get down off a duck.

First one I haven't gotten.

Gonna declare this thread shame free, if you miss a pun, okay to say so.  :D

Though just as I was typing this, the wife solved it (down in the second sentence==what you use in pillows).  Still going to click post anyways, in case someone else missed this one, or to mention it's okay to be confused.  :P

(I will probably replace "off" with "from" when I retell the down joke.  The "Globe" was a good edit for the flat earth one.)

I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MrsWhipple on October 12, 2016, 06:22:44 PM
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MandalayVA on October 12, 2016, 06:42:57 PM
An oldie but a goodie from Rodney Dangerfield:

I walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Make me a zombie!"

The bartender looked back at me and said, "Too late, God already did."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on October 12, 2016, 08:31:20 PM
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a pink elephant?
Hold its nose 'til it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: ketchup on October 13, 2016, 07:45:33 AM
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on October 13, 2016, 10:16:46 AM
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RetiredAt63 on October 13, 2016, 11:15:55 AM
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: 2Cent on October 13, 2016, 11:23:53 AM
Why do pirates sound like pirates?

Because they Arrrrr
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: deadlymonkey on October 13, 2016, 11:56:57 AM
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?


If it stood on zero, it would fall over.



My grandfather started running at 65.


He is 70 now and we don't know where he is.


Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MandyM on October 13, 2016, 12:21:36 PM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Northwestie on October 13, 2016, 02:05:31 PM
Why was Lincoln buried on the side of a hill?

Because he was dead.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on October 13, 2016, 04:50:37 PM
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Beardog on October 13, 2016, 04:51:50 PM
There was a group of cowboys traveling west, and no one wanted to cook.  Finally, Sam agreed to be the cook, but only on the condition that no one complained about the food.  Sam did his best, and ended up cooking for many weeks. 

Desparate to get out of cooking duty, Sam picked up horse buns one day, and served them to the guys for dinner.  One of his mates tasted his meal and said "This tastes like $H1$ !!"  Then he said "Good though!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: The Guru on October 13, 2016, 07:08:20 PM
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that pig in here!" The guy says "It's not a pig, it's a duck." The bartender says "I was talking to the duck".
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on October 13, 2016, 08:30:24 PM
Why was Lincoln buried on the side of a hill?

Because he was dead.

Not a joke*: in high school my ROTC instructor always included the following question on his history exam "Who is in Grant's tomb?"  At least one student got it wrong every year that he taught there.






*But still funny as hell.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: driftwood on October 14, 2016, 05:57:11 AM
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.

I read it out loud.  I tried pronouncing "Quaalude" differently.  I still don't get it. quail lood? quail ood?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on October 14, 2016, 06:12:49 AM
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.

I read it out loud.  I tried pronouncing "Quaalude" differently.  I still don't get it. quail lood? quail ood?

Quay-lude.  Like Prelude.

It's not a great joke, but that's the pun.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: wkumtrider on October 14, 2016, 06:24:38 AM
 Why did the projector blush?

It saw the filmstrip
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MissNancyPryor on October 14, 2016, 06:38:58 AM
Which side of a tiger has more stripes?


The outside.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Frankies Girl on October 14, 2016, 06:51:05 AM
Two cows standing in a field. One cow asks the other "So are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "Not at all; I'm a helicopter!"

A family checks into a hotel and the father stops and asks in a hushed tone, "Hey, I hope the porn channel is disabled."
The clerk replies "No, it's just regular porn you sicko!"

And the lord said to John "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life and salvation."
But John came fifth and received a toaster.

If you ever start feeling cold, just go stand in a corner for a while. They're usually about 90 degrees.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: letthelightin on October 14, 2016, 06:55:53 AM
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.

I read it out loud.  I tried pronouncing "Quaalude" differently.  I still don't get it. quail lood? quail ood?

Quay-lude.  Like Prelude.

It's not a great joke, but that's the pun.

A baby quail is a prelude to a quail. "Quail" + "prelude" = Quailude, pronounced same as Quaalude. Hence, a baby quail is a quaalude.

That's my interpretation of it. I'm sure I've overexplained the funny right out of it though. :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: jinga nation on October 14, 2016, 06:57:51 AM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Or because 6 didn't make it to this world and 7 went down in flames. /S(amsungNote)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: letthelightin on October 14, 2016, 07:10:31 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because a car was coming.


Why did the chicken get squished?

Because a car was coming.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Royale with Moustache on October 14, 2016, 09:47:27 AM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Why do octal jokes suck?

Because 7 10 11.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and December?

Because Dec 25 is Oct 31.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on October 14, 2016, 09:53:29 AM
Give me ambiguity! Or give me some other thing.  If you don't have any ambiguity, give me ambivalence. Either way I don't care.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: deadlymonkey on October 14, 2016, 10:01:35 AM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Why do octal jokes suck?

Because 7 10 11.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and December?

Because Dec 25 is Oct 31.

The Halloween and Christmas one is good.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: ketchup on October 14, 2016, 10:48:38 AM
Maybe you guys can help me with a joke I've been unable to understand.  It's been in the back of my head for a long time now.

When I was in high school working at Dairy Queen, someone was outside with a T-shirt that said: "Maybe I should get an extra GARAGE, just in case!"  No graphics or anything else I'm aware of.

It was clearly meant to be funny, "GARAGE" appeared to have been the key to the joke, but I didn't get it at all.  None of my coworkers at the time had any clue.  I'm sure it's something stupid, but I've pondered it for years.

Maybe a pop culture reference that went over my head?  Anyone have any ideas?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MNBen on October 14, 2016, 12:20:31 PM
Q:  What do you call a cow with no legs?

A:   Ground Beef

===============================================

Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A:  Lean Beef

===============================================

(this one probably should be spoken rather than read)

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.

===============================================

My personal favorite this time of year...

When you're with someone and see geese flying, look up and ask them, "Do you know why one side (of the V) is longer than the other?"

The more they think about it, the more you'll enjoy delivering your punchline... 

"More geese!"
 
===============================================

And finally here are a bunch more to entertain: https://twitter.com/TheCrapJoker (https://twitter.com/TheCrapJoker)

===============================================
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: meerkat on October 14, 2016, 12:38:45 PM
(this one probably should be spoken rather than read)

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.

Read it first, then speak this one out loud:

C M ducks?
M R not.
O S M R. C R wangs?
Y I B! M R ducks!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Spork on October 14, 2016, 03:15:45 PM
How do you kill a circus?

Shoot it in the juggler.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 14, 2016, 03:35:17 PM
How do you get two oboists to play in harmony?

Spoiler: show
Shoot one.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RetiredAt63 on October 14, 2016, 04:12:50 PM
How do you get two oboists to play in harmony?

Spoiler: show
Shoot one.


That's cruel - and funny.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: uppy on October 14, 2016, 04:13:16 PM
Just want to say this is one of the most awesome threads ever.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: desk_jockey on October 14, 2016, 06:50:11 PM
A vulture boards an airplane with three dead raccoons. The flight attendant says to him, "I'm sorry, but you’re only allowed two carrion."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sisto on October 15, 2016, 12:32:55 PM
A little MMM humor today:

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?

FIRED
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Frankies Girl on October 15, 2016, 01:15:43 PM
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungi!”

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

What do you do with a dead chemist …. You Barium.

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?….. To get to the other side!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on October 15, 2016, 03:25:38 PM
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungi!”

And he doesn't take up mushroom!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: The Guru on October 15, 2016, 06:54:17 PM
It's the first day of school, and the teacher is getting acquainted with her second-grade class. She tells them "You're in second grade now: you're getting to the age where you need to quit using 'baby talk" and use more grown-up speech". With that in mind she asks them to share what they did on their summer vacation.

One boy starts by saying "I got to ride a choo-choo!"

She says "That sounds like fun, Johnny- but it's more grown up to say 'I rode a train".

Next a little girl shares "We went to see my Grammy!" Teacher says "That's wonderful to spend time with family- but you might start calling her Grandmother, or Grandma".

Another boy says "I read a book!" Teacher says "Billy, that's wonderful, reading on your summer vacation! What book did you read?"

Kid thinks a moments then replies "Winnie the Shit".
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: marty998 on October 15, 2016, 08:07:24 PM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Why do octal jokes suck?

Because 7 10 11.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and December?

Because Dec 25 is Oct 31.

The Halloween and Christmas one is good.

For the non-computerised people like me... I had to google this one. I did understand the binary one though... :)

https://www.idtech.com/blog/part-i-top-10-programmer-jokes-explained-for-the-rest-of-us/

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 20, 2016, 04:18:15 PM
I'm not letting this thread die! 
Seriously... it's been the bright-spot of my otherwise crappy week (sad, but true).

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A:
Spoiler: show
erotic is using a feather.  Kinky is using the whole damn chicken.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on October 20, 2016, 04:23:33 PM
“Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!”
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on October 20, 2016, 05:13:02 PM
What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're big metal fans.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 20, 2016, 06:14:04 PM
This thread has helped with a shitty week, for sure.

How deep does the frog need to wade into the pond to swim?

Spoiler: show
(say it with me) Knee-deep, Knee-deep, Knee-deep, Knee-deep.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dicey on October 20, 2016, 06:27:04 PM
Sorry if this one's been told. I'll come back and apologize after i've read the rest of the jokes if it has, lol.

Q: What kind of fish has two knees?

A: A two-knee fish.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MrsWhipple on October 21, 2016, 12:53:38 PM
- What did the fish say when he ran headfirst into a wall?
- "Dam."

- What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an anthill?
- <to the pink panther tune> "Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant..."

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on October 21, 2016, 01:01:41 PM
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on October 21, 2016, 01:09:10 PM
Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

A: Fo' Drizzle.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on October 21, 2016, 01:21:37 PM
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on October 21, 2016, 01:46:48 PM
How does a farmer count cows?



With a cowculator.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on October 21, 2016, 01:49:18 PM
What do witches put on their hair?




Scare spray!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Frankies Girl on October 21, 2016, 02:49:19 PM
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

Two whales walk into a bar.
The first one says, "Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh".
The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

There's no "I" in Denial.

What do you call a magic dog? An Abracalabrador.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on October 21, 2016, 02:56:24 PM
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.  Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 21, 2016, 03:11:11 PM
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.  Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
and even they are divided on how funny.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MrsWhipple on October 21, 2016, 03:37:45 PM
There's no "I" in Denial.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Lol, had never heard these two. Fantastic!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Heywood57 on October 21, 2016, 05:21:30 PM

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way,
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 21, 2016, 06:18:03 PM

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

"Everything you can fir in your mouth is edible (at least once)"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MrsWhipple on October 21, 2016, 07:46:33 PM
You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

It's 2016, people don't need parachutes to skydive anymore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qF_fzEI4wU
This is a friend of a friend doing it; makes me piss my pants just watching!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on October 21, 2016, 09:48:01 PM


The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Eagles may soar high and proudly above the clouds, but conniving weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Cannot Wait! on October 21, 2016, 09:56:35 PM
How do you keep an elephant from crawling under your door?

Tie a knot in it's tail.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on October 21, 2016, 10:51:54 PM
How do you keep an elephant from crawling under your door?

Tie a knot in it's tail.
I tried this, but it actually didn't stop them; they kept crawling under and then getting stuck.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: gooki on October 22, 2016, 04:45:55 AM
How do you get pikachu on a bus? Poke him on.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on October 22, 2016, 03:07:03 PM
What do you call a cow with no legs?

GROUND beef.

A photon checks into a hotel for the night.  Bellhop asks, "Carry your bags?"  Photon replies, "I didn't bring any.  I'm traveling light."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on October 23, 2016, 12:19:06 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: WootWoot on October 23, 2016, 12:47:48 PM
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on October 23, 2016, 12:53:14 PM
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads “Small medium at large.”

Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 23, 2016, 06:02:26 PM
Why did the cheese thief pick up chips on the way home?
Because the guy chasing him kept yelling, "Hey, that's nat-cho cheese!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Primm on October 23, 2016, 06:37:59 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: yakamashii on October 23, 2016, 06:52:00 PM
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaa! ♫

What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on October 24, 2016, 10:37:20 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 24, 2016, 10:45:58 AM
Confucius says baseball makes no sense: Man with four balls cannot walk.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MandalayVA on October 24, 2016, 11:08:29 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is, so I'll go with this:

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.  He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping to make your favorite dinner tonight.  Love you!"

Totally shocked by the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table and he asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.  Broke the coffee table, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? Isn't your mother mad?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you yelled 'LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!'"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 24, 2016, 11:20:46 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
Spoiler: show
The rearranged the furniture.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MandalayVA on October 24, 2016, 12:26:40 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
Spoiler: show
The rearranged the furniture.


Spoiler: show
They made her read the waffle iron
also works here.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on October 24, 2016, 01:07:26 PM
Why did the projector blush?

It saw the filmstrip

Why was the tomato blushing?

Because it saw the salad dressing.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: jambongris on October 24, 2016, 01:19:38 PM
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 24, 2016, 01:30:22 PM
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?

Ha!  I get it!  Must be making progress in this whole french language thing.

(in french, the word for "book" and "pound" are the same: livre)

Follow up joke:
What did the Quebec Salmon say when it went over the waterfall?
Spoiler: show
Oh, chute!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on October 24, 2016, 01:51:58 PM
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?


Here's another French/ English language one...

What is the French word for swimming pool?








Piscine
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: jambongris on October 24, 2016, 02:08:48 PM
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?


Here's another French/ English language one...

What is the French word for swimming pool?



Piscine

Alright, French jokes it is.

There are two cats trying to swim across the English Channel; one English and one French. The two cats are named "one two three" and "un deux trois". Which cat made it across?

Spoiler: show
The "one two three" cat won because the "un deux trois" quatre cinq!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on October 24, 2016, 06:53:34 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
Spoiler: show
The rearranged the furniture.


Spoiler: show
They made her read the waffle iron
also works here.

Or
Spoiler: show
after using it, they left the toilet plunger in.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: accolay on October 25, 2016, 01:48:37 AM
Pony walks into a bar, says to the bartender (in whisper)
"Can I have a beer?"
Bartender asks, "why are you whispering?"
"I'm a little hoarse."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: accolay on October 25, 2016, 01:49:31 AM
Bear walks into a bar says,
"Can I have a........beer?"
Bartender asks, "why the long pause?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Blindsquirrel on October 25, 2016, 06:48:01 PM
 If a women with big boobs works at hooters, where does a woman with one leg work?






iHop

Please tip your waitstaff, I will be here all week. :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 27, 2016, 09:36:11 AM
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 30, 2016, 09:45:07 PM
How much room does a fungus need to grow?


As mushroom as possible.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: calimom on October 31, 2016, 05:11:43 PM
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 01, 2016, 11:43:49 AM
What did Baby corn say to mommy Corn?



....Where is Popcorn?




What did the Mama cow say to the baby cow?



.....It's pasture bedtime!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on November 01, 2016, 11:50:20 AM
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey
(Say this one out loud)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 01, 2016, 12:12:57 PM
Watched the Lego movie with the kids the other day......


Seemed a bit pieced together to me.


Everything is Awesome!
[url][/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StTqXEQ2l-Yurl]
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on November 01, 2016, 12:18:41 PM
You wanna hear a dirty joke?


