Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 28786 times)

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #350 on: April 17, 2017, 11:15:58 PM »
From Monty Python:

How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

It's fucking close to water

Love Monty Python.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #351 on: April 19, 2017, 04:35:31 PM »
Why do economists give 10 year forecasts down to a tenth of one percent?

to show they have a sense of humor
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #352 on: April 20, 2017, 03:08:34 PM »
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky
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Raenia

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #353 on: April 25, 2017, 09:22:46 AM »
Love this thread, really made my morning.

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With a halter.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #354 on: April 25, 2017, 09:41:25 AM »
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

The superconductor left without resistance.

Car Jack

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #355 on: April 26, 2017, 11:40:27 AM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #356 on: April 28, 2017, 01:14:31 PM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

DHMO is also known as H2O or water

The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #357 on: May 01, 2017, 07:06:10 PM »
What do you get when you cut a bra in half?

Two yarmulkes with chin straps.

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #358 on: May 01, 2017, 07:57:14 PM »

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #359 on: May 03, 2017, 01:09:53 PM »
#Purity
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geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #360 on: May 10, 2017, 08:38:15 PM »
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong, but I don't judge.

Whatever floats your goat.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #361 on: May 18, 2017, 09:09:55 PM »
What do you say to a naked man?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I used to think you were crazy but  now I can see your nuts!
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Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #362 on: May 30, 2017, 02:59:13 PM »
I always used to be afraid of gardening but recently I decided to grow a pear.
Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

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Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #363 on: June 03, 2017, 05:12:06 PM »
How do you determine if someone is a ticklish man?

Test tickles.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #364 on: June 03, 2017, 08:19:51 PM »
How do you determine if someone is a ticklish man?

Test tickles.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten tickles.
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birdman2003

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #365 on: June 08, 2017, 01:49:38 PM »
I had a really good joke about amnesia that I was going to tell you . . . but I forgot it.

caffeine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #366 on: June 08, 2017, 02:05:28 PM »
Where do fish keep their money at?

The river bank :)
« Last Edit: June 09, 2017, 09:50:58 AM by caffeine »

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #367 on: June 08, 2017, 05:36:28 PM »
Where do fish keep their money at?

The river bank :)

If Salmon have annual runs, why don't trout?

because trout don't have legs, dummy, they can't run.
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rocketpj

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #368 on: June 10, 2017, 11:02:08 AM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

DHMO is also known as H2O or water

My grandfather spent his last day on Earth, in his literal death bed, getting everyone he could to sign his petition against dihydrogen monoxide.  Doctors, nurses, family members. 

It was awesome.  I miss him.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #369 on: June 14, 2017, 03:55:33 PM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

DHMO is also known as H2O or water

My grandfather spent his last day on Earth, in his literal death bed, getting everyone he could to sign his petition against dihydrogen monoxide.  Doctors, nurses, family members. 

It was awesome.  I miss him.

I feel like this thread is the perfect place for us to take a moment of silence. That's a high level of dedication to Stupid Jokes =) Sounds like a neat person.
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Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #370 on: June 16, 2017, 07:39:50 AM »
It has often been said that male cows don't defecate.

But, THAT is clearly bull shit.
Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

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Alim Nassor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #371 on: June 20, 2017, 11:24:29 PM »
Did you hear about the baby boy that was born with no eyelids?   The doctors used tissue from his circumcision to correct it.  But now, he's a little cock-eyed.

nouveauRiche

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #372 on: June 21, 2017, 10:24:12 AM »
Why did the muddy chicken cross the road and then go back?

He was a dirty double-crosser.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #373 on: Today at 12:26:14 PM »
How is taking a General's BP like War Games?

They're both testing his armies.
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arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #374 on: Today at 12:40:18 PM »
Didn't get this one... what is a general's bp?
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Dollar Slice

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #375 on: Today at 12:47:07 PM »
Didn't get this one... what is a general's bp?

Blood pressure.
...it's not at all alarming that people have started quoting me in their siggy lines.