Author Topic: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109  (Read 7992 times)

shelivesthedream

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #100 on: February 27, 2017, 02:27:09 PM »
Do you think you could "fake it until you make it" with your son? You may not feel respect for him or his maturity, but perhaps if you pretend to treat him as an adult and equal, asking him what he thinks is the best thing to do, he might start acting more like one.

+1 to considering this. As my father always used to say, you can't have all the rights and none of the responsibilities. Only you can guess how this might go down with your son, but it's worth thinking about.

KBecks

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #101 on: February 27, 2017, 03:06:09 PM »
You can do this.  Live in the NOW -- I read your list of disappointments, and I hear that you are tired.   Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery - today is a gift and that's why it's called the present.  Do not dwell or have a pity party.  I know you are hurting, but you can be strong.  Let the little things slide off you -- don't let your son's immature behavior and insults stick to you.  You are a good parent, your husband is a good parent.  See a lawyer, take this one step at a time and be calm and cool.  You can do it, don't let yourself get caught up in the drama, that is a trap.

Cassie

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #102 on: February 27, 2017, 03:59:37 PM »

Years ago we went through some challenging stuff with 2 of our 3 teens and I can tell you I absolutely day dreamed frequently about running away.  YOu have way too much on your plate and I am so sorry.  At one time I was a social worker for CPS and if the parents were unfit then we would look to the grandparents to see if anyone was interested in the child and then if they were qualified to take custody. If not then we would look for an outside adoption once the parents rights were terminated or they voluntarily gave them up.  This process usually took a year. In your situation I would not even consider taking the baby. If your son could do it with minimal support from you that would be fine but I doubt it would work out.  you have 4 ids and 2 disabled so your hands are full. I feel so sorry for the baby and hope that CPS will get involved but if she continues the baby will probably have fetal alcohol syndrome and a lifetime of problems.  FAS causes impulse control issues, lying, unable to understand consequences, etc. Taking a baby with all those issues on top of your own kids would be too much. I hope you can get some individual therapy because you are in a impossible situation and you need support and help.  Sending you a giant hug:))

HappierAtHome

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #103 on: February 27, 2017, 04:26:27 PM »
My4fireflies, I recommend starting a journal over in that section of the forum if you're feeling alone and like you need someone to talk to. I think you'll find that there are a whole heap of supportive, sympathetic, intelligent and damned funny people over there who'll be a supportive and encouraging ear for you when you need someone to listen.

Metric Mouse

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #104 on: February 27, 2017, 07:02:53 PM »
Lots of supportive thoughts coming your way.
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electriceagle

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #105 on: March 05, 2017, 09:10:47 PM »
I'm going to take my optomist hat off and put my pessirealist hat on.

First, stop trying to control interactions between your kid and the unfortunate mother-to-be. He is going to sleep at her house when he wants to. Its a battle that you have already lost; theres no point in throwing more resources and time into it.

If she has the baby and it is his, they will end up in some sort of relationship. It could be a relationship of love, a relationship of hate or a relationship of muddling along. You might as well let them spend time together and start shaking that out.

Be careful with the idea of pushing criminal charges against her. The outcomes that I see include: mother in jail, mother filing retaliatory charges, or nothing. Of these, the best outcome is nothing.

Next, it is time for you to strategize.

Write down the possible outcomes from this in order from most to least desired. Now cross off the outcomes that are self-contradictory or otherwise impossible.

Now get out several sheets of paper. With one outcome on each sheet, write down the steps that must take place for your five most favored outcomes to occur. Also, write down the steps that must take place for your three least favored outcomes to occur.

Throw away any outcomes that require steps that are impossible.

Once you have your top outcomes to achieve and avoid, as well as the steps that they contain, go and talk to a lawyer. Since you know what you want, you can ask the lawyer to help you achieve it.

Good luck. You need it. Pray to the goddess Anoia and do your best with the knowledge that it may not be enough, and thats ok.

Metric Mouse

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #106 on: March 06, 2017, 02:07:06 AM »
I love the actionable advice.
Give me one fine day of plain sailing weather and I can mess up anything.

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Dicey

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #107 on: March 06, 2017, 02:17:48 AM »
I love the actionable advice.
Me, too! Nice response, ee!