Spoiler: show
Little boy fell in the mud.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: daverobev on November 01, 2016, 12:42:02 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in this world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Spoiler: show
snowballs
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: The Guru on November 01, 2016, 05:05:37 PM
The Invisible Man and the Invisible Woman had a family. The kids were nothing to look at.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 01, 2016, 05:14:17 PM
The Invisible Man and the Invisible Woman had a family. The kids were nothing to look at.
I see what you did there.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sonjak on November 01, 2016, 08:33:52 PM
Confucius say: hooker on bike pedal ass all over town.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: The Guru on November 02, 2016, 05:19:52 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

(say it out loud)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: gillstone on November 02, 2016, 10:08:52 AM
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Car Jack on November 02, 2016, 01:18:53 PM
Did you hear the latest huge merger?

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

They're calling it Youtwitface.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: WootWoot on November 02, 2016, 04:25:15 PM
This is an old one.

A man is driving his car down the street, when he gets this overwhelming compulsion to run over a pedestrian. He tries to fight it, but he ends up swerving onto the sidewalk and running the guy over. He keeps going. "Whew, what came over me?" he says. A mile or so later, he sees another pedestrian. The same overwhelming urge comes over him, and he ends up running this guy over, too. He keeps driving on afterward.

A few miles later, he sees a priest hitchhiking at the side of the road. He pulls over to pick him up. The priest says he got a flat and needs a lift to a service station. They're rolling along, until the driver sees yet another pedestrian, gets the same terrible urge to run him over, and doesn't know what to do. "There's a priest in my car! I can't run anyone down!" Then he thinks, "Hmmm...maybe if I pretend I fell asleep at the wheel..."

So he closes his eyes and drops his head and he hears the terrible thump as he hits the pedestrian.

He opens his eyes, pretending to jerk awake, and says to the priest, "Oh, no! Father, tell me the truth: Did I hit someone?"

The priest says, "No, you missed him, but I got him with the door."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 02, 2016, 04:45:50 PM
Reminds me of the one about the stuttering bible salesman. The manager was insistent on knowing how exactly he had sold enough bibles to be salesman of the year. After months of pressing questions, the salesman finally revealed his pitch:
<knock on door>
Spoiler: show
"Y-Y-Y-You w-w-w-w-ant to -b-bb-b-bb-buy it, o-o-o-or ya w-w-w-w-w-w-wanna h-h-h-h-hear m-m-m-m-me r-r-r-r-read it?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on November 02, 2016, 06:14:25 PM
There are two types of people in the world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete information
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on November 02, 2016, 08:42:35 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on November 02, 2016, 08:43:10 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under your car?

Jack.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on November 02, 2016, 08:45:40 PM
Try this one on your friends.  Best served once you're already laughing from the other jokes in this thread:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  ...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Goldielocks on November 02, 2016, 10:44:25 PM
There are two types of people in the world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete information

That is an OCD fail...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on November 02, 2016, 11:11:38 PM
Try this one on your friends.  Best served once you're already laughing from the other jokes in this thread:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  ...


For the final line, I like then answering "Who's there?" and they're left going "..."   :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on November 03, 2016, 12:18:43 AM
Try this one on your friends.  Best served once you're already laughing from the other jokes in this thread:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  ...


For the final line, I like then answering "Who's there?" and they're left going "..."   :)

Did I really forget that part?  Yes, you are correct:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  Who's there?
Friend:  ...
You:  [Winning!]
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 03, 2016, 10:14:35 AM
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” And then he dies.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: daverobev on November 03, 2016, 10:28:21 AM
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” And then he dies.

Love it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 03, 2016, 10:35:36 AM
What does Hitler call his favorite chair?

Spoiler: show
Mein Kampfy Chair.



(because we had not triggered Godwin's Law yet)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MichaelB on November 03, 2016, 11:11:51 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
Spoiler: show
The rearranged the furniture.


Spoiler: show
They made her read the waffle iron
also works here.

Or
Spoiler: show
after using it, they left the toilet plunger in.


How do you keep Helen Keller busy for hours?

Spoiler: show
 Give her a piece of sandpaper and tell her it's an urgent message.


Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Spoiler: show
Because she's a woman.


Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Spoiler: show
Because she's dead.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: fiftyincher on November 03, 2016, 12:52:43 PM
An old man in front of me at Aldi asked me if I wanted to hear a corny joke. Of course I did!

What you you call a cow that just gave birth?
Spoiler: show
de-calf-inated
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 03, 2016, 02:17:45 PM
Chemistry jokes are Sodium Funny!

If a king farts.... is it a Noble gas?

I slapped my Neon that one!

Do not trust Atoms they make up everything!

I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon

Lab closed gone Fission.



Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 03, 2016, 02:45:12 PM
Chemistry jokes are Sodium Funny!

If a king farts.... is it a Noble gas?

I slapped my Neon that one!

Do not trust Atoms they make up everything!

I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon

Lab closed gone Fission.

Helium read you jokes. He didn't react.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 04, 2016, 08:38:08 AM
 If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dezrah on November 04, 2016, 03:23:51 PM
Two women are discussing whether this joke passes the Bechdel test.

--------------

Rene DesCartes walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"  "I think not."  And *poof* he disappears.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 05, 2016, 10:48:49 AM
A photon checks into a hotel.
The Bellhop asks "Can I help you with your luggage?"
The photon replies "I don't have any. I am travelling light!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on November 05, 2016, 12:20:02 PM
What do you call a pickle on sale?

A Sweet Dill.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on November 05, 2016, 06:14:47 PM
Why don't blind people like to skydive?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on November 05, 2016, 08:08:48 PM
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” And then he dies.

The follow up joke to this that I heard it today:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First one: I'll have an H2O.
Second: I'll have an H2O, too.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundry tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

:)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on November 05, 2016, 09:24:13 PM
What type of milk do groundhogs drink?
Hole milk.

Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher break off their engagement?
They had no chemistry.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RamonaQ on November 06, 2016, 09:13:33 AM
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on November 10, 2016, 01:14:38 PM
Two antennae got married.  The wedding was terrible but the reception was amazing.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: ketchup on November 10, 2016, 01:16:47 PM
I hear that the first thing Trump will do in office is ban pre-shredded cheese.

He's going to make America grate again.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on November 10, 2016, 01:23:55 PM
I hear that the first thing Trump will do in office is ban pre-shredded cheese.

He's going to make America grate again.

This is the one thread I'm not upset politics came into. This is an awesome joke, even if it is a little cheesy =P
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: frugalnacho on November 10, 2016, 02:46:20 PM
posting to follow
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on November 10, 2016, 02:48:21 PM
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're REALLY good at it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on November 10, 2016, 02:55:42 PM
What did the rug say to the floor?


Don't move, I've got you covered.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: TexasRunner on November 10, 2016, 03:00:12 PM
posting to follow. :)  These are great.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: cheapbarb on November 10, 2016, 03:35:01 PM
A hammer, a wrench and a screwdriver are all sitting in a bar when a drill walks in. The hammer turns to the wrench and the screwdriver and says "Hey, you guys both know the drill, right?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on November 11, 2016, 10:03:18 AM
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?


Somebody who lies awake wondering if there's a dog.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on November 18, 2016, 11:38:43 AM
Bumping.  We need stupid jokes.


What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Cannot Wait! on November 18, 2016, 01:29:59 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a tree?

Lief.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 18, 2016, 03:10:05 PM
Why did the picture go to jail?

Spoiler: show
Because it was framed.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIREdancer on November 18, 2016, 03:14:50 PM
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?

Spoiler: show
It's ass.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 18, 2016, 03:25:01 PM
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

(This one cracks me up far more than it should)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on November 18, 2016, 04:27:48 PM
How does a train eat?
Spoiler: show
It goes "chew chew"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on November 18, 2016, 09:01:57 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's laying in a hole next to a pile of gravel?

Spoiler: show
Phil.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kitsunegari on November 19, 2016, 08:17:29 AM
So, for whatever reason I really love misogynistic jokes, so here you go:

What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Spoiler: show
Nothing, you already told her twice.


What do you call a young bride with a black eye?
Spoiler: show
A fast learner.


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kitsunegari on November 19, 2016, 08:22:12 AM
Do you know why women don't need wristwatches?

Spoiler: show
There's a watch on the stove.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on November 19, 2016, 10:01:46 AM
I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar, but every time I open a door, a voice just says "go away".
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MichaelB on November 19, 2016, 10:46:25 AM
Well, Kitsunegari's jokes are less politically correct than the one I was hesitating on, so I'll just let it fly. :-)

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

Spoiler: show
So she can use the other hand to moan.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on November 19, 2016, 10:48:25 AM
What do you call a pony's cough?

A little hoarse.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 19, 2016, 10:25:44 PM
So, for whatever reason I really love misogynistic jokes, so here you go:

What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Spoiler: show
Nothing, you already told her twice.


What do you call a young bride with a black eye?
Spoiler: show
A fast learner.


Boooo. dislike.

MOD NOTE: Shame free joke thread.  Please start a new topic if you'd like to discuss anything you find objectionable related to that: the merits of a particular joke, the merits of even having a shame free joke thread versus a moderated one that's kept "politically correct," etc.  Any of those are up for discussion, or your disapproval.  But not in this thread, do it in another one, to not clutter this.  Thanks!  :)

Note to MOD: I started this thread as a fun distraction from bad news in life and in that vein would encourage people to remain tasteful. The no-shame portion many pages up was about "getting" the joke. Feel free to delete this post entirely as you see fit for moderation purposes. :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: daverobev on November 20, 2016, 12:09:51 PM
Stupid, or bad jokes? Ok... I know some old, bad ones.

Why is a woman like a washing machine?

Spoiler: show
They both leak when they are fucked


What's a blonde/<insert cliche of your choice>'s favourite wine?

Spoiler: show
Daaaddy, I want to go to Miami!


(Apropos: Regina Spektor on, "People are just people, people are just people like you" - no offense to actual humans intended. I have a blonde daughter. Hopefully she will be more intelligent and funnier than I am.)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: accolay on November 21, 2016, 12:43:49 AM
Why do blondes have sore belly buttons?

Spoiler: show
They have blonde boyfriends
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MandalayVA on November 21, 2016, 01:20:50 AM
Well, Kitsunegari's jokes are less politically correct than the one I was hesitating on, so I'll just let it fly. :-)

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

Spoiler: show
So she can use the other hand to moan.


Oh, wow, I'd forgotten about that one.  It's still funny, too.

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
Spoiler: show
Corduroy

or
Spoiler: show
Velcro
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Freckles on November 21, 2016, 01:27:20 AM
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.

What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on November 21, 2016, 07:52:09 AM
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day!

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
Spoiler: show
The polar bear.


What's blue and smells like red paint?
Spoiler: show
Blue paint.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MandalayVA on November 21, 2016, 09:11:38 AM
I was just reminded of an somewhat dated oldie but goodie:

Mother Teresa dies and immediately goes to heaven, where she is greeted rapturously.  St. Peter himself escorts her on the grand tour, but towards the end of the tour he notes that a halo can't be given to her just yet due to a back order situation at the halo factory that's been going on for a couple of weeks.  Mother Teresa, being Mother Teresa, nods serenely and says "I can wait, good Peter."

The next day, however, Mother Teresa is at St. Peter's office doors and she's PISSED.  "Halo shortage, my foot!" she yells at him.  "I just saw that harlot Princess Diana strutting about and SHE has a halo.  I gave my life to my God and spent my days among the poorest of the poor but must wait for my halo, while that overmade-up whore who only did charity work if she could get a photo op out of it ALREADY HAS A HALO!  I DEMAND ANSWERS!"

St. Peter remains calm.  "My dear Mother," he says, "that's not a halo.  That's a steering wheel."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 21, 2016, 09:37:24 AM
What does a vegan zombie eat?

Spoiler: show
Graaaaaiiiiiiins!!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: auntie_betty on November 21, 2016, 02:06:34 PM
These are dreadful.

Posting to follow :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mississippi Mudstache on November 21, 2016, 02:23:04 PM
What do Israel and lemons have in common?

Spoiler: show
They both contain Hasidic Jews (acidic juice).



How many millenials does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler: show
One: he holds it in the socket and the world revolves around him.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on November 21, 2016, 04:34:00 PM
Said the doctor to his patient: Your wife needs to stop those vinegar douches.  I'm afraid you have a pickled pecker, Peter.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: accolay on November 22, 2016, 12:31:16 AM
How does Hitler tie his shoes?

Spoiler: show
with Nazis
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 22, 2016, 09:43:13 AM
Bill Gates farted in an Apple store and stunk up the whole place...

But it was their own fault for not having "Windows"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on November 22, 2016, 11:28:21 AM
Here are some seasonal ones:

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?


What do you get when you cross a sheep with a bee?

A bah-humbug.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on November 23, 2016, 10:01:55 AM
Seasonal theme (at least for those in the US):

Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
Spoiler: show

He was stuffed!


Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Spoiler: show
He had the drumsticks!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on November 26, 2016, 01:52:25 PM
What do you do with a sick boat?

Take it to the doc.


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: comp@26 on November 26, 2016, 01:59:21 PM
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem?
Where do I begin, man?
I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work.
Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows.
He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness.
But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there…
At night I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm.
A lady that I once loved, doc.
I don’t know where to turn to.
My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the cold of last year.
The cold took her down, as it did many of us.
And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc.
My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch…
I no longer love him.
As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice  that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.
If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…
Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist.
Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

-Norm MacDonald
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on November 26, 2016, 09:16:38 PM
Norm MacDonald

Probably the most brilliant to underrated ratio of any comedian of our time.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: frugalnacho on November 26, 2016, 09:55:56 PM
Norm MacDonald

Probably the most brilliant to underrated ratio of any comedian of our time.

Or that's what the Germans would like you to believe!

And coming in second, you guessed it,
Spoiler: show
Frank Stallone.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Zamboni on November 27, 2016, 06:04:36 AM
A sodium atom walks into a bar and says "I've lost an electron."
The bartender asks "Are you sure?"
The atom replies "I'm positive."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on November 27, 2016, 06:10:48 PM
toot
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on November 29, 2016, 12:13:16 PM
YES!!!  The Muppet good old days!

This is a guaranteed pick me up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: CheapskateWife on November 29, 2016, 12:23:27 PM
So have you heard about the three rings of marriage?

There's the Engagement ring,
The Wedding ring,
And the Suffering.

DH loves that one :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on November 30, 2016, 11:52:31 AM
This made me laugh today:
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MichaelB on November 30, 2016, 01:45:10 PM
Reminds me of this one:

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on December 01, 2016, 12:14:26 PM
One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RamonaQ on December 01, 2016, 12:33:20 PM
How can you tell the sex of an ant?

Throw it in water.  If it sinks, it's a girl ant.  If it floats, it's a boy ant (buoyant).
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on December 01, 2016, 10:59:55 PM
One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."

Why is this funny?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on December 02, 2016, 12:07:38 AM


One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."

Why is this funny?

The customer is being sarcastic.  It actually was hot.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on December 02, 2016, 10:49:02 AM
What washes up on tiny beaches?

Microwaves.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on December 02, 2016, 02:44:50 PM
One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."

Why is this funny?

It's an excellent example of blarney/bullshit/whatever you want to call it. The version my dad tells actually has the customer as a fast thinking city slicker, but I just copy and pasted the version I could find online, since I wasn't sure I would word mine clearly.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Cranberries on December 02, 2016, 05:13:46 PM
What lies on the bottom of the sea and twitches?
Spoiler: show
A nervous wreck


What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Spoiler: show
Dung!!


