Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 103918 times)

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #450 on: December 02, 2017, 12:32:36 PM »
One night Sherlock Holmes and Watson were out camping and as they were lying on their backs in their sleeping bags, looking up at the stars, Holmes said:
"Tell me Watson, what can you conclude from looking up at all those stars?"
Watson said, "Well, considering that all those stars are suns like our sun and since each one of them must have planets orbiting around them just like our solar system, surely amongst all of that there has to be life on other planets.  Is that what you conclude, Holmes?"
"No Watson.  I conclude that someone has stolen our tent."

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #451 on: December 02, 2017, 01:36:12 PM »
Alternatives

What do you call a fruit that goes into space?
Spoiler: show
a star fruit


What is an astronauts favorite chocolate?
Spoiler: show
a Milky Way bar


Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #452 on: December 17, 2017, 04:33:51 PM »
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

soccerluvof4

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #453 on: December 19, 2017, 03:36:37 AM »
How did the mouse get out of the elephants stomach?

He ran around and ran around till he was all pooped out!

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #454 on: December 19, 2017, 02:26:06 PM »
Why don't I trust trees?
Spoiler: show
They seem kind of shady


Variation on the theme:
Why don't I trust stairs?
Spoiler: show
They always seem to be up to something.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #455 on: December 21, 2017, 11:23:50 AM »
Which is the dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

...Comet...

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #456 on: December 21, 2017, 12:12:16 PM »


This is wrong on so many levels.

sol

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #457 on: December 21, 2017, 08:44:38 PM »
These may already appear in this thread, but my four year old knows three jokes:

1.  what do you call a three humped camel?  (pregnant)

2.  What you call an alligator wearing a vest?  (an investigator)

3.  What you call an elephant that doesn't matter?  (an irrelephant)

nora

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #458 on: December 22, 2017, 02:45:57 AM »
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
It wanted to get to the bottom.

nora

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #459 on: December 22, 2017, 02:46:36 AM »
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling very well.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #460 on: December 31, 2017, 10:48:32 AM »
A man ran up to me and screamed "I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam! I''m a tepee, I'm a wigwam!"  I told him to relax, he's two tents.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2018, 03:49:55 PM by Travis »

Rollin

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #461 on: January 02, 2018, 02:04:09 PM »
Where do bees pee?

At the BP station.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #462 on: January 02, 2018, 04:06:38 PM »
Did you hear the one about the disappointed fashionable cowboy?

He didn’t like wearing his own brand.

birdman2003

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #463 on: January 03, 2018, 07:07:49 AM »
What do friends and trees have in common?

Spoiler: show
They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

WhiteTrashCash

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #464 on: January 03, 2018, 12:36:04 PM »
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

Spoiler: show
A: A carrot

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #465 on: January 03, 2018, 02:51:41 PM »

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #466 on: January 11, 2018, 02:38:40 PM »
I just that there's a band called Dunning Kruger Effect (DKE). I bet they aren't as good as they think they are.
https://www.facebook.com/Dunning-Kruger-Effect-127567257432771/

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #467 on: January 24, 2018, 11:14:17 AM »
Who does the operation in a fish hospital?

Spoiler: show
The head sturgeon


Caroline PF

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #468 on: February 01, 2018, 08:05:28 PM »
(This joke must be told when driving or walking past a cemetery)

Hey, did you hear the crazy rule about this cemetery? Apparently, if you live within 10 miles of here, you can't be buried here.

(people usually respond, "What? Really? Why?")


Because you don't bury the living!

Mac_MacGyver

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #469 on: February 02, 2018, 06:36:39 PM »
So I was going into work today and I saw a bird eating avocado toast, I think it was a millennial falcon.

sol

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #470 on: February 02, 2018, 11:41:25 PM »
From tonight's family movie night:

My friend said he knows a man with a wooden leg, named Smith.  So I asked him "What's the name of his other leg?"

