Author Topic: Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109  (Read 7993 times)

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109
« on: February 19, 2017, 10:25:00 PM »
My 16 year old son just told me his gf is pregnant. Please, no judgement. I'm looking for some support, advice, pitfalls, experience? I can't discuss this with anyone IRL yet.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2017, 04:39:44 PM by my4fireflies »

marty998

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4161
  • Location: Sydney, Oz
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2017, 11:26:48 PM »
It was probably super difficult for him to work up the courage to tell you. However worried you are about it him and the GF are probably more worried.

What's done is done... I reckon you need to get him, her, her parents and you and your spouse in a room together and discuss options in a rational and non-judgemental way. Don't be the ones to lose your cool in that meeting.

Sooner the better.

mxt0133

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1283
  • Location: San Francisco
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2017, 12:19:57 AM »
Not speaking from a perspective of a parent, my oldest is only 6, but I have experience as a teenager where  some of my friends went through this.  It's been a few years since high school and I have kept in touch with some of them.

Some parents were very supportive, emotionally and financially, while others were kicked out of the house.  Imagine being in the same position he is in and then also loosing the support of parents, that would be traumatizing.  There's really no way to sugar coat it, but it is going to be a really tough time for your son, his adolescence is over and he will be thrust into adulthood whether he is ready or not.  This assumes that he will be taking responsibly for the child.  It will be tough for him to as he sees his friends go of to college and live carefree lives.  Even his closes friends will start to drift away as they will no longer have much  The sooner your son realizes that his days of hanging out and partying are over the easier it will be for him. 


If it were my child I would do my best to let him know that his life is not over so to speak.  It just wont be the traditional one you see in the movies.  Some of my friends are living healthy and happy lives now.  It took a lot of work and struggle but they got through it much stronger than some, however it is the exception.  I can't imagine turning my back on my child if this were to happen, but I would not bear full responsibility for their actions either.

I'd be interested if you ever thought about this situation and how you would theoretically react vs how you are feeling now?

One positive is that the potential to have grand kids or great grand kids is much more likely.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2017, 12:53:52 AM by mxt0133 »

HappierAtHome

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4875
  • Location: Australia
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2017, 12:31:27 AM »
It was probably super difficult for him to work up the courage to tell you. However worried you are about it him and the GF are probably more worried.

What's done is done... I reckon you need to get him, her, her parents and you and your spouse in a room together and discuss options in a rational and non-judgemental way. Don't be the ones to lose your cool in that meeting.

Sooner the better.

This is great advice.

I think a good starting point would be to think about what options you could support him with. If he and his girlfriend wanted to terminate, would you be willing to help them financially with that, and maybe pay for counselling afterwards to minimise the longer term psychological impact? Or if they want to keep the baby, are you in a position to offer to care for the child while they attend school and later, college, or could you potentially assist them in paying for childcare so that they can complete their schooling?

I agree with other posters that it doesn't have to be the end of the world for them. I know quite a few people who had unplanned kids very young. The ones who went on to be successful by external measures (finished school and uni, bought houses, got married, etc) were the ones whose parents gave them significant hands-on help with zero judgement of the mistakes made in getting pregnant.

Villanelle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1693
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2017, 12:45:07 AM »
I think sitting down with your spouse and deciding what the two of you are willing to support, and specifically what support you'd be willing and able to give in each scenario, is probably the best way so start.  Once you have that, convey it to your son and then meet with her and her parents is they are amenable.


MerryMcQ

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 110
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2017, 01:43:13 AM »
How about starting by giving your son a big hug and telling him and his girlfriend that you know it's terrifying right now, but they are not alone, they have you, and that no matter what, you love him?

former player

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2073
  • Location: Avalon
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2017, 02:44:01 AM »
Your son and his girlfriend need unbiased, professional advice.  Putting aside whatever views you may personally have (not your baby, not your place to have views) please either get them an appointment at a pregnancy advice clinic (one that is unbiased and includes all the options in its advice) or give your son and his girlfriend the information they need in order to get an appointment.  Please be prepared to get them there if there is not one within easy distance.  Please respect whatever choice they make without putting any pressure on them.

I'm actually not very worried about your son here: he will likely finish his education and be mainly unaffected by this.  I'm much more worried about his girlfriend (I'm assuming she is about the same age) who is at enormous risk of dropping out of high school and living in lifelong poverty.
Be frugal and industrious, and you will be free (Ben Franklin)

Mezzie

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 390
    • Mezzie Learns
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2017, 03:21:19 AM »
I teach in a high school and have seen a fair number of teen parents. There's no way around the fact that it's tough, but with teachers and parents in supportive (but not indulgent) roles, they usually get through all right. The GF will have a much harder time, of course. I've only rarely had teen fathers miss due to lack of sleep, sick baby, etc. Often that is because the father is rarely helping. If they choose to keep the baby, please encourage him to do his part, even if the romantic relationship ends.
http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/preparing-for-forced-early-retirement-due-to-disability/

Join my ibotta team for rebates: https://ibotta.com/r/bdtnbyj

Join my Shopkick team so we can start a Vespa gang (or you can get more practical gift cards...if you think those are better than a Vespa for some reason): https://app.shopkick.com/r/3eNYBE

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2017, 06:25:39 AM »
Thank you everyone. I was in such shock last night I couldn't go into detail. The details suck. A lot. They have been dating since mid-December. My son is 16 and stopped going to school in November. Not a surprise, as he has learning and emotional issues, it's been a huge struggle to keep him in school this long. His gf will be turning 22 next week. I haven't met her yet because I have been against this relationship and I had hoped she would get bored with him or realize at 16 he doesn't have much to offer.
 I found out about the pg via a FB post on his wall. Several people were congratulating them. I asked him about the posts. He confirmed that it's true. He also told me she is unmedicated bi-polar and he's afraid of her at times.  The gf's father is a heroin user and the gf's mother is struggling to raise her other two boys in that environment. The gf still lives at home and is unemployed. I feel like the only sane one in the bunch.
My husband has been having health issues due to stress (extremely high blood pressure, on edge, miserable DAILY, gastrointestinal issues brought on by stress). I haven't told him yet. I'm worried that this will just be too much on top of what has been a slow build to an emotional breakdown.
 My son says that the gf said termination is NOT an option. I understand that I have no say, not my baby. I do foresee the state having to get involved and my home being the best option. I'm not thrilled, but I don't see any other option right now. According to my son, her mental health issues are making her unable to be objective.
On a positive note,he has applied for several jobs and cleaned his room. 😉
« Last Edit: February 20, 2017, 08:11:15 AM by my4fireflies »

former player

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2073
  • Location: Avalon
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2017, 06:35:24 AM »
Oh lord, I'm sorry: that's a pretty rotten collection of circumstances.