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on December 03, 2016, 02:24:23 PM
Q: What's your nationality in the bathroom?
Spoiler: show
A: European
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: erutio on December 03, 2016, 07:50:23 PM
Ok, some racially insensitive ones:

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Spoiler: show
Roberto


What do you call a Mexican who drives a stick shift car?
Spoiler: show
Manuel


What do you call a Mexican who drives a lowered car?
Spoiler: show
Carlos
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MichaelB on December 04, 2016, 05:29:21 AM
Q: What's your nationality in the bathroom?
Spoiler: show
A: European


And what's your nationality when you leave the bathroom?

Spoiler: show
Finnish
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on December 04, 2016, 06:25:09 AM
Q: What's your nationality in the bathroom?
Spoiler: show
A: European


And what's your nationality when you leave the bathroom?

Spoiler: show
Finnish


Did you remember to zip?

Spoiler: show
Czech!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on December 04, 2016, 06:26:19 AM
Or
Spoiler: show
Thai
, if you wear those comfy-looking pants.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on December 04, 2016, 06:27:04 AM
You probably had to go because you had your
Spoiler: show
Filipino
at the wine bar.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on December 04, 2016, 06:35:29 AM
You probably had to go because you had your
Spoiler: show
Filipino
at the wine bar.

This is probably the most clever of them so far.  Well played.

Spoiler: show
It Israeli funny.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on December 04, 2016, 06:38:33 AM
If you ate too much spicy
Spoiler: show
Chile
you might have problems with
Spoiler: show
Djibouti
.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on December 04, 2016, 06:54:32 AM
That'll give you extra time to notice that, great
Spoiler: show
Scot
, it's time for a new
Spoiler: show
Brazilian
!

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on December 04, 2016, 07:12:35 AM
That'll give you extra time to notice that, great
Spoiler: show
Scot
, it's time for a new
Spoiler: show
Brazilian
!

If history is any guide, a
Spoiler: show
Laos
can hide in those special zones; it's best to denude them.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on December 04, 2016, 07:27:27 AM
That's what happens when you
Spoiler: show
Russia
joke; you get jokes within jokes.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on December 04, 2016, 09:27:37 AM
What purpose is this
Spoiler: show
Serb
-ing, really? There is
Spoiler: show
norway
this could get worse.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: auntie_betty on December 04, 2016, 10:03:18 AM
What purpose is this
Spoiler: show
Serb
-ing, really? There is
Spoiler: show
norway
this could get worse.

This is getting really
Spoiler: show
Spainful
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on December 04, 2016, 10:21:01 AM
Did you know that Saddam Hussein was teaming up with Apple to produce a line of push-up bras? It was going to be called the
Spoiler: show
Iraq
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on December 04, 2016, 11:35:56 AM
Spoiler: show
Iran
away from that one!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on December 04, 2016, 12:02:30 PM
Spoiler: show
Swede!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on December 04, 2016, 12:29:57 PM
U'S A funny bunch.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Daley on December 04, 2016, 12:44:45 PM
Spoiler: show
Italia
, I
Spoiler: show
Canada
take much more of these.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: erutio on December 04, 2016, 01:01:38 PM
Spoiler: show
Italia
, I
Spoiler: show
Canada
take much more of these.
I can't either,
Spoiler: show
Irish
you all would stop.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Daley on December 04, 2016, 01:07:23 PM
I can't either,
Spoiler: show
Irish
you all would stop.

Spoiler: show
Oman
! Are you
Spoiler: show
Seria
? You all
Spoiler: show
Congo
on, but I'm
Spoiler: show
Angolan
home.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on December 04, 2016, 07:13:39 PM
You guys are a bunch of
Spoiler: show
Turkeys
. Are you just
Spoiler: show
Sudan
around coming up with these?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on December 04, 2016, 07:24:36 PM
That's enough.
Spoiler: show
Yemen
and women need to tone it down.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on December 04, 2016, 07:55:37 PM
That's enough.
Spoiler: show
Yemen
and women need to tone it down.

are you worried that we might be
Spoiler: show
Greece-ing
the slippery slope? Or, have you just
Spoiler: show
Benin
this situation before?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on December 04, 2016, 08:57:45 PM
Or, have you just
Spoiler: show
Benin
this situation before?

That's a new one on me!  I have
Spoiler: show
Togo
study my countries!  Are you
Spoiler: show
Ghana
join me?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on December 04, 2016, 09:45:33 PM
Better
Spoiler: show
Peruse
the atlas!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on December 05, 2016, 10:40:50 AM
Or, have you just
Spoiler: show
Benin
this situation before?

That's a new one on me!  I have
Spoiler: show
Togo
study my countries!  Are you
Spoiler: show
Ghana
join me?
Of course. It will be like a
Spoiler: show
Réunion
! Unless, as a moderator, you get busy
Spoiler: show
Bhuatan
people out of threads.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: afuera on December 05, 2016, 11:36:52 AM
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” And then he dies.

The follow up joke to this that I heard it today:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First one: I'll have an H2O.
Second: I'll have an H2O, too.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundry tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

:)

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water too.  Wh...why did you say H2O? Like, I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work"
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan failed.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: afuera on December 05, 2016, 11:39:48 AM
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” And then he dies.

The follow up joke to this that I heard it today:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First one: I'll have an H2O.
Second: I'll have an H2O, too.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundry tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

:)

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water too.  Wh...why did you say H2O? Like, I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work"
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan failed.

Also:
Two scientists walk into a bar.  One says, "I'll have some H2O". 
The other says, "Who comes to a bar for water? I'll have a beer."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on December 07, 2016, 09:07:49 AM
What cheese is made backwards?
 
Spoiler: show
Edam
     

Why did the cheese look sane?
 
Spoiler: show
Because everything else on the plate is crackers.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Spoiler: show
Nacho cheese!


Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Spoiler: show
Moatzarella


What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?
Spoiler: show
Cheeses of Nazareth


Did you hear about the cheese that failed to win a medal at the Olympics?
Spoiler: show
It fell at the final curdle


Wow those were "Cheesy"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on December 07, 2016, 09:41:17 AM
What do you call a pig that does karate?

Spoiler: show
A pork chop
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Daley on December 07, 2016, 01:14:19 PM
A new driver by the name of Stan Towarder has just shown up for his first day of work driving buses for the New York City Department of Education, and he meets his new supervisor, a tiny slight of a woman with a shockingly gruff voice by the name of Makenzie MacDonald - but everyone there in the barn just calls her Big Mak.

Mak informs Stan that since he's new there, he's being assigned one of their less desirable routes in the Lower East Side that they can't seem to keep drivers for, which requires him picking children up on the now famous "Sesame Street" from the children's show in the Alphabet City neighborhood, and ending the run by dropping them off at PS 15 in the East Village. Stan, full of ambitious vigor, takes the challenge and starts driving.

At the first stop on Sesame Street among the small group of three children, a mother is standing with her son who helps him onto the bus. The mother sees that it's a new bus driver and introduces herself and her son. "Hello, I'm Mrs. Olivia Peculiar, and this is my son Ross. Ross has special needs, and he should be kept in a calm and quiet environment. Otherwise, he will get frightened, hide under your seat, and scream in terror. Please look after him."

Stan greets her with a smile and says, "No worries, Mrs. Peculiar, I'll take good care of Ross for you," and proceeds down the route.

On the second stop on Sesame Street, seven smaller kids get pushed out of the way by a rather rotund girl who shoves her way onto the bus first. Stan stops her and asks her to identify herself. "Patricia Falstaffian," she says, "but everyone calls me Patti!"

"Well Patti," Stan replies, "It's not nice to push other children."

Then Patti replies, "It's okay. My Mom says I have a 'thyroid condition' and that means I can't help it, so I should just be who I am." And she proceeds to bite Stan in the arm before running to the back of the bus and taking a seat, where she begins to yell, brag, and kick the seats for the rest of the trip on the bus. Ross Peculiar begins to rock in his seat and moan while hugging himself.

At the third stop on his route down Sesame Street, five more kids get on the bus, and one of them sits directly behind Stan. As the bus resumes its trip, the child sitting behind Stan takes his shoes and socks off and begins to pick at his feet and flick the debris at the back of poor Stan's head. As this kid starts doing this, Patti Falstaffian screams out during a chorus of children making grossed out noises, "Ew! Stop picking your bunions, Lester Snieze! That's gross!" However, Lester proceeds undeterred, picking at and flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. Meanwhile, Ross' eyes get bigger and his moaning gets louder as his rocking intensifies.

At the final pickup on his route down Sesame Street, Stan stops the bus for the last of the children he has been entrusted to transport. Among the gaggle of kids at this stop, a morbidly obese girl is standing hidden there behind the others, head down, quietly waiting for the other dozen or so kids to finish boarding. When she finally gets on, she barely squeezes through the door, in fact. Stan asks her her name as he tries to help pull her through and up the steps.

"It's Patty Voracity, mister," she says in a shy and quiet voice.

"It's good to meet you, Patty," responds Stan. He's tired, flapped, but he strives to be kind and helps her to a seat. However, after young Patty Voracity takes a seat, she becomes a lightning rod of attention to the other children. They scream and taunt her with Patti Falstaffian being the loudest, hiding in the back of the bus but starting a round of jeering chants of "Fatty Patty" with the other kids.

In the chaos of Patti leading the charge picking on Patty, Ross now darts under Stan's legs and starts to panic scream, all while Lester Snieze keeps flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. This continues all the rest of the way of the trip to The Roberto Clemente School on East 4th Street, where he finally gets all the children off the bus.

The trip was terrible, but the bus was finally silent. Stan bursts out in tears and sobs for a good five minutes in the driver's seat while the bus sits idling outside the front entrance of the old PS 15 building, certain that it was a divine miracle that he got them to school safely without wrecking the bus or exploding in rage. It became clear to poor Stan that the pay he was receiving simply wasn't enough to handle this route, but he determined that with enough money, he might be able to hang in there. After finally pulling himself together, he drives the bus back to the barn, gasses it up and parks it, still a little frazzled.

After finishing the paperwork he had to fill out due to the cacophony on the bus that morning, Stan approaches his supervisor's office and wearily knocks on her doorpost.

"What do you want, Towarder?" Mak barks out.

Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: mrcheese on December 07, 2016, 07:49:35 PM
What cheese is made backwards?
 
Spoiler: show
Edam
     

Why did the cheese look sane?
 
Spoiler: show
Because everything else on the plate is crackers.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Spoiler: show
Nacho cheese!


Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Spoiler: show
Moatzarella


What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?
Spoiler: show
Cheeses of Nazareth


Did you hear about the cheese that failed to win a medal at the Olympics?
Spoiler: show
It fell at the final curdle


Wow those were "Cheesy"

what sort of cheese do you use to disguise a stolen horse?
Spoiler: show
 Mascarpone
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sisto on December 08, 2016, 08:44:39 AM
A new driver by the name of Stan Towarder has just shown up for his first day of work driving buses for the New York City Department of Education, and he meets his new supervisor, a tiny slight of a woman with a shockingly gruff voice by the name of Makenzie MacDonald - but everyone there in the barn just calls her Big Mak.

Mak informs Stan that since he's new there, he's being assigned one of their less desirable routes in the Lower East Side that they can't seem to keep drivers for, which requires him picking children up on the now famous "Sesame Street" from the children's show in the Alphabet City neighborhood, and ending the run by dropping them off at PS 15 in the East Village. Stan, full of ambitious vigor, takes the challenge and starts driving.

At the first stop on Sesame Street among the small group of three children, a mother is standing with her son who helps him onto the bus. The mother sees that it's a new bus driver and introduces herself and her son. "Hello, I'm Mrs. Olivia Peculiar, and this is my son Ross. Ross has special needs, and he should be kept in a calm and quiet environment. Otherwise, he will get frightened, hide under your seat, and scream in terror. Please look after him."

Stan greets her with a smile and says, "No worries, Mrs. Peculiar, I'll take good care of Ross for you," and proceeds down the route.

On the second stop on Sesame Street, seven smaller kids get pushed out of the way by a rather rotund girl who shoves her way onto the bus first. Stan stops her and asks her to identify herself. "Patricia Falstaffian," she says, "but everyone calls me Patti!"

"Well Patti," Stan replies, "It's not nice to push other children."

Then Patti replies, "It's okay. My Mom says I have a 'thyroid condition' and that means I can't help it, so I should just be who I am." And she proceeds to bite Stan in the arm before running to the back of the bus and taking a seat, where she begins to yell, brag, and kick the seats for the rest of the trip on the bus. Ross Peculiar begins to rock in his seat and moan while hugging himself.

At the third stop on his route down Sesame Street, five more kids get on the bus, and one of them sits directly behind Stan. As the bus resumes its trip, the child sitting behind Stan takes his shoes and socks off and begins to pick at his feet and flick the debris at the back of poor Stan's head. As this kid starts doing this, Patti Falstaffian screams out during a chorus of children making grossed out noises, "Ew! Stop picking your bunions, Lester Snieze! That's gross!" However, Lester proceeds undeterred, picking at and flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. Meanwhile, Ross' eyes get bigger and his moaning gets louder as his rocking intensifies.

At the final pickup on his route down Sesame Street, Stan stops the bus for the last of the children he has been entrusted to transport. Among the gaggle of kids at this stop, a morbidly obese girl is standing hidden there behind the others, head down, quietly waiting for the other dozen or so kids to finish boarding. When she finally gets on, she barely squeezes through the door, in fact. Stan asks her her name as he tries to help pull her through and up the steps.

"It's Patty Voracity, mister," she says in a shy and quiet voice.

"It's good to meet you, Patty," responds Stan. He's tired, flapped, but he strives to be kind and helps her to a seat. However, after young Patty Voracity takes a seat, she becomes a lightning rod of attention to the other children. They scream and taunt her with Patti Falstaffian being the loudest, hiding in the back of the bus but starting a round of jeering chants of "Fatty Patty" with the other kids.

In the chaos of Patti leading the charge picking on Patty, Ross now darts under Stan's legs and starts to panic scream, all while Lester Snieze keeps flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. This continues all the rest of the way of the trip to The Roberto Clemente School on East 4th Street, where he finally gets all the children off the bus.

The trip was terrible, but the bus was finally silent. Stan bursts out in tears and sobs for a good five minutes in the driver's seat while the bus sits idling outside the front entrance of the old PS 15 building, certain that it was a divine miracle that he got them to school safely without wrecking the bus or exploding in rage. It became clear to poor Stan that the pay he was receiving simply wasn't enough to handle this route, but he determined that with enough money, he might be able to hang in there. After finally pulling himself together, he drives the bus back to the barn, gasses it up and parks it, still a little frazzled.

After finishing the paperwork he had to fill out due to the cacophony on the bus that morning, Stan approaches his supervisor's office and wearily knocks on her doorpost.

"What do you want, Towarder?" Mak barks out.

Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."

I heard this same joke as a kid only a bit different. My aunt drove a school bus and told it to me. In the version I heard. It was the Sesame Street bus and the bus driver had to pick up:

The allby brothers (they were rather large)
Ross with special needs
Lester Hays (who was picking bunions)

Two allby fatties, special Ross, Lester Hays picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus.

This also reminded me of another similar joke.

