Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 28976 times)

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #250 on: December 07, 2016, 09:41:17 AM »
What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #251 on: December 07, 2016, 01:14:19 PM »
A new driver by the name of Stan Towarder has just shown up for his first day of work driving buses for the New York City Department of Education, and he meets his new supervisor, a tiny slight of a woman with a shockingly gruff voice by the name of Makenzie MacDonald - but everyone there in the barn just calls her Big Mak.

Mak informs Stan that since he's new there, he's being assigned one of their less desirable routes in the Lower East Side that they can't seem to keep drivers for, which requires him picking children up on the now famous "Sesame Street" from the children's show in the Alphabet City neighborhood, and ending the run by dropping them off at PS 15 in the East Village. Stan, full of ambitious vigor, takes the challenge and starts driving.

At the first stop on Sesame Street among the small group of three children, a mother is standing with her son who helps him onto the bus. The mother sees that it's a new bus driver and introduces herself and her son. "Hello, I'm Mrs. Olivia Peculiar, and this is my son Ross. Ross has special needs, and he should be kept in a calm and quiet environment. Otherwise, he will get frightened, hide under your seat, and scream in terror. Please look after him."

Stan greets her with a smile and says, "No worries, Mrs. Peculiar, I'll take good care of Ross for you," and proceeds down the route.

On the second stop on Sesame Street, seven smaller kids get pushed out of the way by a rather rotund girl who shoves her way onto the bus first. Stan stops her and asks her to identify herself. "Patricia Falstaffian," she says, "but everyone calls me Patti!"

"Well Patti," Stan replies, "It's not nice to push other children."

Then Patti replies, "It's okay. My Mom says I have a 'thyroid condition' and that means I can't help it, so I should just be who I am." And she proceeds to bite Stan in the arm before running to the back of the bus and taking a seat, where she begins to yell, brag, and kick the seats for the rest of the trip on the bus. Ross Peculiar begins to rock in his seat and moan while hugging himself.

At the third stop on his route down Sesame Street, five more kids get on the bus, and one of them sits directly behind Stan. As the bus resumes its trip, the child sitting behind Stan takes his shoes and socks off and begins to pick at his feet and flick the debris at the back of poor Stan's head. As this kid starts doing this, Patti Falstaffian screams out during a chorus of children making grossed out noises, "Ew! Stop picking your bunions, Lester Snieze! That's gross!" However, Lester proceeds undeterred, picking at and flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. Meanwhile, Ross' eyes get bigger and his moaning gets louder as his rocking intensifies.

At the final pickup on his route down Sesame Street, Stan stops the bus for the last of the children he has been entrusted to transport. Among the gaggle of kids at this stop, a morbidly obese girl is standing hidden there behind the others, head down, quietly waiting for the other dozen or so kids to finish boarding. When she finally gets on, she barely squeezes through the door, in fact. Stan asks her her name as he tries to help pull her through and up the steps.

"It's Patty Voracity, mister," she says in a shy and quiet voice.

"It's good to meet you, Patty," responds Stan. He's tired, flapped, but he strives to be kind and helps her to a seat. However, after young Patty Voracity takes a seat, she becomes a lightning rod of attention to the other children. They scream and taunt her with Patti Falstaffian being the loudest, hiding in the back of the bus but starting a round of jeering chants of "Fatty Patty" with the other kids.

In the chaos of Patti leading the charge picking on Patty, Ross now darts under Stan's legs and starts to panic scream, all while Lester Snieze keeps flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. This continues all the rest of the way of the trip to The Roberto Clemente School on East 4th Street, where he finally gets all the children off the bus.

The trip was terrible, but the bus was finally silent. Stan bursts out in tears and sobs for a good five minutes in the driver's seat while the bus sits idling outside the front entrance of the old PS 15 building, certain that it was a divine miracle that he got them to school safely without wrecking the bus or exploding in rage. It became clear to poor Stan that the pay he was receiving simply wasn't enough to handle this route, but he determined that with enough money, he might be able to hang in there. After finally pulling himself together, he drives the bus back to the barn, gasses it up and parks it, still a little frazzled.

