Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 37793 times)

Goldielocks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #150 on: November 02, 2016, 10:44:25 PM »
There are two types of people in the world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete information

That is an OCD fail...

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #151 on: November 02, 2016, 11:11:38 PM »
Try this one on your friends.  Best served once you're already laughing from the other jokes in this thread:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  ...


For the final line, I like then answering "Who's there?" and they're left going "..."   :)
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Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #152 on: November 03, 2016, 12:18:43 AM »
Try this one on your friends.  Best served once you're already laughing from the other jokes in this thread:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  ...


For the final line, I like then answering "Who's there?" and they're left going "..."   :)

Did I really forget that part?  Yes, you are correct:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  Who's there?
Friend:  ...
You:  [Winning!]

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #153 on: November 03, 2016, 10:14:35 AM »
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says Ill have some H2O. The second one says, Ill have some H2O too. And then he dies.

daverobev

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #154 on: November 03, 2016, 10:28:21 AM »
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says Ill have some H2O. The second one says, Ill have some H2O too. And then he dies.

Love it.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #155 on: November 03, 2016, 10:35:36 AM »
What does Hitler call his favorite chair?

Mein Kampfy Chair.


(because we had not triggered Godwin's Law yet)

MichaelB

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #156 on: November 03, 2016, 11:11:51 AM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
The rearranged the furniture.

They made her read the waffle iron also works here.

Or after using it, they left the toilet plunger in.

How do you keep Helen Keller busy for hours?

Give her a piece of sandpaper and tell her it's an urgent message.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's dead.

fiftyincher

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #157 on: November 03, 2016, 12:52:43 PM »
An old man in front of me at Aldi asked me if I wanted to hear a corny joke. Of course I did!

What you you call a cow that just gave birth?
de-calf-inated

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #158 on: November 03, 2016, 02:17:45 PM »
Chemistry jokes are Sodium Funny!

If a king farts.... is it a Noble gas?

I slapped my Neon that one!

Do not trust Atoms they make up everything!

I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon

Lab closed gone Fission.




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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #159 on: November 03, 2016, 02:45:12 PM »
Chemistry jokes are Sodium Funny!

If a king farts.... is it a Noble gas?

I slapped my Neon that one!

Do not trust Atoms they make up everything!

I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon

Lab closed gone Fission.

Helium read you jokes. He didn't react.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #160 on: November 04, 2016, 08:38:08 AM »
 If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

Dezrah

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #161 on: November 04, 2016, 03:23:51 PM »
Two women are discussing whether this joke passes the Bechdel test.

--------------

Rene DesCartes walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"  "I think not."  And *poof* he disappears.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #162 on: November 05, 2016, 10:48:49 AM »
A photon checks into a hotel.
The Bellhop asks "Can I help you with your luggage?"
The photon replies "I don't have any. I am travelling light!"

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #163 on: November 05, 2016, 12:20:02 PM »
What do you call a pickle on sale?

A Sweet Dill.
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FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #164 on: November 05, 2016, 06:14:47 PM »
Why don't blind people like to skydive?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #165 on: November 05, 2016, 08:08:48 PM »
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says Ill have some H2O. The second one says, Ill have some H2O too. And then he dies.

The follow up joke to this that I heard it today:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First one: I'll have an H2O.
Second: I'll have an H2O, too.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundry tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

:)
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #166 on: November 05, 2016, 09:24:13 PM »
What type of milk do groundhogs drink?
Hole milk.

Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher break off their engagement?
They had no chemistry.
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RamonaQ

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #167 on: November 06, 2016, 09:13:33 AM »
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #168 on: November 10, 2016, 01:14:38 PM »
Two antennae got married.  The wedding was terrible but the reception was amazing.
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ketchup

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #169 on: November 10, 2016, 01:16:47 PM »
I hear that the first thing Trump will do in office is ban pre-shredded cheese.

He's going to make America grate again.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #170 on: November 10, 2016, 01:23:55 PM »
I hear that the first thing Trump will do in office is ban pre-shredded cheese.

He's going to make America grate again.

This is the one thread I'm not upset politics came into. This is an awesome joke, even if it is a little cheesy =P
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frugalnacho

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #171 on: November 10, 2016, 02:46:20 PM »
posting to follow

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #172 on: November 10, 2016, 02:48:21 PM »
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're REALLY good at it.
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FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #173 on: November 10, 2016, 02:55:42 PM »
What did the rug say to the floor?


Don't move, I've got you covered.

PriestTheRunner

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #174 on: November 10, 2016, 03:00:12 PM »
posting to follow. :)  These are great.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #175 on: November 10, 2016, 03:35:01 PM »
A hammer, a wrench and a screwdriver are all sitting in a bar when a drill walks in. The hammer turns to the wrench and the screwdriver and says "Hey, you guys both know the drill, right?"

FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #176 on: November 11, 2016, 10:03:18 AM »
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?


Somebody who lies awake wondering if there's a dog.

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #177 on: November 18, 2016, 11:38:43 AM »
Bumping.  We need stupid jokes.