A single mother with unmedicated bipolar who has been abusive to the child's father and is living with a heroin user is a prime candidate for having her child taken away at birth and given up for adoption.  Which, sadly, might be the best option.
Be frugal and industrious, and you will be free (Ben Franklin)

teen persuasion

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 837
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2017, 07:21:32 AM »
Any chance you could encourage the GF to begin prenatal medical checkups?  Emphasize that it's for the baby's well-being, and the sooner they start the better.  Then let the doctor handle the medical advice-giving.

This could turn out better than it looks right now - if they are invested in the child's well-being, it could be the nudge it takes to get DS and GF to grow up, fly right, and think of someone other than themselves (i.e., do things for the sake of their child).

craiglepaige

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 527
  • Location: Ohio
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2017, 07:34:59 AM »
Thank you everyone. I was in such shock last night I couldn't go into detail. The details suck. A lot. They have been dating since mid-December. My son is 16 and stopped going to school in November. Not a surprise, as he has learning and emotional issues, it's been a huge struggle to keep him in school this long. His gf will be turning 22 next week. I haven't met her yet because I have been against this relationship and I had hoped she would get bored with him or realize at 16 he doesn't have much to offer.
 I found out about the pg via a FB post on his wall. Several people were congratulating them. I asked him about the posts. He confirmed that it's true. He also told me she is unmedicated bi-polar and he's afraid of her. The gf's father is a heroin user and the mother is struggling to raise her other two boys in that environment. I feel like the only sane one in the bunch.
My husband has been having health issues due to stress (extremely high blood pressure, on edge, miserable DAILY, gastrointestinal issues brought on by stress). I haven't told him yet. I'm worried that this will just be too much on top of what has been a slow build to an emotional breakdown.
 My son says that the gf said termination is NOT an option. I understand that I have no say, not my baby. I do foresee the state having to get involved and my home being the best option. I'm not thrilled, but I don't see any other option right now. According to my son, her mental health issues are making her unable to be objective.
On a positive note,he has applied for several jobs and cleaned his room. 😉


Oh wow this situation went from almost "normal" by today's standards (see 16 And Pregnant) to an almost "worst case scenario"...  I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

Considering the GF's home situation, bringing her into your house would seem the best option but I would recommend not doing so. According to your son, she's not mentally stable at the moment and with your husband's condition, bringing in such a volatile person would be troublesome.

I would highly recommend reaching out to a social/service worker for further assistance and help in your situation.

Best of luck!!!
-The conqueror will always become a slave to his conquest.
-Don't ever mistake wealth for worth.

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2017, 07:41:25 AM »
They have had the same probation officer at different times. (This story just gets better and better, riiiight?) She has been a wonderful resource for me in the past. Maybe I will reach out to her and see if she can point me in the right direction. Sigh. I'm asking DS to come home for supper and tell his father before he finds out through the grapevine.

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2017, 07:45:22 AM »
In addition to my troubled 16 yo ds, I have 2 autistic 19 year olds and a 13 year old daughter. I cant invite an unmedicated aggressive confrontational  pg woman with the mental/emotional capacity of a 14 year old to live here.

craiglepaige

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 527
  • Location: Ohio
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2017, 07:56:46 AM »
In addition to my troubled 16 yo ds, I have 2 autistic 19 year olds and a 13 year old daughter. I cant invite an unmedicated aggressive confrontational  pg woman with the mental/emotional capacity of a 14 year old to live here.

Completely true.

Unfortunately your son got involved with the wrong person and now the burden is falling on you and your family.

Please reach out to the probation officer and ask for any help/guidance/contacts possible.
-The conqueror will always become a slave to his conquest.
-Don't ever mistake wealth for worth.

MandalayVA

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1361
  • Location: Richmond VA
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2017, 08:18:39 AM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.   
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."  Hunter S. Thompson

"I do understand though, it seems everyone wants us to be incensed or outraged at all times. It's pretty tiring now..."  Devin Townsend

Follow my road here:  The Road To Mandalay



Lyssa

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 470
  • Location: Germany
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2017, 09:18:42 AM »
Should she really be pregnant this really is quite a mess...

I concur that she might not be and may have made it up to get love and attention. Or just attention. After all she made it to 22 without getting pregnant. Most genuine 'oopses' are earlier...

Should this thing be real I would try to be very amicable while she is pregnant in order not to trigger any (additional) 'self-medication' during pregnancy. After the baby is born and if CPS does not take it right away I would watch the situation like a hawk and if it does go wrong (it most certainly will...) try to get the kid out as soon as possible. Either to you or a third party. I would honestly not expect to much involvement in parenting from your son. If it happens, it would be against massive odds... If the child ends up with you maybe he can grow into his role as a father over the years. If you can't get or don't want custody (which would be totally legitimate) then maybe your son needs to learn the though lesson that putting a child up for adoption can be the responsible choice...

If the girlfriend gets to keep the child and does not turn her life around there is no useful advise I can offer... There is research that one ore a few positive influences can make a real difference in a child's life but I imagine it must be incredibly hard for those 'influences' to try their very best and making an impact while observing the general mess...