A frog goes into a bank and tries to get a loan. The loan officer Patty Whack asks him if he has any collateral. The frog says all I have is this little frog statue. The loan officer tell him she needs to check with the bank manager. She proceeds to tell the bank manager that the frog wants a loan and all he has for collateral is the little frog statue and says she doesn't even know what it is. The bank manager replies:

It's a nic nac Patty Whack, give the frog a loan.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sisto on December 08, 2016, 08:50:07 AM
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dollar Slice on December 08, 2016, 02:19:23 PM
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

I can only assume that the reason it's set in Boston is so you have to do the "serve to bears in bars" part in a heavy Boston accent. :-) 
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on December 08, 2016, 02:39:21 PM
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: KMMK on December 08, 2016, 02:48:36 PM
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?

Barbiturate.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on December 08, 2016, 02:51:58 PM
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?

Barbiturate.

Ah. Thank you.

(I've always pronounced it bar-bi-chu-it, not like the word "ate", probably part of why it didn't click)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: KMMK on December 08, 2016, 03:36:44 PM
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?

Barbiturate.

Ah. Thank you.

(I've always pronounced it bar-bi-chu-it, not like the word "ate", probably part of why it didn't click)

Me too. I think that's how everyone says it. I had to check the spelling multiple times as it doesn't look at all like how it sounds in my head.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: meerkat on December 08, 2016, 05:22:34 PM
Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."

I don't get this one.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on December 08, 2016, 05:45:39 PM
How do fish get high?

Spoiler: show
Seaweed.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Daley on December 08, 2016, 06:17:07 PM
Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."

I don't get this one.

This will help (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UWq26V01po)....

...not the cringewoorthy quality of the punnery, mind you, but at least it'll make sense.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Cycling Stache on December 08, 2016, 06:25:46 PM
What goes ha ha thud?

A guy laughing his head off.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Cycling Stache on December 09, 2016, 04:52:18 AM
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

It ran out of juice.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Goldielocks on December 09, 2016, 10:02:49 AM
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

I can only assume that the reason it's set in Boston is so you have to do the "serve to bears in bars" part in a heavy Boston accent. :-)

I don't get it.  What about boston bruins?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: auntie_betty on December 10, 2016, 03:07:47 AM


A frog goes into a bank and tries to get a loan. The loan officer Patty Whack asks him if he has any collateral. The frog says all I have is this little frog statue. The loan officer tell him she needs to check with the bank manager. She proceeds to tell the bank manager that the frog wants a loan and all he has for collateral is the little frog statue and says she doesn't even know what it is. The bank manager replies:

It's a nic nac Patty Whack, give the frog a loan.

The version I heard the frog was called Kermit Jagger and the punch line was
It's a nic nac Patty Whack, give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on December 12, 2016, 04:02:27 PM
grammar:
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on December 12, 2016, 04:51:00 PM
LOL!!  I'm enjoying that grammar joke way too much.

Here are some more grammar jokes:

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.


Let's eat grandma!
Let's eat, grandma!
Use punctuation. Don't be a psycho!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on December 14, 2016, 04:46:42 PM
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Middlesbrough on December 15, 2016, 07:31:35 PM
Post
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on December 15, 2016, 08:20:47 PM
I made this one up for my nieces when they were little.



Why should you never play poker with a leopard ?

Spoiler: show
He might be a cheetah

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on December 23, 2016, 05:38:19 PM
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on December 23, 2016, 06:47:02 PM
What do you call a bee who is having a bad hair day?

Spoiler: show
a frisbee
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MauiNut on December 24, 2016, 04:51:14 AM
Q: What has three balls and flies through outer space?

A:  E.T. The Extra Testicle.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on December 24, 2016, 11:39:18 AM
I swallowed two strings and they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on December 28, 2016, 12:00:57 PM
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on January 04, 2017, 08:32:29 PM
I started a new band called 1023 Megabytes. We haven't gotten a Gig yet

Happy New Year!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on January 30, 2017, 10:59:49 AM
Reviving thread in search of more levity:

Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own?
Spoiler: show
Because it’s too tired!


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on January 30, 2017, 11:02:58 AM
Reviving thread in search of more levity:
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
Spoiler: show
He sold his soul to Santa.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: CowboyAndIndian on January 30, 2017, 12:08:35 PM
Reviving thread in search of more levity:
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you ++

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Spoiler: show
Aye Matey
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on January 30, 2017, 12:33:59 PM
I'll share one that one of my patients came up with (school age):

Why do adults tell such bad puns?
Spoiler: show
Because they're groan-ups!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: DoubleDown on January 30, 2017, 03:22:19 PM
Reviving thread in search of more levity:
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
Spoiler: show
He sold his soul to Santa.


That reminds me of the dyslexic agnostic, who wasn't sure if there was a Dog.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on January 30, 2017, 03:24:33 PM
Great idea Glenstache!

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Spoiler: show
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on January 31, 2017, 04:34:58 PM
Because XKCD is my happy place:
(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flowcharts.png)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: SuperMex on February 01, 2017, 02:01:39 AM
After returning from a 1 year deployment with no leave authorized I came up with the following two jokes.

What are two differences between military kids and civilian kids.

Civilian kids look like their father not the neighbor.

Civilian mothers are only pregnant for nine months not 10-20 months.


We were meet at an aircraft hanger by our spouses. One of my fellow NCOs' wife was holding a very young infant. He commented are you baby sitting? She said no I have been meaning to tell you we had a baby.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: marty998 on February 01, 2017, 04:31:41 AM
I walked into a jewellery shop but the owner was closing down for the day. She said she'd give me a ring when they're next open.

After returning from a 1 year deployment with no leave authorized I came up with the following two jokes.

What are two differences between military kids and civilian kids.

Civilian kids look like their father not the neighbor.

Civilian mothers are only pregnant for nine months not 10-20 months.


We were meet at an aircraft hanger by our spouses. One of my fellow NCOs' wife was holding a very young infant. He commented are you baby sitting? She said no I have been meaning to tell you we had a baby.

Did you tell him, or could you see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to do the maths?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: SuperMex on February 01, 2017, 04:46:44 AM
It was followed by a litany of cursing and I had to go intervene because I thought he was going to hit her.

In about a 15 minute time period one Soldier knocked his wife out, the baby surprise happened, and another wife showed up with a 7-8 month belly and a suit case to give her husband along with his 3-4 year old son.

I spent the next 2-3 hours finding a place for some to live, pulling cash out of my account for diapers and formula, and finding the 1SG of the Soldier that knocked out his wife so he could sign him out of the MP station.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on February 01, 2017, 05:29:08 AM
It was followed by a litany of cursing and I had to go intervene because I thought he was going to hit her.

In about a 15 minute time period one Soldier knocked his wife out, the baby surprise happened, and another wife showed up with a 7-8 month belly and a suit case to give her husband along with his 3-4 year old son.

I spent the next 2-3 hours finding a place for some to live, pulling cash out of my account for diapers and formula, and finding the 1SG of the Soldier that knocked out his wife so he could sign him out of the MP station.
holy crap.... that's not funny!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on February 01, 2017, 08:40:45 AM
Wow. Well... uh, back to the funny things!

I found this delightfully stupid joke on facebook:
(https://pics.onsizzle.com/vlad-the-impaler-discovers-marshmallows-well-these-are-fucking-great-13121172.png)
From @Jake Likes Onions https://www.instagram.com/p/BP0GS85hkAt/?taken-by=jakelikesonions (https://www.instagram.com/p/BP0GS85hkAt/?taken-by=jakelikesonions)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: PhilB on February 01, 2017, 10:05:56 AM
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ass?

Spoiler: show
Warren
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MichaelB on February 01, 2017, 10:06:38 AM
Saw this one a while back on Facebook:

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Spoiler: show
Gloves! Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Smokystache on February 01, 2017, 10:14:36 AM
Did you hear about the world's worst zoo?

It only has one animal - a dog.

Spoiler: show
It's a shih tzu
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: acroy on February 10, 2017, 08:49:44 AM
Ramblings from a retired mind:

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble....
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on February 10, 2017, 10:58:44 AM
Ramblings from a retired mind:

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble....

Love this acroy! 
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Drew0311 on February 16, 2017, 04:22:21 PM
Has anyone heard about those new corduroy pillows?!

They're making headlines!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on February 19, 2017, 04:41:52 AM
Did you hear about the French reporter who tried to save some drowning kittens?  His headline said, "Un, Deux, Trois, Cat Sank."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: kissthesky on February 19, 2017, 09:46:02 AM
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

Spoiler: show
Dam.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on February 19, 2017, 10:09:28 AM
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Spoiler: show
Eclipse it!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on February 20, 2017, 05:55:02 PM
How do you know when the moon is going broke?
Spoiler: show
When it's down to its last quarter.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on March 03, 2017, 06:27:22 PM
Economist!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on March 03, 2017, 06:46:53 PM
Economist!
Ha! Some would say dismal.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mikila on March 03, 2017, 06:53:43 PM
What do you get when your cow jumps the fence?

Udder destruction.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: cheddarpie on March 03, 2017, 06:58:48 PM
Why did the pear go out with the prune?

Because it couldn't get a date!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on March 04, 2017, 11:32:37 AM
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

Spoiler: show
I can clearly see your nuts!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Zaga on March 05, 2017, 07:44:02 AM
So Thor, the god of thunder, likes the mortal ladies and often spends the night in bed with a pretty barmaid.  One morning, as he wakes up next to a young mortal, he thinks to himself that it would be polite to introduce himself.

He rolls over and says "Hi, I'm Thor!"

"You're thore?  I can hardly walk!" she lisps.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Zaga on March 05, 2017, 03:53:02 PM
What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging near a window?

Curt and Rod.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on March 06, 2017, 09:30:59 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question...?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on March 08, 2017, 11:34:35 AM
(http://img1.izismile.com/img/img6/20131011/640/silly_puns_that_are_so_awful_theyre_actually_pretty_funny_640_15.jpg)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on March 08, 2017, 05:41:59 PM
What do you call homicidal cheerios ?

Spoiler: show
cereal killers

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Lookilu on March 08, 2017, 07:12:10 PM
Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Vindicated on March 09, 2017, 10:09:07 AM
What's my plan for the next three years?

I don't know.  I don't have 2020 vision!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on March 10, 2017, 06:14:12 AM
Did you hear about the President of South Korea? They say she lost her Seoul.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on March 14, 2017, 09:49:10 AM
Yesterday was national Penis Day in Japan.

It was also national Penis Day in Israel but they had to cut it short.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Zaga on March 14, 2017, 04:07:07 PM
List of words containing meow:

meow
meows
meowing
meowed
homeowner
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on March 14, 2017, 04:20:03 PM
What is E.T. short for?



Because he has such stubby little legs.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: mrcheese on March 14, 2017, 11:50:23 PM
what do you call a snake that is 3.14159 feet long?
Spoiler: show
a pi-thon
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on March 15, 2017, 06:55:22 AM
what do you call a snake that is 3.14159 feet long?
Spoiler: show
a pi-thon

I see you just barely got this in on pi day :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on March 15, 2017, 09:11:11 PM
A friend of mine baked pies on Pi day but didn't realize it was Pi day until eleven o'clock at night! 
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on March 16, 2017, 08:28:27 AM
Enjoy:

 '‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.' —Demetri Martin

 
• Q: What has four legs and one arm?

A: A happy pit bull.

 
• 'Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.' —Jimmy Carr

 
• Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

 
• “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.” —Mitch Hedberg

 
• Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?

A: Nothing.

 
• “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” —Steven Wright
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on March 16, 2017, 09:09:34 AM

 
• “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” —Steven Wright

If it jams, force it. And if it breaks, it needed replacing anyways.

    -There is always a big enough hammer.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on March 16, 2017, 10:13:28 AM
A friend of mine baked pies on Pi day but didn't realize it was Pi day until eleven o'clock at night!
If they baked two pies, then they made it full circle!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on March 17, 2017, 05:44:53 PM
A friend of mine baked pies on Pi day but didn't realize it was Pi day until eleven o'clock at night!
If they baked two pies, then they made it full circle!

LOL!

Very true.  :)

****

Nothing wrong with second place...
the second mouse gets the cheese after all.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on March 28, 2017, 09:18:41 AM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Vindicated on March 28, 2017, 10:17:59 AM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Nice!

That reminds me of this one.

Do trees poop?  Of course they do!  They're called #2 pencils for a reason.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Goldielocks on March 29, 2017, 02:31:58 PM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

GROAN!   
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on March 29, 2017, 02:38:56 PM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

GROAN!
In this particular case, I hope he didn't show his work.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on March 30, 2017, 10:27:05 AM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

GROAN!
In this particular case, I hope he didn't show his work.

I just hope there wasn't a remainder....
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on March 30, 2017, 03:04:20 PM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

GROAN!
In this particular case, I hope he didn't show his work.

I just hope there wasn't a remainder....

No remainder, just a challenging logarithm.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Daley on March 30, 2017, 03:19:16 PM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

GROAN!
In this particular case, I hope he didn't show his work.

I just hope there wasn't a remainder....

No remainder, just a challenging logarithm.

At least it wasn't worked out in longhand?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on March 30, 2017, 03:46:24 PM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

GROAN!
In this particular case, I hope he didn't show his work.

I just hope there wasn't a remainder....

No remainder, just a challenging logarithm.

At least it wasn't worked out in longhand?

I hear the whole started with spending too long working out Pi.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on April 03, 2017, 12:23:05 PM
Here is one you can tell Mustachians who take frugality to far.

What is the difference between you and a canoe ?

Spoiler: show
A canoe tips

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: DoubleDown on April 03, 2017, 12:49:25 PM
Don't bother applying for any positions at Apple. There's no more Jobs.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on April 03, 2017, 12:57:19 PM
I'd tell a joke about a broken pencil, but there's no point.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Inaya on April 04, 2017, 08:04:13 AM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his britches, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender eyeballs him, and says 'You've got a wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
THANK YOU! I could not remember the joke for this punchline, and it's been bugging me for years.


Here's a groaner actually created by an AI (http://lewisandquark.tumblr.com/post/159132506927/in-which-a-neural-network-learns-to-tell)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alec
Alec who?
Alec- Knock Knock jokes.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MrDelane on April 04, 2017, 08:19:17 AM
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mississippi Mudstache on April 04, 2017, 08:49:58 AM
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: SweetLife on April 04, 2017, 11:51:00 AM
Just read this thread from start to finish .... laughed out loud more than once ... scratched my head more than once at random black lines lol... I wish I had a funny for you :( keep them coming!!!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on April 04, 2017, 11:52:52 AM
Just read this thread from start to finish .... laughed out loud more than once ... scratched my head more than once at random black lines lol... I wish I had a funny for you :( keep them coming!!!
If you scroll your cursor over the blackouts, you can see the
Spoiler: show
punchline
.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Goldielocks on April 05, 2017, 11:54:27 PM
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

Ack.  took me a second, but I got the joke.   Now I can't "un-get" it.   groan.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on April 07, 2017, 09:51:35 PM
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

Spoiler: show
He had no body to go with him!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on April 08, 2017, 03:28:25 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He laid awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on April 08, 2017, 11:49:45 PM
My doctor gave me two months to live.

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30 years.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on April 10, 2017, 06:51:31 AM
My doctor gave me two months to live.

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30 years.