After finishing the paperwork he had to fill out due to the cacophony on the bus that morning, Stan approaches his supervisor's office and wearily knocks on her doorpost.

"What do you want, Towarder?" Mak barks out.

Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."
« Last Edit: December 07, 2016, 01:26:06 PM by I.P. Daley »
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missbee

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #252 on: December 07, 2016, 07:49:35 PM »
What cheese is made backwards?
 Edam     

Why did the cheese look sane?
 Because everything else on the plate is crackers.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!

Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella

What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?
Cheeses of Nazareth

Did you hear about the cheese that failed to win a medal at the Olympics?
It fell at the final curdle

Wow those were "Cheesy"

what sort of cheese do you use to disguise a stolen horse?
Mascarpone

sisto

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #253 on: December 08, 2016, 08:44:39 AM »
A new driver by the name of Stan Towarder has just shown up for his first day of work driving buses for the New York City Department of Education, and he meets his new supervisor, a tiny slight of a woman with a shockingly gruff voice by the name of Makenzie MacDonald - but everyone there in the barn just calls her Big Mak.

Mak informs Stan that since he's new there, he's being assigned one of their less desirable routes in the Lower East Side that they can't seem to keep drivers for, which requires him picking children up on the now famous "Sesame Street" from the children's show in the Alphabet City neighborhood, and ending the run by dropping them off at PS 15 in the East Village. Stan, full of ambitious vigor, takes the challenge and starts driving.

At the first stop on Sesame Street among the small group of three children, a mother is standing with her son who helps him onto the bus. The mother sees that it's a new bus driver and introduces herself and her son. "Hello, I'm Mrs. Olivia Peculiar, and this is my son Ross. Ross has special needs, and he should be kept in a calm and quiet environment. Otherwise, he will get frightened, hide under your seat, and scream in terror. Please look after him."

Stan greets her with a smile and says, "No worries, Mrs. Peculiar, I'll take good care of Ross for you," and proceeds down the route.

On the second stop on Sesame Street, seven smaller kids get pushed out of the way by a rather rotund girl who shoves her way onto the bus first. Stan stops her and asks her to identify herself. "Patricia Falstaffian," she says, "but everyone calls me Patti!"

"Well Patti," Stan replies, "It's not nice to push other children."

Then Patti replies, "It's okay. My Mom says I have a 'thyroid condition' and that means I can't help it, so I should just be who I am." And she proceeds to bite Stan in the arm before running to the back of the bus and taking a seat, where she begins to yell, brag, and kick the seats for the rest of the trip on the bus. Ross Peculiar begins to rock in his seat and moan while hugging himself.

At the third stop on his route down Sesame Street, five more kids get on the bus, and one of them sits directly behind Stan. As the bus resumes its trip, the child sitting behind Stan takes his shoes and socks off and begins to pick at his feet and flick the debris at the back of poor Stan's head. As this kid starts doing this, Patti Falstaffian screams out during a chorus of children making grossed out noises, "Ew! Stop picking your bunions, Lester Snieze! That's gross!" However, Lester proceeds undeterred, picking at and flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. Meanwhile, Ross' eyes get bigger and his moaning gets louder as his rocking intensifies.

At the final pickup on his route down Sesame Street, Stan stops the bus for the last of the children he has been entrusted to transport. Among the gaggle of kids at this stop, a morbidly obese girl is standing hidden there behind the others, head down, quietly waiting for the other dozen or so kids to finish boarding. When she finally gets on, she barely squeezes through the door, in fact. Stan asks her her name as he tries to help pull her through and up the steps.

"It's Patty Voracity, mister," she says in a shy and quiet voice.