I really hope this is just a desperate attempt to get attention and keep your son around...

Kris

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2156
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2017, 09:20:49 AM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.
"Well I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."   - David St. Hubins, This is Spinal Tap

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2017, 09:25:23 AM »
I'm pretty sure it's true, as he went with her to the store and bought 2 pg tests, both came up positive. She had a little spotting and they both went to the ER yesterday because she has no primary care doc. Doc told her and DS that the spotting was within normal, she's still PG, and not to worry. I would love nothing more than for this to be an elaborate hoax.

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2017, 09:30:44 AM »
I gently approached the subject of DNA with DS. I will insist later on.

Gin1984

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4105
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2017, 09:58:56 AM »
Thank you everyone. I was in such shock last night I couldn't go into detail. The details suck. A lot. They have been dating since mid-December. My son is 16 and stopped going to school in November. Not a surprise, as he has learning and emotional issues, it's been a huge struggle to keep him in school this long. His gf will be turning 22 next week. I haven't met her yet because I have been against this relationship and I had hoped she would get bored with him or realize at 16 he doesn't have much to offer.
 I found out about the pg via a FB post on his wall. Several people were congratulating them. I asked him about the posts. He confirmed that it's true. He also told me she is unmedicated bi-polar and he's afraid of her at times.  The gf's father is a heroin user and the gf's mother is struggling to raise her other two boys in that environment. The gf still lives at home and is unemployed. I feel like the only sane one in the bunch.
My husband has been having health issues due to stress (extremely high blood pressure, on edge, miserable DAILY, gastrointestinal issues brought on by stress). I haven't told him yet. I'm worried that this will just be too much on top of what has been a slow build to an emotional breakdown.
 My son says that the gf said termination is NOT an option. I understand that I have no say, not my baby. I do foresee the state having to get involved and my home being the best option. I'm not thrilled, but I don't see any other option right now. According to my son, her mental health issues are making her unable to be objective.
On a positive note,he has applied for several jobs and cleaned his room. 😉
Please check if it is statutory rape for the 22 year old to have sex with a 16 year old in your state.

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #21 on: February 20, 2017, 10:04:00 AM »

Please check if it is statutory rape for the 22 year old to have sex with a 16 year old in your state.

Age of consent is 16 yo in my state. She is the older sister of one of his friends. Since there is such a big age difference I didn't get wise to the relationship until mid Jan. Age of consent was the FIRST thing I checked in hopes that I could use the law to keep them apart.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2017, 10:11:08 AM by my4fireflies »

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2017, 10:08:19 AM »


Oh wow this situation went from almost "normal" by today's standards (see 16 And Pregnant) to an almost "worst case scenario"...  I'm terribly, terribly sorry.


Is there another thread on this? Mustachians are logical people so I'm coming here for support. I don't need a teen pg-drama filled message board. KWIM?

craiglepaige

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 527
  • Location: Ohio
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #23 on: February 20, 2017, 10:55:33 AM »


Oh wow this situation went from almost "normal" by today's standards (see 16 And Pregnant) to an almost "worst case scenario"...  I'm terribly, terribly sorry.


Is there another thread on this? Mustachians are logical people so I'm coming here for support. I don't need a teen pg-drama filled message board. KWIM?


No, no other thread about this topic that I know off. That was just my mind understanding your position and how in my head, with the lack of details in the first post, it was an almost normal occurrence (both my brothers had kids in high school) to then learning about the complete backstory of the people involved and how troublesome it has now become.

I think MMM is a great forum for any type of issue. We have an undoubtedly large group of really smart people who are always willing to help.
-The conqueror will always become a slave to his conquest.
-Don't ever mistake wealth for worth.

Mezzie

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 390
    • Mezzie Learns
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #24 on: February 20, 2017, 12:41:17 PM »
Oh, wow. That is a much messier situation than I originally inderstood.

I wish I had some useful advice. My first thought was age of consent (that is not AT ALL legal in my state), but you already addressed that.

I hope things work out the best way possible.
http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/preparing-for-forced-early-retirement-due-to-disability/

Join my ibotta team for rebates: https://ibotta.com/r/bdtnbyj

Join my Shopkick team so we can start a Vespa gang (or you can get more practical gift cards...if you think those are better than a Vespa for some reason): https://app.shopkick.com/r/3eNYBE

Cwadda

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1279
  • Age: 22
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #25 on: February 20, 2017, 12:51:28 PM »
Quote
A single mother with unmedicated bipolar who has been abusive to the child's father and is living with a heroin user is a prime candidate for having her child taken away at birth and given up for adoption.  Which, sadly, might be the best option.

To me, this also seems like the best option. It could be best for all parties, but certainly wouldn't come without pain.

RangerOne

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 501
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #26 on: February 20, 2017, 03:01:25 PM »
I would honestly say you need to get legal advise right away so that you know how to protect your son. And possibly how to protect the baby from being brought into a broken home like that if that becomes a concern for either of you.

Good legal advise and working with the state early is the best chance you have to avoid having outcomes forced upon you our your son. They can help you understand possible outcomes and how you can reach the best possible one for your family. You may also unfortunately want to consider getting you and your family away from the GF and her family if things devolve to protect your son from further involvement.

Because of the state of the girls family and if there is hard evidence she has a mental disorder its possible the state could move to take the baby at birth. In which case I don't believe they would ever ask for you to take care of of the child. They would most likely want to put the child up for adoption, which would honestly probably be the best outcome possible for the child unless you desire otherwise. This is primarily why you need to consult a lawyer to determine how your state handles situations like this.

Depending on how it all goes you may also want to seek some consoling for you son if he shows any signs of being distressed after the situation is resolved and you feel you aren't able to help him work through things yourself.

Best of wishes, to you and your family and I am sorry you have to deal with such an unexpected challenge.

iowajes

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4174
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #27 on: February 20, 2017, 03:10:27 PM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.

