Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 44728 times)

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #400 on: September 19, 2017, 08:33:38 AM »
Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc, I have a horrible Twitter addiction." Doc says, "Sorry, I'm not following you."

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #401 on: September 19, 2017, 09:32:02 AM »
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

FindingFI

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #402 on: September 21, 2017, 05:25:38 AM »
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and because of his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

So you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

WhiteTrashCash

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #403 on: September 21, 2017, 06:27:04 AM »
Why were the homeowners angry with the contractor hired to replace their kitchen countertops? They felt like they were being taken for granite.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #404 on: September 21, 2017, 09:15:50 AM »
"Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space. "

Terrible joke. 3 stars.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #405 on: September 23, 2017, 07:29:29 AM »
What did the guy name his dog that had no legs?

Cigarette.  Because every morning he'd take him out for a drag.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #406 on: October 13, 2017, 07:02:20 PM »
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that shit is just a coincidence.
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Frankies Girl

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #407 on: October 13, 2017, 07:17:05 PM »
Happy Friday the 13th!
I frequently have no idea what I'm talking about. Like now.

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Ting is awesome! Get $25 if you use my referral code: https://z0p1rd31m89.ting.com/

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #408 on: October 14, 2017, 08:44:41 AM »
Did you hear about the superstitious dyslexic? 

He we so scared he wouldn't leave his house on Friday the 31st!
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

teddyjimbo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #409 on: October 14, 2017, 04:55:33 PM »
Sorry going to digress to a "yo momma is...." joke, sorry if its too low brow.

Yo momma is so fat she played pool with the planets..........

I am a boy in a mans body...

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #410 on: October 14, 2017, 06:29:01 PM »
Sorry going to digress to a "yo momma is...." joke, sorry if its too low brow.

...well, the name of the thread *is* tell me your stupid jokes.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Blindsquirrel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #411 on: October 19, 2017, 06:50:42 PM »
 Yo momma so easy they called it a jumpoline before she got on one.

yo momma so fat she uses a boomerang to put on her belt.
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #412 on: October 23, 2017, 12:10:52 PM »
This made me giggle from SMBC:
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techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #413 on: October 23, 2017, 12:56:07 PM »
Today’s Stock Market Report
 Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
 Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
 Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
 Hiking equipment was trailing.
 Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
 Weights were up in heavy trading.
 Light switches were off.
 Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
 Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
 The market for raisins dried up.
 Coca Cola fizzled.
 Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
 Sun peaked at midday.
 Balloon prices were inflated.
 Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
 Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Goldielocks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #414 on: October 23, 2017, 02:26:48 PM »
Scott tissue touched a new bottom!!   HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #415 on: October 23, 2017, 02:29:53 PM »
Stick it PHB
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Bicycle_B

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #416 on: October 23, 2017, 02:35:23 PM »
Today’s Stock Market Report


That was hilarious.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #417 on: October 23, 2017, 06:45:01 PM »
Today’s Stock Market Report
 Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
 Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
 Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
 Hiking equipment was trailing.
 Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
 Weights were up in heavy trading.
 Light switches were off.
 Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
 Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
 The market for raisins dried up.
 Coca Cola fizzled.
 Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
 Sun peaked at midday.
 Balloon prices were inflated.
 Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
 Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
and the local brothel was busted for insider trading.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #418 on: October 24, 2017, 05:01:06 PM »
Why do lobsters live only in salt water?

Pepper water makes them sneeze.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #419 on: October 25, 2017, 07:20:54 PM »
Lincoln is making a new car for senior citizens. It's called the Incontinental.

Mrbeardedbigbucks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #420 on: October 31, 2017, 05:00:47 PM »
What do Donald Trump and a jack-o-lantern have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out when proven to be rotten.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #421 on: October 31, 2017, 05:34:21 PM »
The wedding was a very emotional affair. Even the cake was in tiers.

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #422 on: November 06, 2017, 09:55:47 AM »
What do you call a woman who has had kids and processes oysters for a living ?