"It's good to meet you, Patty," responds Stan. He's tired, flapped, but he strives to be kind and helps her to a seat. However, after young Patty Voracity takes a seat, she becomes a lightning rod of attention to the other children. They scream and taunt her with Patti Falstaffian being the loudest, hiding in the back of the bus but starting a round of jeering chants of "Fatty Patty" with the other kids.

In the chaos of Patti leading the charge picking on Patty, Ross now darts under Stan's legs and starts to panic scream, all while Lester Snieze keeps flicking his bunions at poor Stan's head. This continues all the rest of the way of the trip to The Roberto Clemente School on East 4th Street, where he finally gets all the children off the bus.

The trip was terrible, but the bus was finally silent. Stan bursts out in tears and sobs for a good five minutes in the driver's seat while the bus sits idling outside the front entrance of the old PS 15 building, certain that it was a divine miracle that he got them to school safely without wrecking the bus or exploding in rage. It became clear to poor Stan that the pay he was receiving simply wasn't enough to handle this route, but he determined that with enough money, he might be able to hang in there. After finally pulling himself together, he drives the bus back to the barn, gasses it up and parks it, still a little frazzled.

After finishing the paperwork he had to fill out due to the cacophony on the bus that morning, Stan approaches his supervisor's office and wearily knocks on her doorpost.

"What do you want, Towarder?" Mak barks out.

Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."

I heard this same joke as a kid only a bit different. My aunt drove a school bus and told it to me. In the version I heard. It was the Sesame Street bus and the bus driver had to pick up:

The allby brothers (they were rather large)
Ross with special needs
Lester Hays (who was picking bunions)

Two allby fatties, special Ross, Lester Hays picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus.

This also reminded me of another similar joke.

A frog goes into a bank and tries to get a loan. The loan officer Patty Whack asks him if he has any collateral. The frog says all I have is this little frog statue. The loan officer tell him she needs to check with the bank manager. She proceeds to tell the bank manager that the frog wants a loan and all he has for collateral is the little frog statue and says she doesn't even know what it is. The bank manager replies:

It's a nic nac Patty Whack, give the frog a loan.
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sisto

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #254 on: December 08, 2016, 08:50:07 AM »
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!
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Dollar Slice

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #255 on: December 08, 2016, 02:19:23 PM »
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

I can only assume that the reason it's set in Boston is so you have to do the "serve to bears in bars" part in a heavy Boston accent. :-) 
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #256 on: December 08, 2016, 02:39:21 PM »
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #257 on: December 08, 2016, 02:48:36 PM »
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?

Barbiturate.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #258 on: December 08, 2016, 02:51:58 PM »
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?

Barbiturate.

Ah. Thank you.

(I've always pronounced it bar-bi-chu-it, not like the word "ate", probably part of why it didn't click)
« Last Edit: December 08, 2016, 02:53:34 PM by Bracken_Joy »
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KMMK

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #259 on: December 08, 2016, 03:36:44 PM »
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

...I don't understand this in the least. Explanation please?

Barbiturate.

Ah. Thank you.

(I've always pronounced it bar-bi-chu-it, not like the word "ate", probably part of why it didn't click)

Me too. I think that's how everyone says it. I had to check the spelling multiple times as it doesn't look at all like how it sounds in my head.

meerkat

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #260 on: December 08, 2016, 05:22:34 PM »
Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."

I don't get this one.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #261 on: December 08, 2016, 05:45:39 PM »
How do fish get high?

Seaweed.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #262 on: December 08, 2016, 06:17:07 PM »
Stan pauses for a second and responds, "I've two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Snieze pickin' bunions on the Sesame Street run, Big Mak! It's a good time for a great raise, Ms. MacDonald."

I don't get this one.

This will help....

...not the cringewoorthy quality of the punnery, mind you, but at least it'll make sense.
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Cycling Stache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #263 on: December 08, 2016, 06:25:46 PM »
What goes ha ha thud?

A guy laughing his head off.

