Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 78973 times)

FindingFI

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #400 on: September 21, 2017, 05:25:38 AM »
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and because of his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

So you could say he was a
Spoiler: show
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

WhiteTrashCash

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #401 on: September 21, 2017, 06:27:04 AM »
Why were the homeowners angry with the contractor hired to replace their kitchen countertops? They felt like they were being taken for granite.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #402 on: September 21, 2017, 09:15:50 AM »
"Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space. "

Terrible joke. 3 stars.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #403 on: September 23, 2017, 07:29:29 AM »
What did the guy name his dog that had no legs?

Cigarette.  Because every morning he'd take him out for a drag.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #404 on: October 13, 2017, 07:02:20 PM »
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that shit is just a coincidence.
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Frankies Girl

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #405 on: October 13, 2017, 07:17:05 PM »
Happy Friday the 13th!
I frequently have no idea what I'm talking about. Like now.

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nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #406 on: October 14, 2017, 08:44:41 AM »
Did you hear about the superstitious dyslexic? 

He we so scared he wouldn't leave his house on Friday the 31st!
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

teddyjimbo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #407 on: October 14, 2017, 04:55:33 PM »
Sorry going to digress to a "yo momma is...." joke, sorry if its too low brow.

Yo momma is so fat she played pool with the planets..........

I am a boy in a mans body...

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #408 on: October 14, 2017, 06:29:01 PM »
Sorry going to digress to a "yo momma is...." joke, sorry if its too low brow.

...well, the name of the thread *is* tell me your stupid jokes.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Blindsquirrel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #409 on: October 19, 2017, 06:50:42 PM »
 Yo momma so easy they called it a jumpoline before she got on one.

yo momma so fat she uses a boomerang to put on her belt.
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #410 on: October 23, 2017, 12:10:52 PM »
This made me giggle from SMBC:
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techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #411 on: October 23, 2017, 12:56:07 PM »
Today’s Stock Market Report
 Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
 Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
 Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
 Hiking equipment was trailing.
 Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
 Weights were up in heavy trading.
 Light switches were off.
 Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
 Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
 The market for raisins dried up.
 Coca Cola fizzled.
 Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
 Sun peaked at midday.
 Balloon prices were inflated.
 Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
 Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Goldielocks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #412 on: October 23, 2017, 02:26:48 PM »
Scott tissue touched a new bottom!!   HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #413 on: October 23, 2017, 02:29:53 PM »
Stick it PHB
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Bicycle_B

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #414 on: October 23, 2017, 02:35:23 PM »
Today’s Stock Market Report


That was hilarious.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #415 on: October 23, 2017, 06:45:01 PM »
Today’s Stock Market Report
 Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
 Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
 Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
 Hiking equipment was trailing.
 Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
 Weights were up in heavy trading.
 Light switches were off.
 Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
 Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
 The market for raisins dried up.
 Coca Cola fizzled.
 Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
 Sun peaked at midday.
 Balloon prices were inflated.
 Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
 Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
and the local brothel was busted for insider trading.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #416 on: October 24, 2017, 05:01:06 PM »
Why do lobsters live only in salt water?
Spoiler: show

Pepper water makes them sneeze.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #417 on: October 25, 2017, 07:20:54 PM »
Lincoln is making a new car for senior citizens. It's called the Incontinental.

Mrbeardedbigbucks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #418 on: October 31, 2017, 05:00:47 PM »
What do Donald Trump and a jack-o-lantern have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out when proven to be rotten.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #419 on: October 31, 2017, 05:34:21 PM »
The wedding was a very emotional affair.
Spoiler: show
Even the cake was in tiers
.
No, really. I spend a lot of time thinking about rocks.

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #420 on: November 06, 2017, 09:55:47 AM »
What do you call a woman who has had kids and processes oysters for a living ?

Spoiler: show
A mother shucker


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Distillation is a miracle of science.
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meghan88

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #421 on: November 06, 2017, 11:04:32 AM »
A woman goes to see a plastic surgeon about getting a face lift.

