Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 19288 times)

ketchup

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #50 on: October 13, 2016, 07:45:33 AM »
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #51 on: October 13, 2016, 10:16:46 AM »
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.
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RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #52 on: October 13, 2016, 11:15:55 AM »
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

2Cent

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #53 on: October 13, 2016, 11:23:53 AM »
Why do pirates sound like pirates?

Because they Arrrrr

deadlymonkey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #54 on: October 13, 2016, 11:56:57 AM »
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?


If it stood on zero, it would fall over.



My grandfather started running at 65.


He is 70 now and we don't know where he is.


Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

MandyM

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #55 on: October 13, 2016, 12:21:36 PM »
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.
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Northwestie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #56 on: October 13, 2016, 02:05:31 PM »
Why was Lincoln buried on the side of a hill?

Because he was dead.

SeaKayEl

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #57 on: October 13, 2016, 02:57:43 PM »
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.



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You rise and shine


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arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #58 on: October 13, 2016, 04:50:37 PM »
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #59 on: October 13, 2016, 04:51:50 PM »
There was a group of cowboys traveling west, and no one wanted to cook.  Finally, Sam agreed to be the cook, but only on the condition that no one complained about the food.  Sam did his best, and ended up cooking for many weeks. 

Desparate to get out of cooking duty, Sam picked up horse buns one day, and served them to the guys for dinner.  One of his mates tasted his meal and said "This tastes like $H1$ !!"  Then he said "Good though!"

The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #60 on: October 13, 2016, 07:08:20 PM »
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that pig in here!" The guy says "It's not a pig, it's a duck." The bartender says "I was talking to the duck".

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #61 on: October 13, 2016, 08:30:24 PM »
Why was Lincoln buried on the side of a hill?

Because he was dead.

Not a joke*: in high school my ROTC instructor always included the following question on his history exam "Who is in Grant's tomb?"  At least one student got it wrong every year that he taught there.






*But still funny as hell.
« Last Edit: October 13, 2016, 08:32:37 PM by Travis »

Driftwood

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #62 on: October 14, 2016, 05:57:11 AM »
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.

I read it out loud.  I tried pronouncing "Quaalude" differently.  I still don't get it. quail lood? quail ood?
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arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #63 on: October 14, 2016, 06:12:49 AM »
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.

I read it out loud.  I tried pronouncing "Quaalude" differently.  I still don't get it. quail lood? quail ood?

Quay-lude.  Like Prelude.

It's not a great joke, but that's the pun.
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We (occasionally) blog at AdventuringAlong.com.
You can also read my forum "Journal."

wkumtrider

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #64 on: October 14, 2016, 06:24:38 AM »
 Why did the projector blush?

It saw the filmstrip

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #65 on: October 14, 2016, 06:38:58 AM »
Which side of a tiger has more stripes?


The outside.


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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #66 on: October 14, 2016, 06:51:05 AM »
Two cows standing in a field. One cow asks the other "So are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "Not at all; I'm a helicopter!"

A family checks into a hotel and the father stops and asks in a hushed tone, "Hey, I hope the porn channel is disabled."
The clerk replies "No, it's just regular porn you sicko!"

And the lord said to John "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life and salvation."
But John came fifth and received a toaster.

If you ever start feeling cold, just go stand in a corner for a while. They're usually about 90 degrees.

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letthelightin

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #67 on: October 14, 2016, 06:55:53 AM »
I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
I didn't get it the first time I read it, but quail + prelude = quaalude (I assume).

But a quaalude is a medication? A sedative/hypnotic. Pretty sure that's what Cosby used.

I don't get it either.

Landlady, time to explain, please?

Say it out loud.  I agree with ketchup.  The fact that it's a narcotic is a funny incidental, not central to the joke.

I read it out loud.  I tried pronouncing "Quaalude" differently.  I still don't get it. quail lood? quail ood?

Quay-lude.  Like Prelude.

It's not a great joke, but that's the pun.

A baby quail is a prelude to a quail. "Quail" + "prelude" = Quailude, pronounced same as Quaalude. Hence, a baby quail is a quaalude.

That's my interpretation of it. I'm sure I've overexplained the funny right out of it though. :)

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #68 on: October 14, 2016, 06:57:51 AM »
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Or because 6 didn't make it to this world and 7 went down in flames. /S(amsungNote)
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letthelightin

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #69 on: October 14, 2016, 07:10:31 AM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because a car was coming.


Why did the chicken get squished?

Because a car was coming.

Royale with Moustache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #70 on: October 14, 2016, 09:47:27 AM »
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Why do octal jokes suck?

Because 7 10 11.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and December?

Because Dec 25 is Oct 31.
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Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #71 on: October 14, 2016, 09:53:29 AM »
Give me ambiguity! Or give me some other thing.  If you don't have any ambiguity, give me ambivalence. Either way I don't care.

deadlymonkey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #72 on: October 14, 2016, 10:01:35 AM »
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Why do octal jokes suck?

Because 7 10 11.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and December?

Because Dec 25 is Oct 31.

The Halloween and Christmas one is good.

ketchup

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #73 on: October 14, 2016, 10:48:38 AM »
Maybe you guys can help me with a joke I've been unable to understand.  It's been in the back of my head for a long time now.

When I was in high school working at Dairy Queen, someone was outside with a T-shirt that said: "Maybe I should get an extra GARAGE, just in case!"  No graphics or anything else I'm aware of.

It was clearly meant to be funny, "GARAGE" appeared to have been the key to the joke, but I didn't get it at all.  None of my coworkers at the time had any clue.  I'm sure it's something stupid, but I've pondered it for years.

Maybe a pop culture reference that went over my head?  Anyone have any ideas?

MNBen

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #74 on: October 14, 2016, 12:20:31 PM »
Q:  What do you call a cow with no legs?