Quite honestly, I'd consider requesting it BEFORE the child is born. It can be done through an amnio, which isn't as high risk as a lot of people make them out to be.  Especially if she is going to want him to cover any pregnancy expenses, or to sign the birth certificate.

I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.  This situation sounds way messier than the thread title implies at all.  And anytime you talk to a lawyer, stop posting anything on the internet.

Kris

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2156
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #28 on: February 20, 2017, 03:30:33 PM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.

Quite honestly, I'd consider requesting it BEFORE the child is born. It can be done through an amnio, which isn't as high risk as a lot of people make them out to be.  Especially if she is going to want him to cover any pregnancy expenses, or to sign the birth certificate.

I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.  This situation sounds way messier than the thread title implies at all.  And anytime you talk to a lawyer, stop posting anything on the internet.

Ah. Yes, this. I didn't know it could be done before the child is born. Frankly, I would absolutely insist on having this done before anything else occurs. Which I would say you should be able to do as he is a minor, yes? (I don't know about this.)
"Well I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."   - David St. Hubins, This is Spinal Tap

iowajes

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4174
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #29 on: February 20, 2017, 03:43:58 PM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.

Quite honestly, I'd consider requesting it BEFORE the child is born. It can be done through an amnio, which isn't as high risk as a lot of people make them out to be.  Especially if she is going to want him to cover any pregnancy expenses, or to sign the birth certificate.

I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.  This situation sounds way messier than the thread title implies at all.  And anytime you talk to a lawyer, stop posting anything on the internet.

Ah. Yes, this. I didn't know it could be done before the child is born. Frankly, I would absolutely insist on having this done before anything else occurs. Which I would say you should be able to do as he is a minor, yes? (I don't know about this.)

I don't know how much you can force someone into a medical procedure...but you can certainly try.

Kris

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2156
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #30 on: February 20, 2017, 04:15:12 PM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.

Quite honestly, I'd consider requesting it BEFORE the child is born. It can be done through an amnio, which isn't as high risk as a lot of people make them out to be.  Especially if she is going to want him to cover any pregnancy expenses, or to sign the birth certificate.

I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.  This situation sounds way messier than the thread title implies at all.  And anytime you talk to a lawyer, stop posting anything on the internet.

Ah. Yes, this. I didn't know it could be done before the child is born. Frankly, I would absolutely insist on having this done before anything else occurs. Which I would say you should be able to do as he is a minor, yes? (I don't know about this.)

I don't know how much you can force someone into a medical procedure...but you can certainly try.

True. Surely, if nothing else, you can tell someone that you will not have anything further to do with the pregnancy or the childbirth before proof that the child is yours is offered. I know this is complicated by the fact that this kid is in theory still with the woman, but if he is afraid of her, it sounds like maybe he doesn't want to be. (And in most cases I would suggest trying to make it work, but this whole situation has about a .00001% chance of working out with the two of them staying together and raising this child together.)
"Well I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."   - David St. Hubins, This is Spinal Tap

Villanelle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1693
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #31 on: February 21, 2017, 01:03:59 AM »
Is it possible the refusal to even consider abortion is an largely a financial one--she may see dollar signs for 18 years of child support not realizing it will likely cost her more to raise the child than she will get in support. If it's about the money for her, rather than the ethics of abortion, that's something to think about.  I hesitate to post more, lest we get in to the subject of abortion and derail this. 

And I'd be consulting a lawyer.  If this pregnancy is carried to term, there is NWIH I'd want my imaginary grandkid to be raised by this woman, from the sounds of it. 

I'm sorry that you are your family are dealing with this mess. 

Dicey

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4496
  • Age: 59
  • Location: NorCal
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #32 on: February 21, 2017, 01:51:29 AM »
Oh, shit. Following just to offer words of support. And to second that it's fine to bring your worries here for practical advice and encouragement.

Figuring all this out is going to be damned difficult, so ask away. I am so sorry you've been handed these particular shoes to walk in.
I did it! I have a journal!
http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/a-lot-like-this/
And hell yes, I am still moving confidently in the direction of my dreams...

Gin1984

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4105
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #33 on: February 21, 2017, 06:11:38 AM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.

Quite honestly, I'd consider requesting it BEFORE the child is born. It can be done through an amnio, which isn't as high risk as a lot of people make them out to be.  Especially if she is going to want him to cover any pregnancy expenses, or to sign the birth certificate.

I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.  This situation sounds way messier than the thread title implies at all.  And anytime you talk to a lawyer, stop posting anything on the internet.

Ah. Yes, this. I didn't know it could be done before the child is born. Frankly, I would absolutely insist on having this done before anything else occurs. Which I would say you should be able to do as he is a minor, yes? (I don't know about this.)
Actually it is risky to a fetus and no one gets to force a woman to undergo a medical procedure regardless of your personal opinion of the risk.  Given the courts do not award child support until after birth, you can wait until birth for DNA.

Freedomin5

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 232
  • Location: China
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #34 on: February 21, 2017, 06:20:09 AM »
Oh man...so sorry to read this. Everyone has already posted great advice so far. Definitely get your "team" in place - probation officer, social worker, OBGYN, lawyer, etc. Involve your son if he is willing. I doubt your son has the presence of mind or life experience/wisdom to think through the best way to move forward in this situation. I would say your son should probably take the lead as much as possible, with you guiding him if he is willing to listen to your advice.

From a professional perspective working several years with low SES low education people with family histories of severe mental illness, learning disorders, addiction to hard drugs and alcohol, domestic violence and other abuse histories, this poor baby has the genetic odds stacked against him/her. The best chance for the baby is to be placed in a stable, loving, caring family that is emotionally healthy enough to deal with the behaviour, emotional, and/or mental issues that the child is likely to have.

With this family history, if the baby remains in gf's chaotic home environment, growing up to become a productive member of society would be an exception rather than the rule.