The surgeon explains to her that a new technique is available.  It's called the "knob", and it involves the installation of a tiny ratcheted knob at the back of the head, within the hairline.  He tells her that over the years if she felt things were sagging, all she'd have to do is just give the knob a little twist, and her features would tighten up once again.

Years go by and all is well.  The woman continues to twist the knob every so often until one day, she decides she needs to see the surgeon.

She makes an appointment and complains to the surgeon about the recent appearance of bags under her eyes.

The surgeon looks her over, and says "Madam, those aren't bags.  Those are your breasts!"

"Oh", she said, thoughtfully.  "Then ... that would explain the goatee."

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #422 on: November 11, 2017, 01:01:12 PM »
Why does a duck have tail feathers?


To cover its buttquack.

meghan88

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #423 on: November 11, 2017, 05:02:41 PM »
So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed.  It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows.  The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!"  etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find.  The hours pass.  The debris and passengers have started to sink.  The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice.  No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

Spoiler: show
"OK ... I give up.  What did you do with the fucking ship??"



scottnews

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #424 on: November 11, 2017, 07:05:54 PM »
Did you hear about the streaker in church?

They caught him by the organ.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #425 on: November 11, 2017, 09:59:13 PM »
Blame my dad for this one:

There's a small-time undertaker who decided he needed to improve his business, so he took out an ad in the local paper, advertising that every deceased would be dressed in a tuxedo for the funeral.  Being a small business owner, he only had a single tuxedo with which to dress the dearly departed, but this was no big deal--he simply removed the tuxedo from the dead body after each funeral and got it cleaned before the next service.

Business immediately picked up, and the undertaker suddenly found himself booked with three funerals back-to-back, with only 15 minutes in between to usher one group out and the next group in.  Before the first service that day, the undertaker approached his assistant: "There's not much time between services, so you'll need to be quick to change the tuxedo from one corpse to the next."  "No problem," replied the assistant.

As it turned out, the minister at the first service was a bit long-winded, and the final benediction concluded a mere five minutes before the next service was to begin.  The undertaker worriedly glanced at the side door as his assistant rushed in and wheeled the coffin out.  Not two minutes later, the assistant returned, the next body neatly dressed in the tuxedo.  Astonished at the assistant's efficiency, the undertaker spent the next fifty seven minutes trying to figure out how the assistant managed such a feat.

I say fifty-seven minutes, because that's how long the second preacher droned on for.  When the preacher finally finished, the undertaker hurriedly ushered out the second group of mourners while his assistant dashed in and wheeled the gurney away.  The usher nervously explained to the (third) crowd that the service would be unavoidably delayed by a few minutes, when to his shock the assistant returned, dapper cadaver in tow, less than thirty seconds after leaving the room.  Fearing some mistake, the undertaker double checked the body, but sure enough, it was the right one.

Throughout the service, the undertaker again sat puzzling away, trying in vain to discern how his assistant could possibly undress one corpse and dress another in thirty seconds.  At the end of the service, the undertaker walked up to his assistant, handed him a $100 bill, and said "You just saved my reputation!  That was amazing!  How on earth did you do it?"

His assistant shrugged his shoulders and replied,
Spoiler: show
"Gee boss, it was easy.  I just switched the heads!"


(Backstory: My dad ran for student body president in high school.  His campaign speech was the above joke, followed by "I promise that if you elect me, I won't lose my head."  He won.)

EMMoneY

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #426 on: November 15, 2017, 07:07:27 PM »
Did you hear the latest huge merger?

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

They're calling it Youtwitface.

Back when myspace was still around it was a merger between myspace, facebook, youtube and twitter.  Called Myfaceyoutwit.

Bicycle_B

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #427 on: November 15, 2017, 09:56:03 PM »
So there's this cruise ship that makes regular outings and, as part of the entertainment, there's a magician on board.