Cycling Stache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #264 on: December 09, 2016, 04:52:18 AM »
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

It ran out of juice.

Goldielocks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #265 on: December 09, 2016, 10:02:49 AM »
A bear goes into a bar in Boston and tries to order a drink. The bar tender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. The bear says you better give me a drink or I'll rip someone to shreds from limb to limb. The bartender again says sorry, we don't server to bears in bars in Boston. Again the bear says I'm gonna rip someone to shreds if you don't give me a drink. Again the bartender says sorry we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston. So the bear rips a woman from limb to limb and eats her. He again asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve to bears in bars in Boston especially ones on drugs. The bear look at him funny and the bartender says that a bar bitch you ate!

I can only assume that the reason it's set in Boston is so you have to do the "serve to bears in bars" part in a heavy Boston accent. :-)

I don't get it.  What about boston bruins?

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #266 on: December 10, 2016, 03:07:47 AM »


A frog goes into a bank and tries to get a loan. The loan officer Patty Whack asks him if he has any collateral. The frog says all I have is this little frog statue. The loan officer tell him she needs to check with the bank manager. She proceeds to tell the bank manager that the frog wants a loan and all he has for collateral is the little frog statue and says she doesn't even know what it is. The bank manager replies:

It's a nic nac Patty Whack, give the frog a loan.

The version I heard the frog was called Kermit Jagger and the punch line was
It's a nic nac Patty Whack, give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #267 on: December 12, 2016, 04:02:27 PM »
grammar:
Achieve Financial Escape Velocity - Financial Velociraptor

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #268 on: December 12, 2016, 04:51:00 PM »
LOL!!  I'm enjoying that grammar joke way too much.

Here are some more grammar jokes:

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.


Let's eat grandma!
Let's eat, grandma!
Use punctuation. Don't be a psycho!
« Last Edit: December 14, 2016, 09:57:34 PM by Stachey »
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #269 on: December 14, 2016, 04:46:42 PM »
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #270 on: December 15, 2016, 07:31:35 PM »
Post

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #271 on: December 15, 2016, 08:20:47 PM »
I made this one up for my nieces when they were little.



Why should you never play poker with a leopard ?

He might be a cheetah
Fermentation is a miracle of nature.
Distillation is a miracle of science.
Better living through Science !

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #272 on: December 23, 2016, 05:38:19 PM »
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow!
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Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #273 on: December 23, 2016, 06:47:02 PM »
What do you call a bee who is having a bad hair day?

a frisbee
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #274 on: December 24, 2016, 04:51:14 AM »
Q: What has three balls and flies through outer space?

A:  E.T. The Extra Testicle.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #275 on: December 24, 2016, 11:39:18 AM »
I swallowed two strings and they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #276 on: December 28, 2016, 12:00:57 PM »
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #277 on: January 04, 2017, 08:32:29 PM »
I started a new band called 1023 Megabytes. We haven't gotten a Gig yet

Happy New Year!

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #278 on: January 30, 2017, 10:59:49 AM »
Reviving thread in search of more levity:

Why cant a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because its too tired!


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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #279 on: January 30, 2017, 11:02:58 AM »
Reviving thread in search of more levity:
thank you, thank you, thank you.

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He sold his soul to Santa.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #280 on: January 30, 2017, 12:08:35 PM »
Reviving thread in search of more levity:
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you ++

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Aye Matey
« Last Edit: January 30, 2017, 12:35:14 PM by CowboyAndIndian »

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #281 on: January 30, 2017, 12:33:59 PM »
I'll share one that one of my patients came up with (school age):

Why do adults tell such bad puns?
Because they're groan-ups!
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DoubleDown

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #282 on: January 30, 2017, 03:22:19 PM »
Reviving thread in search of more levity:
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

That reminds me of the dyslexic agnostic, who wasn't sure if there was a Dog.
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Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #283 on: January 30, 2017, 03:24:33 PM »
Great idea Glenstache!

