I have a social problem that I would appreciate some input on, especially from forum members who have experienced divorce either as a child or as a parent.
Here's the situation:
The parents of one of my sons' oldest and best friends are likely to get divorced. I am friendly with but not close to them, and they have not chosen to confide this information in me. However, I am good friends with their nanny and close with their son, whom I have known since he was a toddler.
Over the past couple of years, my son has expressed some frustration with his friend for various reasons ... nothing very serious for a kid his age (cheats on games, tells fibs and expects to be believed, always wants his own way, etc.) Until this year, I just advised my son that he can speak up when he's not happy but he can't expect his friend to change, so enjoy his friend as he is, in the settings where they do have fun. Every time they have made up their quarrels and seem to have been as happy and close together as ever.
As you can guess, I heard from the nanny that the friend's parents' marriage is on the rocks and not likely to recover. I don't generally like gossip, but she spoke from concern because the child has been acting up, and right now the parents are in their own worlds. I also heard directly from the child when I was driving him home one day; among many things upsetting him, he was very worried about his parents' money (they are very well-off but spendy, so apparently they had been quarreling about it). It made me so sad. I told him that he should not have to solve his parents' problem, that they were grownups and they would be able to handle it. And they probably will be just fine.
Meanwhile, my son has many other friends, and I once overheard him complaining about his friend to another boy. They were agreeing about what a pain he was. I cut in and told them that it wasn't nice to talk about friends behind backs, and that if there is a problem they should bring it up to him directly and privately. More recently, my son's best friend asked my son, "We're best friends, aren't we?" And my son waffled-- not very skillfully either. OUCH.
So here's the point. This poor kid needs his friends right now. Maybe he hasn't been the greatest friend himself, but he's been going through a lot. Maybe the boys would have started growing apart anyway. But I think my son needs to cut his friend a little slack. I tried to tell my son the other day that his friend's family was going through a "hard time" but that didn't seem to register. But I'm afraid to tell it to him straight, since first of all my son is a lunkhead who might accidentally blab about it to other friends, and second of all, I feel guilty for knowing at all. His friend should be the one who tells him.
What's the best way to help support this child? How do you teach your kid to be a loyal friend but not a doormat? It's a hard skill for even adults.