Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 45681 times)

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #350 on: April 19, 2017, 04:35:31 PM »
Why do economists give 10 year forecasts down to a tenth of one percent?

to show they have a sense of humor
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #351 on: April 20, 2017, 03:08:34 PM »
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky
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Raenia

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #352 on: April 25, 2017, 09:22:46 AM »
Love this thread, really made my morning.

How do you make a horse stop at stop signs?

With a halter.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #353 on: April 25, 2017, 09:41:25 AM »
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

The superconductor left without resistance.

Car Jack

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #354 on: April 26, 2017, 11:40:27 AM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #355 on: April 28, 2017, 01:14:31 PM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

DHMO is also known as H2O or water

The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #356 on: May 01, 2017, 07:06:10 PM »
What do you get when you cut a bra in half?

Two yarmulkes with chin straps.

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #357 on: May 01, 2017, 07:57:14 PM »

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #358 on: May 03, 2017, 01:09:53 PM »
#Purity
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geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #359 on: May 10, 2017, 08:38:15 PM »
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong, but I don't judge.

Whatever floats your goat.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #360 on: May 18, 2017, 09:09:55 PM »
What do you say to a naked man?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I used to think you were crazy but  now I can see your nuts!
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Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #361 on: May 30, 2017, 02:59:13 PM »
I always used to be afraid of gardening but recently I decided to grow a pear.
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Better living through Science !

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Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #362 on: June 03, 2017, 05:12:06 PM »
How do you determine if someone is a ticklish man?

Test tickles.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #363 on: June 03, 2017, 08:19:51 PM »
How do you determine if someone is a ticklish man?

Test tickles.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten tickles.
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birdman2003

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #364 on: June 08, 2017, 01:49:38 PM »
I had a really good joke about amnesia that I was going to tell you . . . but I forgot it.

caffeine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #365 on: June 08, 2017, 02:05:28 PM »
Where do fish keep their money at?

The river bank :)
« Last Edit: June 09, 2017, 09:50:58 AM by caffeine »

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #366 on: June 08, 2017, 05:36:28 PM »
Where do fish keep their money at?

The river bank :)

If Salmon have annual runs, why don't trout?

because trout don't have legs, dummy, they can't run.
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rocketpj

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #367 on: June 10, 2017, 11:02:08 AM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

DHMO is also known as H2O or water

My grandfather spent his last day on Earth, in his literal death bed, getting everyone he could to sign his petition against dihydrogen monoxide.  Doctors, nurses, family members. 

It was awesome.  I miss him.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #368 on: June 14, 2017, 03:55:33 PM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

DHMO is also known as H2O or water

My grandfather spent his last day on Earth, in his literal death bed, getting everyone he could to sign his petition against dihydrogen monoxide.  Doctors, nurses, family members. 

It was awesome.  I miss him.

I feel like this thread is the perfect place for us to take a moment of silence. That's a high level of dedication to Stupid Jokes =) Sounds like a neat person.
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Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #369 on: June 16, 2017, 07:39:50 AM »
It has often been said that male cows don't defecate.

But, THAT is clearly bull shit.
Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

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Alim Nassor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #370 on: June 20, 2017, 11:24:29 PM »
Did you hear about the baby boy that was born with no eyelids?   The doctors used tissue from his circumcision to correct it.  But now, he's a little cock-eyed.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #371 on: June 21, 2017, 10:24:12 AM »
Why did the muddy chicken cross the road and then go back?

He was a dirty double-crosser.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #372 on: June 22, 2017, 12:26:14 PM »
How is taking a General's BP (Blood Pressure) like War Games?

They're both testing his armies.

ETA: clarified.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2017, 10:01:47 AM by Bracken_Joy »
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arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #373 on: June 22, 2017, 12:40:18 PM »
Didn't get this one... what is a general's bp?
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Dollar Slice

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #374 on: June 22, 2017, 12:47:07 PM »
Didn't get this one... what is a general's bp?

Blood pressure.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #375 on: June 22, 2017, 05:20:26 PM »
A couple of gentlemen are golfing on a course near a cemetery.

After they tee off, one of the golfers notices a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart.

When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''That was beautiful, why did you do that?''

The man replies, ''Well, we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''
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birdman2003

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #376 on: June 29, 2017, 07:02:55 AM »
I went to eBay once to buy a new lighter, buy they only had 12,479 matches...