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #471 on: February 14, 2018, 11:12:59 AM »
Stupid Valentine's Day Jokes

Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
Spoiler: show
He'll dessert you.


How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's day?
Spoiler: show
He gave her a ring.


What did the cat say on Valentine's day?
Spoiler: show
You're purrr-fect for me.


Why is Valentine's Day a great day for a party?
Spoiler: show
Because you party hearty


What's the most romantic part of a fork?
Spoiler: show
It's Valentines.


Secret Stache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #472 on: February 23, 2018, 07:03:52 AM »
What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

.
.
.
.
.
Outlaws are wanted

megaschnauzer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #473 on: February 23, 2018, 07:13:41 AM »
i hope elon musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ELONGATE seems like it would be really drawn out.
(from facebook)

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #474 on: March 01, 2018, 02:36:28 PM »
i hope elon musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ELONGATE seems like it would be really drawn out.
(from facebook)
That joke was a bit of a stretch.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #475 on: March 01, 2018, 06:58:35 PM »

TheWifeHalf

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #476 on: March 01, 2018, 08:48:32 PM »
• Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?

A: Nothing.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #477 on: March 03, 2018, 04:51:16 PM »
sad trombone

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #478 on: March 03, 2018, 05:42:18 PM »
From NextDoor (someone's trying to add variety to the missing pets and whines about speeders):

Quote
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #479 on: March 06, 2018, 01:53:54 PM »
I was going to share a time traveling joke.

But none of you liked it...

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #480 on: March 06, 2018, 01:58:09 PM »
I was going to share a time traveling joke.

But none of you liked it...
I wish you could go back in time...
and prevent your future self from ever telling it.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #481 on: March 08, 2018, 01:01:54 PM »
Why is it called boob sweat instead of humidititties?

sol

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #482 on: March 10, 2018, 02:21:29 PM »
I was feeling selfish and lonely, so I bought some shares and now I have some company.

JoJo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #483 on: March 14, 2018, 06:24:27 PM »
A guy was on a business trip and he ended up at a bar and got very, very drunk.   When he woke up in the hotel room the morning, he discovered his wallet was gone.  He couldn't remember the name of the bar but remembered the walls were gold.  Even the inside of the bathroom and toilet were gold.  So he starts calling every bar in the yellow pages asking "are your walls gold?"

Finally he gets a bartender on the line:
guy: I lost my wallet last night are the walls of the bar gold?
bartender: yes
guy: and the bathroom & toilet too?
bartender: (puts down the phone and yells):  Steve, I think I know who pooped in your saxophone last night.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #484 on: March 14, 2018, 06:36:26 PM »
A guy was on a business trip and he ended up at a bar and got very, very drunk.   When he woke up in the hotel room the morning, he discovered his wallet was gone.  He couldn't remember the name of the bar but remembered the walls were gold.  Even the inside of the bathroom and toilet were gold.  So he starts calling every bar in the yellow pages asking "are your walls gold?"

Finally he gets a bartender on the line:
guy: I lost my wallet last night are the walls of the bar gold?
bartender: yes
guy: and the bathroom & toilet too?
bartender: (puts down the phone and yells):  Steve, I think I know who pooped in your saxophone last night.

I originally heard this joke with "tuba" instead of "saxophone," which I think is a lot more believable. Unless it was a contrabass saxophone, but someone playing one of those in a bar might be even less believable than someone managing to balance on the bell of a normal-sized saxophone while drunk...

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #485 on: March 16, 2018, 09:36:33 AM »

Happy St. Patty's Day


Q: Who was St. Patrick’s favorite super hero?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green Lantern.


Q: What did St. Patrick order to drink at the Chinese restaurant?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green tea.


Q: Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
Spoiler: show
 A: You don’t want to press your luck.


Q: Why can’t Irish golfers ever end a game?
Spoiler: show
 A: They refuse to leave the green.


Q: What type of bow can’t a leprechaun tie?
Spoiler: show
 A: A rainbow.


Q: Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re really into green living.