A mother shucker

Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

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meghan88

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #423 on: November 06, 2017, 11:04:32 AM »
A woman goes to see a plastic surgeon about getting a face lift.

The surgeon explains to her that a new technique is available.  It's called the "knob", and it involves the installation of a tiny ratcheted knob at the back of the head, within the hairline.  He tells her that over the years if she felt things were sagging, all she'd have to do is just give the knob a little twist, and her features would tighten up once again.

Years go by and all is well.  The woman continues to twist the knob every so often until one day, she decides she needs to see the surgeon.

She makes an appointment and complains to the surgeon about the recent appearance of bags under her eyes.

The surgeon looks her over, and says "Madam, those aren't bags.  Those are your breasts!"

"Oh", she said, thoughtfully.  "Then ... that would explain the goatee."

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #424 on: November 11, 2017, 01:01:12 PM »
Why does a duck have tail feathers?


To cover its buttquack.

meghan88

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #425 on: November 11, 2017, 05:02:41 PM »
So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed.  It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows.  The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!"  etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find.  The hours pass.  The debris and passengers have started to sink.  The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice.  No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

"OK ... I give up.  What did you do with the fucking ship??"


scottnews

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #426 on: November 11, 2017, 07:05:54 PM »
Did you hear about the streaker in church?

They caught him by the organ.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #427 on: November 11, 2017, 09:59:13 PM »
Blame my dad for this one:

There's a small-time undertaker who decided he needed to improve his business, so he took out an ad in the local paper, advertising that every deceased would be dressed in a tuxedo for the funeral.  Being a small business owner, he only had a single tuxedo with which to dress the dearly departed, but this was no big deal--he simply removed the tuxedo from the dead body after each funeral and got it cleaned before the next service.

Business immediately picked up, and the undertaker suddenly found himself booked with three funerals back-to-back, with only 15 minutes in between to usher one group out and the next group in.  Before the first service that day, the undertaker approached his assistant: "There's not much time between services, so you'll need to be quick to change the tuxedo from one corpse to the next."  "No problem," replied the assistant.

As it turned out, the minister at the first service was a bit long-winded, and the final benediction concluded a mere five minutes before the next service was to begin.  The undertaker worriedly glanced at the side door as his assistant rushed in and wheeled the coffin out.  Not two minutes later, the assistant returned, the next body neatly dressed in the tuxedo.  Astonished at the assistant's efficiency, the undertaker spent the next fifty seven minutes trying to figure out how the assistant managed such a feat.

I say fifty-seven minutes, because that's how long the second preacher droned on for.  When the preacher finally finished, the undertaker hurriedly ushered out the second group of mourners while his assistant dashed in and wheeled the gurney away.  The usher nervously explained to the (third) crowd that the service would be unavoidably delayed by a few minutes, when to his shock the assistant returned, dapper cadaver in tow, less than thirty seconds after leaving the room.  Fearing some mistake, the undertaker double checked the body, but sure enough, it was the right one.

Throughout the service, the undertaker again sat puzzling away, trying in vain to discern how his assistant could possibly undress one corpse and dress another in thirty seconds.  At the end of the service, the undertaker walked up to his assistant, handed him a $100 bill, and said "You just saved my reputation!  That was amazing!  How on earth did you do it?"

His assistant shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Gee boss, it was easy.  I just switched the heads!"

(Backstory: My dad ran for student body president in high school.  His campaign speech was the above joke, followed by "I promise that if you elect me, I won't lose my head."  He won.)

EMMoneY

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #428 on: November 15, 2017, 07:07:27 PM »
Did you hear the latest huge merger?

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

They're calling it Youtwitface.

Back when myspace was still around it was a merger between myspace, facebook, youtube and twitter.  Called Myfaceyoutwit.

Bicycle_B

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #429 on: November 15, 2017, 09:56:03 PM »
So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed.  It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows.  The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!"  etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find.  The hours pass.  The debris and passengers have started to sink.  The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice.  No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

"OK ... I give up.  What did you do with the fucking ship??"

LMAO.  This is my new favorite joke.