Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 37794 times)

MrsWhipple

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #100 on: October 21, 2016, 03:37:45 PM »
There's no "I" in Denial.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Lol, had never heard these two. Fantastic!

Heywood57

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #101 on: October 21, 2016, 05:21:30 PM »

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way,
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #102 on: October 21, 2016, 06:18:03 PM »

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

"Everything you can fir in your mouth is edible (at least once)"
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

MrsWhipple

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #103 on: October 21, 2016, 07:46:33 PM »
You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

It's 2016, people don't need parachutes to skydive anymore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qF_fzEI4wU
This is a friend of a friend doing it; makes me piss my pants just watching!

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #104 on: October 21, 2016, 09:48:01 PM »


The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Eagles may soar high and proudly above the clouds, but conniving weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Cannot Wait!

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #105 on: October 21, 2016, 09:56:35 PM »
How do you keep an elephant from crawling under your door?

Tie a knot in it's tail.
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arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #106 on: October 21, 2016, 10:51:54 PM »
How do you keep an elephant from crawling under your door?

Tie a knot in it's tail.
I tried this, but it actually didn't stop them; they kept crawling under and then getting stuck.
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gooki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #107 on: October 22, 2016, 04:45:55 AM »
How do you get pikachu on a bus? Poke him on.
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dcamnc

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #108 on: October 22, 2016, 02:30:28 PM »
What kind of women do firefighters date?

Hose.

Financial.Velociraptor

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #109 on: October 22, 2016, 03:07:03 PM »
What do you call a cow with no legs?

GROUND beef.

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Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #110 on: October 23, 2016, 12:19:06 PM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.
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WootWoot

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #111 on: October 23, 2016, 12:47:48 PM »
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"



Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #112 on: October 23, 2016, 12:53:14 PM »
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads “Small medium at large.”

Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
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Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #113 on: October 23, 2016, 06:02:26 PM »
Why did the cheese thief pick up chips on the way home?
Because the guy chasing him kept yelling, "Hey, that's nat-cho cheese!"

Primm

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #114 on: October 23, 2016, 06:37:59 PM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.

yakamashii

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #115 on: October 23, 2016, 06:52:00 PM »
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaa! ♫

What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish.
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FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #116 on: October 24, 2016, 10:37:20 AM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #117 on: October 24, 2016, 10:45:58 AM »
Confucius says baseball makes no sense: Man with four balls cannot walk.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

MandalayVA

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #118 on: October 24, 2016, 11:08:29 AM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is, so I'll go with this:

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.  He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping to make your favorite dinner tonight.  Love you!"

Totally shocked by the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table and he asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.  Broke the coffee table, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? Isn't your mother mad?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you yelled 'LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!'"
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nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #119 on: October 24, 2016, 11:20:46 AM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
The rearranged the furniture.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

MandalayVA

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #120 on: October 24, 2016, 12:26:40 PM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
The rearranged the furniture.

They made her read the waffle iron also works here.
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FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #121 on: October 24, 2016, 01:07:26 PM »
Why did the projector blush?

It saw the filmstrip

Why was the tomato blushing?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

jambongris

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #122 on: October 24, 2016, 01:19:38 PM »
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #123 on: October 24, 2016, 01:30:22 PM »
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?

Ha!  I get it!  Must be making progress in this whole french language thing.

(in french, the word for "book" and "pound" are the same: livre)

Follow up joke:
What did the Quebec Salmon say when it went over the waterfall?
Oh, chute!
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Stachey

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #124 on: October 24, 2016, 01:51:58 PM »
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?


Here's another French/ English language one...

What is the French word for swimming pool?








Piscine
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jambongris

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #125 on: October 24, 2016, 02:08:48 PM »
Unintentional humour from a French/English bilingual toddler:

Daddy, how many books do I weigh?


Here's another French/ English language one...

What is the French word for swimming pool?



Piscine

Alright, French jokes it is.

There are two cats trying to swim across the English Channel; one English and one French. The two cats are named "one two three" and "un deux trois". Which cat made it across?

The "one two three" cat won because the "un deux trois" quatre cinq!

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #126 on: October 24, 2016, 06:53:34 PM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

Neil is also an acceptable answer.  I'd bust out some Helen Keller jokes but I'm afraid most people here would be too young to know who she is...

well I'll tell one...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her when she was a teenager?
The rearranged the furniture.

They made her read the waffle iron also works here.