Q: What do you get when you cross four leaf clovers with poison ivy?
Spoiler: show
 A: A big rash of good luck


Q: What did the Irish potato say to his sweetheart?
 
Spoiler: show
A: I only have eyes for you


Q: Why are so many leprechauns gardeners?
Spoiler: show
 A: They have green thumbs!


Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: Real rocks are too heavy to wear!


Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re always a little short.


Q: Who was St. Patrick’s favorite super hero?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green Lantern.


Q: What did St. Patrick order to drink at the Chinese restaurant?
Spoiler: show
 A: Green tea.


Q: Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
Spoiler: show
 A: You don’t want to press your luck.


Q: Why can’t Irish golfers ever end a game?
Spoiler: show
 A: They refuse to leave the green.


Q: What type of bow can’t a leprechaun tie?
Spoiler: show
 A: A rainbow.


Q: Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re really into green living.


Q: What do you get when you cross four leaf clovers with poison ivy?
Spoiler: show
 A: A big rash of good luck


Q: What did the Irish potato say to his sweetheart?
Spoiler: show
 A: I only have eyes for you


Q: Why are so many leprechauns gardeners?
Spoiler: show
 A: They have green thumbs!


Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: Real rocks are too heavy to wear!


Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Spoiler: show
 A: They’re always a little short.


Q: Why did the leprechaun go outside?
Spoiler: show
 A: To sit on his paddy-o


Q: What musical instrument do show-off musicians play on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: They play on their brag-pipes.


Q: What musical instrument do show-off musicians play on St. Patrick’s Day?
Spoiler: show
 A: They play on their brag-pipes.

Cycling Stache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #486 on: March 16, 2018, 10:05:13 AM »
Why did Sally fall off the swing?

[Why?]

Sally has no arms.

Knock, knock.

[Who's there?]

Not Sally.

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #487 on: March 16, 2018, 10:44:52 AM »
I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #488 on: March 16, 2018, 10:10:49 PM »
George Washington: We should put "We Trust in God" on our money.
Thomas Jefferson: Great idea. Write that down!
Yoda: No problem.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #489 on: March 17, 2018, 11:38:46 AM »
An engineer, a social worker and an economist get stuck on a desert island.  They find crates and crates of food but no can-opener.

The engineer gets to work designing and building an ingenious contraption to open the cans using a complex assembly rocks and rope and pulleys. It takes two days to build and there's constant tinkering involved to keep it working but each can opens as cleanly as with a store-bought can opener

The social worker smashes each can with a small rock.  About half the contents gets splattered on the sand, but the social workers says "hey, we've got plenty, the important thing is we get some food out quickly"

The economist sits down and says "ok, let's just assume that there WAS a can opener..."

2Cent

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #490 on: March 19, 2018, 07:12:34 AM »
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spanjard and a German are sitting in a theatre. Before the show starts the lead actress asks "Can you see me here?"
Yes.
Oui.
Si.
Ja.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #491 on: April 09, 2018, 04:18:53 PM »
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #492 on: April 09, 2018, 05:52:32 PM »

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #493 on: April 09, 2018, 06:00:50 PM »
Financial_Velo*ci*Raptor


Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #494 on: April 09, 2018, 06:41:39 PM »
ZOMG.  Approve and approve.

Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #495 on: April 13, 2018, 12:22:00 PM »
I invested my entire 'stash in a boomerang factory the other day.

Expecting some great returns on investment

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #496 on: April 13, 2018, 12:24:54 PM »
Did you see the movie about constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #497 on: April 16, 2018, 06:34:38 PM »
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #498 on: April 18, 2018, 11:57:52 AM »
This beauty popped up in @snacky 's journal.

HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick cat up and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that are coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides a "Power wash" and "Rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #499 on: April 18, 2018, 01:14:10 PM »
This beauty popped up in @snacky 's journal.

HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick cat up and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that are coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides a "Power wash" and "Rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog
I have to wonder if anyone has actually tried this, and how it turned out...