social situation-friend's gf

[hoping2retire35]

So my college buddy, from California, is dating what I think everyone would agree is a 'valley girl'; I have yet to meet her. His parents are from the South and he wanted to attend the college in the region, hence the university I still live near. When he comes into town all he wants to do is eat BBQ, Zaxby's and drink whiskey; and I happily indulge him. We yell as loud as possible at the football game and have a generally, responsible looking, good time. It has gotten a little trickier since I have had kids but it has worked out.

The question, I guess, is how much should I(and my wife) alter my(our) 'culture' to make her feel welcome?

I think to an extent, he recognizes California has a much different culture than here and he enjoys both; but she may not. Not to say we do not enjoy wine or good cheese (or whatever) either, it is just that when he comes into town the point is to enjoy the BBQ and booze. I am sure we will just have to wing this but I also want others advice and experiences.

[CupcakeGuru]

No need to "change" your culture to make her feel welcome. I am a former NYC gal living in the south married to a southerner. Moved to the south not knowing a soul other than my DH. All of his friends made me feel very welcome but were true to themselves. Awesome people who were nice and kind and did not give a damn about where I came from. Did I end of doing things I never thought I would do (pig pull comes to mind)? HECK YES.

Just be yourselves! As they say "When in Rome..."

[DoubleDown]

I say be yourselves and just regular ol' polite, welcoming hosts. I'm from CA originally, and I certainly would not expect (or want) anyone to be trying to alter their normal behavior in an attempt to appeal to me.

[Frankies Girl]

Um, not change at all?

Be friendly, include her in the conversations, and just be nice to her, and hope she is the same. If she is rude, then give her the benefit of the doubt unless she persists in being rude, then politely ask her to stop. And if she's anything other than nice after, then excuse yourself from hanging out with friend when she is with him. Just like you'd handle any other situation regardless of where the person is from. 

For the most part I'll bet that most average person understands that different parts of the world might not act exactly the same as where they are from. I can't imagine your culture is so radically different that she would be offended that you eat BBQ or the like, unless she's a militant vegan or something? But then she's dating a guy that likes meat so again, not sure what the issue might be here?

[hoping2retire35]

Thanks for the replies all, I am leaving out some details though.

I had a big rambling post. I'll go home to night and review all the social media stuff before making a better assessment of what is going on.

[surfhb]

Valley Girl? LOL  That term was used years ago because of a Frank Zappa song.    California Culture?   Yes....we all surf, drink craft beers and call each other Dude.   Well, I do anyway! :)

AnyHoo...be a Mensch.   Indulged the guy and his new lady.   He's only visiting....pour on that Southern hospitality!  :)

[marble_faun]

No need to put on a dog and pony show. Just be friendly, share the good BBQ, and include her in activities and conversations.

You might want to identify a couple different potential activities each day and ask her what she might be most interested in. She may or may not be into football, but perhaps she'd be up for hiking, or wandering around the college where y'all went (to see it and hear some stories about it), or picking out a movie of her choice... etc.

[RyanAtTanagra]

The best part of visiting other areas of the country are getting to indulge in different cultures.  We are a huge and very diverse country, and it's awesome.  Definitely don't make her feel like she's in California.  But the drinking and BBQ and loudness, fuck yea.  Best part of the South.  Have a river to swim in while doing all the above?  Even better!

Though as someone currently living in California with family in NC, the one thing I would say is to avoid politics.  Any time I go visit my parents I have to walk away when Trump comes up.  And don't get me started on the whole confederate flag and legal gay marriage stuff from a couple years ago.  I got into a bit of a row with some of their friends over that.  Not making any assumptions on your values just because you're in NC, but the two states are very different political climates, so tread lightly.  Don't even joke about it, as she may already be unsure of what she's walking into in that regard.

[simonsez]

Why don't you just ask your friend what you can do as hosts to make his girlfriend feel comfortable?

If she's a low maintenance chameleon, you're set.  If she has dietary, political, social, whatever restrictions or any wants/needs - then be accommodating.

My wife has been a vegan for awhile now and was VERY appreciative when we visited with some friends awhile back at their house who made sure to have a vegan appetizer, entree, and dessert all ready to go like it was a normal part of the dining experience (and they didn't make it a huge point to keep talking about how much trouble it was).

I wouldn't change anything about who you are or how you and your buddy relate to one another or the culture in the area of the country you live but a little proactive reconnaissance can make the visit a lot more relaxing and enjoyable for everyone.

