Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 100905 times)

Feral Car Rescue

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #550 on: June 15, 2018, 11:29:07 PM »
Why can't your head be 12" long?

Because then it would be a foot.

Penn42

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #551 on: June 16, 2018, 06:45:17 AM »
What has 9 arms and sucks?

Spoiler: show
Def Leopard



solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #552 on: June 17, 2018, 03:09:14 AM »
What has 9 arms and sucks?

Spoiler: show
Def Leopard


Booooooooooooooooooo!

Feral Car Rescue

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #553 on: June 17, 2018, 08:34:07 PM »
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is this stool taken?"

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #554 on: June 18, 2018, 07:53:09 AM »
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #555 on: June 29, 2018, 11:21:49 AM »
What do you call a dog that works in an ice cream shop ?

Spoiler: show
Scoopy Doo




birdman2003

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #556 on: June 29, 2018, 12:19:32 PM »
You don't need a parachute to go sky diving.  You need a parachute to go sky diving twice.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #557 on: June 29, 2018, 12:30:32 PM »
You don't need a parachute to go sky diving.  You need a parachute to go sky diving twice.
Similar to: 
Q: "Is this plant edible?"
A: "Everything's edible the first time..."

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #558 on: July 03, 2018, 05:31:16 PM »
Why do bees have sticky hair ?

Spoiler: show
Because they use honey combs



Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #559 on: July 03, 2018, 05:40:16 PM »
Why do bees have sticky hair ?

Spoiler: show
Because they use honey combs


Reminds me of a very stupid rhyme my dad always tells:

"I eat my peas with honey,
I've done so all my life.
It makes them taste real funny,
But it keeps them on my knife!"

Mon€yp€nny

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #560 on: July 06, 2018, 03:07:55 PM »
A turtle, a rabbit and a cheetah are sitting in a pub. 'I'm so bored', the cheetah says. 'Me too' says the rabbit. The turtle replies 'I'm also bored but you know what, I live next door, shall I fetch a deck of cards at home so we can play cards?' The rabbit and the cheetah think that is a great idea and the turtle goes home.

An hour later, he is still not back. 'Looks like he is not coming back', says the rabbit. 'He probably passed out on the couch, let's go home too', says the Cheetah. As they stand up, they hear from behind the door 'Don't you dare!!! I  just managed to cross the doorstep for you two!'


Why did the dumb blonde take a fork with her in the car?
To cut corners.

How can you see a dumb blonde used a computer?
Wite out on the screen




Radiowave

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #561 on: July 08, 2018, 07:11:40 PM »
A baby seal walks into a club...

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #562 on: July 15, 2018, 08:16:38 AM »
~ stole this from someones signature line in a different forum.


If you get attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.

Raymond Reddington

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #563 on: July 15, 2018, 11:45:39 AM »
-The NSA is the only part of government that actually listens to the people.

-The grass is greener on the other side because it's been fertilized with bullshit

-You know Apple is run by men when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.

-A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out." So he asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" "According to the picture on the box, a tiger," she answers. So he goes over to help. After about 5 seconds, he turns to her and says, "Honey, I have bad news. No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." Her eyes get puffy, and she is about to cry. He continues, "So honey, don't get upset, I'm gonna make you a nice cup of tea. And then...we're gonna put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

-A blonde goes to the doctor and he asks what's wrong with her. "Oh, help! I've broken every bone in my body!" she says. "How do you know?" the doctor replies. "Well," she goes on, "It hurts whenever I touch anypart of my body." She touches her arm, "Ow!" Touches her leg, "Oh God!" Touches her wrist, and looks like she's about to cry, and then she touches her foot, and even her jaw. She is literally on the verge of tears. "See, doc?" she finally asks. He thinks for a minute, "OK let's get you X-rayed." She smiles, and agrees that would be a good idea. After her X-ray, she has to wait a few minutes for the results. The doctor and the radiologist are talking loudly outside in the hallway, almost to the point of yelling, but she can't hear what they're saying. Then the doctor comes back in. "Well, I've got good news and bad news," he says. She look at him, "OK." "The good news is you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is you're broken your finger."

-I rear ended a car this morning. A bad start to the day. The driver got out of the car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's how the fight started.

Raymond Reddington

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #564 on: July 15, 2018, 10:35:23 PM »
Confucius say: Man Who Fart In Church Sit In Own Pew

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #565 on: July 16, 2018, 03:26:33 AM »
Confucius say: Baseball makes no sense - man with four balls cannot walk.

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #566 on: July 16, 2018, 07:01:36 PM »
Rugby is a game played by men with odd shaped balls.

birdman2003

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #567 on: August 14, 2018, 06:16:06 AM »
I wasn't close to my dad when he died . . . which is good because he stepped on a land mine

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #568 on: August 14, 2018, 10:50:19 AM »
Scientists finally figure out how trees communicate.
Spoiler: show
They bark.

Mon€yp€nny

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #569 on: August 19, 2018, 04:58:27 PM »
Two skeletons are getting ready for a night out.
'Why on earth do you want to take your tombstone with you?'
 'They might ask for my ID!'

I wish I could translate a lot of Dutch jokes to English but so many don't make any sense.

Wife complains to her husband 'I wish I could get bigger breasts'. 'I know the solution to that', he says, 'just rub some toilet paper between them three times a day.' Surprised, she replies: 'How would that work??!'. 'I don't know', says her husband, 'but it sure worked for your butt.'