You may also want to consider therapy for your son individually, and for your family. Ideally, the gf would get psychological support, but we can't control what she chooses to do. We can only control whatever is in our sphere of influence.

Kris

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2156
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #35 on: February 21, 2017, 08:14:06 AM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.

Quite honestly, I'd consider requesting it BEFORE the child is born. It can be done through an amnio, which isn't as high risk as a lot of people make them out to be.  Especially if she is going to want him to cover any pregnancy expenses, or to sign the birth certificate.

I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.  This situation sounds way messier than the thread title implies at all.  And anytime you talk to a lawyer, stop posting anything on the internet.

Ah. Yes, this. I didn't know it could be done before the child is born. Frankly, I would absolutely insist on having this done before anything else occurs. Which I would say you should be able to do as he is a minor, yes? (I don't know about this.)
Actually it is risky to a fetus and no one gets to force a woman to undergo a medical procedure regardless of your personal opinion of the risk.  Given the courts do not award child support until after birth, you can wait until birth for DNA.

I did not mean force a woman to undergo this procedure. I meant that the OP should be able to insist on a paternity test before agreeing to any support or help at all. No test, no discussion of next steps. Which because her son is a minor I'm thinking she should be able to do. (Given that he has no money so any financial assistance would technically be coming from his parents.)
"Well I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."   - David St. Hubins, This is Spinal Tap

iowajes

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4174
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #36 on: February 21, 2017, 09:26:51 AM »
First off, I'm sorry.  This situation flat out sucks.

Now, I'm going to be cynical--is the girlfriend really pregnant?  If she has the emotional/mental capacity of a 14-year-old and if she knows that your son wants to get away from her, making up a pregnancy to keep him around is a distinct possibility.  They haven't been together that long, so there's also the possibility that this is not his child.  If nothing else, I would get medical confirmation of the pregnancy, then an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus should it exist.  I say this because my nephew was in an almost identical situation when he was your son's age, including the girlfriend's age and mental health.  My sister went to the girlfriend and her family and stated what she wanted done.  Miraculously, the girlfriend got her period the next day.  Get hard proof. 

If it's confirmed, definitely get a social worker or someone in a like capacity involved, someone who can look at the situation without emotion or bias.  You have mental illness and drug addiction mixed up with this, and you'll need someone to keep everything on the rails.

Keep us informed.

Yes. And DNA testing after the child is born.

Quite honestly, I'd consider requesting it BEFORE the child is born. It can be done through an amnio, which isn't as high risk as a lot of people make them out to be.  Especially if she is going to want him to cover any pregnancy expenses, or to sign the birth certificate.

I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.  This situation sounds way messier than the thread title implies at all.  And anytime you talk to a lawyer, stop posting anything on the internet.

Ah. Yes, this. I didn't know it could be done before the child is born. Frankly, I would absolutely insist on having this done before anything else occurs. Which I would say you should be able to do as he is a minor, yes? (I don't know about this.)
Actually it is risky to a fetus and no one gets to force a woman to undergo a medical procedure regardless of your personal opinion of the risk.  Given the courts do not award child support until after birth, you can wait until birth for DNA.

I know of several people who have had paternity tests done through amnio.  (I am part of an amnio support/question group- having had several done myself; though not for paternity.)  It is very possible to have it done.  The question is whether she would agree to do it that way and the cost vs. waiting until after birth (which is WAY cheaper).

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #37 on: February 21, 2017, 09:28:43 AM »
So ds come home last night and told my husband. It went ok. Dh didn't yell like I thought he might. Then DS asked to sleep over her house since "the thing you guys were trying to prevent already happened". I tried to explain that pg was only one of many things we are concerned about, that it is our job to care for and protect him and that despite all of this, he is STILL only 16 years old. I told him that he will be living in a weird limbo world for awhile where he is too young to do certain things, but will have more adult responsibilities than his peers. I sympathized that this will be very difficult but reiterated that this woman who will be 22 next week picked someone in the 10th grade to be her partner and father her child.
He launched into an attack that she doesn't want us involved because we have been against "her" since they met. He then went on and insulted us, saying "I don't know if I even want you guys involved because look at what an awesome job you've done raising me!" My husband quietly said to him "If she doesn't want us involved that is her decision, but you and I both know that we would be the best thing to happen to her, you, and the baby. Out of everyone involved we are the most capable and qualified to help. You might want to help her reconsider."
DS stormed out and slept at her house. In past weeks/months, we have called the police to pick him up from her house, then gone to the station to retrieve him. We let it go last night. Dh thinks DS will move in there within a matter of days/weeks. I'm not so sure I want to fight this. I know that sounds horrible but my adult timeline is FULL of fighting with and for my children. 3 out of the 4 hate me. I'm tired.

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #38 on: February 21, 2017, 09:31:19 AM »


I know of several people who have had paternity tests done through amnio.  (I am part of an amnio support/question group- having had several done myself; though not for paternity.)  It is very possible to have it done.  The question is whether she would agree to do it that way and the cost vs. waiting until after birth (which is WAY cheaper).

She is on state health insurance. Not sure if they have mandatory paternity testing?

Kris

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2156
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #39 on: February 21, 2017, 09:38:57 AM »
So ds come home last night and told my husband. It went ok. Dh didn't yell like I thought he might. Then DS asked to sleep over her house since "the thing you guys were trying to prevent already happened". I tried to explain that pg was only one of many things we are concerned about, that it is our job to care for and protect him and that despite all of this, he is STILL only 16 years old. I told him that he will be living in a weird limbo world for awhile where he is too young to do certain things, but will have more adult responsibilities than his peers. I sympathized that this will be very difficult but reiterated that this woman who will be 22 next week picked someone in the 10th grade to be her partner and father her child.
He launched into an attack that she doesn't want us involved because we have been against "her" since they met. He then went on and insulted us, saying "I don't know if I even want you guys involved because look at what an awesome job you've done raising me!" My husband quietly said to him "If she doesn't want us involved that is her decision, but you and I both know that we would be the best thing to happen to her, you, and the baby. Out of everyone involved we are the most capable and qualified to help. You might want to help her reconsider."
DS stormed out and slept at her house. In past weeks/months, we have called the police to pick him up from her house, then gone to the station to retrieve him. We let it go last night. Dh thinks DS will move in there within a matter of days/weeks. I'm not so sure I want to fight this. I know that sounds horrible but my adult timeline is FULL of fighting with and for my children. 3 out of the 4 hate me. I'm tired.