Or after using it, they left the toilet plunger in.
We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, and now travel the world full time with a kid.
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We (occasionally) blog at AdventuringAlong.com.
You can also read my forum "Journal."

accolay

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #127 on: October 25, 2016, 01:48:37 AM »
Pony walks into a bar, says to the bartender (in whisper)
"Can I have a beer?"
Bartender asks, "why are you whispering?"
"I'm a little hoarse."

accolay

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #128 on: October 25, 2016, 01:49:31 AM »
Bear walks into a bar says,
"Can I have a........beer?"
Bartender asks, "why the long pause?"

Blindsquirrel

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #129 on: October 25, 2016, 06:48:01 PM »
 If a women with big boobs works at hooters, where does a woman with one leg work?






iHop

Please tip your waitstaff, I will be here all week. :)
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #130 on: October 27, 2016, 09:36:11 AM »
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #131 on: October 30, 2016, 09:45:07 PM »
How much room does a fungus need to grow?


As mushroom as possible.

calimom

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #132 on: October 31, 2016, 05:11:43 PM »
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #133 on: November 01, 2016, 11:43:49 AM »
What did Baby corn say to mommy Corn?



....Where is Popcorn?




What did the Mama cow say to the baby cow?



.....It's pasture bedtime!

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #134 on: November 01, 2016, 11:50:20 AM »
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey
(Say this one out loud)
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techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #135 on: November 01, 2016, 12:12:57 PM »
Watched the Lego movie with the kids the other day......


Seemed a bit pieced together to me.


Everything is Awesome!
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FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #136 on: November 01, 2016, 12:18:41 PM »
You wanna hear a dirty joke?


Little boy fell in the mud.

daverobev

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #137 on: November 01, 2016, 12:42:02 PM »
There are 10 kinds of people in this world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? snowballs
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The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #138 on: November 01, 2016, 05:05:37 PM »
The Invisible Man and the Invisible Woman had a family. The kids were nothing to look at.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #139 on: November 01, 2016, 05:14:17 PM »
The Invisible Man and the Invisible Woman had a family. The kids were nothing to look at.
I see what you did there.

sonjak

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #140 on: November 01, 2016, 08:33:52 PM »
Confucius say: hooker on bike pedal ass all over town.

The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #141 on: November 02, 2016, 05:19:52 AM »
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

(say it out loud)

gillstone

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #142 on: November 02, 2016, 10:08:52 AM »
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Car Jack

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #143 on: November 02, 2016, 01:18:53 PM »
Did you hear the latest huge merger?

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.

They're calling it Youtwitface.

WootWoot

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #144 on: November 02, 2016, 04:25:15 PM »
This is an old one.

A man is driving his car down the street, when he gets this overwhelming compulsion to run over a pedestrian. He tries to fight it, but he ends up swerving onto the sidewalk and running the guy over. He keeps going. "Whew, what came over me?" he says. A mile or so later, he sees another pedestrian. The same overwhelming urge comes over him, and he ends up running this guy over, too. He keeps driving on afterward.

A few miles later, he sees a priest hitchhiking at the side of the road. He pulls over to pick him up. The priest says he got a flat and needs a lift to a service station. They're rolling along, until the driver sees yet another pedestrian, gets the same terrible urge to run him over, and doesn't know what to do. "There's a priest in my car! I can't run anyone down!" Then he thinks, "Hmmm...maybe if I pretend I fell asleep at the wheel..."

So he closes his eyes and drops his head and he hears the terrible thump as he hits the pedestrian.

He opens his eyes, pretending to jerk awake, and says to the priest, "Oh, no! Father, tell me the truth: Did I hit someone?"

The priest says, "No, you missed him, but I got him with the door."



Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #145 on: November 02, 2016, 04:45:50 PM »
Reminds me of the one about the stuttering bible salesman. The manager was insistent on knowing how exactly he had sold enough bibles to be salesman of the year. After months of pressing questions, the salesman finally revealed his pitch:
<knock on door>
"Y-Y-Y-You w-w-w-w-ant to -b-bb-b-bb-buy it, o-o-o-or ya w-w-w-w-w-w-wanna h-h-h-h-hear m-m-m-m-me r-r-r-r-read it?"

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #146 on: November 02, 2016, 06:14:25 PM »
There are two types of people in the world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete information

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #147 on: November 02, 2016, 08:42:35 PM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #148 on: November 02, 2016, 08:43:10 PM »
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under your car?

Jack.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #149 on: November 02, 2016, 08:45:40 PM »
Try this one on your friends.  Best served once you're already laughing from the other jokes in this thread:

You:  Did you hear the latest Knock Knock joke?
Friend:  No.
You:  Okay, you start.
Friend:  Knock Knock.
You:  ...