(Hope that one didn't offend anyone)

Simple Dad

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #570 on: August 20, 2018, 12:19:03 PM »
Bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a.........................beer."

Bartender says  "What's with the big pause?"

Bear "I am a bear!"



Simple Dad

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #571 on: August 20, 2018, 12:21:22 PM »
What do you call a cow with now legs?                                                        Ground Beef


What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?                                   Sparky

rocketpj

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #572 on: September 01, 2018, 11:24:10 PM »
Why don't oysters make good friends?

Because they are shellfish.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #573 on: September 02, 2018, 09:50:45 AM »
Back to school humour

Q: What school supply is always tired?
Spoiler: show
A knapsack!

Q: What’s the difference between a teacher and a steam train?
Spoiler: show
A teacher says, “Spit out that gum” a steam train says, “Chew chew!”

Q: What is white when it’s dirty and black when its clean?
Spoiler: show
A blackboard!


Kid: I think we need a new teacher.
Mom: Why is that?
Kid: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers.

Mom: What did you learn today?
Kid: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.

Teacher: You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.
Pupil: But these are the only feet I’ve got!

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t”.
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #574 on: September 05, 2018, 09:56:23 PM »
I hired a landscape gardener.  He said he couldn’t help me because my garden was portrait.

megaschnauzer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #575 on: September 07, 2018, 01:18:53 PM »
I hired a landscape gardener.  He said he couldn’t help me because my garden was portrait.

that took me a minute.

Dabnasty

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #576 on: September 07, 2018, 01:26:46 PM »
I hired a landscape gardener.  He said he couldn’t help me because my garden was portrait.

You should have pushed him over.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #577 on: September 07, 2018, 02:07:32 PM »
Why did the gardener quit?
 
Spoiler: show
Because his celery wasn't high enough.
 

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #578 on: September 07, 2018, 02:08:35 PM »
Why didn't anyone laugh at the gardener's jokes?
Spoiler: show
 Because they were too corney. 

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #579 on: September 09, 2018, 06:29:39 PM »
What do you call female coriander ?


Spoiler: show
she-lantro



nessness

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #580 on: September 11, 2018, 11:03:04 AM »
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #581 on: September 11, 2018, 12:12:08 PM »
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Spoiler: show
A: 11 T-H-E  A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #582 on: September 11, 2018, 12:17:30 PM »
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Spoiler: show
A: 11 T-H-E  A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T


I only count 7.
:-P

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #583 on: September 12, 2018, 06:13:17 AM »
There...are...four....lights !!!!!


Make it so.


techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #584 on: September 12, 2018, 07:43:02 AM »
There...are...four....lights !!!!!


Make it so.


I read about that four lights thing....
http://www.dailysquat.com/donald-trump-tells-supporters-see-five-lights/

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #585 on: September 14, 2018, 08:19:57 AM »
How do you know God isn't a civil engineer?

Because he ran a raw sewage line through a recreational area.

BTDretire

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #586 on: September 14, 2018, 09:30:27 AM »
Two guys, (little people, once called midgets) decided to go out drinking. They got pretty drunk and decided they would get a couple of hookers and have some fun. They find the hookers go to a motel and get adjoining rooms.
  One of the guys tries to perform but has just had to much to drink and can't make it work, he sends the hooker home. But he listens to what is going on in the next room and hears 1, 2, ughh,    1, 2, ughh,   1, 2, ughh,   
1, 2, ughh,  1, 2, ughh,   1, 2, ughh. and then falls asleep.
 The next morning they meet and the second guy asks, how was your night, first guy says oh, it was bad, I was to drunk and just couldn't perform. I sent my girl home early, but I heard a lot going on in your room, must of been good!
Second guy gave him a look and says, are you kidding, I couldn't even get up onto the bed!

Thanks to Norm Macdonald

Radagast

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #587 on: September 18, 2018, 11:42:44 PM »
I decided to call my toilet a "Jim" instead of a "John". That way it sounds better when I tell people I use it every morning.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #588 on: September 19, 2018, 01:28:02 PM »
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #589 on: September 19, 2018, 01:45:17 PM »
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I don't know. What?

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #590 on: September 19, 2018, 01:53:00 PM »
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I don't know. What?

The joke IS the punchline.  But I liked this response I got on facebook: "A Mobius Quip".

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #591 on: September 19, 2018, 01:56:01 PM »
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I don't know. What?

The joke IS the punchline.  But I liked this response I got on facebook: "A Mobius Quip".

Yeah, I got it. It's pretty funny, too. I was trying to play into it.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #592 on: September 19, 2018, 02:55:15 PM »
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
Spoiler: show
To get to the SAME side

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #593 on: September 19, 2018, 08:51:42 PM »
I've got a joke about Social Security...




Spoiler: show
You won't get it.

profnot

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #594 on: September 23, 2018, 04:30:50 PM »
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.


profnot

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #595 on: September 23, 2018, 04:32:07 PM »
I just hate those little Russian nesting dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

profnot

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #596 on: September 23, 2018, 04:33:12 PM »
Research has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer....




than men who mention it.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #597 on: September 30, 2018, 11:32:46 AM »
A man shows up at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.  The widow agrees. He walks up to the assembled group and says "plethora."  The widow looks at him and says "Thanks. That means a lot."

The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #598 on: October 01, 2018, 08:06:58 PM »
I wondered "why does that baseball keep getting bigger and bigger?" Then it hit me.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #599 on: October 01, 2018, 11:28:39 PM »
I was fired from the calendar factory.




I took off a few days.