Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 97713 times)

accolay

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #600 on: October 02, 2018, 01:52:19 PM »
Why should you never tell secrets in a garden?

Spoiler: show
The potatoes have eyes, the corn have ears and the bean stalk

Radagast

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #601 on: October 02, 2018, 10:13:39 PM »
What do you do if you hate Volkswagen?

Put all your money in Vanguard Short-Term Tax-Exempt Fund Admiral Shares (VWSUX)

*leaves room*

MrSal

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #602 on: October 11, 2018, 08:17:47 PM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #603 on: October 12, 2018, 07:43:56 AM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #604 on: October 12, 2018, 08:08:16 AM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

Or a dock?

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #605 on: October 12, 2018, 08:19:48 AM »
Quote
Or a dock?

Dabnasty

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #606 on: October 12, 2018, 08:40:34 AM »
Goodness. That's a long dock.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #607 on: October 12, 2018, 10:10:53 AM »
Quote
Or a dock?

Oh that looks lovely. And warm.

MrSal

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #608 on: October 12, 2018, 11:03:08 AM »
Let me tell you a joke about my d*ck...

-ah never mind... It's too long!

In my sleep-deprived brain I read this and thought... I don't get it, how can a duck be too long?

:D

Heres another:

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."



----------


A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'.
He rings the bell & tells him the dog can be viewed in the garden.
The man sees a Black Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The dog replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up & says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies & world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was the top spie for 9 years, But I got really tired & I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings & was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies & now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed & goes back into the house & asks the owner how much for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a compulsive liar He's never left the garden!"

--------------------


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 11:06:58 AM by MrSal »