Vindicated

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #377 on: June 29, 2017, 07:10:01 AM »
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice Belt!
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #378 on: June 30, 2017, 07:57:38 PM »
What do you call someone that always states the obvious?

Someone that always states the obvious.
Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight

Dollar Slice

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #379 on: June 30, 2017, 09:26:50 PM »
What do you call someone that always states the obvious?

Someone that always states the obvious.

Does that person happen to hold the rank of Captain? I think I've heard of them.
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farfromfire

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #380 on: July 01, 2017, 06:27:34 AM »
Where does the King keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #381 on: July 01, 2017, 05:19:27 PM »
What is the internal body temperature of a Tauntaun?


Luke-warm
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #382 on: July 05, 2017, 07:41:47 PM »
So, if the Florida keys have their own endangered subspecies of deer - Key Deer (look it up), does this mean they have Key Lyme Disease too?

Sorry, bad one, I know!
« Last Edit: July 05, 2017, 07:43:37 PM by Melisande »

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #383 on: July 06, 2017, 05:24:27 AM »
So, if the Florida keys have their own endangered subspecies of deer - Key Deer (look it up), does this mean they have Key Lyme Disease too?

Sorry, bad one, I know!

That sounds delicious. Now I want pie. (Key deer, if anyone was curious.)
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #384 on: July 06, 2017, 09:44:45 AM »
So, if the Florida keys have their own endangered subspecies of deer - Key Deer (look it up), does this mean they have Key Lyme Disease too?

Sorry, bad one, I know!

coconuts supposedly help with key lyme disease. if you mix the lyme with the coconut it makes you feel better.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #385 on: July 06, 2017, 11:38:29 AM »


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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #386 on: July 09, 2017, 04:34:12 PM »
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #387 on: July 09, 2017, 04:38:24 PM »
What's black and white and black and white and green?

Two zebras fighting over a pickle.

Footsore Rambler

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #388 on: July 09, 2017, 04:55:15 PM »
In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60, and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70, and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those, my friends, are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #389 on: July 09, 2017, 05:40:15 PM »
In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60, and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70, and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those, my friends, are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

I want to memorize that whole thing, just to tell a long, rambling joke with the worst payoff ever.

Love it!
We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with a kid.
If you want to know more about me, or how we did that, or see lots of pictures, this Business Insider profile tells our story pretty well.
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Footsore Rambler

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #390 on: July 09, 2017, 06:25:58 PM »
I'm pretty sure I know some with even worse payoffs, if I think about it :)

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #391 on: July 09, 2017, 08:05:44 PM »
I want to memorize that whole thing, just to tell a long, rambling joke with the worst payoff ever.

Do you know about Hugh, and his ongoing and repetitive quest to prevent the monks of the Dominican monastery from neglecting their godly duties to pursue flower arranging? 

I'll save you the three minutes of setup and offer you the punchline:  only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Footsore Rambler

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #392 on: July 09, 2017, 08:50:32 PM »
Q: Why does Irish Bean Soup only have 239 beans in it?
A:  Because one more would be too farty (240).

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #393 on: July 10, 2017, 04:37:58 AM »
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
dunno....  what time do I go to the dentist?
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Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #394 on: July 10, 2017, 09:06:02 AM »
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
dunno....  what time do I go to the dentist?

The answer is there, you just have to highlight the empty space below. It's white on white. The text, not the answer to the joke.
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nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #395 on: July 12, 2017, 04:34:45 AM »
What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
dunno....  what time do I go to the dentist?

The answer is there, you just have to highlight the empty space below. It's white on white. The text, not the answer to the joke.
whoops.  Got it.  Thanks.
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Inaya

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #396 on: July 12, 2017, 07:58:23 AM »
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?


So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
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Spork

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #397 on: July 12, 2017, 08:48:35 AM »
In Jamaica, you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60, and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70, and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer a meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those, my friends, are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

I want to memorize that whole thing, just to tell a long, rambling joke with the worst payoff ever.

Love it!

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nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #398 on: September 19, 2017, 05:25:28 AM »
Q:  Why do we turn the clocks back one hour every fall for daylight savings time?

A:  Because if we only turned them forward each spring, daylight hours would get really screwed up.
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solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #399 on: September 19, 2017, 08:33:38 AM »
Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc, I have a horrible Twitter addiction." Doc says, "Sorry, I'm not following you."