My younger stepdaughter was adopted from Ukraine, and had an alcohol- and drug-addicted birth mother. She had fetal alcohol syndrome, and has a number of developmental and behavioral disorders, including Oppositional Defiant Disorder. At around your son's age is when she started really getting out of control. We got her to 18, managed to get her graduated from high school (how, I still can't quite figure out), and then she went out and got involved with a guy with a big gambling problem who treats her extremely poorly. She of course immediately got pregnant by accident (I think), and now they have two children, ages 2 1/2 and almost 1.

At some point, we had to just let it go. It was pretty rough, but at that point she only wanted our money, not really our help or a relationship with us. When we realized that anything we gave to her would just go to her boyfriend's next trip to the casino, we started trying to give her gift cards to grocery stores, etc. When we realized her boyfriend was just selling them to people for cash, we stopped that, too.

Sometimes, the only real solution is to let go. Your son is only 16, of course, so it's not that easy. But you can stop trying to push your help on him. It may be better if he realizes by himself that you aren't the enemy and that he needs you. If he comes to ask you for help, you can give him your criteria for doing so. If he doesn't like those criteria, that's on him.

Thankfully, our relationship with my stepdaughter did get better once she realized she was truly on her own and needed to pull her shit together. We do not know the particulars of her life unless she shares them with us. We see her and the grandkids, but the boyfriend hates us because we closed the Bank of Kris and Dad. But that's just as well, I guess.
"Well I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."   - David St. Hubins, This is Spinal Tap

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #40 on: February 21, 2017, 10:00:21 AM »
So ds come home last night and told my husband. It went ok. Dh didn't yell like I thought he might. Then DS asked to sleep over her house since "the thing you guys were trying to prevent already happened". I tried to explain that pg was only one of many things we are concerned about, that it is our job to care for and protect him and that despite all of this, he is STILL only 16 years old. I told him that he will be living in a weird limbo world for awhile where he is too young to do certain things, but will have more adult responsibilities than his peers. I sympathized that this will be very difficult but reiterated that this woman who will be 22 next week picked someone in the 10th grade to be her partner and father her child.
He launched into an attack that she doesn't want us involved because we have been against "her" since they met. He then went on and insulted us, saying "I don't know if I even want you guys involved because look at what an awesome job you've done raising me!" My husband quietly said to him "If she doesn't want us involved that is her decision, but you and I both know that we would be the best thing to happen to her, you, and the baby. Out of everyone involved we are the most capable and qualified to help. You might want to help her reconsider."
DS stormed out and slept at her house. In past weeks/months, we have called the police to pick him up from her house, then gone to the station to retrieve him. We let it go last night. Dh thinks DS will move in there within a matter of days/weeks. I'm not so sure I want to fight this. I know that sounds horrible but my adult timeline is FULL of fighting with and for my children. 3 out of the 4 hate me. I'm tired.

My younger stepdaughter was adopted from Ukraine, and had an alcohol- and drug-addicted birth mother. She had fetal alcohol syndrome, and has a number of developmental and behavioral disorders, including Oppositional Defiant Disorder. At around your son's age is when she started really getting out of control. We got her to 18, managed to get her graduated from high school (how, I still can't quite figure out), and then she went out and got involved with a guy with a big gambling problem who treats her extremely poorly. She of course immediately got pregnant by accident (I think), and now they have two children, ages 2 1/2 and almost 1.

At some point, we had to just let it go. It was pretty rough, but at that point she only wanted our money, not really our help or a relationship with us. When we realized that anything we gave to her would just go to her boyfriend's next trip to the casino, we started trying to give her gift cards to grocery stores, etc. When we realized her boyfriend was just selling them to people for cash, we stopped that, too.

Sometimes, the only real solution is to let go. Your son is only 16, of course, so it's not that easy. But you can stop trying to push your help on him. It may be better if he realizes by himself that you aren't the enemy and that he needs you. If he comes to ask you for help, you can give him your criteria for doing so. If he doesn't like those criteria, that's on him.

Thankfully, our relationship with my stepdaughter did get better once she realized she was truly on her own and needed to pull her shit together. We do not know the particulars of her life unless she shares them with us. We see her and the grandkids, but the boyfriend hates us because we closed the Bank of Kris and Dad. But that's just as well, I guess.

I'm sorry you have had a tough road. Parenting ain't for the faint-hearted, eh?  lol! Thank you for sharing your story and giving me some perspective. I can't see the forest for the trees right now. I'm trying, but my heart is heavy for my son and the baby today. I feel very conflicted on what's right, and what I can actually do/take on. I wrote a timeline of the BS we have been through in the last 20 years. Actually had to SEE what we've been through on paper to feel a wee but justified in not taking this issue on as a fulltime job. lol  The list is an incredible amount of stress, issues, etc, none of which we "asked" for. Illnesses, autism, cancer, deaths, addiction issues (our parents and children) suicide, mental health issues, the list goes on and on. And every day we get up and put one foot in front of the  other and keep going. Now that we are in our 40s it's starting to take a toll on our health (emotional and physical). We both want off the Crazy Train, yet the hits just keep on coming---like this newest one. Financially we have been in a MESS due to "helping" everyone around us and the incredible medical expenses of our twins. We were finally in the home stretch of sorting out this mess......and got hit with another doozey. If DS#3 was 18 or older I would throw up my hands, say "Good luck, kid. We'll be here if you need us." and let them figure it out. But he's 16 and only has a 9th grade education. I feel responsible to help him for another 2 years.

iowajes

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4174
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #41 on: February 21, 2017, 10:21:48 AM »


I know of several people who have had paternity tests done through amnio.  (I am part of an amnio support/question group- having had several done myself; though not for paternity.)  It is very possible to have it done.  The question is whether she would agree to do it that way and the cost vs. waiting until after birth (which is WAY cheaper).