Okay that's pretty dark humor but I like it!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on April 15, 2017, 07:34:43 AM
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on April 15, 2017, 08:05:22 AM
What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler: show
A stick.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on April 15, 2017, 02:38:06 PM
I was trying to think of a good philosophy joke, but I Kant.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on April 16, 2017, 10:12:42 AM
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of it's paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on April 17, 2017, 01:03:33 PM
Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped from jail? There is a small medium at large.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MichaelB on April 17, 2017, 02:25:33 PM
From Monty Python:

How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

Spoiler: show
It's fucking close to water
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on April 17, 2017, 11:15:58 PM
From Monty Python:

How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

Spoiler: show
It's fucking close to water


Love Monty Python.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on April 19, 2017, 04:35:31 PM
Why do economists give 10 year forecasts down to a tenth of one percent?

Spoiler: show
to show they have a sense of humor
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on April 20, 2017, 03:08:34 PM
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Raenia on April 25, 2017, 09:22:46 AM
Love this thread, really made my morning.

How do you make a horse stop at stop signs?

Spoiler: show
With a halter.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on April 25, 2017, 09:41:25 AM
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

The superconductor left without resistance.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Car Jack on April 26, 2017, 11:40:27 AM
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on April 28, 2017, 01:14:31 PM
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

Spoiler: show
DHMO is also known as H2O or water

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: The Guru on May 01, 2017, 07:06:10 PM
What do you get when you cut a bra in half?

Two yarmulkes with chin straps.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on May 01, 2017, 07:57:14 PM
(https://i1080.photobucket.com/albums/j330/hotdoginparadise/18157286_1342407715875003_5697991793660735543_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on May 03, 2017, 01:09:53 PM
#Purity
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on May 10, 2017, 08:38:15 PM
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong, but I don't judge.

Whatever floats your goat.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on May 18, 2017, 09:09:55 PM
What do you say to a naked man?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I used to think you were crazy but  now I can see your nuts!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on May 30, 2017, 02:59:13 PM
I always used to be afraid of gardening but recently I decided to grow a pear.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kriegsspiel on June 03, 2017, 05:12:06 PM
How do you determine if someone is a ticklish man?

Test tickles.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on June 03, 2017, 08:19:51 PM
How do you determine if someone is a ticklish man?

Test tickles.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten tickles.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on June 08, 2017, 01:49:38 PM
I had a really good joke about amnesia that I was going to tell you . . . but I forgot it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: caffeine on June 08, 2017, 02:05:28 PM
Where do fish keep their money at?

Spoiler: show
The river bank :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on June 08, 2017, 05:36:28 PM
Where do fish keep their money at?

The river bank :)

If Salmon have annual runs, why don't trout?

Spoiler: show
because trout don't have legs, dummy, they can't run.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: rocketpj on June 10, 2017, 11:02:08 AM
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

Spoiler: show
DHMO is also known as H2O or water


My grandfather spent his last day on Earth, in his literal death bed, getting everyone he could to sign his petition against dihydrogen monoxide.  Doctors, nurses, family members. 

It was awesome.  I miss him.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on June 14, 2017, 03:55:33 PM
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

Spoiler: show
DHMO is also known as H2O or water


My grandfather spent his last day on Earth, in his literal death bed, getting everyone he could to sign his petition against dihydrogen monoxide.  Doctors, nurses, family members. 

It was awesome.  I miss him.

I feel like this thread is the perfect place for us to take a moment of silence. That's a high level of dedication to Stupid Jokes =) Sounds like a neat person.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on June 16, 2017, 07:39:50 AM
It has often been said that male cows don't defecate.

Spoiler: show
But, THAT is clearly bull shit.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Alim Nassor on June 20, 2017, 11:24:29 PM
Did you hear about the baby boy that was born with no eyelids?   The doctors used tissue from his circumcision to correct it.  But now, he's a little cock-eyed.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nouveauRiche on June 21, 2017, 10:24:12 AM
Why did the muddy chicken cross the road and then go back?

Spoiler: show
He was a dirty double-crosser.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on June 22, 2017, 12:26:14 PM
How is taking a General's BP (Blood Pressure) like War Games?

Spoiler: show
They're both testing his armies.


ETA: clarified.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on June 22, 2017, 12:40:18 PM
Didn't get this one... what is a general's bp?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dollar Slice on June 22, 2017, 12:47:07 PM
Didn't get this one... what is a general's bp?

Blood pressure.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: dreadmoose on June 22, 2017, 05:20:26 PM
A couple of gentlemen are golfing on a course near a cemetery.

After they tee off, one of the golfers notices a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart.

When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''That was beautiful, why did you do that?''

The man replies, ''Well, we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on June 29, 2017, 07:02:55 AM
I went to eBay once to buy a new lighter, buy they only had 12,479 matches...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Vindicated on June 29, 2017, 07:10:01 AM
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Spoiler: show
Nice Belt!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Spork on June 30, 2017, 07:57:38 PM
What do you call someone that always states the obvious?

Spoiler: show
Someone that always states the obvious.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dollar Slice on June 30, 2017, 09:26:50 PM
What do you call someone that always states the obvious?

Spoiler: show
Someone that always states the obvious.


Does that person happen to hold the rank of Captain? I think I've heard of them.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: farfromfire on July 01, 2017, 06:27:34 AM
Where does the King keep his armies?

In his sleevies.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on July 01, 2017, 05:19:27 PM
What is the internal body temperature of a Tauntaun?


Spoiler: show
Luke-warm
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Melisande on July 05, 2017, 07:41:47 PM
So, if the Florida keys have their own endangered subspecies of deer - Key Deer (look it up), does this mean they have Key Lyme Disease too?

Sorry, bad one, I know!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: meerkat on July 06, 2017, 05:24:27 AM
So, if the Florida keys have their own endangered subspecies of deer - Key Deer (look it up), does this mean they have Key Lyme Disease too?

Sorry, bad one, I know!

That sounds delicious. Now I want pie. (Key deer (http://s.newsweek.com/sites/www.newsweek.com/files/styles/embed-lg/public/2016/10/20/key-deer.JPG), if anyone was curious.)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: megaschnauzer on July 06, 2017, 09:44:45 AM
So, if the Florida keys have their own endangered subspecies of deer - Key Deer (look it up), does this mean they have Key Lyme Disease too?

Sorry, bad one, I know!

coconuts supposedly help with key lyme disease. if you mix the lyme with the coconut it makes you feel better.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on July 06, 2017, 11:38:29 AM
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/4e/d2/a8/4ed2a86c3c25c8887609c769c1135cba.jpg)
(http://www.fishgoth.com/fishgoth/images/cartoons/cartoon_lime.gif)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: fuzzy math on July 09, 2017, 04:34:12 PM
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on July 09, 2017, 04:38:24 PM
What's black and white and black and white and green?

Two zebras fighting over a pickle.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Footsore Rambler on July 09, 2017, 04:55:15 PM
In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60, and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70, and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those, my friends, are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on July 09, 2017, 05:40:15 PM
In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60, and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70, and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those, my friends, are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

I want to memorize that whole thing, just to tell a long, rambling joke with the worst payoff ever.

Love it!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Footsore Rambler on July 09, 2017, 06:25:58 PM
I'm pretty sure I know some with even worse payoffs, if I think about it :)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on July 09, 2017, 08:05:44 PM
I want to memorize that whole thing, just to tell a long, rambling joke with the worst payoff ever.

Do you know about Hugh, and his ongoing and repetitive quest to prevent the monks of the Dominican monastery from neglecting their godly duties to pursue flower arranging? 

I'll save you the three minutes of setup and offer you the punchline:  only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Footsore Rambler on July 09, 2017, 08:50:32 PM
Q: Why does Irish Bean Soup only have 239 beans in it?
A:  Because one more would be too farty (240).
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on July 10, 2017, 04:37:58 AM
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
dunno....  what time do I go to the dentist?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on July 10, 2017, 09:06:02 AM
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
dunno....  what time do I go to the dentist?

The answer is there, you just have to highlight the empty space below. It's white on white. The text, not the answer to the joke.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on July 12, 2017, 04:34:45 AM
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
dunno....  what time do I go to the dentist?

The answer is there, you just have to highlight the empty space below. It's white on white. The text, not the answer to the joke.
whoops.  Got it.  Thanks.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Inaya on July 12, 2017, 07:58:23 AM
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

Spoiler: show

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Spork on July 12, 2017, 08:48:35 AM
In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60, and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70, and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those, my friends, are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

I want to memorize that whole thing, just to tell a long, rambling joke with the worst payoff ever.

Love it!

My dad would approve of your desire.  He would tell 5-10 minute stories that ended with his entire audience groaning.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on September 19, 2017, 05:25:28 AM
Q:  Why do we turn the clocks back one hour every fall for daylight savings time?

Spoiler: show
A:  Because if we only turned them forward each spring, daylight hours would get really screwed up.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on September 19, 2017, 08:33:38 AM
Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc, I have a horrible Twitter addiction." Doc says, "Sorry, I'm not following you."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on September 19, 2017, 09:32:02 AM
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

Spoiler: show
The plot thickens.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FindingFI on September 21, 2017, 05:25:38 AM
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and because of his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

So you could say he was a
Spoiler: show
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: WhiteTrashCash on September 21, 2017, 06:27:04 AM
Why were the homeowners angry with the contractor hired to replace their kitchen countertops? They felt like they were being taken for granite.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on September 21, 2017, 09:15:50 AM
"Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space. "

Terrible joke. 3 stars.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: zolotiyeruki on September 23, 2017, 07:29:29 AM
What did the guy name his dog that had no legs?

Cigarette.  Because every morning he'd take him out for a drag.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on October 13, 2017, 07:02:20 PM
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that shit is just a coincidence.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Frankies Girl on October 13, 2017, 07:17:05 PM
Happy Friday the 13th!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 14, 2017, 08:44:41 AM
Did you hear about the superstitious dyslexic? 

He we so scared he wouldn't leave his house on Friday the 31st!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: teddyjimbo on October 14, 2017, 04:55:33 PM
Sorry going to digress to a "yo momma is...." joke, sorry if its too low brow.

Yo momma is so fat she played pool with the planets..........

I am a boy in a mans body...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 14, 2017, 06:29:01 PM
Sorry going to digress to a "yo momma is...." joke, sorry if its too low brow.

...well, the name of the thread *is* tell me your stupid jokes.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Blindsquirrel on October 19, 2017, 06:50:42 PM
 Yo momma so easy they called it a jumpoline before she got on one.

yo momma so fat she uses a boomerang to put on her belt.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on October 23, 2017, 12:10:52 PM
This made me giggle from SMBC:
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on October 23, 2017, 12:56:07 PM
Today’s Stock Market Report
 Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
 Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
 Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
 Hiking equipment was trailing.
 Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
 Weights were up in heavy trading.
 Light switches were off.
 Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
 Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
 The market for raisins dried up.
 Coca Cola fizzled.
 Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
 Sun peaked at midday.
 Balloon prices were inflated.
 Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
 Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Goldielocks on October 23, 2017, 02:26:48 PM
Scott tissue touched a new bottom!!   HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on October 23, 2017, 02:29:53 PM
Stick it PHB
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bicycle_B on October 23, 2017, 02:35:23 PM
Today’s Stock Market Report


That was hilarious.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 23, 2017, 06:45:01 PM
Today’s Stock Market Report
 Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
 Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
 Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
 Hiking equipment was trailing.
 Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
 Weights were up in heavy trading.
 Light switches were off.
 Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
 Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
 The market for raisins dried up.
 Coca Cola fizzled.
 Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
 Sun peaked at midday.
 Balloon prices were inflated.
 Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
 Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
and the local brothel was busted for insider trading.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 24, 2017, 05:01:06 PM
Why do lobsters live only in salt water?
Spoiler: show

Pepper water makes them sneeze.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on October 25, 2017, 07:20:54 PM
Lincoln is making a new car for senior citizens. It's called the Incontinental.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mrbeardedbigbucks on October 31, 2017, 05:00:47 PM
What do Donald Trump and a jack-o-lantern have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out when proven to be rotten.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 31, 2017, 05:34:21 PM
The wedding was a very emotional affair.
Spoiler: show
Even the cake was in tiers
.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on November 06, 2017, 09:55:47 AM
What do you call a woman who has had kids and processes oysters for a living ?

Spoiler: show
A mother shucker


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: meghan88 on November 06, 2017, 11:04:32 AM
A woman goes to see a plastic surgeon about getting a face lift.

The surgeon explains to her that a new technique is available.  It's called the "knob", and it involves the installation of a tiny ratcheted knob at the back of the head, within the hairline.  He tells her that over the years if she felt things were sagging, all she'd have to do is just give the knob a little twist, and her features would tighten up once again.

Years go by and all is well.  The woman continues to twist the knob every so often until one day, she decides she needs to see the surgeon.

She makes an appointment and complains to the surgeon about the recent appearance of bags under her eyes.

The surgeon looks her over, and says "Madam, those aren't bags.  Those are your breasts!"

"Oh", she said, thoughtfully.  "Then ... that would explain the goatee."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on November 11, 2017, 01:01:12 PM
Why does a duck have tail feathers?


To cover its buttquack.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: meghan88 on November 11, 2017, 05:02:41 PM
So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed.  It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows.  The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!"  etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find.  The hours pass.  The debris and passengers have started to sink.  The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice.  No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

Spoiler: show
"OK ... I give up.  What did you do with the fucking ship??"


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: scottnews on November 11, 2017, 07:05:54 PM
Did you hear about the streaker in church?

They caught him by the organ.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: zolotiyeruki on November 11, 2017, 09:59:13 PM
Blame my dad for this one:

There's a small-time undertaker who decided he needed to improve his business, so he took out an ad in the local paper, advertising that every deceased would be dressed in a tuxedo for the funeral.  Being a small business owner, he only had a single tuxedo with which to dress the dearly departed, but this was no big deal--he simply removed the tuxedo from the dead body after each funeral and got it cleaned before the next service.

Business immediately picked up, and the undertaker suddenly found himself booked with three funerals back-to-back, with only 15 minutes in between to usher one group out and the next group in.  Before the first service that day, the undertaker approached his assistant: "There's not much time between services, so you'll need to be quick to change the tuxedo from one corpse to the next."  "No problem," replied the assistant.

As it turned out, the minister at the first service was a bit long-winded, and the final benediction concluded a mere five minutes before the next service was to begin.  The undertaker worriedly glanced at the side door as his assistant rushed in and wheeled the coffin out.  Not two minutes later, the assistant returned, the next body neatly dressed in the tuxedo.  Astonished at the assistant's efficiency, the undertaker spent the next fifty seven minutes trying to figure out how the assistant managed such a feat.

I say fifty-seven minutes, because that's how long the second preacher droned on for.  When the preacher finally finished, the undertaker hurriedly ushered out the second group of mourners while his assistant dashed in and wheeled the gurney away.  The usher nervously explained to the (third) crowd that the service would be unavoidably delayed by a few minutes, when to his shock the assistant returned, dapper cadaver in tow, less than thirty seconds after leaving the room.  Fearing some mistake, the undertaker double checked the body, but sure enough, it was the right one.

Throughout the service, the undertaker again sat puzzling away, trying in vain to discern how his assistant could possibly undress one corpse and dress another in thirty seconds.  At the end of the service, the undertaker walked up to his assistant, handed him a $100 bill, and said "You just saved my reputation!  That was amazing!  How on earth did you do it?"

His assistant shrugged his shoulders and replied,
Spoiler: show
"Gee boss, it was easy.  I just switched the heads!"


