Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 33634 times)

Glenstache

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Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« on: October 11, 2016, 09:52:08 AM »
Could definitely use some levity to cut through a bad day. Tell me your best stupid short jokes. Here's one to get it started:

A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, says, "Bartender, I'd like five beers."

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2016, 10:23:10 AM »
A baby seal walks into a club...

Proud Foot

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2016, 10:23:34 AM »
Two men walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2016, 10:41:55 AM »
circa 2012
an aspiring female politician is walking on the beach dreaming of her next campaign.  She trips on a lamp and a female genie pops out.
"I'll grant you three wishes" the genie says
"make my next opponent really, really offensive" - done.
"...and have him disagree with and attack members of his own party" - it shall be!
"...and make sure he's physically unattractive...an old, overweight white guy with a horrible comb-over and bad skin"

Poof!  2016.
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

cliffhanger

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2016, 11:07:01 AM »
Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.


TheOldestYoungMan

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2016, 11:33:26 AM »
In other news, Chevrolet recently announced they were closing their aquatics and aerospace divisions.  Apparently "like a rock" was a poor choice in brand-wide marketing.
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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2016, 12:24:01 PM »
Why does a flamingo stand with one leg off the ground?

Because if it stood with both legs off the ground, it'd fall down!
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radram

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2016, 01:17:21 PM »
How do you keep a mustachian in suspense?


posting to follow

Royale with Moustache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2016, 01:30:36 PM »
Did you hear Bob Barker finally died?

Yeah I guess he was walking to the store when he got run over by a BRAND NEW CAR!!!
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Mississippi Mudstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2016, 02:12:30 PM »
What happens when you run behind a car?

You get exhausted.
“There is scarcely anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse, and sell a little more cheaply. The person who buys on price alone is this man's lawful prey.” -John Ruskin

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nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2016, 02:20:24 PM »
Did you hear about the two peanuts who got on the subway?
One of them was assaulted! (a-Salt-ed)
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

ketchup

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2016, 03:11:07 PM »
What happens when you run behind a car?

You get exhausted.
And when you run in front of a car?

You get tired.

uppy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2016, 03:57:56 PM »
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

Also posting to follow :)

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2016, 05:58:51 PM »
Did you hear about that new pirate movie?
It's rated Arghhhhhh....

what's a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet?
(they answer R).
(close one eye, make a hook and speak out of the corner of you mouth) You think it's the arghh but it's the sea!

snare drum. curtain.

Dee

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2016, 06:26:51 PM »
You can never explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.

radram

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2016, 06:44:59 PM »
How do you keep a mustachian in suspense?


posting to follow

Sorry, I don't have time to post the punchline today.  Maybe tomorrow.

nobodyspecial

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2016, 09:02:50 PM »
3 dyslexics walk into a bra

Sailor Sam

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2016, 09:06:21 PM »
How do you sneak up on a special rabbit?
Unique up on on it.

Greenway52

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2016, 09:09:15 PM »
Q: Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies washroom?

A: To boldly go where no man has been before.

Primm

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2016, 09:18:00 PM »
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

Primm

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2016, 09:18:36 PM »
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

sisto

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #23 on: October 11, 2016, 10:05:30 PM »
What is it called when an astronaut has athlete's foot. Missile toe

So these two lions were eating a clown and one said to the other does this taste funny to you.
Jack of all trades, master of none

radram

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #24 on: October 11, 2016, 10:29:44 PM »
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #25 on: October 11, 2016, 11:25:21 PM »
(This one requires sound effects...)

Two whales went to a bar for a couple of beers.

One of them said to the other: [Here, the joke teller makes a long, weird noise that sounds like whale song... the longer the better]

The other one said: Dude, you are WASTED!
...it's not at all alarming that people have started quoting me in their siggy lines.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #26 on: October 11, 2016, 11:56:48 PM »
A guy has a stray cat come up, and he didn't like cats, so he picks it up, drives it out into the country and releases it.

He gets home, and the cat is curled up on the porch.

So the next day, he takes the cat several counties over and lets it go.

Pulling into his driveway, there sits the cat.

So the next day, he packs up the cat and drives out into the wilderness. He follows tiny dirt roads, off into the woods where the tracks are hard to see and keeps driving until hours later he arrives in a small clearing and gets out and releases the cat.

He turns around and drives off, but after a few hours, he stops and calls home. His wife answers.

"Hey hon, is that cat back on the front porch?"

The wife looks out "Oh, yes! He's sitting right by the door!"

So the husband sighs and says, "Well could you put him on the phone? I'm lost as hell and I need directions."