What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #178 on: November 18, 2016, 01:29:59 PM »
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a tree?

Lief.
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Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #179 on: November 18, 2016, 03:10:05 PM »
Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #180 on: November 18, 2016, 03:14:50 PM »
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?

It's ass.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #181 on: November 18, 2016, 03:25:01 PM »
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

(This one cracks me up far more than it should)

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #182 on: November 18, 2016, 04:27:48 PM »
How does a train eat?
It goes "chew chew"
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Kriegsspiel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #183 on: November 18, 2016, 09:01:57 PM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's laying in a hole next to a pile of gravel?

Phil.

Kitsunegari

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #184 on: November 19, 2016, 08:17:29 AM »
So, for whatever reason I really love misogynistic jokes, so here you go:

What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

What do you call a young bride with a black eye?
A fast learner.

Nothing happens in contrast with Nature, only in contradiction of what we know of it.

Kitsunegari

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #185 on: November 19, 2016, 08:22:12 AM »
Do you know why women don't need wristwatches?

There's a watch on the stove.
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geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #186 on: November 19, 2016, 10:01:46 AM »
I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar, but every time I open a door, a voice just says "go away".

MichaelB

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #187 on: November 19, 2016, 10:46:25 AM »
Well, Kitsunegari's jokes are less politically correct than the one I was hesitating on, so I'll just let it fly. :-)

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can use the other hand to moan.

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #188 on: November 19, 2016, 10:48:25 AM »
What do you call a pony's cough?

A little hoarse.
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Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #189 on: November 19, 2016, 10:25:44 PM »
So, for whatever reason I really love misogynistic jokes, so here you go:

What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

What do you call a young bride with a black eye?
A fast learner.

Boooo. dislike.

MOD NOTE: Shame free joke thread.  Please start a new topic if you'd like to discuss anything you find objectionable related to that: the merits of a particular joke, the merits of even having a shame free joke thread versus a moderated one that's kept "politically correct," etc.  Any of those are up for discussion, or your disapproval.  But not in this thread, do it in another one, to not clutter this.  Thanks!  :)

Note to MOD: I started this thread as a fun distraction from bad news in life and in that vein would encourage people to remain tasteful. The no-shame portion many pages up was about "getting" the joke. Feel free to delete this post entirely as you see fit for moderation purposes. :)
« Last Edit: November 20, 2016, 12:28:54 PM by Glenstache »

daverobev

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #190 on: November 20, 2016, 12:09:51 PM »
Stupid, or bad jokes? Ok... I know some old, bad ones.

Why is a woman like a washing machine?

They both leak when they are fucked

What's a blonde/<insert cliche of your choice>'s favourite wine?

Daaaddy, I want to go to Miami!

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accolay

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #191 on: November 21, 2016, 12:43:49 AM »
Why do blondes have sore belly buttons?

They have blonde boyfriends

MandalayVA

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #192 on: November 21, 2016, 01:20:50 AM »
Well, Kitsunegari's jokes are less politically correct than the one I was hesitating on, so I'll just let it fly. :-)

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can use the other hand to moan.

Oh, wow, I'd forgotten about that one.  It's still funny, too.

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy
or
Velcro
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Freckles

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #193 on: November 21, 2016, 01:27:20 AM »
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.

What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #194 on: November 21, 2016, 07:52:09 AM »
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day!

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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MandalayVA

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #195 on: November 21, 2016, 09:11:38 AM »
I was just reminded of an somewhat dated oldie but goodie:

Mother Teresa dies and immediately goes to heaven, where she is greeted rapturously.  St. Peter himself escorts her on the grand tour, but towards the end of the tour he notes that a halo can't be given to her just yet due to a back order situation at the halo factory that's been going on for a couple of weeks.  Mother Teresa, being Mother Teresa, nods serenely and says "I can wait, good Peter."

The next day, however, Mother Teresa is at St. Peter's office doors and she's PISSED.  "Halo shortage, my foot!" she yells at him.  "I just saw that harlot Princess Diana strutting about and SHE has a halo.  I gave my life to my God and spent my days among the poorest of the poor but must wait for my halo, while that overmade-up whore who only did charity work if she could get a photo op out of it ALREADY HAS A HALO!  I DEMAND ANSWERS!"

St. Peter remains calm.  "My dear Mother," he says, "that's not a halo.  That's a steering wheel."
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Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #196 on: November 21, 2016, 09:37:24 AM »
What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaaaaiiiiiiins!!

auntie_betty

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #197 on: November 21, 2016, 02:06:34 PM »
These are dreadful.

Posting to follow :)

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #198 on: November 21, 2016, 02:23:04 PM »
What do Israel and lemons have in common?

They both contain Hasidic Jews (acidic juice).


How many millenials does it take to change a light bulb?

One: he holds it in the socket and the world revolves around him.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #199 on: November 21, 2016, 04:34:00 PM »
Said the doctor to his patient: Your wife needs to stop those vinegar douches.  I'm afraid you have a pickled pecker, Peter.