Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 28973 times)

accolay

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #200 on: November 22, 2016, 12:31:16 AM »
How does Hitler tie his shoes?

with Nazis

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #201 on: November 22, 2016, 09:43:13 AM »
Bill Gates farted in an Apple store and stunk up the whole place...

But it was their own fault for not having "Windows"

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #202 on: November 22, 2016, 11:28:21 AM »
Here are some seasonal ones:

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?


What do you get when you cross a sheep with a bee?

A bah-humbug.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #203 on: November 23, 2016, 10:01:55 AM »
Seasonal theme (at least for those in the US):

Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?

He was stuffed!


Why did they let the turkey join the band?
He had the drumsticks!

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #204 on: November 26, 2016, 01:52:25 PM »
What do you do with a sick boat?

Take it to the doc.


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.
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comp@26

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #205 on: November 26, 2016, 01:59:21 PM »
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem?
Where do I begin, man?
I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work.
Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows.
He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness.
But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there…
At night I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm.
A lady that I once loved, doc.
I don’t know where to turn to.
My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the cold of last year.
The cold took her down, as it did many of us.
And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc.
My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch…
I no longer love him.
As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice  that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.
If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…
Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist.
Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

-Norm MacDonald

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #206 on: November 26, 2016, 09:16:38 PM »
Norm MacDonald

Probably the most brilliant to underrated ratio of any comedian of our time.
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frugalnacho

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #207 on: November 26, 2016, 09:55:56 PM »
Norm MacDonald

Probably the most brilliant to underrated ratio of any comedian of our time.

Or that's what the Germans would like you to believe!

And coming in second, you guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Zamboni

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #208 on: November 27, 2016, 06:04:36 AM »
A sodium atom walks into a bar and says "I've lost an electron."
The bartender asks "Are you sure?"
The atom replies "I'm positive."

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #209 on: November 27, 2016, 06:10:48 PM »
toot
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Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #210 on: November 29, 2016, 12:13:16 PM »
YES!!!  The Muppet good old days!

This is a guaranteed pick me up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ


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CheapskateWife

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #211 on: November 29, 2016, 12:23:27 PM »
So have you heard about the three rings of marriage?

There's the Engagement ring,
The Wedding ring,
And the Suffering.

DH loves that one :)

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #212 on: November 30, 2016, 11:52:31 AM »
This made me laugh today:
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MichaelB

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #213 on: November 30, 2016, 01:45:10 PM »
Reminds me of this one:


Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #214 on: December 01, 2016, 12:14:26 PM »
One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."
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RamonaQ

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #215 on: December 01, 2016, 12:33:20 PM »
How can you tell the sex of an ant?

Throw it in water.  If it sinks, it's a girl ant.  If it floats, it's a boy ant (buoyant).

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #216 on: December 01, 2016, 10:59:55 PM »
One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."

Why is this funny?

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #217 on: December 02, 2016, 12:07:38 AM »


One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."

Why is this funny?

The customer is being sarcastic.  It actually was hot.

We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with a kid.
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Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #218 on: December 02, 2016, 10:49:02 AM »
What washes up on tiny beaches?

Microwaves.
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #219 on: December 02, 2016, 02:44:50 PM »
One of my dad's favorites:

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."

Why is this funny?

It's an excellent example of blarney/bullshit/whatever you want to call it. The version my dad tells actually has the customer as a fast thinking city slicker, but I just copy and pasted the version I could find online, since I wasn't sure I would word mine clearly.
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Cranberries

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #220 on: December 02, 2016, 05:13:46 PM »
What lies on the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!!


Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #221 on: December 03, 2016, 02:24:23 PM »
Q: What's your nationality in the bathroom?
A: European
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erutio

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #222 on: December 03, 2016, 07:50:23 PM »
Ok, some racially insensitive ones:

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto

What do you call a Mexican who drives a stick shift car?
Manuel

What do you call a Mexican who drives a lowered car?
Carlos

MichaelB

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #223 on: December 04, 2016, 05:29:21 AM »
Q: What's your nationality in the bathroom?
A: European

And what's your nationality when you leave the bathroom?

Finnish

Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #224 on: December 04, 2016, 06:25:09 AM »
Q: What's your nationality in the bathroom?
A: European

And what's your nationality when you leave the bathroom?

Finnish

Did you remember to zip?

Czech!

Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #225 on: December 04, 2016, 06:26:19 AM »
Or Thai, if you wear those comfy-looking pants.

Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #226 on: December 04, 2016, 06:27:04 AM »
You probably had to go because you had your Filipino at the wine bar.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #227 on: December 04, 2016, 06:35:29 AM »
You probably had to go because you had your Filipino at the wine bar.

