Supporting a friend through a divorce

[Captain FIRE]

Sounds like a friend of mine may be getting divorced.  They have a 3.5 yo and the husband will be moving states shortly for a new job.  Finances are tight.

What did you find most helpful in terms of support from friends when you got divorced?

Caveat: She lives an hour away from me (plus my husband is switching jobs right now with longer expected hours), so I can't offer to watch her kid for her or take her out for an evening because I have my own kid I need to pick up from daycare/feed etc.

[Holyoak]

Listen, simply listen with all of your heart.

Let them know you care about them, treat it in some ways as a wake; it is the death of something as profound as a family member to many...  Bring them food, make them comfortable, let them cry until no tears remain by convulse weeping, hug them, allow your love and concern to wash over them.  Have them feel safe, be a stable beacon as they navigate the stormy waters.

Knowing the reason for the divorce can help too.  If adultery, the victim can go from seemingly normal, to white hot rage, to levels of depression they might feel suicide is the only answer within seconds...  And I can't blame them.  Not only do they have to deal with the dissolution of something they never thought would happen, now it's that, financials, potential job loss by virtue of extreme sadness, concerns for the children, and a HUGE potential hit to their self-esteem, self-worth, and pulling a huge knife out of their heart and back.

Let them know that no matter how dark it seems now, no matter how difficult to exist in a world colored a painful shade of gray, it will pass.  I know you mentioned a distance factor, but if all that the situation allows are calls, please make yourself available at all hours for what they might need.  It's a hellish experience even with a "friendly" divorce; truly a never ending nightmare of being in a non consuming fire of pain, that seems endless.  I'm not exaggerating.

Any one strand could cause a mental breakdown; all can lead to panic attacks, great losses of weight/dehydration, etc...  In counseling circles it's called "the infidelity diet", and it's no joke.  Might see if they are open to visiting a counselor/doctor to help them, and be as vigilant as you can watching for signs of alcohol/drug abuse, suicide talk, and even taking it out on the potential affair partner/spouse.  Know too you really learn very fast what a true persons character is while going through divorce, and what is said now, does not always equal what is written later.  Fake accusations of violence, hiding assets, outright lying to the court, etc, etc.

You are undertaking a great effort, and I admire you for doing so...  Your friend will remember this till the day they die, and be always grateful for your help, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant.  Best of luck.

[Tyson]

Going through a divorce, for me, was like a death.  Except with the divorce there was the additional crap of being actively rejected by a living person.  What a mess. 

I'm still in early stages of my divorce (about 4 months now) and for me, just being able to text and/or call someone when I need to vent is very helpful.  Knowing I have friends that will not be bothered by a text or call at odd hours has been really great. 

[Cassie]

It really depends on who initiated the divorce.  If she did and it’s not adultery most of her suffering is done. The person leaving suffers a long time while making that decision.  More women leave marriages than men.   She may have well founded fears about how she will support herself and care for a child,etc.  Be very supportive.

[calimom]

@Cassie has good advice. I was widowed, not divorced, but I have always appreciated people who didn't treat my family as 'different'. A lot of times, suddenly singles are dropped from traditional guest lists because the host feels uncomfortable having an unmarried friend in a group setting. It's weird, and don't be that friend. It sounds like you are very supportive. She'll need it as she navigates single parenthood, adjusted financial realities and the like. Even being there over phone or text is very helpful; in person as it's possible is the best though.

[Captain FIRE]

Thanks all.  I appreciate all of the tips.

[RetiredAt63]

Oh wow.  I hope she gets a good financial settlement, since she has supported him to the point where his earning potential is much higher than before thanks to her putting him through grad school.  This is definitely something she needs to discuss with her lawyer.  And the debt distribution too.

How can anyone walk away from his own young child that he has been so involved with re parenting?  Down the road she may realize she got out in good time - this is not a "keeper".

[ilsy]

Ok, my two cents. From my experience,  when these things are initiated by guys (non judgement), they are usually not thought through. So, he might figure out after some time that grass isn't greener on the other side, especially when he figures that his new higher salary needs to go back to his kid. So, my advice, do not pass too much judgement on him, in case she does get back with him, she doesn't feel awkward talking to you afterwards.
I am an introvert, so I didn't tell anyone at work, or my friends, or even my mom, that I'm getting divorced until I had all my ducks in a row and knew exactly what I am going to do (house, cars, work, kids, money), until I knew all the answers to all the questions with plans B, C, and D. So, I have a vague understanding of what to say to people who don't know the answers. But I also initiated the divorce, so, I don't know if I was ambushed what I would have done.