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

'Cause the cow's got the udder!
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Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #284 on: January 31, 2017, 04:34:58 PM »
Because XKCD is my happy place:

SuperMex

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #285 on: February 01, 2017, 02:01:39 AM »
After returning from a 1 year deployment with no leave authorized I came up with the following two jokes.

What are two differences between military kids and civilian kids.

Civilian kids look like their father not the neighbor.

Civilian mothers are only pregnant for nine months not 10-20 months.


We were meet at an aircraft hanger by our spouses. One of my fellow NCOs' wife was holding a very young infant. He commented are you baby sitting? She said no I have been meaning to tell you we had a baby.

marty998

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #286 on: February 01, 2017, 04:31:41 AM »
I walked into a jewellery shop but the owner was closing down for the day. She said she'd give me a ring when they're next open.

After returning from a 1 year deployment with no leave authorized I came up with the following two jokes.

What are two differences between military kids and civilian kids.

Civilian kids look like their father not the neighbor.

Civilian mothers are only pregnant for nine months not 10-20 months.


We were meet at an aircraft hanger by our spouses. One of my fellow NCOs' wife was holding a very young infant. He commented are you baby sitting? She said no I have been meaning to tell you we had a baby.

Did you tell him, or could you see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to do the maths?

SuperMex

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #287 on: February 01, 2017, 04:46:44 AM »
It was followed by a litany of cursing and I had to go intervene because I thought he was going to hit her.

In about a 15 minute time period one Soldier knocked his wife out, the baby surprise happened, and another wife showed up with a 7-8 month belly and a suit case to give her husband along with his 3-4 year old son.

I spent the next 2-3 hours finding a place for some to live, pulling cash out of my account for diapers and formula, and finding the 1SG of the Soldier that knocked out his wife so he could sign him out of the MP station.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #288 on: February 01, 2017, 05:29:08 AM »
It was followed by a litany of cursing and I had to go intervene because I thought he was going to hit her.

In about a 15 minute time period one Soldier knocked his wife out, the baby surprise happened, and another wife showed up with a 7-8 month belly and a suit case to give her husband along with his 3-4 year old son.

I spent the next 2-3 hours finding a place for some to live, pulling cash out of my account for diapers and formula, and finding the 1SG of the Soldier that knocked out his wife so he could sign him out of the MP station.
holy crap.... that's not funny!
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #289 on: February 01, 2017, 08:40:45 AM »
Wow. Well... uh, back to the funny things!

I found this delightfully stupid joke on facebook:

From @Jake Likes Onions https://www.instagram.com/p/BP0GS85hkAt/?taken-by=jakelikesonions
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PhilB

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #290 on: February 01, 2017, 10:05:56 AM »
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ass?

Warren

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #291 on: February 01, 2017, 10:06:38 AM »
Saw this one a while back on Facebook:

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves! Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.

Smokystache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #292 on: February 01, 2017, 10:14:36 AM »
Did you hear about the world's worst zoo?

It only has one animal - a dog.

It's a shih tzu

acroy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #293 on: February 10, 2017, 08:49:44 AM »
Ramblings from a retired mind:

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I want to say, No, it's for company!

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble....
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Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #294 on: February 10, 2017, 10:58:44 AM »
Ramblings from a retired mind:

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I want to say, No, it's for company!

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble....

Love this acroy! 
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Drew0311

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #295 on: February 16, 2017, 04:22:21 PM »
Has anyone heard about those new corduroy pillows?!

They're making headlines!

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #296 on: February 19, 2017, 04:41:52 AM »
Did you hear about the French reporter who tried to save some drowning kittens?  His headline said, "Un, Deux, Trois, Cat Sank."

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #297 on: February 19, 2017, 09:46:02 AM »
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

Dam.

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #298 on: February 19, 2017, 10:09:28 AM »
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #299 on: February 20, 2017, 05:55:02 PM »
How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it's down to its last quarter.