His act is simplistic and poorly executed.  It's so bad, in fact, that even the Captain's parrot has figured out all the tricks and has started heckling during the shows.  The feckless magician is peppered regularly with things like ... "all the cards in the deck are the ace of spades!!" and "he switched hats!!"  etc. etc.

Months go by, and the animosity festers to the point that the parrot and magician are mortal enemies.

Then one day, the ship sinks.

Pandemonium ensues and the passengers and crew are left floating at sea on whatever pieces of debris they can find.  The hours pass.  The debris and passengers have started to sink.  The magician is left clinging to the side of a life preserver to stay afloat.

Out of the blue, the parrot, being a poor flyer and seeing no alternative at this point, alights at the other side of the life preserver.

The two bitter enemies eye each other with contempt and malice.  No words are exchanged for hours, then days.

Finally, the parrot can't take it any more.

He skitters from side to side, shakes his head and fixes his beady eyes on the magician and asks - actually - spits out the following question:

Spoiler: show
"OK ... I give up.  What did you do with the fucking ship??"


LMAO.  This is my new favorite joke.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #428 on: November 21, 2017, 02:03:12 PM »
Baseball makes no sense...
man with four balls cannot walk.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Boll weevil

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #429 on: November 21, 2017, 04:19:45 PM »
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Take the "s" out of "safe" and the "f" out of "way"


sol

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #430 on: November 21, 2017, 06:42:26 PM »
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Take the "s" out of "safe" and the "f" out of "way"

hint, for the rest of you: 
the correct response is "there's no 'f' in way"
« Last Edit: November 21, 2017, 06:44:03 PM by sol »

Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #431 on: November 22, 2017, 11:51:49 AM »
Why didn't the beach life guard save the hippie?

He was too far out maaaan

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #432 on: November 22, 2017, 12:19:26 PM »
They are now training mice to be Lifeguards. Their first class is in mouse to mouse resuscitation.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #433 on: November 22, 2017, 12:41:17 PM »
Thanksgiving Day Jokes

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No. They’re dead.”


Teacher: What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
 Student: I’m thankful I’m not a turkey.


Why did the turkey cross the road?
 
Spoiler: show
It was the chicken’s day off.



Who’s never hungry on Thanksgiving?
 
Spoiler: show
The turkey. He’s always stuffed.



What kind of key has two legs and can’t open doors?
Spoiler: show
 A tur-key
.


Sheila: I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them.
Tom: What are you serving instead?
Sheila: Squash.


It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.

“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”


It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

“Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”

“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there’s only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

“That’s one is too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them!”


Why was the monster tickled when he ate the turkey?
 
Spoiler: show
He forgot to pluck the feathers.



What do you get if you cross a turkey with an evil spirit?
Spoiler: show
 A poultry-geist.



What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?
 
Spoiler: show
Dessert.



If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
 
Spoiler: show
Pilgrims.


Why should you never talk like a turkey?
Spoiler: show
 Because it’s bad to use fowl language.


What should does a space turkey make?
Spoiler: show
“Hubble, hubble, hubble.”


What is a pilgrim’s favorite kind of music?
Spoiler: show
 Plymouth Rock.


What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
Spoiler: show
“Quack, quack, quack.”


What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
Spoiler: show
 Take him out for pizza and ice cream.


PhilB

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #434 on: November 23, 2017, 04:49:55 AM »
Did you hear the latest huge merger?

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

They're calling it Youtwitface.

Back when myspace was still around it was a merger between myspace, facebook, youtube and twitter.  Called Myfaceyoutwit.
The best variant of this has to be the one from the wonderful Shappi Khorsandi.  To set the scene, she's an Anglo-Iranian comedian, very pretty and very innocent looking:

"My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!"

Anon in Alaska

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #435 on: November 23, 2017, 05:04:12 AM »
What did the day care director say to the cannibal?