(Backstory: My dad ran for student body president in high school.  His campaign speech was the above joke, followed by "I promise that if you elect me, I won't lose my head."  He won.)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: EMMoneY on November 15, 2017, 07:07:27 PM
Did you hear the latest huge merger?

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

They're calling it Youtwitface.

Back when myspace was still around it was a merger between myspace, facebook, youtube and twitter.  Called Myfaceyoutwit.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bicycle_B on November 15, 2017, 09:56:03 PM
So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed.  It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows.  The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!"  etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find.  The hours pass.  The debris and passengers have started to sink.  The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice.  No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

Spoiler: show
"OK ... I give up.  What did you do with the fucking ship??"


LMAO.  This is my new favorite joke.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on November 21, 2017, 02:03:12 PM
Baseball makes no sense...
man with four balls cannot walk.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Boll weevil on November 21, 2017, 04:19:45 PM
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Take the "s" out of "safe" and the "f" out of "way"

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on November 21, 2017, 06:42:26 PM
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Take the "s" out of "safe" and the "f" out of "way"

hint, for the rest of you: 
the correct response is "there's no 'f' in way"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dr. Hasslein: Russian Bot Commander on November 22, 2017, 11:51:49 AM
Why didn't the beach life guard save the hippie?

He was too far out maaaan
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 22, 2017, 12:19:26 PM
They are now training mice to be Lifeguards. Their first class is in mouse to mouse resuscitation.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on November 22, 2017, 12:41:17 PM
Thanksgiving Day Jokes

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No. They’re dead.”


Teacher: What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
 Student: I’m thankful I’m not a turkey.


Why did the turkey cross the road?
 
Spoiler: show
It was the chicken’s day off.



Who’s never hungry on Thanksgiving?
 
Spoiler: show
The turkey. He’s always stuffed.



What kind of key has two legs and can’t open doors?
Spoiler: show
 A tur-key
.


Sheila: I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them.
Tom: What are you serving instead?
Sheila: Squash.


It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.

“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”


It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

“Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”

“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there’s only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

“That’s one is too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them!”


Why was the monster tickled when he ate the turkey?
 
Spoiler: show
He forgot to pluck the feathers.



What do you get if you cross a turkey with an evil spirit?
Spoiler: show
 A poultry-geist.



What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?
 
Spoiler: show
Dessert.



If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
 
Spoiler: show
Pilgrims.


Why should you never talk like a turkey?
Spoiler: show
 Because it’s bad to use fowl language.


What should does a space turkey make?
Spoiler: show
“Hubble, hubble, hubble.”


What is a pilgrim’s favorite kind of music?
Spoiler: show
 Plymouth Rock.


What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
Spoiler: show
“Quack, quack, quack.”


What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
Spoiler: show
 Take him out for pizza and ice cream.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: PhilB on November 23, 2017, 04:49:55 AM
Did you hear the latest huge merger?

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

They're calling it Youtwitface.

Back when myspace was still around it was a merger between myspace, facebook, youtube and twitter.  Called Myfaceyoutwit.
The best variant of this has to be the one from the wonderful Shappi Khorsandi.  To set the scene, she's an Anglo-Iranian comedian, very pretty and very innocent looking:

"My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Anon in Alaska on November 23, 2017, 05:04:12 AM
What did the day care director say to the cannibal?

Spoiler: show
"Is that for here or to go, sir?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Kitsunegari on November 24, 2017, 08:33:36 AM
How can you tell if a politician is lying?

Spoiler: show
They move their lips.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: BookLoverL on November 25, 2017, 05:14:36 PM
A man is flying a hot air balloon, and finds he's drifted somewhere far away from any landmarks he recognises. He's completely lost.

He sees a man standing on the ground below, so he shouts down, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground shouts back, "You're in a hot air balloon!"

The man in the balloon says, "You must be a mathematician, because your answer's completely accurate, but completely useless!"

The man on the ground says, "You must be a manager, because you've got the same problem as before, but now it's my fault!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on November 26, 2017, 07:09:08 AM
A man is flying a hot air balloon, and finds he's drifted somewhere far away from any landmarks he recognises. He's completely lost.

He sees a man standing on the ground below, so he shouts down, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground shouts back, "You're in a hot air balloon!"

The man in the balloon says, "You must be a mathematician, because your answer's completely accurate, but completely useless!"

The man on the ground says, "You must be a manager, because you've got the same problem as before, but now it's my fault!"
Heard this before but with “lawyer” substituted for “mathematician”...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: DeepEllumStache on November 26, 2017, 09:42:30 AM
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," he says. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. "That's the problem — I make a mistake and then spend six hours trying to find it."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: iva on November 26, 2017, 10:04:47 AM
The Thunder God went for a ride
upon his favorite filly.
I'M THOR!, he cried,
his horse replied,
You forgot your thaddle, thilly.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on November 26, 2017, 12:25:08 PM
A bunch of people were sitting around trying to decide what kind of engineer God is to have designed the human body.

One said: "Well obviously he's an electrical engineer.  Look at how electrical impulses control so much like the heart for example."

Another said: "No he's a mechanical engineer.  Look at how the joints and bones and muscles work so perfectly together."

Last one said: "No he's a civil engineer.  Who else would put a waste disposal system right through a recreational area."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: arebelspy on November 27, 2017, 09:11:43 AM
Pro tip: If you're tired of boiling water for pasta,
Spoiler: show
just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze them for later.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on November 27, 2017, 09:33:20 AM
#forget
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on November 28, 2017, 06:46:06 AM
Pro tip: If you're tired of boiling water for pasta,
Spoiler: show
just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze them for later.


Now THAT'S thinking outside the box. Nice.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: chaskavitch on November 28, 2017, 06:47:34 AM
This was my sister's favorite joke when she was like 6 and discovering humor for the first time.  Mostly I'm posting to follow :)

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?!?"


Oh, and my favorite dad joke:

You know when you see a "V" of geese and it's always longer on one side than the other?  There's a scientific explanation for that.  Do you know what it is?

There are more geese on that side.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on November 28, 2017, 11:34:55 AM
You know what they say about a man with big feet ...

Big Feet
Spoiler: show
Big Shoes

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on November 28, 2017, 11:38:58 AM
The Thunder God went for a ride
upon his favorite filly.
I'M THOR!, he cried,
his horse replied,
You forgot your thaddle, thilly.

+1
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on December 01, 2017, 09:07:08 PM
Orion's belt is a waist of space.


That's a terrible joke! Only three stars!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on December 02, 2017, 07:56:32 AM
Orion's belt is a waist of space.


That's a terrible joke! Only three stars!

Agreed.  It is cosmically bad.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on December 02, 2017, 08:37:03 AM
 I'd tell you a joke about space, but... its too, out of this world!

What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
Spoiler: show
 The space bar.


 Where would an astronaut park his space ship?
 
Spoiler: show
A parking meteor!


 What time do astronauts eat?
 
Spoiler: show
At launch time.


 What was the first animal in space?
 
Spoiler: show
The cow that jumped over the moon.


 What did the alien say to the cat?
 
Spoiler: show
Take me to your litter.


 Why did the astronaut retire?
 
Spoiler: show
He got spaced out!


 What do you call a fruit that goes into space?
Spoiler: show
 A coco-naut


 What is an astronauts favorite chocolate?
Spoiler: show
 A marsbar!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on December 02, 2017, 12:32:36 PM
One night Sherlock Holmes and Watson were out camping and as they were lying on their backs in their sleeping bags, looking up at the stars, Holmes said:
"Tell me Watson, what can you conclude from looking up at all those stars?"
Watson said, "Well, considering that all those stars are suns like our sun and since each one of them must have planets orbiting around them just like our solar system, surely amongst all of that there has to be life on other planets.  Is that what you conclude, Holmes?"
"No Watson.  I conclude that someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on December 02, 2017, 01:36:12 PM
Alternatives

What do you call a fruit that goes into space?
Spoiler: show
a star fruit


What is an astronauts favorite chocolate?
Spoiler: show
a Milky Way bar

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on December 17, 2017, 04:33:51 PM
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: soccerluvof4 on December 19, 2017, 03:36:37 AM
How did the mouse get out of the elephants stomach?

He ran around and ran around till he was all pooped out!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on December 19, 2017, 02:26:06 PM
Why don't I trust trees?
Spoiler: show
They seem kind of shady


Variation on the theme:
Why don't I trust stairs?
Spoiler: show
They always seem to be up to something.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on December 21, 2017, 11:23:50 AM
Which is the dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

...Comet...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on December 21, 2017, 12:12:16 PM
(https://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/25354077_10154982827751891_8596577174763855439_n.jpg?oh=5be54ecdec6c293547502381dc7dcfe7&oe=5AC61D8F)

This is wrong on so many levels.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on December 21, 2017, 08:44:38 PM
These may already appear in this thread, but my four year old knows three jokes:

1.  what do you call a three humped camel?  (pregnant)

2.  What you call an alligator wearing a vest?  (an investigator)

3.  What you call an elephant that doesn't matter?  (an irrelephant)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nora on December 22, 2017, 02:45:57 AM
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
It wanted to get to the bottom.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nora on December 22, 2017, 02:46:36 AM
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling very well.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on December 31, 2017, 10:48:32 AM
A man ran up to me and screamed "I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam! I''m a tepee, I'm a wigwam!"  I told him to relax, he's two tents.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Rollin on January 02, 2018, 02:04:09 PM
Where do bees pee?

At the BP station.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on January 02, 2018, 04:06:38 PM
Did you hear the one about the disappointed fashionable cowboy?

He didn’t like wearing his own brand.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on January 03, 2018, 07:07:49 AM
What do friends and trees have in common?

Spoiler: show
They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: WhiteTrashCash on January 03, 2018, 12:36:04 PM
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

Spoiler: show
A: A carrot
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on January 03, 2018, 02:51:41 PM
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/10/f3/b9/10f3b9cf8da49556341dec8584676c30--your-name-funny-birds.jpg)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on January 11, 2018, 02:38:40 PM
I just that there's a band called Dunning Kruger Effect (DKE). I bet they aren't as good as they think they are.
https://www.facebook.com/Dunning-Kruger-Effect-127567257432771/
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on January 24, 2018, 11:14:17 AM
Who does the operation in a fish hospital?

Spoiler: show
The head sturgeon

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Caroline PF on February 01, 2018, 08:05:28 PM
(This joke must be told when driving or walking past a cemetery)

Hey, did you hear the crazy rule about this cemetery? Apparently, if you live within 10 miles of here, you can't be buried here.

(people usually respond, "What? Really? Why?")


Because you don't bury the living!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mac_MacGyver on February 02, 2018, 06:36:39 PM
So I was going into work today and I saw a bird eating avocado toast, I think it was a millennial falcon.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on February 02, 2018, 11:41:25 PM
From tonight's family movie night:

My friend said he knows a man with a wooden leg, named Smith.  So I asked him "What's the name of his other leg?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on February 14, 2018, 11:12:59 AM
Stupid Valentine's Day Jokes

Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
Spoiler: show
He'll dessert you.


How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's day?
Spoiler: show
He gave her a ring.


What did the cat say on Valentine's day?
Spoiler: show
You're purrr-fect for me.


Why is Valentine's Day a great day for a party?
Spoiler: show
Because you party hearty


What's the most romantic part of a fork?
Spoiler: show
It's Valentines.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Secret Stache on February 23, 2018, 07:03:52 AM
What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

.
.
.
.
.
Outlaws are wanted
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: megaschnauzer on February 23, 2018, 07:13:41 AM
i hope elon musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ELONGATE seems like it would be really drawn out.
(from facebook)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on March 01, 2018, 02:36:28 PM
i hope elon musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ELONGATE seems like it would be really drawn out.
(from facebook)
That joke was a bit of a stretch.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on March 01, 2018, 06:58:35 PM
(http://78.media.tumblr.com/1e8e5c3d57e9e2a6f452f62441af052c/tumblr_nobfmhF9Ti1qfvq9bo1_1280.jpg)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: TheWifeHalf on March 01, 2018, 08:48:32 PM
• Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?

A: Nothing.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MissNancyPryor on March 03, 2018, 04:51:16 PM
sad trombone
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on March 03, 2018, 05:42:18 PM
From NextDoor (someone's trying to add variety to the missing pets and whines about speeders):

Quote
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on March 06, 2018, 01:53:54 PM
I was going to share a time traveling joke.

But none of you liked it...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on March 06, 2018, 01:58:09 PM
I was going to share a time traveling joke.

But none of you liked it...
I wish you could go back in time...
and prevent your future self from ever telling it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on March 08, 2018, 01:01:54 PM
Why is it called boob sweat instead of humidititties?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on March 10, 2018, 02:21:29 PM
I was feeling selfish and lonely, so I bought some shares and now I have some company.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: JoJo on March 14, 2018, 06:24:27 PM
A guy was on a business trip and he ended up at a bar and got very, very drunk.   When he woke up in the hotel room the morning, he discovered his wallet was gone.  He couldn't remember the name of the bar but remembered the walls were gold.  Even the inside of the bathroom and toilet were gold.  So he starts calling every bar in the yellow pages asking "are your walls gold?"

Finally he gets a bartender on the line:
guy: I lost my wallet last night are the walls of the bar gold?
bartender: yes
guy: and the bathroom & toilet too?
bartender: (puts down the phone and yells):  Steve, I think I know who pooped in your saxophone last night.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dollar Slice on March 14, 2018, 06:36:26 PM
A guy was on a business trip and he ended up at a bar and got very, very drunk.   When he woke up in the hotel room the morning, he discovered his wallet was gone.  He couldn't remember the name of the bar but remembered the walls were gold.  Even the inside of the bathroom and toilet were gold.  So he starts calling every bar in the yellow pages asking "are your walls gold?"

Finally he gets a bartender on the line:
guy: I lost my wallet last night are the walls of the bar gold?
bartender: yes
guy: and the bathroom & toilet too?
bartender: (puts down the phone and yells):  Steve, I think I know who pooped in your saxophone last night.

I originally heard this joke with "tuba" instead of "saxophone," which I think is a lot more believable. Unless it was a contrabass saxophone, but someone playing one of those in a bar might be even less believable than someone managing to balance on the bell of a normal-sized saxophone while drunk...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on March 16, 2018, 09:36:33 AM
(https://www.predictableprofits.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/iStock_000019216809XSmall-80x65.jpg)
Happy St. Patty's Day


Q: Who was St. Patrick’s favorite super hero?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green Lantern.


Q: What did St. Patrick order to drink at the Chinese restaurant?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green tea.


Q: Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
Spoiler: show
 A: You don’t want to press your luck.


Q: Why can’t Irish golfers ever end a game?
Spoiler: show
 A: They refuse to leave the green.


Q: What type of bow can’t a leprechaun tie?
Spoiler: show
 A: A rainbow.


Q: Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re really into green living.


Q: What do you get when you cross four leaf clovers with poison ivy?
Spoiler: show
 A: A big rash of good luck


Q: What did the Irish potato say to his sweetheart?
 
Spoiler: show
A: I only have eyes for you


Q: Why are so many leprechauns gardeners?
Spoiler: show
 A: They have green thumbs!


Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: Real rocks are too heavy to wear!


Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re always a little short.


Q: Who was St. Patrick’s favorite super hero?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green Lantern.