I frequently have no idea what I'm talking about. Like now.

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arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #27 on: October 12, 2016, 12:09:37 AM »
Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was intense.



Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
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Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #28 on: October 12, 2016, 12:14:21 AM »
Yes to all of these jokes.

marty998

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #29 on: October 12, 2016, 01:21:55 AM »
Members of the Flat Earth Society can be found all around the world.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #30 on: October 12, 2016, 02:15:13 AM »
A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender tells him "Hey buddy, you gotta leave; we don't serve string in here!"

So the string goes outside, ties itself into a half hitch, and rolls around on the ground until its ends were all messy. Then goes right back into the bar.

"Hey buddy - didn't I tell you we don't serve string in here?"

The string answers back, "I'm a frayed knot!"
I frequently have no idea what I'm talking about. Like now.

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cliffhanger

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #31 on: October 12, 2016, 06:05:55 AM »
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no fucking idea.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #32 on: October 12, 2016, 09:11:55 AM »
Members of the Flat Earth Society can be found all around the world.

Globe.

Heywood57

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #33 on: October 12, 2016, 10:06:43 AM »

Dyslexia affects every three out of two people

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #34 on: October 12, 2016, 10:12:33 AM »
How do you keep a mustachian in suspense?


posting to follow

Sorry, I don't have time to post the punchline today.  Maybe tomorrow.
oh good... posting to follow...
"Do not confuse complexity with superiority"

Sailor Sam

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #35 on: October 12, 2016, 11:06:59 AM »
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his britches, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender eyeballs him, and says 'You've got a wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

No Name Guy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #36 on: October 12, 2016, 01:36:40 PM »
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender asks "Why such the long face?"

Spork

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2016, 01:48:13 PM »
How do you sneak up on a special rabbit?
Unique up on on it.

How do you catch a trained rabbit?
Tame way.
Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight

meerkat

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #38 on: October 12, 2016, 02:01:27 PM »
What is something brown and sticky?

A stick.
meer journal for a meerkat

Will this matter in ten years?

Goldielocks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #39 on: October 12, 2016, 02:05:22 PM »
You can never explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.

+1000!
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #40 on: October 12, 2016, 02:10:22 PM »
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean.

------

How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't, you get down off a duck.
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marty998

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #41 on: October 12, 2016, 02:22:52 PM »
Members of the Flat Earth Society can be found all around the world.

Globe.

Dang. Can't even tell a joke properly these days.

Feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe :/

Royale with Moustache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #42 on: October 12, 2016, 03:02:47 PM »
What is something brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's Brown and Rhymes With Snoop?

Dr. Dre
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CowboyAndIndian

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #43 on: October 12, 2016, 03:25:58 PM »
What's the difference between a circus and whorehouse?

One's full of cunning stunts, other is full of stunning c***ts

(Sorry, If anyone is offended, will remove this one)

Landlady

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #44 on: October 12, 2016, 03:40:23 PM »
What do you call a baby quail?












A quaalude.

arebelspy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #45 on: October 12, 2016, 06:10:02 PM »
How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't, you get down off a duck.

First one I haven't gotten.

Gonna declare this thread shame free, if you miss a pun, okay to say so.  :D

Though just as I was typing this, the wife solved it (down in the second sentence==what you use in pillows).  Still going to click post anyways, in case someone else missed this one, or to mention it's okay to be confused.  :P

(I will probably replace "off" with "from" when I retell the down joke.  The "Globe" was a good edit for the flat earth one.)
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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #46 on: October 12, 2016, 06:16:30 PM »
How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't, you get down off a duck.

First one I haven't gotten.

Gonna declare this thread shame free, if you miss a pun, okay to say so.  :D

Though just as I was typing this, the wife solved it (down in the second sentence==what you use in pillows).  Still going to click post anyways, in case someone else missed this one, or to mention it's okay to be confused.  :P

(I will probably replace "off" with "from" when I retell the down joke.  The "Globe" was a good edit for the flat earth one.)

I like the no shame rule. I didn't get the following:

What do you call a baby quail?

A quaalude.
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MrsWhipple

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #47 on: October 12, 2016, 06:22:44 PM »
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

MandalayVA

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #48 on: October 12, 2016, 06:42:57 PM »
An oldie but a goodie from Rodney Dangerfield:

I walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Make me a zombie!"

The bartender looked back at me and said, "Too late, God already did."
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FIREdancer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #49 on: October 12, 2016, 08:31:20 PM »
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a pink elephant?
Hold its nose 'til it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.