Spoiler: show
"Is that for here or to go, sir?"
"Homines est! Dici omnes! Soylens viridis HOMINES EST!"

Kitsunegari

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #436 on: November 24, 2017, 08:33:36 AM »
How can you tell if a politician is lying?

Spoiler: show
They move their lips.

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BookLoverL

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #437 on: November 25, 2017, 05:14:36 PM »
A man is flying a hot air balloon, and finds he's drifted somewhere far away from any landmarks he recognises. He's completely lost.

He sees a man standing on the ground below, so he shouts down, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground shouts back, "You're in a hot air balloon!"

The man in the balloon says, "You must be a mathematician, because your answer's completely accurate, but completely useless!"

The man on the ground says, "You must be a manager, because you've got the same problem as before, but now it's my fault!"
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nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #438 on: November 26, 2017, 07:09:08 AM »
A man is flying a hot air balloon, and finds he's drifted somewhere far away from any landmarks he recognises. He's completely lost.

He sees a man standing on the ground below, so he shouts down, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground shouts back, "You're in a hot air balloon!"

The man in the balloon says, "You must be a mathematician, because your answer's completely accurate, but completely useless!"

The man on the ground says, "You must be a manager, because you've got the same problem as before, but now it's my fault!"
Heard this before but with “lawyer” substituted for “mathematician”...
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

DeepEllumStache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #439 on: November 26, 2017, 09:42:30 AM »
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," he says. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. "That's the problem — I make a mistake and then spend six hours trying to find it."
And a journal because I #REF occasionally

iva

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #440 on: November 26, 2017, 10:04:47 AM »
The Thunder God went for a ride
upon his favorite filly.
I'M THOR!, he cried,
his horse replied,
You forgot your thaddle, thilly.

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #441 on: November 26, 2017, 12:25:08 PM »
A bunch of people were sitting around trying to decide what kind of engineer God is to have designed the human body.

One said: "Well obviously he's an electrical engineer.  Look at how electrical impulses control so much like the heart for example."

Another said: "No he's a mechanical engineer.  Look at how the joints and bones and muscles work so perfectly together."

Last one said: "No he's a civil engineer.  Who else would put a waste disposal system right through a recreational area."
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arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #442 on: November 27, 2017, 09:11:43 AM »
Pro tip: If you're tired of boiling water for pasta,
Spoiler: show
just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze them for later.
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Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #443 on: November 27, 2017, 09:33:20 AM »
#forget
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radram

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #444 on: November 28, 2017, 06:46:06 AM »
Pro tip: If you're tired of boiling water for pasta,
Spoiler: show
just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze them for later.


Now THAT'S thinking outside the box. Nice.

chaskavitch

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #445 on: November 28, 2017, 06:47:34 AM »
This was my sister's favorite joke when she was like 6 and discovering humor for the first time.  Mostly I'm posting to follow :)

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?!?"


Oh, and my favorite dad joke:

You know when you see a "V" of geese and it's always longer on one side than the other?  There's a scientific explanation for that.  Do you know what it is?

There are more geese on that side.

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #446 on: November 28, 2017, 11:34:55 AM »
You know what they say about a man with big feet ...

Big Feet
Spoiler: show
Big Shoes

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/writing-myself-a-happy-ending-hopefully/

If you open a Tangerine account with $100, you will get a $50 sign up bonus!  That can't be a bad thing.  Use Orange Key: 40425919S1

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #447 on: November 28, 2017, 11:38:58 AM »
The Thunder God went for a ride
upon his favorite filly.
I'M THOR!, he cried,
his horse replied,
You forgot your thaddle, thilly.

+1

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #448 on: December 01, 2017, 09:07:08 PM »
Orion's belt is a waist of space.


That's a terrible joke! Only three stars!
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Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #449 on: December 02, 2017, 07:56:32 AM »
Orion's belt is a waist of space.


That's a terrible joke! Only three stars!

Agreed.  It is cosmically bad.

Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

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