Q: What did St. Patrick order to drink at the Chinese restaurant?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green tea.


Q: Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
Spoiler: show
 A: You don’t want to press your luck.


Q: Why can’t Irish golfers ever end a game?
Spoiler: show
 A: They refuse to leave the green.


Q: What type of bow can’t a leprechaun tie?
Spoiler: show
 A: A rainbow.


Q: Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re really into green living.


Q: What do you get when you cross four leaf clovers with poison ivy?
Spoiler: show
 A: A big rash of good luck


Q: What did the Irish potato say to his sweetheart?
Spoiler: show
 A: I only have eyes for you


Q: Why are so many leprechauns gardeners?
Spoiler: show
 A: They have green thumbs!


Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: Real rocks are too heavy to wear!


Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re always a little short.


Q: Why did the leprechaun go outside?
Spoiler: show
 A: To sit on his paddy-o


Q: What musical instrument do show-off musicians play on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: They play on their brag-pipes.


Q: What musical instrument do show-off musicians play on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: They play on their brag-pipes.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Cycling Stache on March 16, 2018, 10:05:13 AM
Why did Sally fall off the swing?

[Why?]

Sally has no arms.

Knock, knock.

[Who's there?]

Not Sally.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on March 16, 2018, 10:44:52 AM
I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on March 16, 2018, 10:10:49 PM
George Washington: We should put "We Trust in God" on our money.
Thomas Jefferson: Great idea. Write that down!
Yoda: No problem.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on March 17, 2018, 11:38:46 AM
An engineer, a social worker and an economist get stuck on a desert island.  They find crates and crates of food but no can-opener.

The engineer gets to work designing and building an ingenious contraption to open the cans using a complex assembly rocks and rope and pulleys. It takes two days to build and there's constant tinkering involved to keep it working but each can opens as cleanly as with a store-bought can opener

The social worker smashes each can with a small rock.  About half the contents gets splattered on the sand, but the social workers says "hey, we've got plenty, the important thing is we get some food out quickly"

The economist sits down and says "ok, let's just assume that there WAS a can opener..."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: 2Cent on March 19, 2018, 07:12:34 AM
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spanjard and a German are sitting in a theatre. Before the show starts the lead actress asks "Can you see me here?"
Yes.
Oui.
Si.
Ja.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on April 09, 2018, 04:18:53 PM
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on April 09, 2018, 05:52:32 PM
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7d/d4/be/7dd4be32c3fbef4c82723a7e0863cdd1.jpg?epik=0ty_8E_IWn6dx)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on April 09, 2018, 06:00:50 PM
Financial_Velo*ci*Raptor

(http://rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/gentleman-dino-riding-a-bike-27226-1680x1050.jpg)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on April 09, 2018, 06:41:39 PM
ZOMG.  Approve and approve.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dr. Hasslein: Russian Bot Commander on April 13, 2018, 12:22:00 PM
I invested my entire 'stash in a boomerang factory the other day.

Expecting some great returns on investment
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on April 13, 2018, 12:24:54 PM
Did you see the movie about constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on April 16, 2018, 06:34:38 PM
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down".
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on April 18, 2018, 11:57:52 AM
This beauty popped up in @snacky 's journal.

HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick cat up and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that are coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides a "Power wash" and "Rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: zolotiyeruki on April 18, 2018, 01:14:10 PM
This beauty popped up in @snacky 's journal.

HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick cat up and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that are coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides a "Power wash" and "Rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog
I have to wonder if anyone has actually tried this, and how it turned out...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on May 02, 2018, 07:59:15 PM
I bought a dog from a blacksmith.  I could tell it was a blacksmith's dog because as soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on May 03, 2018, 04:22:44 AM
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on May 04, 2018, 01:00:52 PM
(https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/random-ideas-02-Star-Wars-sl.jpg)

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files?
Spoiler: show
Adobe Wan Kenobi


Which website did Chewbacca get arrested for creating?
Spoiler: show
Wookieleaks


Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?
Spoiler: show
To get to the Dark Side.


Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Spoiler: show
Because he has a green thumb.


Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”



Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on May 05, 2018, 10:02:40 AM
Who led the Israelite's through the semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on May 05, 2018, 10:21:07 AM
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RetiredAt63 on May 05, 2018, 11:24:11 AM
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

Good one!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on May 05, 2018, 01:16:54 PM
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

You could cross post this to the grammar nazi thread!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on May 05, 2018, 05:26:29 PM
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

Oooooh this is a really excellent one.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on May 06, 2018, 10:25:13 AM
You guys are moving on to bugs, and I’m still laughing about, “Use the forks, Luke.”

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on May 06, 2018, 10:27:39 AM
Luke asks Yoda, “Why is 5 afraid of 6 seven?” [corrected - my bad...]

Yoda answers, “Because 6 7 8.”

(Hint:  You have to use your Yoda voice.)

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on May 06, 2018, 10:35:15 AM
Luke asks Yoda, “Why is 5 afraid of 6?”

Yoda answers, “Because 6 7 8.”

(Hint:  You have to use your Yoda voice.)

Shouldn't this be "Why is 5 afraid of 7"?  Otherwise, 5 is afraid of 6 because 6 has been eaten. 

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on May 06, 2018, 01:08:44 PM
Luke asks Yoda, “Why is 5 afraid of 6?”

Yoda answers, “Because 6 7 8.”

(Hint:  You have to use your Yoda voice.)

Shouldn't this be "Why is 5 afraid of 7"?  Otherwise, 5 is afraid of 6 because 6 has been eaten.
Use your Yoda voice, you must.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on May 06, 2018, 02:10:28 PM
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "7 ate 6", and so 7 is the one you should fear.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on May 06, 2018, 02:11:01 PM
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on May 06, 2018, 02:14:58 PM
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."

Right. Now take Yoda's sentence "because six seven eight, he did." and put it into normal English.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on May 06, 2018, 02:17:43 PM
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."

not missing it.  Using Yoda's syntax, "6, 7 8" means "seven ate six."  Six got eaten.  But the joke loses its impact if you say "7, 6 8" because it's not numerically ordered.

Have we killed this one yet?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on May 06, 2018, 02:18:17 PM
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."

Right. Now take Yoda's sentence "because six seven eight, he did." and put it into normal English.
Exactly.  The yoda part is what changes up the joke.  Normally it's something like "why is 6 afraid of 7 -- because 7 - 8- 9".

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on May 06, 2018, 02:19:14 PM

Have we killed this one yet?
Totally.  jokes lose their humor when they require a discussion -- stupid jokes even more-so.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MDM on May 06, 2018, 02:25:06 PM
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."
Depends whether one assumes Yoda's speech pattern is object-subject-verb or subject-object-verb.  At least one "reference" describes the way Yoda famously speaks, ordering his sentences object-subject-verb, or OSV (https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2015/12/hmmmmm/420798/).
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dabnasty on May 06, 2018, 04:37:45 PM
try it this way "Because Luke spaghetti ate"

I'm not seeing it.

"Because spaghetti Luke ate" seems much more Yoda like.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on May 06, 2018, 04:53:36 PM
Q: How many Mustachians does it take to overthink a joke?

A; Let me finish counting and I'll get back to you.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dabnasty on May 06, 2018, 08:54:38 PM
Q: How many Mustachians does it take to overthink a joke?

A; Let me finish counting and I'll get back to you.

Just one. I wasted more time pondering Yoda speak tonight than I'd like to admit, all by myself. But the more the merrier.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on May 07, 2018, 02:41:14 AM
I screwed it up.  Let's try this again...

(Let the face punches commence.)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dabnasty on May 07, 2018, 06:12:37 AM
I screwed it up.  Let's try this again...

(Let the face punches commence.)

Much better, especially with Yoda's face in the last frame.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on May 07, 2018, 06:28:26 AM
Sometimes real life is funnier than any stupid joke:

Man steals car to get to court to face stolen car charge. (http://www.courant.com/breaking-news/hc-br-hartford-stolen-car-to-court-0308-story.html)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dollar Slice on May 08, 2018, 10:40:20 AM
What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror?

Halloumi!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Loren Ver on June 05, 2018, 03:50:16 PM

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Accuracy is important!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MissNancyPryor on June 05, 2018, 06:11:47 PM
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on June 06, 2018, 05:05:47 AM
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on June 06, 2018, 07:49:43 AM
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on June 06, 2018, 09:55:14 AM
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?
I think he was just poking out of the house for a quick bite.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: erutio on June 06, 2018, 02:28:14 PM
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Should have slugged the tortoise when it had the chance.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on June 06, 2018, 03:13:06 PM
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Should have slugged the tortoise when it had the chance.

I don't know if we can trust the snails version of events.  He seems like a slimey fellow...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on June 06, 2018, 03:46:25 PM
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Should have slugged the tortoise when it had the chance.

I don't know if we can trust the snails version of events.  He seems like a slimey fellow...

He'll probably be more careful next slime.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: e34bb098 on June 06, 2018, 03:57:18 PM
A man was discovered in a laundromat attempting to have "intimate relations" with one of the machines.

The police were called, but as soon as they arrived, the man took off and escaped.

The next day, the newspaper headline said ...

Spoiler: show
NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on June 06, 2018, 04:37:03 PM
A man was discovered in a laundromat attempting to have "intimate relations" with one of the machines.

The police were called, but as soon as they arrived, the man took off and escaped.

The next day, the newspaper headline said ...

Spoiler: show
NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS


He made a clean get away!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on June 06, 2018, 06:10:52 PM
He made a clean get away!

The other newspapers must have a dryer sense of humour....
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on June 06, 2018, 06:32:48 PM
A National Guard officer stole an M577 and drove it down the highway today.  The police questioned him, but he wouldn't TOC.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: zolotiyeruki on June 06, 2018, 07:55:01 PM
What does TOC stand for?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dabnasty on June 06, 2018, 08:37:14 PM
What does TOC stand for?

Tactical Operations Center
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on June 07, 2018, 05:21:23 AM
What does TOC stand for?

Tactical Operations Center

Everyone laughs at military humor.  Of course - they could call in an air strike on your home if you don't... but I'm sure that's just a coincidence.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on June 12, 2018, 11:39:18 PM
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?


Spoiler: show
Attire
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on June 12, 2018, 11:40:55 PM
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school:

Spoiler: show
Bison
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: radram on June 12, 2018, 11:41:46 PM
I wanted to tell a joke about Leeches........ But it sucked.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on June 13, 2018, 08:53:52 AM
I wanted to tell a joke about Leeches........ But it sucked.
I had a similar one about a blowfish...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on June 13, 2018, 09:01:15 AM
I wanted to tell a joke about Leeches........ But it sucked.
I had a similar one about a blowfish...
Huh. My joke about surgeons really had people in stitches.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on June 13, 2018, 09:25:35 AM
I doubt any of you have those jokes... it just seems too fishy....
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: FIRE@50 on June 13, 2018, 09:31:54 AM
My driver's ed teacher used to say that he called quizzes quizzicals and then asked if anyone had a new name for tests.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: CindyBS on June 14, 2018, 10:48:37 AM
What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?



Kids won't eat broccoli.


Why won't the letters S and H talk?


Everyone says SSSSHHHHH when they see them.



Those are both good kids jokes.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Feral Car Rescue on June 15, 2018, 11:29:07 PM
Why can't your head be 12" long?

Because then it would be a foot.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Penn42 on June 16, 2018, 06:45:17 AM
What has 9 arms and sucks?

Spoiler: show
Def Leopard


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on June 17, 2018, 03:09:14 AM
What has 9 arms and sucks?

Spoiler: show
Def Leopard


Booooooooooooooooooo!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Feral Car Rescue on June 17, 2018, 08:34:07 PM
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is this stool taken?"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on June 18, 2018, 07:53:09 AM
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on June 29, 2018, 11:21:49 AM
What do you call a dog that works in an ice cream shop ?

Spoiler: show
Scoopy Doo



Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on June 29, 2018, 12:19:32 PM
You don't need a parachute to go sky diving.  You need a parachute to go sky diving twice.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on June 29, 2018, 12:30:32 PM
You don't need a parachute to go sky diving.  You need a parachute to go sky diving twice.
Similar to: 
Q: "Is this plant edible?"
A: "Everything's edible the first time..."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on July 03, 2018, 05:31:16 PM
Why do bees have sticky hair ?

Spoiler: show
Because they use honey combs


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on July 03, 2018, 05:40:16 PM
Why do bees have sticky hair ?

Spoiler: show
Because they use honey combs


Reminds me of a very stupid rhyme my dad always tells:

"I eat my peas with honey,
I've done so all my life.
It makes them taste real funny,
But it keeps them on my knife!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mon€yp€nny on July 06, 2018, 03:07:55 PM
A turtle, a rabbit and a cheetah are sitting in a pub. 'I'm so bored', the cheetah says. 'Me too' says the rabbit. The turtle replies 'I'm also bored but you know what, I live next door, shall I fetch a deck of cards at home so we can play cards?' The rabbit and the cheetah think that is a great idea and the turtle goes home.

An hour later, he is still not back. 'Looks like he is not coming back', says the rabbit. 'He probably passed out on the couch, let's go home too', says the Cheetah. As they stand up, they hear from behind the door 'Don't you dare!!! I  just managed to cross the doorstep for you two!'


Why did the dumb blonde take a fork with her in the car?
To cut corners.

How can you see a dumb blonde used a computer?
Wite out on the screen



Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Radiowave on July 08, 2018, 07:11:40 PM
A baby seal walks into a club...
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on July 15, 2018, 08:16:38 AM
~ stole this from someones signature line in a different forum.


If you get attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Raymond Reddington on July 15, 2018, 11:45:39 AM
-The NSA is the only part of government that actually listens to the people.

-The grass is greener on the other side because it's been fertilized with bullshit

-You know Apple is run by men when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.

-A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out." So he asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" "According to the picture on the box, a tiger," she answers. So he goes over to help. After about 5 seconds, he turns to her and says, "Honey, I have bad news. No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." Her eyes get puffy, and she is about to cry. He continues, "So honey, don't get upset, I'm gonna make you a nice cup of tea. And then...we're gonna put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

-A blonde goes to the doctor and he asks what's wrong with her. "Oh, help! I've broken every bone in my body!" she says. "How do you know?" the doctor replies. "Well," she goes on, "It hurts whenever I touch anypart of my body." She touches her arm, "Ow!" Touches her leg, "Oh God!" Touches her wrist, and looks like she's about to cry, and then she touches her foot, and even her jaw. She is literally on the verge of tears. "See, doc?" she finally asks. He thinks for a minute, "OK let's get you X-rayed." She smiles, and agrees that would be a good idea. After her X-ray, she has to wait a few minutes for the results. The doctor and the radiologist are talking loudly outside in the hallway, almost to the point of yelling, but she can't hear what they're saying. Then the doctor comes back in. "Well, I've got good news and bad news," he says. She look at him, "OK." "The good news is you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is you're broken your finger."

-I rear ended a car this morning. A bad start to the day. The driver got out of the car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's how the fight started.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Raymond Reddington on July 15, 2018, 10:35:23 PM
Confucius say: Man Who Fart In Church Sit In Own Pew
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on July 16, 2018, 03:26:33 AM
Confucius say: Baseball makes no sense - man with four balls cannot walk.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on July 16, 2018, 07:01:36 PM
Rugby is a game played by men with odd shaped balls.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: birdman2003 on August 14, 2018, 06:16:06 AM
I wasn't close to my dad when he died . . . which is good because he stepped on a land mine
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on August 14, 2018, 10:50:19 AM
Scientists finally figure out how trees communicate.
Spoiler: show
They bark.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Mon€yp€nny on August 19, 2018, 04:58:27 PM
Two skeletons are getting ready for a night out.
'Why on earth do you want to take your tombstone with you?'
 'They might ask for my ID!'

