Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 24799 times)

Taran Wanderer

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 457
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #350 on: April 17, 2017, 11:15:58 PM »
From Monty Python:

How is American beer like having sex in a canoe?

It's fucking close to water

Love Monty Python.

nereo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5855
  • Location: la belle province
    • Here's how you can support science today:
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #351 on: April 19, 2017, 04:35:31 PM »
Why do economists give 10 year forecasts down to a tenth of one percent?

to show they have a sense of humor
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Bracken_Joy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7980
  • Age: 28
  • Location: Oregon
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #352 on: April 20, 2017, 03:08:34 PM »
What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky
The Roughest Mustachian on the Nicest Block: my journal
Like babies? Have kids? Want to chat about Babies and Pregnancy? Group Journal Here.

Raenia

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 121
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #353 on: April 25, 2017, 09:22:46 AM »
Love this thread, really made my morning.

How do you make a horse stop at stop signs?

With a halter.

Glenstache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1281
  • Age: 185
  • Location: Seattle!
  • Target FI date 2024 (maybe?)
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #354 on: April 25, 2017, 09:41:25 AM »
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

The superconductor left without resistance.

Car Jack

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 235
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #355 on: April 26, 2017, 11:40:27 AM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

techwiz

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 144
  • Location: Ontario
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #356 on: April 28, 2017, 01:14:31 PM »
Here's one to roll your eyes at and then use when someone gets a craft beer/diet soda/whatever drink.

"Did you see the 60 minutes spot last week about dihydrogen monoxide.  They use it in that (point to person's drink), you know and the FDA is dragging their feet on stopping it!"

This works especially well if someone else at the table immediately gets it and plays it up.  Be ready to run when the victim puts it together, though.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”

• may cause severe burns.

• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


• as an industrial solvent and coolant.

• in nuclear power plants.

• in the production of styrofoam.

• as a fire retardant.

• in many forms of cruel animal research.

• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

• as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

DHMO is also known as H2O or water

The Guru

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 155
  • Age: 61
  • Location: Great Lakes
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #357 on: May 01, 2017, 07:06:10 PM »
What do you get when you cut a bra in half?

Two yarmulkes with chin straps.

solon

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 793
  • Age: 1816
  • Location: CO
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #358 on: May 01, 2017, 07:57:14 PM »

Financial.Velociraptor

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 839
  • Age: 44
  • Location: Houston TX
  • Devour your prey raptors!
    • Financial Velociraptor
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #359 on: May 03, 2017, 01:09:53 PM »
#Purity
Achieve Financial Escape Velocity - Financial Velociraptor

geekette

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1448
  • Location: Cary, NC
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #360 on: May 10, 2017, 08:38:15 PM »
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong, but I don't judge.

Whatever floats your goat.

Financial.Velociraptor

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 839
  • Age: 44
  • Location: Houston TX
  • Devour your prey raptors!
    • Financial Velociraptor
Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #361 on: May 18, 2017, 09:09:55 PM »
What do you say to a naked man?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I used to think you were crazy but  now I can see your nuts!
Achieve Financial Escape Velocity - Financial Velociraptor