Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 103220 times)

Radagast

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #600 on: October 02, 2018, 10:13:39 PM »
What do you do if you hate Volkswagen?

Put all your money in Vanguard Short-Term Tax-Exempt Fund Admiral Shares (VWSUX)

*leaves room*

MrSal

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #601 on: October 11, 2018, 08:17:47 PM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #602 on: October 12, 2018, 07:43:56 AM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #603 on: October 12, 2018, 08:08:16 AM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

Or a dock?

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #604 on: October 12, 2018, 08:19:48 AM »
Quote
Or a dock?

Dabnasty

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #605 on: October 12, 2018, 08:40:34 AM »
Goodness. That's a long dock.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #606 on: October 12, 2018, 10:10:53 AM »
Quote
Or a dock?

Oh that looks lovely. And warm.

MrSal

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #607 on: October 12, 2018, 11:03:08 AM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

:D

Heres another:

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."



----------


A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'.
He rings the bell & tells him the dog can be viewed in the garden.
The man sees a Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The dog replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up & says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies & world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was the top spie for 9 years, But I got really tired & I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings & was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies & now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed & goes back into the house & asks the owner how much for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a compulsive liar He's never left the garden!"

--------------------


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 11:06:58 AM by MrSal »

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #608 on: October 17, 2018, 11:55:15 AM »
How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its little brooms!

Brother Esau

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #609 on: October 17, 2018, 02:23:24 PM »
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #610 on: October 17, 2018, 06:00:55 PM »
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.

Man who runs behind bus --- gets exhausted.
:-P

Caroline PF

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #611 on: October 17, 2018, 07:23:12 PM »
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.

Man who runs behind bus --- gets exhausted.
:-P

Man who runs in front of bus --- gets tired.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #612 on: October 18, 2018, 05:44:58 AM »
Had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.

Woke up this morning and I was exhausted.

Guy goes and sees a shrink, tells him: Doc you gotta help me, every night I have these crazy dreams.  First I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam again.

Doctor looks at him and says:
Spoiler: show
Calm down, it's ok!  You're just two tents. [say it out load]

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #613 on: October 18, 2018, 06:47:21 AM »
A penguin takes his car to the mechanic.  He has to leave it with him for a few hours for diagnostics.  So he decides to take a walk.  The penguin soon discovers it is very hot outside and decides to stop at an ice cream parlor for a big bowl of vanilla.  The penguin tears into his bowl of vanilla.  Since he has flippers instead of hands, he makes quite a mess of himself with vanilla ice cream running down his face and chest.

The penguin returns to the car shop and the mechanic comes out.  Penguin asks the mechanic "What's the damage?"  The mechanic says, "It looks like you've gone and blown a seal."  The penguin says, "No! No! No!  It's just ice cream!!!"

Archiis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #614 on: October 30, 2018, 03:48:31 AM »
I know a very old joke about a blonde "The question is - why does a blonde get caught when lightning flashes? The answer  - is she thinks that she is being photographed" And the victory "for the dumbest joke" comes to me = D

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #615 on: October 30, 2018, 05:40:20 AM »
And the victory "for the dumbest joke" comes to me = D

13 pages of stupid jokes and you think this is the dumbest?  common!! 

DeepEllumStache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #616 on: October 30, 2018, 09:54:37 AM »
What is a ghost’s favorite corporate finance metric?

E-Boo-DA

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #617 on: November 05, 2018, 06:09:39 PM »
I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.  It was mother fucking gold.

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #618 on: November 06, 2018, 06:31:41 AM »
Stole this from a signature in a different forum.

"Dad always believed laughter was the best medicine.   That's why most of the family died from tuberculosis"




nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #619 on: November 18, 2018, 05:29:18 PM »
What is the difference between dogs and cats?

Spoiler: show
Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.

frugalnacho

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #620 on: November 24, 2018, 11:38:37 AM »
Stole this from a signature in a different forum.

"Dad always believed laughter was the best medicine.   That's why most of the family died from tuberculosis"

I think that is a deep thought by Jack Handey.

Brother Esau

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #621 on: November 26, 2018, 10:07:26 AM »
At the psychiatric hospital:

Nurse goes back to the doctor's office and says "doc, there is a man out front who swears he is invisible".

Doctor says to the nurse "tell him we can't see him today".

Brother Esau

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #622 on: November 26, 2018, 11:29:27 AM »
A Mexican magician says that he will make himself disappear on the count of tres.

Uno...

Dos...

*poof* he was gone without a trace

fantabulous

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #623 on: November 26, 2018, 02:11:52 PM »
Why do trans folks become invisible when they have kids?

Because they're transparent.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #624 on: November 26, 2018, 04:46:52 PM »
Just saw this one on a TED talk. Neuroscientist with tourette's syndrome. She asked, "Do you know why I became a neurobiologist? Because I wanted to figure out what makes me tick"

(a "tic" is the involuntary movement that people with tourette's have).

yakamashii

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #625 on: November 27, 2018, 04:09:23 AM »
Christmas joke:

Why did the third wise man cancel his trip to go see Jesus?

Spoiler: show
He had an emyrrhgency.

davisgang90

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #626 on: November 27, 2018, 04:21:09 AM »
Why do Air Force officers dip their socks in kerosene?

To keep the ants off their candy-asses.

OurTown

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #627 on: December 06, 2018, 01:12:41 PM »
Do you know who composed the music to the Lord of the Rings?


Rohan Sebastian Bach.

AcidCough7

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #628 on: December 07, 2018, 08:50:14 AM »
Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.
The other chickpea asks, "Are you okay?" and the chickpea answers, "No, I falafel."

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #629 on: December 07, 2018, 09:28:29 AM »
Why do Air Force officers dip their socks in kerosene?

To keep the ants off their candy-asses.

ok, i still don't get this...  explain, anyone?

sol

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #630 on: December 07, 2018, 10:10:31 AM »
Why do Air Force officers dip their socks in kerosene?

To keep the ants off their candy-asses.

ok, i still don't get this...  explain, anyone?

They're just taking the piss.  Everyone makes fun of the Air Force.  https://www.google.com/search?q=candy+ass

Samuel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #631 on: December 07, 2018, 10:21:24 AM »
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"