Oh, m4ff, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I am awed by your strength and courage.
I did it! I have a journal!
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Mezzie

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #108 on: March 06, 2017, 02:38:53 AM »
Sometimes you have to pick your battles. I think the sleeping over one has already been lost, unfortunately. I'm not saying you have to condone it, but you can make it not a nightly fight by just telling your son next time, "You know my answer, and I know yours. Instead of this fight every night, please keep calling so we know how and where you are and so you know this is always your home when you're ready." Or something like that. Not having to deal with the nightly tantrum may give you the moment of calm you need to follow the excellent advice by electriceagle.

Your son is a confused kid in a stressful situation and an abusive relationship. One less fight with you daily may very well give him some clarity and remind him your home is a better place than hers.

My advice may very well suck, but it's the only place I see to reduce stress at this stage. As someone else said, if you have access to EAP, please call.
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my4fireflies

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#95
« Reply #109 on: March 10, 2017, 04:39:18 PM »
We had court today. I was told by my court contact that if I didn't report his out of control behavior and dcf caught wind of my "neglect" I could be at risk of my youngest facing removal. I needed a "paper trail" to prove that I am TRYING to help our son. At court he was told to follow curfew or be removed from our house and become a ward of the state. I give him a week. The girlfriend HATES us (though we have never met). She is filling his head with hatred for us and what horrible parents we are......using thia mess he is in as proof?!??! Crazy-making. I give him a week or so of towing the line. His ONLY house rule is to be in by 11pm on weekdays and 12am on weekends. That's it. The probation dept court ordered him to GED classes and to find part time or fulltime employment.

Cassie

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109
« Reply #110 on: March 10, 2017, 05:07:48 PM »
As a former SW your court contact was correct. Your son will have to suffer the natural consequences if he does not follow the rules since he is a minor. We went through something similar with our youngest son at the age of 16 minus the pregnancy. He turned out fine and now has a Master's degree, etc. He did have to go to an out of home placement for not following the rules for 8 months and that straightened him out and he was glad to get back home.

Vapour

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109
« Reply #111 on: March 10, 2017, 09:38:08 PM »
I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this and my heart goes out to you.  You have been put in an extremely difficult situation and you're doing the best you can.  Reading the list of everything you've been through was heart breaking.  It's way more than most people will deal with in a lifetime and you are a strong person for making it through all that.  I'm sure it's worn you down and the fact that you keep fighting for your son despite all the difficulties is commendable.  You are a good mother.  Make sure you don't forget that!

I don't have any advice to give you, other than to make sure you're taking care of yourself in this difficult time.  I can only imagine the amount of stress in your life which affects your own well being.  Definitely feel free to keep venting here, but maybe consider seeing a counselor/therapist as well.  We're all pulling for you here.  I wish you and your family all the best.

iris lily

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109
« Reply #112 on: March 11, 2017, 08:43:12 PM »
I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this and my heart goes out to you.  You have been put in an extremely difficult situation and you're doing the best you can.  Reading the list of everything you've been through was heart breaking.  It's way more than most people will deal with in a lifetime and you are a strong person for making it through all that.  I'm sure it's worn you down and the fact that you keep fighting for your son despite all the difficulties is commendable.  You are a good mother.  Make sure you don't forget that!

I don't have any advice to give you, other than to make sure you're taking care of yourself in this difficult time.  I can only imagine the amount of stress in your life which affects your own well being.  Definitely feel free to keep venting here, but maybe consider seeing a counselor/therapist as well.  We're all pulling for you here.  I wish you and your family all the best.
Yes, this! OP, we are all thinking about you.

Tasty Pinecones

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109
« Reply #113 on: March 12, 2017, 12:15:40 PM »
Is there not a situation where the court might issue a restraining order against this woman who is being such a bad influence on your minor son?

LizzyBee

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Re: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109
« Reply #114 on: March 24, 2017, 03:16:39 PM »
I'm so sorry for our situation. It sounds utterly exhausting. You may want to consider (either alone or with your husband) what self-are and healthy boundaries looks like in this situation. Is there something you can do to take care of your own needs, even if it's just a 30 min walk a couple times a week? Can you and your husband go on a cheap date? But, even more importantly, can you have an honest conversation with your husband about what healthy financial and emotional boundaries look like? I think it's okay if you don't want to eventually take custody of your grand child, or if you don't want to or can't pay for all of the pre-natal care. I am sure that sounds cold. There is so much out of your control right now, and maybe there can be relief in letting go of some of that control.