Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 88069 times)

zolotiyeruki

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2634
  • Location: State: Denial
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #500 on: April 18, 2018, 01:14:10 PM »
This beauty popped up in @snacky 's journal.

HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick cat up and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that are coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides a "Power wash" and "Rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog
I have to wonder if anyone has actually tried this, and how it turned out...

Financial.Velociraptor

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1206
  • Age: 45
  • Location: Houston TX
  • Devour your prey raptors!
    • Financial Velociraptor
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #501 on: May 02, 2018, 07:59:15 PM »
I bought a dog from a blacksmith.  I could tell it was a blacksmith's dog because as soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Achieve Financial Escape Velocity - Financial Velociraptor

solon

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1302
  • Age: 1817
  • Location: CO
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #502 on: May 03, 2018, 04:22:44 AM »
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

techwiz

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 416
  • Location: Ontario
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #503 on: May 04, 2018, 01:00:52 PM »


Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files?
Spoiler: show
Adobe Wan Kenobi


Which website did Chewbacca get arrested for creating?
Spoiler: show
Wookieleaks


Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?
Spoiler: show
To get to the Dark Side.


Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Spoiler: show
Because he has a green thumb.


Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”




Financial.Velociraptor

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1206
  • Age: 45
  • Location: Houston TX
  • Devour your prey raptors!
    • Financial Velociraptor
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #504 on: May 05, 2018, 10:02:40 AM »
Who led the Israelite's through the semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses
Achieve Financial Escape Velocity - Financial Velociraptor

Financial.Velociraptor

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1206
  • Age: 45
  • Location: Houston TX
  • Devour your prey raptors!
    • Financial Velociraptor
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #505 on: May 05, 2018, 10:21:07 AM »
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
Achieve Financial Escape Velocity - Financial Velociraptor

RetiredAt63

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8563
  • Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #506 on: May 05, 2018, 11:24:11 AM »
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

Good one!
The measure of civilization is how people treat one another.

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/meetups-and-social-events/ontario's-own-camp-mustache-2017/ - MEET US THERE!

solon

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1302
  • Age: 1817
  • Location: CO
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #507 on: May 05, 2018, 01:16:54 PM »
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

You could cross post this to the grammar nazi thread!

Bracken_Joy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9001
  • Location: Oregon
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #508 on: May 05, 2018, 05:26:29 PM »
People who can't tell the difference between Etymology and Entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

Oooooh this is a really excellent one.
My journal: Hiding in the Ferns
Like babies? Have kids? Want to chat about Babies and Pregnancy/Infertility? Group Journal Here.

Taran Wanderer

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 496
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #509 on: May 06, 2018, 10:25:13 AM »
You guys are moving on to bugs, and I’m still laughing about, “Use the forks, Luke.”

"Incidentally, ten years ago I thought I wanted a Mercedes. Now I just want a nap and a cup of coffee."
  - Kashmani in Defining 'Rich'

Taran Wanderer

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 496
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #510 on: May 06, 2018, 10:27:39 AM »
Luke asks Yoda, “Why is 5 afraid of 6 seven?” [corrected - my bad...]

Yoda answers, “Because 6 7 8.”

(Hint:  You have to use your Yoda voice.)

« Last Edit: May 07, 2018, 02:43:02 AM by Taran Wanderer »
"Incidentally, ten years ago I thought I wanted a Mercedes. Now I just want a nap and a cup of coffee."
  - Kashmani in Defining 'Rich'

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6646
  • Age: 41
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #511 on: May 06, 2018, 10:35:15 AM »
Luke asks Yoda, “Why is 5 afraid of 6?”

Yoda answers, “Because 6 7 8.”

(Hint:  You have to use your Yoda voice.)

Shouldn't this be "Why is 5 afraid of 7"?  Otherwise, 5 is afraid of 6 because 6 has been eaten. 


Glenstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1682
  • Age: 186
  • Location: Seattle!
  • Target FI date 2027 (maybe?)
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #512 on: May 06, 2018, 01:08:44 PM »
Luke asks Yoda, “Why is 5 afraid of 6?”

Yoda answers, “Because 6 7 8.”

(Hint:  You have to use your Yoda voice.)

Shouldn't this be "Why is 5 afraid of 7"?  Otherwise, 5 is afraid of 6 because 6 has been eaten.
Use your Yoda voice, you must.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

solon

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1302
  • Age: 1817
  • Location: CO
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #513 on: May 06, 2018, 02:10:28 PM »
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "7 ate 6", and so 7 is the one you should fear.

nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7854
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #514 on: May 06, 2018, 02:11:01 PM »
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

solon

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1302
  • Age: 1817
  • Location: CO
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #515 on: May 06, 2018, 02:14:58 PM »
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."