She is on state health insurance. Not sure if they have mandatory paternity testing?

Likely after the baby is born.  Don't give her money until the paternity is established.

projekt

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 281
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #42 on: February 21, 2017, 12:16:48 PM »
Prenatal, early, noninvasive (based on mother's blood) paternity testing exists now.

http://www.ravgen.com/

little_brown_dog

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 791
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #43 on: February 21, 2017, 12:36:05 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be extremely tough.

As others mentioned, lawyer up and seek social services if legal counsel recommends. At 16 and 22 your son’s relationship is toeing the line between allowable and statutory rape. In some states 16 is the age of consent, but in others it is illegal to have sex with a 16 year old if you are older than 21. Counsel can give you a better idea if your son’s relationship is considered sexually abusive. This could matter a lot in regards to what the courts expect of him. If you can show your son might not be at a typical developmental level as others his age due to mental health issues or other cognitive disabilities, that is also important for counsel to know because it could be used to help build a case to show that this young man was taken advantage of. It is also shady that she is pregnant – at 22 she is the adult and should have been preventing this. It is very possible she lied to him about contraception, and if so, that might be important to know for legal purposes.
If your son is willing, he might seriously benefit from therapy with a psychologist trained in assisting teens and young adults who have a history of being sexually manipulated. That would give him someone unbiased to talk to about this, who can help give him perspective that he might be more willing to listen to since it isn’t coming from you. I suspect that if the girl is from a dysfunctional family and is truly struggling with untreated personality disorder then there is a good chance she is abusing and manipulating your son somehow. She might have lied about her contraception use, coerced him into not using condoms, or manipulated him into having a child. Abusers often try to isolate their victims and "bind" their victims to them in different ways - having a baby is one great way of doing this, offering "safe haven" from those terrible, nasty, over concerned parents/family/friends is another. Regardless, at 16, he is still a child and deserves the full protection of legal counsel and mental health services as he navigates this situation.

Sending good thoughts…
« Last Edit: February 21, 2017, 12:43:34 PM by little_brown_dog »

2Birds1Stone

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2640
  • Age: 29
  • Location: New York
  • CFO
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #44 on: February 21, 2017, 12:47:24 PM »
Sorry you are going through this :(

How far along is she? Have they decided they are definitely keeping it?

I am in a the prenatal paternity testing camp as well.

I had my own scare growing up, I can't even imagine trying to father a child at that age. Heck, I couldn't imagine it 10 years later.
"A small house can hold as much happiness as a big one." - Fortune Cookie

58 Months Till FIRE Journal - Stop by, or stay a while.....
http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/journals/fit-finance-when-two-seemingly-unrelated-worlds-colide/

KBecks

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 770
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #45 on: February 21, 2017, 01:44:35 PM »
So ds come home last night and told my husband. It went ok. Dh didn't yell like I thought he might. Then DS asked to sleep over her house since "the thing you guys were trying to prevent already happened". I tried to explain that pg was only one of many things we are concerned about, that it is our job to care for and protect him and that despite all of this, he is STILL only 16 years old. I told him that he will be living in a weird limbo world for awhile where he is too young to do certain things, but will have more adult responsibilities than his peers. I sympathized that this will be very difficult but reiterated that this woman who will be 22 next week picked someone in the 10th grade to be her partner and father her child.
He launched into an attack that she doesn't want us involved because we have been against "her" since they met. He then went on and insulted us, saying "I don't know if I even want you guys involved because look at what an awesome job you've done raising me!" My husband quietly said to him "If she doesn't want us involved that is her decision, but you and I both know that we would be the best thing to happen to her, you, and the baby. Out of everyone involved we are the most capable and qualified to help. You might want to help her reconsider."
DS stormed out and slept at her house. In past weeks/months, we have called the police to pick him up from her house, then gone to the station to retrieve him. We let it go last night. Dh thinks DS will move in there within a matter of days/weeks. I'm not so sure I want to fight this. I know that sounds horrible but my adult timeline is FULL of fighting with and for my children. 3 out of the 4 hate me. I'm tired.

You sound tired.  I'm so sorry.
I am not sure how you stop it, but it seems unwise to let your son go live with a herion addict. 
I wonder if there is some kind of support group out there that can help you as you work through this, so you are not so stressed and alone.
Sending prayers for you and your family.  Be strong.

KBecks

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 770
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #46 on: February 21, 2017, 01:46:10 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be extremely tough.

As others mentioned, lawyer up and seek social services if legal counsel recommends. At 16 and 22 your son’s relationship is toeing the line between allowable and statutory rape. In some states 16 is the age of consent, but in others it is illegal to have sex with a 16 year old if you are older than 21. Counsel can give you a better idea if your son’s relationship is considered sexually abusive. This could matter a lot in regards to what the courts expect of him. If you can show your son might not be at a typical developmental level as others his age due to mental health issues or other cognitive disabilities, that is also important for counsel to know because it could be used to help build a case to show that this young man was taken advantage of. It is also shady that she is pregnant – at 22 she is the adult and should have been preventing this. It is very possible she lied to him about contraception, and if so, that might be important to know for legal purposes.
If your son is willing, he might seriously benefit from therapy with a psychologist trained in assisting teens and young adults who have a history of being sexually manipulated. That would give him someone unbiased to talk to about this, who can help give him perspective that he might be more willing to listen to since it isn’t coming from you. I suspect that if the girl is from a dysfunctional family and is truly struggling with untreated personality disorder then there is a good chance she is abusing and manipulating your son somehow. She might have lied about her contraception use, coerced him into not using condoms, or manipulated him into having a child. Abusers often try to isolate their victims and "bind" their victims to them in different ways - having a baby is one great way of doing this, offering "safe haven" from those terrible, nasty, over concerned parents/family/friends is another. Regardless, at 16, he is still a child and deserves the full protection of legal counsel and mental health services as he navigates this situation.