[a-scho]

I'll admit, I am a little offended by the OP referring to his friend's GF as a "valley girl".  does she say OHMYGAWD!!!! all the time? Are her mannerisms like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless? Was she a teenager in the 80's living in Reseda? Then, no, she is not a valley girl. Just because she is from that part of southern california doesn't make her a valley girl. wine and cheese plates have NOTHING to do with being a valley girl. There is BBQ, whiskey, and loud talking in SoCal also.  the OP also mentioned never actually meeting her yet, so????? he's getting this interpretation from his friend?? Okay, then the best way to find out what might make her comfortable in the South would be asking the friend what she likes/dislikes. What are her favorite drinks/foods?

Alicia Silverstone voice, twirling her long blond hair and rolling her eyes:
Dude, maybe the GF has drinking/eating habits/mannerisms that are more predominant in SoCal than in the South, but calling someone a valley girl is a pejorative, OHMYGAWD! For sure!!

[dragoncar]

I'll admit, I am a little offended by the OP referring to his friend's GF as a "valley girl".  does she say OHMYGAWD!!!! all the time? Are her mannerisms like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless? Was she a teenager in the 80's living in Reseda? Then, no, she is not a valley girl. Just because she is from that part of southern california doesn't make her a valley girl. wine and cheese plates have NOTHING to do with being a valley girl. There is BBQ, whiskey, and loud talking in SoCal also.  the OP also mentioned never actually meeting her yet, so????? he's getting this interpretation from his friend?? Okay, then the best way to find out what might make her comfortable in the South would be asking the friend what she likes/dislikes. What are her favorite drinks/foods?

Alicia Silverstone voice, twirling her long blond hair and rolling her eyes:
Dude, maybe the GF has drinking/eating habits/mannerisms that are more predominant in SoCal than in the South, but calling someone a valley girl is a pejorative, OHMYGAWD! For sure!!

LOL, my buddy is dating a southern belle.  How much should I change my culture when they come to visit me in CA?

[hoping2retire35]

ha, yeah I could have phrased things a little differently. Valley girl was the only thing I could think of, and changing our 'culture' could have been a bit more nuanced. She takes multiple fancy trips a year.  Never been to the state so I just don't know that much. I will probably have a few other activities available in our routine just so she/we have some options.

surfhb-I have two SUP boards, make my own beer and call all my friends buddy; is that close enough?

DW was a little concerned about what they would talk about and now my buddy says she has a meeting and wants to postpone...I really did not think anything was a problem. I have been a little distracted lately so maybe I was not as responsive but didn't think much of it. But maybe he had concerns, IDK. I will include everyone in on the drama after they come.


editbah! 1000th post! wanted to be something cool about bikes or some financial goal, not a personal problem...

[lizzzi]

If she ever does visit, I would just treat her with warmth and hospitality, show her the best your area has to offer, and provide the beverages and foods that you think are good and that she would enjoy...or at least, enjoy trying. Then I wouldn't worry about it. If she has basic good manners, she will be pleasant, appreciative, and interested in trying new things in your area. If she turns out to be a pain in the neck, at least you can say you held up your part of the visit. And it might be doing your buddy a favor to find out sooner rather than later that she's a selfish, pampered Barbie doll. (But let's hope she's not.)

[DoubleDown]

Valley Girl? LOL  That term was used years ago because of a Frank Zappa song.

Or WAS it?? Could it be that the term was around first, and the song came AFTER it?

Spoiler alert: The term came first, then the song ;-)

[surfhb]

Valley Girl? LOL  That term was used years ago because of a Frank Zappa song.

Or WAS it?? Could it be that the term was around first, and the song came AFTER it?

Spoiler alert: The term came first, then the song ;-)

True but no one heard of the term until Zappa.....and I grew up in Burbank

[Polaria]

If she ever does visit, I would just treat her with warmth and hospitality, show her the best your area has to offer, and provide the beverages and foods that you think are good and that she would enjoy...or at least, enjoy trying. Then I wouldn't worry about it. If she has basic good manners, she will be pleasant, appreciative, and interested in trying new things in your area. If she turns out to be a pain in the neck, at least you can say you held up your part of the visit. And it might be doing your buddy a favor to find out sooner rather than later that she's a selfish, pampered Barbie doll. (But let's hope she's not.)

I agree. Just focus on the part of the visit within your control.

[a-scho]

it sounds like you feel that the gf has interests that are very different from yours. She likes expensive travel, you like whiskey and talking loudly. Since your buddy is the one who knows what she's into, maybe he should suggest what you guys do together during their visit. If she does not enjoy herself, well it's because MAYBE she's high maintenance  or picky or a biatch.......or all three. Your buddy likes her, so she must have some redeeming qualities. All you gotta do is be friendly.

[Car Jack]

Well, you could always say "well, bless your heart" as any proper southerner would after thoroughly insulting someone in a backhanded way.  (lived in the south long enough to get that)  Don't forget the big smile.

Maybe with all the whiskey drinking and expected wine drinking, take her out to a local AA meeting?