This is probably the most clever of them so far.  Well played.

It Israeli funny.
We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with a kid.
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Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #228 on: December 04, 2016, 06:38:33 AM »
If you ate too much spicy Chile you might have problems with Djibouti.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2016, 06:41:09 AM by Kriegsspiel »

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #229 on: December 04, 2016, 06:54:32 AM »
That'll give you extra time to notice that, great Scot, it's time for a new Brazilian!

We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with a kid.
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Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #230 on: December 04, 2016, 07:12:35 AM »
That'll give you extra time to notice that, great Scot, it's time for a new Brazilian!

If history is any guide, a Laos can hide in those special zones; it's best to denude them.

Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #231 on: December 04, 2016, 07:27:27 AM »
That's what happens when you Russia joke; you get jokes within jokes.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #232 on: December 04, 2016, 09:27:37 AM »
What purpose is this Serb-ing, really? There is norway this could get worse.
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auntie_betty

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #233 on: December 04, 2016, 10:03:18 AM »
What purpose is this Serb-ing, really? There is norway this could get worse.

This is getting really Spainful

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #234 on: December 04, 2016, 10:21:01 AM »
Did you know that Saddam Hussein was teaming up with Apple to produce a line of push-up bras? It was going to be called the Iraq

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #235 on: December 04, 2016, 11:35:56 AM »
Iran away from that one!

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #236 on: December 04, 2016, 12:02:30 PM »
Swede!
http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/writing-myself-a-happy-ending-hopefully/

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radram

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #237 on: December 04, 2016, 12:29:57 PM »
U'S A funny bunch.


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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #238 on: December 04, 2016, 12:44:45 PM »
Italia, I Canada take much more of these.
Hi, I'm Daley, the Howard Cosell of MVNOs and the Technical Meshugana. I'm also the author of the Frugal Communications Guide and our own Superguide.

erutio

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #239 on: December 04, 2016, 01:01:38 PM »
Italia, I Canada take much more of these.
I can't either, Irish you all would stop.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #240 on: December 04, 2016, 01:07:23 PM »
I can't either, Irish you all would stop.

Oman! Are you Seria? You all Congo on, but I'm Angolan home.
Hi, I'm Daley, the Howard Cosell of MVNOs and the Technical Meshugana. I'm also the author of the Frugal Communications Guide and our own Superguide.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #241 on: December 04, 2016, 07:13:39 PM »
You guys are a bunch of Turkeys. Are you just Sudan around coming up with these?

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #242 on: December 04, 2016, 07:24:36 PM »
That's enough. Yemen and women need to tone it down.
We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with a kid.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #243 on: December 04, 2016, 07:55:37 PM »
That's enough. Yemen and women need to tone it down.

are you worried that we might be Greece-ing the slippery slope? Or, have you just Benin this situation before?

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #244 on: December 04, 2016, 08:57:45 PM »
Or, have you just Benin this situation before?

That's a new one on me!  I have Togo study my countries!  Are you Ghana join me?
We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with a kid.
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Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #245 on: December 04, 2016, 09:45:33 PM »
Better Peruse the atlas!
http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/writing-myself-a-happy-ending-hopefully/

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #246 on: December 05, 2016, 10:40:50 AM »
Or, have you just Benin this situation before?

That's a new one on me!  I have Togo study my countries!  Are you Ghana join me?
Of course. It will be like a Réunion ! Unless, as a moderator, you get busy Bhuatan people out of threads.

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #247 on: December 05, 2016, 11:36:52 AM »
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” And then he dies.

The follow up joke to this that I heard it today:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First one: I'll have an H2O.
Second: I'll have an H2O, too.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundry tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

:)

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water too.  Wh...why did you say H2O? Like, I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work"
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan failed.
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afuera

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #248 on: December 05, 2016, 11:39:48 AM »
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” And then he dies.

The follow up joke to this that I heard it today:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First one: I'll have an H2O.
Second: I'll have an H2O, too.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundry tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

:)

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water too.  Wh...why did you say H2O? Like, I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work"
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan failed.

Also:
Two scientists walk into a bar.  One says, "I'll have some H2O". 
The other says, "Who comes to a bar for water? I'll have a beer."
"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it" - Henry David Thoreau

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techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #249 on: December 07, 2016, 09:07:49 AM »
What cheese is made backwards?
 Edam     

Why did the cheese look sane?
 Because everything else on the plate is crackers.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!

Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella

What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?
Cheeses of Nazareth

Did you hear about the cheese that failed to win a medal at the Olympics?
It fell at the final curdle

Wow those were "Cheesy"