Right. Now take Yoda's sentence "because six seven eight, he did." and put it into normal English.

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6646
  • Age: 41
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #516 on: May 06, 2018, 02:17:43 PM »
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."

not missing it.  Using Yoda's syntax, "6, 7 8" means "seven ate six."  Six got eaten.  But the joke loses its impact if you say "7, 6 8" because it's not numerically ordered.

Have we killed this one yet?

nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7854
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #517 on: May 06, 2018, 02:18:17 PM »
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."

Right. Now take Yoda's sentence "because six seven eight, he did." and put it into normal English.
Exactly.  The yoda part is what changes up the joke.  Normally it's something like "why is 6 afraid of 7 -- because 7 - 8- 9".

"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7854
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #518 on: May 06, 2018, 02:19:14 PM »

Have we killed this one yet?
Totally.  jokes lose their humor when they require a discussion -- stupid jokes even more-so.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

MDM

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8144
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #519 on: May 06, 2018, 02:25:06 PM »
I'm with sol. If Yoda says "6 7 8", that means "seven ate six", and so seven is the one you should fear.
Guys, you're missing it.  Yoda screws up his syntax.

Think of it this way... "because six seven eight, he did."
Depends whether one assumes Yoda's speech pattern is object-subject-verb or subject-object-verb.  At least one "reference" describes the way Yoda famously speaks, ordering his sentences object-subject-verb, or OSV.

Dabnasty

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 897
  • Age: 28
  • Location: North Carolina
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #520 on: May 06, 2018, 04:37:45 PM »
try it this way "Because Luke spaghetti ate"

I'm not seeing it.

"Because spaghetti Luke ate" seems much more Yoda like.

Glenstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1682
  • Age: 186
  • Location: Seattle!
  • Target FI date 2027 (maybe?)
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #521 on: May 06, 2018, 04:53:36 PM »
Q: How many Mustachians does it take to overthink a joke?

A; Let me finish counting and I'll get back to you.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

Dabnasty

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 897
  • Age: 28
  • Location: North Carolina
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #522 on: May 06, 2018, 08:54:38 PM »
Q: How many Mustachians does it take to overthink a joke?

A; Let me finish counting and I'll get back to you.

Just one. I wasted more time pondering Yoda speak tonight than I'd like to admit, all by myself. But the more the merrier.

Taran Wanderer

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 496
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #523 on: May 07, 2018, 02:41:14 AM »
I screwed it up.  Let's try this again...

(Let the face punches commence.)
« Last Edit: May 07, 2018, 02:43:44 AM by Taran Wanderer »
"Incidentally, ten years ago I thought I wanted a Mercedes. Now I just want a nap and a cup of coffee."
  - Kashmani in Defining 'Rich'

Dabnasty

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 897
  • Age: 28
  • Location: North Carolina
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #524 on: May 07, 2018, 06:12:37 AM »
I screwed it up.  Let's try this again...

(Let the face punches commence.)

Much better, especially with Yoda's face in the last frame.

nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7854
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #525 on: May 07, 2018, 06:28:26 AM »
Sometimes real life is funnier than any stupid joke:

Man steals car to get to court to face stolen car charge.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Dollar Slice

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3098
  • Age: 41
  • Location: New York City
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #526 on: May 08, 2018, 10:40:20 AM »
What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror?

Halloumi!
Referrals for...
Prolific Academic: http://www.prolific.ac/rp?ref=3PJ4H43L (Earn money by taking academic surveys - way better than mturk, I average ~$9/hr)
Robinhood: http://bit.ly/2uGXBPG (Get a free stock!)

Loren Ver

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 142
  • Location: Indianapolis IN
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #527 on: June 05, 2018, 03:50:16 PM »

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Accuracy is important!

MissNancyPryor

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 370
  • Age: 49
  • Location: Northwest USA
  • The Stewardess is Flying the Plane!
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #528 on: June 05, 2018, 06:11:47 PM »
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."


nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7854
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #529 on: June 06, 2018, 05:05:47 AM »
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Koogie

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 194
  • Location: Toronto-ish
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #530 on: June 06, 2018, 07:49:43 AM »
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

Semi-ERd: September 2015 at 42.

Glenstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1682
  • Age: 186
  • Location: Seattle!
  • Target FI date 2027 (maybe?)
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #531 on: June 06, 2018, 09:55:14 AM »
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?
I think he was just poking out of the house for a quick bite.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

erutio

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 161
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #532 on: June 06, 2018, 02:28:14 PM »
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Should have slugged the tortoise when it had the chance.

Koogie

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 194
  • Location: Toronto-ish
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #533 on: June 06, 2018, 03:13:06 PM »
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Should have slugged the tortoise when it had the chance.

I don't know if we can trust the snails version of events.  He seems like a slimey fellow...
Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

Semi-ERd: September 2015 at 42.

Glenstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1682
  • Age: 186
  • Location: Seattle!
  • Target FI date 2027 (maybe?)
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #534 on: June 06, 2018, 03:46:25 PM »
A tortoise mugged a snail and took his wallet. 

A policeman asked the snail to provide a description of the mugger.

The snail said, "I can't officer, it all happened so fast."
Was the snail at home when this happened?

Congrats !   That's a (s)hell of a joke !

Should have slugged the tortoise when it had the chance.

I don't know if we can trust the snails version of events.  He seems like a slimey fellow...

He'll probably be more careful next slime.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

e34bb098

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 67
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #535 on: June 06, 2018, 03:57:18 PM »
A man was discovered in a laundromat attempting to have "intimate relations" with one of the machines.

The police were called, but as soon as they arrived, the man took off and escaped.

The next day, the newspaper headline said ...

Spoiler: show
NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS

techwiz

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 416
  • Location: Ontario
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #536 on: June 06, 2018, 04:37:03 PM »
A man was discovered in a laundromat attempting to have "intimate relations" with one of the machines.

The police were called, but as soon as they arrived, the man took off and escaped.

The next day, the newspaper headline said ...

Spoiler: show
NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS


He made a clean get away!

Koogie

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 194
  • Location: Toronto-ish
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #537 on: June 06, 2018, 06:10:52 PM »
He made a clean get away!

The other newspapers must have a dryer sense of humour....
Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

Semi-ERd: September 2015 at 42.

Travis

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2233
  • Location: Arizona
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #538 on: June 06, 2018, 06:32:48 PM »
A National Guard officer stole an M577 and drove it down the highway today.  The police questioned him, but he wouldn't TOC.
My Journal: http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/will-i-or-won't-i-a-home-run-or-a-base-hit/

Unlike some other tech companies or skilled-labor industries, we're always hiring.

www.goarmy.com

zolotiyeruki

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2634
  • Location: State: Denial
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #539 on: June 06, 2018, 07:55:01 PM »
What does TOC stand for?

Dabnasty

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 897
  • Age: 28
  • Location: North Carolina
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #540 on: June 06, 2018, 08:37:14 PM »
What does TOC stand for?

Tactical Operations Center

nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7854
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #541 on: June 07, 2018, 05:21:23 AM »
What does TOC stand for?

Tactical Operations Center

Everyone laughs at military humor.  Of course - they could call in an air strike on your home if you don't... but I'm sure that's just a coincidence.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

radram

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 707
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #542 on: June 12, 2018, 11:39:18 PM »
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?


Spoiler: show
Attire

radram

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 707
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #543 on: June 12, 2018, 11:40:55 PM »
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school:

Spoiler: show
Bison

radram

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 707
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #544 on: June 12, 2018, 11:41:46 PM »
I wanted to tell a joke about Leeches........ But it sucked.

nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7854
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #545 on: June 13, 2018, 08:53:52 AM »
I wanted to tell a joke about Leeches........ But it sucked.
I had a similar one about a blowfish...
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Glenstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1682
  • Age: 186
  • Location: Seattle!
  • Target FI date 2027 (maybe?)
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #546 on: June 13, 2018, 09:01:15 AM »
I wanted to tell a joke about Leeches........ But it sucked.
I had a similar one about a blowfish...
Huh. My joke about surgeons really had people in stitches.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

Koogie

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 194
  • Location: Toronto-ish
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #547 on: June 13, 2018, 09:25:35 AM »
I doubt any of you have those jokes... it just seems too fishy....
Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

Semi-ERd: September 2015 at 42.

FIRE@50

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 169
  • Age: 40
  • Location: Maryland
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #548 on: June 13, 2018, 09:31:54 AM »
My driver's ed teacher used to say that he called quizzes quizzicals and then asked if anyone had a new name for tests.

CindyBS

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 290
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #549 on: June 14, 2018, 10:48:37 AM »
What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?



Kids won't eat broccoli.


Why won't the letters S and H talk?


Everyone says SSSSHHHHH when they see them.



Those are both good kids jokes.