Sending good thoughts…

This is very good advice and I am glad you are getting this kind of input. 

jezebel

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1130
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #47 on: February 21, 2017, 02:50:16 PM »
So ds come home last night and told my husband. It went ok. Dh didn't yell like I thought he might. Then DS asked to sleep over her house since "the thing you guys were trying to prevent already happened". I tried to explain that pg was only one of many things we are concerned about, that it is our job to care for and protect him and that despite all of this, he is STILL only 16 years old. I told him that he will be living in a weird limbo world for awhile where he is too young to do certain things, but will have more adult responsibilities than his peers. I sympathized that this will be very difficult but reiterated that this woman who will be 22 next week picked someone in the 10th grade to be her partner and father her child.
He launched into an attack that she doesn't want us involved because we have been against "her" since they met. He then went on and insulted us, saying "I don't know if I even want you guys involved because look at what an awesome job you've done raising me!" My husband quietly said to him "If she doesn't want us involved that is her decision, but you and I both know that we would be the best thing to happen to her, you, and the baby. Out of everyone involved we are the most capable and qualified to help. You might want to help her reconsider."
DS stormed out and slept at her house. In past weeks/months, we have called the police to pick him up from her house, then gone to the station to retrieve him. We let it go last night. Dh thinks DS will move in there within a matter of days/weeks. I'm not so sure I want to fight this. I know that sounds horrible but my adult timeline is FULL of fighting with and for my children. 3 out of the 4 hate me. I'm tired.

You sound tired.  I'm so sorry.
I am not sure how you stop it, but it seems unwise to let your son go live with a herion addict. 
I wonder if there is some kind of support group out there that can help you as you work through this, so you are not so stressed and alone.
Sending prayers for you and your family.  Be strong.

I don't know how you fight it either, but I think you have to fight it, as hard as you can for the next two years.  Keep calling the police when he runs away? He'll probably still hate you for it, but at least you did what you could.  Because he is still a minor, you could also seek a court order that he attend school, etc.   If the alternative is him living with heroin addicts in a possibly abusive relationship, you gotta fight the good fight, mama bear.

Villanelle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1693
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #48 on: February 22, 2017, 11:25:58 PM »
I'm sorry.  I think Little Brown Dog gave wonderful advice, especially the part about making sure this is considered a consensual relationship (with the age difference and your son's developmental issues). If it isn't, that will give you a lot more leeway regarding custody of the child and keeping your son away from her (if she's considered a statutory rapist, a restraining order should be fairly easy to get, for example), and can also be leverage to get her in line (whatever that means to you and your family).  Also, though this news is huge and heavy and I'm sure you feel the need to figure it all out right now, you do have time, so try not to push yourself to make all the decisions Right Now. You *will* get through this.  And you do have time to consider options, especially for things like long term involvement with the child and with your son.  So try not to get overwhelmed with all of this.  Right now, the alligator closest to the boat seems to be your son's living arrangements, and the rest can probably wait a bit. 

I believe you said they started dating in December.  She now knows she pregnant, so she has to be at lest ~1 month along as of mid-February, if not more.  That's a fairly tight timeline, and does make me question whether she might have already been pregnant and gotten involved with someone so she could pin it on them. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if this is an 8 month "premature" birth.  That may well not be true, but the timeline is concerning. If she's not willing to do an amino or the blood test, you could at least ask to attend a doctor's appointment and/or get a copy of the sonogram photo, both of which may give you a better (though still not exact) estimated conception date.  You only have leverage if there is something you can offer that she or your son want, but even just getting your hands on a sonogram might be enough to reveal possible timeline issues, and could probably be done without telling them exactly why you want it. 

I have little else to add to what LBDBut if it helps, some stranger on the internet is aching for you and thinking about you and your family. 

In addition to legal counsel and counseling for your son if he's willing, you might also consider seeing someone yourself, just so you have an outsider to help you sort through and process all this, and all the many choices you are going to face in the coming months. 

my4fireflies

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 41
Re: Teen pregnancy
« Reply #49 on: February 23, 2017, 06:31:07 AM »
Thank you everyone. Your kindness means so much! Since she is so early along we have decided not to tell anyone in our family or friends. I have a terrible poker face, so this is not as easy as it sounds because I work with my best friend and I am scheduled to visit my mother tonight.
Last night they broke up. I'd like to think it's for good, but that would be naive. He found out yesterday that she cheated on him right around the time she says she got pg.  He says the baby is *most likely* his, but he definitely wants paternity determined. Her mental health issues were OFF THE CHART last night. He told me that she has been doing drugs/drinking daily since she found out. He is afraid that she might harm herself or the baby just to spite him, but he knows that he is in for a lifetime of misery with her if he tries to stay. She has made statements like "If it's a boy or retarded" she doesn't want it. To hear her talk like this breaks my heart.  He talked for hours, I did my best to listen and sympathize, and to only offer advice when he asked. He said the baby, his or not his, has been a huge wake up call and wants to get his life together. He is concerned that he (we) may have to go for full custody and he wants his side of the street sparkling clean. He has matured 5 years in the last 3 months. My heart breaks for him, but he seems determined to fix this mess the best he can, despite his age. Today, I am very proud of him.

Side note: he told me that she claimed she couldn't get pg because years ago her bc implant broke in her arm and the doctor told her that this had made her sterile. Being only 16, he didn't realize how preposterous this sounds. I'm angry that as an adult she manipulated a kid, in a sense she perpetrated fraud. Think there is any sense in pursing this angle, criminally?