I wish I could translate a lot of Dutch jokes to English but so many don't make any sense.

Wife complains to her husband 'I wish I could get bigger breasts'. 'I know the solution to that', he says, 'just rub some toilet paper between them three times a day.' Surprised, she replies: 'How would that work??!'. 'I don't know', says her husband, 'but it sure worked for your butt.'

(Hope that one didn't offend anyone)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Simple Dad on August 20, 2018, 12:19:03 PM
Bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a.........................beer."

Bartender says  "What's with the big pause?"

Bear "I am a bear!"


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Simple Dad on August 20, 2018, 12:21:22 PM
What do you call a cow with now legs?                                                        Ground Beef


What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?                                   Sparky
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: rocketpj on September 01, 2018, 11:24:10 PM
Why don't oysters make good friends?

Because they are shellfish.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on September 02, 2018, 09:50:45 AM
Back to school humour

Q: What school supply is always tired?
Spoiler: show
A knapsack!

Q: What’s the difference between a teacher and a steam train?
Spoiler: show
A teacher says, “Spit out that gum” a steam train says, “Chew chew!”

Q: What is white when it’s dirty and black when its clean?
Spoiler: show
A blackboard!


Kid: I think we need a new teacher.
Mom: Why is that?
Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers.

Mom: What did you learn today?
Kid: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.

Teacher: You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.
Pupil: But these are the only feet I’ve got!

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t”.
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: geekette on September 05, 2018, 09:56:23 PM
I hired a landscape gardener.  He said he couldn’t help me because my garden was portrait.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: megaschnauzer on September 07, 2018, 01:18:53 PM
I hired a landscape gardener.  He said he couldn’t help me because my garden was portrait.

that took me a minute.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dabnasty on September 07, 2018, 01:26:46 PM
I hired a landscape gardener.  He said he couldn’t help me because my garden was portrait.

You should have pushed him over.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on September 07, 2018, 02:07:32 PM
Why did the gardener quit?
 
Spoiler: show
Because his celery wasn't high enough.
 
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on September 07, 2018, 02:08:35 PM
Why didn't anyone laugh at the gardener's jokes?
Spoiler: show
 Because they were too corney. 
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on September 09, 2018, 06:29:39 PM
What do you call female coriander ?


Spoiler: show
she-lantro


Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nessness on September 11, 2018, 11:03:04 AM
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on September 11, 2018, 12:12:08 PM
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Spoiler: show
A: 11 T-H-E  A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on September 11, 2018, 12:17:30 PM
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Spoiler: show
A: 11 T-H-E  A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T


I only count 7.
:-P
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on September 12, 2018, 06:13:17 AM
There...are...four....lights !!!!!


Make it so.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on September 12, 2018, 07:43:02 AM
There...are...four....lights !!!!!


Make it so.


I read about that four lights thing....
http://www.dailysquat.com/donald-trump-tells-supporters-see-five-lights/ (http://www.dailysquat.com/donald-trump-tells-supporters-see-five-lights/)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on September 14, 2018, 08:19:57 AM
How do you know God isn't a civil engineer?

Because he ran a raw sewage line through a recreational area.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: BTDretire on September 14, 2018, 09:30:27 AM
Two guys, (little people, once called midgets) decided to go out drinking. They got pretty drunk and decided they would get a couple of hookers and have some fun. They find the hookers go to a motel and get adjoining rooms.
  One of the guys tries to perform but has just had to much to drink and can't make it work, he sends the hooker home. But he listens to what is going on in the next room and hears 1, 2, ughh,    1, 2, ughh,   1, 2, ughh,   
1, 2, ughh,  1, 2, ughh,   1, 2, ughh. and then falls asleep.
 The next morning they meet and the second guy asks, how was your night, first guy says oh, it was bad, I was to drunk and just couldn't perform. I sent my girl home early, but I heard a lot going on in your room, must of been good!
Second guy gave him a look and says, are you kidding, I couldn't even get up onto the bed!

Thanks to Norm Macdonald
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Radagast on September 18, 2018, 11:42:44 PM
I decided to call my toilet a "Jim" instead of a "John". That way it sounds better when I tell people I use it every morning.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on September 19, 2018, 01:28:02 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on September 19, 2018, 01:45:17 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I don't know. What?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on September 19, 2018, 01:53:00 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I don't know. What?

The joke IS the punchline.  But I liked this response I got on facebook: "A Mobius Quip".
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on September 19, 2018, 01:56:01 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I don't know. What?

The joke IS the punchline.  But I liked this response I got on facebook: "A Mobius Quip".

Yeah, I got it. It's pretty funny, too. I was trying to play into it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on September 19, 2018, 02:55:15 PM
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
Spoiler: show
To get to the SAME side
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on September 19, 2018, 08:51:42 PM
I've got a joke about Social Security...




Spoiler: show
You won't get it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: profnot on September 23, 2018, 04:30:50 PM
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: profnot on September 23, 2018, 04:32:07 PM
I just hate those little Russian nesting dolls.

They are so full of themselves.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: profnot on September 23, 2018, 04:33:12 PM
Research has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer....




than men who mention it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on September 30, 2018, 11:32:46 AM
A man shows up at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.  The widow agrees. He walks up to the assembled group and says "plethora."  The widow looks at him and says "Thanks. That means a lot."
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: The Guru on October 01, 2018, 08:06:58 PM
I wondered "why does that baseball keep getting bigger and bigger?" Then it hit me.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on October 01, 2018, 11:28:39 PM
I was fired from the calendar factory.




I took off a few days.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: accolay on October 02, 2018, 01:52:19 PM
Why should you never tell secrets in a garden?

Spoiler: show
The potatoes have eyes, the corn have ears and the bean stalk
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Radagast on October 02, 2018, 10:13:39 PM
What do you do if you hate Volkswagen?

Put all your money in Vanguard Short-Term Tax-Exempt Fund Admiral Shares (VWSUX)

*leaves room*
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MrSal on October 11, 2018, 08:17:47 PM
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 12, 2018, 07:43:56 AM
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RetiredAt63 on October 12, 2018, 08:08:16 AM
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

Or a dock?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on October 12, 2018, 08:19:48 AM
Quote
Or a dock?
(https://rollingharbour.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/cherokee-long-dock-abaco-bahamas-larry-towning-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Dabnasty on October 12, 2018, 08:40:34 AM
Goodness. That's a long dock.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RetiredAt63 on October 12, 2018, 10:10:53 AM
Quote
Or a dock?
(https://rollingharbour.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/cherokee-long-dock-abaco-bahamas-larry-towning-1.jpg)
Oh that looks lovely. And warm.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: MrSal on October 12, 2018, 11:03:08 AM
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

:D

Heres another:

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."



----------


A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'.
He rings the bell & tells him the dog can be viewed in the garden.
The man sees a Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The dog replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up & says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies & world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was the top spie for 9 years, But I got really tired & I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings & was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies & now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed & goes back into the house & asks the owner how much for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a compulsive liar He's never left the garden!"

--------------------


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on October 17, 2018, 11:55:15 AM
How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its little brooms!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Brother Esau on October 17, 2018, 02:23:24 PM
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 17, 2018, 06:00:55 PM
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.

Man who runs behind bus --- gets exhausted.
:-P
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Caroline PF on October 17, 2018, 07:23:12 PM
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.

Man who runs behind bus --- gets exhausted.
:-P

Man who runs in front of bus --- gets tired.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 18, 2018, 05:44:58 AM
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.

Guy goes and sees a shrink, tells him: Doc you gotta help me, every night I have these crazy dreams.  First I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam again.

Doctor looks at him and says:
Spoiler: show
Calm down, it's ok!  You're just two tents. [say it out load]
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on October 18, 2018, 06:47:21 AM
A penguin takes his car to the mechanic.  He has to leave it with him for a few hours for diagnostics.  So he decides to take a walk.  The penguin soon discovers it is very hot outside and decides to stop at an ice cream parlor for a big bowl of vanilla.  The penguin tears into his bowl of vanilla.  Since he has flippers instead of hands, he makes quite a mess of himself with vanilla ice cream running down his face and chest.

The penguin returns to the car shop and the mechanic comes out.  Penguin asks the mechanic "What's the damage?"  The mechanic says, "It looks like you've gone and blown a seal."  The penguin says, "No! No! No!  It's just ice cream!!!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Archiis on October 30, 2018, 03:48:31 AM
I know a very old joke about a blonde "The question is - why does a blonde get caught when lightning flashes? The answer  - is she thinks that she is being photographed" And the victory "for the dumbest joke" comes to me = D
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on October 30, 2018, 05:40:20 AM
And the victory "for the dumbest joke" comes to me = D

13 pages of stupid jokes and you think this is the dumbest?  common!! 
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: DeepEllumStache on October 30, 2018, 09:54:37 AM
What is a ghost’s favorite corporate finance metric?

E-Boo-DA
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on November 05, 2018, 06:09:39 PM
I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.  It was mother fucking gold.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Koogie on November 06, 2018, 06:31:41 AM
Stole this from a signature in a different forum.

"Dad always believed laughter was the best medicine.   That's why most of the family died from tuberculosis"



Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on November 18, 2018, 05:29:18 PM
What is the difference between dogs and cats?

Spoiler: show
Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: frugalnacho on November 24, 2018, 11:38:37 AM
Stole this from a signature in a different forum.

"Dad always believed laughter was the best medicine.   That's why most of the family died from tuberculosis"

I think that is a deep thought by Jack Handey.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Brother Esau on November 26, 2018, 10:07:26 AM
At the psychiatric hospital:

Nurse goes back to the doctor's office and says "doc, there is a man out front who swears he is invisible".

Doctor says to the nurse "tell him we can't see him today".
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Brother Esau on November 26, 2018, 11:29:27 AM
A Mexican magician says that he will make himself disappear on the count of tres.

Uno...

Dos...

*poof* he was gone without a trace
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: fantabulous on November 26, 2018, 02:11:52 PM
Why do trans folks become invisible when they have kids?

Because they're transparent.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Bracken_Joy on November 26, 2018, 04:46:52 PM
Just saw this one on a TED talk. Neuroscientist with tourette's syndrome. She asked, "Do you know why I became a neurobiologist? Because I wanted to figure out what makes me tick"

(a "tic" is the involuntary movement that people with tourette's have).
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: yakamashii on November 27, 2018, 04:09:23 AM
Christmas joke:

Why did the third wise man cancel his trip to go see Jesus?

Spoiler: show
He had an emyrrhgency.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: davisgang90 on November 27, 2018, 04:21:09 AM
Why do Air Force officers dip their socks in kerosene?

To keep the ants off their candy-asses.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: OurTown on December 06, 2018, 01:12:41 PM
Do you know who composed the music to the Lord of the Rings?


Rohan Sebastian Bach.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on December 07, 2018, 09:28:29 AM
Why do Air Force officers dip their socks in kerosene?

To keep the ants off their candy-asses.

ok, i still don't get this...  explain, anyone?
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: sol on December 07, 2018, 10:10:31 AM
Why do Air Force officers dip their socks in kerosene?

To keep the ants off their candy-asses.

ok, i still don't get this...  explain, anyone?

They're just taking the piss.  Everyone makes fun of the Air Force.  https://www.google.com/search?q=candy+ass
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Samuel on December 07, 2018, 10:21:24 AM
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on December 28, 2018, 06:32:02 AM
What do mermaids use to wash their tails?

Spoiler: show
Tide
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: caffeine on December 28, 2018, 08:16:55 AM
Where do fish keep their money?

Spoiler: show
The Riverbank
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on December 28, 2018, 11:37:26 AM
What does a fish say when he bangs his head on a wall?

Spoiler: show
Dam
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: The Guru on January 10, 2019, 07:53:11 AM
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?

Toucan do it fairly easily.



How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one- but it has to WANT to change.



How many bodybuilders does it take to change a light bulb?

Two- one to screw in the bulb and one to stand nearby yelling "YEAH!...COME ON!.....IT'S ALL YOU!....I'M NOT HELPING!!'
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: nereo on January 10, 2019, 08:30:17 AM
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler: show
Two - once they figure how to get inside the bulb
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RetiredAt63 on January 10, 2019, 08:35:17 AM
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler: show
Two - once they figure how to get inside the bulb


Oooo, biologist joke, biologist joke!!!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: techwiz on January 10, 2019, 09:57:08 AM
Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
Spoiler: show
A: The nucleus


 Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
Spoiler: show
 A: Pull down its genes!


Q. What does DNA stand for?
Spoiler: show
 A. National Dyslexics Association


Q: What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
Spoiler: show
 A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Glenstache on January 10, 2019, 10:25:20 AM
In honor of the ____ journal titles, I present:

Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Spoiler: show
Because he's a little shellfish.


Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
Spoiler: show
To the prawn broker!

Which day do shrimp hate?
Spoiler: show
 Fry-day!


...and to close things out in true stupid joke fashion:
Why did the shrimp cross the road?
Spoiler: show
 To get to the other tide!




Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Stachey on January 10, 2019, 11:49:31 AM
How many curlers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four.
Two to do the actual work and two to stand around yelling, "HURRY!! HURRY HARD!!!!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: solon on January 10, 2019, 12:47:48 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler: show
Two - once they figure how to get inside the bulb


It's been a long time since I laughed out loud - thank you nereo!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: RetiredAt63 on January 10, 2019, 03:27:12 PM
How many curlers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four.
Two to do the actual work and two to stand around yelling, "HURRY!! HURRY HARD!!!!"

This was a LOL one too - of course it helps to be a curler to appreciate it.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Financial.Velociraptor on January 10, 2019, 04:32:46 PM
What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Travis on January 26, 2019, 10:23:31 PM
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler: show
It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.


How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler: show
Three: the first one screws, the second one takes a photo for Instagram, and the third one writes about it in his blog.

 
How much does a hipster weigh?

Spoiler: show
An instagram.

 
How do you drown a hipster?

Spoiler: show
Chuck 'em in the mainstream.


Why did the hipster commit suicide in a tributary?

Spoiler: show
It wasn't mainstream yet.


Why did the hipster drown himself in the ocean?

Spoiler: show
It's deep, you probably wouldn't understand it.


How did the hipster burn their mouth?

Spoiler: show
They drank their coffee before it was cool.

Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: soccerluvof4 on January 27, 2019, 04:17:56 AM
Why did the Snowman drop his pants?


He saw the snowblower coming!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: soccerluvof4 on January 28, 2019, 02:30:50 PM
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?


They were PRIMEmates!
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: BookLoverL on January 30, 2019, 04:45:16 AM
The headteacher called a meeting with a teacher that had Tourette's, to talk about an issue with her work.

"A lot of your students have been getting full marks on everything recently," the headteacher said. "Surely some of your students must be getting the answers wrong?"

"I can't help it!" said the teacher with Tourette's. "I just can't stop ticking!"
Title: Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
Post by: Taran Wanderer on February 02, 2019, 10:47:59 PM
Once you learn about confirmation bias...





...you start seeing it everywhere!