A:   Ground Beef

===============================================

Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A:  Lean Beef

===============================================

(this one probably should be spoken rather than read)

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.

===============================================

My personal favorite this time of year...

When you're with someone and see geese flying, look up and ask them, "Do you know why one side (of the V) is longer than the other?"

The more they think about it, the more you'll enjoy delivering your punchline... 

"More geese!"
 
===============================================

And finally here are a bunch more to entertain: https://twitter.com/TheCrapJoker

===============================================
« Last Edit: October 14, 2016, 12:26:08 PM by MNBen »

meerkat

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #75 on: October 14, 2016, 12:38:45 PM »
(this one probably should be spoken rather than read)

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.

Read it first, then speak this one out loud:

C M ducks?
M R not.
O S M R. C R wangs?
Y I B! M R ducks!
meer journal for a meerkat

Will this matter in ten years?

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #76 on: October 14, 2016, 03:15:45 PM »
How do you kill a circus?

Shoot it in the juggler.
Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #77 on: October 14, 2016, 03:35:17 PM »
How do you get two oboists to play in harmony?

Shoot one.
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RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #78 on: October 14, 2016, 04:12:50 PM »
How do you get two oboists to play in harmony?

Shoot one.

That's cruel - and funny.

uppy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #79 on: October 14, 2016, 04:13:16 PM »
Just want to say this is one of the most awesome threads ever.

desk_jockey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #80 on: October 14, 2016, 06:50:11 PM »
A vulture boards an airplane with three dead raccoons. The flight attendant says to him, "I'm sorry, but you’re only allowed two carrion."
"But we had tremendous success on 'The Apprentice.'  And when I ran for President, I had to leave the show.  That’s when I knew for sure I was doing it.  And they hired a big, big movie star -- Arnold Schwarzenegger -– to take my place.  And we know how that turned out.  (Laughter.)  The ratings went right down the tubes.  It’s been a total disaster.  And Mark will never, ever bet against Trump again.  And I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those ratings, okay?  (Laughter.)"
- Remarks by President Trump at National Prayer Breakfast, 2017

sisto

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #81 on: October 15, 2016, 12:32:55 PM »
A little MMM humor today:

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?

FIRED

Frankies Girl

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #82 on: October 15, 2016, 01:15:43 PM »
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungi!”

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

What do you do with a dead chemist …. You Barium.

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?….. To get to the other side!
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #83 on: October 15, 2016, 03:25:38 PM »
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungi!”

And he doesn't take up mushroom!
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The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #84 on: October 15, 2016, 06:54:17 PM »
It's the first day of school, and the teacher is getting acquainted with her second-grade class. She tells them "You're in second grade now: you're getting to the age where you need to quit using 'baby talk" and use more grown-up speech". With that in mind she asks them to share what they did on their summer vacation.

One boy starts by saying "I got to ride a choo-choo!"

She says "That sounds like fun, Johnny- but it's more grown up to say 'I rode a train".

Next a little girl shares "We went to see my Grammy!" Teacher says "That's wonderful to spend time with family- but you might start calling her Grandmother, or Grandma".

Another boy says "I read a book!" Teacher says "Billy, that's wonderful, reading on your summer vacation! What book did you read?"

Kid thinks a moments then replies "Winnie the Shit".

marty998

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #85 on: October 15, 2016, 08:07:24 PM »
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Or: Because seven ate nine.

Why do octal jokes suck?

Because 7 10 11.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and December?

Because Dec 25 is Oct 31.

The Halloween and Christmas one is good.

For the non-computerised people like me... I had to google this one. I did understand the binary one though... :)

https://www.idtech.com/blog/part-i-top-10-programmer-jokes-explained-for-the-rest-of-us/


nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #86 on: October 20, 2016, 04:18:15 PM »
I'm not letting this thread die! 
Seriously... it's been the bright-spot of my otherwise crappy week (sad, but true).

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: erotic is using a feather.  Kinky is using the whole damn chicken.
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #87 on: October 20, 2016, 04:23:33 PM »
“Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!”
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Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #88 on: October 20, 2016, 05:13:02 PM »
What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're big metal fans.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #89 on: October 20, 2016, 06:14:04 PM »
This thread has helped with a shitty week, for sure.

How deep does the frog need to wade into the pond to swim?

(say it with me) Knee-deep, Knee-deep, Knee-deep, Knee-deep.

Dicey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #90 on: October 20, 2016, 06:27:04 PM »
Sorry if this one's been told. I'll come back and apologize after i've read the rest of the jokes if it has, lol.

Q: What kind of fish has two knees?

A: A two-knee fish.
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MrsWhipple

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #91 on: October 21, 2016, 12:53:38 PM »
- What did the fish say when he ran headfirst into a wall?
- "Dam."

- What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an anthill?
- <to the pink panther tune> "Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant..."


Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #92 on: October 21, 2016, 01:01:41 PM »
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
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Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #93 on: October 21, 2016, 01:09:10 PM »
Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

A: Fo' Drizzle.
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techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #94 on: October 21, 2016, 01:21:37 PM »
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #95 on: October 21, 2016, 01:46:48 PM »
How does a farmer count cows?



With a cowculator.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #96 on: October 21, 2016, 01:49:18 PM »
What do witches put on their hair?




Scare spray!

Frankies Girl

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #97 on: October 21, 2016, 02:49:19 PM »
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

Two whales walk into a bar.
The first one says, "Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh".
The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

There's no "I" in Denial.

What do you call a magic dog? An Abracalabrador.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
I frequently have no idea what I'm talking about. Like now.

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FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #98 on: October 21, 2016, 02:56:24 PM »
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.  Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #99 on: October 21, 2016, 03:11:11 PM »
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.  Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
and even they are divided on how funny.